A narcissistic lover will always leave us with an uncomfortable feeling – a nagging suspicion of something sinister going on that we can’t quite put our finger on. It’s an anxious, something just ain’t right feeling that far surpasses any other feeling of discomfort we might have experienced in, say, any other dysfunctional relationship. You might even find yourself staring at the back of this person’s head wondering if you even know him at all.
I’m talking about the nagging feeling that you get when he “innocently” forgets to call even one time (and you’re not a jealous person) or when he tells you a ridiculous, illogical story to explain why he wasn’t at home this morning when you stopped by (to see why he hadn’t called last night) or when he changes his phone number, playing The Cell Phone Game, for the fifth time this year (out of the blue) and couldn’t care less about explaining that at all. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: those feelings.
And when you bring these feelings that you’re having to this person’s attention, the reaction is instantly defensive. You are accused of being insecure, called a Drama Queen, and made to believe that you’re making mountains out of molehills. As a result, you’ve probably begun to say nothing at all when these feelings arise for fear of initiating what you already know will be the punishment – a silent treatment, perhaps, or some similarly weird, unexplained disappearance lasting a week or two and maybe more. Is it his fault? Is it your fault? What the fuck is going on?
It’s time to start listening to your intuition (because it’s never wrong). It’s time to stop and recognize who and what you are dealing with, my friend. Passive-aggressive narcissistic manipulation can be the most spirit-breaking kind of abuse imaginable simply because it conducts itself in the background of your life all day, every day. Passive-aggressive behaviors are as covert as they are deliberate – make no mistake about this! And the partner who inflicts this type of emotional manipulation does it for the sheer joy of seeing you suffer while he/she gets away with emotional murder (among other things). This partner is a narcissist and the often undefinable nagging feeling we get is what inevitably trauma bonds us to this person. It’s amazing how easily this person can historically reject us no matter hard we try to be what they want us to be.
Make no mistake about this fact and who exactly is the enemy. YOU are NOT the problem.
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Docs_Chic
June 26, 2015 at 5:17 pmE. Mounayar, M.D. – Louisiana
Kristin
April 24, 2015 at 9:57 amWow! This exactly describes the way my boyfriend (on and off for 10 years) treats me. I’m relieved to know that this is a ‘real’ thing and that I’m not ‘imagining’ it and causing ‘drama’ like he tells me. The ‘silent treatments’ are spot on and what finally made me angry enough to end the relationship. I’ve never met anyone who could lie so much about EVERYTHING and even lie about trivial things that don’t matter! My boyfriend is a doctor and he’s supposed to help people..I didn’t expect him to inflict such abuse on me. Unfortunately he did so with ease and always pretending to be the ‘victim’ in his little game. Your website has helped me tremendously. Thank you so much for the articles!
Zari Ballard
April 27, 2015 at 3:34 pmHi Kristin,
I’m grateful that you find my articles helpful! Yes, it’s as if we all had the same guy, isn’t it? If you can, please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will recognize yourself as me, I swear. My story is your story. The silent treatments and the lies are incredible. In the book, I describe how a narcissist lies even when the truth is a better story. It’s all about what they can “get away with” that makes the game so exciting for them. The fact that your narcissist is a doctor only confirms that these predators exist in every walk of life and that we should be careful everywhere. Sad, but true.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Debi
April 1, 2015 at 12:33 amThank you Zari for your quick response! A few things i don’t seem to find through all these posts is that my N was a loner, almost a recluse. We live in a small town where he’s been off and on for years but doesn’t know many people or hasn’t even frequented places in public, that was a mystery to me. I feel like he cant relate to people on a certain level if it’s not talking about himself/work….he has even said he doesn’t like “idle” chitchat.I even began to feel like I didnt want my friends to meet him because we all love to talk about “life”, I don’t think he could! But i stayed because I thought if given time, he’d come out of his “shell”, what the F was i thinking! he was married, 2 kids, divorced after 12 yrs, lived with another for 8 who helped raise his kids and he said both cheated on him. His x of 8 yrs I was told she said she began to feel like a sex slave! This is all so bazaar for me, I LOVED the sex with him, it was such a deep connection which so drew me in and kept me in even though in other areas of the “relationship” I had that uncomfortable feeling! I gotta say…what is wrong with me??!!! I keep thinking i want closure but as you say, it’s more revenge which I guess it is but I dont want him thinking he “won”! I can’t imagine that I would ever hear from him again.
Debi
April 3, 2015 at 3:06 amZari, I can’t find your response to my last email. Not sure if Im following this thread right or not. Please advise, thank you.
