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A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his narcissistic supply still pines for him and that she never moves on from the pain he has caused her. Referred to as the hoover (or, as I like to call it, The Hoovering, because, to me, it smacks of a scary movie!), this return is very deliberate and typically won’t occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer than the time before. By timing these reappearances perfectly, the narcissist conditions his victim to not only expect him to come back but also to expect him to come back at a much later date, thus giving him more play time in the interim. All of this is part of the narcissist’s control/validate tactic which, in turn, is all a part of the process of managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more. It’s such a subtle conditioning that victims often don’t even know it’s happening…like a horror show coming soon whether you like it or not.
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As you know, a hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise, by the way) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda that all narcissists live by.
For example, a narcissist may 1) come back full-on by simply showing up and expecting to pick up right where he left off without a single repercussion, OR 2) not quite ready to return but still wanting you to prepare for the possibility, he’ll begin hoovering with a sporadic text or an email or he’ll ring your phone (hanging up before you answer) from either his number or one he knows you’ll recognize and associate with him. With the second type of hoover, any attempts on your part to return the text, call, or email will likely go unanswered because the intention here is not to actually communicate with you but rather to warm you up to the situation…to get you feeling anxious, confused, and maybe even quietly excited about his possible return.
Whichever tactic he uses, the narcissist’s intention is to keep your mind spinning with “what-if’s” so that you never even get a chance to move on. Again, as part of his agenda, this manipulative behavior lays the groundwork for the next discard which, of course, will come faster (after his return) and with far more crippling intensity than all the discards before it. This agenda – which all victims of narcissist abuse are familiar with – is described in great detail in my book When Love Is a Lie. Nothing a narcissist ever does is random and that’s a fact.
For my narcissist ex, changing cell numbers before a return (and arming himself with a ridiculous excuse as to why he did it) became his preferred tactic for erasing his tracks. This tactic caused me a great deal of anxiety and sleepless nights and I even created a name it – The Cell Phone Game. It took many years to figure it out but I finally concluded that the timing of each number change and subsequent hoover was directly related to the condition of his relationships and the direction that he felt he had to run. Of course he never admitted to this, but I am confident to this day that my theory was spot-on. For 13-years, if he wanted to return, new numbers were not only part of the hoover with me but also a way to disappear from someone else. Like any good narcissist, he knew exactly how to do it and I’m sure you’ll find that it sounds familiar.
Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out). If he was just testing the waters and not quite ready for me to have his new number, he’d hoover by giving my phone just a single ring from odd numbers around town belonging to businesses and payphones – numbers that no one in the world except me would ever recognize on a Caller ID. In essence, he’d be counting on me to recall those numbers as the random numbers he used to call me from when we were together and he had no phone at all! And he was right… I always recognized them and felt instant anxiety. Again, nothing a narcissist does is ever random. Everything is a strategy. With my ex, I’m sure that the odd locations from where he’d call me when he had no phone (while we were together) became a way to set the the stage for future hoovering when he didn’t want me to know his new number. And I’m sure that his nonchalant disinterest in taking me out during the good times had much to do with his planning for future hoovers where just a single text (out-of-the-blue) requesting a “date” was all that was needed to grab my attention. Sound far-fetched...or does it sound familiar?
If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this: a narcissist only hoovers and/or returns to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you. No matter what he tells you, this is the only reason. A narcissist’s intention, after all, is to always keep you in the queue, ready and waiting alongside all the others (and there are always others). Hoovers are stuffed with lies and future-fakery and downright bullshit. It’s a sick game of cat and mouse that will steal years from your life if you allow it. At some point we have to simply say “That’s enough” and refuse to be there when the narcissist returns.
No Contact is the key to escaping The Hoovering and the narcissist’s life-long plan for you. It’s also the only opportunity you’ll ever have for breaking the codependency to hope that the narcissist counts on you to cling to while he’s gone. Remember, the narcissist is never worried about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found a better love because he’s conditioned you to wait for him…to wait for the hoover.
It’s time to ignore the subtle signs of hoovering and get on with your life. No one has a right to manipulate our emotions and it should never be acceptable to any of us. By enabling the narcissist’s behaviors, we set ourselves up to fail each and every time and we deserve better. Say “no more” and mean it! Remain committed to No Contact and to creating your happiness. I, for one, know you can do it!
Stay strong and I’m here to support you….
