When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Gisselle
June 24, 2016 at 1:54 amMy ex an i broke up 4 months ago he broke up with me in our 18 month aniversary 2 days later he was with someome else and he is still with her we went 2 months without speaking untill he contact me telling me he missed me and still loved me but yet he still with the same girl and honeslty it bugs me to see that his happy and i’m still recovering from the pain its so hard to see him treat her the same way he treated me i just dont understand 🙁
Zari Ballard
June 24, 2016 at 4:55 pmHi Gisselle,
He called you after two months because he wanted to make sure you never move on from the pain – and that’s the only reason. This guy is OBVIOUSLY a NO-GOOD CHEATING NARCISSIST. When you say “its so hard to see him treat her the same way he treated me”, what are you referring to? I hope you mean that you feel sorry that he cheats on her like he cheated on you because that’s the only thing that would make sense. BLOCK HIM so that he can’t keep popping in whenever he feels like cheating on his new girlfriend. For him, this game never gets old so if you don’t get away, you’ll be putting in another 18 months of this nonsense.
Zari:)
Gisselle
June 24, 2016 at 9:39 pmThanks for the advice it sucks that i’m still hurt and trying to heal and his “happy ” its seems like his getting away with everything ????
Regina
June 22, 2016 at 7:32 pmI was in a five year abusive roller coaster of a relationship. I had no idea what the word narcissist was never heard it before. Then I was describing the yoyo abuse my boyfriend on again off again fiancée was doing to me to my coworker and he said “he sounds like a narcissist”. I then slowly began to research this term but unfortunately too slowly because another year of horrific verbal, physical and emotional abuse went by and then when my this time on again fiancée found a better qualified source of supply I was discarded. The hurt and pain has been unbearable. I loved him more than my own life. I begged him not to hurt me again when I saw him “hunting” again and just two short weeks after I recognized what he was doing. I found out on social media he was in a relationship with someone else and he was waiting for the perfect time to deliver that devastating blow to me. I saw the evil smirk on his face as he enjoyed seeing my pain when I found out. His reasoning was as he said “In his mind he wasn’t cheating because in his mind he and I weren’t together” After five years and he decides “in his mind” we weren’t together. I am finally accepting reality. He never really loved me. I was body parts and a punching bag until he found someone better. I pray that writing this will help someone else get out of a relationship with a narcissist. Don’t let anymore time pass and anymore hurt happen just end it now. No contact is the only answer.
kh
August 24, 2016 at 5:38 pmYour story is SO much like mine, minus any physical abuse and we were never engaged. I had been dating this man on/off for almost five years and while I knew he had been on/off dating sites (i confronted him, he lied then deactivated his account), I never thought he was with anyone serious. We lived about 1.5 hours apart and both work in the aviation industry so we saw each other when we could. Both very independent people. But…i loved him madly and was faithful. He was very private with his life (another clue) but just figured he was doing his thing…he loved to hunt, fish, race cars, etc…Long story short, i discovered randomly on fb that he got married. Saw her profile picture was their wedding picture. I was blown away especially given we had spoken two days prior to their wedding. I acted like i didnt know as he was still contacting me to get together. Of course, he didnt show up so i fb msged the “wife” and told her we had both been dating him for years and he was also on dating sites. I then confronted him. He ignored me and she blocked me. Keep in mind we are in our forties. Thus man played us both but she chose to stay with him. Also, she is very unattractive. I just don’t get it. He played with my heart for years and never even apologized. How am i the bad person when he is the one who caused all of this damage to both of us?
Andrew Benjamin
June 21, 2016 at 10:57 amWHY THE BOOK WAS WRITTEN:
Once Again…Here we go again…
,,,this time with…
“The Narcissist”!
[Excerpt by Andrew Benjamin]:
I BELIEVED HER!
That message (Love Bombing) made me feel totally appreciated by a woman. I said to myself, For the first time, I’m appreciated! So I decided to put aside my insecurities and give the relationship a sincere chance – only to be screwed!
These are the situations in which resentments are born. Resentments are destructive. We think, “So what. I have a right to be angry,” or, “I might be nursing a grudge or two, but I don’t see the harm.” If she doesn’t know I’m still pissed, then I’m fine with it. But resentments – especially, when someone’s emotions have been toyed with like mine were – cause retaliation, vengeance and wrath. Payback is due! This one is not going to go unanswered. My emotions were raped and violated! You don’t screw me over and expect to get away scott-free! Hell no!
