Why a Narcissist Creates Chaos (Book Excerpt: “When Love Is a Lie”)

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The following is an excerpt from Zari Ballard’s book, When Love Is a Lie:

Without chaos, the narcissist has nothing. The more chaos a narcissist creates and projects upon you, the more you suffer and the more in control he becomes. The more in control the N becomes, the more he’s able to manage down your expectations and get away with murder – right before your very eyes. By creating a non-stop cycle of narcissistic chaos, the N projects a crazy-making condition upon his victim that is intended to destroy her.

The victim’s reaction to this form of mental abuse – where confusion and chaos is seemingly at every turn –  can escalate from mere frustration to psychotic craziness in a very short period of time and this is what the N counts on. Once you, as his victim, have reached a breaking point, the N then finds a variety of ways to use your behavior (which is, of course, a reaction to his behavior) against you and for his own benefit. The very fact that you are acting “deranged” makes him feel vibrantly alive! For this very reason, a narcissist will always turn a good day into a bad day, keep you on the edge of your seat, and act erratic and unpredictable.

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He wants you in a heightened state of anxiety and uncertainty 24-hours a day. He’ll tell you one thing and do another. Normal everyday functions and responsibilities are intolerable to him. He’s reliable only when the outcome serves him in some way. When you really, really need him, he’ll be nowhere to be found. He’ll make plans for next week and then disappear the day before as if the plans were never made. To explain a disappearance or odd behavior or silent treatment, he’ll create an illogical story in incredible detail and then dare you to question it. Most of the time, you will be so bewildered at the depth of the lie, that you choose instead to “sort of” believe it. The alternative – to stand up for what you know is true and call him on The Lie – would, of course, guarantee his early departure and a feeling of doom and gloom that you’ll do anything to avoid.

Every so often (and usually when he was trying to lure me back), my ex-N would excitedly suggest we see an upcoming concert together. This, of course, would mean making plans, something I was completely hesitant to do since I had been let down countless times previously by promises he never kept. So, each time he suggested a date, I naturally seemed reluctant and I hated the fact that I couldn’t get excited about anything. When I explained my fears about him letting me down again, he always acted insulted (as if he would never do such a thing) and inevitably I’d give in and make the date.

Without fail, every single time, the night of the event or concert would come and go and he’d be nowhere to be found.  I’d be sick to my stomach – again – at the very fact that I let him lead me on to another disappointment. It was such a show of deliberate malice, deliberate neglect, that it hurts now to even think about it.

In normal relationships, the goal of one partner is typically to make the other partner feel good. With both working towards this same goal, relationships enjoy a period of peace and security where both partners seemingly blend seamlessly. This type of relationship is conducive to both partners always feeling that the other partner has “their back”. A narcissist never has your back.

The fact that I could never “count on” my N for anything ever was – and still is, in retrospect – the most hurtful part of the experience. During one three-year stint when my ex worked as a cab driver, I was probably the only person in town that he wouldn’t give a ride to. One scary night, after stalling on the highway and coasting my car down the nearest exit, I found myself smack dab in the worst possible part of town. Terrified, I called the N who I knew was working. He wouldn’t answer his cell. I called again and again. Nothing. Then, I called cab company dispatch and relayed a message to the N and my location. An hour passed. A group of troublemakers had spotted my car and promptly began to circle it (more chaos – what’s up with that?), taunting me. I watched in vain as two police vehicles cruised by but never stopped (like I said, this was a bad part of town). Another hour passed. I called the N’s phone (he ignored it) and dispatch several more times but couldn’t get through. Terrified, I finally dialed a girlfriend who promptly crawled out of bed and drove over 20 miles to rescue me in her pajamas. She would later tell me that the terror in my voice during that call haunted her for days after. As for the N, he would later tell me that he’d been angry at me about something and that’s why he never came to get me or picked up his cell. He simply could have cared less about my situation and never once apologized for ignoring my calls of distress.

