Breaking up with a narcissist is never easy but, with the right intention and the willingness to let a few things go, it certainly can be done. The good news is that the “rules” of breaking up with a narcissist are completely different than the rules that apply to even the most dysfunctional of “normal” relationships. When you break up with a narcissist, there are a whole slew of things that you simply don’t have to worry about.
For example, when you decide to leave a narcissist for good….
- You don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings because he doesn’t have any
- Because he’s never around, you really don’t even have to tell him you’re breaking up
- Even if you do break up in person, he’ll likely be so insulted (narcissistic injury) that he’ll start giving you the silent treatment anyway
- You don’t have to worry about running into him anytime soon because of his Houdini-like ability to vanish off the face of the earth
- And so forth and so on…..
Of course, in order to really break up and truly let go of the narcissist, you, as the victim, have to be able to give up a few of the things that have been keeping you from breaking up with him in the first place including:
- The need to have the last word because it will ever happen. The narcissist is a walking dictionary of last words and he’ll always have a better one.
- The need to hear him admit to every awful thing he’s ever done to you because he won’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about
- The need to first get reimbursed for all the money you’ve either spent on him or he’s “borrowed” from you because, again, he won’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about
- The need to have him grovel for forgiveness because, in the blink of an eye, he’ll have you groveling for forgiveness and you won’t even know how he did it
- The need to break-up but then still get closure-style revenge (somehow) because chances are he’s already thought ahead and his revenge on your revenge will be much worse
- And so forth and so on
Yes, ending a relationship with a narcissist is easier than you think because the reality of the situation is that you’ve been broken up the whole time! Just because the narcissist disappears without saying a word doesn’t mean he hasn’t broken up with you – because he has. Silent treatments are just break-ups in disguise intended to make you imagine that the possibility that you haven’t been dumped for good still exists.
Recently, I received a heartfelt email from a reader who wondered if No Contact still counted if she decided to implement it during a silent treatment. Of course it does! You can turn a narcissistic silent treatment around anytime in your own mind just by saying “This is NOT a silent treatment. This is No Contact and I’ve just dumped YOU!” My point is that, since the narcissist is never around anyway, you can break up with him anytime simply by not being there when he gets back. You can just as easily block HIS phone and change YOUR phone number – as he does to you – but you must do it with one thing that’s different: the intention.
Again, the silent treatment is a narcissist’s way to avoid you dumping him by keeping you confused as to whether he just dumped you. He intends to return because his intention – always – is to keep you from moving on from the pain he has caused (although he’s been moving on the whole time). You have to understand how the narcissist is really thinking…the evilness and indifference of his plan…and accept it as truth – because it is! Once you grasp the facts…that he doesn’t and has never loved you, that he is going to play this cat and mouse game forever and ever, that he will never change and, therefore, wanting to get even and have closure and hear “I’m sorry’s” is just a waste of more time…once you “get” all of this, it will become amazingly clear to you that dumping the narcissistic partner is far easier than you ever thought possible.
Now, when you co-parent with a narcissist, things are slightly different but only technically. The truth is that narcissists are no better parents than they are partners. Narcissists walk out on their families to be with other partners all the time and don’t have the slightest problem doing it. No problem at all. So, if you don’t have the strength to end it while he’s still living with you, then wait for him to leave (and you know he will), change the locks, tell the kids, and start the process of divorcing his ass.
I’m not saying that your decision to finally break-up for good isn’t going to be sad – because it will be. What I am saying is that, if you stay focused and mean what you say and say what you mean, to actually break-up with the narcissist, to end it, to stop the insanity once and for all isn’t going to be that hard. The hard part is always within us – the victim – and it always has to do with our inability to be honest with ourselves about the intention of the “break-up”. If your plan, deep down, is to go No Contact in hopes that he will end his silent treatment, you may as well just sit and wait for the hoover and save yourself the trouble. He’s going to do all those awful things narcissists and sociopaths do whether you love him or not, remain loyal to him or not, wait for him or not, or break-up with him or not.
So you may as well break-up with the motherfucker!
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