For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, she or he must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging in the queue and incapable of moving forward even though the narcissist is long gone.
As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!
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That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and he destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!
Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as he walks away is not going to be an option – ever.
What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!
The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. He simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and he’ll always get the last word (even if that means he leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. His entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and he can play the Pretender to five targets at once if he has to. All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering his way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!
I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???
(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)
You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate. The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for his return than accept the fact that he only returns to ensure our unhappiness.
The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.
Stay strong!!!
[updated post – 10/06/14]
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Knight
April 28, 2017 at 6:10 pmLol.. This is so true tbh. I mean my n is my “mother” not a partner but it works the same way. I wanted a mother! And I nearly killed myself trying to make that happen. She devalued and discarded me long ago. I still live with her (fuck me) so it was especially painful. She had never been there for me my entire life. Either neglected or smothered and controlled. But always abused. It felt so incredibly terrible because in my time of most need, she just up and left. She would go on months (like 8 months) long vacations to visit her new supply (long story on who that is). And I was always ignored and a complete bother to her. My depression and other issues were an inconvenience for her and when I needed emotional support or just a parent in general, she was nowhere to be found.
I hated her. I hated her for taking away my family and friends. I hated her for taking away my only means of coping (the internet) with all the bullshit that was happening to me. I hated her for not loving me. I hated her for always yelling at me and having no compassion or understanding for my problems. I hated her for not comforting me when I was sad/scared/broken. I FUCKING HATE HER. But I wanted my fucking revenge. I wanted what she owed me. I wanted a mother. And so instead of leaving I stayed. I tried to get back the loving mother I thought I had. I thought she was mad at me. I thought I had hurt her. I apologized. I tried to make amends. The more I tried the more she hurt me.
She never really gave 2 shits about me until I started caring about having a relationship with her (bad idea, I know). She went from complete indifference to absolute pure hate, back to complete indifference. It took me to the verge of suicide. I reached out for help to my “family” but no one gave a fuck. I could have told them I have cancer and they would have been like “I’m sorry for your loss”. My “family” is rich btw and definitely has the money to help me move out from an abusive situation. But they just don’t care. Or even worse, they probably have already been poisoned by nmother’s lies. They probably think I am insane and I am the problem and have been told not to give me a single dime because I “just use people” or whatever insane shit nmother told them.
So yeah. I wanted closure and it nearly destroyed me. Actually. It did destroy me. But turns out you can be both completely destroyed and also still alive. Woo…. Anyway. I had a conversation with nmother recently in which she basically told me she will never give me what I’m looking for. She will never apologize. She doesn’t want to talk about the past. She doesn’t want to hear about my feelings. She doesn’t care. All my life she had been telling me this. But I just didn’t hear it clearly because it was hidden under the ” I LOVE YOU” and “I care about you”: and “I’m sorry, I know I hurt you, I’m going to change”. For the longest time, I really believe it was true. Really thought she did love me, she was just all kinds of fucked up and needed help. I tried to help her. To “fix” her. To get her to get help. But none of it worked. Because she doesn’t actually want to change. She never did. She would always say to me “well if you don’t like it you can leave”. Translation: “either you take the crumbs I give you or you can have nothing.” I didn’t want nothing. But I didn’t want crumbs either. I wanted better. I deserved better. But she made her position very clear. And not once in 27 years has she ever compromised. It has always been her and what she wants. And then what everyone else wants. And me last. Because fuck me.
In our most recent attempt at a “heart-to-heart” conversation, she told me: “So you’re saying you cannot live or move on with your life until you get from me what you are looking for? And if I don’t give it to you? You’re just going to fall apart again? I can’t give you what you’re looking for. You need to find a way to live with that.” So there it was. Like it had always been. Plain as can be. Clear as day. “I will never love you. I will never be the mother you want or need. Stop fucking bothering me about it and just go away already.”
…
And the worst part, she acts, and truly makes it seem, as if me needing or wanting anything at all from my “mother” is a terrible thing. Like how dare I. Like I shouldn’t. Like somehow that’s not normal. ????
Whatever.