From then on, in the rare cases that I needed similar assistance or any assistance, once in a while the N would come but it was never without fanfare. My friends, however, both male and female, always had my back. That’s what friends do. Lovers are supposed to be our friends. The N’s reaction to others helping me (if I even told him), would range from complete indifference (and probably relief that he hadn’t been called) to shock and disappointment that I would call anyone else besides him. Moreover, when I attempted to explain my reasoning for not calling him (complete with examples of his neglect), he pretended to not have the slightest idea what I was talking about and accused me of making him look bad.

Does (or did) the partner in your life have your back? Could (or can) you count on him no matter what – even if one of you is angry at the other? Are (or were) you a team? Think about it. Answering “no” to any of those questions….why is that even an option for any of us?

If you enjoyed this excerpt,

 Download When Love Is a Lie  from Amazon ($3.99)
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26 Comments

  • Melissa

    November 26, 2016 at 7:43 am Reply

    Hi Zari. You really opened my eyes. I’m married to an narcissist and I never knew it. He has again left right before my birthday Nov 7. Before Thanksgiving and Christmas of course. Does just about every year. He left told me and my 4 yr old daughter to get out of the house he’s giving it back to the landlord. I’m in a new town which I moved to for him. I know no one. I had to put an ad on Craigslist for a place to live. Charity of strangers I was so scared. He didn’t care. Told by him to go to a shelter. He says it’s over and I cannot believe I’m crushed even though of what he did to his own child is unforgivable. He says he’s done and rubs it in my face how happy he is. He’s encouraging me to date all the time which makes no sense. But then he will act jealous accusing me of having sex with men. It’s killing me how extremely happy he is and rubbing it in my face. It’s been a month this time we have been apart. How can someone move on so fast. He doesn’t see his daughter hasn’t in a month and rarely calls her. But will text me all the time now. Doesn’t ask about her. Just me. I’m so confused. I try to do NC but having my daughter it’s hard. He will flirt with me one minute then tell me how done he is. Is this normal? How do I handle it? I’m dying inside trying to survive. After he left I found out he wasn’t even paying for my car. I lost it. Do narcissist care at all even about there children? He’s always bragging about his new girlfriend, new clothes he bought and how good he looks, about his new car and just how happy he is. Is he really happy? I’m so confused. Any advice from anyone would help. Been dealing with this for 7 years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 6, 2016 at 5:59 pm Reply

      Hi Melissa,

      I apologize for the delay in responding, girl. It sounds as if you have quite the situation. If he has “moved on”, let it happen. You say you can’t go no contact because of your daughter but it appears that he doesn’t see or care for her anyway so it shouldn’t matter If you allow him to interfere with your life by texting and calling, he will do it until the end of time. Does he pay child support? Because if he doesn’t, he should. Take it to court and have the money come right out of his paycheck. No, they don’t care about their children. They pretend to so that the outside world doesn’t see the truth but it is all a lie. What is happening to you is a perfect example of that. Do not allow him to get out of it financially. There have to be consequences to what these creatures do but measures are rarely taken by the distraught partner. Don’t allow this to happen to you, sister!

      Stay strong,

      Zari xo

    • Karen

      December 8, 2016 at 7:18 am Reply

      Your first responsibility is to your daughter.

      Seek financial provision for her (3rd party; maintain NC). Don’t allow her to be a pawn, and don’t hold out an olive branch waiting for him to demonstrate paternal love – paternal love will not land on that olive branch and he is s****ing on it from a great height.

      You are not responsible for his relationship with his daughter. He is.

      You are responsible for her well-being. Show her what love really is by your words and actions. Be careful not to make her responsible for your feelings.

      Demonstrate to yourself and to your daughter what love is:
      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

      The truth is that you are out of that relationship. NC. Forgiveness is not the same thing as going back onto relationship. NC.

      Love. NC.

