Narcissist Abuse Recovery: Anybody Seen My Closure? (Part I)

Well, Im a 44 year old man, just got over a year long relationship with a really damaged woman. Lots of family, sexual and drug trauma. For a year I thought she was sincere. I fell for every game and became a victim. She said I was the abuser, only because I became one after all the games she would play with me. I was acting in self defense. Telling her to be accountable, have integrity, be trustworthy but all her actions spoke louder than her words. I saw the flags flying early and being co-dep I keep looking past the issues. All the complaining, the you dont love my 16yr old son (pain in the ass) you are never nice to us….so I became on of them. Its sucks because I eventually starting going to therapy and then she cheated on me three time. Went into her womens liberation and free will, I can be a slut and you can’t shame me shit. All the while its excuse after excuse. DO this and do that for me and my son. Never giving anything back but BS. I was never good enough. Well now I see she is also bi-polar (poor thing) and has a few other traits but keeps telling me see love d me and if I was nicer to her son it would be all ok. I actually believed it. So after realizing she is BP, has sex issues, social anxiety, excuses for everything I am on the road to getting out of her life. Its been so painful for me. As a man with good qualities, means well and would bend and compromise if I was in the wrong. Yet she continued to make me feel like I was the problem. She is a flirt (yet says is normal) I told her flirting is because she is insecure and when you love someone you dont flirt. If your partner has a problem with it you stop. Instead its my problem and I’m jealous…and can’t trust her. Ahh duh. Im finally seeing the patterns and running for the hills. To boot she is a therapist herself and it makes it all so real and humiliating. You would think she would see she is BP and N and get some help at the Hospital she works at. So I know I am rambling, but I want to ask some of the women here what they think? Im really struggling with all this. Its really fucked me up good and I need to get away so I can feel better. I do miss the Ex but know its never going to work. She even tried the lets be friend thing and I know its only to keep me around because she knows I am good source for her. I really fell for her but now I know it was a mistake….help someone get me out of here.

It took me almost 6 years to dump my Narc, but better late than never. I cannot tell you how much all of your articles have helped me, and ESPECIALLY this one. I could go on and on about all the stupid shit he’s pulled over all these years, but it’s nothing new. The urge to see him burn is pretty strong, even though I will probably never see it. I do believe in karma, though, and at some point he will be hit by a reallllllly bad boomerang. Would love to be there when it decks him, but on the other hand, why the f**k would I want to even be in the same zip code with such a pathetic asshole. ☺

For me closure was about confronting him with all my secret evidences of his lies, then declaring assertively “that really hurt, why did you do that?”. Similar to Desmond Tutu’s truth commissions after apartheid abuse in South Africa. I was expecting some kind of explanation and apology? That would have been closure, we could depart as friends and have nice family dinners with our children every now and then. So I convinced him to go through a period of therapy first, hoping that would “fix” him so he could handle the truth commission situation, and we could avoid drama and circular discussions.
So, I finally did it, few days ago, I confronted him: Ulf, you used me as rubber doll to test whether you could enhance your sexual wings using blue pills, in order to take the step and go to bed with your staff member whom you were flirting with. You could have just broken up with me first, then gone over to her, and simply ask her whether she would like to test blue pills with you. You left me, then came back and hoovered me, but all the time you were in a relationship with her. And you denied it blatantly every time I asked you about that situation. So what do you have to say? And the reaction was … you got it! More intense narcissistic behavior. Diffuse denial or sudden amnesia, “I don’t remember whether I slept with her after I returned home (hoovering). I really don’t remember … ”. After this he moved out because he feels bad after our conversations, and now applies silent treatment.
So no, that closure hasn’t given me any closure … But at least I tried …

ive been hoovered 3 times by my ex.
1st discard by telephone after a 2 month silence.
New girlfriend + some friendly texts whilst he was with her.
2nd declared great love told me of childhood abuses etc.
2nd discard, pure abuse.
I’m vulnerable, no apology arrived but some. “I miss u” “I’m sad” “xxx” type texts.
I was hoovered for the final time.
It got seriously bad very very rapidly. He was raging the final time to the point where I was sick, in shock & very frightened.
Not a word from him, new lady for him one month later. They’ve been an item for 9 months.
Hoovering 4 has begun on me, I’m not responding as he would really like. Just simple polite responses. Luckily he gave me the 9 months to recover myself & rebuild my life. My self esteem was so low and I’d lost the habit of visiting my friends.
I feel sad for the latest victim, she has 2 very young children who will be affected by the discard.
N’s really don’t love, they are so dishonest but they do say odd little remarks which offer insight once you have removed yourself from the crazy world U found yourself in.

