Historical Rejection: Why the Narcissist Gives Us Up

narcissist-rejectionI think that when a narcissist discards us, one of the reasons we wait for him to return (aside from the fact that he’s conditioned us to do so) is because we just can’t fathom the fact that he could actually give us up. And that’s what he does – he gives us up.

We think back to laughs shared, to all the things about us that he said made us different from the others, to the great sex, to the way we were always there when he needed us even though the favor was rarely returned, to the way we never cheated on him (even while he was cheating on us), to the way we’d allow him back without asking questions…we think and believe that everything we did for this person over the years actually stood for something. We believe that having a history together is special and, therefore, we assume that our partner must feel the same. We believe in the value of invested time. We imagine that couples who have these long complicated histories must be destined to grow old together, right? Once, while holding my hand and looking into my eyes, my ex even said those words to me…that we’d grow old together. Of course, he said it right after cheating on me as I sobbed over the betrayal but, still, he said it! (LOL)

zari - narcissist-abuse-supportThroughout the first three years of my relationship, during certain fights where it appeared that my mere presence in the room annoyed him, my ex would look at me in all my sadness and say as coldly he could, “I can take you or leave you”. I can remember in vivid detail the very first time he said that to me…how it felt like he’d reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Those six little words hurt my feelings sooooo bad that I spent the next 10-years trying to prove to him that we were supposed to be together …that he, in fact, couldn’t live without me! He would periodically make that statement with such narcissistic confidence that I was bound and determined to make him feel otherwise. In retrospect, of course, those six little words were the most telling and truthful words he ever said to me.

When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his narcissistic indifference to our very existence, the narcissistic partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving. In doing this, we provide him 24/7/365+ full-blown narcissistic supply.

When we first meet the narcissist who becomes our partner, we are usually at the peak of feeling good in our lives. Rarely, if EVER, does a girl/guy hook up with a narcissist at a low period in his/her life. This is why I beg to differ with outsiders who state that it is a victim’s lack of self esteem that keeps her/him in these types of relationship…that allows the narcissist to treat us like shit.  On the contrary, it is our self-esteem and confidence that attracts the narcissist in the first place because it exemplifies for him our future demise at his own hands. This is why he has no problem sucking up during the Idolize phase…indeed, our eventual (and inevitable) fall from grace is well worth it. Everything is a means to an end to someone with a narcissistic personality. Initially, the narcissist makes us feel so special and so connected that we imagine (incorrectly) that there’s simply no way he could really discard us or give us up for someone else. But he does, over and over and over.

How can the narcissist just give us up? The same way, when it’s time for him to come back, he gives up the girl that he cheats on us with. We are no more important than her and she no more important than us in his eyes. Don’t forget that every time a narcissist hoovers and/or every time the narcissist returns, someone else somewhere is getting the silent treatment. Someone else somewhere is asking herself, “How can he just give me up?” In the narcissist’s life, making us feel like we matter is just one way to get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there. Then, when he needs to be somewhere else, off he goes. It’s a glorious game of rinse and repeat, over and over. A history together? What’s that? To a narcissist, ten years together is the same as ten weeks which is the same as ten days which is the same as ten minutes. To a narcissist, all relationships are not only meaningless, they are also timeless. This is why he can give you up.

The narcissist doesn’t just reject us, he rejects the entire history and, I’m sorry, but that’s fucking painful. It’s rejection with a capital fucking ‘R’ because it all means nothing. A narcissist can compartmentalize five different relationships so that each relationship means exactly the same to him. This is what he does. This is who he is. For us, it’s our co-dependency to hope that keeps us from accepting the futility of the relationship for exactly what it is! In your mind, if you could rewind and replay an entire movie of your relationship, analyzing every scene and conversation, you’d see that the N was actually fairly clear about how he felt about you. We just wanted to believe something else and he led us to believe it.

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Everything we do and say and feel in our relationship with a narcissistic partner is about proving our worth and trying to get him to change his mind. We tell him “Mean what you say and say what you mean” but when he is clear about how he feels about us…when he says things like “I can take you or leave you”…when he abandons us for no reason at all…when he cheats on us left and right…we continue to jump up and down, demanding that he take it all back, take us back, that he can’t possibly mean those words or actions because, because, because…how could you just give me up?

How can he simply reject all that history? You see, histories contain memories and we (the NORMAL folk) naturally get stuck on all that bittersweet. Narcissists don’t have the mental capacity to care about history and memories and this is because (and also why) he ‘s so good at being a narcissist.

