Narcissistic Lovers & That Uncomfortable Feeling

Narcissistic Lovers & That Uncomfortable Feeling

A narcissistic lover will always leave us with an uncomfortable feeling – a nagging suspicion of something sinister going on that we can’t quite put our finger on. It’s an anxious, something just ain’t right feeling that far surpasses any other feeling of discomfort we might have experienced in, say, any other dysfunctional relationship. You might even find yourself staring at the back of this person’s head wondering if you even know him at all.

I’m talking about the nagging feeling that you get when he “innocently” forgets to call even one time (and you’re not a jealous person) or when he tells you a ridiculous, illogical story to explain why he wasn’t at home this morning when you stopped by (to see why he hadn’t called last night) or when he changes his phone number, playing The Cell Phone Game, for the fifth time this year (out of the blue) and couldn’t care less about explaining that at all. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: those feelings.

And when you bring these feelings that you’re having to this person’s attention, the reaction is instantly defensive. You are accused of being insecure, called a Drama Queen, and made to believe that you’re making mountains out of molehills. As a result, you’ve probably begun to say nothing at all when these feelings arise for fear of initiating what you already know will be the punishment – a silent treatment, perhaps, or some similarly weird, unexplained disappearance lasting a week or two and maybe more. Is it his fault? Is it your fault? What the fuck is going on?

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It’s time to start listening to your intuition (because it’s never wrong). It’s time to stop and recognize who and what you are dealing with, my friend. Passive-aggressive narcissistic manipulation can be the most spirit-breaking kind of abuse imaginable simply because it conducts itself in the background of your life all day, every day. Passive-aggressive behaviors are as covert as they are deliberate – make no mistake about this! And the partner who inflicts this type of emotional manipulation does it for the sheer joy of seeing you suffer while he/she gets away with emotional murder (among other things). This partner is a narcissist and the often undefinable nagging feeling we get is what inevitably trauma bonds us to this person.  It’s amazing how easily this person can historically reject us no matter hard we try to be what they want us to be.

Make no mistake about this fact and who exactly is the enemy. YOU are NOT the problem.

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  • Sarah

    December 19, 2016 at 12:02 am Reply

    I’m 21 (was 19) at the time I started this toxic relationship with this fellow and it’s incredible how completely soul crushing it is to be involved in a co-dependant, misery trap with individuals like this. I’m almost ashamed to admit I was only intertwined in the mind games for 9 months (in comparison to many of you all enduring years) but I wanted to share some of my experience for healing purposes.
    These creatures are subhuman. Preying on the warmth and lightness in your character. Entirely devastating with their mind games and triangulation tactics.
    “See! I told you she was crazy, look how she gets mad and says I can’t hangout with *Sabrina anymore” … After he obnoxiously flashes cheeky and knowing glances at his “friend” that he invites over, ’cause well he insists they’ve known eachother forever and they’re completely, in every way, shape and form just friends.
    So… if you’re just friends why do you ridicule her character to me in private and tell me how permiscious she is? Why do you tell me she tried to kiss you a few years ago, but you turned her down? Why is she turning her head to the side and giggling while holding eye contact for an agonizing amount of time, while i’m standing right beside you?
    I can feel by the rushed silence and shushes when i enter the room that you’ve already briefed your close confidantes about my supposed “jealousy issues.”
    At this point I start to question everything. Reality starts to slip. I start to think “What if this is all in my head?” “What if i’m the problem?” Appetite diminished, the headache of anxious insomnia follows suit. What’s real? Is echoing throughout my mind as his control over my sanity grips ever so slightly tighter.

