Mentally letting go of the narcissist is never going to happen as fast as we’d like unless we starting taking credit for recovery time served. If we did that…if we realized that there are phases to the suffering post-break-up with a narcissist and that, for the most part, we’ve moved through them successfully without even knowing it, we wouldn’t be so inclined to give up and go back from whence we came – to the very person that caused us the initial grief.
Simply put, to break our addiction to the narcissist, we have to understand what all the suffering really means. I’m going to try to explain it so that everyone can find a place of peace. Believe me, when you “get it”, you can rest assured that recovery is around the corner.
If we gave ourselves the suffering credit that we deserve…if we weren’t so willing to give in and give up… we’d eliminate – at that point – the compulsion to break no-contact because we would know that it wasn’t the narcissist we were even missing!
Okay, Zari, what the fuck are you talking about?
I’m saying that we become The Suffering. It’s part of the game that we play with the narcissist and we’re left with the residuals. Most of us don’t realize that, when the final break-up with a narcissist occurs, our sadness and grief is actually less about the loss of the relationship than it is about the fact that we’ve become the suffering that was associated with it.
If you think about it, we spend far more time with The Suffering than we ever do with the narcissist himself/herself…so it’s natural to become attached to it. The sadness becomes a familiar connection…it keeps us in the loop all by itself. This is why the narcissist likes to keep us anxious and off-balance. His theory is that as long as we’re suffering, he can feel fairly confident that we’ll always be in the queue. For the most part, his theory is right but we have the power to change that by, say, believing in a “theory” like mine – that we can get past the suffering and out of the fucking queue much quicker if we first realize that it’s not all about him. We just think that it is.
It’s been weeks…months! I don’t even want the motherfucker back. So why am I so unhappy? All I want to do is cry. What the hell is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you but there are two phases of suffering. Listen carefully. Time and time again, in consultations, I hear this: Why am I still so sad? I don’t even want him back! What’s wrong with me? The person I’m speaking with is usually beside themselves with self-doubt. I explain that this particular form of cognitive dissonance is a good thing and that it’s different from the cognitive dissonance that makes us doubt the narcissist is even a narcissist. When you’ve reached the point of feeling nuts over the fact that you still feel sad, the worst of the suffering is actually over. You’ve passed through the first phase. In other words, you are no longer in denial!
It’s during that first phase that people will ask me “Are you sure he’s/she’s a narcissist? Are you sure?” (to which I typically respond, “The fact that you’re calling me tells me you already know the answer to that.”) Still, they may struggle or choose not to believe me. Two phone calls later, when I hear “He’s a narcissist. I don’t even like him! Why am I’m still crazy sad?”, I know that they’ve moved on to phase two and are now attached only to the sadness itself and while this attachment is actually more bittersweet than being attached to the narcissist, it’s far easier to let go of!
The problem is that the second phase of suffering is where it becomes dangerous because if we don’t understand it, we can easily give in to the depression and go back. This is why, if right now you are feeling the compulsion to make contact even though you’ve accepted the reality, it is imperative that you pay attention to what I’m trying to say. Listen up – you’re NOT crazy!
The feeling of having to let go – to be free of the madness – is often difficult to appreciate. I didn’t get it either at first. When my ex finally walked out (after 13-years), never to return, I couldn’t even cry – I knew it had to end. Yet three months later, I still felt crazy with undeniable grief. It took me awhile to understand that my attachment to the narc was long over. It was my attachment to the suffering itself that I had to get over…my addiction to the very drama that I hated…and THAT I could handle!
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At first we miss the delusions because although the madness wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t dull either. Being caught up in all that drama and chaos sure kept us occupied and on the edge of our seats. When all the narcissistic noise subsides, the silence is so deafening that we don’t even realize that we are coming back to SANITY. And believe it or not, Zen Therapy and Buddhist Philosophy will tell you that after madness, the first phase of SANITY may not infrequently be a form of depression. I swear to you, this is the way it works! Look it up! You don’t need professional therapy, you just to move through it. THIS TOO SHALL PASS – AND QUICKLY!
I’m done with the N and now I’m just stuck on the sadness. Everyone is sick of it and so am I. How do I get through the final phase?
By realizing this: our suffering changes nothing. When we’re with the narcissist, we suffer because we think it’s going to change something – either with the narc or the relationship – but it never does. For instance, when my ex would disappear or go silent I would suffer like no tomorrow, day after day, until he returned. I just couldn’t help it. The silent treatment was his favorite “punishment”. Then one day, I switched it up, deciding to have a ball while he was gone, and what do ya know? He still returned. Suffering or not, the result was the same. Pretty soon, I was counting down the days until my next “vacation”.
