Narcissistic partners will inevitably – and without fail – use the sex within the relationship to control their victims. Whether the sex is controlled via withholding, controlling the when and the how often, or just by making it so good that it becomes addictive depends upon the type of narcissist we’re dealing with and how this narcissist has chosen to carry out his/her pathological relationship agenda.
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In my case, the sex was great for the entire twelve years that the narcissist and I were together. It just was. In fact, to this day, the sex is still the single thing about the relationship that I miss. He marveled at it, I marveled at it, and without a doubt, it kept us both interested even during the times when he was being his most horrible self. One of his catch phrases went something like “If two people can be together this long and still have great sex, we must be destined to grow old together”. Yeah…right. That phrase would have been truer had it been “If two people can be together this long and one of them isn’t a narcissist….” because, when it comes to the sex, the fact that one partner is an N changes absolutely everything.
The truth about narcissists and sex is that anything goes and that, unfortunately, means it matters not how great your sex life is together or how loving your N appears to be with you in bed or how perfectly your bodies meld together naked. He will still cheat on you with anyone and everyone, he will still be fascinated with weirder than weird porn, and he will still create profiles on dating sites. As good as the sex is, you may even wonder, from time to scary time, if your N is perhaps bisexual or maybe “curious” about it – even while he’s acting homophobic! To a narcissist, sex means both nothing and everything.
On the one hand, because the N can’t feel love or true affection – and certainly lacks the capacity for commitment – the sex between the two of you (that you cherish) means absolutely nothing to him. Zero. Zilch. On the other hand, sex happens to be one of the only ways that certain narcissists (like my ex) can connect to anyone at all and, so, the more sex with a wider variety of people, the better the rush! In the end, when it finally dawned on me that my partner was good in bed only because he’d been practicing outside of the relationship and not because he felt any connection to me, I was completely devastated. I felt tricked. And, deep down, I still fucking hate him for that.
Narcissists like my ex use addictive sex to snag, keep, and eventually devalue their victims. At some point during our relationship (and probably the first time he cheated), my ex discovered his Ace in the Hole. Wow – this is easy. I can be good in bed with anyone and that means more supply for me. Let the games begin! And so, apparently, is exactly what he did.
You see, it’s the narcissist’s job to know how we work. Long before we’ve ever learned how to read the narcissist, he’s got us all figured out. The narcissist knows that if the sex is consistently good, it’s likely we’ll allow it to override the bad stuff. In other words, the sex becomes the narcissist’s benefit of the doubt for everything he’s done, is doing, and even plans to do. One time, during a break-up that I actually initiated, the N sent me an email that was very telling: Thanks a lot for putting me on the streets, bitch. No problem. There’s someone I can stay with and all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear. You’ve given me no choice. Really? Little did I know that when angry, even the most pathological of liars will blurt out some truth. Later, of course, my ex swore up and down that there was no one and that he’d only been trying to push buttons but that one sentence…. all I have to do is fuck her good and tell her what she wants to hear… stuck in my head. During yet another “break-up”, I received a text stating, You suck. I can’t believe I wasted all my sex on you all these years. Excuse me? Did he just say wasted all my sex on you ? What the hell does that even mean? Who talks like that? Slowly but surely, it became painfully clear to me how he truly felt about all that wonderful sex we were having. Our love was indeed a lie.
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Now, there are other types of narcissists who use the withholding of sex to get what they want from a victim partner. This, I believe, is the most common form of narcissistic sexual control. My ex, of course, was not one of these types of narcissists. Not only did he never withhold sex, he had no problem requesting it no matter what the situation. In the middle of a fight…right after screaming how much he hated my guts…after cheating on me and getting caught red handed…after smacking me hard across the head as he liked to do…..after literally threatening to put a bullet in my head (if he only had a gun)….and then suddenly Uh, could we stop fighting for a minute and just fuck? To be honest, most of the time I jumped at the chance for an easy (if not demoralizing) way to peace and – what the hell – I knew it would be good! But there were other times as well where I just couldn’t do it and I’d demand to know how he could. “How can you think it’s okay to ask for sex after what you just said to me??” I’d ask, sobbing. His typical matter-of-fact response was to simply lay down on the bed and pat the area beside him. No words…no smiles…just that patting gesture that I unfortunately knew could lead to something I wanted. Other times, he’d respond with nothing but a blank stare. How does what I just said have anything to do with having sex right now? I don’t get it. Towards the end, when I knew that, as good as the sex was, he didn’t really feel anything, as soon as we finished I would just cry. He was clearly beginning to use the sex that he knew that I loved to actually devalue me before each discard. I became very confused and he was as empty inside as empty can be.