    This is an excerpt from my journal, detailing my experiences with psychological and emotional abuse. I send my condolences to anyone, male or female who have suffered the inner turmoil delt to you by the hands of these type of people who gain nourishment for their egos on your suffering. Please note that if you had similar thoughts such as I did (as listed above) you are not alone. You are not “crazy.” You are not an overly jealous maniac. It’s all a game and you have to put your cards down and leave the table.
    Lol sorry for the poker reference but, c’mon i’m trying not to leave on such a meloncholy note 😂
    Much love to you and your family’s
    *name changed

    • Zari Ballard

      December 26, 2016 at 7:28 pm Reply

      Hi S,

      Thank you for sharing a piece from your journal – I appreciate you! Whether it’s nine years or nine months, the pain can be just the same. YOU are NOT the crazy one, dear girl. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will completely understand the mindset…the what and why of HIM, the monster. And a monster he is. You are so, so young. I promise you that if you nip this in the bud now…kick his sorry ass to the curb…in a year from now, you will feel back to your old self and ready to live life. Learn from ALL OF US HERE and don’t re-live our mistakes. YOUR INTUITION IS ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. If you feel strange about a look or a glance or if he talks bad about a girl and then suddenly they are hanging out, it’s ALL WRONG. He is TRIANGULATING you to instill this jealousy. He WANTS to keep you on the edge of your seat because this alone will keep you in the queue. Do not stand for it!

      I hope you had a good Christmas, girlfriend, under the circumstances. Start planning your new year without him being any part of it and be sure to write anytime. I am here to support you….

      Zari xo

  • Alou

    November 30, 2016 at 6:32 am Reply

    Here’s one! He says “I don’t make you feel bad. People are responsible for their own feelings”. Well, I say people can make you feel good, (via a compliment, etc) so people can also make you feel bad. Which brings to mind, cheapskate thst he is, I don’t believe he ever paid a compliment, which is FREE ffs! What a dick.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 2, 2016 at 7:40 pm Reply

      Hi Alou,

      Mine said the same thing! It’s such a manipulative comment given that the narcissist INTENTIONALLY CONTROLS the state of the very feelings that he dismisses. This is how they avoid accountability. The narcissist may not have any sincere feelings of his own but he sure understands exactly how feelings work in the world of relationships. This is the entire con of the narcissist’s game. Yikes! It’s awful!


  • Judy

    May 23, 2016 at 5:00 am Reply

    Thankful once again for the support. when I start getting upset and have no one to talk with I really found strength in these post. Yes I am in the Prosses of trying to exit these relationships. These people with this problem never change I know this as my father had NPD. So I guess that’s why I have attracted these sort of people all my life. plus my mother has BPD. when I was a child I was neglected beatin and always blamed among other things that happend outside the family unit. I Felt very isolated plus other family members would pitty me or feel sorry for me but no one stood up to the abuse expect for my grandfather and grandmother. I ended up in the care system as a place of safety but that was me in the system as a vulnerable person and still as a adult vulnerable. It’s not Nice to feel like a victim or to even try live a normal life after. I found myself looking for love and affection I was lost needy damaged and feral. I’ve managed these symptoms of the after effect for a long time and have attracted these kind of people. I was trying to trust in people again and again I didn’t understand. Yes making excuses for them trying to understand them being extra nice to them nope dosent work and trying to take the high moral ground nope id say your better taking a train or plane as far away from these people as you possibly can and if you can’t do that then best learn how to deal with these type of disorders because a fact they don’t
    Care to acknowledge there behaviours or even realise they do so much damage will leave the other person frustrated hurt angry let down. playing with people emotionally is all they know. it’s difficult to not reacts and yes they do bring us to our wortst. Keep your head up and let them see your strength don’t be suffering in silence don’t let it build up or suppress your emotions find someone who you can talk with in confidence a close friend or even a good expert or a therapist. This will give a bit of outside support. Or even go to a AA meeting or one for None alcoholics. It helped to listen to other peoples storys and not feel alone. I found this site the most helpful and I have to say a big big thankyou for al the post I have red. zari your such a inspiration for this help and knowledge and support. x .PS silent treatment use it back on them they really need some of their own medicine and they will find that hard to swallow. That’s if it doesn’t chock them in the prosess. : o

    • Zari Ballard

      May 23, 2016 at 10:26 am Reply

      Hi Judy,

      Thank you for leaving words of encouragement for others and I’m so sorry that you’ve been inundated with narcs all your life! I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many of these monsters walking the planet that we’re never going to know them off the bat. All we can hope for is to get away quicker each time as we recognize the signs. And as you say, we can’t control their behaviors but we CAN control our reactions. We have to know this. Our suffering changes nothing. Not a thing. The less time that we allow ourselves to suffer, the quicker we’ll move along.