The same way that you were able to move past phase one of suffering (missing the narcissist) without even knowing it – by accepting the truth – is how we get through phase two. Understand in your heart that our suffering changes not a fucking thing. It doesn’t change the world, our world, the narcissist’s world, the past, the future…not a thing. We can curl up in the fetal position, lose ten pounds, and even feel suicidal and the universe and everything in it just keeps moving. As I said, in many ways, the final phase – the final “let go” before mental freedom – is often that bittersweet sadness that makes our heart shatter…like the ending to a really sad movie. But the truth is that the movie is OVER and it’s time to exit the cinema.
When you get to the point that you still feel sad even though you KNOW you don’t miss the N, believe me, it’s done. Hold all that useless suffering – the suffering that changes not a thing – in the palm of your hand and blow it the biggest good-by kiss ever.
Think about it…if we can come to realize and accept that all the love in our hearts can’t convince a narcissist to care about right from wrong, then we can certainly realize that our suffering changes nothing and choose to be happy.
Lorie
May 31, 2016 at 8:41 amThanks Zari for another well written article just when I needed it most. I read your material often in the “shadows” as you say. I am in 31 days no contact with 1 minor slip up of a text. Where I stated ” I was on the phone when you asked your Ex to come over, your garage was open, and you loved her all from your own mouth”. The Ex had 3way’d me on the phone to hear it. I had to make sure that he knew it although I already know he knew. This is 3 yrs after the initial finding out of the other relationships behind my back and 10 yrs in. Those times I always went back and my downfall was trying to explain why I was upset and why you don’t do things like that when you tell me you love me at the same time etc etc. That of course starting the spinning of it coming back on me in some way. Trying to make him understand was always my downfall. BUT NO MORE. If he cannot understand then ask someone else. The hovering is there… How I am now ridiculous that I won’t talk to him… It really kinda cracks me up.. When I think that I am the ridiculous one. I have knew insight thanks to you but this statement really hit home today. “Think about it…if we can come to realize and accept that all the love in our hearts can’t convince a Narcisist to care about right from wrong, We can certainly realize that suffering changes nothing.”
MC
May 31, 2016 at 5:51 amHi Same Boat and Jana,
Thank you for posting, Your stories give me confidence to keep to NC. Same Boat how you resisted his mother calling you with a sob story do not know. That would have been a test I would have failed I am afraid. Loved the N’s mom. Knowing there are so many of us going through this helps me so much. Breaks the isolation. Thank you!
Elena
May 30, 2016 at 7:18 pmWow, Wow, WOW!. I had to read this twice. I don’t know how you always nail this. I thought I was a pretty articulate chick–but this narcissism thing is the hardest thing to put into words. Yes, our suffering changes not a damn thing! They are masters of lies and lip service–all the while able to compartmentalize us into one neat file in their demented, warped brains. Well, out of all the blogs out there, this one has helped me the most to stay on track AND, I have two neighbors reading this as well. One started with your article “Has Anyone Seen My Closure, Part I” and it’s been going on from there. God knows, when a Narc is your neighbor it’s torture and she’s been hanging on every word of this blog. Thank you again, Zari–these articles have both powerful common sense and healing in them.
Zari Ballard
June 4, 2016 at 12:45 amHi Elena,
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for reading here. Recovery is a team effort…there’s no other way:)
Stay Strong,
Zari xo
Tass
May 30, 2016 at 6:59 pmHi Zari, its 3 months now since I started my second attempt of NC the last one lasted only 4 months before I gave in and made contact , and I have noticed that even the last time around the 3 month period there were moments where I would want to contact him but this time round the urges are there but not that strong at all as soon as i say to myself ” lets see what he says if i say hi” i quickly give myself a talking to and a mental slap in the face remind myself what he is and how i have managed this time round to get through the hours, days weeks and now months much with ease. i haven’t seen him for over a year now I don’t miss him I sometimes miss the person he pretended to be but i soon push through that too and see that my life now is calmer and happier. Whether he wants me to break and contact him or he contacts me i couldn’t care less, the unknown calls have stopped for now but i don’t lose sleep over them i have forgiven myself and i know that going to an energy healer is all cooky she picked up on his black energy and removed the negative energy around me because of him and also some friends who were toxic for my spiritual, mental growth i now don’t associate with these people who used me for their own gain.
Your article made a lot of sense and its so true about the sadness and it does get easy and as soon as the light bulb went on the road ahead became bright.
Jana
May 30, 2016 at 2:01 pmA friend of mine found my narc on a dating site one day after an awesome day together. I confront him about it and he tells me to “shut the f*ck up, it’s always f*cking drama with you.. F*ck off.”
He then proceeds to block me on Facebook and my number as well (his preferred punishment of choice) It’s been over a week now.. He’s still on the dating site and I don’t think I could feel any lower. He has no remorse whatsoever!
And yet I still question if he really is a full blown narc. How crazy is that?! Talk about cognitive dissonance.