In relationships where sex is withheld by the narcissist, victims will often admit that the sex itself – when it finally happens – is not necessarily even that good. The dynamic of the narcissistic manipulation becomes a matter of victims becoming desperate for what they can’t have and the narcissist knowing it. The “reward” of a sexual encounter is then deliberately timed for maximum narcissistic impact such as the end of a silent treatment or after being caught with someone else, or after vanishing off the face of the earth and then reappearing out-of-the-blue. Again, for the victim, the sex becomes the codependency to hope ….the connection to peace with the N…just as it did for me. The sex becomes our connection – the only connection – between us and the narcissist that feels anything like love at all. And because the N is such a good pretender, we accept this love at face value and sadly settle for the crumbs. How sad is that?
Every day, from the stats of visitors that visit this blog, I find an abundance of search terms/phrases that include the words narcissism and sex. This is very telling to me about what weighs heavily on the minds of readers. In this article, I hope I have appropriately shared what I think happens to us in our quest to be loved by a person who can never love us. Even though we see the signs of a narcissistic personality, we don’t want to give up. We still want this person to love us back even after discovering that, because he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t even know what love is….even after discovering that his entire life is ruled by a pathological relationship agenda and he’s okay with that….even after realizing that our pain and suffering is his reward for a job well done.
The time for recovery from narcissist abuse is now, my friends. If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.
NoLongerCrazy
March 18, 2016 at 10:29 amThank you for addressing this aspect of a relationship w/a NP. I felt embarrassed that I’d had these thoughts and thus how I stayed in a marriage for 16 years by this rationalization. Even though I got out 3 yrs ago, it’s only in this last year that I discovered who exactly I had been dealing with. It’s so crazy how every time I read a woman’s experience w/an NP I’m mentally check listing “yep, that happened”. Thank you so much for sharing. Makes me feel normal.
Zari Ballard
March 18, 2016 at 6:49 pmYes, when we are involved with narcissists, our lives – and our boyfriends/husbands – basically become interchangeable. It’s like we’re all hangin’ with the same guy!
Zari xo
Anita
February 21, 2016 at 12:02 pmI just realized I was in a relationship with a N. In the beginning he was so nice. He even bought me a new purse to our first date (which I thought was wierd). I’m divorced and I was in a marriage where I was constantly cheated on and ignored so all this attention was so different. Then came the warning signs…he seemed to want to know everything about me but seemed unwilling to share even the most basic information with me. I had to threaten to leave him to even get him to show me where he lived. His phone is constantly being turned off but I think this is intentional. I found out he lives with his uncle in the housing projects. I am fairly successful and stable so I think this was the reason he did not want me to know. We met online and he told me his divorce would be final in a couple of weeks..This was 6 months ago and as far I can tell,nothing has even been filed. I found myself doing things and making concessions for this loser that I never would have done before. He even met my kids. I let him spend the night here all the time even though it was on the couch if my kids were here. We were constantly breaking up though. It was usually because he would tell me he was coming and then not show.he would literally disappear off the face of the earth. I didn’t know where he lived and he would not answer my calls. This never lasted more than a day or two but it was very upsetting and confusing. We stopped going out. The sex was amazing and I think I was so hooked on that I could not realize what was happening. The last straw was valentines day. I was out of town visiting family but came back early to spend the day with him. He never even called me.he sent me a text that morning saying happy V-Day but that was it. I was devastated. Of course the next day it was no big deal when he called.he decided to take his mom to the casino (yeah right) .all these excuses..refuses to take accountability for anything…I blocked his number and facebook..this of course got his attention.he is now so sorry. .loves me so much,etc…funny thing is…the one time I talked to him after he never apologized just wanted to talk about what he has been doing. I hung up and started no contact. He keeps texting me but I ignore him. I just want him to go away but I can’t stop thinking about him.I’m so confused. I feel like I’ve been on a 6 month roller coaster
