How on earth did narcissists and sociopaths ever pander their diabolical wares before the invention of cell phones, Facebook, and other forms of social media?
For those of us who’s relationship with a narcissist dates back, say, 13+ years, I think it’s safe to say that narcissists back then, sans the gadgets, were much tamer, far more cautious people with far less tools and strategies for making us nuts. Back then, it simply wasn’t as easy for the narcissist to be a narcissist because to be the best narcissist ever, a narcissist has to have weapons and there simply weren’t that many to be had.
To hear my Facebook revenge confession…click the video!
Narcissists can not be narcissists on brain power alone; they must have tools…weapons of mass destruction…options for making us insane. Back then, the N, of course, didn’t know what he was missing but you can bet he knew that he was missing something. Living in a society that’s basically driven by love and emotion and not having any extra ways to pretend that he/she had either one must have been difficult indeed. Back then, the victims, even while shocked at the weird passive-aggressive behaviors, simply thought this guy was just more of an asshole than the last guy.
But then came the cell phone and then came social media, giving the world of narcissism and sociopath a rocket-blasting boost that is still going strong. Yup, narcissism evolved right along with technology at a dizzying pace. And while the narcissists of the world thought they’d died and gone to heaven, the people who dared to love them thought for sure that this was hell on earth.
The 2-Phase Cell Phone Game
Narcissists use cell phones to hurt you by continually playing what I call The Cell Phone Game. The Cell Phone game, in a nutshell, refers to any narcissistic antic that revolves around the narcissist’s cell phone that gives you anxiety. In other words, if you’d be willing to give anything (and I mean anything at all) to have just one cozy hour alone behind locked doors with your guy’s (or gal’s) cell phone, then I’m 100% sure your N plays The Cell Phone Game.
For example, the N will use his phone as a tool to exacerbate your anxiety during certain phases of the silent treatment. First, of course, unannounced and unexpectedly, he suddenly goes silent. This is PHASE 1.
THEN, he uses his phone in a variety of ways to extend the chaos and make you crazy. This, of course, is PHASE 2, which is a doozy and goes something like this:
1) when you start power-calling his phone to find out what’s up, he deliberately lets it go to voice mail – for weeks at a time,
2) you text frantically and he doesn’t respond,
3) he allows his voice mail to fill up so that you know he isn’t even listening to your messages, 4) he blocks you from both calling and texting,
4) he changes his phone number (the ultimate rejection and my ex’s favorite!),
5) he gets a brand new phone with a new phone number (only you won’t discover this until he comes back),
6) after a long silence, he suddenly rings you with just two short rings, leaving no message, and then won’t pick up when you call back – ever,
7) he changes his voice message to something that just makes him sound single,
8) he turns the phone off so that it goes right to voice mail forever, or 9) he lets his minutes run out so that you don’t even know if he even has a phone.
And even while the two of you are technically “together”, the narcissist can still use his phone to torment you by:
1) being very secretive about what’s on it but acting like whatever is on it is no big deal (and you’re delusional!),
2) freaking out every time you even go near it,
3) appearing to conveniently have left it somewhere else whenever he comes to your house,
4) appearing un-phased by the fact that, when he is with you, his cell is mysteriously silent, and
5) pissed as hell that you even thought to bring that up! His cell becomes the perfect tool for creating plausible denial and, thus, one of the most effective ways of managing down your expectations of the relationship
And, finally, the narcissist will use his cell phone texting finesse as his favorite way to hoover or as his favorite way to accuse you of something ridiculous when you least expect it. When it comes to creating narcissistic ploys and tactics to use involving the cell phone, the sky’s the limit!
Narcissists & Facebook
Judging by the sheer volume of letters and comments that I receive detailing scenarios of narcissistic behaviors that happen to involve Facebook, it’s clear to me that this particular form of social media has become the ultimate narcissistic playground and weapon of choice. Facebook is to a narcissist what a baseball field is to a baseball player or an ice rink to a hockey player or a basketball court to an LA Clipper.
