Narcissists are experts when it comes to playing The Cell Phone Game. A narcissist uses the cell phone as a tool, a prop…a weapon, in fact…to conduct his evil and bring sadness and especially anxiety upon his victims. My ex was a master at The Cell Phone Game and I repeatedly called him on it, prompting him to play the game even harder and with more sinister intent. It took me a while but as the years passed and I caught on to the Game, I was able to predict his next move simply by watching how he interacted with his cell phone.
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During one three year stretch, my ex changed his cell number no less than fifteen times. His MO was to simply vanish while simultaneously letting his cell run out of minutes. The fact that suddenly (and for no apparent reason) I was simply cut off from all contact – sometimes for months – literally crushed my soul to the very core. Later, although he vehemently denied the connection, I became convinced that the number of times he cheated was directly related to the number of times he changed cell numbers. And although I never could prove this theory, I’m still convinced of it. In a weird sort of way, it was triangulation by cell phone. Sometimes he’d resurface with a newly reactivated old number (from years before) and sometimes even the old phone to go with it. I assume this twisted pathological strategy was to ensure a vaguely recognizable number when he hoovered but all I could envision was a big bag of disposable bat-phones that he simply reached into whenever he needed to cut me off or come back, depending on which bed he was headed to!
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Do not ever be fooled…..The Cell Phone Game is always a key component in a narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda. A clever narcissist learns that he can use his cell phone as a tool for juggling multiple relationships and for keeping one relationship from ever really finding out about the other. Having a cell phone and knowing how to “use” it to his advantage allows a motivated narcissist to move seamlessly through life without the stress of multiple worlds colliding. He also understands that in a second it could backfire on him. My ex learned this lesson the hard way, giving me the one and only time that I was ever able to bust him red-handed.
After a two week silence, he had magically reappeared with a new number and ridiculous story in tow and I, of course, took him right to bed for some great make-up sex. Later, when his cell rang, instead of mysteriously ignoring it (like usual), he rolled over in bed and simply answered it, letting his guard down and completely forgetting the rules of the Game. Within seconds, he was getting an angry earful from the daughter of the girl he had obviously just cheated on me with. She was screaming at him on her mother’s behalf, demanding to know the reason he’d slipped out without a word just hours earlier…just up and left…apparently while her mom’s back was turned. Naked and lying right next to him, I could hear every word she said loud and clear and I flipped. It was a classic moment that marked the beginning of a very long summer where I did nothing but obsess the affair. For my ex, he became a cell phone Ninja, never again making such a careless mistake. From then on, it was war.
You see, a narcissistic partner succeeds at The Cell Phone Game by mastering all the various strategies by which he can play it and also by streamlining our codependency so that he gets away with it. But he can’t be careless or too cocky. Lucky for the N, victims, as a rule, are fairly easy to manipulate most of the time and, therefore, he can usually rely on the absurdity of his own words and actions to go unpunished. There were times when, for various stupid reasons, my ex would pretend to have no phone at all. In retrospect, I know that this was a narcissistic tactic and a lie and in fact he probably had multiple phones sitting at home (or in the trunk of his car) ringing off the hook. Truthfully, the multiple phone theory never even occurred to me until I accidentally overheard the narcissist quietly snicker while listening to a talk radio discussion about that very thing. I felt instantly sick but suddenly the absence of a phone or the fact that the phone he did have when with me never ever rang made perfect but horrible sense. When he pretended to have no phone, I could never decide which was worse – us having no means of contact at all or him using the only means of contact we did have as an evil weapon.
A narcissist is also very good at acting as if he isn’t particularly attached to his phone to distract you from the fact that he’s obsessed with it. For example, my ex would sometimes punish me for calling him out on The Cell Phone Game by smashing his phone to bits (whereby implementing “no communication”) as if replacing it over and over was simply no big deal. And he loved to say, “I don’t even know why I have a cell phone. You’re the only one that calls me.” Thanks and yeah, right…
Narcissists also like to “lose” their cell phones just long enough to do whatever it is they need to do behind you back…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my phone. Sometimes they’ll choose to keep the phone but “lose” the charger, conveniently rendering the phone “dead” just long enough to do whatever it is their doing…Did you try to call me? Sorry, I couldn’t find my charger. And it doesn’t stop there because The Cell Phone Game always has another card to play….Did you call me? I don’t know why but the battery’s going out…Did you try to call me? Sorry, my minutes ran out.
Sound familiar? It’s nothing but narcissistic word garbage – all of it – and it’s intended to confuse, abuse, and manipulate you.
