The “No Contact” Rule for Leaving a Narcissist

When you’re going through it, you can be blinded by your own love for them. When they begin ignoring you, your first instinct is to blame yourself. But 4 years later, time after time, you will catch on. Hopefully sooner if you listen carefully. Chances are they never listen to any of your concerns, it’s a relationship of illusions you desperately want to believe. But believe this…deep down they are in it for them and you don’t really matter. No matter how good you are to them it will NEVER BE RECIPROCATED and no matter how long you wait. Move on! Cry your eyes out find yourself in the other side of that long dark tunnel you’ve been living in and NEVER GO BACK. Or you will repeat it over and over until you can barely believe in love anymore.

Amazing, amazing, amazing

I went into the relationship with my ex warned by several people that he was not a nice person. It was hard to accept their allegations because he was amazing to me at first. It was intense. Great looking ex professional athlete, smart, sweet, witty…Prince Charming that totally adored me. What these well intended individuals couldn’t have known and it was months before i realized was that he was also: 1) an alcoholic 2) a cluster of cluster b disorders (narc, bpd, psychopath). What’s sad is even after witnessing the most bizarre behavior…I always took him back because we were heavily invested. Over the next 3 years I broke up with him numerous times because of his cheating, endless litany of lies, gaslighting only to give in when he came crawling back. The recent finale was horrifying even for him. Im going on 3 months of no contact which has it’s blessings. I’m enjoying my freedom, friends and family but im still angry at myself because I was stupid enough to be so deceived. Such betrayal is hard for me to understand since I was in his words “the love of his life”. Peace and resolve is probably a few more months away for me. I have good and bad days and moments when I really miss him. Reality is that there is no going back and I need to be strong enough to never let him and his evil into my world ever again. It’s so hard…even for a strong and informed woman. This site has been invaluable in educating me on his disorders. I see the patterns clearly now. The site also strengthens me when I get weak or doubt myself. Thank you for caring.

How do I know I’m not the narc? He told me million times he doesn’t want me. But I kept chasing. He kept responding and when he responded it was like telling me there’s a chance I can edge my way back in or he would try again. After all, Why wouldn’t he just cut me off if he didn’t want me? Maybe I’m the one who was being that relentless returner who wouldn’t go away? He stopped responding to me days ago, so 1 day ago I finally gave up. He was really nasty to me but claims I was nasty to him which was true both ways. I just hope I’m not the narc in this. Although I’d love the chance to hang up on his call if he ever

This website is a blessing to me! I go to sleep reading it and wake up reading it! Everything make so much sense! I have been with a Narcissists for 4yrs. The last draw was on Mothers day when i suspected something when he did not pick up phone and I called him on it. He had a blowout like always and. Allied me crazy all via text! Never returned my call but sent 45 nasty texts and broke up with me all via text! Keep in mind its Mothers day and I am a mother of two girls! Motherfucker had was ruthless and did not care! I never responded blocked everything! Been on my 3rd day of no contact and as I always predict his next move shows up at my home when I am at work dropping off a stairmaster machine! Woopy! Like i am suppose to be happy to be given a handme down! I blocked everything except text. So this is how i find out he was at my home. He says pick up phone as he knows he is blocked and couldn’t get through. Never responded to text and now i sit here at home and tell myself. The nerve to come by with no invitation. But then again that is him. He comes back like nothing wrong ever happened! He is mentally sick no remose. He has done this so many times. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t sleep for 3 days i go through the grieve and just when i am feeling relieved and feel strong he pops up. I just ordered your books. I am so feed up it dissent hurt anymore. Like I am jaded now and its ok to be treated like this. No its not fucking right!

I was in a situation two months before this last Christmas, some friends set me up with a friend. I found out later he was in Flordia the night he was texting me to meet me, getting to know each other, at his ex fiancé’s house. This was later I found this out, On first date November 7th Friday night went to eat, and the whole time ex kept texting him and he told me and did not reply. Then I go back to his place to meet my son and leave, he has pictures of him and his ex all over living room. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough, next day asked me out again, I said no. Told him that those picture were a red flag. He told me his daughter put those pictures out because the ex fiancé was like a mother to her, well they been broken up three years but he still went to see her some and she came down some too (8 hours). He then started with the Roses once a week, coming over once a week and then the promise ring at Thanksgiving and the diamonds to follow. I broke it off when I found out there was still communication with him and the ex fiancé. He claimed he told her stop. After Christmas things changed fast. He was back in contact with ex fiancé, using excuse that his daughter was living near by, she had run away to be with boyfriend. I broke up again, and he ran straight to flordia to see the ex using excuse about finding his daughter to bring home. Never did. Got back together two weeks later and then he dumped me right before Valentine’s Day, went back to ex in flordia. While together he would always defend the ex fiancé. He would get mad at me and blow up at me for being opinionated and he had a bad sex addiction. He hurt me so bad this last break up, was so ugly and mean to me. Two weeks later I get a text saying he found his daughter in Flordia and she was back home. I NEVER RESPONDED AND WON’T…..