Facebook is a stomping ground for narcissists and sociopaths. It’s a place where they can shine and also shine people on. A narcissist will, among other things, find victims to target via Facebook (or be somewhere where potential targets can find him), juggle multiple relationships simply by blocking and unblocking certain victims at certain times, idolize, devalue, and even discard his victims via Facebook, create smear campaigns against victims to make himself look good, and deliberately post pictures of his newest target, professing his “love” for this person just a few short days after crawling out of his “girlfriend’s” bed never to return.
Facebook is no place for you to be if you are truly serious about maintaining no contact. In fact, blocking the ex via phone, text, email, and other avenues of social media while still checking on his life via Facebook constitutes breaking no contact even if you’ve made no contact. No contact is about you – not the narcissist – and, thus, it’s imperative that you understand the futility of stalking via social media. Doing this does nothing more than compound the anxiety that you are already feeling. Some will even tell me that they can’t help themselves but we all know this isn’t true because the truth is that we’ve always had the power to stop it. I’m telling you that you’ve always had the power and you must believe me!
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Understand that NOTHING – and I mean NOTHING – the narcissist does is ever random. NOTHING! So, when he dumps you or you dump him and he shows up on Facebook boasting about a new target and acting all in love, this is a deliberate act – a strategy! We forget that the narcissist knows us as well as we know him and probably even better (because that’s been his job, after all). He knows that you’ll check for him on social media eventually because he knows your habits. He knows you will do it and he’s going to make fucking sure that you have something to see that provides a big fat jolt of familiar anxiety.
At any given time during the first year of no contact or a break-up, checking an ex on social media will immediately set you back – even if you think you can handle it. It’s been almost two years for me and I still won’t do it. The success of going no contact and your overall recovery depends solely on your intention. Once you actually block his number (so he can’t call or text) and block him on Facebook and on all of your social media, the relief you feel will be amazing. It’s a relief that comes from never having to wait for anything from this guy ever again. No more waiting for a call and stressing you’ll miss it. No more waiting for a text and checking every five minutes. No more checking the caller ID in the middle of the night. No more checking email and social media for some snarky message or sickeningly phony-sweet hoover. Without having to wait and hoop-jump and wait some more, you’ll have so much time to be you that you won’t know what to do with it. And you will be able to do whatever you want whenever you want.
You will be free…and the journey from that moment forward is all yours.
Repost/Update from 2016
Vicki Martinez
August 2, 2016 at 5:58 pmThank you for taking the time to read my sadness.
Vicki Martinez
August 2, 2016 at 5:53 pmI am going through this now. He went silent again , no word, no explanation, no nothing. He has done this sadly many times in the past. Like before I apologized, I cried on his voice mail, I wrote pleadings, etc… He has a fake Facebook page, with many female contacts, and has his buddies as contacts as well. One of his Friends (blocked me)????:(.
I have read all his comments with other women. When he said he would call me ,he would be contacting his female friends on Facebook. I set up a fake Facebook page so I could have some contact and thought he would be pleased. Our contact lasted a week. Prior to that it had been the silent treatment about two month. His cell went dead and he said he had not paid his cell bill?. If I had not set up the Facebook page , he would not have contacted me. Now on (IM) he won’t contact me either he has gone very silent. He won’t tell me what’s going on. When we did had contact durning that week, I ask him questions he tells me not to ask him so many questions. I am num as to what I read, it describes him. Yet i don’t want to believe it. All this time I am just num I want to hold to some hope he will contact me , but I know he won’t . He is in love with some girl on Facebook and wants her to come to the USA. I am so hurt, it hurts to cry.