Zari Ballard
March 15, 2016 at 4:47 pmHi Anita,
Since it’s been so long since your post, please update me so I can help. Your new post will automatically get bumped to the top if you do that. Your story sounds EXACTLY like my own. If you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie because you will see your story in my own…right down to the disappearing, not knowing where he was living, the phone, the great sex as the hook…all of it. So you know, the reason he didn’t want you to see where he lives is so that he’ll always have a safe house that you’ll feel too intimidated to show up at. Mine did the same thing at his mom’s house. It’s a ridiculous, cold, and calculating life with these narcs. Block him from being able to text, call, email, social media…everything. And online dating is FILLED TO THE BRIM with narcs…be very careful.
I’m here if you need me…
Zari xo
Anita
March 15, 2016 at 6:07 pmI’m still in no contact.he managed to get past it a couple of times by calling from a different but I stayed short and hung up quickly. He keeps begging to be friends. It’s funny..I never realized how much he whines all the time. My youngest child doesn’t even do this !
Zari Ballard
March 18, 2016 at 7:16 pmHi Anita,
Ignore those mysterious numbers, girl, and continue to stay strong. Given that he was never your friend to begin with, there’s no way to be friends with an ex-narc. He just wants to keep his foot in the door to ensure that you never move on from the pain. Don’t ever fall for the ruse…
Zari xo
Relieved
February 19, 2016 at 4:04 pmWow Zari this is spot on. The narc I was married to witheld sex and only had sex when he wanted to. If I was not in the mood, tired or unwell he wanted to do it. If I instigated sex and he had the urge too he would watch porn instead and relieve himself. He would go out of his way to ensure I was not happy. At one point I thought he was homosexual as I just could not understand this behaviour. I have never known any man to refuse sex like that. It was so confusing. I’m so grateful that these blogs bring clarity to victims. Narcs are such scumbags.
Joan
February 8, 2016 at 8:32 pmSociopaths / Psychopaths are fun, exciting, seductive, charismatic, impulsive, sexy AND unfortunately individuals diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder. What does this mean to you? Read more: http://bit.ly/Sociopath_411
Inga
January 1, 2016 at 10:57 pmI have read your words and felt like crying…yet again….I have just emerged from a three and a half year relationship with a sexual narcissistic. Like your experience; the sex was so so good…so good it had to be right. Thats what I thought. I was addicted. For the first time in my life; I would have literally run over hot coals to throw myself at this man. I would have done anything. And he knew it, he played upon it. He orchestrated it. All for an exchange of lust and also to feel that bliss of being wanted by him.
Always, always on his terms; we met up once or twice a month in a hotel room. He never came to my place and I never went to his; he did not meet my friends or family and nor did i meet his…. And no; neither of us is or was married to anyone else. Its just how he wanted it; a secret sexual intense storm that vanished as soon as it was over, and left me discarded and ignored. Until the next time, when the sweet texts and calls would begin. It went on for years. He kept me as his supply on the phone each day, kept me maintained as the willing admiring, adoring fool that I was; I changed life plans, ditched other potential boyfriends, altered my holiday plans, did as I was told every time; in short I clung to him and our sexual rapport like a lifeline. All a joke of course. It took me so long to work it out. Nobody ever told me about narcissists. I had no idea. I thought I was involved with an emotionally reticent but deeply caring man who was my friend and lover. Now, the more I read, the more I feel a sinking dismay at how well I have been played. By a master masquerader, after so reading so many womens’ accounts such as yourself, I realise that I didn’t stand a chance against such a shrewd manipulator, both sexually and emotionally. I realised that I was manipulated by the phone calls; so have blocked his number and wham; just like that I am free. So far anyway; its now only day 7, but I don’t think he is the hoovering type thankfully.
