Narcissistic partners will inevitably – and without fail – use the sex within the relationship to control their victims. Whether the sex is controlled via withholding, controlling the when and the how often, or just by making it so good that it becomes addictive depends upon the type of narcissist we’re dealing with and how this narcissist has chosen to carry out his/her pathological relationship agenda.
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In my case, the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still the single thing about the relationship that I miss. He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. One of his catch phrases went something like “If two people can be together this long and still have great sex, we must be destined to grow old together”. Yeah…right. That phrase would have been truer had it been “If two people can be together this long and one of them isn’t a narcissist….” because, when it comes to the sex, the fact that one partner is an N changes absolutely everything.
The truth about narcissists and sex is that anything goes and that, unfortunately, means it matters not how great your sex life is together or how loving your N appears to be with you in bed or how perfectly your bodies meld together naked. He will still cheat on you with anyone and everyone, he will still be fascinated with weirder than weird porn, and he will still create profiles on dating sites. As good as the sex is, you may even wonder, from time to scary time, if your N is perhaps bisexual or maybe “curious” about it – even while he’s acting homophobic! To a narcissist, sex means both nothing and everything.
On the one hand, because the N can’t feel love or true affection – and certainly lacks the capacity for commitment – the sex between the two of you (that you cherish) means absolutely nothing to him. Zero. Zilch. On the other hand, sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists (like my ex) can connect to anyone at all and, so, the more sex with a wider variety of people, the better the rush! In the end, when it finally dawned on me that my partner was good in bed only because he’d been practicing outside of the relationship and not because he felt any connection to me, I was completely devastated. I felt tricked. And, deep down, I still fucking hate him for that.
Narcissists like my ex use addictive sex to snag, keep, and eventually devalue their victims. At some point during our relationship (and probably the first time he cheated), my ex discovered his Ace in the Hole. Wow – this is easy. I can be good in bed with anyone and that means more supply for me. Let the games begin! And so, apparently, is exactly what he did.
You see, it’s the narcissist’s job to know how we work. Long before we’ve ever learned how to read the narcissist, he’s got us all figured out. The narcissist knows that if the sex is consistently good, it’s likely we’ll allow it to override the bad stuff. In other words, the sex becomes the narcissist’s benefit of the doubt for everything he’s done, is doing, and even plans to do. One time, during a break-up that I actually initiated, the N sent me an email that was very telling: Thanks a lot for putting me on the streets, bitch. No problem. There’s someone I can stay with and all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear. You’ve given me no choice. Really? Little did I know that when angry, even the most pathological of liars will blurt out some truth. Later, of course, my ex swore up and down that there was no one and that he’d only been trying to push buttons but that one sentence…. all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear… stuck in my head. During yet another “break-up”, I received a text stating, You suck. I can’t believe I wasted all my sex on you all these years. Excuse me? Did he just say wasted all my sex on you ? What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that? Slowly but surely, it became painfully clear to me how he truly felt about all that wonderful sex we were having. Our love was indeed a lie.
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Now, there are other types of narcissists who use the withholding of sex to get what they want from a victim partner. This, I believe, is the most common form of narcissistic sexual control. My ex, of course, was not one of these types of narcissists. Not only did he never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight…right after screaming how much he hated my guts…after cheating on me and getting caught red handed…after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do…..after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)….and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just fuck? To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy (if not demoralizing) way to peace and – what the hell – I knew it would be good! But there were other times as well where I just couldn’t do it and I’d demand to know how he could. “How can you think it’s okay to ask for sex after what you just said to me??” I’d ask, sobbing. His typical matter-of-fact response was to simply lay down on the bed and pat the area beside him. No words…no smiles…just that patting gesture that I unfortunately knew could lead to something I wanted. Other times, he’d respond with nothing but a blank stare. How does what I just said have anything to do with having sex right now? I don’t get it. Towards the end, when I knew that, as good as the sex was, he didn’t really feel anything, as soon as we finished I would just cry. He was clearly beginning to use the sex that he knew that I loved to actually devalue me before each discard. I became very confused and he was as empty inside as empty can be.
