When we leave a narcissist or the narcissist discards us, there’s always the worry that he/she will move on to become a different person. Although we know he’s still an asshole, we imagine that he’s truly in love now and as happy as can be and we just don’t get it. Social media may even confirm this for us as we get obsessed about stalking the narcissistic ex on every avenue possible. But how could he be happy? How can he love her and not me? Maybe he ISN’T a narcissist! Even though we shouldn’t give a shit, it’s normal to feel this way given the time that we’ve invested in the relationship.
It’s a SOCIAL MEDIA MIND-FUCK and what do we do about it?
And while it’s natural to feel this after almost every type of break-up (including normal ones), a broken heart never weighs so heavy as it does when our ex-partner is a narcissist. Consequently, in order to move on, we’ve simply GOT to shake that nagging uncomfortable feeling that he’s suddenly happy and the easiest way to do this is by changing our perspective.
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The truth is that no, a true narcissist never changes his stripes – ever. And, moreover, it’s highly unlikely that he wasn’t a narcissist because of all the mind-boggling behaviors that led you to my website and others like it. If our exes weren’t narcissists, we would have never had reasons to goggle things like “my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment” or “my girlfriend disappears and reappears like it’s no big deal” or “my boyfriend keeps his cell phone hidden” or (from my own 13-year hell) “Why would my boyfriend change his cell number 10 times in two years?” The list goes on and on. Bottom line is that you don’t have to wonder about that. Your ex IS a narcissist and a narcissist never changes his stripes no matter who his victim is. Eventually, her story will be just like your story. It’s just a matter of time.
So, is your ex happy in his new relationship? The answer is a resounding NO, he is not. He’s the exact same jerk he’s always been except that, right now, he’s in the Idolize future-faking an unfortunate new target. Rest assured he is following the exact same relationship agenda and, inevitably, as it did with you, everything wonderful will take a tragic turn. In the meantime, though, he’s going to do everything he can to create an illusion of happiness. The narcissist will take to Facebook and/or other forms of social media with a vengeance, posting happy picture upon happy picture in hopes that you will SEE how fucking happy he is and LEARN YOUR LESSON! And if, by chance, you choose to avoid social media post-breakup, he’ll continue to post on the chance that your friends will see it! The new victim, of course, will post as well but with an entirely different intention. Chances are good that she doesn’t even know who you are or that you even existed at all. The poor dear actually believes he really loves her…just like you did. A narcissist never ever changes.
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You see, creating an illusion of happiness is a narcissist’s favorite form of post-breakup damage control. It’s just another narcissistic tactic for casting doubt, instilling anxiety, and retaining basic control over your emotions. The intention of the N now is to quickly reinvent himself – like a chameleon – according to his new surroundings and circle of friends. It will appear that he’s become a completely different person almost overnight but it’s actually a grand ruse. It’s a carefully contrived transformation that suddenly alludes to everything that you never knew him to be. In other words, if he appeared to have no friends while he was with you, it will appear on social media as if he is surrounded by friends in his new relationship. See? I have friends now – all those friends that never came around because of YOU! It’s an illusion…and it will never last. He can create a million disguises but the fact is he is what he is. A narcissist is a pretender who simply rinses and repeats a charade. How long do you think he can keep from telling even the teeniest of lies? How long before he starts playing the Cell Phone Game and giving her the silent treatment? You know this person inside and out and nothing has changed just because you’ve broken up. The narcissist was born a chameleon and he will be a chameleon long after you’re gone.
So, dry your cryin’ eyes, my friends, and let us all be grateful that our ex is someone else’s problem. It’s time to overcome the pain and become free of unhealthy relationships. If you feel a pang one morning, simply play the game of Postpone & Pretend and continue on with your day. As for social media, I can only say stay away from it. An avid Facebook checker (and hacker) during my relationship, I chose to completely avoid it after the break-up and it had everything to do with my recovery. What I didn’t see couldn’t hurt me and it will work the same for you. You’d be amazed.
The only thing that has changed about you OR the narcissist is that YOU are free. And Amen to that!