      I’m glad you come here, Judy! Stay strong and know that we’re here to support you:)

      Zari xo

      • Aminata

        October 18, 2016 at 11:14 pm Reply

        Hi zari I just want to say I have read your book when live is a lie and its blown me away as have been married to a narc now for 15 years but have suffered many times with the lies and cheating game I have two boys and after reading your book it’s made me realize I am not going mad as at one point the stress and gasligting sent me almost crazy and I’m a strong independent women so really struggled with it and ended up on antidepressants something I never thought I would of taken … fact it helped me take a step back and look at this monster and now I see all for what it is and have come off the tablets. I am still find it hard to get away as the NC rule is difficult due to having my boys and working nights hence he knows I need to have him their for them at night so I guess a bit more suffering till the time comes …I just live a life of silent treatment and when ever he can he wants to head off to his so called mates every weekend leaving me and boys as has no interest in us as a family and that’s what really does it for me ,also I asked myself the questions u mention in the book about if you died today what memories would my boys have and ur right they wouldn’t be all good when it comes to their father making their mother happy.also birthdays Xmas and holidays have all been ruined my husband is now building his own house abroad and has totally kept me and kids out of it but tells all his friends it’s a family house I really feel he is just sorting his future out and does not care for his boys future why did I get caught up in this ???? It’s axe me feel such a fool being sucked I to the games but now I don’t play as he wants but it’s still hell.thanks for your support through the book it’s helped a lot x

        • Zari Ballard

          October 28, 2016 at 6:10 pm Reply

          Hi Aminata,

          Stay strong, girl, and do what is best for you and your boys. You WILL survive without this man…I promise you. Don’t beat yourself up over anything. These people are very good at what they do. But DO plan for your escape. This life is to short to put up with this nonsense. Get on your feet and kick his ass to the curb when he least expects it.

          Keep an eye on those memories. When I thought that about my son, it changed the whole picture.

          Stays strong and I’m here to support you:)

          Zari xoxo

  • Shoshannah

    November 19, 2015 at 5:13 pm Reply

    Exactly, from the very beginning, even when everything was ‘good’, long before he started to show his true colors or even before I would ever think there might be any true colors, I had that – ‘a nagging suspicion of something sinister that we can’t quite put our finger on’. After the first time we got intimate, he didn’t call me for a month. Well, he didn’t have to. It was just a fling. But, as it hapenned when we were both abroad, I did expect at least a text asking if I came back home safely or something like that. Then, after the first time we actually slept with each other. he left my bed, said only: ‘do you think we should continue?’ and didn’t contact me for a week, until I did contacted him, as I just couldn’t stand it any longer. Not to mention that the sex was also… odd. Great – technically speaking (yes, his experience). But it was definitely the coldest, the most impersonal act I have ever experienced. I felt like a porn star or like a masturbation tool. It was very odd, as we’ve known each other for years. It wasn’t just some stranger who could f*ck me and then walk away with no explanation. It was my best friend, my supervisor, who I have treated like a father-master figure for years. I was explaining it all by either our difficult situation (it was an affair) or by his insecurities. But the fact is, I spend hours on the internet searching for answers, trying to make sense out of his behaviors. I was devastated. I was taking sedatives! – from the very begining, before he got to do anything wrong to me. Just like his behaviors, I was explaining my reactions either by our difficult situation or by MY insecurities. Instead, these were obvious red flags. I should have listened to my gut screaming.