In relationships where sex is withheld by the narcissist, victims will often admit that the sex itself – when it finally happens – is not necessarily even that good. The dynamic of the narcissistic manipulation becomes a matter of victims becoming desperate for what they can’t have and the narcissist knowing it. The “reward” of a sexual encounter is then deliberately timed for maximum narcissistic impact such as the end of a silent treatment or after being caught with someone else, or after vanishing off the face of the earth and then reappearing out-of-the-blue. Again, for the victim, the sex becomes the codependency to hope ….the connection to peace with the N…just as it did for me. The sex becomes our connection – the only connection – between us and the narcissist that feels anything like love at all. And because the N is such a good pretender, we accept this love at face value and sadly settle for the crumbs. How sad is that?
Every day, from the stats of visitors that visit this blog, I find an abundance of search terms/phrases that include the words narcissism and sex. This is very telling to me about what weighs heavily on the minds of readers. In this article, I hope I have appropriately shared what I think happens to us in our quest to be loved by a person who can never love us. Even though we see the signs of a narcissistic personality, we don’t want to give up. We still want this person to love us back even after discovering that, because he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t even know what love is….even after discovering that his entire life is ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and he’s okay with that….even after realizing that our pain and suffering is his reward for a job well done.
The time for recovery from narcissist abuse is now, my friends. If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.
Linda
May 16, 2016 at 8:36 amI highly recommend the book.
Tatiana50
May 12, 2016 at 5:25 pmIMPORTANT POST: READ EVERYBODY…20 YEARS AND SHE’S FREE!
Wow. What a powerful article. And every word is the truth. I was married to “one of them” for 20 long years. I was eventually discarded for younger fresher supply in form of a co worker. And you are absolutely correct. My ex was obsessed with porn, sex and profiles on dating websites. I caught him on Ashley Madison. I caught him exchanging nude pictures with the co worker. They are cops and met on their nightshifts. And yes he was oh so good using sex as a making up tool. Eventually it grossed me out. There were no feelings or emotions coming from him. He was ice cold even during sex. Thinking back almost makes me throw up. I hired the best attorney and I filed for divorce. I went no contact. It was a bitter divorce but I recovered. 3 years later my life is peaceful and happy. My entire marriage was a lie. An illusion. Narcissists are unable to love anyone. Including their children. The pain and drama he had caused me were not worth the sex. His entire adult life was all about sex and nothing else. I am glad this evil monster is out of my life. I have my beautiful son who is nothing like his father. My son has a heart instead of an ice lock in its place. There was nothing good about him and I am thankful for the minion at his work. Thank God he could not resist her and thank God that he left the family for her. He set me free and the minion saved my life. They deserve each other.
Zari Ballard
May 14, 2016 at 2:26 amHi Tatiana50,
I just had to mark your post IMPORTANT because the fact that you escaped after 20 years is an INSPIRATION. Nothing more for me to say:) Thank you for sharing and visit often….your voice is appreciated here any time…
Zari xo
Sex Addiction Is Not Narcissism
May 6, 2016 at 2:29 pmWow. You’ve entirely mixed up diagnoses of a Narcissist & a sex addict. Good job..
Zari Ballard
May 6, 2016 at 3:21 pmDear Sex Addiction Is Not Narcissism,
Nope…it is YOU who are mixing it up. I’m talking about narcissism and I know the difference. Do you? The difference is guilt and remorse and the desire to change and narcissists have NONE of that. Consequently, there’s no way that the everyday average, textbook narcissist – the one that I describe – is EVER going to get a pass on cheating behaviors because it “sounds” a lot like the behaviors of a sex addict. No way. And this isn’t to say that a sex addict should get a pass on cheating behaviors either because you can look at it any way that you want but sex addiction behaviors are what they are and nothing about it is good. If you feeling “put out” because you think that narcissism gives sex addiction a bad name or that sex addiction, as a whole, gets a bad rap, all I can say to that is…seriously???
In my mind, based on the damage that both types of personalities do to the people who love them, sex addicts, like narcissists, don’t have a moral right to be defensive about anything. For all I know, you’re just another narcissist out there trying to cover up a bad behavior. You wouldn’t be the first narcissist to use sex addiction as an excuse for ridiculous promiscuity.
