Breaking Up With a Narcissist (Excerpt from Zari’s New Book)

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Breaking up with a narcissist is never easy but, with the right intention and the willingness to let a few things go, it certainly can be done. The good news is that the “rules” of breaking up with a narcissist are completely different than the rules that apply to even the most dysfunctional of “normal” relationships. When you break up with a narcissist, there are a whole slew of things that you simply don’t have to worry about.

For example, when you decide to leave a narcissist for good….

  • You don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings because he doesn’t have any
  • Because he’s never around, you really don’t even have to tell him you’re breaking up
  • Even if you do break up in person, he’ll likely be so insulted (narcissistic injury) that he’ll start giving you the silent treatment anyway
  • You don’t have to worry about running into him anytime soon because of his Houdini-like ability to vanish off the face of the earth
  • And so forth and so on…..

Of course, in order to really break up and truly let go of the narcissist, you, as the victim, have to be able to give up a few of the things that have been keeping you from breaking up with him in the first place including:

  • The need to have the last word because it will ever happen. The narcissist is a walking dictionary of last words and he’ll always have a better one.
  • The need to hear him admit to every awful thing he’s ever done to you because he won’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about
  • The need to first get reimbursed for all the money you’ve either spent on him or he’s “borrowed” from you because, again, he won’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about
  • The need to have him grovel for forgiveness because, in the blink of an eye, he’ll have you groveling for forgiveness and you won’t even know how he did it
  • The need to break-up but then still get closure-style revenge (somehow) because chances are he’s already thought ahead and his revenge on your revenge will be much worse
  • And so forth and so on
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Yes, ending a relationship with a narcissist is easier than you think because the reality of the situation is that you’ve been broken up the whole time! Just because the narcissist disappears without saying a word doesn’t mean he hasn’t broken up with you – because he has. Silent treatments are just break-ups in disguise intended to make you imagine that the possibility that you haven’t been dumped for good still exists.

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Recently, I received a heartfelt email from a reader who wondered if No Contact still counted if she decided to implement it during a silent treatment. Of course it does! You can turn a narcissistic silent treatment around anytime in your own mind just by saying “This is NOT a silent treatment. This is No Contact and I’ve just dumped YOU!” My point is that, since the narcissist is never around anyway, you can break up with him anytime simply by not being there when he gets back. You can just as easily block HIS phone and change YOUR phone number – as he does to you – but you must do it with one thing that’s different: the intention.

Again, the silent treatment is a narcissist’s way to avoid you dumping him by keeping you confused as to whether he just dumped you. He intends to return because his intention – always – is to keep you from moving on from the pain he has caused (although he’s been moving on the whole time). You have to understand how the narcissist is really thinking…the evilness and indifference of his plan…and accept it as truth – because it is! Once you grasp the facts…that he doesn’t and has never loved you, that he is going to play this cat and mouse game forever and ever, that he will never change and, therefore, wanting to get even and have closure and hear “I’m sorry’s” is just a waste of more time…once you “get” all of this, it will become amazingly clear to you that dumping the narcissistic partner is far easier than you ever thought possible.

Now, when you co-parent with a narcissist, things are slightly different but only technically. The truth is that narcissists are no better parents than they are partners. Narcissists walk out on their families to be with other partners all the time and don’t have the slightest problem doing it. No problem at all. So, if you don’t have the strength to end it while he’s still living with you, then wait for him to leave (and you know he will), change the locks, tell the kids, and start the process of divorcing his ass.

I’m not saying that your decision to finally break-up for good isn’t going to be sad – because it will be. What I am saying is that, if you stay focused and mean what you say and say what you mean, to actually break-up with the narcissist, to end it, to stop the insanity once and for all isn’t going to be that hard. The hard part is always within us – the victim – and it always has to do with our inability to be honest with ourselves about the intention of the “break-up”. If your plan, deep down, is to go No Contact in hopes that he will end his silent treatment, you may as well just sit and wait for the hoover and save yourself the trouble. He’s going to do all those awful things narcissists and sociopaths do whether you love him or not, remain loyal to him or not, wait for him or not, or break-up with him or not.

So you may as well break-up with the motherfucker!