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Ashley marie
May 14, 2015 at 9:37 pmI am currently being in a relationship with a narcissist least I think he’s a narcissist I’m not sure I could be the narcissist well when we first met I was sit down and I will talk to him and I would tell him about all my problems with my ex and he would sit there and he would listen and he would give me advice and he is always been there for me got kicked out of my apartment and I was seeing this guy and he was trying to help me get into a new apartment he had his own business and everything and so my narcissist he was coming to the hotel every day he would leave when the guy will come and then he’ll come back and he would be there with me everyday all the time 24 7 he was constantly be around me so he was telling me that he wanted to make me you know really good lean while we were having sex apparently of course he didn’t and I fell completely over the hills in love with him in so when I get my new apartment he moved in with me I was still seeing the other guy the guy was paying my bills and so on and so forth accept him I was buying him things and I took care of him and one day I got my taxes and I bought him a phone I think that was the day that people call it a switch I noticed it but I didn’t want to think that that’s what it was and so it’s been up and down emotional rollercoaster I have been through a lot of abuse of things in my life but to me and my mind I am loving and caring I give to people I’ll give my last I care about people I love and generally it just seems to me as if he just doesn’t care like I was find his snot and on my floor he was like shaggy Louise in my shower and I would ask him not to and let his dog on the couch I’m asking not to in the dark shades thinking to myself what a piece of s*** and then so we would get into arguments and now at this moment we’re arguing now and I don’t even know what to think anymore now I think I’m the crazy one and I’m the narcissistic and I’m the one who’s making him unhappy and depressed and I’m losing weight and I’m going crazy I don’t know what to think anymore
Zari Ballard
May 31, 2015 at 3:13 pmHi Ashley Marie,
Thank you for writing and I apologize for the delay in responding. Since a million things could have happened since you’ve written, I’ll get to the point…..kick his ass out and enjoy your life. He is using you big time. It doesn’t even matter if he’s a narcissist or not because if nothing else, he’s a complete asshole and opportunist. It’s clear to me that his hanging around the hotel all that time was nothing more than him waiting to have a brand spanking new apartment to live in. Once he got that and the PHONE (the favorite “secret” toy of narcissists and other lunatics – it opens their world up!), it was basically all over. The ungratefulness, the snot, the shower, the dog – it’s gross and he doesn’t care. How disrespectful can a guy get?!
YOU are not the crazy one. YOU are NOT the problem. Think about it – WHAT are you even getting out of the relationship – nothing! He’s a user and, yes, probably a narcissist and, yes, definitely an asshole extraordinaire. Tell him to fuck off and live your life. He will never change and YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
T
May 5, 2015 at 7:55 amThanks! I also wanted to say reading this forum and both your books have definantly been such an eye opener and a step in the right direction for me. It helped me get strength.
T
May 3, 2015 at 8:09 pmHey I emailed you a few weeks ago… Did you ever get it? Could still really use advice and things have kind of gotten worse.
Thanks
T
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2015 at 12:01 pmHi T,
Please forgive me…between emails and this comment section, it’s been crazy. Please let me check the email a few weeks back and I will respond a bit later today:)
Zari
Katy
April 27, 2015 at 4:09 pmThe IRS is looking for him, he told me I need to Thank god I’m not with him. What does that say about me. Thank you, Katy
T
April 9, 2015 at 4:26 pmIs there any way I can email you so I can get some more insight on what is/has happened to me?
Zari Ballard
April 12, 2015 at 12:07 amHi T,
You can use the Contact page to send me your information and I’ll do what I can for you. Also, until the 13th, I’m running a special on phone consults and you may want to consider it. Sometimes an hour of one-on-one conversation does a world of good and may just be the thing you need to get on the right track. It’s up to you….either way you choose, I’m here for you:)
Zari xo
Kate
April 3, 2015 at 7:50 amAaargh! He has tried to hoover! I never thought this would happen! I answered the phone (landline) because I lost my cellphone today and someone has it, but won’t speak to me when I call them! Infuriating! So the landline rang and I thought it was the person holding my cellphone – it was the narc/spath! I’m so surprised! Hence all the shout marks! He’s decided that his new woman is not correct company for him because she’s been vaccinated! BULLSHIT!! She must have come to her senses pretty quickly and gotten herself out of there. I hope so. My GOD! The arrogance of this stupid fucker! I spoke to him for far too long – five minutes – then bon voyaged. Asshole.
Kate
April 3, 2015 at 7:55 amI do not want to be discarded ever again, so FUCKING painful. How DARE he call me again with that wet bullshit. I could kill him. Hate him SO much.