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2016 at 8:38 pmHi Jana,
You need to read my book When Love Is a Lie because my narc was the exact same way. We could have the best day and then WHAM! If you really want to talk about it, call me. No remorse, dating sites, not giving a fuck…this is what they do. It’s all about what they can get away with and they will do it until the end of time. At this point, what difference does it even make IF he’s a narc or not or almost a narc or 58% a narc? Look what he’s done! Full blown or not, he’s got to go!
Zari:)
Same Boat
May 30, 2016 at 8:53 pmA similar thing happened to me Jana… When I confronted him he denied it until I showed him a photo I had taken of him from the web site .. Caught red handed but still found a way to twist it back on me: “you are soooo untrusting! You must have been cheated on a lot” and even “did you have a problem childhood?” He kept saying the dating site was done as a joke . How fucking stupid is that?? That was the night I left for good and have not seen him since. It’s time for you to let go also and trust me when I say this: you will feel good (even great) soon enough when you realize the problem was never you in the first place . Good luck and I advise you call Zari, talking to someone who really understands what you are going through is crucial .. !!
Let GO Let GOD
May 31, 2016 at 4:21 pmI cannot even believe how true this is. I don’t want him back. He grosses me out at this point, and I have zero trust for him, and whenever I see him again after not speaking, I can always see he has not done anything — meanwhile I am hustling, working, doing me, and also SUFFERING, and he is just exactly the same. Everything I imagine is always in my own head — picturing him becoming something amazing. I was speaking with Zari about Stage 2 and whattya know ex-narc shows up — he was looking for me! Right when I was releasing him almost 100%, there he is right in front of me.
I engaged and I wish I hadn’t — followed up with some texts and even saw him – but again – me making the effort not him– I am powerless over it right now again, but there is no turning back – I have come too far to get back in the swamp with him. I guess I feel weird and gross about myself that I accepted so little — I deserve so much more – I can’t believe I allowed all that and even though he was looking (hoovering) me, he still could not say sorry or talk like a decent mature person, and then I had to pull things out of him which was work for me and not even genuine from him. I blocked him again.
I know he will be by because we ended it kinda neutral, but I seriously don’y care if I never see him again — just sucks he lives and works VERY close to me.
It’s just the chaos and drama that we are still addicted to in Stage 2. I feel like an idiot for engaging even a little, but I guess progress not perfection.
Zari Ballard
June 3, 2016 at 5:30 amHi Let GO Let GOD,
That was such a crazy thing…there we were talking about the whole thing and all of a sudden you say, “Zari, he is walking right towards me down the alley. OMG” YIKES! Too crazy but unfortunately not a surprise. I think you handled it well, girl. We laughed that it was like some soap opera scene and I DO say try to observe it as if it’s happening to someone else. Like you’re watching a movie and IT’S ALMOST TO THE CREDITS! INDIFFERENCE and DETACHMENT is so important. Don’t let him get a chance to do another discard just because he CAN.
I’m here if you need me…
Zarixo
Caro
May 31, 2016 at 7:07 amJust so you know, you can block someone on Facebook even when they’re already blocked you. Do it now so you’re not available whenever this asshole decides to come back and grace you with his presence.
Same Boat
May 30, 2016 at 9:52 amWow, this article explains it all so well. It’s been 6 months since I walked out on my N. Yes, I walked out. Learning about N’s from Zari is how I was able to do it. That fateful night, he glared at me with a look of shock and dialated pupils and threatened “don’t you dare leave!” I calmly said “really? or what!?” I put on my boots, told him ‘good luck’ looked him in the eye and said “good bye”. At first I felt liberated and strong! But that’s not where the story ends. I went through a tremendous roller coaster ride of sadness and feeling of loss. He continued to message me and at one point I caved and said we could ‘remain friends’. But after a bit more studying I realized that would be a very bad idea. Two months after I left he love bombed me for days. Torn between feelings of ‘regret and loss’ I set up a phone conference with Zari at which time she gave me the courage to block him. It was extremely hard at first and for months I would still ‘jump’ every time I heard the ‘ding’ of messenger on my phone. I knew it wasn’t him, but I jumped nonetheless. I no longer use the notification setting. Anyway, yes, I suffered. And yes, I still do at times, but far more rarely. Still it didn’t end there. His Mom (who supposedly loves me) calls me at work to tell me about how much her son misses me. How much he cares but didn’t realize it. How he’s lost weight, got a new job, and just wants a chance to ‘talk’ to me! To show how he really feels! I’ve repeatedly told her “look, it didn’t work out and though I’m glad he’s well, there is nothing to talk about and I have moved on”. Still he called me on my home phone (first time in 6 months) and it jarred me but I did not answer. It’s been a month since then. Lately I’ve had dreams in which I bump into him at various places. The dreams I used to have were extremely dramatic, heart wrenching, etc. These dreams have been more pleasant and in a weird way, because they are so pleasant, it’s making me kind of, sort of, miss him again. UGH! But I am far enough ‘cured’ to know the reality and no such dream will make me do something stupid. Funny thing is, it seems each time I have a thought; “it would be kind of nice to see him”…. I get an email from this web site and it knocks some sense back into me. Yup, there’s much less drama in my life these days and far more peace. Sometimes I feel the need to ‘shake it up’ a bit, but I can do that in many other ways; like go on a REAL roller coaster for instance! 😉 Six Flags here I come! 🙂 XO
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2016 at 11:09 amHi Same Boat!!!
