Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I)

Maintaining no contact with a narcissistic ex would become instantly easier if we’d just admit that our need for closure is really about us wanting revenge.

Certainly, I understand as well as anyone that, in narcissist recovery, the act of agonizing over the lack of closure from a Discard has become, well, the very trademark of our suffering. I know because I, too, did it for years and years. We all do. Oh my God, we’ll say it over and over, whining and crying until either we believe it or everyone around us believes it: “But I didn’t get any closure! There’s never any closure…I need closure….there wasn’t any cloooooossssuure!”

Please…has anybody…anybody….. seen my frigging closure???

Okay, so let’s talk about this “closure” that we all apparently want so bad – need so bad – from these unfeeling, uncaring, unlovable bastards. Since closure, obviously, can mean different things to different people depending on the narcissistic situation, then what is our unique, one-of-a-kind closure that, if we had it, would make the entire situation so much easier to bear?

narcissistic-revengeI mean, since much of what all of us in narcissist recovery do is cry and weep and whine over the lack of closure, then we surely must know exactly what this closure is, right? Of course. And it shouldn’t be anything we even have to think about, I would imagine, since we spend so much time grieving its absence.

Two Truths About Closure That You Won’t Read About

Now, here’s Truth #1 (which is both the good news and also the problem) about this elusive “closure” character we’re always searching and yearning for (and this goes for any type of ending to any type of particularly toxic relationship, by the way): there’s no such thing. And I’ll say it again. There’s no such thing.

 “Closure” is a made-up word that the world uses to signify a happy or peaceful ending…a word used describe all those things in fairy tales that tie up nicely with no loose ends. I mean, closure is a good thing, right? If so, then, in real life, it simply doesn’t – and can’t – logically co-exist with an ending of any sort because anything that ends when you’re not ready for it to end is not going to be happy. Now, I’m not saying that, in life, there are no happy endings….but, damn it, they sure are far and few between. With that being true, how can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence? They can’t – so how in the hell can we even think (never mind cry) about this closure thing when it’s very existence ever – and particularly in our type of relationship – is a complete impossibility?

Seriously, what “closure” could the N/S/P ever give you that would make a damn difference after all the crap he’s put you through? We’ve been dealing with his narcissistic lies and manipulative narcissistic tactics for years now – why on earth would we believe anything he has to say?And, since we can’t even define the closure we want, how can an empty, shell-of-a-man narcissist even offer up anything close to what we think it is that we need to make it all better for ourselves. Moreover, I’m sure most of us got the finger on his way out the door or a hang-up or a nasty remark or maybe nothing at all – and that, I’m sorry to say, was our closure. The fact is that it’s supposed to be over and anything that ends when we don’t want it to is just not going to make us happy no matter how we try to spin it.

Now, all that being said, here’s Truth #2 about closure that you won’t see in a book or on other websites: what we really want is revenge.

Now, let’s talk about that.

Thinking about getting revenge on these jerks doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us normal. I’m talking about this issue honestly because it has to be done. Wanting to get even with these guys is a huge part of the break-up relative to our feelings and you just can’t ignore it because “getting revenge” is considered politically incorrect or inappropriate.    Now, that being said, my own personal discovery or epiphany, after realizing that “closure” didn’t exist, is that we only cry about wanting “closure” because, in our moral, conscious-laden minds, wanting to perform atrocities on these animals seems…well…too narcissistic.

What we really want is that little something else. The truth is…fuck closure! We want revenge and we want it now!

If you think this sounds harsh (which I bet most of you do not), the next time your heart is breaking over the fact that the narcissist erased you from his life without giving you the closure that you wanted, replace the word “closure” with “revenge” in your mind and see which image paints a truer, more comforting picture.
To be continued in Part II…..

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  • Deanna Phillips

    April 8, 2017 at 11:57 am Reply

    “…How can terms like “happy ending” and “narcissist” even sit side-by-side in a sentence?”

    I’ll tell you how….I found out my ex was visiting massage brothels on a daily basis as a regular part of his work day. He was paying for the “happy endings”.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 9, 2017 at 5:49 pm Reply

      Oh I think that those are just the “happy endings” he deserves – the ones he has to pay for. The happy endings we get from the world once the narcissist is gone and we have moved on are absolutely free and abundant!…xo

      • Deanna Phillips

        April 9, 2017 at 7:11 pm Reply

        PS – Just purchased your book on NOOK. I was really glad to find this site and read all of your blogs to get me through the past few days. There were so many things that I couldn’t make any sense of….this site has made it clear that I never need to glance backward or feel another “what if”. Thank you for putting this info out for those of us who need to find it.

        I escaped two weeks ago…put everything in storage and left town. Had to return today — albeit to new apt — and needed to bolster myself in case I ever run into this mofo. I haven’t stopped replaying the past in my head yet, but I think I can ignore his existence now.