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 1:43 amHi Debi,
I see all our posts back and forth right at the top of the comments on this thread. Directly under the article. Do you see it?
Zari xo
Zari Ballard
April 6, 2015 at 12:35 amDebi wrote..I LOVED the sex with him, it was such a deep connection which so drew me in and kept me in even though in other areas of the “relationship” I had that uncomfortable feeling! Been there!
Hi Debi,
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I still think of the sex periodically but, when I do, it’s in an entirely different way. It doesn’t hurt anymore like it used to. I used to think about it and just curl up in a ball and sob like a baby. Now, it’s like I think about it as if it’s happening to someone else (like I’m running a porn flick through my head only it’s me but it’s not!). My point is that you will get to a point where you can think about the whole relationship from start to finish with complete detachment. It will happen but you have to give it that time.
And it doesn’t matter if he “won” or not because a narcissist NEVER EVER thinks that he lost anyway! Even if you somehow “got even”, his revenge on your revenge would be the worst OR he’d justify the break-up BECAUSE of your revenge (because see how psycho she is???) even though the revenge happened after the break-up. Closure has to come from within – there’s no way around it.
I’m not so sure if your N was someone who actually “needed to come out of his shell”, girl. I think he was just a narcissist who felt he was far too interesting for the rest of the world. And that gift of gab will be the biggest turn-off for anyone he meets unless of course he finds that perfect someone who is wonderfully insecure AND mute at the same time. Better them than you!!!!
Stay strong…I know you can do it!!!
Zari xo
Debi
April 9, 2015 at 12:00 pmYou have really helped me to evaluate this lie of a relationship and I can see much more clearly as time passes and he fades more into my past. It’s going on 10 weeks since i last saw him and 6 weeks since I got his last text. Yes I am keeping track of time but I think that has helped too as I feel I get stronger each day and am not feeling that “need” for closure/revenge. What I still question is why I let it continue without standing up for myself and calling it quits, seeing all those red flags in the beginning and having that “uncomfortable” feeling! Why I put up with it, it all just seemed so subtle, it wasn’t anything “in my face” so I thought it more odd. I do like a challenge so I thought I could figure him out! For a small community, it’s my 2nd time attracted to a narcissist without knowing and the 1st was 20+ yrs ago. They did know eachother and my current one hated this other one, now I know why! So I wonder what it is about me, that attracts them??? Better to work on myself than to worry about him though right?
Zari Ballard
April 11, 2015 at 11:58 pmHi Debi,
I grateful to help in any way that I can. As for why we let it continue, look…when we love someone or, at the very least, are interested in someone or are really attracted to them or feel a friendship, it’s normal to assume that when they tell us things, they’re telling us the truth. This is especially true if we’ve never heard of narcissism in the context that we know it now. How can we blame ourselves for that? All we can do is make sure it doesn’t happen to us again. Narcissists use passive-aggression for everything it’s worth and they choose people who are compassionate and empathetic as targets. When we start to “see” or feel that things are “off”, we first believe that it’s possible to “love” them out of their bad behavior and that drags it out a little longer. Then, when that doesn’t work, we try to use logic, explaining to them what they’re doing is wrong, hoping that they’ll see the error of their ways. That drags it out a little longer. Then, we might try leaving, hoping that will make them see the light and that drags it out. We’re definitely not quitters! So, while we can beat ourselves up for why we didn’t leave sooner, it does no good and it not productive at all in my book. There’s nothing abnormal about assuming that the person we love is telling the truth or giving them the benefit of the doubt. Everything is a progression. Life is a progression.
As for them being attracted to you and vice versa, I would have to say that having two relationships with narcissist 20 years apart isn’t relevant and you need not worry about that. Given that there are 3 million of these predators wandering the planet, it’s actually pretty damn good. But now that we know what they are and have actually learned and researched, even if we do meet another narcissist, he’s not going to be attracted to us because he’s going to “sense” that we know and that will ruin all the fun. It’s all about getting back to normal, that’s all. Don’t spend a whole lot of time “working” on yourself unless it’s all about making yourself happy. YOU were never the problem. At least that’s the way I look at it. I’m sure there are a million educated psychologists who would beg to differ with me but – hell – I like my perspective better. We live and learn, sister! Move forward and be aware of your surroundings…it’s all we can do.
Zari xo
R
May 16, 2015 at 3:41 pmLovely post Zari. Thank you. You were never the problem 🙂
Zari Ballard
May 16, 2015 at 5:50 pmHello R,
Thank you for reading and for the kind words:)
Zari xo
Debi
March 31, 2015 at 12:58 amThank God i found you!! And everyone else that will hopefully know exactly what I’m talking about….if he is a true N. I’ve been blindsided but yet I had those “uncomfortable” feelings, saw red flags in the beginning and somehow ignored them all, thinking ok, just give it time!!
