Whether it’s during a break-up or a silent treatment (a break-up in disguise), we always want to know what the narcissist is feeling? Does he miss me? Does he think about me? Does he know he made a mistake? Will he ever know that he made a mistake? We obsess about the question of how he (or she, of course) feels as if it would make a difference in the outcome…as if him knowing he made a mistake would offset all those times that he hurt us and we’d live happily ever after OR we’d feel vindicated and be able to move on. So, what is the answer? The answer is that a narcissist doesn’t really feel anything and that this alone must be enough to satisfy our curiosity. It has to help us “get” what this is all about. The truth is that if he missed you in the way that you missed him, he wouldn’t be gone.
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Look, one of things about narcissism is that every behavior connects seamlessly to the next. When we truly grasp this fact, the answers to our nagging questions fall into place. It’s a game of Connect-the-Dots narcissist-style. The fact that a narcissist doesn’t “miss” us like a normal person would miss someone they split up with is because he doesn’t miss anybody. The reason that he doesn’t miss anybody is because he sees every single person in his life on the same emotional level. The reason that he sees everyone on the same emotional level (meaning he doesn’t care about you anymore than he cares about her) is because his life is completely compartmentalized. The fact that he compartmentalizes everything is the reason that he’s so good at being a narcissist! What the narcissist says and what the narcissist does are two different things. Actions speak louder than words and don’t ever forget that.
No one wants to believe that the person that they’ve spent a good amount of time with doesn’t miss them when they’re apart. Even in the most dysfunctional of “normal” relationships, there is always a time after a break-up where both sides – no matter who was at fault – have to adjust. Narcissist, however, don’t need to adjust because they’ve been adjusted all along! How can he miss you when he never really considered himself a “boyfriend” or you his “girlfriend” to begin with? We agonize over this as if it’s the worst thing in the world when it’s just a simple fact. This is what I’m talking about when I say our suffering changes nothing because nothing changes for the narcissist. Most of us suffer greatly during every silence, disappearance, or final discard – a discard, I might add, which (intentionally) never seems to be final. And while we suffer, wondering how he’s feeling and what he’s doing, life for the narcissist just continues along. It’s just another day!
It took me many, many years to wrap my head around the fact that during all those silent treatments, while I hid under the covers like a scared mouse, my ex just went about his day. I simply didn’t want to believe that! But over time, it was the only thing that could possibly explain how he could just stroll back in days, weeks, and sometimes months later saying, “Hey babe, how are you? I don’t even remember why we broke up but I’m back now!” I mean, how do you respond to that? It’s not like I didn’t try to set him straight on what happened – I did. But for that, I’d get the typical narcissistic stare and maybe a shrug. And so I let it go and time dragged on. Every minute that we ruminate on how the narcissist feels about anything is yet another minute that we’re stuck in the cycle.
How the narcissist feels when we’re gone is the top question I’m asked during consultations and, although no one likes my answer, I eventually get them to change their perspective. It’s all about breaking the confusion of cognitive dissonance. I explain how I turned the final break-up around in my own mind by accepting that my ex didn’t care and seeing that as a good thing. The fact is that I’d much rather think that my ex wasn’t capable of loving or missing me to begin with and that’s how he was able to do what he did rather than think that he did love and miss me as much as I loved and missed him and yet he did all that anyway. Do you understand this? Coming to accept this eliminated the rumination of “How could he do this?”, “Why doesn’t he love me?”, “How? Why? What?”.
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To get over the narcissist and move on with our lives, we absolutely have to change our perspective and I am adamant about this when I counsel people. It’s really as simple as this: If you and I were looking at the same picture and the way that you see it makes your heart break over and over and the way that I see it puts me at a place of peace, wouldn’t you want to see it my way? Wouldn’t you want me to explain to you why it is that I see it that way so you can get to that same peaceful place? Granted, my explanation had better be good and this is why I try to explain it logically. You can get to a place of peace with this, my friends. Connect the dots and watch the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Once this process begins, recovery isn’t far behind.
