Although narcissists are famous for lacking a moral compass and the ability to show true human emotion, it’s their ability to understand it all that amazes me. In this article, Part 2 of my series on a narcissism and compartmentalization, I’m going to give you my theory on how a narcissist (or sociopath) actually does it…how he or she can actually do what they do, walking in and out of compartments continually fucking with the lives of those who love them. Again, this is my theory on it and I’m no expert but you will see that it makes sense.
Now, as strange as it sounds, a narcissist’s understanding of emotion is beyond even our own, believe me. Understanding what makes others tick allows narcissists to be a pretender extraordinaire and the future-faking emotional chameleon that eventually gets him/her the desired end result from another person. Combine this with compartmentalization and the narcissist creates his own perfect storm of trickery that can fool even the best of us.
In Part 1, I explained the psychological tactic of compartmentalization and how the narcissist uses it to keep all important relationships separated so that one either never finds out about the other or is incapable of ever gathering the evidence to validate suspicions that they do have. Compartmentalizing is how an N is able to subject partners to silent treatments over and over, all the while feeling perfecting confident that these partners will remain in the queue until his return. I likened the narcissist’s brain to an empty building filled with separate rooms (or compartments) where he keeps the different scenarios of his life under lock and key. Assuming the appropriate personality for each scenario, he simply slithers in and out of these rooms, trauma bonding the occupants to the point that no one knows what the hell is going on (except the N, of course) until it is way too late.
So, how does the narcissist do it? Is he just a pathological liar? Is it really possible that this person we love can have absolutely no problem living this Lie? How does a person just walk away from a long-term partner, historically rejecting years and years of a relationship as if it meant nothing at all? Well, here’s how I see it……
[NOTE: this goes for the female narcissist as well]
Once upon a time, the narcissist, even before he started creating his compartments, had to get a handle on his emotions. Whether this meant learning how to use the few that he did have (anger, rudeness, nothingness…) or learning to mimic those that he knew could get him what he wanted, he had to figure out a way to stay on top of the game so he could, in essence, keep playing for as long as he wanted. (Don’t forget…it’s all about the game here!) To do this, he decided that all emotions, aside from what his fakery made it look like, should, to him, feel the same. By this, he meant that everything and everybody in his life will exist on the same emotional plane. To the narcissist, no one person or situation or relationship or scenario will be any more important than the next and the level of importance allocated to all will be, of course, minimal. Why? Because “minimal” is comfortable to a narcissist as it relates to anything and especially as it relates to how he has to interact with the outside world. Of course, the outside world will be none the wiser because what the narcissist does have is an innate ability to deceive and to also read – like a book – the weaknesses and boundary points of anyone he becomes involved with. And these abilities, combined with the inability to feel true human emotion, then becomes is highly advantageous because it allows the N to have the calm wherewithal to figure out what he has to do to get what he wants. Basically, if he makes the most of what he’s got, he can go through life not giving a fuck about anything and still have a helluva good time! And so this is what he did.
The bottom line is that you mean no more to the N than anyone else in his life and you never did. You, his boss, his buddy, his job, his family as a whole and individually, his children, his co-workers, and even the check-out girl who rang out his groceries this morning all mean exactly the same to a narcissist. Everything and everyone (even you) serves a purpose and if, by chance, you stop serving that purpose, he’ll just find someone else to serve it or he’ll simply stop needing it. It ain’t nothing but a thing!
This is why narcissist can quit or switch jobs at the drop of a hat or walk out on his/her children feeling no guilt at all or change cell phone numbers with every deafening silence or talk nasty about you all over town when you did nothing or flash his new girl all over Facebook or leave a marriage after 20 years without saying a word or stop talking to family members or cheat on you even though you have great sex or make promises only to break them every time or future-fake a wedding engagement or vacation two days before he disappears or seduce and discard you over and over and over no matter how much you cry or beg him to love you and not to do it and to see the error of his ways. This is how he can walk in and out of compartments, fooling the occupants while having the time of his life.