    • Shoshannah

      November 19, 2015 at 5:30 pm Reply

      Actually, when I think about it all… I have read so much within the past 6 months about those disorders and it sometimes scares me… for the more I know, the more I realise how dangerous this man is. He’s nothing to compare to many other narcissists that I have read about. He’s not like Mr. Big, he’s more like Ted Bundy (he has never killed anyone, as far as I’m concerned, he is a well situated intelligent man with no criminal record, but all the creepiness of him is more Ted Bundy-like than Mr Big-like). That’s how I think of him now… after all I saw and after all the knowledge I’ve gained. I am out for 6 months and I live in a different country. But I think I was some kind of a supply that he always wanted to lure in, he’s got divorced for me, I rejected his proposal, then I rejected him completely, I gave him a rather brutal discard (not proud, but you know how they drive you to the worst). Sometimes I am really worried about a possible revenge. Even though everything is rather quiet now, I am afraid that 6 months and just a few hundreds of kilometres would not be much for Ted Bundy. Sorry, I know this is off topic, just wanted to share. Maybe I’m paranoid, maybe I’ve read too much… but my gut still makes me anxious sometimes.

  • Trice

    October 28, 2015 at 2:42 pm Reply

    I am soooo happy I’ve come across this website!! The wealth of information is undoubtedly helpful! Thank you!! I have been so hurt by this evil son of a bitch! On October 25, I finally decided enough is enough after 2 years of being off and on. I hated the way he made me feel. I can no longer take the lies and the games. I’ve said I’m done before, but this time is for real and by the strength of GOD I PROMISE MYSELF TO NEVER GO BACK!!!! i always thought I was overreacting at times and he would swear it as all me and I was crazy but it’s really him!! You just don’t understand how I feel. I feel so angry and hurt and confused. I never want to see him again. I wish I could hurt him like he’s hurt me, I really do. I was so good to him (like we all were in relationships with the N). Ugh.

    I’m just relieved to have all this information and to finally take the honest step in moving forward. Tired of lying to myself and being lied to. Thanks again for this website

  • Docs_Chic

    June 26, 2015 at 5:17 pm Reply

    E. Mounayar, M.D. – Louisiana

  • Kristin

    April 24, 2015 at 9:57 am Reply

    Wow! This exactly describes the way my boyfriend (on and off for 10 years) treats me. I’m relieved to know that this is a ‘real’ thing and that I’m not ‘imagining’ it and causing ‘drama’ like he tells me. The ‘silent treatments’ are spot on and what finally made me angry enough to end the relationship. I’ve never met anyone who could lie so much about EVERYTHING and even lie about trivial things that don’t matter! My boyfriend is a doctor and he’s supposed to help people..I didn’t expect him to inflict such abuse on me. Unfortunately he did so with ease and always pretending to be the ‘victim’ in his little game. Your website has helped me tremendously. Thank you so much for the articles!

    • Zari Ballard

      April 27, 2015 at 3:34 pm Reply

      Hi Kristin,

      I’m grateful that you find my articles helpful! Yes, it’s as if we all had the same guy, isn’t it? If you can, please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will recognize yourself as me, I swear. My story is your story. The silent treatments and the lies are incredible. In the book, I describe how a narcissist lies even when the truth is a better story. It’s all about what they can “get away with” that makes the game so exciting for them. The fact that your narcissist is a doctor only confirms that these predators exist in every walk of life and that we should be careful everywhere. Sad, but true.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Debi

    April 1, 2015 at 12:33 am Reply

    Thank you Zari for your quick response! A few things i don’t seem to find through all these posts is that my N was a loner, almost a recluse. We live in a small town where he’s been off and on for years but doesn’t know many people or hasn’t even frequented places in public, that was a mystery to me. I feel like he cant relate to people on a certain level if it’s not talking about himself/work….he has even said he doesn’t like “idle” chitchat.I even began to feel like I didnt want my friends to meet him because we all love to talk about “life”, I don’t think he could! But i stayed because I thought if given time, he’d come out of his “shell”, what the F was i thinking! he was married, 2 kids, divorced after 12 yrs, lived with another for 8 who helped raise his kids and he said both cheated on him. His x of 8 yrs I was told she said she began to feel like a sex slave! This is all so bazaar for me, I LOVED the sex with him, it was such a deep connection which so drew me in and kept me in even though in other areas of the “relationship” I had that uncomfortable feeling! I gotta say…what is wrong with me??!!! I keep thinking i want closure but as you say, it’s more revenge which I guess it is but I dont want him thinking he “won”! I can’t imagine that I would ever hear from him again.