  • Lena

    September 16, 2016 at 7:01 am Reply

    When I read this it just makes me open my eyes. N and I are on silent treatment again. I had several very bad situations. One in which I lost my house and would have been homeless. He wouldn’t let me stay over at his place. Luckily my friends took me in.
    Another one my dog died and I asked him if he could stay over because I was really heartbroken. He wouldn’t even answer my calls. And told me the next day that he loved that dog even more than I did and that I’m just trying to get his attention and he had to punish this behavior. That’s what he always says. He creates drama, gets my ex husband involved, my job and then tells me he punishes me because he rejects drama.
    We have been on/off since 8 months. The last time I saw him he told me he can’t be with me anymore, so I ended that date and went home. Last week he called me and tried to have me come over again. He won’t leave me alone.
    He’s in Germany (my native) right now and I know exactly once he comes back he is going to rub it in my face, so I blocked him everywhere. I hope I’ll stick to it this time, but I have been doing my research and I’m convinced he’s a N.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2016 at 4:57 pm Reply

      Hi Lena,

      Trust your intuition and always be confident in the truth that you know. You owe him no explanation for you going No Contact. get your head together and realize that this is your chance to fly. If you don’t do it before he returns, he will happily waste another eight months of your life and it will pass in the blink of an eye. There is no time to waste!

      Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. You deserve to be happy….

      Zari xo

    • Karen

      December 8, 2016 at 7:00 am Reply

      Whether he is or not is almost irrelevant. Please use this as an opportunity to free yourself emotionally and physically.

      You “know” he is going to be unkind, ungenerous, spiteful. You know this because he has done it repeatedly. Repeatedly.

      This is not love.

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

      Please don’t twist all of that to mean that you now need to show him how to love. Or give him opportunities to make it up to you.

      Get out and demonstrate that you understand what love is because you make the choice to live in loving relationships (where you are loved and are loving, in equal measure) as per the above definition of love.

      The past 8 months were melodrama – not passion, not love. You have a lifetime of love in front of you.

  • Lisa

    July 24, 2016 at 4:19 am Reply

    Zari – when I read this I got tears in my eyes, as I had an almost identical situation with my car breaking down and it was during one of the “silent treatment” times. I was calling and leaving messages as I was stuck near the Mall as my car was overheating and had had problems with it and needed coolant. My Narc would not pick up the phone and I was asking him just to go get some Coolant to help me so I could at least drive home or to the mechanics shop. He never responded. NEVER! I then waited for an hour until my car cooled down and was able to get to the next exit and then it happened again. He still would not answer his phone and even after leaving repeated messages that I needed help. Again, I waited on the side of the road for the car to cool down and called my sister who stayed on the phone with me until I was able to drive another mile to my father’s house. I then was able to call a good friend to come and help me. He too, when he was ready called me and never mentioned a word. I am in the 2 week period of a 6 year relationship and finally am enforcing the No Contact and determined to now discover me again and have a better life, a life that I deserve without misery, anxiety and craziness. Thank you for all your great articles as they are helping me so very much.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 25, 2016 at 2:17 am Reply

      Hi Lisa,

      I’m so sorry you went through that…it hurts to the very core. I can’t count the times that my ex did that to me but this one time really did it. I felt in such danger and he could have cared less. This was when I realized that he did not and would never have my back no matter what. Even as a friend. It’s very hurtful and I’m sorry you had to feel that. These are the times in any relationship with a narc that you realize that you are truly on your own. Love isn’t supposed to be that way….it’s supposed to feel safe and, with these jerks, it truly doesn’t.

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

      • Karen

        December 8, 2016 at 7:07 am Reply

        When I read of the repeated behaviours, it makes me wonder why repeatedly put up with them.

        I think you’re right about managing down expectations. I think it’s also about shock and not believing it’s really happening, and giving repeated opportunities for someone to redeem themselves. As if somehow this time it will all click into place and make sense. Meanwhile the N is working hard to make sure it never does make sense.

        • Zari Ballard

          December 13, 2016 at 3:20 pm Reply

          Hi Karen,

          Yup, you are right on every point. We can’t wrap our head around it so we keep hanging in there hoping it’s not what we think. And, yes, the narc just keeps us confused. Nothing he does is ever random – he does it ALL with intention. He KNOWS right from wrong…he just doesn’t give a shit!! haha! Basically, that’s all we need to know! Seems to easy in hindsight, doesn’t it? Thank God we have each other:)

          Stay strong!