Leveling the emotional playing field for any and all relationships and then sticking the humans attached to those relationships in little compartments so that they never learn about each other is what the narcissist’s relationship agenda is all about! The narcissist never hates or loves or likes you any more or less than he hates, love, or likes the stranger who stood next to him in an elevator this morning. When we view the relationship with the narcissist from this perspective, we can get a better understanding of why it ends in the callous way that it does and we can then take the pain a lot less personally. You, my friend, were never the problem.
This is only my theoretical opinion, of course, but if you think about it, it will connect the dots and make perfect sense.
Sabri
May 4, 2015 at 1:17 pmWOW! You are so right!!! I have no way of contacting him since he never ever gave me his cell number or his address (using the excuse that my hubby would find out) but now knowing everything…you are right he is living with that person.
Did I mention he has been married n divorced 3 times n he is only 31!!! HUGE HUGE RED FLAG!!! n he always bragged about the fact that yes he is the one that left every single of the 30 women he has been w/. He chose to leave them n they are always pleading to take him back!!!
He took so much from me…I bought him a new phone cause he told me his phone was acting up n as soon as he got it NO THANK YOU…he changed his number n never gave me his number.
He has every means of contacting me…he has my cell number, my work number, my home address, my work address…but I have no means of contacting him. Everytime he would see me…he would grab my phone…look thru my texts, my FB to see who I am talking to n what about n his phone lol NEVER WITH HIM!
He threaten me about everything…every single time. I got so scared n worried that I finally had to tell my husband especially after I visited him in OK.
And now he has unblocked me on the site where I usually contact him from…cause he knows before I found out about his double life. If I didn’t hear from him a couple of weeks I would beg him on there to contact me! NOT ANYMORE!!!! But why do you think he unblocked me on that? Is he hoping that I would contact him???
As for my husband…since I told him everything…we are trying to work on our marriage but my issue is much much deeper than that. I let this guy call me abusive names to my face about myself, my kids, my husband, my parents n I sat there n took it. My issues are deep rooted n I have already told my husband that I need to work on myself before or if I decide to reconcile my marriage. This guy brought so much despair n hurt into my life. I have 4 most beautiful kids in the world n I lost site of them when I was with him.
I have a feeling this guy will be back…cause he knows he has too much control over me…he saw how submissive I was around him n how excited I would get when I would see him n I AM SO SCARED of my response if I saw him. I am scared I am not strong enough…I am seeing my therapist…n trying to work on myself cause what I did was sooooo wrong n I am working on why did I do that n he took complete advantage of that.
Thank you Zari…you are AWESOME!!! This website has helped me so much n I trying to get stronger by reading your stories n the stories of all the abused men/women.
Zari Ballard
May 6, 2015 at 2:41 pmHi Sabri,
This guy (the N) you speak of is really a textbook case, girl. Just like my ex narcissist, he made sure that he was completely in charge of communications. My ex would just change his number as well and this is a very cruel tactic because the relationship then turns into a waiting game. It’s ALL a game and never think differently. He may very well be back and it sounds like he’s the kind of guy who’d just knock on your front door! Not a good thing. PLEASE make it so that he can’t contact YOU and end the bullshit. And stay away from social media because checking on him is just a waste of time and it will keep you from moving on. As for him unblocking you, he only did that because he KNOWS that you check it and he WANTS you to wonder why he did it! Again, it’s a game! To a narcissist, everything is about keeping exes in the queue so that they never move on. Ignore him.
And yes, narcissists like to take everything that you tell them in confidence and use it against you later. Mine did it all the time, bringing up things from my horrible divorce from my son’s dad years ago…calling me names that my ex husband used to call me that the N KNOWS I hate and saying things like “No wonder Rich left you!!” Oh my God, I’d want to kill him. So I do know what you were up against. It’s as if we all dated the same fucking guy….LOL
Read the books to get the whole scoop. Good luck and I’m here if you need me….
Zari xo
Pamala
May 12, 2015 at 11:42 amI’m concerned on why you are wasting all your time wondering what he is doing “means”? If you want to get over him why would you even look or notice that he unblocked you? To move on you need to stop seeking out what he is doing. Who cares if he unblocked you? Who cares if he wants you to contact him? Your messages read like you still want to play this game with him. Count your blessings he’s not contacting you and move forward with your husband or not, but be thankful you are being left alone and fade away. Not all of us are this lucky to have them disappear. Some of us are being constantly bugged because by our N.