Marie
February 24, 2017 at 1:34 pmVicki… I know it’s a long time comment but I read this now… I wanted to say to you that I was exactly at the point you described…. the silence… the fake fb page to maintain a “contact”…. and also to see how he talks with others (… but he knew that it was me in a week… and I was more ashamed than ever..;-)… some days before the silence, he just told me on chat “well… I never wanted you to be in love with me… it’s all complicated and I can’t feel the same… I will meet another woman soon (he was chatting with this “friend woman” since some months)…. He succeeded to give me subtly enough elements on her to lead me to do researches and find out who it was… bla bla bla…I contacted her and learnt a lot about his shit… ( eg. He invited her to his place – another country- at the very moment when he invited ME too…?!?…probably if I’d have accepted his invitation, he would have “scheduled” her and me at different moments…?!? wtf ?!?…
My psyche exploded at that time… really… I went through Hell … I was alone in a foreign country (I was just on a “new start” from a difficult past life )… I went crazy… at the edge of suicide…had no place, no home anymore, … zero energy left and a so damaged brain that I couldn’t even think
Now… almost 2 YEARS after (well… I was hoovered aaall along and accepted to see him twice for 4 days each…- for me, it was important in the detachment process, the fb stalk, the meetings,… because I saw more and more what kind of shit he was… each wound, every sharpened word from him helped me to detach as at the same time, I was continuously learning about NPD…)… the only interest I have when now and then I think about his fb is to search a mean to crash it …:-)… I know that he would be very touched by the loss of his social tool and the effort and time to invest to rebuild his shit.
It’s the only fantasy that I keep for him…:-)
monica
March 23, 2017 at 6:53 amfor the sake of NO CONTACT, I just deleted my fake FB created for the very purpose to maintain contact and get over silent treatment, to figure out whats happening in that Zombies life. They aren’t worth our attention. forget love and care. Zombies need nothing. Fucking parasites!
Diana
August 1, 2016 at 9:03 pmI need help before i loose my mind or do something stupid!
Zari Ballard
August 4, 2016 at 5:23 pmMaybe you need to book a consultation to talk to me. Don’t do anything stupid. It’s not worth it – not for a narc, girl!
Zari xo
Barb
August 16, 2016 at 8:54 amDiana… You are not alone coming to this site was your step to understanding the madness. I just found came across this to understand and process my own nightmare, to make sense of what will never make sense. I met a man last year that I have mutual friends with. We all hung out, went on his boat he’s funny but I didn’t want anything. Buy then… He started coming to events that I go to with a mutual friend of his, and he never goes to them. I was out to dinner with a friend, I posted on Facebook he shows up I didn’t see him at first. He says look to your left and he’s there. I ignored it we were friends. He would tell me about this women he was seeing and I met her a few times out with other people. I saw her at a bar by our house and she tells me cares for him, what do I think if him. She wants him to be happy and she’s not leaving her husband. Crazy! So May comes and he’s asking me out but I said I don’t want any part of this and he said he wasn’t seeing her anymore. So I gave him a chance… We were hanging out with all our friends, having fun, he was very sweet caring and thoughtful but he said he couldn’t give me 100% because his feelings for her didn’t go away. After reading a lot this is triangulation I think! So last week he came from work out of town told me he was meeting her Thursday and he would see me Friday for breakfast which he did. He then told me she contacted me on Facebook and wanted to talk. So we talked. She said she wanted to be honest and had affair and doesn’t want to hurt anymore people. She said the guy I was with that I was just a convenience.
I said have you been honest with your husband.
So I did something that I don’t know if people would agree with. I called the husband since everyone was being HONEST. He was in shock but he also knew he asked if it was him and gave me his name. He said he new but they were going to counseling and she was to have no contact. He was not mad at me but thanked him for not being played any longer. As for the guy I was dating he blames me and as told his friends what I did and he’s not to be blamed for anything. They look at me like I’m crazy so I can Imagine what he told him. He came by house on Saturday middle of the night, I went out to my car and there was a container on the car the next morning for something I made for dinner. Weird! Since he went no contact blocked me from his phone and Facebook. I talked to him that day stopping by his house but he just kept telling what I did wasn’t right to come between his family, and no responsibility for what he did.
I want this nightmare to end, it’s going to be hard since we have some friends the same.
