The narcissist will always be the Grinch that steals our Christmas.
With that said, I bet I could leave the rest of the page blank, letting you fill in the blanks! Yes, it’s that time of year again, friends! Readers who suffer the Holiday Discard will always understand what I’m talking about because narcissists and holidays never change. We’ve all felt the heartache of being abandoned and/or rejected over the holiday season by the one person – our narcissistic partner – that we yearned to celebrate it with. Typically, it happens over and over to the point that we don’t even expect this person to be around much past October or November. At least it was this way for me. My ex – the narcissist of my books – was the Grinch that stole my Christmas every year for 13-years.
I won’t repeat my entire story because When Love Is a Lie says it all. What I will say is that the memory of those Christmases past is vivid even today. The N was present, of course, for our first holiday season but that was only because we got together in October and he had no choice. After all, the Idolize, love-bombing phase must go on. But after that, my narcissist would disappear every October and not return until – I kid you not – January 2nd. This isn’t to say that he didn’t think of me at Xmas. In 2010, ten days after I tearfully sent a Facebook message to the girl I suspected he was staying with, he was thoughtful enough to have me served with a restraining order at 8:00pm Xmas Eve night. My suspicions, obviously, were confirmed. My heart, obviously, was shattered in a million pieces.
So, why do they do it? Why is every narcissist the Grinch who steals not only our hearts but our holidays as well? Christmas comes but once a year…you’d think that even a narcissist could manage to stick around or at least be pleasant for those few days but they can’t. It’s not in their nature. With the possible exception of the very first Xmas of the relationship, the truth is that nothing and nobody is ever going to turn him into Santa. So, what does the narcissist do over the holidays, then, when he’s not with us? And if he is around for Xmas, why does he have to make it so miserable? I mean, what kind of person plans to ruin the holidays?! Although I can’t, of course, presume to know what every narcissist is thinking at Xmas, I believe it must have something to do with at least one or some combination of the following:
- He’s a seasonal narcissist – meaning that he spends his holidays with someone else every year. This is, of course, refers to the vanishing narcissist. The Houdini of the Holidays. The pattern and the length of time he’s gone will always provide clues as to what he’s up to. Because my N consistently vanished from October until after New Years each year, I wasn’t stupid enough to think that he was really staying at his mom’s during that time as he would insist. He’d turn off his phone and/or change his cell number AND sometimes even move out of wherever he was living. I mean, he disappeared. In the early years, I was able to find him, but later on and towards the end, I had no clue where he was at. I only had suspicions. Towards the end, it occurred to me that it was quite possible that – even after all those years “together” – I was actually the other woman the whole time. Talk about an “a-ha” moment! The bottom line is that if your narcissist is a Holiday Houdini, you can safely assume that he is NOT alone and that when he returns, someone else is getting the silent treatment.
- It’s too much responsibility. No narcissist wants personal responsibility, least of all at Christmas time. If there are children around, all the more reason for him to run for the hills or become sullen – even if the kids are his. The festivity of the season is simply too much and, besides, it’s not all about him. Even a narcissist knows that with certain celebratory events come certain expectations – expectations that he has no intention of filling. So, rather than wing it like a normal guy, a narcissist would rather act like a dick so that no one has a good time OR remove himself from the situation completely. It matters not that your heart will be broken or that you’ll have to explain his absence or surly demeanor to his/your children. A narcissist’s only concern is that he be able to resurface with no repercussions. He’ll fully expect a post-Xmas pass for his bad behavior and then some hot post-Xmas make-up sex…and he usually gets what he wants. And if he’s been gone and the story of where he’s been sounds suspicious, refer above to bullet #1.
- It’s not about him. Narcissists keep us busy day in and day out with one crisis after another…and it’s all about him. No matter what we’re doing, he wants us to be thinking about him and it doesn’t even have to be a positive thought. Negative thoughts work just fine and, in fact, actually work better because negative thoughts that go unresolved will always last longer than happy thoughts. The holiday season, because it automatically causes us to focus on family and friends and gifts and parties and trees and children, is a source of angst for every narcissist on this planet. For this reason, he will start a fight, opt out on presents, give you the silent treatment, go to Xmas parties without inviting you, triangulate, and cause general suspicion until your brain is consumed with figuring out what the hell is going on. The narcissist’s holiday chaos will last until the season is well over and all outside influences and commitments have faded away.
The truth is that the narcissist is a year-long Grinch…he’s the Grinch who steals birthdays and holidays and anything that takes the focus off of him. He is a celebratory buzz kill and he plans all year to be the best buzz kill he can be.