I have been involved with what I now think is a narcissistic sociopath for almost 6 years. I am NOT young, I was 61 when we met in his antique shop. Within three months time, even though I was married, he had love bombed me to the point that he convinced me we were ” meant ” to be together! He flattered me like no one EVER has, said God sent me into his shop. Promised marriage in two months time after my divorce! He paid for a condo for me yo live in, paid living expenses, but he moved in with me. He had another huge house and I foolishly thought he would live there until we married! After my divorce NOTHING was ever mentioned about marriage! I was SOOO upset, I was dependent on him, he had me work for him telling me I needed to be a team player! I had very little money, no family, no children and no place to go to! He says I caused our problems because I had a bad temper and was jealous! He flirted with all the attractive women customers and eventually tried to have an affair with another married woman who began working for him one day a week WHILE I was still living with him! He denied it, made me think I was crazy! He finally literally threw me out. I had no house, I got one in my divorce but he told me to sell it because we weren’t ever going back to that town. He took the money I received, $10,000, from the closing because he then told me he shouldn’t have to pay for my divorce, said it was just a loan! I never heard that remark when we were at the attorney’s office and the fee was discussed and he said he would just pay it with his credit card! Anyway, I moved in with a girlfriend, had a one day a week job, was devastated and felt like such a fool. Four days later, calls and says he made a mistake, begs me yo come back. I loved him but Zi said I needed an engagement ring! Three months later I got one, but it lasted only two months. He asked for it back because we argued about me working for him more days, and him telling me he was a decorator too and I said I wanted my own place to decorate! He said if that was how I felt bring the ting back. I did 2 weeks later and there was his longtime ” friend” as he always told me in his shop. I found out he was giving her a copy of his will and making her the executor. Of course at the time he lied about why she was there! We never hit re engaged, we dated, but he cheated, unbeknownst to me though! He has been with this woman, his do called friend, who everyone in town thinks they are a couple for 25 years. I didn’t know all this when we met, he said he was single and just friends with her! After another year of dating, breaking up, back and forth, out of the blue he calls and says he can’t see me for a week because his sister was visiting! I pleaded with him for us ALL to get together! I discovered his “friend” was back serving him and this went on for THREE years! He finally said he was just going to date HER. However he continued to Dailey text me, come down to my hometown and spend the nights about once every two weeks. He alwYs kept saying how he didn’t love her, never even held her hand, but she probably did feel differently about him! I let this insulting behavior go on for all these years. I knew about her, but he didn’t want her to know about ME. I can’t understand how I allowed this. BTW, he had two year long affairs with other people while he was with her before I came along. She knows he cheats but she always takes him back! Now last year, out of the blue, he calls and says he’s BROKEN up with her and wants to see me! I am so weak that I agree. Meanwhile I TRIED to move on but he was still in my life. I was dating a nice man but I ended it with him then. Now this narcissist tells me he just wants us to date, and go slow and have fun. Says life is all about fun! Like a fool I agreed. We have broken up MANY times during these 8 months. I always try to end it. I am so frustrated, he doesn’t want to marry, yet when I end things, he writes me saying he wants marriage, promises me that if I come back. Of course I but nothing changes! Every time we break up he goes right back to seeing this woman every night. She cooks dinner for him every night, I am very upset about this but he acts like its nothing, says I am the reason he goes back to her. I am too emotional, to demanding, too jealous, says I am crazy, bipolar! I always call him after I try to break up and stay away! He says he knows I will be calling him soon. This time he went to a pottery show for ten days out of town and we weren’t talking at the time. Before he left I called and tried to explain why I am so upset with him, why I never feel secure in this relationship. I offered to go to that show either him but he said she was going and was helping him. I said well if they are JUST friends then it won’t matter. He lied yo my face, said she had her own room and was driving up to Ohio by herself. Of course it was not true. He stopped texting me, told me he was too busy yo talk. I discovered she stayed with him, in his room for the ten days, they drove up together! I was SO upset! He returned and when I told him I KNEW all this he acted like it was NOTHING. Said he asked her to stay in his room because it saved her $700. Says nothing happens! I accepted THIS AGAIN, what’s wrong with me?…I have read everything I all I can find about this, he fits the profile of a narcissist I think but I am beginning to think he’s right, that I am crazy. I break up with him, I know he lies, he cheats, I try No Contact, but I can’t stick to it! Now, after this trip, I ended it again, I actually had a date with someone else. I was still texting him though! He tracked me down at my dates house and left letters on my windshield at his home!! I talked to him again and we started dating AGAIN for a week. I am pretty sure the ” friend” was still out of town and now all of a sudden, he leaves me a long text saying all the same things, how everything I do is wrong, I don’t eat right, I just want him to marry me, I want someone to just take care of me, on and one, I am bipolar etc. and he is not going to see me anymore!!!!! This is the third day! I blocked him, I know he is not normal but I am having such a hard time with this. I thought we actually loved each other, I know logically no one treats someone this way and loves them. I am 66 years old now, no children, no family, alone and feeling like such a fool to have ever believed all his lies! I need help!!! I want to KNOW that he is a narcissist, and I want someone to help me stay away from him and try to have a normal rest of my life!!!!!!

I did provide a kind of closure for myself. When after a fight my narc started to give me a silent treatment, I waited a week, tried to contact him again, and when he refused to see me, I wrote a goodbye email. No reply, of course, to my really nice goodbye email. And we ve’had no contact since then (it’s been a month now). Silence. It’s only the second time it happens in my relationship with the narc, but that was enough for me to realize that he does punish me with a silent treatment (first time it happened I just had no clue what the hell is going and why the hell we are not talking to each other – I have really done nothing wrong). I think my goodbye email helped me in a way. I knew there will be no reply, it wasn’t a surprise for me… but I needed to send it to him anyway, for myself. As if his awarness of me knowing where I stand (that it’s not just silence, but really over) helped me to move on. Also, I think I wanted to show him that I won’t tolerate his silent treatment again. I am not sure but after doing my homework on narcissism, I guess I might expect him to hoover. First time he did it, the silnece took 2 months. Now, it might be longer… And I’m trying to use this time to prepare myself for not letting him back in (we work in the same field and he is a great professional contact for me so it can be a little tricky).

OMG!! I was just sitting here thinking that “Satan” much teach a class to these entities. It is obviously so predictable and the impact on the “victim” seems to be equally predictable. As I was reading this article I was reminded that one of my recurring fears is the fear of injustice. I am just so afraid that she will “get away” with these atrocities. Thank you for your gift of articulation. It provides me with such a clarity. A reflection to see myself in. I hope you have some idea of what a beautiful thing this is, that you are doing for folks like us !! I didn’t even realize that I was holding on to this illusion of closure until I read this article… {{sigh}}
Jeff