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40 Comments

  • Harley wilson

    November 23, 2016 at 1:45 pm Reply

    I met my N at a bar 3 yrs ago, ended up pregnant with his 1st child right away. He took me out for lunch everyday up until then. Once we knew, he changed, needing money and wanted to get an abortion. Of course I said no. That should have been a red flag but it got worse when I found out he was using drugs and made me choo and made me choose to move out of the place I was living to live with him. It’s been 3 years and now he is financially responsible I guess you would say. The apartment is in my name technically he is not allowed to live here and if I really wanted to be an a****** I could kick him out. He is cutting me off from everybody and the friends I have now he hates. Not to mention he is always right and I’ve even caught him talking to another girl and he even texted my sister by accident something he was supposed to text her and said that he set it up so that I would see it to see how I respond. Which is BS and I know better but with Thanksgiving with two families and my son’s birthday the day after I’m at a loss. We broke up a couple times and he’s always manipulated his way back. He still has an addiction and he blames it on me but I know for a fact it’s not because I got him help in the first place and I have never had problems with drugs. I guess I am waiting for an opportune time to kick him out. I know he’s a narcissist and of course he says he’s not but he’s violent he’s rude and he knows every button to push to get what he wants. I guess what I’m saying is that I really just need a good pep talk. My plan is to wait until he’s gone At work and maybe pack his things and throw them out. Problem is his mother is the very same way as he and she is terrifying. They call me a bad parent and I know I am not I’ve done everything for my child and all he does is sleep or yell at me or tell me something isn’t right even though I’ve done it well. His mother is gone to the lengths of children services on me and trying to keep my child from me and of course the police told her that she can’t do that. So do I cut both of them Off completely because it’s very complicated with children and I know he and she both do a lot for him too.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 3, 2016 at 2:08 am Reply

      Hi Harley Wilson,

      If you read through all the articles on my site, you will see all of the reasons to kick his ass to the curb. If you want a REAL pep talk, then consider booking some talk time with me so that I can do it properly. When it comes to narcissism in relationships, pep talks are what I’m all about:)

      If you’re not financially reliant on this guy, why are allowing him to stay there and treat you like that? We often hang around to see what happens next as if its happening to someone else but it’s not…it’s happening to us and to our families and, meanwhile, the narc just does what he wants. Do the right thing for your child and kick him out. That won’t make you an “asshole”, it will make you one smart girl!

      Book some time and we can talk!

      Zari xo

  • Marie

    September 3, 2016 at 1:02 pm Reply

    I’m not sure that I was a narcissist but it feels like it… I met a boy online back in February. We hit it off right away and even though there’s a big age difference (i’m 33 and he’s 25), we got along great. We have opposite work schedules but he would make time for me as much as possible. He asked me to be his girlfriend within a week, but after the 3rd week, he was feeling very distant. When I asked him (via text), he completely blew up and ignored me for about a week. I didn’t contact him then finally he texted me accusing me of ignoring him. We talked, got back together, and in the middle of March he told me he was getting kicked out of the house he was living in. A woman about my age owned the house, and he said that he was renting the basement but her ex husband had shown up and brought in inspectors saying she didn’t have the right to rent it out. So you guessed it, he moved in with me… Everything was going fine, but in May he started to act cold and distant again, so one day, I checked his phone. He was sexting and exchanging dirty pics with several women… I also figured out that when he had given me the silent shortly after we met that he had tried to date another girl (talking online, met up with her and her friends, etc…), saying that I was great and amazing in bed but that the heart knew what the heart wanted… I confronted him and told him he had to move out. He apologized and promised it would never happen again, and I forgave him… Things from then on were like a roller coaster. I was emotional and didn’t trust him at all, so we frequently got into arguments. I often felt awful about my mood swings and worked very hard to forgive him completely, and eventually I did. Then in August he started acting distant again, even changed the code on his phone, and was constantly watching porn and I believe he was talking to other women online but have no proof. We stopped having sex entirely and when I would bring it up he would just change subjects. About a week ago, he was texting me that he was confused. That he had been “looking” at another girl. He said he felt really guilty for being attracted to her and that he was going to go get a drink after work to calm down because he was upset. After waiting for him for hours, I realized that he was probably not coming home… I gathered his clothes and put them in the basement, with a note asking him to move out in September. He has given me the silent treatment ever since. He had loaned me the book “Women” by Charles Bukowski. The book goes on a on about this man using woman after woman for anything and everything, and having sex with any woman that would even get near him, and completely treating them like they were objects. I think he was telling me what he was: a whore who was using me for my house… A narcissist… I’m upset and now believe that the woman he was living with when I met him was actually his girlfriend (even though he denied ever having any relations with her), and that he’s already dating the new girl. I can’t tell what is real, and what is my paranoia. I also understand that I will probably never get the truth… Is he a narcissist or am I crazy?!?

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2016 at 11:30 am Reply

      Hi Marie,

      Good God…is he gone now? I hope so, girl. Whether he’s a narc or not (which it certainly sounds like he is) you have to know he is just a piece of shit. TRUST YOUR INSTINCT!!! I have no doubt that the girl he was living with was his girlfriend – of course she was. You are not paranoid nor are you crazy and you are NOT the problem.

