However you may feel about the narcissist in your life, it’s important to know that he/she didn’t get this way overnight. Our brain often refuses to believe this. Every day, I hear from both women and men who adamantly insist that they were blind-sided by certain narcissistic behaviors. The source of their pain is a false belief that they never saw it coming. I don’t get it! He (or she) wasn’t like this for the first five years of the marriage (or relationship). I’m shocked! they will tell me but I don’t buy into this. I respond by telling them to think back and think hard…to take off the rose-colored glasses of (what I call) relationship amnesia and really reflect. The truth is that the narcissistic signs have always been there. It might feel to us that we’ve been blind-sided but deep down we absolutely know better.
As I explain in my book When Love Is a Lie, I didn’t even begin to google my ex’s behaviors until almost eight years in. Then came the “a-ha” moment of WHO and WHAT he really was and I turned into a piece of jelly. How could I have not seen this? What the fuck is going on? Am I or was I completely blind? No, of course I wasn’t blind…I just didn’t want to see. This blindness can continue even after we know the truth, evolving into an amnesia that only allows us to remember the very few good qualities that actually made the narc appear normal. We’ll remember the times he made us laugh, the great sex, a moment of apparent clarity where the narc appeared to actually care. Suddenly the fact that he has been an incredible dick goes out the window and we happily watch it fly away. But the brutal truth is that all those memories mean fucking nothing if the narcissist doesn’t have your back as a loving partner.
There comes a time in the relationship, somewhere near the end, that even the narcissist knows the jig is up. For example, say that you and the narc have been involved for ten years and you’re just now finding out he’s been cheating for the past two. This is a devastating discovery, obviously. Your narc, however has suddenly become horribly mean and nasty, basically blaming YOU for the fact that he’s been busted. Maybe for the initial minute he appeared sorry, but now, a few days in, he not only offers little or no remorse for what he did, he apparently has zero tolerance or compassion for your feelings about it. This happened to me several times and I hear about it every day during consultations. The loving partner feels absolutely shell shocked. Why isn’t he sorry? OR Why isn’t he MORE sorry? How could this happen…we’ve been great together all this time! The truth is that no, you haven’t been good. Relationship amnesia and denial kicks in immediately. The truth is that the narcissist has been cheating or working on cheating or preparing to cheat the entire time that you’ve been together. Oh, that’s impossible. We were together 24/7. He didn’t have time to cheat. Oh, yes he did. Narcissists have nothing BUT time when it comes to planning for their next meal. However, now the jig is finally up – the jig that has been going on behind your back for years – and this is truly an inconvenient time for the falsely entitled narcissist. As partners, we have to face the fact that we’ve been conned since the very first date.
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When we look back on the “good” times in the relationship, we are viewing things through a manipulated reality. Relationship amnesia can keep us stuck on stupid during a time where we could be moving forward in our recovery. Sure, things appeared to be “okay” for years but, believe me, it was only as “okay” as the narcissist allowed.
Indeed, the love-bombing stage happens quickly because the narcissist is working his butt off to get it over with so that you can be on the hook and he can do what he wants. This is why it feels so intense so early on..but intensity and love are not interchangeable. So, five years down the road, while you’ve been looking the other way to keep the peace or to not appear to be needy or jealous, he’s been going about his narcissistic business, fulfilling the requirements of the relationship agenda. This is the truth! We suspect things but never seem to have proof and the silent treatments, as much as they hurt, become part of the routine and the next thing you know five years has gone by. None of this was “great” – not a single thing. When and if we do break-up with the narcissist and even if the narcissist is the one to leave, if we truly want to recover from the pain we have to accept this. We have to be confident in the truth that we know – even if it hurts. The relationship with a narcissist has been over since day one. Don’t allow relationship amnesia to tell you any differently. You’re smarter than that!
And, let me tell you, when the jig is up, it is up. The mask falls never to be worn again. The narc won’t even pick it up; he just steps right over it and moves along. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Narcissists who’ve been busted and become raging angry have – without a doubt – been doing it forever! This is why they’re so fucking angry. Life has suddenly become very difficult and he’s going to let you know it. A normal guy who cheats and gets caught will typically feel horribly guilty that he has hurt this person who obviously loves him. Then, he may choose to stay with his partner/spouse or he may choose to go to his mistress, but either way he will do it with a TRUE guilty conscience. He will tolerate the crying jags, the jealousy, the accusations of the spouse, and the “fuck yous” because he has done you wrong. A narcissist never feels this way. He just feels pissed. Remember, with a narc, it’s all about what he (or she) can get away with all day, every day. To you, it feels shocking and sudden but the truth is that he’s been doing it a very long time. This awful person is who he really is and who he has always been.
