Narcissistic Tactics (It’s All Smoke & Mirrors)

12:56am and can’t get any sleep. All I can do is cry and feel I’ve made the biggest mistakes in my life. I’m literally at my wits end.
Today is our 7 year anniversary since we met. In November it will be our 4th year of marriage. I can’t begin to tell you how tumultuous it’s been from the start.

Let me begin with my divorce from my first husband who at the time I didn’t believe he was financially responsible but later realized I was at fault as well. Not the greatest money manager. I was also not the greatest wife. Sometimes I think, I was bit narcissistic myself. I’ve always had a hard time trusting men due to my father cheating on my mother for years and years. Even till this day in his 70’s he continues to peruse dating sites for seniors…Lol…Funny but not funny. I love him to death but still can’t understand why my mother would stay with all her life knowing that he was an unfaithful husband.
My first husband was the most patient and kind man. We married very young, I 16 and he 20. I became an emancipated minor and a year later we had our first child. I really had major insecurity issues and could never fully trust him. We had some pretty gnarly fights but I have to admit looking back, I was no angel. I put this poor man through so much hell. We cheated on each other, me in my own mind I felt I had to have a few in my back pocket before he hurt me. Little did I know I was creating my own hell and sabotaging my relationship from the get go. He decided to cheat on me because he was so hurt by my own same actions over and over again. I know I deserved it. I was a super jealous woman and couldn’t bear watching him speak or admire another womans attractive features (which wasn’t often, less than a handful of times throughout our 20 years of marriage) because it would literally hurt so bad. My own demons of insecurity could never leave me.

Fast forward in 2008, we weren’t fighting anymore for almost 10 years into our marriage. We promised each other and for the children that we would never fight in front of them and that we would never yell at each other, especially me. I had my father’s temper and it wasn’t a pretty one. I still wonder why my x-husband lasted so long. Well one day, we were sitting having dinner at our table with the children, and I decided to take my husband up on his offer to come into work with him on the casino boat he worked on as a chef and just hang out for the day. This offer was made early in the year. I will never forget my x’s face, even my oldest daughter picked up on his sudden change in demeanor. He looked worried. Later he admitted that many of the pretty barmaids had a rather friendly relationship with him, which is one he would have never been ok if it were me. At this point, I was either going to cheat out of being hurt to get back at him or end the marriage once and for all. He later admitted that there was a girl that worked there and reminded him of me which in turn he kind of liked. I was pretty hurt. I had changed so much about myself and felt devastated and betrayed. For some, that may be small potatoes but for me coming from a family where infidelity was prevalent, it was devastating. I ended the marriage and shortly thereafter I met my new husband.
WE met on line and boy was he charismatic, understanding and always giving me so much time and always willing to listen. I have to admit though, I was a bit uneasy about his attitude. He came off a bit arrogant with how he said things and what he would say. I ignored it and figured maybe this is how people behave in the real world. Besides, my x-husband was my very first and I was 14 at the time I met him. What did I know? Not much apparently. I was 33 at the time. I fell head over heels with my 2nd husband and he was smitten immediately! We lived on opposites side of the country, he west, I east. He offered to fly me out so we could meet but at the time, I had never flown and wasn’t ready to get on a plane NO WAY!! I can’t remember why, but I decided to end any kind of contact with him and he went bonkers. Not angry but almost desperate. We met online on 10-12-08, today would mark our 7th year and yet here I am typing this out with my eyes puffy from crying. Nothing new. I didn’t speak to him till December of that year and he shared with me that he was going crazy for not hearing from me for those two months. When I finally did contact him, I was ready to meet him. He flew out and we finally met. I was excited, nervous and I certainly had my shields up because I wasn’t going to allow myself to fall for another guy too quickly. He was very respectful and very attentive. Boy he surely swooped me off my feet. We decided to go dancing but again, my experience in the real world was so new to me that if he looked in the direction of another woman who was very attractive, I would become upset. He would say he was just looking around but I always caught him looking. I thought it was my jealousy but something didn’t quite feel right. He wouldn’t get upset but try to talk to me and calm me down. He even sought out counseling for us so that we had a chance to a healthy relationship. I couldn’t believe all that he was doing for us. Our last session, our counselor reassured me that it was ok to love once again and not fear it. I trusted and I entirely let go in that moment and gave my heart. We broke up the next day. It was right before mothers day and I became upset and pretty much turned my back on him in bed. He was hurt and asked if we were going to attend our session with our counselor and I clearly stated NO. He flew back home that day. This was during his 3rd visit back east. I was heartbroken. He broke up with me.

