Okay, so why do we stay with a narcissistic abuser even when we know better? Even when we, as smart, educated, and “normal” people, realize that something about this person is uncomfortably off? Even as we watch the last slivers of our former self – the person we were before the narc – fly out the window? Well, the answer is amazingly complicated and don’t let anyone outside of your relationship realm tell you differently.
Since nothing about a relationship with a narcissist is normal, there will be nothing normal about the break-up. The truth is that unless a person has experienced life with a narc first-hand, they will never understand exactly what you are going through. So, pay no mind to the incessant “friendly” advice from friends and loved ones (“Why can’t you leave!” or “I don’t understand you. Just walk out!”). Only you and you alone can write the ending to the story. It is up to you, as the narcissist’s victim partner, to come to your senses. The catch, however, is that you need to do it without guilt or self-judgment. Having guilt, shame or self-judgment will only keep you lingering in the loop. You must set all that aside in order to get the recovery ball rolling.
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Understand that the majority of the behaviors that get us into emotional trouble with a narc actually stem from our good qualities. Think about it…it’s our tendency to never quit that makes us stay past closing time and, under normal circumstances, we’d be praised for that! The same goes for our willingness to forgive and our penchant for being compassionate and patient. A person could certainly have worse qualities! The problem with a narc-situation is that none of this is ever reciprocated and this is where is gets mixed up. The human brain simply isn’t prepared to have feelings and emotions so completely rejected and, thus, the question of why we stay becomes a true source of personal angst. So, to start, lets take a look at just a few of the many complicated and crazy reasons why we do might to stay with a narcissistic abuser:
- Because if we could only make them understand, everything would work itself out. I don’t know about you but, as the years passed, I became more and more obsessed with making my ex – the narcissist – understand the awfulness of his own mind-boggling behaviors. His actions were often so hurtful that I thought surely if I could make him understand that pulling a month-long silent treatment for no reason at all was just wrong, we could live happily ever after. Obviously, this never happened. I do believe that 95% of us stay in the relationship just a little bit longer, allowing the narc to come back just one more time, for this very reason. We think that perhaps we didn’t explain it well enough the last time or maybe it’s that awful childhood with a narcissistic mother that gets him a pass or who knows but this time we’re going to make him understand that he just can’t do that! So we explain and explain – sometimes calmly and sometimes wildly – that it’s his sketchy cell phone antics, mysterious disappearances and reappearances, and all those pathological lies that are the root of the problems and cause of the break-ups. We figure that anyone with half a brain would understand that we are right (because we are!) and do their best to fix it. After all, doesn’t he want a normal relationship? So we explain, plead, and even bargain but all we get is the infamous blank stare. And then another year goes by.
. - Because, after all, nobody’s perfect! Since we can never quite understand what the narcissist is thinking when he’s behaving so badly, we bargain with logic to make excuses for it. Perhaps he’s just having a bad day or maybe we really were acting like drama queens or being too sensitive or jealous. Even though, in all past relationships (even those that ended badly), we never remember feeling so horribly uneasy, maybe, this time, it really IS us and we should cut the guy some slack. Even though, in past relationships, we never felt compelled to be super sleuth investigators about anything, perhaps now we really are making mountains out of molehills. After all, nobody’s perfect, right? So when the narcissist returns, we choose to pick our battles and forgive and forget. And then another year goes by.
. - Because the truth is that we never really have any concrete proof of anything! How is it possible that, despite having swift spidey senses and amazing super-sleuth abilities, we can’t ever seem to produce undeniable concrete evidence? Some might say Well, maybe that’s because there is nothing to find but I say that’s bullshit. Narcissists and sociopaths know EXACTLY how to keep their worlds from colliding. Mine would look right at me and say “You can’t prove that.” It’s all about creating plausible deniability. A narc will duck and dodge and talk in riddles and punish us for asking questions…all with the intent of silencing our suspicions. Even our intuition (which NEVER lies) is no match for this deception. A narcissist in the Game of Life is in it to win it. Everything – all day, every day – is about what he can get away it. He keeps his shenanigans so on the down low that even with evidence dropping all around, he rarely, if ever, gets caught. And because he knows that we want (more than anything) to believe he is loyal, he’s not exactly worried about it. To us, the evidence we do have never seems to be quite enough. So, we stay in the relationship if only to hold out for the one puzzle piece that will be undeniable…and another year goes sadly by.