          Zari xo

  • Cindy Ellen Glass

    June 10, 2016 at 2:53 am Reply

    My former N never made him self available unless it served his ego well and soothed his guilt and shame. After my cancer diagnosis he thought making amends by finishing what he had started in my home and then driving me to my new home in Florida would make me grateful forever.

    That was the end of November and we had kept contact since. My cancer has worsened and my hormonal system is a mess. Crying is an understatement, more like a tropical storm.

    I never understood his resistance and fighting everything and everyone until now.
    Monday night was the last contact and after I told him it was done for good I smiled but am still far from thoughts of him and wishful hopeful thinking. He was texting and calling me while out for the weekend with his new victim. I read “People of the Lie”, Scott Peck, back in the late ’80’s. He is one of those cruel people.
    I am in therapy and we are just tapping into the tip of the iceberg.
    I just wanted to belong and be loved. I hate him for what he has done to me. Trauma Bonding is like being chained to a dump truck wheel that keeps backing up over me.
    I want nothing more than relief from this pain and confusion and I want it yesterday.

    • Zari Ballard

      June 12, 2016 at 5:06 pm Reply

      Hi Cindy,

      Thank you for writing and I want nothing more than for you to feel relief from this pain and confusion too. And while we’re at it, let’s get past this cancer thing too. Once you survive that, the narcissist will look like the peon pebble on a beach that he is. I, too, read “People of the Lie” by Scott Peck many, many years ago and, in fact, recently found a copy at a used book store for 50 cents and bought it to read again. So funny that you should mention that. I read Peck’s book in the very beginning of my relationship, never thinking that my ex would ever be like that. How wrong I was.

      Look, I am going to go to my personal email right now and send you a PDF copy of all three of my books. Please read them because I believe they will help you look at all this bullshit just a tad differently. None of this was you – it was ALL him and he can’t be allowed to do this to you any more. You have far more important things to deal with.

      Look for the books, sister. I just sent them from my yahoo email to the email that you used to login to write your post. If you don’t see it, check your SPAM folder. If that doesn’t work, write me again here and I will send from gmail. I wish you nothing but the best and never hesitate to write me. I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Lcherie

    February 14, 2016 at 9:04 am Reply

    My experience with my ex psychopathic narc for 12 years sounds exactly the same just different story sceneries.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 19, 2016 at 8:03 pm Reply

      Yup, it appears that all of our lives (and partners) – aside from the locale – are quite interchangeable!

      Zari xo

  • Holly

    February 11, 2016 at 3:34 pm Reply

    Author wrote: “As for the N, he would later tell me that he’d been angry at me about something and that’s why he never came to get me or picked up his cell. He simply could have cared less about my situation and never once apologized for ignoring my calls of distress.”

    Should be:”As for the N, he would later tell me that he’d been angry at me about something and that’s why he never came to get me or picked up his cell. He simply COULD NOT have cared less about my situation and never once apologized for ignoring my calls of distress.”

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2016 at 3:39 pm Reply

      Are you my editor? I’ll keep it as is because a narcissist can ALWAYS care less. It works either way.