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 1:57 amIf nothing else, Kate, sometimes these little moments where they get through is the reminder we need to kick them to the fucking curb once and for all. There’s a reason for everything. Don’t be angry, be done with it! Narcissists have the biggest balls in the world when it comes to their reasoning for showing back up. Do NOT feed into it and do NOT give him any way to contact you. Block that landline!!!
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Shae
April 6, 2015 at 5:44 amIs it wrong to want to hear from the arsehole even though I blocked his number .. Well the number I had for him .. I know he has changed his sim .. I think I just want to call him some more in his crap!! Here’s the thing knowing he got a new phone you would think he would switch the old one on to see if I had called remember I am pregnant with his kid .. I hope he did cause the time I contacted him was just over 2 weeks ago and it was a txt message calling him a sociopath and telling him it’s not his fault he is a lying using cheat that gets girls pregnant and leaves and takes and abuses that his mates call him a player like he’s a god but really they should call him a sociopath and
the best thing he ever did was turn his back on me best gift and only one he ever have me.. I haven’t broken contact since then but I do hope he switched his phone on for a ego boost and got that he hates being caught out!!
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 6:17 amHi Shae,
No, it’s not wrong because I’m sure that I would feel the exact same way and many times I did…many, many times. But the problem is that you have to figure out what exactly you want to happen here. You already know that he’s not going to step up and become even an inkling of the guy you’d wish he’d be. It’s way too late for that. He’s just running around making babies and not caring about it which is very, very common. Just tonight, I’ve answered letters from two or three other women who are suffering just like you, carrying a baby that belongs to an irresponsible, unfeeling narcissist. These guys just don’t care. They just don’t fucking care – it blows my mind.
Now, here’s the other side of the coin…you ARE pregnant with his baby and come hell or high water, I’d make him pay for that through the nose and if he can’t pay for it because he’s a loser narcissist with no employment as well, I’d STILL drag him to court for paternity and to make his life miserable. THAT you can do and have every right to do it. But you better be ready for it because it also means that you are going to be fighting this battle forever and ever and ever without it ever getting better. Sometimes it’s better to take the baby and run and go it alone rather than be connected to such evil for the rest of your life and for the kid’s life. Narcissists make awful parents OBVIOUSLY…look how he’s behaving now, can you imagine what it would be like with the baby born??? It only gets worse. Of course, he will probably, at some point, get sick of the new girlfriend(s) and feel that he can just pop back in “to be a family” with you because you actually have his baby. He’ll think “Hmmmmmm….maybe this will be okay because at least she’ll always be around when I can’t hang with XXXXX”. They do it all the time only to leave just like that in the same way that he always has – the silence. That doesn’t change just because you have his kid. NOTHING changes even though he will lie through his teeth to get you to think otherwise when he needs a place to hide from all the others. It’s really horrible and, for you, it will be endless. You really have to think about this. What is it that you want right now – realistically? Do you want to drive 5 hours over to his place and cause a ruckus? If you do, don’t go alone…please, please don’t go alone. You are right – the best thing he ever did was to walk away so now you have to think about your life and what you have/want to do. He simply doesn’t care. You being pregnant is a big inconvenience to him but it’s a much bigger inconvenience to YOU, that’s for sure. All decisions that you make must be made with a clear head.
As for his phone, who knows? Mine would change his number every single time he gave me the silent treatment. Then, he’d either show back up with the new number or he’d dig into his bag of old phones, turn one on, and ring me from a number I’d recognize. It was a sick fucking game and it was cruel. You do have a right to be on his ass but just be ready because basically your life stops right now until you figure it out. If there was no baby, my response might be different but not a whole lot different. Baby or no baby, there is no good purpose AT ALL for having the dark cloud of these monsters hanging over our heads. No way.
I wish the best for you and I’ll be thinking about you on this end:) Keep me updated…
Zari xo
Shae
April 6, 2015 at 6:26 amI won’t hear from him and I know that it’s hitting week 5 now and I keep thinking about the last 2 months and different things all the signs were there I should have walked then I think it’s the how could he just not care thing that is doing my head in all the bull shit he feed me for 2 and a half years all the times I left and he wouldn’t give up he never told the others he loved them he always used me saying he was still in love with his ex even though I wasn’t the ex.. What the hell is that I know the rest don’t have the money and class that I do they are down and out young girls with nothing and dress like little strippers I think that’s why I was the one to be showen off to the family etc and labelled the gf I want this out of my head it’s really starting to make me think im mad
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2015 at 1:07 amHi Shae,
My wonderful friend Sherry – who has lived your exact life – sent me a letter after reading your story and here it is:
Hello friend,
Wow do I feel this girl’s pain. This story resonates so much with me. You just want to shout to the world what a complete asshole he’s being in hopes that he might have guilt and do the right thing. C’mon, where’s the Prince Charming that you once saw? Well I’ll tell you where he is, he’s turned back into his real self toad and you don’t want to touch that thing!