I imagine that before the cell phone, the Narcissist and his cousins Sociopath and Psychopath had a much harder life. They may have actually had to face their victims and admit the truth. The Cell Phone Game allows a narcissist to hide behind a nasty text or no text at all. He can subject a victim to silent treatments in the blink of an eye and the flip of a switch. He will Idolize, Devalue, and Discard you using nothing but text messages. And he’ll do it all from the comfort of his own home.
Keep in mind that the N is as simple as he is complicated and nothing about him or his evil agenda is rocket science. Once you figure out his strategies and see them for exactly what they are…ridiculous, ludicrous bullshit that no one deserves to be subjected to, you will start to wonder why you ever let it get that far. You will begin to let go of the narcissist in your life. You will be able to go No Contact and regain your sanity.
And you will begin to take your power back.
Stay strong, my friends!!
jensen
April 18, 2016 at 12:16 pmThat’s where I’m at now. A month ago he told me he broke his phone. Email only way to reach him. After two years I’m sorry I’m not an email. We still own a motorcycle together I haven’t seen in months. I found out he changed his number. But he will still a week ago tell me he hasn’t gotten a new phone. I just went full blown no contact a week ago. Don’t know bother him or not. We had some open personal issues left to take care of but right now done. NC. Him and his new gf well an old gf he went back to can screw off right now as they enjoy my bike!!
J
April 8, 2016 at 11:14 amHi there, I’m going through something terrible and was wondering if anyone could talk to me one on one? Please. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Zari Ballard
April 8, 2016 at 5:13 pmHi J,
I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. I do provide phone consultations and here’s the page link for more information. For situations like these, speaking one-on-one can have miraculous results when both parties have been there, done that. I’d be happy to help, my friend.
Zari xo
daisy
March 4, 2016 at 1:55 amThese people are truly evil. My heart is so shattered this week. Have suffered 7 years on and off with a Narcisisst and he is a nasty piece of work to say the least. I have broken one of my shackles with him about a week ago. Finally and feel like a wreck. Don’t really have any one to turn to apart from my elderly parents who are appalled and shocked by what I have been putting up with and how the sneaky evil bastard somehow got my 17yr old daughter’s cell phone number probably from going through my phone and has badmouthed me to her and I believe is after her. Couldn’t believe my eyes when she showed me the message he was swearing about me to her too. This is a man I have confided in about the problems I have had with my daughter too. He’s hurt me before with his cheating and bad treatment of me but this just came straight out of leftfield. He is truly evil. Gotta get out save my sanity.
Zari Ballard
March 24, 2016 at 11:18 pmHi Daisy,
I’m so sorry that you are hurting and that it has taken me so long to respond. Do me a favor and if you still need my help or advice, send me an update. Much could have happened since you wrote your post. If you do this, your newest post will get bumped up to the top and the updated information will help me better help you!
Zari xo
daisy
April 24, 2016 at 9:26 pmThank you for your reply I have only just logged on and read it today 25/4. Could’ve heard a pin drop in terms of him for at least 3 weeks after writing this. I was suffering through and started to feel panic, isolation etc all anxiety related due to this relationship. Then he sent the message in a bottle text which I ignored and within 24hrs he was on my doorstep wanting to be let in. I questioned him about the text to my daughter and he said it was because I would’nt talk to him and she has some photo’s of his dog he wanted. Denied any interest in her…apart from these things. However since I’ve caved in again with him its just gone back to no contact from him after I see him for a week or two. Feeling terrible again this weekend as he’d disappeared for two weeks and he woke me at 3am Saturday morning knocking on my window & door saying he’s just got out of hospital after a heart attack and two heart surgeries. Think this is true but also to make me feel sorry for him again and let him into the house and now he’s buggered off again and so it goes – the horrible cycle with this man
Linda j ormond
February 6, 2016 at 9:52 amEvery single word I have read is true , I was married for 30’yrs to one and even now he still plays the game phoning, not phoning disappearing excuses about phone or. I was ill,away,busy etc , after a complete breakdown I left but he still plays the game , I know I need to be strong but I am so lonely and he knows it I could write a book on this, my advice is GET OUT NOW , honestly he will NEVER change , I am a broken soul , no one wants to hear anything because I am so stupid to still talk to him , even after years of abuse both mental and physical, he still controls me I was 19 when we met and I am now 59 . So please believe me he will ruin your life be strong be sure it’s him and NOT you , he is the one with the huge problem, I was accused of having multiple affairs and all sorts , please do this for you and your sanity and wellbeing , thinking of you all x
Zari Ballard
February 9, 2016 at 9:43 amGreat advice, Linda! Thank you for writing and sharing…I appreciate you:)
Zari xo
Liz
January 6, 2016 at 4:27 amSo true about not being able to contact their cell for hours and being told it was flat or left somewhere. My ex narc got caught out when he unknowingly called me. I listened to the air for an hour before he hung up to use the phone. In that time I heard him drive to a brothel and pay for anal sex. He was working in another city at the time. He then sent me a text. I didn’t fully understand what I had heard at the time but knew sex was involved by the sqeaking bed sound. When I confronted him some days later when he came home for the weekend he yelled and screamed at me accusing me of imagining things. Later I found out from a disgruntled employee that he was a rabid whore monger the whole time he lived and worked in this other city for 3 years as well as picking up females in bars. My brother then told me my ex had been visiting brothels some 16 years earlier. We were together 22 years. I threatened to sell the house and split from him so he came back home to live. Trying to get any truth, let alone apology was a waste of time. He still denies it. I suspect he also has a child by another woman. He also constantly borrowed against our home for his failing business. Me and the kids struggled financially all the time. Finally he’s out of my life 10 months later. I lost so much just trying to get him out of my house…..my job, drivers license, almost killed myself. He still says I am crazy and need help.Used our eldest daughter aged 19 as a flying monkey. I had to ask her to leave and live with him because of her constantly attacking and blaming me for the breakup. At least now our home is calm. I worry whether I can ever love and trust again but at least I’m free.