      Zari

  • Jerome

    November 14, 2015 at 11:12 pm Reply

    Hi,
    I want apologize in advance for the bad grammar and punctuation in advance. I must say out of everything my Ex female narc did to me the future faking would have to be the worst. I was skeptical about how aggressive she was in pursuing me and locking me down into relationship after going on only 3 dates. It just seemed odd and I kept my poker face up. she would tell me stories of how men would instantly want to marry her after only dating for a short time which also made question just what was going on. And like all the other men I eventually fell for her. This woman was so charming and could light up an entire room but as the relationship progressed I started to feel like a accessory for her almost like a new hand bag she could show off. All I had to do was play this perfect boyfriend role and she was happy. It wasn’t until I stepped out of this role and put up a few boundaries that she started to get upset and lash out. I asked her grandfather a few questions about her and where all this anger towards men was coming from. It was just an eruption of hate from no where. when we were still dating and he basically told me the horrible and chaotic childhood she was trying so hard to keep from me. He mentioned her mother isolating her from everyone and growing up in a chaotic house hold. It wasn’t until the next day when I guess the grandfather told her what he told me that received the most evil and destructive gas lighting and silent treatment anyone could ever imagine. I felt like I was going insane that whole day being with her and her family. Its crazy because her tactics of abuse can be subtle that most people won’t pick up on it but the one being abused can feel the effects 100%. I’ll never forget the look on her face once she came back in the house from talking to her grandfather. it was like I was dead to her. she felt no emotion toward me but hate. I shrugged it off just thinking it was nothing but at the point I was dead to her. I understand the relationship was destined to fail but the person who said they wanted to have my child,buy a home with,plan a life together could turn on you so quick. The next day I was discarded while we were driving back home. Everything she claimed to had liked about was turned around and became the very reason it wasn’t going to work. I played a perfect boyfriend for her so she couldn’t find much but a few petty things. I’m not sure how anyone has felt during the initial discarding but the only thing I could feel was shock and betrayal. I never saw it coming. Every healthy thing like communticating and learning how to compromise were the very things she said she wanted no part of. In her mind it was basically her way or the highway. The sick part about was I could tell she was somewhat getting off on seeing me in pain during the discard. I Iooked in her eyes and saw no one there almost as if the mask had finally been pulled off. Her energy was negative, hateful and cold. her movements were almost robotic. Im an empath and a codependent so some of my behavior didn’t help my situation but the closer I tried to get the more she pushed me away.

  • Bekka

    June 20, 2015 at 6:07 am Reply

    He never had my back. It hurts to look back and think about. I had a similar situation where my car broke down in a horrible part of town during rush hour (a broken down shitbox that he purchased me for Christmas, by the way) and when I called him for help he picked up the phone, told me that “he wasn’t a fucking mechanic, so he doesn’t know what he wants me to do,” and angrily hung up the phone on me. He then wouldn’t answer my phone calls. When I finally got home after calling my father and having a kind stranger on the street help me out, he was SLEEPING. Something he would always do to ignore me. When I got upset at him at it, he lashed out at me, screaming at me that he was tired, and somehow made me feel bad about it. I am so glad I never have to deal with that again.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 3, 2015 at 9:49 pm Reply

      Hi Bekka,

      Wow…In another reply, I just suggested that you read my book When Love Is a Lie and, if you do, you will see a story EXACTLY like the one you tell (leaving me broken down in a horrible part of town; refusing to come)! Amazing….