    • Debi

      April 3, 2015 at 3:06 am Reply

      Zari, I can’t find your response to my last email. Not sure if Im following this thread right or not. Please advise, thank you.

      • Zari Ballard

        April 6, 2015 at 1:43 am Reply

        Hi Debi,

        I see all our posts back and forth right at the top of the comments on this thread. Directly under the article. Do you see it?

        Zari xo

    • Zari Ballard

      April 6, 2015 at 12:35 am Reply

      Debi wrote..I LOVED the sex with him, it was such a deep connection which so drew me in and kept me in even though in other areas of the “relationship” I had that uncomfortable feeling! Been there!

      Hi Debi,

      I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I still think of the sex periodically but, when I do, it’s in an entirely different way. It doesn’t hurt anymore like it used to. I used to think about it and just curl up in a ball and sob like a baby. Now, it’s like I think about it as if it’s happening to someone else (like I’m running a porn flick through my head only it’s me but it’s not!). My point is that you will get to a point where you can think about the whole relationship from start to finish with complete detachment. It will happen but you have to give it that time.

      And it doesn’t matter if he “won” or not because a narcissist NEVER EVER thinks that he lost anyway! Even if you somehow “got even”, his revenge on your revenge would be the worst OR he’d justify the break-up BECAUSE of your revenge (because see how psycho she is???) even though the revenge happened after the break-up. Closure has to come from within – there’s no way around it.

      I’m not so sure if your N was someone who actually “needed to come out of his shell”, girl. I think he was just a narcissist who felt he was far too interesting for the rest of the world. And that gift of gab will be the biggest turn-off for anyone he meets unless of course he finds that perfect someone who is wonderfully insecure AND mute at the same time. Better them than you!!!!

      Stay strong…I know you can do it!!!

      Zari xo

      • Debi

        April 9, 2015 at 12:00 pm Reply

        You have really helped me to evaluate this lie of a relationship and I can see much more clearly as time passes and he fades more into my past. It’s going on 10 weeks since i last saw him and 6 weeks since I got his last text. Yes I am keeping track of time but I think that has helped too as I feel I get stronger each day and am not feeling that “need” for closure/revenge. What I still question is why I let it continue without standing up for myself and calling it quits, seeing all those red flags in the beginning and having that “uncomfortable” feeling! Why I put up with it, it all just seemed so subtle, it wasn’t anything “in my face” so I thought it more odd. I do like a challenge so I thought I could figure him out! For a small community, it’s my 2nd time attracted to a narcissist without knowing and the 1st was 20+ yrs ago. They did know eachother and my current one hated this other one, now I know why! So I wonder what it is about me, that attracts them??? Better to work on myself than to worry about him though right?

        • Zari Ballard

          April 11, 2015 at 11:58 pm Reply

          Hi Debi,

          I grateful to help in any way that I can. As for why we let it continue, look…when we love someone or, at the very least, are interested in someone or are really attracted to them or feel a friendship, it’s normal to assume that when they tell us things, they’re telling us the truth. This is especially true if we’ve never heard of narcissism in the context that we know it now. How can we blame ourselves for that? All we can do is make sure it doesn’t happen to us again. Narcissists use passive-aggression for everything it’s worth and they choose people who are compassionate and empathetic as targets. When we start to “see” or feel that things are “off”, we first believe that it’s possible to “love” them out of their bad behavior and that drags it out a little longer. Then, when that doesn’t work, we try to use logic, explaining to them what they’re doing is wrong, hoping that they’ll see the error of their ways. That drags it out a little longer. Then, we might try leaving, hoping that will make them see the light and that drags it out. We’re definitely not quitters! So, while we can beat ourselves up for why we didn’t leave sooner, it does no good and it not productive at all in my book. There’s nothing abnormal about assuming that the person we love is telling the truth or giving them the benefit of the doubt. Everything is a progression. Life is a progression.