Met him 6 mo ago, charming, handsome, so in shape, swept me off my feet, and dear friends brought us together. he was good a pursuing me but on our very first date, i thought it odd how much he talked about himself, That never stopped throughout our dating, it was always about him and he was writing another book…about him and his favorite part of life in Mexico and i swear i lived more in his past, learning about that than him now! He was good, great at everything which he always made sure i knew, tennis, music, major workout aholic, biker, he did everything better than most! At first, he’d make me dinners, play guitar and sing, talk ( about his life) and of course GREAT sex, he talked allot about that too and was very free with it, like testing me now that i think of it, if I’d do this or try that …..which actually excited me, he made me feel more free with it, with him! But there was never emotion involved with it, no words. In the beginning he’d say it was great, had fun, text me for a few afternoon encounters but something always missing and then our times together became once a week. We never went out on dates, always over to his place on a Fri night, spend the night and would usually make breakfast and then i was out the door til next Fri! I did get him out to a Xmas gathering which he always said he hated holidays, He is not an extrovert with other people unless he’s talking about work, his book or himself, I don’t recall too many “normal” conversations just about life! He did get me a Xmas gift and birthday but now i wonder if it was just to pacify.To get to why i searched you out to find some answers was his disappearance a few months ago!!! Our last night together I sensed was weird, didnt hear from him for a few weeks, texted him and he said he felt cooped up and need to get away so he was visiting family, back in a few days. He said “I didnt think it was necessary to check in”!! And if you’re angry than i dont know what else to say”! This was driving me crazy, I dont even think I was myself as i felt I was going crazy, what the F just happened??? Throughout a few more texts,(he wouldn’t answer my calls) he told me to settle down and then the final text was “I’m not used to being monitored, and this is something I won’t deal with” I texted him, I’m not used to being so blatantly disregarded and i don’t deal well with that”!! This was 1 month ago, no word from him. Since then I have been reading allot and I do think he is definitely an N! I really felt I saw glimpses of a caring man (which kept me in the relationship) and would never have imagined him to do this! I see now it was never a relationship! So much I left out but in just 6 months, i feel like he’s shattered my soul!!! Oh and my dear friends were shocked! Thank you for listening 🙂
Zari Ballard
March 31, 2015 at 9:07 pmHi Debi,
Thank you for sharing and, even though it hurts right now, I do believe that you’ve dodged a bullet. Narcissists either talk about themselves constantly OR they make everything in the relationship about them (even if they don’t talk about it) which is what mine did. In other words, the relationship becomes about their problems, their chaos, their inability to be a decent person. Others, like yours, consume the conversations with their exploits, good or bad, and keep you fascinated until one day they just up and drop you like a hot potato. Either way, it’s very painful and no one should have to go through it. My ex, too, took me nowhere…it was either to his house or my house for the weekends and this went on for 13-years. If you can, please read my book When Love Is a Lie (Amazon) because it will confirm for you what you obviously already know. You will recognize the passive-aggressive behaviors all too well but you will also feel empowered by how I pulled myself out of it. Sometimes we need to see our life on the pages of someone else’s story to grasp what happened and make sense of the whole thing.
I understand the pain and rejection that you feel but be strong and know that you escaped in under a year (which is a big accomplishment). You have to get a handle on it now because I suspect he will return when you least expect it with some simple text wanting to see you or whatever. The best thing for you to do is BLOCK HIS NUMBER so that he can’t contact you even if he wanted to. Narcissists only return to ensure that you are still in the queue like all the others. It’s a game of push and pull that will never end and he will always have someone else just like you in the wings. No matter how nice he appeared to be, he wasn’t. He has no respect for you or your feelings and the game of seduce and discard will repeat itself forever if you allow it. It’s simply what he does.
Please read the book…I believe it will change your perspective and get you on the right path to never allowing it to happen again! I’ll be here if you need me…
Zari xo
J
March 20, 2015 at 6:12 pmIMPORTANT POST, EVERYONE! – Zari
Zari, it has been a year since I posted. Healing does occur and it’s slow and baby steps. It does get better. NC helped for me as well as a counselor who led a class about narcissistic abuse. From there I met other women that also had relationships with a N.