      Zari xo

  • Beth

    January 21, 2015 at 6:05 pm Reply

    I have been with my husband 20 years, married 18. I guess I always knew something wasn’t right – but you think when you meet someone who is so kind, loving and giving and you can tell he needs someone to just love him — you are blind to the stuff that seems off. And I will admit, I was completely blinded because his step mom told me what he was like and I told her she didn’t know him like I do, he just needs someone to love him. Until one day a light bulb comes on. It’s like those new bulbs that have to heat up before they really shine — like that. I would say about 8 years ago when I started to think “am I crazy or is he?”. As the years passed, I matured maybe? I don’t know but I realized that I cannot love him enough or do enough or praise enough or point out the blessings we have enough. Do they get worse as they get older or is it that the bulb finally has become so bright that it all is seen clearly now and it’s always been this way? I don’t know but one day recently, I was cleaning a closet and thinking how this new realization hit, I have been living a lie for the last 20 years. He really isn’t capable of giving or receiving love. It made me so sad I began to cry. Being a Christian, I believe in that moment, the Spirit of the Lord spoke to my heart letting me know I did not live a lie. There is a difference between living a lie and being lied to for 20 years. I loved every bit of those years, I cried and laughed and loved and cherished precious moments all the while being married to someone who was lying and he lived the lie, not me. That helps some but I still feel trapped in what seems to be a web of confusion. He will not acknowledge an important decision I need to make. When I bring it up, it’s as if my voice has fallen silent. I recently graduated from college, his response to my diploma, “wow, that’s quite an accomplishment” — I wish you could hear his voice and see the look on his face. Not the “I’m proud of you for that.” that I was hoping for, longing for and need from the person who is supposed to be your partner, your best cheerleader. (and these are the times that I think maybe I’m the one who has a problem, I’m complaining and acting like a child, I shouldn’t be so needy for that acknowledgement). Yet, when I painted a piece of furniture, I got a “that looks nice”. It’s the compliments that come in the small stuff and the small talk about weather and what someone else posted on Facebook but ignoring major issues and accomplishments that make me crazy. I realize this is part of his game but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. It is a vicious, and I do mean vicious circle of “is it him or is it me?”. I long for something I know I will never get and then feel guilty that I want out. It is sad that a person cannot feel love or love others. It is the on guard sense when things seem to be going well and he is nice — as in your other post/article — I know there is something coming and I hate being on guard for what is about to hit. It’s like a trap he lays for me to be comfortable enough to relax and say or do that wrong thing that I don’t intend to be hurtful, vengeful or hateful but it will be perceived as such and I’ll be shut down again. I could go on, there are so many things that seem little but put together, are hurtful and seem so intentional. Like knowing I am exercising and eating healthy and bringing candy home every day then saying “well, fine, I won’t be nice and bring you treats anymore” or taking hangers out of the closet and putting them on the floor and when I said “why did you put those on the floor?” he said “well, sorry, I was trying to be helpful, I won’t try anymore.” Putting them on the floor is more helpful than putting them all together on the rod?! or not speaking to me for two days and not being quite sure what I did or said, but making it clear that I am not worthy of being spoken to and so on and so on. (I know you say that when things “seem wrong” trust that and I do but always wonder if I’m reading more into it then BAM! and I realize I’ve been duped again) — I realize this is a form of abuse and clearly understand when I’ve read that it hurts more than physical abuse, I have never been physically abused, but this is painful in so many ways. I want out and yet feel that others will judge me. He is such a nice guy outside the walls of our home — and others see him as such. I would be the horrible wife who up and left this wonderful man. So again, I think (as he told me for years when I would confront issues or say I sensed something was wrong) I am the crazy one and don’t deserve such a nice man. Ugh! And the circle goes on . . .

    • Zari Ballard

      February 2, 2015 at 9:37 am Reply

      Hi Beth,

      Please forgive me for being so late in responding to you, girlfriend! Thank you for sharing your story and it truly broke my heart. Look, you MUST know from this minute forward that YOU are NOT the problem. The abuse of a narcissist is so passive-aggressive and subtle sometimes that we begin to wonder if we even have it right…that maybe we’re making mountains out of molehills…or maybe we’re taking things too personal or being too sensitive…or maybe we ARE too needy…or maybe that’s just the way he is and at least he doesn’t beat me…or blah blah blah. A lot of bargaining happens on our part in order for us to stay and the narcissist counts on this. Trust me, NOTHING a narcissist does is random – nothing. Your life is being totally manipulated and your expectations have been managed down to nothing so that you expect less and less and he gets away with more.

      Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. It’s cheap and easy to read and it will confirm and validate everything that you’ve been thinking and suspecting. I know it’s hard to wrap our heads around the very deceptive nature of this person that we love or to even think that someone could drag something out for so long at the expense of someone else’s happiness…and for what? But this is what narcissists do…over and over and over. For 13-years, I dealt with everything you described and more. He would do things “for me” under the guise of helping me when I didn’t ask for it or even need it or when there were things that I had actually asked him to do that were important. Then, when I would be rightly frustrated, he would call me ungrateful or a bitch or say “See? And you wonder why I don’t help you with things!” And that’s really nothing….there’s so much. And I’m all too familiar with feeling on edge all of the time, knowing the axe was going to fall…or then those times where, for whatever reason, I’d finally relax thinking well, maybe this time and BAM out-of-the-blue he’d pull a fast one. Blindsiding a victim is great fun for a narcissist because, you see, our suffering is his reward for a job well done. I understand…I really do…and my book goes into all of this in detail. I guarantee you will see yourself on every page. My book will also empower you to make a decision (as it has for many others) because you will look at your situation, for the first time, objectively. I love the way you turned the phrase “living the lie” into something that was his problem, not yours, because I feel that way as well. But they don’t see it that way and nor do they care to. Narcissists can never ever be changed – not with therapy, all the love in the world, and not with any magic pill. Again, YOU are not the problem and in order for you to ever have a chance at any type of normalcy, you must separate yourself from the nonsense. There’s nothing worse than walking around day in and day out with your feelings hurt…with that sad feeling in the pit of your stomach. You deserve better, my friend:)

      Please read the book if you can and please write again (or anytime for that matter) and let me know how you are doing. I am so sorry for the delay…it’s just been a crazy time for all. I’ll be thinking of you and please know that you are not alone in this fight anymore…:)

      Stay Strong!