. - Because he always eventually returns so he really must love me!! This is probably our #1 reason for staying with a narcissist and it couldn’t be farther from the truth. If the partner we love truly loved us back, he wouldn’t leave at all let alone leave and return over and over and over. My ex would disappear every year in October and not resurface until after the new year, conveniently missing every important holiday in between and shirking all relationship responsibilities. This guy would literally vanish and each time he did, I suffered as if it was the first time. Since he always returned, usually feigning amnesia as to why we ever broke up, I thought we were destined to be together. I mean, what guy in their right mind would keep returning over and over to someone he didn’t love, right? I figured surely one of his reappearances would stick. One time, amazed that he was back, I demanded to know why, based on his history, I should even consider it. To this, he announced “Those days are over!” and it was mighty convincing. In previous years, his replies ranged from “What does it matter? I’m here now” to a shrug of the shoulder so this newest comeback from his bag of tricks gave me great hope! When the narcissist proclaims his “love”, we simply want to believe. Sadly, we continually settle for crumbs…and then another year goes by. For me, it was just nine short months until the next October.
. - Because we simply want to see what the fuck is going to happen next. Even better, when we’ve been in it long enough to predict the narc’s next move, then we stay to see if what we’ve predicted is going to come true. It usually does and then being right becomes the addiction! Crazy? Maybe…but yup, that’s what we do. And then another year goes by.
You can escape the madness, my friends, and I can help you. I do it every day, all day with people all over the world. There is no magic fix but relief is possible. It all begins with understanding. If you want to talk about it, call me. This is a crazy life we lead and recovery from narcissist abuse has got to be a team effort.
NAR Support That Works
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Karen
May 27, 2018 at 7:18 amMy ‘narc’ financially supports this once very independant woman; now 72, with multiple medical (and financial) concerns.
Yes, I see the untruths and need to always be ‘right’ no matter the cost.
I moved into my own home two years ago as a means of relieving the intensity of his moods.
Thought I was still the spirited independent me I’ve always been. However I am physically no longer that person.
I know at 42, 52, etc., he and I would be history. Being together 17 years (married) and me dependent (even on his cooking), I know that no matter his mood state, when I am unwell he shows up immediatelly, and yes, I am well aware that feeds his needy ego.
Most of my ‘friends’ are deceased; forcing me to wonder if I can keep myself ‘comfortable’, yet ignore the ‘narc pieces’ that show themselves every 3 weeks or so…
Never before needy!
Vyasa Varanasi
March 24, 2018 at 5:20 pmadmiral? like a navy commander? surely you mean admirable. one who is admired. And collaborated? you worked together on siomething? you must mean corroborated. asfor the topic. i cant seem to shake this girl who is a total narcissist. im talking 9/9. she cheats on me in the laundry room, and in oura house when im asleep. i recorded it. and i just confronted her. she wasnt sure how to react. but she took off and is now ignoring me. i told her im done since shes ignoring me. now shes sent me 4 txt msgs but i wont check em. i desperately want to be rid of her…
Linda
February 9, 2018 at 12:44 amHi Zari, I have been in this same situation for over 18 years now. We split for a year because the day he moved me over to where he lives (not into his place) he walked out on me & moved the woman he had been cheating on me with in with him. Since then he has tossed her out & moved her friend in. They are no longer together although she still lives there. But through it all except for that year, we have had a sexual relationship. I want so bad to find the courage & strength to kick him totally & completely out of my life forever but I cave every time he shows up. I know he is just using me & I fall all over myself to do anything he wants or even mentions even after all the unbelievable, horrible pain he’s put me through so many times. I keep letting him back in so he can hurt me all over again & he never fails to do exactly that. He knows he can do whatever he wants & treat me like total garbage & I’ll still let him back in. He respects absolutely nothing I say & why should he? I need to eliminate him from my life but I can’t do it even knowing exactly what he’s all about & what he’s going to do. Even knowing that I’m just a fill in when he’s giving his current victims the silent treatment & that he’ll do the same to me in short order. Why can’t I let go?
PS: We too have great sex & I know that’s a big part of my weakness. Plus I think I’m afraid of being totally alone & not having him in my life anymore. It’s like I settle for whatever crumbs I can get. (which is exactly what my father taught me to do because I groveled my entire life for any love & attention from him also.) I need to get on with my life & maybe find someone who might really care about me, before it’s to late, I’m 61 & know better but it’s just a neverending cycle with this cheating narcissist & I can’t break free. I constantly feel like a pathetic, weak, failure.