For a full year I was marking the anniversaries: one year since we met, one year since we rode our bikes and he’d met another girl and was communicating with her via FB (triangulation), one year since our trip and our big argument and he said, “you’ve just got to trust me.”, (ha!), one year since my special birthday, one year since he’d gotten drunk at BWW, one year, blah blah blah. And then finally it was one year since we’d broken up. And then I no longer felt the desire to mark the anniversaries.One really odd one was at the one year from our 1st date. I was feeling strong and moving forward, and then I got an email that had the look of spam, except in the addressee line were other women I was familiar with that had come after me. All it said was how are you? plus his name. I ignored it and it threw me off of my feeling strong mode. After a few days I felt better. At the one year of our break up I received the same “how are you” email. I emailed my counselor. Some coincidence? Probably not. I didn’t reply. I’d long ago blocked his cell number and blocked him from FB. We had 1 mutual FB friend and I’d had a conversation with her that something didn’t seem right, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I pray a lot that she and her husband will know that the Narc is unhealthy and his behavior with one more woman into their group isn’t to be admired but unheatlhy for their children to be around. And I pray that my postings on FB about abuse would be seen by her and she’d realize through the power of suggestion what was going on. A few weeks ago the group of them had posted a photo of him from the night we’d all attended a wedding reception. I intensely looked at his eyes and noticed how dark, unhealthy, menacing, and arrogant he looked. Again this threw me off for a few days. Last week I scrolled too far down her FB page and saw the photo again, and instead of looking back with memories, the voice in my head said, “What was I thinking!”
Be gentle with yourselves out there and know that getting your strength back is your defense and on the path to recovery. It’s hard not to look at photos, FB posts, google him. You get stronger every time you resist. We are human and we fall. And we get right back up. Without him you are free!
Get support from others and congregate with others here to know you’re not alone. His sick behavior continues. Arm yourself with knowledge and read, read, read.
Also know that there can be narcissistic women in our lives too. And those can be pruned off as well.
I don’t know how I’ll ever meet anyone again. It will be harder to trust. I’m certainly capable of a healthy relationship. And I love and like people.
Zari, I continue to read your blog and posts to remind myself. Thank you. Your reach and advocacy is farther than you know.
Zari Ballard
March 22, 2015 at 8:59 pmJ wrote...Be gentle with yourselves out there and know that getting your strength back is your defense and on the path to recovery. It’s hard not to look at photos, FB posts, google him. You get stronger every time you resist. We are human and we fall. And we get right back up. Without him you are free!
Hi J,
I placed an “Important Post” note above your comment because I believe everyone needs to read it. I’m really proud of you for coming this far…of remaining free! I understand so well how one little blurb from him can throw us off but the important thing is that we get back on the wagon and keep riding. You are doing so well…let nothing stand in your way. Keep writing and reading and sharing your wisdom. I feel that the more me pay our recovery forward, the more momentum we gain from a very understanding Universe. We have a right to be happy, sister!
As for meeting someone else, it’s been 2 1/2 years for me and, honestly, I haven’t even put myself out there. I’m not saying that I don’t think about it because I do but if it happens, great…if it doesn’t, I’ll live. The longer it goes, the more I realize this one very important thing: if and when I do meet someone, I can honestly say with utmost confidence that I will bring no baggage to the relationship. And the same will work for you. It won’t be harder to trust because you will have worked out that issue just with the passing of time. Remember, WE were not the problem and the fact that we trusted the person that we loved was not a flaw on our part in any way. But now we are aware and I do believe that, if enough time has passed (meaning that we shouldn’t jump into another relationship anyway), when we are in situations to meet people, narcissists will not be attracted to us. They will recognize a strength that they want no part of and we will recognize an evil in the same way. So be it!
Thank you for writing and I couldn’t have said a word of it better myself. Thank you for the update and feel free to stop by here anytime to share the wisdom of your journey with others – it is much appreciated:) You have it going on, girl, so give yourself the credit and love that you deserve. From me, I’m sending you hugs across the miles!!
Zari xo
Christine
April 9, 2015 at 11:26 pmGreat post J! I also stopped counting the “anniversaries” a while back and my 8th month of no contact sneaked up on me before I knew it! By now, it’s so second nature I barely think of it any longer. I’m glad you’ve found your strength again.
In terms of meeting someone else, it is possible. I’m dating someone else right now who adores me and consistently treats me with such respect. I didn’t do anything all that special, just give a nice guy a chance. It feels very different from the narcissist, which is obviously a good thing! I am always very happy to hear from him and spend time with him, but he somehow doesn’t give me that desperate, frenzied feeling my narcissist did and leave me waiting by the phone, which I think is great–shows this is a healthier relationship. Oh heck, even if it ends tomorrow I’ll be just fine and that normal breakup would be a cake walk compared to the narcissist.