I found out I was pregnant after I had already discovered he was cheating. I had a friend who told me not to mess with this guy. He’s bad news. He was married and divorced with a friend of a friend and “he never paid child support!” How does that happen? I mean, I kept thinking maybe there was more to the story….
Here’s what advice I can give you and you can choose to do what you want with it. I had the means to raise my baby on my own, but still thought a fathers love couldn’t keep him him away from his child. One I decided we’d be better off without him, the chaos left me and something beautiful happened. I ended up with the love of my life! After my beautiful precious child was born, I notified the sperm donor (because that’s ALL he is). He assured me that he wanted to see her and that he’d talk to his new wife (#3) and get back with me. 6 months went by and no word!!! My attorney sent him a letter requesting that he relinquish his rights. He never even showed up for court.
After he divorced his third wife who he has three children with, he is now in contempt of court for not paying her. He has pages of court records and a history of not paying people. He works the system, files for bankruptcy, comes up with new business names and keeps getting away with it. He will marry someone who has good credit, use her name to start a business, ruin her credit, name etc. and start over with someone else! He always drives the nicest suv you can buy, lives large, but doesn’t show that he’s making enough to pay for a corn dog. He gives the judge some sob story about his business being the worst ever, they reduce his child support payments to barely anything and she is still fighting after 15 years. Not to mention he is a terrible father who can never love anyone but himself.
Zari is right. If you have the luxury of walking away, it would serve you and your child to move on. As much as it sucks for you, this man will continue to do this over and over. He deserves to pay, but he will fight you in court and you will see ugly like you’ve never seen before.
Good luck in your battle. You and your baby deserve more than this.
Much love,
Sherry
Sherry
April 6, 2015 at 11:45 amForwarded letter to Shae from Sherry!
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2015 at 1:16 amYou read my flipping mind! I asked and I received! I imagine you always in the background reading quietly and then – poof! – you pop in at the perfect moment. I love you, sister…hope Maddie and Jeff are doing wonderful and that you are happy as always. Thank you so much for sharing with Shae because if there was anyone that I felt knew exactly what she is feeling, it’s you.
Thank you so much…
Much Love,
Zari xo
Shae
April 8, 2015 at 1:46 amHi guys … Thanks I know I’m better off with out him and I don’t think its my heart that is hurting at all its my head and all the thinking of what he really did and why I was so silly to stay … I think im mad at myself for playing his game for so long and being like this again .. I mean not the first time he has left me pregnant so I have decided to just vanish pretty much I won’t chase him for money he has none and I don’t need it and with any luck his arse will be behind bars so I have decided if he ever contacts me I’ll hang up but I really don’t think he will knowing he read the message I sent his phone exposing him and his bull shit and you know what I hope when he’s sitting behind bars he thinks that I was the one to mark him in lol blow to his ego always thought I would love him to the end of time and would never hurt him well if losing all his drug money and power and control is what matters to him and not having a decent lady and a family I’ll take that from him!!!
Zari Ballard
April 12, 2015 at 12:03 amThat’s the way to think, Shae. Take the power back and be done with it! At the very least, his life will stay exactly the same forever and ever and so be it. Yours will only get better….
Zari xo
Shae
April 14, 2015 at 11:56 pmHi guys well guess who rang me today lol sorry am laughing out loud!! Had a call from a number a cell number when I answered it made that kind of sound like when some one is out of range… After saying hello like 5 times he hung up then a min later the same thing again .. I was thinking it was a biz call I was missing so called it back and the phone was off .. 20 mins later I rerang it still thinking it was a biz call and I get this hello just as I was about to hang up and it really did take a min for me to click it was him!