          As for them being attracted to you and vice versa, I would have to say that having two relationships with narcissist 20 years apart isn’t relevant and you need not worry about that. Given that there are 3 million of these predators wandering the planet, it’s actually pretty damn good. But now that we know what they are and have actually learned and researched, even if we do meet another narcissist, he’s not going to be attracted to us because he’s going to “sense” that we know and that will ruin all the fun. It’s all about getting back to normal, that’s all. Don’t spend a whole lot of time “working” on yourself unless it’s all about making yourself happy. YOU were never the problem. At least that’s the way I look at it. I’m sure there are a million educated psychologists who would beg to differ with me but – hell – I like my perspective better. We live and learn, sister! Move forward and be aware of your surroundings…it’s all we can do.

          Zari xo

          • R

            May 16, 2015 at 3:41 pm

            Lovely post Zari. Thank you. You were never the problem 🙂

          • Zari Ballard

            May 16, 2015 at 5:50 pm

            Hello R,

            Thank you for reading and for the kind words:)

            Zari xo

  • Debi

    March 31, 2015 at 12:58 am Reply

    Thank God i found you!! And everyone else that will hopefully know exactly what I’m talking about….if he is a true N. I’ve been blindsided but yet I had those “uncomfortable” feelings, saw red flags in the beginning and somehow ignored them all, thinking ok, just give it time!!
    Met him 6 mo ago, charming, handsome, so in shape, swept me off my feet, and dear friends brought us together. he was good a pursuing me but on our very first date, i thought it odd how much he talked about himself, That never stopped throughout our dating, it was always about him and he was writing another book…about him and his favorite part of life in Mexico and i swear i lived more in his past, learning about that than him now! He was good, great at everything which he always made sure i knew, tennis, music, major workout aholic, biker, he did everything better than most! At first, he’d make me dinners, play guitar and sing, talk ( about his life) and of course GREAT sex, he talked allot about that too and was very free with it, like testing me now that i think of it, if I’d do this or try that …..which actually excited me, he made me feel more free with it, with him! But there was never emotion involved with it, no words. In the beginning he’d say it was great, had fun, text me for a few afternoon encounters but something always missing and then our times together became once a week. We never went out on dates, always over to his place on a Fri night, spend the night and would usually make breakfast and then i was out the door til next Fri! I did get him out to a Xmas gathering which he always said he hated holidays, He is not an extrovert with other people unless he’s talking about work, his book or himself, I don’t recall too many “normal” conversations just about life! He did get me a Xmas gift and birthday but now i wonder if it was just to pacify.To get to why i searched you out to find some answers was his disappearance a few months ago!!! Our last night together I sensed was weird, didnt hear from him for a few weeks, texted him and he said he felt cooped up and need to get away so he was visiting family, back in a few days. He said “I didnt think it was necessary to check in”!! And if you’re angry than i dont know what else to say”! This was driving me crazy, I dont even think I was myself as i felt I was going crazy, what the F just happened??? Throughout a few more texts,(he wouldn’t answer my calls) he told me to settle down and then the final text was “I’m not used to being monitored, and this is something I won’t deal with” I texted him, I’m not used to being so blatantly disregarded and i don’t deal well with that”!! This was 1 month ago, no word from him. Since then I have been reading allot and I do think he is definitely an N! I really felt I saw glimpses of a caring man (which kept me in the relationship) and would never have imagined him to do this! I see now it was never a relationship! So much I left out but in just 6 months, i feel like he’s shattered my soul!!! Oh and my dear friends were shocked! Thank you for listening 🙂