Thanks again for such a great article Zari. I am sighing in sadness but relief too when I read your final lines;” If you are here reading, you have most likely come to the end of the line. Educate yourself and understand what you are dealing with. Remove yourself from the manipulated reality and begin to build the wonderful life that you deserve.”
Thats what made my cry.
Much appreciation,
Inga
tanja
December 8, 2015 at 9:37 pmHello everyone, I was with a N on and off for 14 years. This was before I realize what he was. I was also in the same frame of mind that some of you that posted. I left my N 4 years ago and I’m very happy now that I did. Once you realize that you are dealing with a N then you can realize what YOU need to do. You have to go thru the pain of your hurt and realize that the relationship was a lie. You also have to realize that you as a person deserve so much more then what you was getting from your N. They don’t change because they are who they are. Stop worrying if the N is with another, be happy for them and be happy with yourself that you are no longer with them. Stop thinking that after the N leave you or you leave them that there life is so happy and they skipping because they are not. My N thought that he was going to break me down or that I’m so in love with him that I would continue his games, NOT. My love for myself was greater. My N still tries to call or text and even tries to see me (sex) but he he shut down every time. LOL I’m not the same woman anymore and I love myself even more everyday with a smile on my face. The last time I seen him, he wasn’t looking so good. The hell he put me thru has now turn on him. Do I feel sorry for him, NOT because to me what goes around, come around and you do have to pay for it. So Ladies or men’s that dealing with a N, life is to short to waste time on hoping that they will come back or change. Because the same N that left will be the same N that return. Close the door on them and you go skipping on your merry way. Trust me, life is so much better.
Good luck to all who are still struggling.
hannah
December 7, 2015 at 8:52 amMy evil begrudging most disgusting parasitic husband who always preached he wanted me to be a pious wife and that i wasn’t and couldn’t be a good wife cos i wouldn’t be submissive to him…Would give me threats that if i didn’t obey all his rules..eg..Accept his beating,verbal abuse. (Which on a daily basis i was called a fat ugly Bastard,mother fucker,ugly fuck face,lard arse,tranny,ugly fat bitch..etc etc…)oh and threats everyday over a small disagreement that he’d marry someone else..this i had to hear everyday for 9yrs..and then he’d vanish for months,weeks or days just cos bills and kids needed looking after or that his parents never accepted me as his wife…you see he divorced his ex from Pakistan who he said he never fpund attractive cos she wasnt his type so he was only marrying her to please his parents.once he knew i was divorced he chased me for one year till i gave in and he manipulated me by making fake promises..anyway cut long story short…he beat me up every month in the first year,sat on my 8mth pregnant stomache hacked off my hair…said his father said that men hit women and sp did his father do the all these same crimes before him..eg..cheating,his father even murdered and got off..going back yrs now..he would call his mum a slut on a daily basis so really he was already conditioned by a narc father and a mother who praised him if he did wrong and would always put her son on a pedestal so he really had two damaged parents with bad parenting skills.i have had to take years of verbal abuse and serious neglect from him…He would leave me in my most traumatic time..whenever I’d suffer some sort of calamity he’d go off to live at his parents so he didnt have to witness my sufferings or pick up the pieces of his doings.he also has a gambling addiction and drug addiction…and one of the most disgusting things id have to put up with was his perving habits where if a woman stood infront of him or walked past him he’d ogle at her and perv on their bottom..my young son has also noticed how his dad pervs and questioned why daddy does this??..he cheated on me once while my mother went into a coma for 6wks and i was a complete mess as i was told she wouldn’t make it (thank GOD she did!)