Fast forward in July, I wrote him an email and apologized for being so irrational that day and asked for forgiveness. It was my peace letter and I was a wreck for almost a month. I couldn’t function at work or even at home. My kids saw a rather depressed mom. He wrote me back and was taken by my honesty and more so my apology. WE got back together and I was so happy. I decided to move west and be near him. I have to admit though, his attitude was different this time. In February of that year, he wanted to propose and move to the east coast but I told him I couldn’t do it simply because we didn’t know each other well enough. He was heartbroken but also understood. He also wanted a child rather quickly but I was done having children. He understood. I felt it was a bit odd he wanted all these things even though he had only visited twice since we had met online. I forgot to mention, during this time I found out he was 51 and not 39 as his online dating profile stated. He broke down and begged that I reconsider. I wasn’t bothered with the age but the fact that he lied to me. I decided to let it go at the behest of my friends advice.

When we got back together, his attitude was very different. I felt I had to do things just right or he would break up with me again. During our drive back to the West Coast, He was irritable and very snappy with me. I convinced myself that it was me who turned him this way but that I would do everything in my power to change this. We moved in together and the treatment only got worse. I had no ideas how many female friends he had and he loved dancing Salsa. Talk about having to control my green eyed monster so that we wouldn’t break up. It was tough but I did have my moments especially when he would talk certain women in such a charismatic way. He had one friend who he was VERY close to. They would go out dancing quite often when we weren’t on the same coast. Again, I figured, this is how adult relationship must be like. My jealousy issues were always thrown back at my face whenever I felt something wasn’t right. We would fight over petty stuff and it would get out of hand quite often. Shouting and screaming and then making up. He broke up with me and sent me packing back to the east coast. Again I was devastated. I felt it was all my fault. We communicated one last time on skype and at that point he wanted a 2 month break. I begged him to reconsider and he was set on his decision. My gut instinct wasn’t wrong and I felt that there was more to this story. I did what every crazy jealous person would do. I checked his emails. I wasn’t wrong. I found several ads he had responded to on craigslist. They were all tranny women. By this time, someone sane would have ended it no question. I confronted him and he denied at first and then I told him I saw the emails. I told him I understood and that I was not judging him in no way. I wanted him back in my life so badly that I was willing to take a chance here. We stayed in contact for a few more weeks.

Our 4th break up was shortly before Thanksgiving. We were on the phone and he told me that he would be having his son over for a week and he would not be able to talk or skype at all. His son wasn’t to open to the idea of his father having a girlfriend since he wanted to repair the relationship between them. Silly me, advised that he any pictures of us away so his son wouldn’t know we were dating since their relationship was very important to me. He said he had no worries and that he would leave them there. Now the following image I’m about to explain came from somewhere’s I’ve yet to understand. But I saw him with another woman in Mexico. I kid you not, I have no idea where this thought and visual image came from. I should have listened then and I even shared it with him. He got so upset and yelled on the phone and said that my jealousy was getting in the way and that when he was ready to speak to me, he would call me. He hung up. I’ve yet to discover why I didn’t end it then. My intuition wasn’t wrong at all. Still blows my mind till this day. He actually ended up going to Puerto Vallarta with that really close friend of his for the week. I found out while cleaning the room and finding an airline ticket stub with that destination. I was so devastated! Even now I can’t help but cry and feel that pain. He said nothing happened. My intuition tells me different, but I deny it even now. I wanted to so get back at him so during one of outings at a local bar, I kept eyeing this guy who noticed me as well and eyed me as well. I wanted him to feel my pain. He became enraged with me and accused me of wanting to sleep with him. I came out and honestly told him why I did it because I was still hurt from that lie. We were set to marry that same month and he told me that I needed to think of what I really wanted and he decided to put off the wedding date until he was ready. So many things have happened since and up until this day. There was a time where he and I were really fighting literally every day over his insensitivity towards me and the names he would call me while all along being sympathetic to this young teacher at school. He’s a school teacher by the way. He was spending quite a bit of time with her and I didn’t find out of this interaction until much later. I remember him talking quite a bit about her and how she loved salsa dancing and what her sign was, and her personal life. She’s married, he’d always say. It dawned on me during that time we were fighting quite often. I just shut it out of my mine and told myself I wouldn’t let my jealousy get the best of me.