Floridian Mermaid
July 28, 2016 at 6:09 amOh Lord, this all sounds EXACTLY like what I dealt with for 2 or 3 years. It was utterly EXHAUSTING!!! And I have the distinct feeling that he is still stalking me online after two years of No Contact.
https://floridianmermaid.wordpress.com/2016/07/07/the-face-of-narcissistic-personality-disorder-the-creepy-facebook-stalker/
Michellr
July 25, 2016 at 12:03 pmZari
I would love to speak w you
I have been married to a narc for 5 years.. Once we moved to another state everytime we fought or even had a disagreement he would jump into the car and drive home to mommy and daddies house
Mind you this man is 53 years old and I have been reading up on all of this for the past 4 years.. He walked out 6 months ago after getting back together the year before from a 6 month stent away only this time he moved across the country Nd started over.. So 6 months later he started emailing me to come see him.. Blah blah blah… I asked him after my relapse and several emails why he wasn’t texting me and I would get huge time lapses and only correspondence via emails he did call a few times which I missed the calls so now he is back to ignoring me
What an idiot I am to deny what I know is the truth
He is a huge N
THAT ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF AND OR ANYTHING THAT IS SELF SERVING TO HIM
i know he will never find anyone like me ever
But I have to move on.. Sometimes the questioning how someone can love you so much can just leave you without looking back can do that is just paralyzingy to me.. I can’t ever imagine how to treat anyone the way I have been treated
Please help
Zari Ballard
July 28, 2016 at 3:21 pmHi Michellr,
I’d be happy to speak with you and I do provide phone consultation support. There are three talk packages to choose from so take your pick. It’s amazing how a conversation with someone who has been there, done that can change everything. Unless someone has actually experienced the madness, it’s almost impossible to understand. People try but they just don’t get it. I don’t know if you’ve read my books but if you book a consultation, I’d be happy to send them all to you in PDF. You’ll think you wrote them, believe me.
It’s all about changing your perspective. It’s hard to wrap our heads around how they treat us but it just is what it is. I did it for thirteen years and when he finally left, I was ready and barely shed a tear. If I did it, you can too, sister. YOU were never the problem and you absolutely deserve to be happy.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Toya
December 14, 2015 at 6:03 pmThis guy He’s been my best friend for a long time and I’ve been in love with him for a long time. He knows that and he says he loves me too but circumstances won’t let us be together which I understand. And like a month ago, I was working on my group project with the people in my group and I was on the phone with him trying to get his attention because he was talking to somebody else. And the guy from my group heard me and grabbed my phone and was like, “Yo what’s up bitch.” My guy best friend immediately hung up the phone and when I called back, he was like, “I can’t believe you let him do that.” And I kept trying to explain to him that it wasn’t my fault and that the other guy grabbed my phone but he hung up on me and wouldn’t answer the rest of my calls. I just thought I would let him get over it but the next day, my depression relapsed so bad that I tried to die all day. I was crying and bleeding and I kept blowing up his phone and he wouldn’t answer me. All day. I thought something had happened to him like he lost his phone or something. I kept calling because I truly needed him. I didn’t hear from him till the next day when he texted me and was like, “I can’t believe you let him do that. I thought u were my friend” and I was like “that’s the reason you didn’t answer the phone yesterday when I needed u?” And by then he had blocked my number and I haven’t heard from him in a month
Zari Ballard
December 21, 2015 at 11:03 pmHi Toya,
Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much for the dark side to come out. I can totally see that happening to you and it reminds me of many times where my ex gave me the silent treatment over something I had no control over. You can’t base your life’s worth on this asshole. Please, I don’t know your situation or if you’re somewhere where you can get help, but I’m going to go to my personal email right now and send you a PDF copy of my book When Love Is a Lie. In fact, I just did it right now.
I hope it helps….:)
Zari xo
Marian
December 3, 2015 at 6:51 amHi Zari,
I would be so grateful if you could help me in my pain and confusion.
I need to know if this man that I’ve fallen in love with is a narcissist or if I’m just being sensitive, needy and jealous. (Sensitive I know I am. And having recently come across the term “empath” acknowledge that I am that as well)
I belong to a closed group on FB of a couple of thousand members, all ex-pats of my home country. Six months ago I received a friend request from a man in the group. I checked his profile, saw he had many friends and family and thought he must be ok so I accepted. There were also many pictures of him in what seemed to be a very loving relationship with his wife.
I asked him why he requested my friendship and he said he found the posts I put up in the group very interesting, also saw in my face a quality he hadn’t seen before. I never saw that he had ‘liked’ a single one of my posts.
We started corresponding on a daily basis and I enjoyed chatting with him very much. Neither of us are young but he called me ‘young lady’.