..the day i heard of my mothers illness he decided to ignore my msgs and calls..i couldnt understand why he was being cold..then while i was suffering during that period..he came to my doorstep one evening and boastfully shouted out the persons name he was seeing…he said he’s going to show me and everyday im going to walk on eggshells with him and the only way for him to lose is for me to kill him…and even then he wins.. (his words..not mine)he later admitted to only meeting that person once and told them he couldnt persue anything as he couldn’t hurt his kids!!can you believe the cheek????..anyhow he wormed his way back in cos i was too thick to let go and put an end to our marriage.he knew i loved him and he knew my fears and what nerve to trigger..so he played on my emotions.Before the cheating…when i had our 2nd child he walked out on me and left me in agony just a day before i gave birth..i was already in labour and he knew i was having contractions but just left so easily and reason was cos he couldnt give up his lifestyle.which was drugs mates and gambling…oh and this man prays all the time by the way!!!..giving other good men a bad name that do pray and act upon the meaning of it and how a husband should really love and treat a woman…He is a fake and i use to tell him the truth which is why he hated me..he now is openly chatting to his ex wife who he once could not stand as she wasnt a good wife too once..like i am now??..surprise surprise..nothing new there…He does not have any empathy nor does he have any shame in any of his evil acts. He was always jealous of me for some strange reason..thats why if someone said he was lucky to have pretty wife like me that would cause some kind of rage and jealousy in him..thats when the threats would begin.Everyday i was called dirty hurtful names over nothing..he is truly sick and evil in every sense..today its been 5mths since our separation as he started to hit the kids and emotionally abusing them to call me those same dirty names he called me .so when my 7yrs old child told him its not good to swear..he turned round and slapped him so hard across the face he actually left a handprint on the side of his face..i called the cops and had an injunction order taken out so he cant come near me or kids with threats or violence..Everyday i pray he suffers great torment and loses everything…but then i might be waiting forever for seeing him pay for his crimes
Zari Ballard
December 14, 2015 at 2:44 pmHi hannah,
You’re story is very heartbreaking and I am sick that you had to endure any of it/all of it. I dare say that your husband leans toward the more sociopathic end of the spectrum. It’s amazing you even survived it. But now you are separated and he is court-ordered to stay away. It is the best possible decision you could have ever made – both to leave him and to make it so he CAN’T see those children. Your children will always remember that you protected them so don’t ever worry about that. The truth is that narcissists can no more love their children than they can love their spouses/partners. It just is what it is. While it’s rough growing up without a father, fathers like this they just don’t need.
I apologize for taking so long to respond to your post. Thank you for sharing and I wish you nothing but the best, sister. Please write anytime…I’m here to support you:) You and your children deserve to be happy. Rush along that divorce and be done with this evil parasite once and for all.
Zari xo
hannah
December 15, 2015 at 3:32 pmHi Zari.Thanks for your support and comforting words .It helps to know I’m not alone . There’s just one thing i can’t stop doing and that’s thinking of him or what he’s doing or if he’s thinking of me.i know i shouldnt as he was an a*** and did not once show any empathy or remorse for my pain.i wish i could stop thinking of him.how long do you think it will take before i can heal and forget him altogether.x
hannah
December 15, 2015 at 3:45 pmI may have survived but the sad truth is my mind and heart are both dead.i can’t function properly nor make any proper decisionsi feel like my mind has been put on pause and I’ve lost track of time and reality .i just sit all day and cry as i truly loved him amd can’t accept the lengths he went to to hurt me.or why he hurt me ? Now I’m always shaking with anxiety and i wake up in middle of the night in a huge panic and sweat..i feel my heart is in my throat thats how how fast its beating.while im suffering here and have done and will continue doing so…he has never suffered any hardship nor trauma like what he bestowed upon me.i pray i get justice by hearing he’s dead.
Zari Ballard
December 20, 2015 at 2:03 amHi Hannah,
Please, girl, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will help you understand what happened. My story shares nowhere near the devastation that you endured but it will offer some insight into the narcissistic mentality and why evil is just evil. You can’t control his behavior or even what happens to him but you CAN control your reaction to all of it. It’s all we can do…
Stay strong!!
Zari xo