There was a time we were screaming and shouting at each other and it became a shoving match. I was trying to get past him and he literally semi bounced me of his chest like you see school kids do when they’re about to get into a fight. I was stunned and taken back. I kept telling him to get out of my way and he did what he did. I convinced myself it wasn’t physical and just a push. Another time, I had a panic attack during one of our shouting matches and he grabbed me by my arms and shook me to calm me down. The next day, I had two pretty bruises on my arms, the size of half dollars and really purple. He felt bad and said he didn’t realize he had grabbed me so hard even though I kept yelling at him that he was hurting me. It took quite a few days for the bruised to wear off and he even commented later that I must bruise easily. I ignored the comment. We’ve been seeing a spiritual teacher for almost 5 years and I have to say he has helped me quite a bit with my jealousy issues stemming from my father. I’ve learned quite a bit. My husband on the other hand has been inconsistent with his sessions alone. We go together but we benefit more when we have our solo sessions. I came to a decisions a while back that I would no longer yell back and fight anymore. If this relationship was going to change, one of us had to change first. So I decided that would be me. He doesn’t yell at me anymore and call me obscene names but he’s still very condescending towards me telling me that because he’s older, he’s got a bit more experience than me. I don’t provoke him because he has stated a few times that I make him angry. But if provoking him means sharing my hurt feelings, then who do I share them with besides our counselor? The fighting has dwindled down but his anger is now way out there. He becomes upset with drivers even if they are elderly drivers. He becomes easily irritated with stuff he may be working on and call it a B.i.t.c H or a whore and this could be his computer or any other kind of material thing. He’s become more aware of his anger but there are times that he looses it completely and tends to take it out on me. At school, his higher ups are on him about work he needs to turn in for some students. He comes home and takes it out on everything including me if I say or do the wrong thing. I feel that in these moments, I am walking on egg shells. Don’t say the wrong thing or you’ll set him off against you. This last weekend was a clear example of that. He came home upset, I asked him to help me with one thing and he became irritated that I was piling more stuff on his plate. I backed off and again, I don’t dare argue with him or challenge him because that will ensue a fight. Remember, I don’t want to provoke him. The weekend was shot on the very first night which is why I am here tonight.