Hi Zari..I’ve written you before but I’m sure you already know this. I was doing fairly well, told the narc in my life exactly what I thought of him..really blew up at him and believed I was done with him and his bullshit. After a couple weeks passed, I began to feel really bad about the hateful things I said to him and I sent him a text and apologized. He thanked me and then said my christmas card was on it’s way..he is the only one who sent me a christmas card two days after christmas. I thought to myself, why bother now. Anyway, he turned 52 in January and I thought it would be a nice gesture to send him a birthday gift…even though he never even wished me a happy birthday on my birthday. I got him a 20 dollar gift cad to walmart and felt bad as he told me he was turning his cell phone off as he needed a new card and couldn’t afford it and that he wanted me to write him a letter instead to let him know how I made out with my surgery of having my gallbladder taken out. So, I sent him 20 dollars along with the walmart gift card. As for my surgery, I wrote him telling him how it went and thought he cared and would reply back. I got no letter. He got my gifts on a thurday. By Saturday I had still not heard from him…no thank you for the gifts..no reply about my surgery. So, saturday night i sent him a text asking him if he got the gifts. Oh yeah, I opened the cards last night, thank you. Was very thoughtful of you. I thought to myself, you had all night friday and all day saturday to thank me and u didn’t. but, I bit my tounge and let it go. The next day I was angry that he had not thanked me on his own, that I had to ask him if he got the gifts and sent him a text saying i bet you would never have thanked me for the gifts if i hadnt asked if u got them and you wouldnt have inquired about my surgery if I hadn’t told you once again how it went. He texted me back saying, I don’t know what you want from me, I’m damned if I do talk to you and I’m damned if I don’t. I don’t like getting into long conversations with you as it always ends in a fight and it’s a lose lose situation 4 the both of us. I told him I wasn’t looking for a fight. Out of frustration, I wrote him a long letter and said I always initiate the conversations and I feel he only talks to me by texting me back because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and tell me he doesnt wanna be friends. I said that’s it, isn’t it? You don’t want to be friends. Two days pass and it’s snowing out…we got about 3 inches but it was enough for the roads to be slippery. He texts me without me texting him first. He says ” if you pick me up now, I will spend a few hours with you”. I was on facebook at the time and told my friends and they all said don’t go, he wont care if your in an accicdent, the roads are bad. So, I ignored his text and said nothing. Ten minutes pass and he texts me again saying ” once in a lifetime…” Again, I say nothing and ignore him…he’s always ignoring my text messages when he doesn’t know what to say so two can play at that game. Fast forward two days…now we have a blizzard here in the northeast. I always stay with my older sister whenever there is a storm and the narc knows this. I am outside during the blizzard shoveling and all of a sudden this eskimo comes out of nowhere and starts talking to me saying” having fun shoveling the snow” and it was the narc in my life! He walked 7 miles in a blizzard and he said he wanted to see if I was staying at my sisters so he thought he’d walk there to see. I told him he is crazy to be out walking in a blizzard and he laughs and said it’s the best time to walk, no cars on the roads. We stood there and talked like old friends. There was no mention of the text messages that I ignored two days earlier. After 30 minutes he said he had to be on his way and I said i’d text him later to see if he got home ok. So, I did. And he texted me back saying he was home safe, thank you for your concern. Then said he was going to go shower so we ended our texting for the day.I was flattered that he walked all that way in a blizzard to see if I was at my sisters. I began to think, he DOES care about me, he DOES like me. Foolishly, I text him a couple days later and ask him if he would join me for dinner at this chinese restaurant I go to every friday night. I said I would pay for the meal and drinks. The narc loves to drink…booze. I thought, he wont turn this offer down. I said i would pick him up and bring him home immediately after dinner unless he wanted to go back to my place…big mistake saying that as it gave the impression I wanted sex and what I meant was for us to go to my place and sit and talk and have a few laughs. Anyway, the narc says ” BIG PILL to swallow. have to think about it. wasn’t expecting that from you”. I tell him take all the time you need to think it over, no pressure. Well, two days pass and he has not texted me with an answer. So I text him. He says my sister and my ex girlfriend both say you are looking for a fight. I don’t trust your motives, I’m sorry. I became angry and my blood pressure went up. Then it turned into a fight. He ended it by saying ” it’s an endless fight, it’s over”. And he stopped texting me. I was extremely upset and felt like throwing in the towel…all I wanted was his company at dinner…and I told him that/ I told him I didnt mean anything sexual about going to my place, just wanted to shoot the shit. Even said he could bring a friend to dinner. He said nothing back to me. I called my sister and told her I felt like taking a bunch of Percocets that I had left