In the end, meeting anyone else it isn’t so much about trusting other people. It’s about trusting yourself. It’s about trusting your own instincts, trusting your own judgment and trusting that you will recognize what’s good for you. It’s about trusting that now that you’ve educated yourself and are wiser now, you will know who is worth investing your time with and will never waste it with another narc ever again.
Of course, not that I’m encouraging anyone to jump into anything with someone else right away (goodness no, straighten this crap out first!) But over time, there is a world of better people waiting for us out there and we can still experience real love.
Zari Ballard
April 26, 2015 at 12:34 amChristine wrote…In the end, meeting anyone else it isn’t so much about trusting other people. It’s about trusting yourself. It’s about trusting your own instincts, trusting your own judgment and trusting that you will recognize what’s good for you. It’s about trusting that now that you’ve educated yourself and are wiser now, you will know who is worth investing your time with and will never waste it with another narc ever again.
No better way to say it…thank you:)
Cheryl
March 1, 2015 at 11:18 pmI’ve been reading your posts for a few weeks. I have read your book.It was like you were writing about me.
I was involved with my guy for over 3 years. Like you, this was someone I had actually known for along time. We went to highschool together. We were not friends, but we knew each other. I started counseling almost a year ago. Mostly due to the feeling that I knew something wasn’t quite right. In a way I knew it was wrong and bad for me…and yet I felt like it had this power over me. From your writing, I know you know what I’m talking about.
I think I knew I needed help to find my way out of it. Even though it is NOT what my heart wanted. Not sure I can qualify as in no contact mode since I do look at pics and emails, etc. He blocked me on facebook but I do hear some of what he is doing. Your post on facebook was dead on. He has blocked me at least 4 or 5 times on facebook during the past 3 years. And I have definitely felt like things he has done in the past on there were for no other purpose but to hurt me.
I remember more than once during these years of having this horrible feeling that he was evil. And yet, I would still go back for more. I’ve never had that feeling in my life…that someone I knew and cared for truly had intent to hurt me…that it was purposeful.
I have many mutual friends with my guy. It’s hard because I feel like even the small group of people who know all the details of what has happened have a hard time acknowledging the word narcissist and that it was all very purposeful, targeted, planned. They just think he is a selfish jerk.
I feel like people think I’m crazy and don’t get what the big deal is. Why this is so much harder for me to get over than my divorce that occurred right before this relationship.
I’m a work in progress. Like you said, just because you have that “aha” moment, it doesn’t magically get easier. And the pain doesn’t go away.
JJ
February 17, 2015 at 10:54 pmZari
You are amazing! thanks so much for this site and information that we can all understand without long winded medical jargon than confuses the situation as much as the N does. This is now my bible 🙂
will share my story once i can get the words out right.
xxxx leaving kisses without fear of that famous slap round the head for leaving someone kisses in a msg!
Zari Ballard
February 20, 2015 at 2:12 amHi JJ,
So funny about the slaps for leaving kisses in a message…I got a few of those myself!!! Stay strong, girl, and I’ll be waiting for your story. Don’t worry about getting the words right…we’re all friends here and I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Mimi Pinson
February 22, 2015 at 8:23 pmHello,
I have left a Narcissistic Partner behind last year. He silents treated me for the umpthiest time in September and when he tried to contact me in October 2014 I had blocked his number on my mobile- he never called again
I found him in a Dating website mid December 2014 describing himself as God’s Gift to Womem: ‘I am polite,respectful, sensitive…..bla..bla SEXY’… he says …’Easy-Going and sooo Loveable’ the guy is a Nightmare yeah I could not believe this sucking creature… he had said he ‘Loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me..’ I believe if you truly Love someone you don’t play nasty games to them in their minds so they actually eventually leave you..I was so let down by him and abused emotionally and mentally and thought I had enough of his non commitment ways (not allowed in his home, never taken out for a meal, never introduced to his kids) The whole relationship was controled by him to suit his NS ….Of course he is a great Charmer as a true N and it pisses me off I am in now Therapy every week to repair the damage because of his Jack-Ass whilst he is in a new relationship with many Cyber Partners..I alerted the website and gave them a quick description of what he did to me but I am sure they have not acted upon it he is still in there as of today
I will never forgive him and have now to work on myself I spend most days going over and trying to get better I never ever wish to see that Person again he has so damaged me and my life- I need to forget his existencs unfortunately he is still in my head. it feels lonely in there. I still cannot beleive this five years I had with him accounted to NOTHING nothing left nothing except my pain
Mimi Pinson