He was upset that his computer wasn’t working. We’ve been dealing with his computer for quite a few weeks and I can thoroughly understand his frustration but keep in mind, I’ve been working on it this whole time. He’s a drummer as well and he tends to join bands, help other people and take on classes at home. He then becomes upset because he feels overwhelmed. This is a never ending cycle. He does this to himself time and time again. I just don’t get this repetitive cycle. Anyhow this weekend was pretty much wasted and ending in a very sad note. I am a very sensitive person and have become more so since searching out and working on my spirituality. I’ve become more open and way more vulnerable and I feel everything on a much greater level. Our teacher sees me growing by leaps and bounds but his desire is to work with my husband more often. When my husband becomes angry, his energy radiates and affects me greatly. I start to shake, my heart beat races and my face feels flush. I couldn’t fix his computer on Friday night and he was super angry but kept saying it wasn’t towards me yet when he asked me questions about the computer he became very attacking. Yet he wasn’t mad at me as he says. I’m on the receiving end and it’s all blasting right at me. I do appreciate him telling me, “right now, I’m not good company so if you would go to our loft space and I can focus on doing some work downstairs. He asked if I understood it wasn’t against me and I told him “absolutely” and he followed with “do you really” almost as if he wanted to pull me in for a fight. I just smiled and nodded my head and reassured him. He then said “I just want to make sure I don’t hear about it later” I went right upstairs but the damage of his anger had already been done. All I kept telling myself is “I can’t do this anymore” When he gets confrontational, I now walk away and hide in a room. I no longer beg for his forgiveness or cry until he decided to let me back in. I feel like I’m becoming more and more detached. I imagine myself being on my own in my own little Tiny House you see on t.v. Lol. I cry much less. I instead watch movies that he won’t watch with me. That brings me some sort of temporary happiness. Saturday we went to the computer store and had his computer fixes. On the way there, I was beside myself but trying my best to keep a smile on my face and my feelings subdued. No crying, remember no crying or you’re going to have to explain to him how his anger affected to you last night. He kept asking and asking if I was ok and I kept telling him i was fine with a smile on my face but I finally broke. I started sobbing and I told him right now, I’m just really sensitive. He asked me why and I told him his energy was just too strong for me to handle last night. He became upset and said that I’m too sensitive and my sensibilities are over the top. He said he wouldn’t say a single thing to me because I personalize everything. It became about me. I do wonder if it is me though. During the repair, he was very distant and wouldn’t say a word to me and when he did, he was very cold. He didn’t talk to me until we got home and that was only to get some assistance installing some programs on his computer. He came into our room, while I was sitting on the floor and brought me a cold glass of water. I surely didn’t expect that. He then turned on the fan. Again, I didn’t expect that. A half hour later he came into the room and was noticeably upset again because the computer was acting up and that I was WRONG for thinking that it would work just fine once we brought it home. I kindly and I mean KINDLY told him I would be more than happy to help with it. I fixed it but no apology for saying that I was WRONG. By the time the computer was working, he was calm now. He wanted to be kissy and loving but I can’t begin to tell you how much I have to force myself to reciprocate without feeling bummed from what happened. So now I think it’s safe to communicate to him my feelings. He responded with saying “my anger wasn’t against you” with this surprised look on his face and then I shared with him what I had read about anger. I made the grave mistake by telling him that anger is also associated with narcissism. Boy, he lost it. He yelled and said, what do those MotherF$%$ckers know….He pointed with his middle finger and kept saying f-u, f-u, f-u and reassured me that it wasn’t me he was saying it to. But then he said how dare I diagnose him without knowing what I’m talking about. He kept saying thank you for that and said maybe I need to find a man that will treat me the way I want. I just stood there and said nothing but only tried to explain myself what I had read and wanted to share with him. He kept saying that I think he’s too stupid to know that truth and that just like everybody else, I wanted to fool him. He said “you know, I’ve experienced people looking down on me all my life and I don’t need one more person to do it” I’ll be honest, I was hoping he was going to be receptive to this information I had found but it actually made things worse. I should have just kept my mouth shut. It’s like I can never feel safe with my emotions around him. I have no one to talk to with the exception of our counselor but yet he’s very busy. So I spent all day to day in the room watching movies. He needed my help several times with his computer and finding files. He kept saying ” I don’t want to bother you or take you away from your activities” I responded kindly and said ” no worries, please now I’m always willing to help” and believe me , I mean that wholeheartedly. He thanked me and I thought maybe we may be making up now but trust me when I say that part of my heart is dying slowly. Later this night, he went to our loft space and was cooking dinner. I came upstairs thinking maybe we can talk now. Nope, I was wrong. He stated the following…” Last night, you stopped the bus and called me out, I decided I would finally get off the bus” “Your sensitivities and your sensibilities, I will never be able to measure up to” “I will never be the man you want or need” “I don’t think you’ll ever find someone who can treat you the way you want” “i don’t want you telling me what is wrong with me or any deep kind of meaningful conversation” “I will remove myself from your environment if I become angry because I don’t want it affecting you” “any spiritual conversation that you have with our teacher, I don’t want you lecturing me over them” (keep in mind, he always asks me how our meetings went and if i don’t share them with him, he feels that I’m not inclusive and becomes upset.) “you go on your path of spiritual search and continue your meetings, sessions whatever with your teacher but i no longer want to hear about them and I will no longer be attending them” “all i ask is if you find someone else, that you have the decency to tell me so that I don’t pay for your excursions” I tried as usual to explain myself and take the blame and apologize and assure him that I don’t want anyone else….here I go again…WHY? If I’m already dying inside, then why not leave? My car is junked, his car is his but we both use it, and we purchased a new car that he can only afford. I have no job other than I work out of our home. Business has been very slow lately but because we’ve been revamping. Finances have been a little slim. If I were to leave, I can’t find it in me to go to places we’ve either visited or I’ve lived in because they just have too many memories. I can’t leave until I have enough money as well and my car is fixed. So if I were to leave, it wouldn’t be for a couple months.

I guess my reason for this post, which is long, is to find out if he is borderline narcissist or is it all in my head or did I cause this to go awry from the get go. I sometimes feel like I’m the one responsible for this outcome. But something else tells me, I’m not. Please clarify and advise me as I need your input greatly. My tears are becoming less and less.
Thank you for taking the time to read this rather long post. Again I have no one to talk to.