    • Zari Ballard

      March 31, 2015 at 9:07 pm Reply

      Hi Debi,

      Thank you for sharing and, even though it hurts right now, I do believe that you’ve dodged a bullet. Narcissists either talk about themselves constantly OR they make everything in the relationship about them (even if they don’t talk about it) which is what mine did. In other words, the relationship becomes about their problems, their chaos, their inability to be a decent person. Others, like yours, consume the conversations with their exploits, good or bad, and keep you fascinated until one day they just up and drop you like a hot potato. Either way, it’s very painful and no one should have to go through it. My ex, too, took me nowhere…it was either to his house or my house for the weekends and this went on for 13-years. If you can, please read my book When Love Is a Lie (Amazon) because it will confirm for you what you obviously already know. You will recognize the passive-aggressive behaviors all too well but you will also feel empowered by how I pulled myself out of it. Sometimes we need to see our life on the pages of someone else’s story to grasp what happened and make sense of the whole thing.

      I understand the pain and rejection that you feel but be strong and know that you escaped in under a year (which is a big accomplishment). You have to get a handle on it now because I suspect he will return when you least expect it with some simple text wanting to see you or whatever. The best thing for you to do is BLOCK HIS NUMBER so that he can’t contact you even if he wanted to. Narcissists only return to ensure that you are still in the queue like all the others. It’s a game of push and pull that will never end and he will always have someone else just like you in the wings. No matter how nice he appeared to be, he wasn’t. He has no respect for you or your feelings and the game of seduce and discard will repeat itself forever if you allow it. It’s simply what he does.

      Please read the book…I believe it will change your perspective and get you on the right path to never allowing it to happen again! I’ll be here if you need me…

      Zari xo

  • J

    March 20, 2015 at 6:12 pm Reply


    Zari, it has been a year since I posted. Healing does occur and it’s slow and baby steps. It does get better. NC helped for me as well as a counselor who led a class about narcissistic abuse. From there I met other women that also had relationships with a N.
    For a full year I was marking the anniversaries: one year since we met, one year since we rode our bikes and he’d met another girl and was communicating with her via FB (triangulation), one year since our trip and our big argument and he said, “you’ve just got to trust me.”, (ha!), one year since my special birthday, one year since he’d gotten drunk at BWW, one year, blah blah blah. And then finally it was one year since we’d broken up. And then I no longer felt the desire to mark the anniversaries.One really odd one was at the one year from our 1st date. I was feeling strong and moving forward, and then I got an email that had the look of spam, except in the addressee line were other women I was familiar with that had come after me. All it said was how are you? plus his name. I ignored it and it threw me off of my feeling strong mode. After a few days I felt better. At the one year of our break up I received the same “how are you” email. I emailed my counselor. Some coincidence? Probably not. I didn’t reply. I’d long ago blocked his cell number and blocked him from FB. We had 1 mutual FB friend and I’d had a conversation with her that something didn’t seem right, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I pray a lot that she and her husband will know that the Narc is unhealthy and his behavior with one more woman into their group isn’t to be admired but unheatlhy for their children to be around. And I pray that my postings on FB about abuse would be seen by her and she’d realize through the power of suggestion what was going on. A few weeks ago the group of them had posted a photo of him from the night we’d all attended a wedding reception. I intensely looked at his eyes and noticed how dark, unhealthy, menacing, and arrogant he looked. Again this threw me off for a few days. Last week I scrolled too far down her FB page and saw the photo again, and instead of looking back with memories, the voice in my head said, “What was I thinking!”
    Be gentle with yourselves out there and know that getting your strength back is your defense and on the path to recovery. It’s hard not to look at photos, FB posts, google him. You get stronger every time you resist. We are human and we fall. And we get right back up. Without him you are free!
    Get support from others and congregate with others here to know you’re not alone. His sick behavior continues. Arm yourself with knowledge and read, read, read.
    Also know that there can be narcissistic women in our lives too. And those can be pruned off as well.
    I don’t know how I’ll ever meet anyone again. It will be harder to trust. I’m certainly capable of a healthy relationship. And I love and like people.
    Zari, I continue to read your blog and posts to remind myself. Thank you. Your reach and advocacy is farther than you know.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 22, 2015 at 8:59 pm Reply