To quote Bugs Bunny: “Of course you realize, this means war!”
keisha
June 16, 2016 at 5:52 amPlease help me….I don’t want to loose my mind I don’t know what I’ve encountered.
My story starts in 2011 when I thought I met the love of my life in 2012 my ex husband was in the military and we got stationed in another country I was pregnant in 2012 not to mention it was planned he tried to get me pregnant. We had issues before but they just got worse after I found out I was pregnant. I would find out he always was sneaking and looking at porn ,making fake email accounts and dating profiles and etc… He started making me feel unwanted and even when I confronted him with those things he continued to do them different sneaky ways which I still found and it hurt worse because I started feeling like he was intentionally doing them….then he made a profile through his friend with a picture of my ex…he always lied consistently… I think he was cheating but he still doesn’t own up to it. Its like he would torture me by making ms feel rejected and less than.we went over a couples house and we got into it all I wanted him to do was comfort me and apologize but instead he held their cat and rubbed on it…he does the same with our baby he will kiss her and tell her goodnight and walk off like I’m not standing there….after all he has done to me its likes he wants me to feel like nothing to him….its nothing I wouldn’t do for this man and he treats me like the last person on earth that he wants to see.. He never calls ever not even to check on our baby…until visitation then all of a sudden he loves her… He blocked me on Fb and IG for no reason which makes me thinks there’s someone or something he’s hiding…he acts as if he has no remorse and gets upset when I talk about how he hurt me And says that’s the past and this is now…well its present and I’m still hurt and him acting like he doesn’t even care makes it worse makes me rethink the whole relationship…. Its like he hates me because I loved him. He met other women in the other country that I end up seeing on his IG and he was flirting and she said they even met up….I feel like I went all the way to another country just so he could reject me…my baby was 3.5lbs and she was born in February and that April he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore and it was like I kept blowing it out my head and also he said he was giving me hints all week..????????????????i would give him the shirt off of my back and I don’t know if he was mad because I didn’t let him walk over me or what but every he got caught doing something its like he would get mad at me forward finding out and would leave to go to the barracks where the single soldiers lived while I was home preggo then he would send me messages saying he loved me and the baby when me and her went back to the states while he was still in Germany. But meanwhile met a girl who told me how sweet he was to her….why me?why does he treat me so bad? I cooked cleaned and etc…. He acts like a sex addict also. We had an argument about something I didn’t want to watch because a womN kept showing her boobs and me knowing how he thinks made me uncomfortable ..I had a appointment shortly after that and when I came off he had masturabated…. What would make a person want to do that after we just argued about that….I felt like he was trying to purposely hurt me…I split our marriage certificate in half and he looked and continued playing the game….words can’t explain wat he’s done to me…. We have a kid and I tend to think about if another woman comes along would he treat her better and that makes it hard for me to move on because I know I derserve for him to treat me better I put so much into it and seems like he wants me to be jealous or something… He doesn’t call…sometimes I will be OK other times I’ll be sad…..knowing that other women are getting calls and I’m getting made out as a fool..even his dad treats ME poorly now…I don’t even think he ever liked me.. Why get married? I’m so confused…he tells me i shouldn’t worry about if he’s talking to someone BC we aren’t to get her ….wow after all he has done to cause this and to say that…then he says he knows what he did to ruin in but he couldn’t handle my reactions…do I guess I was supposed to be OK?
squirrel
June 15, 2016 at 11:30 amI was put through the ringer by a narcissist years back and it still haunts me. He blocked me when I started to see through his antics. He would then send me emails out of the blue : “Hello; just sending a fond greeting as it’s been a few years…”, etc. I was finally able to figure out how to block him from emailing me. Another year has passed and he sends me a message on facebook….through a fake account he created with another fellow’s photo. He still has me blocked from his original account, mind you. I was creeped out. He said “more than a years has passed. Hope you and family are well. I hope we can forget about that past drama.” I blocked that account, but still feeling quite creeped out. When I was hurting and wounded by him, I would wonder if he would ever contact me again. I would wonder, does a creep like him ever learn? Did he get away with it? And why is he trying to contact me??? He nearly ruined my life. I still have nightmares:/ He literally makes me ill. Thought I would run this by you.