Dear Zari,
I have just read both your books ‘When Love is a Lie’ and ‘Stop Spinning, Start Breathing’ and done all the exercises.
I am devastated. I have been in a relationship with my narcissistic partner for the past 15 months with lots of breakups, always me initiating, and he conveniently broke up before the holidays with me and pratically ruined my birthday the other day.
What can I say? The most devastating thing was to realize that it was all a lie. 15 months poured into this relationship with all my heart and soul. Long distance too. I don’t even want to immagine how many times he was unfaithful to me, but my gut says many.
I am an independent, intelligent, home making, fun loving and beautiful woman and a good cook with a good job and he has totally destroyed my trust, my self.esteem, trodden all over my boundaries and left me literally spinning asking myself ‘Who am I’?.
I broke off all comunication yesterday evening after I had broken up with him last week, he kept messaging immediately afterwards with the friend excuse and asked me to give him time to get over his personal problems and that the relationship would start up again at the right time. If that was good, ok, if not to find myself a better man. It is true he has a lot going on at the moment. Serious issues. However in my book that is when you need your significant other the most and he is turning to his friends. I am tired. I feel like I have been drained and I feel I have nothing more to give. I closed all contact after he sent me a goodnight message at 7.00pm. We all know what that means, don’t we? I pray God that the pain I am feeling today will go away.
This guy has no successful intimate relationships in his life, mother, son is in hospital with a serious mental health diagnosis (bipolar) + addiction to drugs, they haven’t been talking for 5 months. Now that the son is getting better he has pushed me in the background and has prioritized everything else in his life.
If you believe it or not this is the second time in two years I have stumbled on this kind of a relationship. Same progress, same mechanics only the previous one lasted only 6 months. Both have devastated me. Both I have not been able to distracate from even through I initiated numerous breakups in response to the breaking of my boundaries. I always went back. My therapist has had the greatest patience in the world.
Both people I met at a famous french holiday resort village for only adults. To all the women out there, watch out for these places they are infested with narcisists and other misfits.
I read your books, you and people like you that have sustained all this pain for decades are true survivors. Ladies you are blessed to have escaped. I hope I am also successful as I blocked him on everything yesterday evening.
His legacy? Notwithstanding everything I know about him and all the work done with the therapist ‘I still love him’.

Goodness me!! I’m so glad I found this website. It’s convinced me that I did nothing wrong and that the problem is that my ex is an absolute fruit loop Narcissist.
It’s the classic Narc tale of charm, disbelief someone so incredible could be single and into me, falling in love and talk of marriage and soulmates and how he loved every single thing about me! And me lapping this up! He told me he knew exactly who I was from the moment he met me, that he loved me as soon as he saw me. But honestly deep down I knew something just didn’t add up. The back story that didn’t make sense chronologically, the fact no one in his life has a name (“a friend”), simple facts about me he couldn’t remember despite being highly intelligent.
Then comes the subtle devaluation. Things I could or should do differently for my own good. Hair, make up etc… Disappearing for days without contact for no reason. Secrecy and deception about the most trivial things. Total inability to converse about the day in normal ways like just saying what he’s done that day. Then other times telling me he loves me and nothing will ever change about that, the he wants to marry me. Then back to ignoring me and acting as if I have no right or reason to be annoyed about this because he has “issues”. Nothing in our relationship was about me. I could have been anyone.
Then discard. He’s still in love with his ex, he can’t be with anyone because it’s all too hard. At least some recognition that he is not normal, that he’s extremely disturbed and will always be alone. But he has no idea he’s a Narc. I cannot wait to tell him if he contacts me.
I’m scared like all survivors of emotional abuse that he will Hoover me back up. I know I don’t want that but the validation feels so amazing. I’ve told literally all my friends about how unhinged he is and I’m fairly confident they will pin me to the ground rather than let me get sucked into his crazy again.
Until you are in this situation, the term narcissistic seems kind of pretty and trivial. Like someone who looks in the mirror too much but it’s the most evil, despicable, destructive and nasty condition.
Good luck to all of us and thank you so much to this site for helping me push this lunatic out of my life.