He said he had been in two unhappy marriages and was now separated from his second wife.
Two things struck me as strange during that first week. He said I was the first Caucasian woman he had had his eye on in a while as he found Asian women very attractive – he then went into great detail about what he found attractive about them, how petite and beautiful they are, how firm they are into their fifties and how they love to please a man, until I said “well why don’t you marry one” to which he replied “cultural and language differences mostly”
We exchanged pictures of ourselves and continued talking on skype. After one week he said that he had decided. He wanted me to come and live with him in his country which is on the other side of the world. When I said we’ve only being corresponding a week, he said he doesn’t think this relationship is going anywhere. I said how can you give me an ultimatum after only one week? To which he replied I can see the lie of the land. I was extremely attracted to him especially as I have lived most of my life without the love of a man. I am not young and have been trapped in a loveless marriage for 3 decades, unable to break away for financial reasons and having no family around. He said it bothered him that I was still legally married, that he tries to be a good person and that it goes against his morals and that he had never been involved with a married woman before and I appreciated his integrity.
One morning I woke up and found a message saying this must be goodbye but the relationship continued. By the end of two months I thought I had finally found the love of my life and was prepared to leave everythng behind and go to him. He told me not to do anything yet as we didn’t know each other very well. He would come to my country to meet me and then we could decide. I was used to him talking to me every day and would wake up to good morning pictures of him, saying how beautiful and gorgeous I am and he had fallen in love with me although he had not intended to. Suddenly there were days when I wouldn’t hear from him and my messages would go unanswered. I was frantic because it was so unusual. He finally got back to me and said he had left his phone somewhere and to calm down, he was about to go into a meeting and would contact me when it finished. I waited patiently and then the next day tried to contact him and discovered he had blocked me on skype and on FB. I cannot begin to describe the shock, the horror and devastation I felt. I turned to every spiritual avenue of comfort I could find.
After three weeks a message appeared on fb (he must have unblocked me) saying hi how are you I’ve really missed you, can’t get you out of my mind. I was so relieved and happy that he was back. When I asked him why he had blocked me so suddenly and cruelly without a word and hadn’t responded to my heartfelt pleas and begging he said “it seemed the right thing to do”. The past three months he has given two dates that he was coming and then postponed them due to work reasons. The next date is the end of this month. All this time he has alternately expressed his love for me saying he was mine body and soul and when he came if I wanted to go back with him he would gladly take me, and then there would be silences of one to three weeks due to the terrible time he had been going through with his separated wife who was cruel and kept wanting more and more and would run him down to the children. He said he no longer loved her but had and she had witheld love as punishment “crazy woman” he added. He said he hadn’t written to anyone during this time.
Even when we corresponded it was often just for phone sex, be would hardly ever respond to a question or something I expressed even when I said I was worried about one of my children. After a week of being frantic he’d changed his mind again, he said he’d been very busy at work and at night was working on tax returns. I would then see posts on FB of all the fun activities he was doing although he was always alone. After seeing that I sent a pathetic little sticker on messenger that said “feeling all alone”. I could see he had seen it and when he still didn’t write a word of comfort I snapped and unfriended him on FB so I wouldnt have to keep seeing his posts when he was too busy to talk to me. I wrote that I didn’t want a person like him as a friend. Of course a few hours later I wrote and apologized and said of course I want him as a friend it’s his silence that unnerves me. Have written many times since and heard nothing. How long is lack of contact considered the silent treatment. I feel that I ‘ve driven him away by being too needy and not understanding, but on the otherhand is not responding or answering normal behaviour?
I once asked him if he was in a relationship with an asian girl he’s friends with whom he also calls “my beautiful girl” as he calls me and she calls him “darling” and “bosom friend”. I admit I accused him about it when I was very upset and he got extremely angry saying I had crucified him without asking him first and wouldn’t speak to me for a week, saying he loved her as a good friend and I owed him a huge apology otherwise we are finished. Obviously I felt terrible and apologized profusely day after day. He finally said he could feel my love and wasn’t angry anymore.