        • Zari Ballard

          April 16, 2017 at 2:22 am Reply

          Good for you Deanna! You CAN ignore his existence! You’ve come way too far to turn back now, girl!….xo

  • Elke

    December 13, 2016 at 3:57 pm Reply

    I have had my revenge (I unmasked my N in his professional life and he lost his job because of the information I had and shared from him , and I exposed him in his family life sending sex video’s and evidence of his cheating on me to his family) and it felt good in a way although it also made me feel bad about myself because I normally do not believe in revenge and our values and believes make us think that revenge is a bad thing.
    However, I still felt/feel the need for closure even after having had my revenge. The nagging feeling is still there. The need for closure is more than the need for revenge to me.
    It is the need to be validated. The need to hear “sorry”, the need to talk to the N after seeing things clear again, the need for justice, the need as a victim to be recognized as a victim and to be validated as a person really. To get acknowledgement for just existing.
    But we all know that will NEVER happen with these people. NEVER! For me, it is still difficult to realize that people like this do exist, it still gives me the shivers that I was so intimate with somebody so evil and so deceptive, actually enjoying the process of destroyiny somebody. How sick is that. As a normal person I still catch myself thinking sometimes that I must have dreamt all of it and one day he will come over to say sorry. I KNOW this will never happen. But even knowing that, there is this completely wrong “hope” that maybe a final conversation with him would change his perspective on things and he would apologize. Hilarious. I would never take him back. Not in a million years. And no, break-ups are never easy and only in rare occasions go smoothly. But not even having a break-up momentum, not even having a break-up conversation, no talking responsibility for the hurt that was caused, etc, is one of the most difficult things I had to do in my life. Asking for closure with a N is like asking a man with no legs to go out and have a walk with you. Those people are sick. They have a mental disorder. Accepting that and fully realizing that was my starting point to heal. Accepting who they are (without any excuses for their behaviour ofcourse). Sick. With no perspective of getting better. We can and will get better.
    Good luck to you all!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 16, 2016 at 7:22 pm Reply

      Hi Elke,

      Well, your revenge should have been your closure. For most of us, it would have been. Like you said, the “sorry’s” don’t come with any sincerity and you definitely can’t expect to ever get them now on any level after outing him. LOL The fact that you had cold hard facts and you did something with him that basically put him in his place…exposed him to his family…even though I don’t condone revenge per se, this sounds like closure to me. It also sounds like validation and “justice” that he is what he is. Sure, he has a “disorder” but he’s a grown-up. I don’t cut them any slack on that. The fact is that narcissists know right from wrong…they just don’t give a shit. THAT’S whats hard to wrap our head around.

      I would move on and be happy, girl. You got more closure, validation, and justice than most of us here put together!


  • Me

    November 24, 2016 at 2:59 am Reply

    I am still suffering from PTSD after being completely used by a Swedish narc. He promised me the world but took everything from me. Being a career woman with a high salary, lots of time and love for his children… I ended up sick, a maid and nanny for his enjoyment.
    I am out … I packed my stuff and ran.. forgot to bring a few things (very pricy things) and he is holding them hostage. This has been the worst experience in my life and very few people around me can understand why I suffer.
    I am almost free… but after new contact to get my belongings I am back in the darkness.
    All I can say is … what the @:):( happened? After reading everyday online about this type of disturbed personalities I still cry and miss the idiot!!!
    Hopefully soon I will get back my life and I will have my revenge… A wonderful life .. and he will be stuck with his horrible life and choises.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 3, 2016 at 2:16 am Reply

      Hi Me,

      I know exactly how you feel because I’ve been there…and so have so many others here. We’ve all gone back in to see if the fire still burns and it always does. Look, it doesn’t matter how smart we are or how much we read while we’re going through it. You can’t force the ending but I assure you it can happen. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it explains everything that you feel and how I got past it and survived. You can be a survivor too! Your happiness – which will happen (I promise) – is so very important. I wasted 13-year and I discovered what he was in the 8th year – and I still stayed! So, you are not alone, my sister.

      If you need to talk, book some talk time and we’ll work it out. You have it all going on…don’t allow this guy to waste anymore of your life. And yes, a wonderful life is the BEST revenge but it’s a process to recovery. Why waste anymore time?

      Stay strong and I’m here to support you….