My mother in law is obsessed with her ex from many years ago! He’s a narcissist and a sociopath, no one wants him. He’s staying at our place but he’s aggressive, a constant source of stress, he’s cruel and verbally abusive, emotionally manipulative and guilt trips her so shenkeeos defending him. He has no job (hasn’t had a job in many years), no money, and basically what he does is he exploits one woman after the other. His ex wife was only 19 when she was already pregnant and several times she had to call the police because he’d hit her pretty badly. My in law is obsessed with keeping him here and even wants to give him money. He doesn’t pay any rent (in two years) and she shared food with him (was feeding him for free until a year ago, when we arrived from SA and cut it off). The house is not just for her and us but we also have homestay students who have several times experienced his aggressive tantrums. It’s like trying to help a wild dog who goes off and bites you for no reason. Some students left because of him, we obviously lost money and are having trouble still. We want him out already before we get even more scared and don’t want our baby that’s on the way to be around him, he’s a monster. We tried everything but she won’t see him for who he is, someone dangerous and manipulative who’s just exploiting her. It seems more and more like she has emotional attachments for him (like she thinks he’ll get back with her or something), we have witnesses. She’ll destroy everything and hurt whoever it takes to keep him around. It’s insane. Please help!! I’m desperate.

I have full blown narcissistic family members. First was my mother. Now it’s my brother. I extricated myself from the family ten years ago.
My dad just died and now I’ve found myself dealing with my brother again.
The emails he sends contradict each other, are full of lies and he tries to keep me confused. Even my other brother can’t follow him. He won’t give me information on my father’s will and I don’t have money for a lawyer!
I told him that I believe somebody stole my identity because all these loans and addresses are in my credit check.. I’VE BEEN out of the country about ten years. . I can’t even check my own credit online. and tonight when I asked for my father’s social security number NOW HE ACCUSED ME OF TRYING TO STEAL HIS IDENTITY! These people are criminals and crazy.
Stay away… Run AWAY!!!! It will hurt maybe your whole life but YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOUR OWN SANITY IT WORTH IT!

Hello, I was only in a relationship for about 6 months with my ex narc. And We started a roofing corp. Well I funded it. He was President and Owner. Well the verbal agreement ” my BAD” never do verbal, was the company would pay my mortgage and help with house bills, guess what NEVER happened… he ran up my discover card to 22,000 in 5 months we got a 15,000 loan from my mom to remodel my house he borrowed 6000. To buy a flat track motorcycle with the promise to pay it back in 2 months when his CD would not charge him a fee for early with drawl NEVER happened, but on that loan we got a legal contract with a lawyer and he signed that one THANK GOD my mom insisted. I had money and made great money by 8 months I moved out of my own master bed room while he stayed in it and still never helped financially by this time I was so brained washed and crazy I would second guess myself. Every month I would tell him I need some help with the bills, he would have a tantrum and always some company bill or renewal of license needed to be paid. I was so brain washed and lost my mind I lost my job I could not focus I would over compensate with being up beat my boss thought I was drinking before work or something, so I got fired. I had been afraid to even talk to him anymore I was walking on egg shells in my own home, he broke up my family my 2 girls moved out cuz off him. He slapped me in August and I learned long ago never push back but to swing to hit the nose or mouth which I did a d busted his lip blood all over he was shocked so he just pushed me down and walked away. I told him get the F out still to no avail! And no money and still living up stairs. So he was going racing I said take your dog I will never watch her for free he walked into the office and brought out 1600. And threw it at me and said is that enough? And left to go racing. He did that for 2 months then hit me again this time I told him get out or I will call the police and look your dog bite me, we can do this two ways your dog can die and you get fined or you can leave now. He tried to snooze me but I was over him because I had been reading on narcissist upstairs for 4 months already, and did my greasing not I just wanted my money. So he left but to come back in the morning and make coffee and shower like nothing. I said you can’t coo this get your shot and get out. So by now I am going to claim bank erupt, he goes and rents a room and pays 400.a month for a room in the ghetto, he tells me that I yell get the hell out never call me again you can’t give me a quarter for a phone call but you will pay that and not me to live in a palace!!!! Well I quit talking to him and he came around for sex so I said sure come on over, lol made out with him used my toy and made him take care of himself and then said you better go now. He couldn’t believe that. So he tried again I said I don’t feel like it , tried about 5 days then we gad one more Hugh romp and that was the last time I ever has sex with him he knew what I did, but tried again. Well I incorporated NC and he wanted to be the first to say marry Christmas after 2 weeks earlier he text me my Christmas was going to be crappy, whatever his was I had my kids and grandbaby…same with new year didn’t answer just text what!!! Do you want to bitch at me about he called and called but no answer so he text I just wanted to say happy new year first. Well lets go back 6 days earlier we went to lunch I was going to talk finances he was think sex bubble bath dinner comedy show, what I had wanted to do all her but he raced ass hole… so he made a bubble bath but I left good thing, cuz he did that with his ex wife at the same hotel, only she got in and he beat the crap out of her and threw her out of the room naked. God was with me, he left his car keys in my purse but before I left I said you are out of your mind if you really think I came here to screw you you couldnof offered me this cash ass hole and left. Well I found his keys in my purse and checked them on my licks he still had a house key I took both. So he calls at 6 am can you bring my keys I said how much are they worth to you he said ohh your not gonna do that I sad sure I am, he said 20 I said nope take a cap I want 50 loll so he did. Well about 6 days he calls I finally answer this time cuz he’s bugging me I say what now? He threatens me to kill me, my friend Rick heard it all grabbed phone and told him he recorded it and he’s taking me to police, he hung up… so he didn’t fight the RO because he would look stupid. But now after I’m broke, lost my job, he’s seeing me cuz I repos my van turned off the phone in my name, cops said dont give him nothing you owe him nothing. So I did give him some but found pawn slips that he pawned tools but I have police report what I gave, my discover card and a legal signed signed document. But he’s sueing me for 25,000 Good Luck I have so much proof a lawyer would be proud of me. But yup he jeeps taking me to court to see how I look cuz he can’t call or be around me. Thank God I documented, took pictures and am legal. So that’s my story, we go to court on march for the money, but on march Virginia is has criminal charges on him for treating my life, oh yeah he’s a felon of domestic violence so not his first rodeo but ex wife wants to be called as a witness. Who Thinks He Going Back To The Clinker… But I was lucky God was watching over me… Never meet like I did, I know now how barley that could of ended up. But all the stuff everyone is saying I went thru to..
Lets all be strong and sharper .