Zari Ballard
May 8, 2017 at 3:19 pmHi Knight,
Okay…wait now…I got your first post and responded but THIS one gave me way more insight into your situation. I think I see what is happening here. My friend, you need to find a way to move out of there. I actually feel that on your last “heart to heart”, your mom was completely honest and it’s time for you to move on. The result, I’m thinking, would be surprising and I’ll explain this in a minute. You have stayed in that house for all the wrong reasons and it, if anything, as pushed her further away (as it would do with any narcissist!). Unfortunately, the more we want them, the more they don’t want us. You stayed both to punish her for being such a bad mom all those years and also in hopes that she would suddenly snap out of it and give you what you wanted but the truth is that you can’t do/have both. Do you understand that? I am so glad that you reiterated your conversation because I get it now. Look, narcissists know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit and that’s the bottom line but I see something different here. If your mom was, say, your girlfriend, she would have kicked you out ages ago no matter how bad you felt and she would have screamed the words “I never loved you” as the door shut just to dig the knife in. By the conversation, Your mom KNOWS you are there to punish her, to be her daily conscience, to remind her everyday what a bad mother she’s been yet she apparently hasn’t booted you to the curb and locked the door. Why do you think that is? You’d think she would have done that given the fact that even a “normal” mother isn’t under any technical obligation to shelter a 27 year old son – let alone one who so obviously HATES her – under her own roof. Do you get that? Think about this.
If what you really want in this life is a “relationship” with your mom, you have got to leave that house. I honestly feel that THIS is what she is trying to tell you. It’s time to start your own life. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that she could EVER be the mother that you imagine in your mind but My God, this situation is obviously not working and, therefore, you have nothing to lose by changing it up. I’d be willing to bet that if you suddenly got your shit together and moved out, there would be a change, however small, in how she behaves as your mother. In fact, I guarantee it. There’s something about the fact that she allows you to stay there even though she knows you hate her and that much of this is about punishment that makes me think putting space between her and you may just change this around to a point where you might actually get some resolve. At the very least, it would allow you to move on. I’m sorry but you moving out is only a win-win and you’ve got to do it. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to say that if you continue to stay there indefinitely, I’d have to start shifting the blame to your end because MOVING OUT is the ONLY WAY that your relationship with her would change FOR THE BETTER.
Like I said in my first response, you can write me using the Contact Me page and I’ll gladly talk via email. I want you to understand what I’m saying because, based on what you’ve shared, I’d be willing to bet money on my theory.
Zari:)
Essie
April 5, 2017 at 4:34 pmMy narc took the most extreme path to non-closure: he committed suicide when I began to fear for my life and went no-contact. He knew that his ending things in this way would devastate me like nothing else could, and he was right. At that time, I was still just starting to learn about NPD, and was still holding out hope that with the ‘right therapy’, he could somehow be magically healed of his many childhood wounds. Right up to the moment that he actually completed the act, I was in the game, remaining NC and watching (through other contacts who knew the situation) to see whether he’d follow through with therapy and the positive changes that he promised (more future-faking, as it turns out). Let me tell you, it took some intensive therapy and self-healing work to start the process of recovering from the two-plus decades of his manipulation and abuse, and to deal with the resultant trauma.
Donna
January 30, 2017 at 12:33 pmI have been married for 31 years. It has been a roller coaster ride leaving me lonely even though my husband is still here. I am still not sure what is the true issue but many of your comments ring true. I read some where that childhood neglect can cause narcissistic behavior. Is there any hope for those who where abused/abandoned who now fear a loss of control and therefore try to keep control. He demonstrates a lack of responsibility, the blame game (if only you), lack of empathy toward me yet others think he is a charming and a wonderful person. I am fearful of letting others know as my attempts in the past have led to worse behavior. I do love him and my problem is I don’t want to leave. I have a deep sense of moral conviction to my marriage, yet I desire to be loved. Am I really dealing with a Narcissist? I have reached out to a couple of sources but they books I received miss the issues. What is the root cause, DNA makeup, chemical imbalance, social influences (abuse), what? I just asked him to go see his doctor, but I fear it may only give him more reason to mistrust any form of help.
Zari Ballard
February 5, 2017 at 8:14 pmHi Donna,
I appreciate your moral conviction to marriage and you’re obviously a very compassionate person…. But girl, 31 years is far too long to suffer at the hands of ANYONE with a narcissistic personality. Why do you mention the moral conviction but then say “yet I desire to be loved” as if one should be despite the other? YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. If this man hasn’t made you feel loved by now, he will never do it. I don’t personally care WHY he is what he is. HE IS A GROWN MAN. Make no mistake about it, narcissists KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. They just don’t give a shit. You are fighting a losing battle. Compassion is fine if you are extending it to someone who knows they need help. Narcissists don’t think they have done anything wrong and therefore can NOT be fixed with love, therapy, or any magic pill. I lost my sympathy for the childhood problems of narcs long ago. He obviously doesn’t care that you suffer and you can’t make the rest of your life about HIS because the truth is that he doesn’t suffer. He will go to his grave thinking YOU were the problem so why try to fix that?