Suzanne
December 25, 2017 at 2:48 pmMerry Christmas Zari, help please, 13 years trying to make it work or try to move on. We’ve both played the field trying to move on but never break the connection. We have never lived fully together. I know it’s over,I know it will never work, I know he’s tells me he’s now with someone else since July and think he loves her, But I know he’s been coming to mine every week trying to catch me with someone else and says he doesn’t know what he wants, but that we have a connection, albeit I know it’s just sexual now and still every week he’s in my bed. I understand through the help of all your books and this, how he thinks, but I can’t get to the bottom of why I struggle with following through with ‘no contact’. Why am I so weak. How do I get to the bottom of my issues of why I hold on? I’m looking at her Facebook now and they’ve flown from Britain to her home town in Brazil. But I know when he’s back he will be round again. Nobody gets it, why am I so weak? Why when it’s obvious to a blind man that he uses me for sexual gratification that I still hold on, when I know it’s so wrong. I feel like I’m as bad as him now, I even insist on pocket money when he comes just so I feel a little less used. Help, I’m an intelligent woman but so weak! How do I prepare for the eventual drop by upon his return. You think the fact that he’s threatened me with losing me my job if I interfere in his new relationship would be enough to steer clear but am I deep down thinking keep your enemies near until someone sweeps me off my feet, but know they won’t get near until I let go, but how without understanding my motivations? Maybe I’m so scared of being totally alone?. I’m 51. Help. X
Zari Ballard
January 20, 2018 at 6:40 pmHi Suzanne,
I apologize for how long it has taken me to respond. Yes, 13 years is a long time to be holding on but that’s exactly how long I held in there too…13 years. And I held in there for the sex as well which was great all the way up until the last day. Still, to this day and even after I wrote books about our relationship, he still sends me FB friend requests. So yes it’s hard but here’s the deal: the relationship is just not sustainable. It comes down to that. He threatens you. He’s a piece of shit and has no intention of ever being yours – ever. You have no other choice. It can’t work girl! Sure, the age thing may have a lot to do with it and I was 51 when I got out too (hmmmm…are you ME? lol) but you’ll never have a chance of EVER finding anyone else if you stay – and we know how fast the years fly by. Do not wait…you only have one life and he will waste it away if you allow it. He just doesn’t care.
You are in a predicament. Please book some talk time with me so we can work it out. I have helped many many people get out of it. It’s all about changing your perspective. Although it’s no easy fix, having a cheerleader on your side (me) is a big boost up and out of the darkness. You CAN do this…
Zari xo
Rob
December 16, 2017 at 3:30 pm“Because we simply want to see what the fuck is going to happen next. Even better, when we’ve been in it long enough to predict the narc’s next move, then we stay to see if what we’ve predicted is going to come true. It usually does and then being right becomes the addiction! Crazy? Maybe…but yup, that’s what we do. And then another year goes by.”
This so totally right! Its the reason i keep thinking about my ex (female), even though i ended the relationship because of her being a malignant narcissist. Somehow i regret not being able to play the game anymore…indeed predicting her moves and seeing how she manipulated me (in surprisingly cheap ways btw) getting it all her way. In a way i was fascinated with it. So predictable…so surprisingly selfish…so strange. But more evil then i expected, more cruel, more selfish then a normal person can even imagine.
Playing the game with her, yes it fascinated me and got me addicted,……but not a wise thing to do; in the end she used my addiction against me without even knowing it . And its just to hard to be close to someone you consider your partner…. and not wanting to see good things and love. So you always trick yourself to love again. Even when you know the game, you always lose, simply because creating an addiction never was the plan in the first place. But that’s all you do in a relationship with a narcissist; creating an addiction.
Why so hard to get out: addicted
Why so hard to recover and let go: addicted
Did anyone plan to create an addiction; no
That is why your mind is so screwed up when its ended. Sad.
Thanks for your blog and info!
Zari Ballard
January 10, 2018 at 7:31 pmHi Rob, yup…we become addicted to the very drama that we hate. It’s a normal feeling when you’re with a narc.. Now, however, you have to be confident in the truth that you ALREADY know….that being what she is and what she did. AND that you ended it. Good for you…stay free, brother. You saved your own life…..it’s just a matter of your heart catching up with your head and it sounds like it almost there. Re-training your brain back to normal doesn’t happen overnight. Best of luck to you, brother:)
Zari:)
Diana Prince
December 3, 2017 at 4:06 amHi Zari, I am a couple of months out of an n relationship (after 18 months). I was going no contact, until my ex sent me a message that his uncle died. I did not read nor respond to his Wattsap message, so then his elderly mum sent me a Wattsap message saying that her son wanted to let me know that her brother died. Of course, not wishing to seem like an a**hole, I replied to her saying that I was sad etc…..and then I sent the same message to my ex – so that I would not look like an uncaring a**hole to him, either, and then he replied with a thank you and a large X. BTW, my ex n is 53 years old!! So having his mum send me a message just seems odd in itself. I have no obligation to my ex or his family and yet, he used both validation and control in one fell swoop, which feels like a double whammy. I am so angry at myself for breaking no contact, and although I have read many articles about what the expect and how to react, I cannot seem to let go. I’m already out there dating again, and yet, my ex has this nasty hold over me which I cannot shake off. Ideally, I would like a one on one consultation with you to discuss my relationship, please. I live in the UK, and I hope we’d be able to figure out a suitable time to do this. Thank you.