I tell a little story in Stop Spinning, Start Breathing about such a situation…
Then there was the time, about six years later, that Wayne), after cheating on me, getting caught, having no choice but to admit to it, and then trying everything – including smacking me on the head – to pull me out of my crying jag, finally realized he might have gone too far. Feigning remorse, he begged me to forgive him. I continued to sob, pleading “Why? Why? Why did you do it?” until the N, unable to pretend a second longer, threw up his hands in exasperation and yelled, “I don’t know! I always figured I could do whatever I wanted and you’d still take me back!”
To truly get better and find peace…to heal our sad and fractured heart…we have to accept the brutality of the relationship in its entirety. We have to push through the delusional nostalgia of relationship amnesia and get back to the business of life. We have to understand and accept that it was never great and therefore we can skip the grieving process when the nonsense is finally over. As far as I’m concerned, we can skip the forgiveness too. No, not that! How can I heal if I don’t forgive? We don’t have to forgive because we simply don’t have the spiritual credentials to forgive at that level! This is very good news.
Look, we can’t grieve the loss of something we never had, my friends. The narcissist did not become a narcissist overnight and no amount of bittersweet amnesia is going to change that. He (or she) was born that way or raised that way and he (or she) will now always be that way. You, fortunately, are not doomed to the same fate because you are everything he or she is not.
Indeed, you, without a doubt, are perfect just the way that you are.
Lea
February 18, 2018 at 11:41 pmSo accurate it’s scary. In shock and depressed at how very awful narcissists can be. Thank you so much for writing about this it’s kept me from feeling crazy after dealing with an N so long. Thank you for sharing!!!
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 10:53 pmYou’re welcome, Lea! Stop by and visit anytime…there’s plenty to read and always something to learn:)….xoxo
Beverly
February 11, 2018 at 3:51 pmI’ve been married to a narc for three years now.In that 3 years,I’ve never been so depressed and out of touch with reality.When we first got together he seemed great then within a few months he was trying to control my children,my bank account,just everything.I wasn’t allowed to drive myself to work he had to have my car everyday and my debit card.One night he never showed up to pick me up from work and I found out that he had wrecked my car and was arrested for an oui.I believed in him and wanted him to change so badly.Last year he slept with my best friend and had every excuse in the book why it was my fault.I forgave him hoping to get answers and an apology.Recently we were on a good 3 month stretch and talked about building a house and getting a car for him.Hlurs after that talk he called me from work to tell me he was visiting family and then left for 5 days,me and my daughter caught him with another women.His reasoning was that he didn’t think I loved him anymore and that if I didn’t get him a car and his license that he couldn’t he with me cause I was greedy.I work so hard for what little I have and he is now saying how he did make a mistake and went back to his ex but something tells me he’s been doing this all along.Theres so much that’s happened,he’s beaten me emotionally and physically.I just don’t know how to end it and go no contact.He makes it so hard on me knowing he’s with someone else and that I pleaded with him to come home,now he wants to if I give him everything he wants.
Gem
December 28, 2017 at 5:30 amThese articles are absolutely amazing. sadly I fell for a narcissist, whom I lost my son, my house, money and my job for over the three years we were together. I also had a beautiful daughter within the first year of us being together.he saw me coming…newly divorced single mum…money in the bank.I really thought I had found my soul mate! I since discovered that he had cheated the whole way through and later he left me for a 21 year old (still goes back to her, she’s now 23).whilst he was dating the 21 yr old he introduced a female friend (32) .he was still sleeping with me telling me we would get back together. This “friend” would join us in my home, family trips out etc. I then found out he was setting me and my daughter up for this “friend” to be his next girlfriend . At that point he was living and in a relationship with the 21 year old who knew nothing about this. I’m assuming he told the first one I was finished with …but the second woman knew what was going on and even went along with his lies and tell me he was a friend from school….they had met each other that year in a nightclub after he slept with her best friend. In the time we were together he slept with over 30+ women and lied about them all.