I said did you just ring and hang up and he said yeah I was saying why are you calling and he went I miss you and thought is ring just to hear your voice thought that would be enough and see how you are I was wondering .. I cut him and said what wondering if I was still pregnant and he said if you are it’s good I said you and your cheating I know everything he went in to you don’t know me at all only ever wanted to be with you and loved you I said well you aren’t doing this to me again and he went don’t txt me or nothing lol .. Umm ok why didn’t you block your number and call then if you just wanted to hear my voice said I wont and hung up!! Been laughing he sounded so Pathic and I feel fine feel better for him calling guess his life isn’t awesome he would hate swallowing his pride and being a wimp
Zari Ballard
April 27, 2015 at 3:28 pmHi Shae,
Wow…what a snake. Funny how the conversation went from “I miss you” to “Don’t text me…” as soon as you acted as if you were doing just fine without him. He really is something, isn’t he? I hope you do not hear from him again but I do understand that you feel a tad better knowing that he is really just the jerk you remember him to be. His life will ALWAYS be that way and you have to know that yours will always be that way TOO if you ever let him back in. It’s never worth it – ever:) I hope you are doing well and I’m sorry it took so long to respond. Thank you for the update and keep ’em coming…
Zari xo
Shae
April 28, 2015 at 1:26 amHe will be back even I can read him now and maybe that’s the problem … He knows I know the real him!!! But being hung up on and called a cheat wil not sit well with him…
So I have a bet with myself and a few girls lol just to make light of it all as to how long he will stay away for this time I’m picking on my birthday the 15 th may that will be a good 4 weeks since the last try.. watch this space
Sherry
April 15, 2015 at 7:21 amHi Zari,
Anytime I can help someone, I’m glad to. Maddie and I are doing great and getting ready to go to New York! She has a singing competition that she is doing there and I’m just along for the ride. Speaking of being along for the ride, did I tell you Maddie totaled my Suburban? She missed her turn and we ended up in the ditch! Luckily, neither one of us were hurt. She did learn that you can’t do jumps like the Dukes of Hazzard, because it bends the frame of your vehicle to the point of no return. Ha! Teenage drivers scare the shit out of me!!!
She has remained no contact with Donny and seems to have no interest in seeing him. She showed me some text from his daughter (the favorite of the 5 kids), which basically said that she needs to quit being chicken and come see them. She said “He’s still your dad and you need to see him.” Maddie just explained to her that even though he is her biological dad, he’s not the one who raised her and has always been there for her. She said “I know you don’t understand this, but Jeff is who I consider to be my Dad. He has never put conditions on his love for me. Even when I acted horrible and said some terrible things to him. His love for me never changed”. To which “J” replied “Well, you could at least text him and tell him you love him!!!” Maddie said “Mom, it’s sad that he’s trained a 10 year old how to act just like him.” She said that she knew she had to end the conversation, because she was trying to guilt me. Bingo! I love that she gets it without me having to explain it to her.
Sadly, this is the game that he will try to play. He will stop at nothing. He texted me saying “How’s Maddie? It’s tearing me up not seeing her”. Then he went on to say that his twin boys were terribly sick. He was pretty sure they had listeria from the Bluebell Ice cream they ate. I know he wanted me to rush in and tell Maddie so that would pull on her heartstrings, but after careful consideration, I put my “BS” hat back on and decided that the odds of them being the only known case in Tulsa were probably pretty slim and it was nothing more than a scare tactic that he often uses to create chaos. Piece of work that Donny is!
I think of you often and want you to know that the work that you do matters! The impact you’ve made on me and other people’s life’s makes a difference. Don’t ever forget that sister!
Much love,
Sherry B
Zari Ballard
April 27, 2015 at 3:53 pmHi Sherry,
Okay, I know it’s not funny about the car wreck and I’m so glad that you’re both okay – but MY LORD!! She missed the turn and went into the ditch! Was Mommy sleeping on the passenger side? LOLOLOL The way you described it, I just had to bust out laughing. Why is it that whenever we describe harrowing events to each other, it’s just fucking funny??? Teenage drivers ARE crazy but someday Maddie will have limos driving her around so you won’t have to worry:)
Well that was laugh #! and the second laugh was the BLUEBELL ICE CREAM “feel sorry for me” scenario. What happened? Was he trying to think of something to text you that would make you feel bad and happened to hear a news broadcast from the other room? That’s it! I’ll tell her the kids had listeria from Bluebell! OMG! Surely, I hope to God that they didn’t but…come on! He’s such a dork, I swear. It would have been even funnier if he said it was HIM who had the Bluebell poisoning but even Donny knew that wouldn’t fly…oh my, thanks for that laugh. LOLOL Narcissists never cease to amaze me. At least now I can say that I know someone who knows someone who mighta had listeria from Bluebell!!