Lee
June 5, 2017 at 1:24 pmI was with my N for a little over a year. We became best of friends and I decided to move my children and me 1500 miles away from home to live with him and his children. A few months in he was faced and still facing a custody battle with his Children ( he has physical custody) and now the mother wants them back, his second marriage was a train wreck and there are still issues there today he battles.. there has been so many events that has changed who he was in my eyes and our relationship. He would sleep most of the day, I tried to keep a clean home, help him on the ranch, anything that I could do for him I did it. I started seeing myself disrespected by him and his children, called horrible names if I was at all effected my his or his childrens behavior, bitch and c*NT his favorite, he would throw my clothes out of the house into the yard, told me to eat shit and dye several times and in front of his 14 year old son. Until the end did I snap, I found myself crying and begging him to talk to me to save me from what I was feeling , he ignored me, or bullied me into a corner or shoving his finger in my face with threats, my children and I went without power water and hardly any food for about 3 weeks before I left and jumped on a plane with my child and back home. My mother helped us. He would tell me we had no money, I had a job offer but was told my place was at the house taking care of our family. Which was fine with me if he had only been doing the same. It’s been almost 2 weeks gone and I still have contact with him but I know it would be a mistake to go back. He says he’s working on getting the house and money back in order but I still catch him in lies. And not only 24 hours being away i got a message from another women how he should get a restraining order on me and going off on me in his defense. Needless to say I took care of her right away. Told her if she was ok with her Children living like that she and her kids can clean out stuff out of his house. We left with just enough clothes to get us by on. And I dont know nor understand how I can miss someone like this.
Zari Ballard
July 2, 2017 at 4:12 pmHi Lee,
We can miss someone “like this” because we are caring, compassionate people who can’t wrap our head around the fact that anyone we love so much could really be this way. That’s all it is. I hope and pray you have not gone back. He will always do this to you. Get yourself together financially…get back on your feet so you can feel confident in your life and your future. Educate yourself and come to a place of acceptance. Read through my blog (over 85 articles in it) and others like it. If you can, book some talk time with me so we can strategize for your new life. It was NEVER you, sister, and you deserve to be happy.
Zari xo
Andrew Benjamin
July 6, 2017 at 6:46 am2018 NARCISSISM CONVENTION (NYC)
Would you consider attending and being a speaker at the 2018 Narcissism Convention I’m trying to organize?
Facebook Convention website: https://www.facebook.com/2018narcissismconvention/?ref=bookmarks
RED FLAG # 167e – THE 2018 NARCISSISTIC CONVENTION!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KD_afQYb9lI
Please contact me at odinson11203@yahoo.com with your email address and phone number.
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2017 at 3:30 pmSure sounds interesting Andrew…I will have to get in touch….
Zari Ballard
May 8, 2017 at 7:18 pmWow, Pamela! You go, girl!! I am so sorry about your son and, with the truth on your side, maybe there will be vindication. I would be insane about that, knowing my son had taken the fall for such a scumbag. But I have had enough friends who have done long prison time for various offenses and yes, there sure is a code! I hope and pray that this will turn around for you now that this horrendous man is out of your life. It sounds as if you are close to your children and this will get you through. I had to smirk when you said you had FIVE SONS WHO PAID HIM A WARNING. That ought to keep him at bay!
God Bless you, sister! I wish you nothing but the best…you have been through hell and back. There’s only one way to go and that’s UP:)
Zari xo
Kristine
April 27, 2017 at 6:21 pmHello. I loved this article. I am 3 months out after the second discard. I still to this day struggle with whether or not he was a narcissist. Even though, he is textbook covert narcissist. I follow HG Tudor, and every article I can relate to. I just can’t get over the fact that maybe he just didn’t love me and that’s why he didn’t make an effort to make this relationship work. If I could just get over that fact and that feeling, I really could move on. Is this normal? Do all targets feel this way!?
Zari Ballard
May 3, 2017 at 11:39 pmHi Kristine,
If every behavior matches, then you know exactly what he is. However, having said that, the label itself shouldn’t be what comforts you. What should comfort you is getting away no matter what he is. He treated you bad and no one deserves that. And yes, there are relationships that just don’t work out (even if we want them to). Sometimes one side falls out of love and that’s just life. The difference is in the BEHAVIORS and how people treat each other even through the break up. Even being just an asshole is unacceptable even though some day down the road it may be forgivable after time passes. With narcissists, there is no time down the road. They don’t care and never cared and it is so obvious when we know what we’re dealing with. What you are feeling is normal…run and don’t look back. YOU are NOT the problem:)
xo
Molly
April 20, 2017 at 12:55 pmHi it was nice to read your article it really helped.