Zari Ballard
December 3, 2017 at 5:02 pmHi Diana,
I would be happy to speak with you, girl…I speak with people all the time from the UK using the Viber app. Go to this link and book some time and I will work out the time difference and send you some times to choose from. No worries….lets figure it out:)
Zari xo
Joanna
January 6, 2018 at 7:26 pmHi Zari,
I wanted to thank you for your ongoing support since 2015. All of our phone sessions have helped me be narc free without guilt or shame. I know once you attract a narc especially if you are an empath they all come out the woodwork. I appreciate you taking time out of your damn near booked schedule to listen to new prospects I was dating and decide if worth pursuing. Your right our suffering changes nothing! You are my hero and an expert in this field. I thank you for count less phone sessions while juggling so many others caught in similar if not worse situations. You made lemonade out a bad situation and ladies and gentlemen we can as well. I had to stop in 2018 to say happy New Year and thank you again for not only narc therapy but being a business professional friend.
Zari Ballard
January 10, 2018 at 6:18 pmThank you, sister! I am proud of everything you have done throughout our time together. It’s all you, girl….you did it all:)
Love & Hugs,
Zari xoxo
Janice
October 24, 2017 at 12:02 pmi have been with this guy for 12 years, according to him when we met he was single – had left ‘her’ over a year previously but were sharing their Son and his upbringing, I thought this to be quite admiral as my ex husband left me with 3 children under the age of 12 totally disappeared off the face of the earth and re-emerged with younger model in tow some 9 years later when the youngest had just turned 18 years old with the comment ‘you are all grown adults now and not my responsibility’.
So Mr New Guy I thought was admiral in this, and his reasons for not being with her was that they continually argued, she felt that she had a full time job and therefore was not looking after Son and Partner so they all fended for themselves, I was also told that she was not welcome in his family there had been some really bad blood years prior to the birth of their Son, this was collabrated by his Brother and Wife, his Dad and other friends of whom I met and spend time with on a fairly regular basis, and no-one seemed to think that we were not a couple, and other members of his family told me that he was single, that he left her, that things were not good at their home, and that he had moved out and was living on his own, which I was aware of, during our first year he met with my children and all was really good, after two years he moved in with me and one year later moved out, we did break up through our own means, then some 5 months later he calls, and hey heart does somersaults and we are back in a relationship – taking it slowly. I move, hoping he is moving with me too but a couple of excuses, work related, so I let these go, and now look back it was year upon year upon year. Then in May this year, for whatever reason, I just dont know I decided to drive past where he lived, not there, and so where ‘she lived’ and hey guess what he is there. So before I get the urge to storm in, I am spotted and he comes out, telling me we need to talk, having a total meltdown we return to my house separately and here he drops the bombshell I moved back with her some 2 ish years ago!!! OMG life has now hit rock bottom.
Talking for days on this, because, me couldnt say this is the end, it was more of why, and why did I not see this! So the upshot became he is in Therapy, trying to find out why he led two separate lives, and me – a total wreck, still giving him a chance – is this wrong is he a narcissist, and why did I not know, see signs etc, we are, at present, split as he agrees we are making each other ill, and he has texted and said just give him time he will make this right, and will be there for me! When!.
Zari Ballard
November 12, 2017 at 11:33 pmHi Janice,
At some point, what does it matter if there is a label to define him? Awful is awful. Stay away from him. If you hadn’t of been spotted (translation: if you hadn’t busted him red handed), he’d still be hanging out with his live-in girlfriend. Who cares what he learns in therapy? In my opinion, therapy is to make him actually look as if he gives a shit. Why should you put your life on hold while he supposedly figures out why he is such a pathological lying cheater. What a crock of shit on his part. OMG. Nothing redeemable about anyone who does that, narcissist or not.
Zari xo