As for Maddie’s response to the other child’s text, nothing to say except for SHE’S SO AWESOME!!! Give her a hug for me, will you? And Jeff too! And if I was there, you know I’d give YOU the biggest hug ever, sister:)
Love always,
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 1:54 amKate wrote...He’s decided that his new woman is not correct company for him because she’s been vaccinated! BULLSHIT!! OMG, even if that were true…just shows you what a fucking weirdo he is. It’s pretty hilarious as far as excuses go. He’s obviously run out…
Hi Kate,
Deep breath, sister…..That’ll teach you to answer your own phone! LOL Just relax. The five minutes is over and you never have to do it again. Now, just block him on the landline and be done with it. He’s off his rocker!
Zari xo
Shae
March 28, 2015 at 2:51 amHi I meet him 2 and half years ago during this time it’s been drama after drama and I don’t understand how I let my self be treated like this.
I have my Own business I have a house new car and have always modeled for a living and I meet a guy that lives in his mothers garage has no car and earns minimum wage working maybe 20 hours a week!!
He is rough around the edges but good looking was charming at first and lived a 4 hour drive away and even though he wasn’t the kind of man I would normally date before long I was driving 4 hours each way weekend after weekend and paying to stay in motels paying for gas up and back .. Anything we did I paid for diners nights out absolutey everything .. The whole time he told me I was the only girl and u found out there were a heap others and each time I went back .. I was a strong mined lady I would always end it and he would always end uptalkibg his way back in .. He has a very bad temper and would go in to fits of rage and a very nasty streak he doesn’t hide.. This lead to him being kicked out of his mothers by now he had lost his job and was on very heavy drugs .. That I didn’t know about .. I was pregnant when he was asked to leave his mothers so he went to his brothers he had already broken off with me even though I was having his baby but he saw me in the street pregnant and had a moment and wanted to talk to me I felt sorry for him and dropped him of $400 in cash and $300 of food shopping he wouldn’t come to the door to even take them or say thank you.
At 20 weeks pregnant I lost the baby and he didn’t care said to him it wasn’t real cause it wasn’t here.. But down the track he came back and told me he didn’t come to the door that day because he knew he was and had been cheating on me and felt bad for doing so I took him back again .. The cheating went in and on after a paid weekend away by me I flew him home and he got a 19 year old girl he was seeing to pick him up from the air port and got her pregnant .. I once again let him talk his way back in .. After that he seemed to have changed and was always telling me he wishesd he was the man he was now when we meet and had only ever been with me he now understood what real love was and the difference between sex and love .. I would always check his phone and he seemed to be being loyal he stopped using facebook and wasn’t in drugs wasn’t going out to bars I believed he changed!
Then he gave me a ring and asked me to marry him I didn’t reply the way he wanted he lost his rag so i went to leave he grabbed me by the thwart and threw me to the bed like he had done before even when I was pregnant and locked me in his room for 4 hours and spat on me .. Pulled my hair if I didn’t sit how he said .. Bruised me black and blue .. And peed on me it was madness I didn’t think I was going to make it out.. Finally he passed out asleep from being so tired from ranting at me.. I made it to the door where his mother was outside and told me I need to learn when to shut my mouth.. His father would beat her and treat her the same she finally left him .. But yes after that I knew the fear and and would be scared of him but I still got talked in to going back .. He said it was my fault I was stale and wouldn’t let go of the past cheating and couldn’t see how much he now lives me and was wasn’t cheating .. Few months later found new girls in his phone more lies missing condoms .. Said he gave them to his mate ???