      As for getting the truth, no…you will never get it from him. However, you should be comfortable and confident in the truth that you know. Your instincts were right every time you had that little doubt about something. Hopefully he is gone from your life and blocked from ever being able to contact you again.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Sharon

    August 29, 2016 at 11:08 am Reply

    Hi Zaria. I am reading your book for the second time. I relate to everything you say. I had a low level narcissist. Lived in my home and I started a business and took him in as a partner. He wouldn’t do his share of the work on the business and never did his share in the home. We had to buy separate food because he didn’t want to share the expense of the food for my teenage daughter. He wanted everything of mine but didn’t want to share any thing of his. He had other narc characteristics. Never ever took responsibility for his hurts. Never and he gaslight end often. Said things then denied. But I want you to know i kicked him to the curb 8 months ago. Slowly led dooming contact now virtually contact free. Only occassionally to pick up my monthly check. I sold him my company.
    My question is that you talk a lot about cheating and other woman. On that front I’m sure there was no other woman but he was still a full fledge parasitic narcissist. After I read your books I sometimes questioned whether he was because there was no other woman. But I was totally used. He occassionally helped fix things around the house but always with an attitude

    • Zari Ballard

      September 3, 2016 at 12:08 am Reply

      Hi Sharon,

      Oh, narcissists always cheat or have something going on. None of us ever thought that or wanted to believe it. But, look, even if he didn’t “cheat”, so what? He treated you and your daughter like shit and used you beyond belief!!! You did the right thing and good for you!!!! Enjoy your freedom and don’t have any doubts – not a single one!

      Be free and happy, sister!

      Zari xo

  • S F

    August 19, 2016 at 8:22 pm Reply

    Thank you for this. I just “broke up” with a narcissist. We had a 2 yr relationship in our early 20s that was all bad for me. He used me and it finally ended when I found someone new. Then 20 years later he finds me on fb and what started out as a friendship turned into me cheating on my husband and kicking him out all because this now 41 year old man convinced me that he had changed. I bought it hook, line and sinker. Let him meet my kids because he didn’t want to be a secret. He bought groceries and spent money on them. That part bothers me the most. He told my daughter that he loved me. But a month and a half later, after I loaned him money, he stopped talking to me. I was devastated. I ended up finding out he had another girlfriend while we were together. That’s when I looked up narcissists and sociopaths and I couldn’t believe how everything fit him to a tee. So now he is still trying to keep in contact, on his terms of course. It’s been a month since he discarded me. I blocked his number and he started emailing me. I finally told him today in an email that I’m done and it’s over. My husband and I are working on our relationship and he forgives me for what happened. He also acknowledges his part (we were already having trouble in our marriage). I feel like I was lucky because the narc showed his true colors in less than 3 months. I feel for anyone that is in this situation, especially for years. Even for the short time it was, I feel so violated. I am getting better with every passing day, but the feelings of still wanting him are there, even though I know what he is. I know I’ll get passed this. It will just take time.

  • Jennifer

    March 16, 2016 at 2:21 am Reply

    Good day seems that I left a marriage for this —— ???? I really don’t believe I’ve done that I I have to be very honest about GOD that led me to this site and on a whim I just entered a search criteria and this site came up. I am a nurse and I didn’t specialize in pyschiatry even standard pychiatry deals with schizrophenia etc however N stands gruesome pathetic unbelievable
    I am in this relationship for 22 yrs. Thankfully never married him and have two children with him whom he’s never supported. I didn’t trust him thought that I’m doomed to stay in this relationship but ladies take note Psalm 91 and God getting u out of the fowlers snare. For self preservation I listened to Lady a song written by Lionel Richie and making that as GOD singing it to me and making the Lord ur Maker your husband I may sound overtly religious however He has been my strenght. I had something to compare him to aand that being my husband this ass sought only to embarass

    • Zari Ballard

      March 18, 2016 at 7:13 pm Reply

      Amen, sister! I’m grateful too that you were led to my blog and I hope you find nothing but comfort and validation here. I’m here to support you. I survived and you can too!

      Zari xo

  • Maryam

    November 25, 2015 at 1:08 am Reply

    Since I’ve started reading your articles Step by step I get improved.. It was such a relief to know all about my narcissist ex bf and yes breaking up with that jerk was easier than what I thought before.. Know I completely get over him and move on easily, I’m happy without any regret or wishes to take him back 🙂 thank you very much…