This year, do not allow any narcissistic person to interfere with your celebration. For those who co-parent with a narcissist, your job is more difficult. You will have to mask the anger and/or sadness for the sake of the children. You will have to make up for everything he lacks or doesn’t bring to the party but you will be the better person. For all others, if the narcissist in your life vanishes or refuses to cooperate in a civilized manner, do your own thing and cancel his invitation. Cross him off your Christmas list.
This year, participate in the holiday season as if it were your last one. Make memories with your children or your friends and family and fuck the narcissistic Grinch. We have no clue what life will serve us tomorrow and time is a’wastin. The narcissist only thrives when you suffer so begin to break free one small choice at a time. If you’re not together, commit to a holiday “no contact” like no other and follow-through.
Finally, remember that in two weeks, we get a new year, a fresh start and an empty canvas upon which to paint any fucking picture we please. Let’s make it good, my friends, because life is short. For 2017, paint yourself a masterpiece.
Much Love…
(Updated from 12/15/15)
Luluka
December 10, 2016 at 12:35 pmHi Zari,
I doubt that you will remember me, but this time last year, I had found your site (which lead me to discover narcissism) and shared my story with you under one of your posts. I explained how I met two narcissistic girls online, and how the second friendship managed to destroy me even through social media. We exchanged a few comments, and in one of them you told me that you believed I was “a force to be reckoned with.” Last December, that was the complete opposite of what I was–I was beyond a mess. This December, a full year later, that’s exactly what I am–and more. It was a hard journey, but my life is happy and free as never before. I’ve come by to drop a comment here because it’s my birthday today and I simply wanted to let you know how grateful I am for not just your comments to me, but also for running this blog the way you do. You and your blog played a very big part in convincing and encouraging me (and many others) to take control of my life and to get rid of the narcissist that had been poisoning me last year. I don’t want to write too much, so let me just say a massive thank you. You’re a wonderful person and I hope you’re doing well. Keep doing what you’re doing, and thank you once again.
Luluka xo
Jennifer
December 6, 2016 at 3:16 pmZari, I’ve read all your books and love reading your articles. I’ve been without my narc and no contact almost 2 years now. Although it’s still very hard, your writings always make me feel better and stronger. Thank you
Jennifer
Zari Ballard
December 6, 2016 at 8:11 pmHi Jennifer,
Congrats to you for making the two years mark! Stay focused and strong and keep on right path. I’m am grateful to be able to help you in any way that I can, sister:)
Zari xo
Esmer
March 24, 2016 at 4:53 amHi, Wishing I had found this site a long time ago. I am N free for 7 yrs now, but I have an 8 yr old. So unfortunately for me I have to keep in touch. I have had amazing support from friends, but nobody truly understands how the N works. After reading a lot on your blog, it all makes sense now, and I am happy and healed an single. I was under the Ns power for a long time and he reduced me to a pathetic excuse of a woman. It took a great deal of courage to walk away from him. I just left with the clothes on my back and my 9mth old in her pram. I never regret it, never look back. He had broken me.. he had try to make out I was post natal depressed and making up stories. It was hard to come back to who I was before the N, but I am now, and very happy on my own and I have a great life. If only I didnt have to deal with him. My issues now are how he is with our daughter, she is a Trophy child.. Xmas this year, at last moment wanted her for xmas day because the new GF and mother and family would be there.. and the rest of the holiday he was just too busy to see her. This pissed me right off, as I work hard, and I nurture and love my daughter and I want XMAS day to be mine.. but I have to rise above it all and show that what he is doing doesn’t bother me. It does.. it bothers me.. How do I deal with these moments… its not just xmas, its horse riding.. its her swimming.. Parents night.. he does none of them. He couldnt even praise her horse riding.. After four lessons she is doing great but all he can do is critisise. Swimming, she is at Club level, and BURST with pride and he doesnt even come to see her swim.. She is noticing now, and I am so tired of say he is busy, he is this, he is that… really her father is just a selfish twat. So how do others deal with them.
Paige L Musser
March 24, 2016 at 1:45 amZari-
When first reading your articles about your experiences, I was so taken aback at how spot on it seemed you were describing my “N” everything you went through was so crazy just like what I have been through the past year with my now X. It was as if you were describing my life. I never new the real meaning of Narcissism until I started a life with this man. Whom I have just recently went No Contact with by blocking his number after a year of what I can only describe as an emotional roller coaster of mental abuse and anguish. I have suffered heartbreak in my 45 years, but never like this. To say you have helped me is an understatement, As hard as it has been I couldn’t do it without reading your words of wisdom, and experience. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your experience, Strength and Hope. Paige
Zari Ballard
March 24, 2016 at 11:02 pmHi Paige,
Thanks for writing and I’m grateful to help in even the smallest of ways. It’s always a shock and a half when we see our story in someone ELSE’S story, isn’t it? This abuse is so covert and mind-boggling that we can barely wrap our heads around it let alone accept that it actually is WHAT WE THINK IT IS. This is why we have to stick together. I’m a firm believer that recovery is a team effort. Welcome to the team!