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 7:48 pmHi Pamala,
I just had to comment on your response to Sabri and I have to say that it’s not unusual to feel desperate for answers. I know that I felt that way so many times that I can’t count. Not everyone is going to be in the same place over the situation as you are so try to be understanding of that. Desperation was my middle name for many years and if I can help someone understand why it happened, I will. Eventually we all get to a place of acceptance, as you know, but the road up is long and slippery and sometimes we need a little push. It’s hard to understand what’s happening when you’re in the thick of it which is why I’ve written my books and created this website.
Zari
Sabri
May 4, 2015 at 8:16 amHere is an update Zari…so the website I usually contact him on since he refused to give me his cell or his address (he claimed that the reason he couldn’t give it to me was cause my hubby would find out but actually he was leading a double life) When I found out about his gf…I wrote him a nasty message on there…calling him every single name in the book. He than blocked me from his profile so I wouldn’t be able to see it or send him anymore messages. Well this past Fri I went in there to close my act on that website (I read what you have been saying over n over again n that is block all contacts), he had unblocked me on there! But he never send me a message just unblocked me so I can send his idiot ass a message.
TELL ME WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS MEANS??? IS HE WAITING FOR A RESPONSE FROM ME?
Zari…any feedback is greatly appreciated!
Zari Ballard
May 6, 2015 at 2:45 pmSee my response to your newest post. And by the way, I wanted to say it in the last message (and forgot) but I, too, was not the greatest mom while I was dealing with the narcissist’s bullshit. I’m not proud of that time, believe me, and we’re not alone. However, children are amazingly forgiving and will put all that aside if we concentrate on making good memories going forward. Things happen in life and beating ourselves up is non-productive. We can only learn from our mistakes and commit to being better:)
Zari
Maxie
May 3, 2015 at 6:54 pmHi Zari—This makes perfect sense and is absolutely terrifying to the many past, current and future victims of this sadistic abuse. Thank you for writing a book on the plight of male victims of narcissist abuse. It’s incomprehensible how these pathological parasites can escape responsibility and remorse as they dance into the sunset leaving behind a trail of devastation and destruction. When I read “When Evil is a Pretty Face”, I felt as if you were witnessing my story as it unfolded while I was being systematically brainwashed. Even though I educated myself after that fact, I believe I still would not have been able to leave once I realized the toxic nature of this relationship. The magnetic force is just too powerful (as you well know). I tried leaving on three separate occasions during my eighteen months on “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride,” but would always succumb to her Academy Award winning performances. It took being heartlessly discarded to escape this emotional purgatory but I’m on the path to healing, although it will take some time.
Thank you again!
Sabri
May 1, 2015 at 2:49 pmI love love your books Zari…thank you so much for all your advice that I can’t stop reading please do help me w/my problem here. I am just lost completely lost!
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2015 at 5:41 pmHang tight, sister! I’m trying to catch up today and will be reading your first post shortly:)
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2015 at 12:58 pmOh you do have the books…thank God. Read, read, and re-read!! LOL Oh and please, please leave a review on Amazon if you have a moment. I would be most appreciative:)
Zari xo
Sabri
May 1, 2015 at 2:46 pmThese last few months have been hell for me…my husband found out everything due to this guy I was engaging in. Tiny bits of information was slowly given by him to my husband. This is the same guy who has PTSD…n used his PTSD as a poor excuse of his behavior but after reading these wonderful wonderful blogs on here (what a life savior) I now know HE IS A COMPLETE N!!!! But here is my story n please tell me if you think he is as well…I was so close to leaving my husband for this person..I can’t even call him a man for what he has done.
Here a brief history of my relationship w/him. I met him end of June from a dating site…when I found out he lived in OK but was eventually planning on moving to Den. I was ecstatic honestly…cause here was someone that I can text nonstop, who won’t ever have to see me who I think I am ugly enough that he might not like what he saw, n who would never see my ugly body. I was so happy he was far away…actually I can still remember I even jumped up n down. I was so happy.