I’ve thought of you, girl:) So glad that you’re alive and kicking and that my words still find their way to your doorstep. Shaking it up sounds like an awesome way to celebrate the separation and riding a REAL roller coaster would be the way to do it! I’m glad you’re here and I love the check-in!
Stay strong, sister!
Zari xo
LET go LET God
June 8, 2016 at 6:45 pmThis is great Zari – thank you.
Also – in a way different head space now then when I wrote that.
I am getting very detached. It’s incredible.
Dannielle Vasquez
June 11, 2016 at 5:55 amThank you for sharing..so inspirational for me! To find people who actually understand what Ive been through and where Im trying to get to, is amazing.
Zari Ballard
June 12, 2016 at 4:50 pmThanks Dannielle…xo
MC
May 30, 2016 at 6:02 amThis was an amazing gift this post. “Our suffering changes nothing”. On top of being a victim of the N, I made myself a martyr. Somehow I thought that was a holy path, proving my goodness inf the face of the evil of the N. I truly feel a little more free today from reading this. Not to spend my time wondering, remembering, conjecturing when the next Hoover might happen..I am ready to ‘exit the cinema’. The movie is over! Just reread “When Love Is A LIe”. The more often I read it the more this all sinks in. I am finally feeling motivated not to waste another minute carrying a torch for someone who does not care about me at all except to deceive and use me. Thank you so much Zari! Our phone consults are a lifesaver.
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2016 at 11:18 amHi MC!!!
Thank you as always for the kind words and the confirmation that my mission is working. My job is really all about coordinating the journey…the truth is that you all know the path to walk and what to do. I’m just a guide for the interim!
I love your email mentioning the grandmothers. It was very sweet and put a visual in my head. My thought is that they’ve been guiding you all along, MC. They probably never even knew what they were dealing with…they just did what they had to do. Keep them in your mind’s eye and know that they’ll be working behind the scenes. Me? I’m on the stage itself right along with you.
I’ll set up another time for us to chat and send it to you. I enjoy our conversations just as much as you do. Don’t forget, this recovery-thingy is nothing if not a team effort, girlfriend!!!!
Zari xoxoxo
LET go LET God
June 6, 2016 at 3:30 pmZari – Please reassure me nothing changes on their end! I hate that what he is doing is still in my mind – like who is his new supply — I mean it’s an hour by hour thing and I know I just need time, and I actually hate him but I am left with this residue from when he made his Curtain Call last week. I have not ‘dialed pain’ by looking on Instagram or anything like and I am trying to remember that he is a teenager really – worse – and when I went to his place this last time he had food, pot, and shit all over the place! Please I am a 40 year woman with world experience and a life — how did I let this kid get so into my head and heart and allow him to bamboozle me??
I guess I also don’t feel totally satisfied in my life now and that is why I want to blame on him – but I wasted a year and 6 months!!!!!!!
I am sickened by it all on some days.
Zari Ballard
June 8, 2016 at 4:51 pmHey girl,
Look, I have yet to ever see them change or know of them changing or experience them changing. No one else has ever shared that type of change with me. If someone was to change, then I’d have to conclude they were never a narc to begin with. But here’s the deal: what would this kid have to do to change that even be meaningful? He’s not motivated to get a better job. He’s talented but does nothing with it. He lives socially on Instagram….guys just don’t give that up…not with 400 friends anyway! He’s either blowing hot or cold…doesn’t seem to be an in-between. There’s no substance to this relationship at all. When he’s too needy, it’s annoying (I’m was the same way). When he’s not, it feels like rejection. Is this the love of your life? No way. Who has time to see what happens next? There’s just too much work. He’s a game player and it’s wrong. The whole curtain call incident was bullshit. Here he is crying at your door, sending pathetic texts saying he’d been thinking about how wrong he was the whole time he was gone…and then he disappeared again! He was hoping – he took a chance as they all do – that you’d ask no questions and demand no apologies. This is why he picked his birthday to do it. It didn’t work out and wow…he really went the extra mile!!! Narcissists are NOT motivated to take extra steps and this encounter was a textbook example.
Could you just hurry up and become a movie star!!! Speed it up a little!!! LOL
Much Love.Zari xoxo