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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.
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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.
For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.
Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.
For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.
Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?
If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.
No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.
It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you….
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Diana
February 26, 2015 at 7:57 pmHi,
First I want to say that I am still going strong after almost 7 months of NC. For some reason the N still is lingering, still after all the BS and abuse he put me through. Although I read and re read evrything on this site and in the books, it sickens me to think for one minute that I will ever conact this man again. I almost, ALMOST wanted to put is ass on blast and really state my piece, BUT if I opened that window .08 inch he would jump right in and I don’t want that shit ever agin. EVER. Although the time frames are getting longer in between, they are still there. Does tehN ever go away, or is it his sick :scheck in ” to see if you are still fucke d up from it all.
PS I in the interim made friends with a wonderful, gentle, repsctful gentelman and have been taking things slow, BUT he is purely amazing, refreshing and everything geared towars healthy.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Zari Ballard
March 8, 2015 at 12:11 amDiana wrote...I almost, ALMOST wanted to put is ass on blast and really state my piece, BUT if I opened that window .08 inch he would jump right in and I don’t want that shit ever again. EVER. So, true. It’s never worth it.
Hi Diana,
Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful that you found someone nice. Take it slow, be aware of everything, and always trust your instincts. Your “gut feeling” is never ever wrong!
Zari xo
anonimo
February 25, 2015 at 11:35 pmDear lady,
is easier for u if u manage to reverse this behaviour at him. What u need to do is gain power back. when he contact u or u can co tact him it doesnt really matter, u will meet him and then leave him dry like sahra. when he comes around again u do the same he does to u mean time u go one with ur life but u need to move one from a place of glory rather than pain powerless victim thst needs to defend. Be in control play with him become the narcisist. Is just anothrr way of loving, afterall. Xx
Zari Ballard
February 26, 2015 at 11:43 pmDoesn’t work that way with narcissists. They are always one step ahead. The relationship just needs to be over. Life is too short to focus on playing the same game.
Sandy
February 18, 2015 at 4:22 amHello,
I am new to this post and I am so glad I found your site. I was married to my Ex-N for almost three years and divorced for over 4. Needless to say it has been back and forth and we actively tried to reconcile during the past 2 years with me staying on weekends.
He has many N issues that I won’t go into along with alcohol problem. The bottom line is he discarded me again for the last time as I refused to move in and or marry him again. He is an extremely jealous and possessive person and one of the reasons I wouldn’t marry him was he wouldn’t get rid of his office manager that he had multiple affairs with ( it is his own firm) . He had quite the double standard with me having male friends at all, always saying that guys couldn’t be friends with women because all they wanted was to get in our pants… His words not mine. He also had quite an extensive alcohol related driving record and was still drinking even after license revocation and other court imposed sanctions.
When we got back together the last time he would say that the secretary was probably going to leave the firm to go back to her ex husband, eventually. Well she didn’t and isn’t. And when he was somewhat humbled by his legal problems related to his drinking he now has said no one is going to tell him what to do and he isn’t going to stop drinking.
So I knew in my heart things weren’t going to change and I wouldn’t give in. Told me that he asked me to marry him twice and that I said no and that he wants a spouse and is moving on with his life.
I guess it just still hurts that he takes no responsibility for anything or my reasons to still say no and denies that my reasons are real to me. It drives me crazy that he says I just don’t want to be married to anyone and that I can’t break away from where I live , that I couldn’t leave home. This is far from the truth . I left my own house, sold it, to move in with him resulting in a 100 mile round trip daily trip to work. Where the heck did he think I’d move to after the divorce? Down the street from him?
Anyway, there was so much more garbage in between . I guess although I wasted 2 more years of my life I am so glad I didn’t get remarried only to live the same life of uncertainty , walking on eggshells, the cheating , the lying, the jealousy and rage and the drinking.
Thanks for listening. I am interested in what you said about when their parents die. The only person he is close to (aside from his secretary) is his mother and I must say I find it somewhat odd. I liked his mother but he calls her by her first name and they use language and have conversations that I find inappropriate for son and mother, sometimes it was embarrassing to me. I know her husband cheated on her and was a controlling jerk and didn’t treat her very well. It’s almost like my ex was a surrogate friend for her. He also said , while he was drunk, that when she dies I’ve is really going to lose it. she is 86 and doing ok but has health issues. So I guess his new spouse, whomever that may be, will get to deal with that as well.
Sorry to ramble and thank you again for your posts and articles.
Sandy.
Zari Ballard
February 28, 2015 at 10:33 pmHi Sandy,
Thank you for writing and I can relate to each and every word that you wrote! Isn’t it amazing how delusional and irrational the mindset of a narcissist can be and how they can deny what we’ve done for them even if they’re looking right at it (i.e. the fact that you gave up all to move in with him, commuting 100 miles to work, yet you just can’t pull yourself away from where you’re at now). Bastards! You can’t continue to ruminate over it, though, because is there is and never will be any rational explanation for why they behave as they do except that they’re mutants or aliens or just one of God’s very few mistakes.