He was…what I thought to be the perfect guy…extremely attentive, emotional ( I remember this is before he found out I was married n all n we got into an argument…n we didn’t talk all day n I texted him at night or something I don’t remember but he sent me this long sweet email…which showed what I thought that he loved me). I thought in my head a great texting partner. A guy again who didn’t know the real me…being a wife and a mom. The night he found out I was at a gf’s house for dinner…before I even answered his call I knew in my heart that he found out the truth about me…finally after his repeated calls I answered. His first words were How are you doing Mrs. S***? N How is your hubby doing? Are you with him now? Are your kids w/you now? Omg I will never forget his voice…his anger in his words. My whole make believe world came crashing down n its colliding w/my real world. I kept thinking that! The blood completely drained from my face. I remember like it was yesterday…of how he wouldn’t let me hang up the phone n wanted me to explain everything over the phone. He threatened to tell Samee everything if I hung up on him. Little did I know his threats would get worse as we progressed.
Anyways I stayed on the phone…as he continued confronting me about all the information he had. He had all 3 of my kids name, their cell numbers, my husband’s full name, his contact info, our mortgage payment n who it was from, my family contact info (such as my sister/brother in law/mom). He said he got all this information thru IE. After telling me all of this he then asked me what would you like me to do? Leave you alone…if you want me to leave you alone…I need to let your hubby know what you have been up these last few weeks.
When someone tells you that as a threat what are you suppose to say? I was scared stiff n of course I told him…no I want you to stay cause I am planning on leaving my husband. I am not happy in my marriage. I said what I knew how I felt. I wasn’t happy in my marriage that is why I was reaching out to men on the IE. It’s why I reached out this guy cause he gave me the companionship n acknowledgement I was not getting from my husband.
When I got home that night…my cat of 15 years died in my arms about 7 mins as soon as I got home and who was there for me? THIS GUY. Not my husband who basically didn’t even try to console me…but actually went to bed n talked about where to bury my cat. That night R stayed on the phone w/me all night, while I cried n cried. I slept n stayed next to my cat all night. He sat on the phone w/me n heard me crying all night…n it validated my point that my marriage wasn’t all that.
I told him everything than…about my kids n my family. We continued our relationship n it got more deeper n deeper. We had phone sex, I sent him a few pics (pics I have never ever ever in my life taken). He was always available to me. He got the validation that I was eventually going to leave my husband. He didn’t like the fact that we slept on the same bed, that I changed infront of him…n our arguments were based on that. He was extremely controlling n possessive…he didn’t like any of my friends either…he called them all sluts.
A couple weeks passed n one night I was going out w/my gfs….now usually he called all my friends sluts n didn’t like the fact if I went out w/them. Reasoning being that during my bday July 12…my friends took me out n of course I had a few shots n I never ever drink but it was my bday. He was so upset I went out that day that he ended things that afternoon…one being that I wouldn’t let him come n see me (I didn’t let him come cause at that time I never told him I was married or had kids), and the other was cause I was going out which he called my “slutty” friends. When I was out w/my friends…I remember begging him over n over again to take me back…he blocked me from his phone, I tried reaching him thru Skype he wouldn’t answer my calls nothing. Than later that night he called…n I must have hit the phone on n he heard me talking to a few men. I WAS NOT FLIRTING….I was just talking to ppl around me. He got extremely upset. Regardless that happened in the beginning but a mth later after him finding out everything about me…I was going out w/my gfs. I was shocked to learn that he wanted me to go n have a good time. I was shocked…usually he would throw a fit but not this time. I told him days before where I was going n we were actually going to Stampede a local Cowboys lounge in Aurora.
That night when I was out…now you understand he lived in OK…but when I was out w/my gfs he drove from OK n met me at Stampede that night!!! Completely surprise!!! No idea he was going to be there. This is first of his many surprise visits. My husband was out of town…n so he came over to my place that night n we had a wonderful evening together. I never thought it was a crazy stalker thing…what I saw was someone who loved me. The next day I went to work n while I was at work…which I told him I was going I saw him standing outside my building parking lot n tried getting into the building thru the access gate. I was shocked…why was he there???? I never told him where I worked!!! Anyways another huge red flag but that evening we were going out on our first actual date. I got dressed up n looked good. He wanted to drive my car on the way to downtown…I was so giddy that I was dancing in the car n to be honest wasn’t really paying attention to directions I was giving him n he made a few wrong turns. He got extremely upset w/me. He pulled the car over n told me to drive. He yelled at me so loud…for what??? I had no idea…but I was upset. I drove him back to his car. As I drove I cooled down a bit but he refused to talk to me. When he got to his car…he said if I came near him he would call Samee n tell him everything. That night he drove back to OK! Just like that.