Whether you’re a sex addict yourself or just a “defender” of the label, I suggest that you take your comments to the websites of the narcissists themselves and not to the sites where victims are trying to find support for recovery.
Zari
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September 26, 2016 at 3:42 pmYes a narcissist can be addicted to sex. The man I now know is a pathetic, soulless, excellent charmer and gorgeous. And our twelve year “relationship” (I now know it was not real, he will never know love, compassion, kindness for anyone, even himself) was totally based on sex. When I got the courage to tell him I was done you could see he was like a freshly caught fish on the bottom of the boat flipping and flopping and gasping for air because his sex partner had dumped him and he thought he would die from loosing a source of sex. He had very real signs of addiction withdraw, it was actually pretty hilarious now that I look back. I heard he was out every night desperately searching for a sex partner replacement and chose the first sleezy jezebel he could find. was he a narcissist? Beyond a shadow of a doubt. Was he addicted to sex? Absolutely. He believes he must have it or he will die. Poor sad creature. Not my problem.
Fed up already
April 22, 2016 at 5:59 pmI just realized I’m married to a N. Last week I googled why he would have a shirtless profile pic on FB . The answer was right there…. The more I read the more I couldn’t believe…
I never get to talk
My opion is shit
I don’t know shit
I don’t do shit
He talks all the time.. Mostly about himself
His word is gold
He knows everything
He does everything
I’ve found answered craigslist ads for women and men
I’ve found so many profiles on dating apps, some old some new
His response was.. I shouldn’t have been looking for something to get mad about.
He says we don’t have sex because I’m always mad, your damn right I’m mad….hurt, broken and fed up.
In all reality, he is the one who is always mad, pissed off or aggrivated.
I never get an acknowledgment on my Birthday or Mother’s Day. I have never received one single gift other than a card.
But, best bet everyone knows when is HIS day.
So, I’ll be trying to plan my escape as soon as my son graduates…. I’m to the point I’ll leave everything I have acquired in my almost 48 years just to keep my sanity!
Thank you for your informative article and a place to tell my story… There is so much more to tell, but I don’t have the mental energy to articulate it all..
Good luck to everyone! #wastedtime
Jenny Tibbetts
April 6, 2016 at 12:29 pmI am still working through walking away from my NB. It has been a two year emotional rollercoaster. I was married to an alcoholic that was also unfaithful for 15 years and this is the first man I met and dated since my divorce. We are both 44 years old, both attractive, fairly successful people. We have broken up many times in this 2 years and he completely disappears, no response to texts ph calls, completely ignores me which just puts me in a complete state of abandonment and makes me feel crazy over texting and being rediculous. As soon as I stop, and try to move on, he comes back sayin he loves me and can’t lbe without me. I caught him twice with other women at his house. After the hell I went through in my marriage, it was NOTHING compared to how this relationship made me feel. We are done now and I still fear he will come back and I hope I have the strength to say no if he does but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, walking away. Ugh. My question is….has anyone walked away finally and eventually found real, safe, reliable love? And how were you able to stay strong. After this abuse? I still feel I’m in love with this man, I know it’s crazy and yet still.. :((. I want success stories! :))
Diana
May 7, 2016 at 7:58 amHi Jenny,
It will be two years in October of this year with no contact for me and I mean none. Blocked still with the name Ike Turner because that’s who he reminded me of. Yes he still does try to contact me not nearly as much as he did when I left but a voicemail every so often which I delete and don’t listen to. It was hard when I finally decided to go NC as I tried 100x before with no luck. It was as if I was weaning myself off a drug because they make you addicted to their behavior. He was horrible as they all are and made me feel anxious, crazy and brought out a side of me that I didn’t even recognize. What worked for me is support, meditation and loving myself more. I took time off from men for awhile and worked on my healing process and went to therapy. I took care of me 100%. It’s hard and it sucks and you think your life is over but it’s not. For me it’s my beginning and I learned to choose me. And to answer your question YES love will come your way as it did for me. It’s healthy honest and I’ve never been happier. There’s no worry or BS and its stress free.