As for the parents, my ex had a weird relationship with his mother as well and he kept me and her separated at all costs (except at the very beginning when he wanted to make a good impression on me). It was a love/hate and it was almost as if they would break-up and get back together all the time with him moving in and out of her home (where she lived with her much younger husband who they would gang up on) when he wasn’t living at my house or, I assume, at the home of some girl. This is very common, believe it or not. In every single story I ever read or in any letter that gets written here, there is always a “mother” issue in some way. Bizarre. I believe that, in most cases and in my own, the mother was not the best as they grew up. My ex’s mother – or so he said! – was a child abuser and, I think now, a narcissist herself. So, this is has always been a point of contention in our relationship because he kept whining about the childhood yet continually went back to her when he wanted to disappear with me. She provided him a “safe house” for doing things behind my back and during silent treatments and I instinctively knew, after the first few years, that I was basically not welcome there so he knew that he was safe. It was a nightmare because THEN I could do nothing but drive by night after night and it became one of my desperation rituals.
Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. It’s a cheap and easy read and you will see yourself on every page. I believe that my book will empower you to see the situation for what it really is. We get caught up in the drama ourselves and it’s very hard to get a grip on what’s actually happened. It’s time to find your own happiness and pull away from the drama and addiction once and for all. You are not alone, girlfriend, and I am here to support you.
Please do read the book and feel free to write anytime. I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Paula
February 17, 2015 at 10:37 amWow…..ok I dont know where to begin. It was pointed out to me by a friend that I was dating a N man. I didn’t realize this until I read up on it. I met him a few years ago would meet up have a great time then he would disappear for months at a time then come back. Lat year we both decided to start dating. It was amazing he was kind, gentle always said the right thing. It was the best few months of my life. Things changed…I started seeing less and less of him. He never had time for me. I sat for a month not knowing if I was still in a relationship or not. Finally I started going out instead of sitting at home waiting. Almost 2 months had past and he finally decided to meet up with me and break it off. Sad part is that he said we should remain friends. To offer a girl friendship when love is in her heart is like giving bread to someone who is dying of thirst. At first i thought it was a bad idea then decided if I could at least just have something with him its better than nothing. It kills me to see that his is always on line. He has blocked me on FB but I do know he asks friends to see my profile when they on fb. I am so confused. He left me hanging, told me we never know what might happen in a week, a month or a few months we could still end up together again. This is like dangling a bone in front of a dog. I did everything for him, I spoilt him with gifts, showered him with love and I was the one who was accused of cheating, moving on and not feeling pain. I miss him and I am trying so hard to move on with my life but the wounds are deep. I love this man, I ask myself why all the time and reassure I can do better and someone out there will appreciate me for me. If I chatted to someone I was considered a cheat. If I was quite I was moody. If I was loud and happy that too wasn’t right. I know I sound stupid but I do want him back I know deep down inside he does have a good heart and can actually be a good person. How do I move on from here, how do I make him miss me. I do know that should he come back when his ready I might just not be ready to take him back or want him for that matter. For now this is all new to me. Can anyone advise what steps and mind games a N will play. PLEASE
Zari Ballard
February 20, 2015 at 3:15 amHi Paula,
So sorry that you are going through this and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website. Yes, he sure does sound like a textbook narcissist, that’s for sure but there’s something you have to understand: he really doesn’t have a good heart and he will never be a good person. You have to think about it…..good people with good hearts don’t treat those who love them in this manner – EVER. We tend to forget what’s normal in this life and NOTHING about silences (break-ups in disguise) for months on end and popping in whenever he feels like it and leaving you hanging not knowing if you’ve got a boyfriend or not is normal – NONE OF IT. I did it for 13-years and my book When Love Is a Lie explains everything and how I got over it. It’s a cheap and easy read from Amazon and it will really help you get a handle on who and what he really is and, more importantly, what it means to you in your life. At some point you have to ask yourself if this is the way you want to be treated…if this is the way you want to spend your life. These guys will say anything that they think you want to hear when their ready to come back and you can bet that, when he does, another girl somewhere is getting the silent treatment.
Please read my book if you can because it explains everything and I guarantee you will see yourself on every page. Trust me, his “bad” is as good as he’s ever going to get and life is too short to let some jerk come and go in your life like that. He isn’t capable of loving anyone but he’s an excellent pretender. And no matter what you do or how much you love him, he is never going to change. You have to decide if this is REALLY what you want for your future. You deserve to be happy all the time not just every once in a while when he decides to come back and play. A narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain….to keep you in his queue. You deserve so much more than that.
I know it’s hard. Read my book and you will never feel alone in this again. We’re all here to support you!
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Sherry Sharpe
February 28, 2015 at 5:25 amPaula
I feel sorry that you even met this man. The one and only thing you must understand is this man is incapable of loving anyone. He is an empty shell. No one is home.