We reconcile after that…n it was always thru my begging him back. He came again to see me in Denver from OK. And again he drove back in a huff n puff cause again I upset him but this time before he left cause I kept begging him what did I do???? He sent my husband a text thru his number n it said tell your wife to leave me alone. Despite all of that I continued contacting him n again we reconciled. His anger became apparent n than he threatened if I don’t come n see him in OK than he would tell my husband everything. He kept threatening to come n see him. So reluctantly I went…I have never in my life been so so scared seeing someone as I was seeing him. But when I saw him at the airport all my worries disappeared n all I saw was him n I was so happy. I told my husband I was going up to a cabin in CO didn’t tell him I traveled to OK. Anyways my husband found out. He found out a day later. All hell broke loose. In a way I didn’t care cause I was w/R. I was so happy w/him.
After when I was coming back from OK…everything changed between him n I. He started becoming cold towards me. He called me every single name in the book, called me all the names that I told him my family called me n he used everything against me. He was so vile….but I tried everything in my power to stay connected w/him, begged him to keep me over n over again. I sent him gifts for him n his cat but the biggest gift I sent him was the new iphone6. I sent him that…but as soon as he got it…there was never a thank you…instead he changed his phone number n refused to give me his phone number. That happened in Nov. I went to see him in Sept in OK.
Anyways…He moved here to Denver end of Jan. I never got his address or his phone number…he communicated w/me thru the app that has free number. I had no way of contacting him but he had every single way of contacting me. I thought by him moving here w/draw us closer but it got worse. Ever since I met him he would go thru my phone but he would never let me near his phone. When I came back from OK he started asking me for money to help him move to Den. I didn’t give him money (thank god) but I bought him gifts. I couldn’t bare losing him…he also kept threatening to tell my husband everything if I wouldn’t leave him. It got worse…so I made up a fake documentation on separation n sent him a pic of it. I was scared cause sooooooo many times he was so close to telling my husband and after coming back from OK I did talk to my husband about divorce…but he kept threatening to take away my kids (which meant the whole world to me)..so I stopped asking him.
Well he moved here to CO end of Jan…he refused to see me first cause it had to be in his terms to see me…when I wouldn’t ask to see him he would refuse but one day he came to my work. Now I have not seen him since Sept. When we saw each other I was so happy but it turned sour cause he saw the ring mark on my finger n figured out that I was still married to my husband n asked me about giving him money n I said no. So he cussed me out…called me names n left. Now this is a guy before him coming here from OK I texted n talked to almost everyday. But every since him moving here he refused to communicate w/me thru texts…very odd. He saw me again on Feb 26th….so much more differently than the last time he saw me…he was attentive n I swear that when we are together ITS LIKE HE NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE MY SIDE…I lived out in the country n he drove from the movie theater to where I lived (about an hour away) so he can spend more time w/me. It’s like he didn’t want to let me go. My husband travels allot n my kids were home n no I didn’t neglect them they each had an activity in the evening which I dropped them off at so I could spend time w/him. . But after that wonderful night…he left again. No communication nothing he wouldn’t text me nothing finally I was able to contact him thru the site where we first met n I sent him an email on there pissed off. That was March 23rd a Tuesday (almost a month since the last time I saw him) …I sent an email stating I wanted nothing to do w/him. I was done! I thought he was crap n just vile! He used me this whole time. The next day as I was sitting in my garage…I heard someone calling out my dog’s name n OMG it was R walking outside my neighborhood while my husband was inside the house as well as my kids. Omg this guy showed up at my house but you know what I did…I was so happy to see him after no contact for almost 3 wks! All I did was hug him n spent the whole evening w/him (I told my husband I was going out to see a movie)…I literary jumped into his arms…I took him out to dinner, after that we had ice cream n than we sat in his car n talked. He told me I know you are having a hard time leaving your husband…so all those texts n warnings I sent to your husband I did it so he would leave you. He told me that in the car. The next day he met me at work n we went to see a movie n after the movie his temper changed…he was really upset. He asked me again if I was going to leave Samee n if I would give him money. I told him I am working on leaving Samee but its hard cause I have kids involved I was scared to lose my kids…but I did talk to my husband n did ask him for divorce not once but 3 times! But I told him I wasn’t going to ever give him money n that is off the table. As soon as I said that He told me than never to contact him again but in my head I thought oh just another fight we are having. Cause we have fought many many times n each time its either me begging him back or when he sees that I have not contacted him he would contact me.