Hello Zari,
I’m hoping you can help give me a bit of insight on my Narc. I finally grew a pair and blocked him yesterday on social media and on my phone after 4 timultuous months of him being back in my life. We were dating for 1 1/2 years and I moved in with him after 6 months of dating because he gave me an ultimatum that “you either move in with me, or we need to not see each other as much.” I’m pretty sure it was so that he could gain financial help with paying his high rent. Within almost a year, his alcoholism, lies and deceit had brought me to such a low and depressed level to where I had to leave. Something kept telling me to go and get out fast after months of verbal and mental abuse he endured. He took me for granted with how sweet and kind of a woman I am and how I would always wipe his ass when he needed it, but I received nothing in return. He’d always tell me that I was the woman he wanted to marry, he never met anyone as amazing as me and how he wanted a future with me. Well his actions spoke louder than words and this man-child has no idea what a real, honest and true hard working man looks like. The first red flag was his relationship with his mother and how she gives him everything he wants. He wants a $1500 television for his birthday? It’d be delivered to his front door on Monday. It’s continued to this day. He calls and she delivers and he would muster a thank you and that was it. I’ve read a lot of info on Narcs and this supposedly one the many toxic traits they acquire and is a detriment to them.
Anyways, after I left him in May, we didn’t speak for 7 months and I was still obsessing over him, what he was doing, if he was still drinking heavily and if he found someone new but at the same time I was finally growing into my own independent woman who was finally starting to heal from the abuse. Unfortunately 7 months later he reeled me back in. He must have ran out of supply. But of course I fell for it and I thought that “wow, maybe he actually woke up and realized how amazing I am for him and he truly loves me still.” So for the past 4 months I have been on this roller coaster AGAIN.
When we lived together, he would use social media as a tactic to troll for women and would message them at ungodly hours and yet would tell me that they were all friends of his from high school and it was innocent. My gut told me differently, but I stayed. One night I woke up to a loud girl talking outside our apartment and I caught him in the car with one of my ex employees (him and I worked together at the time) and all it came down to was a kiss on the cheek. I confronted her and she said that he had been pursuing her for a while and that he asked her for sex that night but she declined. I should have left then but I still stayed. After he raged at me that he felt neglected (my mother was dying) he finally apologized and told me he’d do anything to build trust again and that he was stupidly drunk. I wanted to believe that maybe this would shake him into reality but of course it didn’t. The trust was never built because he never tried and frankly he didn’t care. He began to drink a lot more and would start hiding it from me. Shortly after was when I moved out and when I moved out, I snooped on his tablet and he yet again had messaged and called this woman who he met in her car that one evening. So here she was again. I flipped, I called her and she told me awful things and eluded to the fact that they slept together but he cried and denied and denied. I will never know what the truth was. I do know now that he tried to get laid after we broke up but she must have finally caught onto his lies and how he simply just used her for sex and attention. As far as I know they are not in contact.
Why should I care right? What I am getting at here is that this time around he told me he wanted to be monogamous and those were the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long. So I fell for it. In just a matter of weeks, including his disappearances, texts at ungodly hours and then reappearing and professing his love to me, I found his profile on a dating site and I lost it. When I confronted him, he blocked my number and we didn’t speak for almost two weeks. If that doesn’t scream guilt I don’t know what does… But his excuse was that he was so angry with me that he had to stop contact until he calmed down. I fell for it. I apologized that I always have and was always the one to reach out to make peace. After he blocked me, I didn’t really care actually. I started to feel better and knew that this guy was a coward and this was my opportunity to let it all go. Sure enough, I