As I coach people through narcissist abuse recovery, I see a behavioral and emotional trend occurring about the third week in. It typically happens after an abuse victim is feeling pretty good about having little or no contact with the narcissistic abuser. Emotionally, the victim becomes confused and can no longer differentiate between the feeling of normal break-up sadness and the sensation of having second thoughts. Behaviorally, it often leads to major self-sabotage.
This trend of self-doubt causes me much angst because I remember my own behavior with the narcissist and if I had known then what I know now I would have never succumbed to the false feeling. I would have checked myself with the calm understanding that my logical head, in all traumatic situations, always impatiently waits for my heart to catch up with it. Impatience, however, is never a virtue. Inevitably, it becomes the most detrimental obstacle to recovery from emotional – and often physical abuse – at the hands of a narcissistic partner.
About the third week into recovery, even as we talk everything through, all of the awful memories of the narc’s chaos campaign begin to fade away. I recognize this all too well. We miss this person so much that we contemplate not living. The narcissist, of course, is living just fine as he or she always has because moving on is what they do best. The problem is that we turn our sadness into something else…something it is NOT. We associate sadness with feeling “wishy-washy” and this is anything but logical. I was guilty of this myself and it was my downfall. However, now that I guide people to recovery, I realize how big an obstacle this confusion really is.
One woman that I speak with regularly and love dearly is having second thoughts about her divorce from a man that I believe is probably one of the worst narcissistic abusers that I have ever known about. I told her that his moving out was going to bring some very sad moments and this was normal. We are NOT narcissists and therefore we need time to heal. We simply cannot flip a switch. Out heart needs to catch up with our head and this is no easy race. We want so much to find a quick fix for recovery that we inadvertently misread our own feeling and sabotage the journey. We confuse our post-breakup sadness with being “wishy-washy” and since our response to that wishy-washy feeling throughout the abuse has always been to find our way back to the narcissist, we automatically – and out of habit – turn down that same damn road. In essence, we give up too quickly. Think how crazy this is….we know damn well that we do NOT want to be with this person yet if we linger a tad too long in the post-breakup sadness, we somehow think that going back to the monster is the answer. It makes no sense
I am here to tell you that normal sadness and feeling “wishy-washy” are two different emotional scenarios, the biggest difference being that sadness will eventually pass. Going back to the narcissist, nothing passes. In fact, things will get progressively worse and fast. By misreading our feelings…by not trusting that we are doing the right thing…we impose upon ourselves a death sentence, real or figuratively.
To recover from narcissist abuse, we have to learn to trust ourselves. We must literally ignore the heart because the heart – in these types of relationships – will always try to trick us into taking the path of least resistance. Just when our head has finally convinced us to go down the right path, our heart does a 360. Humans are so fearful of the unknown – even when they know that the unknown all but guarantees a brighter future – that they stupidly return to the abyss for another round. The place of abuse actually becomes comfortable because at least we know what the future brings. In light of the fact that we only get to live once, to back slide is doing ourselves a great disservice.
I hear this statement many times a day: I do not want this person back yet I miss him so much. What the fuck is wrong with me? My response, in turn, is the same every time: Nothing is wrong with you. You are normal. You bleed. You feel pain. This too shall pass. You will get better but you must be patient. We are all grown-ups here and a grown-up should know that a full recovery takes time. While it certainly possible for someone to wake up the day after a break-up feeling awesome, I would have to say that this is the exception to the rule.
Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of love. Stay self-aware. Learn to recognize normal feelings of sadness and avoid knee-jerk reactions to it. Give yourself a chance at happiness within an unknown future. Consider that the end of the path appears blurry because the future is still to be created and not because something bad awaits you. Have faith that your personal and emotional freedom from narcissistic abuse is absolutely the right thing to do.
Bridget Sage
July 2, 2018 at 2:40 pmHI there, I am a writer and in a narcisstic relationship. I study it extensively and read 4 books last week alone. It fascinates and confuses me because I just can’t comprehend it but see it clearly at the same time. I would love to help you and work for you when over whelmed and write articles, answer clients and just give good advice. I have been in a few of these relationships and its so hard to convince us to leave. Contact me if you need a writer or assistant.
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2018 at 2:32 amHi Bridget,
I’m going to write you from my personal gmail account…….I think you might be a plan. I obviously have fallen so far behind…..I could use the help. It’s hard being a one woman show:)
Look for my email in the next day or so….