Well he never contacted me since March 24th…last week I kept sending him email thru the site where we met that he was still on n I could see he was reading my messages to please call me but he never did and like many, many, many times before I would ask him if he met someone please do let me know. Nothing back he could easily have told me instead a couple days later my friend was on FB (btw he blocked me on FB) I told her to check his profile n there it was in relationship w/so n so since Monday April 20th….my whole world came crashing thru. This is the guy who accused me of lying n cheating, who would grab my cellphone n look thru it to see if I am talking to someone, who accused me for mths flirting w/other men. Omg n this whole time he had someone else! I don’t drink or do drugs…I have been w/3 men in my life including him n he sat there being w/someone else asking me to divorce my husband when he already had someone else!! OMG HERE IS A GUY THAT WAS SO INTO ME KNOWS EVERYTHING I MEAN EVERYTHING ABOUT ME N DOES THIS N JUST THROWS ME AWAY N LEFT ME!! HOW COME HE DIDN’T TELL ME ZARI OR ANYONE READING THIS!
Here I am begging my husband to give me divorce so I can be w/this guy n he does this to me…I was leaving a 17 years marriage for this guy against my culture/religion to be w/this guy.
This the point I am at….heartbroken, lost, insulted, hopeless n just lost all my confidence n self esteem yet over and over again. I am so lost but my last contact w/him was April 24th…when I called to confront him n this fucker even got his stupid gf on the phone w/me to tell me to leave him alone n that they are together now…when its this fucker was the one stalking n showing up at my house a month ago!
I am sad n hurt but I have been in NC for about a week no contact…he hasn’t tried contacting me either…I haven’t checked FB or the site where it was the only way I could reach him. I am wondering if this is the end…will he ever contact me again??? Or you think I found out his secret life n now its finally over. Please do tell me so I can be prepared since I have no way of contacting him n he has ever mean to call me on my cell, come to my work, my home. PLEASE TELL ME SINCE YOU KNOW….IS THIS GUY A N? Or was it his PTSD?
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2015 at 12:46 pmHi Sabri,
Wow….that’s quite a story and I wasn’t sure at first about him having narcissistic qualities until about half way through and then, of course, it was all there…the same story….the same timeline…the same bullshit that we all have gone through. Please, if you can, download my books from Amazon because they will help you, especially When Love Is a Lie. My story is your story (w/o the marriage).
Okay, now having said that, there’s no way that I can simply give you advice or my opinion and not talk about the elephant in the room – the marriage. You’ve got TWO THINGS GOING ON and I honestly feel that you have to walk away from both. First of all, I’ll tell you right now, the narcissist (R) moved to Colorado because of that girl. He had that all set up way in advance and had no intention of ever being with you in your own state. I’m sure that he met her on a dating site too and the fact that she lived in CO was too hard to resist for him because THEN he could really teach you a lesson AND have a place to stay all at once. And if you’re thinking that the marriage was the whole problem, it wasn’t for him because it allowed him to use everything and anything against you AND it allowed him to basically blackmail you into submission. The whole thing was a narcissist’s perfect storm. Honestly, I believe it may be over for at least now…for awhile while he completes the Idolize phase with this new person. But once they have the first fight – because he ain’t changin (not for you, for her, not for anyone) – and/or she kicks him to the curb, he will either contact you on-the-fly “just because” he’ll have some free time to make you miserable and anxiety-ridden until he figures out a plan OR he will move back to OK (let’s hope). No matter WHAT he chooses, this MUST be over for you because it will do NOTHING but create constant pain and stress in your life. He will never love you, be your friend, or really give a shit what happens to you and your family. He doesn’t care. It must end for you in your mind right now. Block HIM from being able to call you, text you, email you, or contact you via social media. TODAY. Do this now because honestly, girl, this is NOT the biggest problem in your life. The biggest problem is still to be dealt with – the marriage – and while you didn’t ask me my opinion about that, I’m going to give it anyway based on what little you’ve told me about it.