To reject us is to reject all of the history  that comes with it…the history that we worked so hard to create in hopes that it would keep him from leaving. But it never does. He leaves anyway. Unfortunately, this is the destiny of the relationship from day one. It’s like putting our heart and souls and years of work into painting a masterpiece for the person we love only to have that person look at it with disgust and leave the room. He never appreciates the love we placed on that canvas with every brush stroke or how carefully we chose the colors. Now, this doesn’t mean that the painting wasn’t beautiful….it just means that the narcissist didn’t see...couldn’t see it.  In all the chaos and desperation of a discard, we have to remember that it wasn’t us. The narcissist didn’t give up on us – he gave us up. And there’s a difference.

Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.

Stay strong…..:)

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97 Comments

  • Cheryl

    March 29, 2017 at 3:32 pm Reply

    Wow, some of these stories so similar to mine each in their own way, the common denominator of course, being abused in some way by a narc. I had a five year love affair with a married man, I know, I know, he was the brother of a good friend and we had known each other for years, I had just gone through a divorce, my narc came onto me telling me how his wife is crazy and doesn’t love him, “in a loveless marriage”, he not only took advantage of my vulnerabilities, but got me to feel sorry for him because I’m thinking here is this good man being mistreated at home, boy did I get that one wrong. We were with each other for almost (5) years, he wined and dined me, told me how beautiful I was, how sexy I was, did things for me all the time to try and make me think he was this great guy, bought me expensive gifts, took me on vacations, really poured on the charm and romance, I really thought I had finally found “the one”. The man of my dreams. He asked me to take a trip to Italy with him for 10 days and treated it like a honeymoon. We never had a cross word between us, our sex life was off the charts, but now after my healing I realize that he was a somatic narc I think. For a narc, it doesn’t matter how pretty you are or how good the sex is, they will cheat anyway, it’s who they are. Not too long after we were back from Italy even though we had a wonderful time and told me how happy I always made him, he started acting distant, one night I see him with this girl at the gym we worked out at and had my suspicions of her before, that night we went out and I confronted him about her, he shut right down and acted like I was nuts, didn’t want to talk about it. That’s when the mask first started to fall, I was confronting him, beginning to figure him out and he didn’t like that, so then I started getting the silent treatment and when I tried to call or text him to figure out what was going on, he acted like I’m the one with the problem, telling me “my texts were getting negative”, because I’m looking for the truth. Turned out he was “grooming” this new supply behind my back for the last 4 or 5 months we were together. I asked him for my key back, he had no problem just discarding me like I was nothing, like all the years we spent together were nothing, that I think is the most painful part of narc abuse is realizing for the first time, although you loved this person and it was very real to you, it means nothing to them, so incredibly hurtful and painful. I think I was waiting for an apology, explanation, something to give me closure and it never came. That’s what keeps you stuck. Then I realized through healing and talk therapy, they are not capable of it because they have no feelings, no empathy for you, so don’t get stuck or wait around for that closure because you will NEVER get it, spend your energy instead on loving yourself, take care of you and concentrate on healing is all I can say. I am about a year and a half out now and doing so much better, although at the time of the discard, I suffered major depression and isolation, it was like nothing I have ever experienced in a break up. He acts like I don’t exist, like our history didn’t exist, he takes her to all the same places he used to take me, it’s so bizarre, so I relate to all of your stories and sympathize with your pain, please know I still have my days, but things do get better, you can heal and thrive after narc abuse. Humans can be so cruel to other humans. My prayers and thoughts are with all of you, wish you peace and healing.

  • Monica

    March 21, 2017 at 7:44 am Reply

    I first dated my Narc ex three years ago. He is a flashy guy. Always has the best of everything, has lots of friends, drives a luxury car, loves to be the center of attention. He wasn’t my type but he love Bombed me for a couple months. Fancy dinner, flowers on the doorstep, talks of marriage and family. …I thought I found my prince. Six months later he picked a fight with me becsuse I brought him fast food(everything else was closed.) the next morning after he insulted me one too many times I began to cry hysterically…he didn’t comfort me, went to work and stopped answering my calls for a week. after a week of him ignoring me I send a text saying “im assuming your lack of communication means we’re over” the next day he responds with, “I think that would be a good idea.” He Then goes on vacation and post a picture his college girlfriend, saying they’ve been doing this for a decade. This was two days after our break(I think he started the fight so he would be free to cheat with her)…A couple weeks later he begins posting pictures with a new girl. The pictures show them at the same places we used to frequent, and like me, she’s a law student. He seems to be happy and moved on.