I had been in a relationship with a man for 7 years I was only 15 and he was 21 when we first got together and I’m coming to terms with the fact he was a narcissist which I have only realised since leaving the relationship ( well discarded by him) I paid for us to go on holiday together and when we got back he said he had left me for someone else, a teacher at our daughters school!! During our whole relationship he did nothing but abuse me, he would put me down and blame me for all his problems, sometimes physically abusive and a complete an utter bully.
We have a 5 year old together and since the discard he has made things very difficult he is unreasonable with contact and demands to see his daughter when he choses and threatens me when I say no. He has left me with nothing he financially broken me as i paid for his drug debts left, right and centre. I have no home and I am in debt up to my eyeballs and he has moved in with this new women with a lovely house, good job and a car and he appears to be treating her very well, flaunting her in social media and telling our friends how happy she is making him. Apparently he has given up drugs and is finally able to work (which he couldn’t do for me or our daughter) I have had such a tough few weeks coming to terms with the discard, the new women and realising I spent so long with a cruel man who only used me and never loved me 🙁
Zari Ballard
May 3, 2017 at 11:17 pmHi Molly,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, girl. First of all, you were just 15 years old. 15!!! And NOW you are only 22. You are going to get over this, I promise. Take your daughter and move in with a friend if you haven’t already. Go back to work, go to your local DES office and get help from the state (food stamps, day care, health insurance, cash assistance, job services), and while your at DES getting all that stuff, you’ll have to give them his name so they can go after him for child support. He has no right to make demands on you for your daughter UNTIL HE STARTS PAYING FOR IT. Use all the help you can while you get back on your feet. get a student loan and go to school. Your life is JUST BEGINNING. Don’t waste another minute on his ass. Again, you will get over it and fast if you start now. He had no business messing around with a teenager to begin with but now that he’s done it, make him pay for it. Stop looking at social media and tell your friends you don’t want to hear anything that he has to say about ANYTHING anymore. The friends who don’t heed to this should get checked off your mental “friend” list. Its hard for me to be sympathetic about your sadness because of your age, sister. You have so much of your life ahead of you that most women do not. You have to get back to your life and take care of your daughter. Stand up for yourself and take charge of this situation. There are plenty of guys out there who are NOT assholes and you will run into them in due time.
The only way to get past this is to stay busy and you have got so much to do right now to get started. Don’t be SAD, be MAD. He’s not worth a single tear. Time to start over on your brand new life…xo
Rick
April 16, 2017 at 2:34 pmDear Zari,
I came across your article after reflecting on what happened to me about a year and a half ago.To this day, I wonder what it is I did wrong to deserve the illogical treatment that she gave me. Being discarded by her in such a strange way was mind boggling.
I met her on an online dating site called POF. Her profile appealed to me because she claimed to be a very conservative, religious 29-year-old woman who had never had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy. I am pretty sure I wen through the love bombing phase because she would give me all this flattery; it seemed to good to be true. She made me feel like I had met the one. But, she was also rushing things. I remember her introducing me to her parents on the second date. I did not pay much attention to it because I figured it was an innocent mistake on her part. Anyway, as I dated her over the following weeks, some of her actions did not seem to match up with her stated values (e.g. She was not all that conservative. She was also very selfish: she once asked me who I would take to the hospital first if my mom and her were to get sick at the same time). Furthermore, in those weeks that we were dating, she would treat me like a boyfriend in private but would introduce me as a friend to her friends and family. When I would ask her about this, she would tell me that she wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship but insisted on seeing me. She finally decided to make the relationship official when I gave her an ultimatum and told her I would not allow her to treat me like a friend with benefits. When she did make it official, I deleted my POF profile but never bothered to check if she had done so.
We were together for like a total of 4 or 5 months. I was not the perfect guy in terms of being there for her because I was working and finishing graduate school, but I would see her twice a week. This was not enough. She was very needy and demanding. On the day that she broke up with me in person, she refused to give me any reasons for the break up and blocked me on her facebook. I never heard from her again, and she gave me the silent treatment. After the break up, I went on the online dating site where he had first met because I was so heart broken. I saw her dating profile and eventually came to the realization that she had never deleted it? How do I know this? Her profile had the same profile description/about me essay, and her pictures were the same and arranged in the same order. After I sent her an e-mail confronting her about this, she smeared me on her facebook and made me look like I was crazy. We weren’t together that long, but the illusion she gave me and the way she discarded me later on certainly confused me to a level I had never experienced before.