      Zari xo

    • Karen Dwyer

      September 11, 2015 at 6:28 am Reply

      Does it really matter if other people “think” you’re horrible? Honey, you are not your fear of other people’s thoughts. What if people think you’re lovely and articulate and creative and compassionate and thoughtful and sensitive and reflective? Would you think that you have to change to fit those good thoughts? Not at all: you have portrayed all these qualities. Plus perseverance! Now go take your wonderful self with your wonderful qualities out of this awful relationship and live a life where coat hangers are not used to control you 🙂

  • maria

    October 4, 2014 at 12:46 am Reply

    My mother was incurably ill for years and passed away 2 years ago. My N knew about the serious situation from the beginning. While my mother was still alive and we were every second week in and out from all the hospitals of the city, he never, not even once, asked me how she is doing or how am I dealing with the situation . One month before she died I broke up with him, not only because he wasn’t supporting me at all, but because with his behavior he was making every day of my life even worse, so my survival instinct forced me to cut off from him. When my mother died he pretended to be very sorry for my loss and wouldn’t stop calling and texting me. I recall 3 things for which I will never forgive myself;
    1) the day after the funeral I sat in a lonely coffee shop at the beach and I text him that he could come for a talk if he wanted. He came, he sat down, he ordered a coffee….then he started ACCUSING ME (in very loud voice) for my bad behavior for all that time, and as he felt very frustrated and insulted by that fact, he got up (I was crying ) in the cafeteria in front of all the peoples eyes and he left!!!!!!
    2) After that I went by his house (yes, I did!!!). He made me have dirty sex with him (I will never ever ever ever ever forgive myself for that day……….)
    3) 9 days after my mom’s death and after the memorial at the church, I went home and called him because I was mourning so much and I was hoping that he would be compassionate at some point…What he said on the phone was “oh, come ooon…..get over iiiittt!!!! I am going to play football with my brother, I’ll see you later”…..yes, that’s what he said. To finish the story, that day, he text me…..at 23:00. The message said that he was on the way to my house and he stopped at the ATM for money, but the machine hold his card, so he doesn’t have any money and he goes back home(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
    Are you speechless?… 2 of my friends don’t speak to me anymore because of me accepting all of that. They probably lost their respect for me….can I blame them?…
    I really don’t know how and why did I stay 2 more years (4 years totally)with that mentally ill disordered freak. I honestly don’t know if anyone has felt any worse than that…. I wish I could erase all of that from my mind, but I can’t. At least I know the truth about his twisted mind anymore so I took my lesson and I move on.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 10, 2014 at 5:08 am Reply

      Hello Maria,

      Thank you for sharing and I’m not speechless because I did it all too – and I, too, am regretful. Narcissists suck and no, they care about nothing and no one. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom and I cried as I read your post. It is impossible for a narcissist to fake emotions like sympathy and empathy for longer than five minutes. I am so sorry that happened to you – it breaks my heart.