We went away with friends of his and he had chocked me that day accusing him again so I didn’t want to be there when he started being mean to me that night I went back to the Motel and left him there in a paid for motel with his mates yes I paid for there room to… That was the worst sin I made him look a fool in front of them .. So he cut me off wouldn’t talk to me or txt back this went on till 2 weeks later I had to go back up for a wedding that I was doing the photography for .. Friends if his I didn’t want to let down they were nice people!!’I rang to go pick up my things and he abused me down the phone said he had never been part of my life that I didn’t allow him to come to where I lived.. He never asked to and the twice I sorted it he changed plans he had meet 8 of my good friends and my Aunty to which he was rude to .. I went to get my things as soon as he saw me he got up hugged me started kissing me and threw me in the bed and started having sex with me I told him no .. And I don’t want to but he ripped my nickers off and looked in them .. He thought I had been with some one else he he had sex with me that day and I just laided there he asked me what was wrong and I said what does it matter you just f&@)?! me like a tramp and I left .. Next day at the wedding he was cold to me unless another male came near me and he said I was his gf.. I left the wedding and he got in my car and made me drive him home it was a half hour drive when we got to his house I told him that was it get out im done he took my car key so I couldn’t leave went through my phone.. I got my spear key out of my other bag and left ..that was 6 weeks ago .. Since I left he cut me off again then after 2 and half weeks started asking how could we start over I had to understand I was his dream girl and he would never get another girl like me blah blah nearly fell for it a day later I told him nope didn’t think he had his heart in it and to that he replied sweet that was it sweet .. 3 days later I txt him to tell him I was pregnant he didn’t reply 2 days later I txt him ok I’ll leave you alone won’t contact you you don’t want me or the baby to which he answered straight away .. Ok love you .. I txt back wtf gave him a rant then he wouldn’t take my calls would answer one time and scream f@?$ off down the phone at me that was it … I sent him back his ring a letter calling him on his tourmented soul a pregnancy test Ali g with photos of it devopling from start to end with the date and time on them .. Because he would do what he did to other girl and say I was lying or that it was a old test and a self stamped envolpoe to send my key back to me .. I said send it or I’ll be there next weekend to get it and the last thing you want in me there pregnant on your door step again you might have to feel human .. No reply .. 3 days later I txt him had a moment saying I don’t know how me and the baby don’t matter to you how you can act like we were never together.. No reply .. A week and 2 days from he getting the letter my key arrived back to me no letter nothing just the key .. Thought he would have kept it as control or thought he might of sent it so I would contact him and say thanks for sending it.. I waited 3 days and txt him and told him he’s a sociopath listed his traits and etc and finally said thanks for sending my key back that you stole in another of your controlling immature moments .. I don’t think he got the txt as I now no that phone has been switched off and he has a new number .. So I’m pregnant he doesn’t care and he’s gone left me like the last time .. Well many of you don’t get the last laugh in these men I feel I have .. I know he was growing a huge amount of pot in the bush with a friend I know where it was through reading the messages in his phone when I was looking for signs of cheating it’s huge money 80k plus I k ow he has firearms with no license and stolen motor bikes .. I see him as a danger to every one so I rang the crime stoppers and let them know it all.. With no name of course .. He’s known to the police and the Info is bound to be taken as correct .. All that matters to him is money and being the man the man with power so I see all the thousands I spent and he took now as a investment ..I don’t think I’ll hear from him again I think he knows that I’m to much hard work to keep happy with his lies and he walked away from the other baby so I don’t see him caring about this one im 38 and he is 31 ..
Zari Ballard
March 29, 2015 at 2:14 pmHi Shae,
Thank you for sharing and I’m grateful that you found your way to my blog. Listen, I’m going to go to my email after I finish here and send you copies of books in PDF. I believe they will empower you to move forward and to make a new life for yourself. Being pregnant is a tricky situation because you will always be connected but it can be done if that is what you choose. The most important thing is that you stay away from this monster once and for all. He will never ever change because he doesn’t believe there is a thing wrong with how he behaves. Everything that he says is a complete lie. You will only hear from him what he knows you need to hear to get him what he wants. It’s a vicious cycle of abuse that never fucking ends until YOU end it. No more wasting time, girl. His “bad” is as good as it’s going to ever get and you know that.
As for the revenge, good for you and lets hope and pray he gets what he deserves and it has no repercussions for you. Whether he thinks you are the problem and that’s why he never calls you again, so be it. It doesn’t matter! Block him so that he CAN’T call you. Delete him from emails and social media. Cut off the avenues of contact so that you can have peace and quiet, knowing that he couldn’t contact you even if he wanted to. Move if you have to so that he can’t locate you. Cut the ties you have with mutual friends…just walk away from them without saying a word. It’s hard but it must be done. My books will help you, I promise.
Stay strong, sister, and keep reading and writing. This is a place of support and I am here if you need me. I will send the books to the email that you signed in here to write your story….look for them.
Zari xo
Shae
March 29, 2015 at 7:07 pmHi thanks I know A few weeks ago he did go to a friend of his and even she said we only see him now when things aren’t right with you guys and he’s looking for info .. She said we know he lies so we take what he says with a grain of salt.. I have since not contacted them or any one he is connected to!!