I promise you:)
Roli
September 28, 2016 at 2:56 pmHi Zari
Thank you for your great work and sharing with the world the hell you endured. I use to walk around like a basket case over my ex-husband, a true text book narcissist. Not only is he very good looking, he is also an attorney, European, successful and dynamic. What many wmen would think is the catch of the day but he wasn’t. He met me 16 years ago. I was 37 and he, 52. He wrangled me away from my boyfriend back then with promises of a great life. He surprised me Christmas of that same year with a huge engagement ring. We married and life was good until his mask started slipping. The love bombing turned into D&D. Although he went ahead with a future with me, it turned out to be hell. He once pushed me into a wall when I was pregnant with his baby. I lost that pregnancy two weeks later. Another time I had to call the police when he tried to choke me after an arguement. He was arrested and never let ME forget that HE did nothing wrong and I filed a false complaint according to him. He seems to conveniently forget about grabbing me by the throat and pressing down on it. He lies and TRULY believes it. He absolutely believes his lies. After many years of taking his shit and trying to make anything better HE DIVORCED ME and wanted to still stay together. I did stay with him and I don’t know why. But the straw broke the camels back and after an incident a couple of months ago I left. I moved out of state. As I subsequently learned, his smear campaigns have gotten so bad that he and his family have labeled me with several mental illnesses. Because I showed emotion. ( I’ve cried at his abuse.) He is absolutely obsessed with making me look like a vicious mental case and he the victim who’s been abused and battered. His old, nasty brother, who’s a narc himself, counseled my ex narc to see a therapist for his abuse at the hands of me!!!!! So it’s like being abused 10 times worse when you read something your not supposed to see, saying your a horrible monster who has made this person suffer. I Know you say Zari not retaliate and I won’t. I guess I just want to vent to the community. HE keeps coming back. Afterall all of this BS it is him that is keeping this going and I am wondering why. Do these narcs feels some sort of attachment? Why doesn’t he just move on if I’m making him miserable that he keeps reaching out to anyone that will listen with all this BS about me. Your advice is very much appreciated and needed.
Zari Ballard
September 30, 2016 at 10:38 pmDear Roli,
What a horrendous story but the good news is that YOU MOVED OUT OF STATE. Wow! That’s amazing. After everything you went through, I can’t even imagine what the straw was that finally broke the camel! But you did which shows how strong you really are!
There’s no use in retaliating. There’s no use in trying to defend yourself even against the claims of him or his family. All it does is give them more fuel for their fire. Without you feeding into the smearing, it will all slowly die out…it has to because it will have no where else to go. What I don’t understand is why you are even keeping up with anything that is happening over there. You should not EVEN be speaking with him or to anyone that has anything to do with him. You moved out of state and there was a reason for that. There isn’t a single reason why you should care what he is saying to anyone over there. Let him talk all he wants. Let his family talk all he wants. You obviously know that he is not someone you can ever go back to. He tried to kill you. He caused you to lose a baby. He is dangerous and nasty and he needs to be in jail but we all know that will never happen. I’m sure he is far too clever for that.
His “attachment” is nefarious and you know this. The only reason he is “coming back” is because YOU LEFT and he is going to punish you for that until the end of time if you allow it. You say you were divorced and if this is true then you don’t have a single reason to talk to him ever again. If you must, get a restraining order to keep him from harassing you. Change your phone number. Vanish off the face of the earth relevant to him. You did the best thing possible by moving away to another state and you have to know and believe that.
Stop worrying about what he is saying and doing. Who cares!! If you cut off the communication with him and with anyone associated with him you won’t have to hear anything any more. In this case, what you don’t know really won’t hurt you!! You have the power here, not him. He is continuing to manipulate you but the truth is that YOU WON. He’s smearing you because HE LOST and he hates that!! Do not speak with him anymore. Begin your new life free of this nightmare. Life is too short and there is no time to waste, sister.
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Shoshannah
September 13, 2016 at 3:46 pmHi Zari! I’ve been leaving some replies over the past months here… and then I stopped – just because I was better with moving on. It’s been 16 months since the break-up and I am doing fine. Yeah – to all the survivors – it’s possible! Time is a great healer. I’ve been f*cking crawling, unable to breath – for months. It took a lot of serious effort, but I am where I am now – FREE. He’s hoovering again now. I’ve been dealing with indirect hoovers for the first 6 months after the break up. Then he stopped. And a few weeks ago he re-started. I won’t say that it didn’t affect me at all (hence, I am here again), but it’s nothing to compare… He doesn’t have a chance in luring me back in. I am simply not attracted to him anymore. Seeing those creeps for what they are helps. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks again. Websites like this one, your books saved my life! Cheers!
Mary
August 11, 2016 at 3:40 amI met him on a website. I later left the web site as it was to time consuming. He and I continued talking buy email and phone. Almost four years later after several times of on and off communication… I learned he was lieing about not being involved with anyone. I offered to fly to see him, he always had reasons why not. He broke up with the person, or as he said she treated him badly. He was asking to come to see me when things blew up for me. I received pictures of her with him sent to my phone, seems she asked him who I was seeing my name on his phone. The picture said a thousand words. Destroyed me. He made it seem like they were casually dating… not so. I let out close to four years of hurt.. he used me, lied, sucked up all the attention affection and time when ever he needed or wanted. I was grateful for crumbs of attention from him. He has a sad story line, four broken marriages, four kids, he sees only one. There is no communication with the others. He paid no child support. I am depressed, I bought this about by confronting him with the picture, He lied, they were in a relationship for over a year or more and I lost it exploding with anger and tears in voice texts…. humiliated. Now I spend each day wondering what to do, struggling for strength. I was so attracted to him. He knew what to say ..He knew me so long.
Every day I think about him, what to do …
Mary
August 11, 2016 at 4:15 amWhen he had no work, needed money or other problems, he was his nicest… He moved a lot, four times in four years. Gave up a apartment four months ago at the time he broke up with who he was seeing, she ended it. The time between he and I flew. I now reconcile four years gone, I never paid attention to time… I wonder what he will do.