wake up two weeks later to 3 voicemails and text messages at 6 a.m with him pleading for me to please call him, that he needed help. I contacted him, we spoke one night to talk things over and he was drinking of course and was in my face spewing nasty words and telling me that I sleep with men for money and he has proof. Mind you my uncle tried to molest me 2 months prior as it was a mistake to tell my Narc that. He told me I asked for it and I knew how my uncle felt about me but that I went along with it to gain money. Sick things like that. I told him to shut his mouth and stop telling me such insane logics or to get the hell out of my car. That shut him up and then he told me that he still doesn’t believe anything I say, all while he’s bawling his eyes out begging for me to be in his life. I fell for it. I’m proud of myself for not sleeping with him that night because it was time to prove to him that I am worth more, he can enjoy my company, we can talk, but nothing more. After a decent night together (he got angry with me when I mentioned things from the past that he didn’t want to hear) and called me names but I still stayed since it was so late in the night. He initiated contact the next day and told me that he wanted to see me Sunday so we could watch an award show together and he was going to cook me dinner. It sounded fantastic because we had agreed to start over. We had two days where we got along great and we seemed to be okay with how things were going. Low and behold one morning I wake up to him berating me for having more than 1 Facebook account ( the other is for work) and that I was doing something shady and he would hate to know what I’ve done behind his back. I lost it and explained to him the best I could as to why he was calling me guilty for something I have never done to him. I reached out to make things right (he was sober), we had another good convo about how we can move forward and that what I explained to him made total sense. We agreed to keep our plans on for Sunday. But it wasn’t good enough because at 2 am he calls me (Saturday) and begs me to please come over because he needed to feel my body. I declined because I am in nursing school and was studying so that I could see him the next day! He wouldn’t take no for an answer and he started to call me awful names, that I don’t care about his feelings and that I meant nothing I said in our nice conversation we had just a few hours prior. I thought at that point it’s over. I’m not talking to him anymore and he will never apologize for how crazy he acted because I wouldn’t come over on HIS TIME and HIS TERMS. Surprisingly the next day he sent me the first apology I had gotten in months from him saying “I’m sorry for my awful behavior for no reason and I don’t understand how I can be so kind and so caring but then I can make the stupidest decisions within a matter of minutes”. I texted him telling him I forgive him but it’s best we move on. He said he understood and that he loves me so much and that he will do what it takes to be a better man. We said our goodbyes even though he kept trying to latch me back in with all the “I love you so much, you have no idea”. But I was asleep by that point and when I woke up it looks like since I hadn’t responded, he decides to get onto my Facebook and make insensible comments on a picture with a friend and I. This was yesterday morning and I texted him telling him that this is exactly what I’m talking about and that I don’t believe him when he tells me he loves me for this exact reason. Then I blocked him.

Thanks for listening Zari to that long description but I’m hoping maybe you can confirm for me that I am dealing with a Narc (he’s an alcoholic too) so I though that can make it harder to determine. I’m confused because I always wonder… Does he accuse me of doing such weird things when in reality that’s exactly what he’s doing? I’m terrified to know if he was sleeping with more woman than I am aware of when we were together but it’s a thought in my mind constantly. It makes me sick. He lives a secretive life, keeps to himself, hides behind computer screens, makes massive lies on his profiles, has no car, and is an alcoholic. I know he’s a broken man but I am so freaking angry I did this again to myself and that I showed him my love even when he took it for granted and when he may not possibly love me back. It’s been a little over 24 hours of NC and I wonder if he even cares. He’ll probably just call another girl now… Man I feel like an idiot. I wanted to believe he’s changed. And lastly, will another woman “be better for him” and make him change his ways? Thank you….