Zari Ballard
January 7, 2016 at 1:17 amLiz wrote…I worry whether I can ever love and trust again but at least I’m free.
Hi Liz,
Thank you for sharing your story and there’s nothing but truth spoken in that one sentence above. You ARE free, girl, and that is everything right now. We have to get free to even begin the healing process. It all takes time.
I’m sorry about your daughter. Narcs have a way of creating flying monkeys out friend, family, and especially children to do their bidding in their absence. My advice there is, starting NOW, to absolutely refuse to engage anymore in any conversation that has anything to do with him. This is hard to do at first because the natural tendency is to want to defend ourselves but, believe me, when it comes down to this, there will be amazing power in your silence. By CALMLY refusing to talk about him, even to defend yourself, you will re-train all flying monkeys to see YOU in a different light. You see, because while you’re being calm, refusing to fight or defend yourself or even waste your time talking about it, he’s going to continue on being the asshole that he is, talking all kinds of shit. Let him! It takes a while but you’ll see it happening….people (and especially your daughter) will take notice and his rantings will be worth less and less. She’ll start to FEEL like a USED flying monkey and she won’t like it.
Remember…we can’t control the narcissist’s behavior but we certainly can control our reaction to it. He WANTS to rile you up and if he can’t, he wants your daughter to. No more. You don’t even have to explain anything. Just stop talking about it. Today. Watch what happens.
Let me know how things work out. Like you said, we don’t know what the future brings but the fact is that YOU’RE FREE and at least the reality you create will be your own. Your story is inspirational all on its own!
Zari xo
Linda j ormond
February 6, 2016 at 9:55 amThese words you need help etc turning your daughter this is exactly my story I too tried to take my life I wish you many peaceful,years, stay strong xx
Nikki Kelley
December 15, 2015 at 9:11 amWhen u refer to leaving, is that a physical or mental act? Mine convinced me to marry him, turned my world upside down. I can’t describe the range of emotions I feel. I’m constantly nauseated by this man, though we are currently separated, I’m feeling extremely isolated. My family has turned their backs on me. It’s the holidays, my son going out of town, i find the heartache unbearable, though I knew there was something not quite right. One night became a different man. Crocodile tears on and on, he managed to take down a lovely intelligent woman. I’m floored how the verbal abuse, belittling, betrayal, everything just about killed me. I think his whole family is very sick, I really don’t get it. I’m not stupid, this piece of crap that never deserved me in the first place somehow managed to make me feel like a piece of shit in the sewer. So angry, hurt and distraught. Help, if u can. I can’t do the just live your life scenario it’s not in me. Sad :/
sick of feeling stuck
July 22, 2015 at 4:06 pmHi, have thought about posting a comment for a while now. Have found your website very helpful and found it by chance about a year ago. I’ve been involved with this type of man off and on since about 2008 to present day. He fits your descriptions very well and it is true that other people who have not experienced these sorts of abusive behaviours are not very sympathetic at times. I have a teenage daughter who has actually uncovered some of his cheating and sleazy behaviour by looking at one of his cell phones and computer history when he was asleep, and out of the room when she was with me at his house a couple of times in the last year. However confronting him about it doesn’t seem to work and he will just deny and carry on. Right now have just been feeling physically ill from more things I’ve learnt about him lately and suffering a silence from him probably because I left his house and wouldn’t stay at 4am after viewing his computer history and all the clues left by other women having been there before me like hairbrushes etc