The only thing he gets out of all this is that he is able to cause pain. He feeds off your pain. These people (I use the word people lightly) are the most evil people I wish I never met. They mean no one any good. Not even their own children. You will never have any semblance of a normal life with this person. I know first hand because I was married to a narcissist for 16 years. I lost all those years on this person. This is the biggest regret of my life. A relationship with these people will never get better only worse. There is no future with them.
They can not love or feel empathy. keep your personal life to yourself because they will use it against you. Nothing is ever their fault. Every negative thing they say about you is them projecting them selves on you. Run, Run, Run.
Zari Ballard
February 28, 2015 at 8:06 amHi Sherry,
Thank you for sharing and great advice:)
Zari xo
Jean
February 16, 2015 at 2:40 pmNever did anything like this before but just had to say that I am just getting away from a man who has dominated my life for 6 years. Everything I read is me and more. No contact has not happened yet but the time is coming . Luckily my family and close friends have always been there even when I chose him over them because they new that it wasn’t me.
Zari Ballard
February 20, 2015 at 2:26 amHi Jean,
Thank you for writing and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website:) I was also lucky enough to have friends and family that loved me no matter what because I know how it’s often easier to pretty much blow them off rather than deal with a confrontation with the narcissist. My relationship lasted 13-years and if I could get away and make it stick, anybody can. I think you would find my first book, When Love Is a Lie , very comforting. It’s a cheap and easy read downloadable from Amazon and you will relate to all of it. You can do this, I guarantee it!
Stay strong and feel free to write here anytime. I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
amanda
February 10, 2015 at 11:59 pmhi it’s been a month since he left and i’ve started healing! but my question is, is he keeping tabs on me? he’s deleted me off everything but snapchat which is really WEIRD. and then always checks my snapchat stories and it’s started to freak me out. is this hoovering? does he know what he’s doing or is he just curious? is he going to return if i never call or text? or do i have to reach out for him to want to come back? it’s been a month as of yesterday so I figured he is just done with me. any input is appreciated!
Zari Ballard
February 28, 2015 at 8:35 amHi Amanda,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you! It’s typical for the narcissist to poke around social media to check up on previous supply (you). It doesn’t mean he’s hoovering because if and when he does that, you will know it. He will WANT you to know. And sure, he may come back even if you never text or call but you can decide right now that you are going No Contact and block him at every avenue. Blocking is the only way to separate from the chaos and nonsense. Otherwise, you will always be waiting. Same goes for social media. In fact, I always suggest disappearing from social media altogether for a little while. You don’t need to be peeking at him either and whenever you’re online, it will be a temptation. Good luck, girl….
Zari xo
Katie
February 3, 2015 at 5:00 pmZari…… How are you? Me…. I’m ok I screwed up and messaged him back in December and received nothing back! I had a weak moment… I found out he wasn’t with that new girl anymore and then I un blocked him on FB (stupid move) and he did put his status back to single but was still friends with her. And so ofcourse I was watching his page for awhile and the ex/new girl was still posting little comments to his page and then I seem that he put that he was back in a relationship with her a couple weeks ago. He read my message on FB (private message) but never responded. I can’t help but to think that he has changed and is doing really good and is good to her even though there is a reason they obviously broke up before. Cuz one of my friends also said she seen him and asked where is girlfriend was back at the end of November and he said “oh that didn’t work out”. But now as of a couple weeks ago he is back with her! Please tell me it’s not going great like I think it is!!! We haven’t talked since last July other than me having that weak moment and messaging him on FB in December. I’m sure you remember my story I have commented on here a few times.
Please help!!!! 🙁
Zari Ballard
February 7, 2015 at 6:09 amHi Katie,
Of course I remember and I’m grateful for the update. Look, you are in good company as far as being in the Club of Weak Moments. We’ve all done it a million times and had to pull ourselves back up. I’m going to tell you right now that his life is exactly the same and that he is putting this girl through the ringer just like he did to you. You know full well what that break-up must have have been like and that the silent treatments in between will continue whether their broken up or not. Nothing changes. Nothing. The first problem, however, is that they can make it appear that things are better and the second problem is in having mutual friends who find it necessary to fill you in on his shenanigans. The third problem – and you already know this one – is that social media makes it way too easy to keep up with him and that is something only you can put an end to. As we both know, if you don’t look, you don’t see. Period. And I’m sorry but what is your “friend” doing even talking to him much less asking him where is new girlfriend is much less telling you that she even did that????? I’d be taking her out of my contact list but fast. This is supposed to be your healing time and it’s hard enough for you to do it on your own terms….you certainly don’t need friends sabotaging your efforts.
The fact that you tried to contact him isn’t the end of the world. I’m glad he didn’t write you back because now you can continue on as if it never happened. Keep postponing the sadness or the weak moments. If you feel it coming on, simply postpone the feeling for 24 hours because you can always feel sad tomorrow. Then, when tomorrow comes, postpone it again and just keep doing it until it goes away. And it will go away, I promise.
Stay strong, sister, and write me again so I know how you’re doing. Pull yourself up and get on with your recovery. You’ve gone this long and you’re still alive and functioning without that madman making your life hell. You deserve to be happy and your time is a comin’!!
Zari xo