Things keep going around in my head right down to the last 8 weeks with him like the phone going off at all hours again this stopped when I believed he was being faithful .. And the missing condoms all his good going out gears on the washing line even though he says he hasn’t been any where .. The signs were all there and he lied through every one of them and I fell for it .. Or did I .. I mean that’s why I went back through his phone to find another 3 girls txting him dirty messages and photos .. I just don’t understand why after weeks and weeks he mailed my key back .. Was this cause I said I would come and get it and he really didn’t want to see me again like the last time he did the same thing .. I thought he would have kept it .. The other thing I don’t understand is that I pretty much did his room up .. Bedding rugs lamps book cases light fittings all of it .. How does he sit in that room the one thing he gave me I gave back .. And it’s odd he keeps everything like if we go some where he keeps the tickets if I sent him something in the mail he keeps the packaging .. Or the box things come in sit on the book case up the top what is that.. Like a throphy that he got more money out of me??? So hard to understand how some one says they love you in a Wednesday and by Friday don’t even care your pregnant and also said Wednesday wish we had kids together then Sunday when you say I’ll leave you alone and won’t contact you not even about the baby will txt you back ok love you then just go slient for 3 weeks????
Shae
March 29, 2015 at 7:16 pmI forgot .. He didn’t want any one knowing I was pregnant .. Is this because of past miscarriages he doesn’t think it will happen.. Or is it so he doesn’t look bad I mean he already walked away from the now 19 year girl that had his baby last Xmas…. He tells all his friends he loves me so much but I don’t trust him and how he’s a changed man … Is it to save face with the few good people in his life?? I had a moment a few days back and contacted that girl and said sorry for being so horrible to her when it all came out and how I know he’s now a sociopath and she would have been fooled by him and his lies and that I was pregnant and she should know her baby was getting a sibling she said I told you he was mean and don’t contact me again it ll has nothing to do with me .. Which is fine wasn’t looking for a new bestie but we live in such a small country that she should know down the track he has another one floating around ..
Zari Ballard
April 2, 2015 at 7:31 amHi Shae,
Yes, it’s about how he looks to the outside world. Too many pregnancies at once and his worlds are going to eventually collide – that bastard, he deserves it!! I’d have half a mind to take out an ad in the local paper to announce it! And it was a very admirable gesture on your part to contact the girl. Even if she didn’t go for it at the time, I’m sure that she’ll remember that you reached out and appreciate it. It’s an awkward situation and he has forced it upon people. He’s really a bastard, girl!!
Zari xo
Shae
April 2, 2015 at 9:26 pmThanks being the bigger person isn’t always easy.. Even though she is young this other girl did know he had a gf .. And she also knew I had lost a baby to him before .. But she carried in seeing him any way and told him twice before she really was pregnant to him that she thought she was so you would think his dumb arse would have used protection with her after that but no … Had to laugh when the condoms disappeared not long ago and he said he gave them to his mates .. Haha yeah right that well your learning cover it up no more babies with the hoes!!! This young girl is trouble and has a big mouth even though I told her to keep it to her self that I was pregnant i know it will spread like wild fire and that he has just cut me off … I live 5 hours away and have cut all contact so some people are going to catch on he’s a nasty shit!!! I have ups and downs ans I hate the downs and keep thinking do you ever think of me and know what you did was just wrong I know the answer but it hurts so much!!!
Zari Ballard
April 2, 2015 at 7:27 amHi Shae,
I’m just finishing up an article about narcissists and compartmentalization and I’ll be posting it tomorrow on this blog. Narcissists have each relationship in its own little compartment and he simply walks in and out of compartments. believe me, he has no remorse or guilt for the person in the compartment that he just walked out of. They simply don’t feel that at all and as hard as it is for us to wrap our head around that, it is what it is. Mine would do that all the time to me. I just couldn’t get past the fact that he loved me on Friday yet he could walk out Sunday night after a small fight (that he would deliberately start) and not call or come back for anywhere from 3 weeks to 4 months. Didn’t happen every week but he managed my expectations down to the point that I’d be sick while he was gone but I’d still wait for him to come back. It’s sick, it really is.
Narcissists are not good people. They are pathological liars with a relationship agenda. They will tell you what you want to hear just to get what they want in the moment. And they only return to ensure that you never move on from the pain they have caused. All the keeping of the tickets from dates and the room…aside from the fact that they’ve watched enough TV and observed enough relationships to know that girls probably would notice if they did that (and like it, buying them “points”), it’s not like they don’t appreciate it in the moment as something you are doing “for them”. However, never forget that they feel ENTITLED to what you do for them and therefore expect it. There’s a difference. So, actually, you’re right when you say it’s like a trophy for the money spent on him. Well said and sad but true.
Zari xo