      J wrote...Be gentle with yourselves out there and know that getting your strength back is your defense and on the path to recovery. It’s hard not to look at photos, FB posts, google him. You get stronger every time you resist. We are human and we fall. And we get right back up. Without him you are free!

      Hi J,

      I placed an “Important Post” note above your comment because I believe everyone needs to read it. I’m really proud of you for coming this far…of remaining free! I understand so well how one little blurb from him can throw us off but the important thing is that we get back on the wagon and keep riding. You are doing so well…let nothing stand in your way. Keep writing and reading and sharing your wisdom. I feel that the more me pay our recovery forward, the more momentum we gain from a very understanding Universe. We have a right to be happy, sister!

      As for meeting someone else, it’s been 2 1/2 years for me and, honestly, I haven’t even put myself out there. I’m not saying that I don’t think about it because I do but if it happens, great…if it doesn’t, I’ll live. The longer it goes, the more I realize this one very important thing: if and when I do meet someone, I can honestly say with utmost confidence that I will bring no baggage to the relationship. And the same will work for you. It won’t be harder to trust because you will have worked out that issue just with the passing of time. Remember, WE were not the problem and the fact that we trusted the person that we loved was not a flaw on our part in any way. But now we are aware and I do believe that, if enough time has passed (meaning that we shouldn’t jump into another relationship anyway), when we are in situations to meet people, narcissists will not be attracted to us. They will recognize a strength that they want no part of and we will recognize an evil in the same way. So be it!

      Thank you for writing and I couldn’t have said a word of it better myself. Thank you for the update and feel free to stop by here anytime to share the wisdom of your journey with others – it is much appreciated:) You have it going on, girl, so give yourself the credit and love that you deserve. From me, I’m sending you hugs across the miles!!

      Zari xo

      • Christine

        April 9, 2015 at 11:26 pm Reply

        Great post J! I also stopped counting the “anniversaries” a while back and my 8th month of no contact sneaked up on me before I knew it! By now, it’s so second nature I barely think of it any longer. I’m glad you’ve found your strength again.

        In terms of meeting someone else, it is possible. I’m dating someone else right now who adores me and consistently treats me with such respect. I didn’t do anything all that special, just give a nice guy a chance. It feels very different from the narcissist, which is obviously a good thing! I am always very happy to hear from him and spend time with him, but he somehow doesn’t give me that desperate, frenzied feeling my narcissist did and leave me waiting by the phone, which I think is great–shows this is a healthier relationship. Oh heck, even if it ends tomorrow I’ll be just fine and that normal breakup would be a cake walk compared to the narcissist.

        In the end, meeting anyone else it isn’t so much about trusting other people. It’s about trusting yourself. It’s about trusting your own instincts, trusting your own judgment and trusting that you will recognize what’s good for you. It’s about trusting that now that you’ve educated yourself and are wiser now, you will know who is worth investing your time with and will never waste it with another narc ever again.

        Of course, not that I’m encouraging anyone to jump into anything with someone else right away (goodness no, straighten this crap out first!) But over time, there is a world of better people waiting for us out there and we can still experience real love.

        • Zari Ballard

          April 26, 2015 at 12:34 am Reply

          Christine wrote…In the end, meeting anyone else it isn’t so much about trusting other people. It’s about trusting yourself. It’s about trusting your own instincts, trusting your own judgment and trusting that you will recognize what’s good for you. It’s about trusting that now that you’ve educated yourself and are wiser now, you will know who is worth investing your time with and will never waste it with another narc ever again.

          No better way to say it…thank you:)

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