Know that you will be ok. Know that the feeling is only temporary and you will get through this. If I can you can too. Find the light and wishing you the best.
Tracy
May 12, 2016 at 8:10 amI have been dating a guy now for almost 7 months, when we first met he would call and txt every day. Then into the first 3 months I got very drunk one night and don’t even remember sleeping with him, the next morning the top half of my body was full of bite marks and silly me thought oh well at least he had a good time, he left gave me a kiss and despite my calls and texts he gave me the silent treatment for 10 days.
He txt me and asked to see me, of course I said yes, he was amazing in bed and so very charming, after that the calls are txt were only coming maybe 3 times a week, all I did was panic and get anxious but I am in love with him I told myself,maybe he needs his own space.
2 weeks ago he had stayed over and the last thing he said was I will call you, a week down the line nothing no call or txt so I left a message on answer phone saying that I have given up, silent treatment again. I keep blaming myself but for what? Am I in love with a man that is a narcissistic, I really don’t want to be.
Thank you for what you said it has really made me think about what he is doing to me……the thing is I miss him terribly.
Zari Ballard
May 14, 2016 at 2:43 amHi Tracy,
So sorry that you’re going through this but the abrupt silent treatments are pretty concrete signs that the guy is a narc. It’s a dead giveaway. Understand that this will only get worse as time passes. It’s a game that never gets old for a narc…all it does for you is waste your time and make you feel bad. He’s a piece of shit and you deserve to be happy.
If you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon. It’s my story but it’s all about the silent treatments and the great sex that hooked me. It also describes how I mentally disconnected myself so that I could get over it. It IS possible even through the pain of missing him. What you miss is NOT the man that he really is. Get the book…it will help. I promise.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Confused and annoyed
March 23, 2016 at 10:11 pmHow sad is this? My N discarded me a few weeks ago. I’ve struggled with no contact and so far have been unsuccessful at it but it’s me trying to contact him rather than the other way around. So tonight a friend tells me he’s online trying to find someone to hook up with tonight because he has money for a hotel room. And I am pathetically sitting over here wondering why he doesn’t contact me!!!! i do believe if he did contact me, i would be able to say no at this point strictly for health reasons but I feel so pathetic, sick and disgusted by myself for even thinking this way.
Zari Ballard
May 1, 2016 at 10:42 pmHi Confused and annoyed,
It has been a month since your post and I hope you are doing well. Please update me if you’d like so that your post will bump to the top and I will respond accordingly. Anything could have happened within a month and I do hope it’s good news:) Stay as far away from that sleazebag as you possibly can, sister.
Zari xo
Finally Seeing the Truth
March 21, 2016 at 9:12 pmI can’t even begin to describe how happy I am that I found your site. Although I wasn’t in a relationship with my N for very long, only 7 months or so, this person seriously broke me. I left every argument feeling so confused and not knowing why. I was constantly accused of being passive aggressive even though I know I’m not. He even bought me a book “to help me be less passive aggressive.” He would always tell me he needed space and to breathe and I just thought that’s how he was. he would not respond to texts or calls and would tell me I didn’t respect his need for alone time. He said he already spent more time with me than any of his friends so I should be grateful and not pushing him for more time. He would manipulate the sexual part of our relationship, which was amazing, by telling me that I acted like I was using him for sex and treating him like a “cheap whore.” Since I am who I am, I never wanted him to feel like that so I would go out of my way to make him feel better. He always made me feel like I was so crazy. I literally thought i was losing my mind. And I said so to him, which I now realize was probably quite satisfying for him. About a month ago, he said We had one really big blow up fight and he left. I have never felt so panicked about anything in my life. The thought of never seeing him again seriously terrified me. We stayed in contact and my idiotic self still helped him a little financially. Well, as they say, the shit hit the fan last week. A couple weeks before that, he told me he was late on his rent and I gave him $100. Something wasn’t sitting right with me about it so I started investigating and without going into too many details, found out he used the money to get a hotel room to be with someone else. He now claims he was there alone and needed space from his shitty roommate situation but I’m not that dumb. I have been a fool for him but no one stays in a hotel alone like that 3 days after borrowing rent money. I have to tell you….I lost my shit…I went freaking crazy. i was texting him like mad and he blocked me so I emailed him. When he blocked my email, I made another account and emailed him from that. I went insane. He would respond periodically and lie and lie and lie and lie. I eventually discovered he had done this more than once over the course of our time together. I should’ve known..i really should’ve. I saw him last Thursday because he had several expensive belongings of mine that really help his life and he even tried to guilt me into letting him keep some! i didn’t. When we said goodbye, he hugged me very tightly and said how much he really did care about me but that it was time for me to move on.