Amber
June 14, 2016 at 8:17 amThis post has really transformed my way of thinking and has gotten me through a rather rough few weeks with my soon to be ex-husband. I have been married coming up on 8 years and together for roughly 15 years on and off. My husband and I were basically high school sweet hearts. He is 3 years older than me. I always knew in my heart something was wrong with him.. his behavior and the way he thought about others and himself was always very different than my way of thinking. I am the kind of person where I truly believed that I was his savior in a way.. that I could help him and even possibly fix him. Our relationship throughout the years has always been a roller coaster and I was always left questioning whether or not I had the issues or if it was him. I thankfully had ALOT of support from my family and when something would happen between us I’d quickly run to my family for help and they’d help me realize that it wasn’t me…. It takes a lot to push me over the edge but I throughout the years learned to cope and I still kept trying.. and trying… and trying. I’ve read about Sociopath’s and Narcassists but never really seen him as a Narcassist up until the last 3 years or more. The illness he had was staring me right in the face everyday and I just overlooked it. We have a 3 year old son together so I tried my best to keep it together for him but I finally realized that it’s not my goal in life to “fix” him because he can never be fixed. He was extremely emotionally abusive and verbally abusive towards me. He would throw things across the room and break things that meant something to me. If I questioned what he did (like disappear for 3 days) he’d blame me for why he left and it was somehow my fault how he was acting. I can honestly say that the last few years was just pure hell with him. The constant confusion, the smoke and mirrors effect, the lying… the manipulation.. everything. He is a full-blown narcissist and it took a lot of research the last year or so to finally come to terms with what he is. I was always left wondering if it was me.. am I crazy? What did I do to him to deserve such treatment? In all reality, it wasn’t me.. or my son.. it was Him. It was him all along and always has been. He will never seek help. He unfortunately does not have a bond whatsoever with our son. My son is an object and used to get what he wants with me, or uses him as a pawn, or even uses him to make the appearance that he is a “normal” person. It’s taken a lot out of me but I finally filed for divorce about 3 weeks ago. He’s told me he’s going to contest it and will make the divorce hard on me. He’s since moved out, moved to another state and is supossibly living in an apartment which I don’t believe. He took a lot of valuable items from our home and including both of our televisions. Nothing he says is true.. I just learned to not believe or even listen to him. I luckily turned my focus onto my son the last 3 years and basically just emotionally detached from my soon to be ex husband. I made it to where anything he did to me wouldn’t hurt me. The disappearing, the emotional abuse, the verbal abuse, the constant put-downs, the financial situations he would get us in.. everything. I am VERY lucky I started this process early. I already knew years ago that this was how it was going to end up, there was no possibly scenario that I could stay married to such a person. I’ve heard stories that he’s cheated on me before (doesn’t hurt me) or currently I heard he moved in with someone else (don’t care) I am just extremely thankful I have my son whom I adore, myself and my family. What he does or trys to do to me has no effect on me. I really think he sensed this and he started the Detachment stage himself. His new victim will soon be in the same boat I am and won’t even know what hit her. I don’t wish that on anyone but in reality that’s how it will be. I did at first find myself thinking if he really did care for this other person and if he truly was a narcissist BUT I know in my heart and the YEARS I’ve spent with him that he is. It’s sad… it’s hard to swallow some days but it’s true. I hurt more for my son than I do for myself. My son loves his father… and it’s heartbreaking to know that his father doesn’t truly love him back. He does not have the ability to care or empathy for my son or for me. He will still text or call me and my son but I keep it very short and I keep it on MY terms. I feel more empowered because I know his game, I know what he is and I know how to handle it. Researching the illness and reading stories and just getting educated is what has helped me cope. I don’t miss him… I don’t want him around.. I don’t wait for a text asking for me back.. I don’t wait for anything and don’t expect anything of him. He’s purely a person with an illness and that’s how I see him. I do pitty him and some days feel sorry for him but there is no helping someone like that. It’s best to cut all ties and move on. I am excited for MY future and what life has to offer 🙂
Andrew Benjamin
June 8, 2016 at 8:13 amUnfortunately I have lost everything due to dealing with a Narcissist — therefore, I cannot pay you.
However, I’ve written a book (3rd book) discussing my experience and I’m wondering if my “Red Flag” system will help those.
Would you mind reading the “MANUSCRIPT” if I sent it to you?
Zari Ballard
June 21, 2016 at 1:36 amHi Andrew,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I’d love to read your manuscript but I simply don’t have the time to give it the attention that I’m sure it deserves. I can barely get to my own manuscripts – it makes me crazy. What I can tell you is that any help that you can give the guys out there will help. I wrote a book about female narcs called When Evil Is a Pretty Face to try to help as best as I could but to hear it from another guy I’m sure would be a Godsend. Speak it from the heart and you could have a smash hit on your hands. I did it and you can do it too!
Zari xo