Look, it appears to me that you have a job and means to support yourself…why don’t you just end it? You can and WILL get the kids, sister, and do not let him threaten you with that. Everyone here – including myself – who has children and had to go through a bad divorce has felt that fear…that somehow we wouldn’t get to keep the kids. It’s enough to make us crazy but it should never be enough to keep us in a marriage that we don’t want to be in. Except for this dalliance with the narcissist monster (which, in actuality, your husband doesn’t even really know the half of), your husband has nothing to hold over your head. If you really want out, tell him it’s over. If not, then either try to make it work and stay off the dating sites. [By the way, 98% of any guy you will ever meet on ANY dating site is a narcissist or sociopath and that’s a fact. If you continue to find guys IE, it WILL happen to you again.] Seriously, life is too short to be that unhappy and to let the men in your life keep blackmailing you into submission. They’ve BOTH done it to you and it has to stop. You do NOT have to be a perpetual victim to assholes.
Okay, rant’s over. I hope I’ve been helpful and I do hope you read the books. I’m always available for a phone consultation (information at this link) if you need it and I would be happy to talk to you. Until then, please take a step back. The narcissist is a lost cause whether you’re married or not. The husband…only you know what to do there but do NOT be afraid about the children. Unless you are Lizzie Bordon and broke, you will get the kids.
Stay strong and I’m here to support you!!!
Zari xo
Bill
April 28, 2015 at 12:29 amExcellent article Zari! Yep, it is not easy to realize all this, but this is the truth. I still coming back to your website (even after a successful recovery) and there is always something new to learn. I have memory “flash back” sometimes, but I don’t get mad anymore. You truly helped me a lot. Thanks again!
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2015 at 6:21 pmHi Bill,
So glad you’re doing so well! That makes me very, very happy:) And I love it that you come back to read….continuing knowledge never hurt anyone and there’s strength in numbers. We’re all in this together…
Zari xo
Debi
April 26, 2015 at 5:01 amMorning Zari,
For the most part, the dots do seem to connect, although I wasn’t with him long enough to know the true measure of his narcissism….which is a good thing! But he has 2 kids, seems very disconnected from his 24 yr old son, although I have not been in any situations where they were present, other than one time at a bar and he totally ignored his son, other than “hi”. He always talked allot about his 27 yr old daughter tho in a very proud way, almost as if putting her on a pedestal. I always thought it strange that he only had a few old pictures of the kids in his bedroom, no family pics anywhere else. I just find it hard to imagine that even family might not be valued. I’ve never heard from him again since he disappeared 3 months ago and my need to “get even” has subsided and the obsession of “how could he do this to me” is no longer an obsession. Thanks in part to you, I’ve been able to let go knowing it wasn’t me.
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2015 at 7:59 pmHi Debi,
Hope you are doing well, girl:) I’m getting confused on who I did and didn’t get back to and so sorry. A quick comment on one of your posts relative to family. Narcissist could care less about even their own children. I know it’s hard to wrap our heads around that but therein lies the difference between the soul of an N and the soul of people like you and me and anyone with a heart. Children are usually used as pawns only to torment the ex and there’s not much reason after that. This is why a narcissist will inevitably disappear from the lives of their children after the ex gets settles with a new guy and it’s clear she can’t be pushed around anymore OR when the N hooks up with a girl that he CAN push around whereby keeping him too busy to see the kids. It’s very sad. So, yes, to a narcissist, family is of no value. In fact, there isn’t a damn thing in his life except his own ego that means an iota of anything.
Stay strong!
Zari xo