      Zari xo

  • Andrew

    September 18, 2016 at 6:52 pm Reply

    Well, Im a 44 year old man, just got over a year long relationship with a really damaged woman. Lots of family, sexual and drug trauma. For a year I thought she was sincere. I fell for every game and became a victim. She said I was the abuser, only because I became one after all the games she would play with me. I was acting in self defense. Telling her to be accountable, have integrity, be trustworthy but all her actions spoke louder than her words. I saw the flags flying early and being co-dep I keep looking past the issues. All the complaining, the you dont love my 16yr old son (pain in the ass) you are never nice to us….so I became on of them. Its sucks because I eventually starting going to therapy and then she cheated on me three time. Went into her womens liberation and free will, I can be a slut and you can’t shame me shit. All the while its excuse after excuse. DO this and do that for me and my son. Never giving anything back but BS. I was never good enough. Well now I see she is also bi-polar (poor thing) and has a few other traits but keeps telling me see love d me and if I was nicer to her son it would be all ok. I actually believed it. So after realizing she is BP, has sex issues, social anxiety, excuses for everything I am on the road to getting out of her life. Its been so painful for me. As a man with good qualities, means well and would bend and compromise if I was in the wrong. Yet she continued to make me feel like I was the problem. She is a flirt (yet says is normal) I told her flirting is because she is insecure and when you love someone you dont flirt. If your partner has a problem with it you stop. Instead its my problem and I’m jealous…and can’t trust her. Ahh duh. Im finally seeing the patterns and running for the hills. To boot she is a therapist herself and it makes it all so real and humiliating. You would think she would see she is BP and N and get some help at the Hospital she works at. So I know I am rambling, but I want to ask some of the women here what they think? Im really struggling with all this. Its really fucked me up good and I need to get away so I can feel better. I do miss the Ex but know its never going to work. She even tried the lets be friend thing and I know its only to keep me around because she knows I am good source for her. I really fell for her but now I know it was a mistake….help someone get me out of here.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2016 at 4:30 pm Reply

      Hi Andrew,

      Thank you for sharing your tale of woe…we’ve all got one and they are pretty much interchangeable. I’ll be the first to tell you that the female narcissists are absolutely the worst of the worst. I’m convinced that they have their male counterparts beat hands down in the evil department. I’m glad that you’re getting away from her and I’d be sure to run as far as I can because for the narcissist, the game never gets old and it never ends. As for the BP diagnosis, I never buy that. It’s a convenient excuse for horrendous behavior and they’ll use it at every turn. Because she’s a therapist, she knows EXACTLY what she’s doing and what she needs to say to get some slack on her hook. Narcissists know right from wrong, Andrew…they just don’t give a shit.

      Please consider booking a consultation with me to help you through this. It’s very painful and I talk to men all the time all over the world who are going through the same thing. It’s all about changing your perspective and I can help you do that. You’d be amazed how empowering a simple conversation can be when you’re speaking with someone who has been right where you’re at. You WILL survive it…trust in the truth that you know and make a game plan to get the hell out of dodge:)

      Stays strong!


    • Sarah

      September 27, 2016 at 11:22 am Reply

      Hi Andrew
      Your experience sounds very similar to mine with my ex N. He promised me everything at first and seemed to be so loving and sincere but the red flags started appearing and I just ignored them. He flirted with other women on text and social media behind my back and possibly cheated too but I don’t know.
      He’s now targeting someone else as I won’t take his crap and cut off his supply, but he’s still tried to keep me as an option with the most sickening smarmy fake sincerity *puke*.
      He has no conscience and nor does your ex. As hurt as I’ve been by him I’ve had to choose not to let him break me and not to let him ruin my future by leaving me unable to ever trust anyone again.
      Read up on Narc’s if you feel yourself missing your ex – it helps to remind yourself that they’re not worth anything and will never change. Focus on the fact that you’re a good person and you have morals and values in your relationships.
      Have pity for your ex as she will continue to be a horrible prospect in relationships and she is EMPTY inside.
      You’ll be fine and all this will pass.

  • Fluffy

    February 26, 2016 at 9:48 pm Reply

    It took me almost 6 years to dump my Narc, but better late than never. I cannot tell you how much all of your articles have helped me, and ESPECIALLY this one. I could go on and on about all the stupid shit he’s pulled over all these years, but it’s nothing new. The urge to see him burn is pretty strong, even though I will probably never see it. I do believe in karma, though, and at some point he will be hit by a reallllllly bad boomerang. Would love to be there when it decks him, but on the other hand, why the f**k would I want to even be in the same zip code with such a pathetic asshole. ☺

    • Zari Ballard

      March 1, 2016 at 6:55 pm Reply

      Hi Fluffy,

      Yup, closure is a made up word…it’s the stuff movies are made of. In real life, closure comes from within. When it’s a narc we’re dealing with, the only closure we need is to close the fucking chapter and be done with it. I, too, believe that eventually karma will kick them in the ass but even if it doesn’t, the hope is that, by that time, we’re at a place in OUR lives that we just don’t give a shit (about them or what ever happened to them).

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Fluffy

        March 6, 2016 at 11:15 am Reply

        Your website has become a sort of daily meditation for me, and has a lot to do with being able to stay strong. I was so head-over-heels in love with his fake persona that it was almost physical torture to cut him out of my life, but I had to. He was killing my psyche, slowly but surely. I just ordered your books, and I can see them becoming my “bibles” for a little, or perhaps a long while. Whatever it takes. Thanks for all you do to help me rediscover my sanity. ????

        • Zari Ballard

          March 9, 2016 at 8:55 pm Reply

          Hi Fluffy,

          It’s my privilege to help in any way that I can:) I hope you enjoy the books and may they continue to empower you until (and long after) you climb out of the rabbit hole. I am sure that you will see yourself on every page…my story is your story. Be sure to stay educated about it so that the possibility of going back defies all logic. These monsters will use, abuse, and manipulate us until the end of time if we allow it. The game for them just never gets old.

          Stay strong, sister…and know that I’m here to support you:)

          Zari xo

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