over from my surgery. said I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore, can’t beleive he’s hurt me AGAIN. so tired of him hurting me over and over. He wants me to kill myself, he wants my very soul. My sister came over and sat and talked with me for an hour. Then she took me to the hospital where I spoke with a crisis councelor. The councelor told me the narc in my life doesnt want a relationship from me..all he wants is small talk. When he sees you in public he talks to you because it’s the polite thing to do. He respects you and doesnt want to hurt you. He didnt want to use you and thats why he didnt go to dinner and back to your place. I felt better after talking to the councelor and went back to my sisters and stayed the nite at her house. I sent the narc one last text. I said ” this is the last time you will hear from me. You want small talk and I want more. Friendship. and to love and be loved back. I am getting a new phone. I am letting you go. You don’t want my friendship and dont want to hurt my feelings.I can’t have ANY contact with you in order for me to let go and move on completely so please forgive me the next time our paths cross and I avoid you. I will never forget you. See you in the afterlife. When I got home I wanted to give his sister and his ex girlfriend a piece of my mind for getting involved and for telling the narc to end it with me…I wrote them on facebook and told them both I wanted to go to dinner and have his company, I wasn’t trying to pick a fight with him. Etc. I called his ex girlfriend a drunk C*nt among other things. I know they arent back together dating cuz on facebook her status is single. But, he sees her daily as he drops off an elderly man at a place she works as a CNA at. I can only imagine the shit he has said about me to his ex and to his sister whom he lives with. They have brainwashed him against me. He has no mind of his own I guess. Zari, I’m trying my best to break all contact with him. Well, Saturday at 7: 30 his ex read my message on facebook. At 10:45 that same night, the narc sends me a text. Says my sister and my ex girlfriend told me ” IT’S OVER, END IT WITH HER NOW. SHE WILL GET USED TO IT”
I say nothing back to him as I have already told him the last text I sent was the last time he would hear from me. 5 Minutes pass and he texts me again saying ” I HAVE NO CHOICE, THEY WILL KILL ME” I ignore his text. then he says ” they are screaming AT ME TELLING ME TO END IT WITH YOU. i AM BEWILDERED. I continue to ignore his texts. He says it hurts. then he says in another text you are a woman of understanding so I find solice in that. Thank you chachi. another text,We tried, chachi. Then at midnight he said ” phone off till next week, goodnight”. Which tells me he is running low on minutes on his cell phone as he doesnt have unlimited texting like I do. I said nothing at all to anyone of his texts…it was SO hard for me to not say anything but I know I must have NO CONTACT now…for my own sanity. I know the hardest day is yet to come. I will hear from him again…maybe when he gets more minutes and can text again. Or maybe I won’t hear from him for months from now. But, He ALWAYS waltzes back into my life when HE wants to. It’s always on his terms. We both love to walk and I know it’s only a matter of time where I am out walking and he will be as well and he will strike up a conversation and make his small talk and act as if we are best buddies, like nothing ever happened ..like we never had an argument. I told his sister and his ex to mind their fucking business, that he has a mind of his own. But, apparently, he DOESN’T. He is letting the two of them dictate to him who he can and cannot talk to. Who the fuck are they to tell him to end it??????To tell him he MUST detach himself from me. My sisters think they are jealous of me for some reason and are insecure as well. I wish I understood why he sent me the text asking me to pick him up, that he would spend a few hours with me..once in a lifetime….why say that? Why lead me on? That wasn’t an answer to the letter I had wrote him. And when I say nothing, he decides to get my attention by walking to my sisters in a fucking blizzard??????????????? What the hell is he trying to prove??? That he’s fucking nuts? One of my sisters says he’s stalking you. She is the one who also believes his sister and his ex girlfriend are jealous of me. I wonder how he is feeling since I ignored all those texts saturday night. I hear narc’s hate to be ignored. It makes me wonder what he is gonna do next…he will up the antics to get the attention he is wanting. I dont know why he said ” my phone will be off til next week, goodnight” does he think I will text him between now and then?????????? It’s as if he didn’t comprehend the last text I sent him where I told him it was the last time he’d hear from me. what does he want from me??????? hasn’t he hurt me enough? and can’t he think for himself????????? shit, my sisters tell me what to do too but, I don’t listen to them, I do what I want. he has gotten so many outsiders involved and they all think I am always picking a fight with him. I don’t GET that part. How is asking him to dinner picking a fight? I wish I knew what he wants from me. Some say he wants nothing from me. But if that’s true, why the fuck did he spend an hour and fifteen minutes saturday nighht sending me numerous text messages? all I know is I MUST CONTINUE TO IGNORE HIM AND CONTINUE NO CONTACT. God, I pray I am strong enough to stick to it this time…so sorry this post was so long…I didn’t want to leave anything out