Now, having said all that, there have been times where I have spoken on the phone with clients only to tell them at the end that, although this person may be a jerk, he/she probably isn’t a narcissist. It hasn’t happened often but once in a while it will. The truth is that by the time people find their way to me or my website, it’s pretty clear they know already who and what they’ve been dealing with. If you’d like to talk about it at length where you can fill me in the details, please book some time with me to do that. I’d be happy to help:)
Zari xo
Rosie
August 15, 2016 at 7:45 amZari, I just want to tell you how much I enjoy your blunt, no -nonsense approach to dealing with this subject, if there is one thing that doesn’t deserve to be sugar coated it’s a narcissist! I so wish I had known about all this 8 months ago, when I was dropped like a hot potato. I was absolutely bewildered. At the start of the relationship I went through the love bombing, then the future faking, etc. It all happened in the classic order. I had no idea what was happening, I knew something was off but was so determined to try to make the relationship work. I had told this man that I have been hurt in the past but was going to take a chance on him and really just give him my heart, he promised me he would never hurt me and that he would love me as no one ever had before, that I was his soulmate . Awww. Well we all know how that turned out, don’t we? He proceeded to chew my heart up like a pitbull with a porkchop. Two years later he dumped me by text the first of this year, two days later he was on the dating sites. And I am sorry to say this was not our first breakup, ( but By God will be our last!) but the sixth time he broke up with me, (once in the parking lot of the couples therapist he insisted we go see) Each time he told me he broke up with me to teach me a lesson. And I kept going back for more, that is something I am not proud of. I still have no idea why I thought so little of myself and didn’t realize I deserved so much better. I have suffered for 7 months, wondering why, what, how??? Then a miracle, I googled some of his behaviors and statements he had said to me and found this website, and then I finally had my answers! And also, it has turned out, my closure. So Thank You, Zari from the bottom of my heart! I had thought all this time it was all my fault! (of course that’s what Mr. Un-Wonderful informed me) He even had the nerve to send me a mushy Valentine’s Day Card! His head is truly up his butt, where it belongs. I went no contact in March, have ignored the birthday card, the stupid texts, so at least I can be proud of that. I just want to tell all you good people going through this it does get better, and the best advice I can give you is not to look at your ex’s facebook page, I was doing that up to two months ago then quit, it has helped so much. What you can’t see can’t hurt you. Best of luck to all of you, and may we all stay strong! Keep the faith!
Zari Ballard
August 21, 2016 at 11:59 pmHi Rosie,
I’m grateful that you found your way to my blog when you did! Nope, it’s not your fault and there’s an entire community here that would be more than happy to confirm that for you. Stick with No Contact and it will keep you flying like a free bird. Life is too short for this bullshit and we have no more time to waste:)
Stay strong, my sister!
Zari xo
Kay
July 29, 2016 at 10:07 amPlease help me. I think he’s a narcissist but I don’t know. All I know is I’ve give my money my time my soul to this person and he still gives no fig to my feelings. I’m too old to start again. I’d be better off dead
Zari Ballard
August 8, 2016 at 1:49 pmHi Kay,
I can’t help you if I don’t know the story. No one is too old to start over (even though God knows we are all feeling that way) and you are NEVER better off dead. You can write me here with your story or you can book a consultation so we can talk but please tell more so I know how to guide you. I’m here to support you….
Zari:)
Layla
June 3, 2016 at 1:38 pmWow. You can’t know how much this article just helped me. It’s the ONLY thing that has given me hope since my N left without a word. One day he was writing me love notes and telling me how he wants to be with me forever and the next day he was gone with no reason. He wouldn’t talk to me and what little he did say was blaming me for everything. Now I know it’s on HIM and that I did nothing wrong. What a great relief that is!! THANK YOU THANK YOU for writing this article. It just may have saved my life!
Zari Ballard
June 4, 2016 at 12:54 amHi Layla,
Always glad to help. If you can, check out my book When Love Is a Lie. It’s a cheap and easy to read download from Amazon and – oh boy – it will resonate. You might as well erase my name off the cover and add yours to it. Mine would come and go – seduce and discard – until it almost wrecked me. Believe me, it was never you.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Julie
March 21, 2016 at 9:40 amI’ve recently tried very hard with ex for the no contact, however he has a car of mine on his property. Two weeks after the end of the relationship he texted me saying he’s trying everything he can with other woman to just get by cause he still loved me, when I didn’t return that love cause I finally knew what he was he immediately had the car impounded and denied having done it, and said I had my chance and called me horrible things. Our very last words weren’t great but I expected that, in the end he called me the crazy one and that I needed help. Since, I have blocked him from contacting me, but he will always find a way which scares me because he’s unpredictable and I want him 100% out of my life.