      When my son was diagnosed with with child onset schizophrenia at the age of ten, he was hospitalized several times. During this whole nightmare where I, as a mom, thought my whole world was ending, the narcissist was around and making my life hell. Everyday was business as usual. During one hospitalization where my son was asking for him and I kept making up excuses why he hadn’t of come to visit, I begged the narcissist to come with me at least to pick him up on the day he was being released. I thought we could all go to breakfast and then go home and hang out together. The narcissist said “sure” and on that day, I drove down to his house to pick him up. As soon as he opened the door, I knew he wouldn’t come with me but I just said nothing and waited for him to get ready, hoping the mood would change. I was so sad for my son and so worried about our life and what the future held that it was all I could do to keep from being inconsolable 24/7 and I didn’t even have the energy anymore to fight with the narcissist. I basically just accepted his neglect. So while I’m waiting for him, I decide to call the hospital and let them know I was coming. Well, from the bathroom, he heard me pick up my cell phone and start pushing the buttons and he thought I had picked up HIS phone and was going through it. He came flying out of the bedroom screaming at me to stay away from his phone, grabbing me in a headlock and wrestling me to the ground trying to get MY phone out of my hand. We rolled around on the floor, me crying and begging him to let go, that I wasn’t IN his phone, him practically choking me. When he finally let me up and saw that it HAD been my phone and not his, instead of apologizing, he continued to act as if the whole thing was my fault and he told me to get the fuck out. I asked about my son, pleaded with him (STILL!) to come and he slammed the door in my face. He could have cared less. I was a mess…he had ripped my shirt, my hair was a mess, I had snot all over my face from sobbing…and that’s how I went to pick up my son that morning after him being in a child psychiatric ward for seven days. I finally called the hospital after he pushed me out the door and I remember that I could barely speak to the nurse, my voice was so choked up. I did take my little boy to breakfast and I remember my body hurt so bad from being thrown around, I could hardly pick up the fork. And I also remember that, for the first time in forever, my son didn’t even ask for Wayne and I was grateful for that because I would have had to lie yet again. That happened about 15 years ago and I remember that morning like it was yesterday. So, yes, I completely feel your pain…I truly do. And, yup, I stayed for years after that as well. These guys are monsters.

      Maria, it’s not out of line for us to expect that the person that we love, that we thought at least at one time had been our friend, that we had been in or still are in a relationship with to be there for us in times of trouble. It’s not your fault….and especially when your heart was breaking over the loss of your mom, I hate him so much for how he made you feel. I am so so sorry. If I could come over and give you a big hug right now, I would, dear sister.

      Let your heart not be troubled. From that animal, at least you are free.

      Love,
      Zari xxoo

    • Sandy

      February 16, 2015 at 2:17 pm Reply

      Maria,

      Reading your post made me so sad and brought up memories of my ex husband N and the day of my beloved father’s funeral. We had been trying to reconcile prior to this. He became upset because a male friend of mine that I had known for 30+ years since jr high school, came to the wake and sat down with mutual friends. He was extremely jealous of him even though he kept his office manager employed after they had had an affair. Somehow he didn’t seem to think that should bother me.

      After the wake we had gone to my aunts house. He became drunk ( is an alcoholic) and was badgering my aunt on what he could do to get back with me. My poor aunt lost her brother and her husband only months before. After this he and I went back to my house. I had to drive and my brothers were concerned about his drinking and behavior. When we got back I was exhausted and heartbroken just wanting some comfort, afterall I just said goodbye to my father, a father that I loved and cherished. He began to argue with me about how upset and HURT he was and that HIS feelings were bruised because my friend showed up and sat with mutual friends! He was so drunk he tried to leave and when I tried to get the car keys he turned from me and I ended up over a chair and onto a hard tile floor. He left me crying on the floor and walked out and drove to his mothers.

      They are cold hearted people and it took me a lot of time and mistakes to realize that they will not and cannot be there for you. They simply don’t care . They will gut you like a fish when you truly need them, as they have no compassion, and really like to see you twist and turn.

      Take comfort in those people that really care, cherish and love you. They are real. Spend your time and energy with them and surround yourself with their positive energy and love. All the things you won’t find with an N. You deserve it, we all do..

    • Selby Harper

      September 11, 2015 at 6:11 am Reply

      Sometimes when we have the rug pulled out from under us, are grieving, or are in crisis we do self destructive things because we are numb with shock. We are desperately trying to break out of that numb nothingness by applying stimulus. Or sometimes we hope that someone or something will rescue us and we act like hostages in a siege. Compromise or acquiescence is a survival strategy.
      Truly loving friends would not cut you off. Imagine yourself as a fruit tree. You’be had a horrible infestation of parasites; there’s been some damage. But now diseased branches have been cut off. You are just starting to blossom. And you WILL bear good fruit in due season. 🙂

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