Maxie
July 25, 2016 at 9:24 amHi Zari—This is a great subject and one that we all ponder after the carpet has been pulled from under our feet. Probably one of the most difficult things to digest is the reality that you were no different than anyone else in your Narc’s warped world. And, the fact that Narcissists don’t have to make the adjustment that we do is so very true. As you said, “they’ve been adjusting all along”—this is so very true as each day is simply another lie! This allows them to seamlessly move from one target to the next. I remember her saying (on several occasions), “what, do you think I am a “who’s the next in line kind of girl?”. Little did I know at the time that she was inadvertently confessing her Modus Operandi!
After a year and a half of not hearing from this turd, and life being very peaceful—she has reared her ugly head by contacting a bandmate about two months ago and making him promise that he would not tell me (of course she knew he would). She wanted to return one of my prized acoustic guitars I gave her. When we split up I made it clear that I had no interest in getting it back and to donate to her favorite charity, or give it away….or whatever. She arranged to drop off the guitar at his place of business, but never showed up—par for the course.
Take care and thank you,
Aloha, Maxie
Zari Ballard
July 28, 2016 at 3:23 pmHi Maxie,
Yup, the “guitar return” is an absolute hoover, my friend. These turds never change and they never prove me wrong. Watch out…where there’s one hoover, there will definitely be more. Yikes!
Zari xo
Maxie
September 22, 2016 at 6:22 pmHi Zari—Thank you for the response and yes I suppose where there’s one hoover another one is probably not far behind. These scum bags are very crafty and after years of practice, it’s no wonder how seamlessly they can slither their way back into your life. It’s also interesting how things seem to tie together. For example, my ex-turd is a banker for a major banking institution that is currently under the microscope for a scandal involving questionable sales tactics. I remember her constantly bugging me to open up accounts that I really didn’t need to help her meet her quota. Now it all makes sense. After all, what can you expect from a Narc banker?
Thanks again and rock on sister,
Maxie
Enough is Enough!!!!
July 23, 2016 at 1:03 pmMy ex narc would blame me for everything! He blamed his first ex wife for everything. He pathologically lied and cheated constantly! He is in soooooo much trouble with civil & legal matters (of course it’s all his “clients’ faults.”) Not 1 oz of accountability! If he didn’t get his way, he would ignore, act like I didn’t exist in his planet of evil. I use the word evil because there is no other word for it. He could look someone straight in the eye claim to be “seeing their soul,” no he was seeing how he could destroy their soul. He took out equity loans without anyone knowing, managed to foreclose a property or two from overspending, screwed over countless business partners, blamed everything on the economy. Amazing how his ex wife told and warned me to STAY AWAY from him that he was nothing but bad news and my ego didn’t listen, boy o boy did I ever learn a huge lesson. His latest and greatest now is seeing how many marriages he can bust up. It gives him a sense of power going after married people and playing screw around. He also gets his jollies off duping loan officers…flat out knowing he will never make payments. Why some of these banks ever give him loans is beyond me? Enough got to be enough with him!!!! Always chaos, distrust, arguing, name calling, blame shifting, gas lighting, he loved to move stuff on purpose or hide bills, and make everyone around him as nuts as him. He didn’t have a pot to pee in sideways and he would act like he was Mr. Big Wig with his name everywhere. What a joke! Enough is enough with narcissists, glad I’m done and out of his path of destruction.
Mellisa
June 27, 2016 at 1:07 pmI think sometimes I over think things. For Narcs it’s simple no supply = no value = no missing us. He’s not worth energy it takes to think about him. I will just focus on what you said and being present. When I feel angry, I pray for Justice knowing karma will eventually find him. He can run, but he can’t keep karma away forever.
Zari Ballard
June 28, 2016 at 4:55 pmHi Mellisa,
We DO overthink things. My ex (narc) once said to me “You make me way more complicated than I am. I’m just a simple man” and he was right. I talk about this in my books…simplified evil. I’ve concluded that it’s not as if they sit down and figure out all these awful things to do to us…it only APPEARS that way. The truth is actually worse than that. All those bad behaviors come naturally. It’s just what they do. It’s who they are.
Zari:)
Kat
June 22, 2016 at 6:24 amHi Zari,
I was with my narc for 16 years. He dumped me one day when I stood up to him about something important, but I had to live through years of repeated discards and devaluations. He was the same to my children.
He never had time for us when he was here and was so very cruel, but after he left, true. To get heroes of the children just fit the money and won’t leave me alone. I gave had to block him. He ignores the agreement made at court to not come on my road.
I am trying to overcome PTSD and I am getting better. I can’t believe a men Ho could say such beautiful things could really mean to destroy me- but this was and is his aim. It’s hard being a target. But I know he is like this with anyone he comes into contact with: they are just a means to an end. To be utilised.
Thank you for your clear and strong way of writing. It does strengthen me to read it X