Zari:)
Laura
June 28, 2018 at 12:02 pmWell i’ve done it. I’ve been no contact since Monday but today i bit the bullet and actually blocked my narc. We were engaged for 3 years, i had an amazing relationship with his daughter from when she was 3 yrs old till we split, then i found out he had been cheating, this was along with all the silent treatments and discards that had been going on for the last year of the relationship. We split up for 6 months, it was like i never existed, he even cut me out of his daughter life and to be fair i spent more time with her than he did, we had a very loving relationship. Stupidly i started seeing him again on a mainly sexual basis. The discards and silent treatments have carried on for the last 2 years, i’ve never been with anyone who has made me feel so used and worthless, like a piece of meat. I even took an overdose over this guy who sadly i still love. For my own mental health i know it has to stop as it will never change, he’ll never be that guy i first fell in love with, but now that i’ve blocked him i have such a mixture of feelings. Sadness, fear guilt, i’m terrified that he’ll still try to hoover me and terrified that he wont. The hardest thing is going to be for me to stick to it myself, and advice would be majorly appreciated x
Latessa
April 9, 2018 at 12:27 pmI am going through a legal separation right now from a 27 1/2 yr marriage that I can honestly say that only the last 5 years were hell but then I looked back & their were red flags.
I realized something important that may help everyone with the sadness. I realized that he took on my positive attributes, he mimicked me & the only nice things he ever did was go along with me while I did them. He never ever helped anyone on his own.
So, what thought was what I loved about HIM was in reality what I liked about me & I am not losing me???? I am holding on to this thought while I face going through the whole court thing & every time I feel sad.
Debra
April 6, 2018 at 9:33 amI am a female and was in a committed partnership with my girlfriend for 15 years. She wanted out of the relationship and left in July 2015. We saw each other through December of that year as strictly friends. Eventually, there was a falling out and we did not speak again until Mid-March. She is an alcoholic, and in March of 2016 she contacted me, saying she was reaching out to me. She had started AA. We have been friends now for two years, and it has for the most part been enjoyable. However, there was a lot of pushing and pulling on her part. Due to my enabling, I was fully into the relationship but wanted more. Being retired,there was an imbalance of attention. So I did everything I could to win her back, and It was going nowhere. Her relationship with her AA friends intensified throughout these two years. I am totally accepting of those relationships. In the last few months I started to feel that when I was present, I wasn’t present. She didin’t want to converse, or do much of anything except hang out. She was in control of when to meet, how often, and what she needed. Her therapist told her she has a bit of a narcissistic personaliity disorder. I feel like I have just been a placeholder while she worked on herself, and feel sad that it isn’t going to work out. I told her I couldn’t be in the relationship because of my strong feelings, and the distance I feel. She called me two days later and still wants to be my friend, and said let’s not say goodbye. As a friend told me this will go on forever if I let it; the pushing and pulling. I still very much love her and it will be difficult to not respond to her call or text. Any advice as to how to be strong about this. Reading this blog has helped me somewhat to deal with the sadness.
Erin Schunk
March 21, 2018 at 6:32 pmI believe. If you laugh about it all … and think I wish he’d move on … that it helps. This strategy helped me .. along with reading your books.
Zari Ballard
March 25, 2018 at 1:32 pmHi Erin,
Laughing is good because these people ARE ridiculous. Finding the humor in it absolutely helps. In my coaching sessions, you wouldn’t believe how much laughing we do when we start comparing stories. It helps you sit back and look at it from an entirely different angle. Thank you for your comment…I agree!
Zari xo
Suze
March 5, 2018 at 3:24 pmHi Zari. I am so glad your article popped up today. Life has taken many twists and turns since we last spoke will share more in an email. But as if you and the universe are tuned into my here and now ,I am simultaneously rereading WLIAL. The resonance of addiction and narcissistic behaviour has needed to be revisted. Oh thd cyclical world of dependence of momentary highs and ever decreasing crumbs is such a monstrous habit to break. Hope all is well with you. Suze x
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 10:41 pmHi Suze!! OMG, I am so glad to hear from you and I’m glad I could provide some good here-and-now reading during the emotional roller coaster ride. I remember it well. All is good here…even better now that I’m hearing from you:) Please do share more in an email – I would love to hear what has been happening with you, sister:) xoxoxo
Jessica
March 4, 2018 at 5:46 pmGreat post! Thank you. It does kind of leave me with a question, though. How long is it normal to miss them so much you don’t think you’ll ever feel normal again. I have not spoken to my ex in 6 months. (Together 8 years). Two weeks after he discarded me he started dating a girl he had cheated on me with 5 years ago. They are now engaged. I can’t believe any of this and it has me doubting there’s anything wrong with him, that it was all me, and I can’t make sense of it. After six months he is still on my mind all day, and I’m tired of it. But I don’t know how to stop it.
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2018 at 9:10 pmHi Jessica,
I actually have an answer for that….in a pro-active recovery, my formula is that it will take one month for every year you’ve been in it for life to start clearing up. I talk about this in my book Stop Spinning, Start Breathing. There’s a mental process…a shift…that has to occur and I explain this. You CAN get this jerk out of your head…even after eight years. I promise. I also do phone consults and can guide you through it. Otherwise, you are doing the right thing by reading about it and finding stories just like your own. It has to be pro-active because there is no magic fix but, trust me, your heart got you into this mess and your head can get you out of it. You simply have to get a clear perspective and realize that the loss may hurt but it’s the only logical thing to do. There are no other options if you want to live. And the new girl…she is simply another victim. History always repeats itself – especially in a narcissist’s world…..
Zari xo