Narcissistic Lovers & That Uncomfortable Feeling

A narcissistic lover will always leave us with an uncomfortable feeling – a nagging suspicion of something sinister going on that we can’t quite put our finger on. It’s an anxious, something just ain’t right feeling that far surpasses any other feeling of discomfort we might have experienced in, say, any other dysfunctional relationship. You might even find yourself staring at the back of this person’s head wondering if you even know him at all.

I’m talking about the nagging feeling that you get when he “innocently” forgets to call even one time (and you’re not a jealous person) or when he tells you a ridiculous, illogical story to explain why he wasn’t at home this morning when you stopped by (to see why he hadn’t called last night) or when he changes his phone number, playing The Cell Phone Game, for the fifth time this year (out of the blue) and couldn’t care less about explaining that at all. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: those feelings.

And when you bring these feelings that you’re having to this person’s attention, the reaction is instantly defensive. You are accused of being insecure, called a Drama Queen, and made to believe that you’re making mountains out of molehills. As a result, you’ve probably begun to say nothing at all when these feelings arise for fear of initiating what you already know will be the punishment – a silent treatment, perhaps, or some similarly weird, unexplained disappearance lasting a week or two and maybe more. Is it his fault? Is it your fault? What the fuck is going on?

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It’s time to start listening to your intuition (because it’s never wrong). It’s time to stop and recognize who and what you are dealing with, my friend. Passive-aggressive narcissistic manipulation can be the most spirit-breaking kind of abuse imaginable simply because it conducts itself in the background of your life all day, every day. Passive-aggressive behaviors are as covert as they are deliberate – make no mistake about this! And the partner who inflicts this type of emotional manipulation does it for the sheer joy of seeing you suffer while he/she gets away with emotional murder (among other things). This partner is a narcissist and the often undefinable nagging feeling we get is what inevitably trauma bonds us to this person.  It’s amazing how easily this person can historically reject us no matter hard we try to be what they want us to be.

Make no mistake about this fact and who exactly is the enemy. YOU are NOT the problem.

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61 Comments

  • bloggingislamblog

    April 1, 2017 at 8:18 am Reply

    all I can say is… trust that feeling! I have been through two relationships with narcs, unfortunately. And just yesterday, I blocked another (probable) one, after just one date he showed several of the red flags already and I had that nagging feeling ‘something is off’ again that I recognized so well. Before the date, he had already left me hanging one night, we were chatting, I sent him a message to say I will be home in 10 mins then we can continue talking, I come home, he simply doesn’t reply anymore, end of conversation. It’s just small things, but very telling.

    On the date, he tries kissing me litterally within 15 minutes, to which I turn my cheek and he says: it was a test to see if you would respond like a lady and refuse. To which I go: what on earth do you mean, a test? How ridiculous! To which he goes: it was just a joke. So litterally, 15 minutes into the date, he showed behaviour my ex always used to show, turning things around on me. He also was commenting on the way I laughed – it should be more giggly like a lady – and the way I walked. Man oh man who invents this kind of crap? 🙂 🙂

    I tried to talk about the ‘test incident’ on FB later on but the conversation once again was turned on me and my behaviour and how men don’t want a woman who is too open too soon and blablabla, the guy knowing nothing about me at all, indirectly accusing me of whatever. Then, he started about how he has had some borderline ex who was so horrible and also had many one night stands, so who could blame him to be a bit more conservative? And how he finds it ‘bizarre’ that I do not understand such simple things. They are so so so predictable…. all of the red flags do show up if you pay attention to it.

    Further down the date, he was revealing some of the secrets about his best friends’ marital life to me.. I mean this is supposed to be his best friend for 16 years and there he goes telling me that he is in the middle of a divorce and having a terrible time (I hardly know the friend, btw).

    Ok been there done that, blocked and deleted. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 3, 2017 at 1:37 am Reply

      Your welcome and I hope that doesn’t happen to you ever again. Unfortunately, there are millions of these people out there and they come disguised as many things. Good for you for catching it early this time! It’s all we can hope to do!

      Zari xo

  • Sylvie

    March 15, 2017 at 8:54 am Reply

    I have to say I have read all of this and now the last 10 years and his behavior make so much sense now and how I felt. Part of me is so pissed off that I have not seen it till now. Now I have to get out because I deserve better but I’m still in the same house and I feel so insane at times and angry at being manipulated which he is still doing while I’m there. I keep telling myself it’s him, I don’t care, dear god, help me find peace to just ignore him and focus on you. I’m feeling completely overwhelmed at really having the control somewhat on my money and looking for the right path to get out of there .

    • Zari Ballard

      March 25, 2017 at 3:29 pm Reply

      Hi Sylvie,

      Yes, you have to get out because you deserve better, my sister. Don’t waste time being angry because we can get stuck on that, keeping us in limbo land. There will never be the closure we imagine or want so we have to put that aside and get down to business. Just make a plan and stick to it. Financially, however you have to work it, do it, whether it’s stashing money or making money so that you can be independent. As for the right path, you don’t have to look for it because there’s only one and it goes right out the front door. You can do this and we’re here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Ann Mac

    March 2, 2017 at 12:33 am Reply

    Never knew I was a slow learner . . . 63 years to understand narcissism. My mother had a degree in it, and yes I was the scapegoat, brother the golden headed son. He stood guard at my bedroom door while his mate raped me and when school teacher who I confided in spoke to my mother assuring me all would be well, I was told in no uncertain terms to keep my mouth shut. I did so for 50 odd years.
    And that missing something in my marriage, loss of self esteem and confidence I found once I left home, left me again in my marriage.

    Been down the road of how could this have happened to me a reasonably intelligent person blah blah blah now learning what it’s all been about. “You’re so sensitive, I was only joking, you’re imagining it,” thinking I was going nutty, then a nurse overheard him when he thought no one was within earshot. She asked me “Are you an abused wife?”

    Even then I stood up for him, “This is neither the time nor place to discuss this,” as I chundered then vomited. But it got me ‘googling’

    And after sustaining a brain injury due to a fall, being at a loss to fully understand my world, staff at the hospital came to my side, some of them saying “I didn’t need to put up with what they observed when he thought he wasn’t being observed.”

    Strange after 40 plus years of abuse, no longer able to work, and with very little money I separated.
    Now it is about me, learning to take my life back, to be the person I once was for a short period of time. I am walking lighter, have a bit more energy and hope (helping other possibilities emerge) that I have enough time left in this life to be ME.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 7, 2017 at 1:57 pm Reply

      Hi Ann Mac,

      You, my sister, are a TRUE SURVIVOR. Thank God for those who listened (nurses, staff) on the sly and understood what was happening to you…how this person (the narc) was tormenting and gas-lighting. I am grateful that you are free and your story is an inspiration for so many. Without a doubt, you have been to hell and back many, many times. Bless you and I wish you nothing but happiness in this world…..

      Thank you so much for sharing and I welcome it any time….

      Zari xoxo

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