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Luluka
January 5, 2016 at 4:26 amHi Zari,
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you a very happy New Year! I find myself again on your site to share a funny story involving a narc friend during this year’s Christmas. If you remember my story about my two online narc “best friends”, you’ll be glad to know that recently my close friend’s behaviour lead me to believe she is a narc as well; third one in a row, what can I say–I’m a lucky gal! The thing about this girl is that (let’s call her H), although I’d been noting things I didn’t like for quite some time (possessiveness, silent treatments, triangulation, etc.), I’d ignored them because–at the time of noticing them–I was too busy dealing with one of the narc “best friends”. After I’d gotten rid of her, though, whenever I hanged out with H or contacted her, I either felt familiarly anxious or felt alright, but had my gut instinct going off in the background like a horn. I ignored it as I was just in the process of healing from the other narc–I was being too suspicious, not everyone around me was a narc. Right? Wrong. Not everyone, but she does seem to have some strong narc tendencies. There was a time months ago where she would be texting me constantly and we would meet up frequently (idealisation stage, maybe), but this December she seemed to do everything in her power to make me feel like an inconvenience. First of all, she became phenomenally unreliable at replying to my texts. I kid you not, she wouldn’t have responded even if I told her I was on fire. She really enjoyed making vague plans with me and then ignoring my “When and where?” texts on the day planned, or replied the next day that the plans were cancelled (you don’t say?). So I began to call her instead. She answered for a while. Then she found a way to use that against me too. If I called her, it was okay for her not to reply. If SHE called ME and I wasn’t able to pick up right away, she refused to answer me later. One day, I missed her phone call and called her back in literally two minutes–I texted her to ask her what happened and called her six times. Guess how many times she called me back? That’s right–zero. I shrugged it off and still made an effort to keep asking her how she’s doing–I was genuinely concerned, knowing how hard she works. Eventually, though, I suggested to myself to bang my head against a wall instead, since it’d be more effective than trying to get in touch with her. I followed my own suggestion, when she texted me to say happy New Year. I was pleased about it, until I tried to reply–she had blocked me on every single platform. I was, and still am, very confused. The funny thing about this story is that, while I was ranting to H about the other narc, she jokingly asked, “How funny would it be if you were venting about a psycho to another psycho?” Not very funny-haha, but very funny-ironic, pal. I feel like sometimes these people care so little that they actually tell us outright what they are, but we go temporarily deaf. Either way, I think every narc should be sent a “get better soon” card for Christmas–because they’re just a disease.
I’m looking forward to more posts from you–as always, they’re spot on. Best wishes,
Luluka xoxo
Jo
December 30, 2015 at 9:09 pmWow … Spot on Zari. Sounds so familiar – fortunately my relationship with an N was only 2.5 yrs long. It’s been 5 years since he left but I can still recall his weirdness in great detail. If I would have known what I was dealing with from the get go I would have ditched him. It’s amazing how long the pain and unsettled feelings last. I still do not trust men much at all after the crap he pulled!
Happy New Year without the N!
Christine
December 29, 2015 at 11:30 amEgads that’s a scary picture Zari, LOL! Seriously, I hope that everyone here gets to the point where they’re no longer thinking about dealing with narcissists during holidays (or any other time, for that matter). I will say this for myself, I at least never spent a holiday season with the narcissist and was much better off for it! I just had a fantastic Christmas with my loving boyfriend, family and friends…and am so glad I didn’t deprive myself of wonderful experiences like that by wasting any more time with the narcissist.
I just want to give people here a warning that sometimes, hoovering attempts will increase during the holiday season (if you’re not with the narcissist any longer). Many times, they figure that you might be feeling more forgiving and generous (the “Christmas spirit”) so you might give them another chance. I don’t think it’s a mere coincidence that for me, the hoovers from the narcissist increased right around the holiday season. I just want to tell everyone here to please not fall for it! That would be like trying to revive a dead plant, rather than planting a new seed that still has potential to grow.
A new year is right around the corner. I hope everyone’s is a narcissist-free zone!
Zari Ballard
December 29, 2015 at 7:38 pmHi Christine,
Egads is right! Isn’t that the most horrible picture ever? I had trouble finding just the right image for the article although I knew I’d know it if I saw it. And then I saw it. Yikes! LOLOL
Have an awesome New Years, girl, and thanks for all your help here and for sharing your wisdom over the past year. I appreciate you!
Zari xo