Narcissistic Lovers & That Uncomfortable Feeling

A narcissistic lover will always leave us with an uncomfortable feeling – a nagging suspicion of something sinister going on that we can’t quite put our finger on. It’s an anxious, something just ain’t right feeling that far surpasses any other feeling of discomfort we might have experienced in, say, any other dysfunctional relationship. You might even find yourself staring at the back of this person’s head wondering if you even know him at all.

I’m talking about the nagging feeling that you get when he “innocently” forgets to call even one time (and you’re not a jealous person) or when he tells you a ridiculous, illogical story to explain why he wasn’t at home this morning when you stopped by (to see why he hadn’t called last night) or when he changes his phone number, playing The Cell Phone Game, for the fifth time this year (out of the blue) and couldn’t care less about explaining that at all. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: those feelings.

And when you bring these feelings that you’re having to this person’s attention, the reaction is instantly defensive. You are accused of being insecure, called a Drama Queen, and made to believe that you’re making mountains out of molehills. As a result, you’ve probably begun to say nothing at all when these feelings arise for fear of initiating what you already know will be the punishment – a silent treatment, perhaps, or some similarly weird, unexplained disappearance lasting a week or two and maybe more. Is it his fault? Is it your fault? What the fuck is going on?

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It’s time to start listening to your intuition (because it’s never wrong). It’s time to stop and recognize who and what you are dealing with, my friend. Passive-aggressive narcissistic manipulation can be the most spirit-breaking kind of abuse imaginable simply because it conducts itself in the background of your life all day, every day. Passive-aggressive behaviors are as covert as they are deliberate – make no mistake about this! And the partner who inflicts this type of emotional manipulation does it for the sheer joy of seeing you suffer while he/she gets away with emotional murder (among other things). This partner is a narcissist and the often undefinable nagging feeling we get is what inevitably trauma bonds us to this person.  It’s amazing how easily this person can historically reject us no matter hard we try to be what they want us to be.

Make no mistake about this fact and who exactly is the enemy. YOU are NOT the problem.

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  • Christine Kelley

    November 3, 2017 at 2:45 am Reply

    I am only now beginning to sift through these articles one by one and already I am floored- actually speechless from shock- of how I could have wrote, in detail, any one of them and how they describe my life, feelings and thoughts, and relationship 100%. I have dedicated the past 11 years of my life to it and trying to figure him out, studying all of his behaviors and incidents and it was fascinating in one way, but so predictable and now I see- generic, nothing special- because they all ow the same exact predictable patterns. Thank you, this is fascinating

    • Zari Ballard

      November 3, 2017 at 4:35 pm Reply

      You’re welcome, Christine, and thank you for sharing…..isn’t is crazy how alike our stories are? This is why recovery has to be a team effort…xoxo

  • Rachel Burns

    August 21, 2017 at 10:32 am Reply

    I am so thankful to have found this website and these articles. I’ve spent the last ten months questioning my intuition, begging for my N to just be honest and tell me what I was missing but of course I was just “crazy” and “insecure”. During weeks or months of silent treatments I of course had a feeling he was with someone else but when I accused him of it he would be offended I could even think such a thing. He had never even considered the thought of being with anyone besides me since we’d met. It was a painful relief when I found another girlfriend of his and was able to have a long conversation with her. Now I know that my intuition WAS right the whole time and I’ll NEVER forget that again.

    • Zari Ballard

      August 23, 2017 at 11:37 pm Reply

      Hi Rachel,

      Our intuition is NEVER wrong! I, too, had to learn it the hard way. We just don’t seem to want to listen to that nagging voice telling us that something is up and we’re better off running in the opposite direction. Here’s to learning from our mistakes!

      Zari xo

  • bloggingislamblog

    April 1, 2017 at 8:18 am Reply

    all I can say is… trust that feeling! I have been through two relationships with narcs, unfortunately. And just yesterday, I blocked another (probable) one, after just one date he showed several of the red flags already and I had that nagging feeling ‘something is off’ again that I recognized so well. Before the date, he had already left me hanging one night, we were chatting, I sent him a message to say I will be home in 10 mins then we can continue talking, I come home, he simply doesn’t reply anymore, end of conversation. It’s just small things, but very telling.

    On the date, he tries kissing me litterally within 15 minutes, to which I turn my cheek and he says: it was a test to see if you would respond like a lady and refuse. To which I go: what on earth do you mean, a test? How ridiculous! To which he goes: it was just a joke. So litterally, 15 minutes into the date, he showed behaviour my ex always used to show, turning things around on me. He also was commenting on the way I laughed – it should be more giggly like a lady – and the way I walked. Man oh man who invents this kind of crap? 🙂 🙂

    I tried to talk about the ‘test incident’ on FB later on but the conversation once again was turned on me and my behaviour and how men don’t want a woman who is too open too soon and blablabla, the guy knowing nothing about me at all, indirectly accusing me of whatever. Then, he started about how he has had some borderline ex who was so horrible and also had many one night stands, so who could blame him to be a bit more conservative? And how he finds it ‘bizarre’ that I do not understand such simple things. They are so so so predictable…. all of the red flags do show up if you pay attention to it.

    Further down the date, he was revealing some of the secrets about his best friends’ marital life to me.. I mean this is supposed to be his best friend for 16 years and there he goes telling me that he is in the middle of a divorce and having a terrible time (I hardly know the friend, btw).

    Ok been there done that, blocked and deleted. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 3, 2017 at 1:37 am Reply

      Your welcome and I hope that doesn’t happen to you ever again. Unfortunately, there are millions of these people out there and they come disguised as many things. Good for you for catching it early this time! It’s all we can hope to do!

      Zari xo

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