  • JulianneUK

    August 2, 2015 at 6:45 am Reply

    Hello Zari

    I’ve been in a ‘relationship’ (I can’t even call it that…) with a narcissist I met online, for four draining years.
    The hot and cold, seduce and discard, I recognise so very clearly from reading your blog. ‘Crock of Shit’ is indeed a very good way to describe it.
    The guy I met was super charming, a real dream boat (aren’t they all)…4 years later, and I am an emotional wreck and seriously out of pocket financially.
    I can’t bring myself to list the whole relationship debacle here, it is too awful! Lets just give an example….I went to spend a weekend with him recently after he encouraged me and bombarded me every day….As soon as I got home he ignored me, then said he was going away for a week ‘incommunicado’ to meditate and think about his life …YEAH RIGHT!
    After that week (someone else no doubt….) he was back on the scene, schmoozing me again to go over for a holiday, days of texts and sending me pictures (always of him he he he how narcissistic is that?) then…this weekend, he has vanished.
    My (I am sorry to say) pleading texts have been met with stony replies. I asked for a time to talk to him and he said He wasn’t able to answer, and could I be patient. 🙁
    My response, for the first time in 4 years, has been to tell him where to go.
    I am very distressed by this and could do with someone to talk to. Is your phone service completely confidential?
    Despite it all…and it has been the gimmest experience of my entire life!…I still have a sense of humour. Every time he sent a picture of himself…which was daily! I thought ” you vain sod”…and he never asked for a pic of me he he.
    Look forward to any comments at this very very difficult time.
    Thanks everyone

    Julianne

  • Sheryl Lockard

    July 20, 2015 at 7:57 pm Reply

    Just downloaded your book. Incredible! Been with an N for 5 years. He was unfaithful from the beginning, lied, disappeared and threatened suidcide on an average of once a week. Moved in with him a year ago. He became silent, meaner, and thru temper tantrums constantly. Usually happened when I would ask him for help with projects or he was caught contacting other women. I moved into my own home 6 months ago and continued to see him, dinner and so on. I have been repulsed sexually because of his unfaithfulness, sex once in the last 6 months. I was so frightened to totally disconnect from him for fear he would kill himself. I know of one attempt. He was great to be with the past 6 months but last week the garbage started again. I am an intelligent women and have had many life changing moments. Some good and some devastating. I won’t beat myself up for being deceived by an N. So far so good no pain, no desire to call him, just a quiet breeze of freedom. Have always loved music and dancing, today was the first time in years that I heard the words to a song and felt the music, what a renewal. As for your book it reinforced everything I already knew plus more. Thank you so very much. As for today I am at peace, no longer feel frightened, have no desire to hear from him and don’t give a damn about his welfare. As for revenge not even an issue, I see him as a contaminated, vile, sick human. The No Call rule is in place. Everything is blocked. As for those that are suffering in an N relationship, please read Narcissist Free it is a suvival guide, great reinforcement for moments the pain comes back and it could save your life.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 23, 2015 at 6:33 pm Reply

      Sheryl wrote…I won’t beat myself up for being deceived by an N. So far so good no pain, no desire to call him, just a quiet breeze of freedom. Have always loved music and dancing, today was the first time in years that I heard the words to a song and felt the music, what a renewal. Amen!

      Hi Sheryl,

      Thank you for writing and for reading my book. If you can, I would so appreciate it if you’d leave a review at Amazon:)

      I love the way you have expressed the immediate feelings you are having…the breeze of freedom and finally hearing music and feeling it. Those feelings will come and go and then one day very soon you will realize they are here to stay. That they have come back. I’m grateful that you have your own place where you can recover in peace and I’m grateful that you aren’t beating yourself up. How can we really blame ourselves for caring about another human soul or about assuming that the person we love is telling us the truth? Neither is a flaw by any means. The key is to understand that this person can not be fixed and does not want to be fixed and that we deserve to be happy.

      Stay strong and feel free to write anytime. I am here to support you!

      Zari xo

  • Misty

    July 9, 2015 at 7:18 pm Reply

    Good evening everyone and Zari

    These people have serious serious traumas that they are running from in their childhood. Like these people are soooooo fucked up; you have to be to inflict pain on someone and are happy about it. My N was classic for all of these characteristics. In my case, I couldn’t understand why I was in a relationship but felt alone all at the same damn time. Then it clicked….this is also a familiar feeling. Why was it familiar? My mother is a narcissist. How your able to be on this constant roller coaster ride? In my case, I was raised by a Narc so I’ve been “taught” how to deal with this. It seems to be the typical. Co dependent and narcicissists fit like a hand in a glove. During and after my relationship I did a lot of reflecting and soul searching; these people will tear you into pieces. I thank him for waking me up; making me see he’s not the only person who had issues in the relationship. No contact is the only way; it sends them into a tailspin….and I LOVE watching this bitch squirm…..to listen to a vm to hear him distraught? EPIC!!! What goes around comes around. Best revenge? Become the whole person you were meant to be and be happy. Isn’t it a sad life that the only way you can be happy is because of another person? That’s a narc life and thats sad.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 14, 2015 at 4:29 pm Reply

      Misty wrote…Best revenge? Become the whole person you were meant to be and be happy. Isn’t it a sad life that the only way you can be happy is because of another person? That’s a narc life and thats sad.

      Amen, sister! Feel free to share your insight anytime….

      Zari xo

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