I haven’t been able to sleep or eat or really do anything since last week. i’ve felt paralyzed and so stupid and foolish. How could I let this happen at 41 years old? I have two teenage daughters and I would kill them if they let someone treat them this way. Why did I? I’ve been wracking my brain for the last 5 days trying to figure out what was wrong with me that I allowed this to happen to me. It’s been so hard to explain to anyone because I feel like telling the story just makes me seem so weak and gullible.
Reading everything on your site has given me much needed clarity. Even thought it’s made me face the harsh reality that he never cared about me and was lying the whole time, it also means I can take it for what it was and learn from it. I felt hopeless and helpless before finding your site. Now I feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
So from the very bottom of my torn and broken heart, thank you, thank you, thank you. Not only for helping me see something for what it was but also for making me feel like i’m not alone.
Zari Ballard
April 4, 2016 at 4:25 pmHi Finally Seeing the Truth,
Thank you for sharing and I hope you know that YOU are not and never have been the problem. It’s not abnormal or unusual for us to want to believe that the person that we care about or love and who claims to love and care for us back is telling us the truth. Besides, narcissists are very good at what they do or they wouldn’t be narcissists. That’s a fact. So, don’t beat yourself up for unwittingly accepting that which you didn’t recognize in the first place. Of course, you would have recognized the abuse if it were happening to your daughters but when it’s happening to us, we usually don’t see the whole picture. It just is what it is.
Now, it is imperative that you block him at every turn. You’ve said all that you can say to someone who sees no wrong in his own manipulative, abusive behavior. Block him from calling, texting, and emailing. Avoid social media. Cut ties with mutual friends. Let him live his ridiculous life and know that he cane even fathom what it’s like to love anyone and he never will. We’ve all been there…the crazy-making behavior and the desperation rituals and the super-sleuthing. It’s as if we all the same fucking boyfriends!
Girl, if you can, download my book When Love is a Lie from Amazon and give it a read. It will confirm every behavior – both yours and his – and validate every second of your experience. You are never alone in this and recovery HAS to be a team effort because no one but those who have experienced the abusive weirdness will ever understand what happened.
Stay strong and I’m here to support you!
Zari xo
Sick of the BS
May 26, 2016 at 10:34 pmSociopaths are PIGS, my dear. They are the prankster boys left over from the schoolyard. We thought they may have grown up as we did…they didn’t! They enjoy stirring drama to try enlighten their perpetual EMPTY souls & believe me their soul is dark & lonely (the older they get)…so…as hard as it is with your new found knowledge…walk away like a cute kitten with your tail high in the air & don’t look back. Don’t feel ashamed you could show & express LOVE…they envy your ability SO much…they have to put it down…coz, they can’t LOVE back. They bathed in it…it had them feel good to sense feeling admired…they may even boast about it to their male associates (believe me, they won’t have genuine friends – just arse-lickers)…but realise, it was always YOURS.
Look at them as perpetual juvenile teenagers (even if seemingly intelligent, gd jobs & gd-looking)…they NEVER grew up – their brains are caught in a perpetual schoolyard prank… & when U see them as that…it’s easier to walk away…after all, u’r after a MAN, not a boy. Men can enjoy their boy side, too…but, REAL men don’t live in it 24/7. It’s why U need to take TIME to get to know someone & NOT allow urself to be swept up too fast…& if they want to run away coz they aren’t getting what they WANT….learn to let them GO! It’s all want, want want…with sociopaths. Never make someone a priority, that seems to be making you an option! And U know what I mean here…stonewalling, crap excuses and basically, plain bullshit.