Theres so much more to this story and its still continuing because I’m now caught in a trap where if I find my son he will take my daughter away from me and she’s only 3. I feel utterly trapped and I have no family as he cut them out for me !! How do you recover from this? How do I ever trust anybody again? How can you go no contact when you have children together and he manipulates situations to get a reaction?
Tempie
September 13, 2017 at 5:01 pmHey,
I commented on a different post a little earlier but I wanted to know if you experienced you Narc trying to steal your personality or if you have any blog entries about it? I went to one of the forums you recommended and saw a post about it and felt it. I almost thought he had BPD because of the way he’d steal my phrases, bits of my personality, and even bits of other people’s personalities. It’s actually something that doesn’t get a lot of attention in Sam Vaknin’s book “Malignant Self Love” and I wanted to know more.
Zari Ballard
September 13, 2017 at 5:58 pmHi Tempie,
Narcs will typically steal bits and pieces of the personality of whomever they happen to be hanging out with. Whenever my ex would disappear for, say, a couple of months, when he did reappear, sometimes he would be speaking a whole different lingo!! Sometimes he would even be dressing just slightly different enough that I would notice. It was as if he would go to a whole other world and it would take a few days or whatever before he’d settle in to mine. Yikes! So, yes this happens but it’s has less to do with BPD and more to do with the fact that these monsters are simply evil chameleons and can adapt to anything to get what they want. That’s all it is….
Zari:)
Clare
July 29, 2017 at 4:24 pmA fascinating article thank you. I survived 13 years ‘with’ a narc (11 of which he was living with another woman as it turned out). He once told me he could do anything he wanted with me. His response to hard evidence of his lying and cheating was to try and destroy it. To deny what I went through would be not to have learned from the experience and to be doomed to repeat it. Luckily not – met and married a wonderful man who is loving, decent and trustworthy.
Patricia
July 28, 2017 at 2:36 pmHi Zari! I’m so glad I found your books. I’m dealing with my ex N (he keeps reappearing in my life even 8 years after we broke u). So I did a lot of thinking, googling about the signs and I’m glad I found your site. Could you please recommend in which order should I read your books? I’m from Brazil so I’ll have to purchase the kindle editions from Amazon. I need to understand it all, as I’m so stupid that still being married I considered the idea of meeting him for “drinks” (I mean, really?). He just mess with my head so badly. Oh and please forgive my English… not my native language.
Thanks! 🙂
Zari Ballard
August 2, 2017 at 10:01 pmHi Patricia,
I definitely recommend reading When Love Is a Lie first and then Stop Spinning, Start Breathing. The little handbook Narcissism In a Nutshell is good anytime because it is straight forward about the behaviors specifically. I have a new book coming out – Vacancy In The Rabbit Hole – which is all about mentally breaking free of all this nonsense once and for all! Everything you read should be confirmation that it definitely isn’t you…it’s all him!
Stay Strong!
Zari xo
Jennifer
July 2, 2017 at 7:12 amNarcissism, from what I’ve read, is hard to diagnose. I’ve read a few of these articles and I relate immensely to everything said, from the patterns of behaviour, the cheating, the feigned remorse only after the anger at being caught. How can we really be sure we are dealing with a narcissist? I’ve told him I think he is one and since then I’VE been accused to being a narcissist to the point I’ve been looking at myself asking myself if I am. I definitely am not. I am asking as it’s important to recognise that what you are dealing with is a narcissist in order to remove all hope and walk away knowing that this isn’t going to get any better.
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2017 at 2:30 amHi Jennifer,
I happen to think that narcissism is very EASY to diagnose. The behaviors that define a narcissistic personality connect to each other seamlessly and there is no mistaking it. You have to be confident in the truth that you know because the narc, of course, will never admit to anything. Now this isn’t to say that every cheater is a narc because this is not true. But the fact that you have made it to my website and others tells me you know what you are dealing with. And even if you weren’t sure, why stay in relationship where your partner is treating you like shit? Who cares what the label is? Life is too short.
Get my book Narcissism In A Nutshell from Amazon. It’s a quick read and I explain EXACTLY what the behaviors are behind the narcissist’s relationship agenda and how they connect. You can call me too and I will give you my honest opinion one way or another. Good luck, sister!
Zari xo