But then came another silence and the sticker/unfriending incident. I’m so worried I caused this and this time the silence will be permanent. I feel so sick and panicky that we came so close to meeting and I’ve blown it.
Why do I have such deep feeling and love for him?
This is the only place I have found to let it all out – I’m so sorry for the lenghth of it. Inthe meantime I have purcahased your two books and can’t wait to read them.
Does what I’ve described fit the description of an N? Wasn’t even sure what it really was until now. Thank you for your help
Zari Ballard
December 11, 2015 at 6:53 pmHi Marian,
Yes, this person without a doubt, has narcissistic qualities, but whether he’s a narcissist or not block his ridiculous, manipulative ass and forget the last six months. There is nothing even likable about this person and he is stringing you along just to keep you in the queue. Do you understand that not a single behavior of his is normal? Not a single one. He’s a creep, he really is. I wish I could sugarcoat it but I feel that it’s completely non-productive to that. He has no intention of coming “to your country” and, moreover, he’s most likely still married and living with the woman in the pictures. In fact, I’d be willing to bet money on it. This story is extremely familiar.
I am truly sorry that you had to ever start talking with this person. Unfortunately, guys like this are all over the internet. The internet is their playground and they can juggle relationships with women all over the world from the comfort of their own married home. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and he HAS DONE EVERYTHING WRONG. I feel that you are not so much “in love” with him as you are with the feeling of having something new in your life. Don’t confuse the two feelings. You don’t even know this person and what you do know about him is hardly likable. Block him, cut him off, do not allow him to pop in and out whenever he feels like it because he will do it until the end of time. There’s not an ounce of integrity in his cyberspace body.
Look, if you actually felt ready to up and leave a three-decade old marriage to start over with this person, then that means that you are ready to simply start over. But not with him. Please shift your focus because “love” is not what’s happening here. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, though, because it has taught you that you can still feel that thrill and that you’re still alive! Do not engage with this narcissist anymore because he is an ONLINE PREDATOR and he will waste more time out of your precious life. You deserve to be happy and it’s time for you to a develop a plan to get there on your own.
If you ever feel the need to speak one-on-one, I do provide phone consultations where I can put this relationship in it’s proper perspective for you. Sometimes when we’re in it, it’s hard to see it clearly. That’s what I’m here for.
Stay strong and write anytime, girl. I’m here to listen and support!
Zari xo
Marian
December 12, 2015 at 3:26 amThank you so much for your reply Zari. It’s exactly the affirmation I needed in order to go ahead and block him, which I have done. I still have healing to do but feel I have at least given myself the chance to do that by blocking him from ever re-entering my life again.
God bless you for the unending ever-giving support you give to so many of us all over the world.
Zari Ballard
December 13, 2015 at 6:18 amRight on, Marian! Keep your eye on the prize, girl, and miracles will happen:) I’m here if you need me…
Zari xo
Marian
January 1, 2016 at 6:13 amZari, I slipped and fell. Allowed myself to get hoovered back in. But something very good has come of this. Four days we were back in contact, it’s a long distance relationship. We had phone sex, he addressed me with such terms of love and endearment. He told me he was going to come and see me next month. One hour later I saw he had blocked me on Messenger (again). I was totally flabbergasted. Before it had been because I had upset and angered him in some way by commenting on his silences. This time there was absolutely nothing. I read and re-read our last conversation to see if there was something that could have been misconstrued. There was not, only me pouring out my love to him.
This time something final happened to me. To make love to me and then 1 hour later to block me?!? Any feeling I had for him was finally obliterated and with full intention (not like before, half-heartedly I blocked him on every possible ave. But my anger was so great I wrote him the following e-mail before blocking him there too.
“I don’t know who I despise more – you for your cold cruelty, lack of morals, integrity and conscience, or me, for letting myself be used and manipulated by an on-line predator. Never EVER dare to contact me again”
I can only imagine his rage. Could this be a fool proof method of succeeding in NC as for sure he never will try and hoover again, or could there be some fall-out or revenge I could suffer from for writing such a thing to him?
Apart from that worry, I feel finally totally free and released from the toxic addiction I had for him and feel only disgust.
I would love your feedback on this. Thank you again for this lifesaving blog.
Marian