    Then One day about six months after our break up, when I’m feeling better and getting over him, my roommate comes home with a bag of jewlery, she says my ex contacted her and told her he had some of my stuff that he didn’t want to throw away. Well I had a whole drawer at his house but the bag doesn’t contain any of my stuff…instead it’s full of cheap chunky jewelry. I look at his social media and it’s the same jewelry that his college gf is wearing in the pic he posted right after the break up. I’m livid, my roommate confronts him and she says he’s laughing hysterically. Around the same time I delete him from my social media because he starts making rude comments on my pictures.

    A year later. I think I’m completely over him, His gf(the law student) is now pregnant and he and I reconnect as friends through a mutual friend. I’m open to reconnecting because I truly believe I have moved on. He starts hitting on me and telling me his gf is crazy and that’s it’s over between them and asks if we can date again. For months he pursues me. One night I give in and we sleep together. He asks what we’re doing and I say we’re friends but that if we were to get back together he’d have to make a real effort. He says he’s in a reckless place and that he’s not ready to be with one woman…We continue to hang out casusally and against my best judgement. He’s very affectionate and the chemistry seems magnetic. He makes no secret we’re seeing each other and our mutual friends joke about how he and I just need to get married. A few weeks later, after a nice dinner I bring up a party we’re both going to. He warns me that he’s single and will be doing “his thing” there. I’m offended and tell him whether we are committed or not he should not be hitting on other women in front of me because we have an initimate relationship. He agrees to not do it in my face but says we’re just FWB, he doesn’t see us together and I should be prepared for him to either get back with mother of his child or someone else.. For the next several weeks we continue to hang out and he continues to make comments about other women and how I should be dating other men. At the same time I’m confused because he is extremely affectionate, showing me a lot of PDA, and basically acting like my bf in public and in front of mutual friends. Fast forward to last week. We are intimate on Tuesday and over the weekend we go on a big ski trip with mutual friends. Technically, we did not go on this trip “together” but as a group. We rent a big house and Jane, a friend of a friend joins us once we get to the snow. This is an annual trip and Apparently my Narc had a flirtation with Jane in last year. Jane Is aware of the history between my Narc and I assures me nothing has ever happened between them. However within hours jane and my Narc are all over one another and my Narc is being very standoffish with me. I’m
    Shocked because he always gives me his full attention…By the end of the first night they are cuddling and he is basically being affectionate with her in the same way that he is always with me. I approach them and she apologizes and gets up and I pull him aside for a talk. I tell him he can do what he wants when we get home but to stop pursuing this woman right in front of me. I tell him I didn’t sign up for this and it’s not fair for him to pursue someone else while I’m stuck in a cabin with them all weekend. He says that he’s not doing anything and then goes back inside and continues to pursue Jane who seems to enjoy it. By the next evening my Narc and Jane are behaving like an item, holding hands,cuddling, kissing, running off to his room. I literally want to throw up and I mentally check out from the group. I’m laying on the couch minding my business and my Narc who had just left the hot tub with Jane says we need to talk. He tells me that he hates when I’m mad at him, but that I’ve been the one pursuing him these last couple months and the only reason we’ve been having sex is because I’ve wanted it pursued it. He says he’s also upset that I’ve been telling people he’s disrespecting me because he’s not, and that he’s always been honest with me and we’re just Friends with benefits. He makes sure to give this speech in front of other people, maybe to make himself look like less of an asshole. He tells me I need to accept the way he is or perhaps we just need to stop talking all together. He then sits on a couch next to me with Jane and they are laughing and cuddling.

    At this point I feel utterly depressed and defeated and I go to the bedroom to sleep, everyone else goes out and my Narc and Jane have retreated to bed.

    I try to ignore them the next day and am Happy to be finally going home. They seem to be having a great time and to be getting a kick about the damage they have caused me. Jane keeps laughing about how she’s done enough and my Narc continues to be all over her. Paying for all off her activities, carrying her bag and taking pics.