To this day, I question if I am the jerk and if I hurt her in anyway. I have been reading on narcissism, and the phases that victims go through. Based on my research, I am positive she is a narcissist. It’s just really difficult to stomach because I my feelings and intentions with her were honest and good. I wanted her for the long-term. Anyway, I still have my days when I question what it is I did wrong. I guess I am still healing.
Zari Ballard
April 16, 2017 at 8:19 pmHi Rick,
Okay, so I hope you’ve figured out that POF is not a “dating” site where you will EVER meet a girl who’s never been kissed, right? In fact, I hope you know now that it would be the LAST dating site! LOL Look, online dating is filled to the brim with narcissists and sociopaths. In fact, I’m not sure how they even survived without this particular online vehicle or social media. You really can’t believe much of anything you read in someone’s profile…it’s scary. Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t normal, well-intentioned people online as well, it’s just that you’ve got to pick through 10 acres of weeds to find the blossoms on sites like POF and Tinder. Unfortunately, it also appears that there are just as many girl narcs taking advantage of the online medium as there are male ones. So, buyer beware.
You didn’t do anything wrong, Rick, so don’t waste your time worrying about that. To get over this as quickly as possible, you’ve got to stop looking at FB, delete all your mutual friends, block her back, and go to a different dating site. It’s the only way. With time it will pass and, as you know, you are far from alone. Be watchful and aware and just look for the signs. And never ever believe that a girl who actually states that she’s never been kissed in her online dating profile is telling you the truth! But I’m sure you’ve learned that…
Stay strong, brother!
Zari xo
Mel
April 14, 2017 at 10:25 amSince my ex ‘suddenly’ walked out on our farce of a marriage 5 years ago, I’m pretty sure he’s a true narc. All behaviours leading up to his departure indicate it. He left in early March and by April was hanging out with another woman I saw photos on his FB and discovered who she was, as she had similar ‘couple’ photos on her FB. He had a ‘couple’ photo as his profile, can you believe that? Only 6 weeks after he left. I was fuming and very hurt. By Christmas that year they went to see his family in his home country. He denied it to my face that she was with him. But I told him I saw them on FB. She met his mother and everything. I was STILL his legal wife, for crying out loud!
She had been in a 5 year relationship immediately before beginning to see my ex (possibly a narc too?) and was suggesting marriage to him, even though she knew about me (goodness knows what lies he told her about us). Anyway, there he is visiting her parents and carrying on like he didn’t have a life before then. Photos that everyone could see, including his family. He tried to explain himself to me. Lies, lies, lies. She wrote “I love you so, so much” on his FB page for his birthday. Oh, really? After only 6 weeks? “Love you too, babe” he replied. Before knowing her, he didn’t do FB and was a guy who didn’t like public demonstrations of affection (PDA). But he could do it for her, couldn’t he, especially as there are ‘friends’ watching That really hurt, and I resented him for it. I was still his legal wife but he behaved so meanly towards me.
Fast forward, and he moved in to the house she shares with her parents. Now he behaves like the great guy everyone thinks he is. He goes on holidays with her or the family, is friends with all of her friends, she helped him with work, earns more than he does, and he’s totally immersed himself into her world.
Five years later, it’s still going and I can’t see where it will end.
He caused a lot pain and I’m learning to forgive him – for myself, not for him. Yes, I see ‘happiness’ in their relationship but I care less and less now. The thing is he appears to be prospering all the way. Friends, travel, work, fun…you name it. I do know that all that he has now he didn’t acquire without help from this woman and her family.
Beware the charming man/woman.
Caro
March 30, 2017 at 7:49 pmI get the logic of all this, but then how the hell do narcissists (abusive manipulative serial cheaters who couldn’t stay loyal if their lives depended on it) stay married for years at a time? It boggles my mind.
Rick
May 3, 2017 at 8:08 pmI did learn a valuable lesson. What a weird experience. Thank you, Zari.