    It’s been a couple days and I am Currently getting over the shock of being discarded so cruelly and publicly. I have often wondered if he were a full blown narcicst but this weekend confirmed my belief.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 31, 2017 at 12:09 pm Reply

      Hi Monica,

      Yes, I would say that the big ski weekend absolutely confirmed it! He’s a full-blown asshole narcissist and you are better off without him. He and that bitch Jane deserve each other because I’ll tell you what, he will do the SAME to her eventually. Block him at all costs so that he can not contact you even if he wants to. You deserve so much better. He is a deceiver and he is absolutely cruel. Yikes! Look, you can do this, girl. If you’d like to talk about it. consider booking a consultation . Together, we could a work out a “getting-back-to-normal” strategy. It’s all about changing your perspective of who he is and what he does. Believe me, I am certain the people who have been watching from the sidelines do not see him as this wonderful person. This guy is feels falsely entitled to be an asshole. His true colors are shining through. YOU are going to be just fine….

      I would keep my distance from the crowd, though, for awhile. Understand that you can NEVER reconnect with these people even just as “friends”. They don’t understand what friendship even means. Create your boundaries and commit to them for life. It is our only protection from the evils of this world.

      Stays strong…I am here to support you….

      Zari xo

  • Confused

    March 4, 2017 at 3:09 pm Reply

    Hi, Zari.
    I’ve read your article and I would like to share my story.
    Over a year and a half ago, I started “dating” a man who I knew for a long time. We knew each other very superficially, only spoke few words, but I knew he was into me and I was into him.
    His ex, by that time “formal” girlfriend, was moving out of his house… They lived together twice and she ended moving out both times. This last time was when he started visiting me and texting.
    He was charming. He constantly told me I was good looking, that he would like to have “something” with me. When he and his ex finally ended the relationship, our “relationship” went to heaven. He would stay at my house and I would regularly spend the night at his place. He would be very persistant by text, always writing and checking if I was ok and keeping up with the conversation so it wouldn’t die. I was such a smart girl that got him mouth open by my big and open mind. Constantly he would say that I got him under a spell; he loved my body, my scent, my mind, my company.
    One day, I discovered that he went out with his ex to catch a movie. So I got mad and question him, for being going out with her to the movies. He raged and told me I was crazy, that he didn’t owe either of us (ex and me) an explanation on who he goes out with. I said that I understood his position, but that I was not going to play the game, so that whenever he wanted something formal, he could look for me… He soon apologized, and asked me to meet him and talk, but I was really mad. Next day he looked out for me and like I didn’t respond to his texts soon enough, he blocked me in facebook and phone. I went to his house raging for what he did and we “spoke”. We did not got anywhere. After that we saw each other more often and everything was “okay”. Soon he began to say that my point of view was wrong, that I was stupid for thinking the way I did. I would defend myself and then question me internally to see if I was “right”by thinking the way I did. Everytime it was worse. He would roll his eyes at my point of view, and say I had to read more because I was mistaken and soon I would stop talking about almost everything because I thought I was wrong and had a lot of things to learn from him.
    We didn’t spoke for some weeks, and he just texted me to say that he was not going to lie to me, and he would be going out with his ex again. That it was just not the time for him and me.
    He soon discovered that his ex was dating another man so he raged at her and came crying to me about how wicked she was and how much he gave to her and she just went away with another men (they weren’t oficially dating).
    We sort of hook up again. One day he raged and started throwing stuff all around, jut because someone did not agree with him. After that icident he told me he wanted to be free, to go out and have sex with who he wanted and that I was in his way. I cried and beg him to give me a chance and he said that he could not give me what I was looking for.
    I backed off and a week later he texted me saying I was wicked. That he wanted to stay close to me because I was a worthy person but as soon as he told me he wanted to be free and have casual sex I went away, that I didn’t understood anything about him and that my only interest in him was to smother him.
    I did not reply, but I went to his house the next day. He told me he once thought I was gielfirend material, but that he discovered that I was just drama and problems, that I was not at his “hight”. That he woukd prefer us to stay friends and always be toghether.
    I went out of his house devastated. I did not wanted to know about him ever.
    A week afer he texted. I did not reply for over two months. Vacations were over and when I got back to school he was dating his ex again. A month after, the ex was pregnant, but she didn not knew who the father was. She soon decided she was not going to have that baby by his side, so she spoke to him and went away.
    He, obviously, came to me. He was more attached than ever. He would be at my house every day, texted me every minute. Then, he made plans with me and turn them off. When I got tierd of him doing that I told him I was not hapoy about him doing that. He told me I knew nothing about him, that I couldn’t understand him and that I took everything personally. He stoped texting me. We saw each other and he told me he was sorry, but he was starting to fill commitment and he did not wanted that. He texted me almost every day after that, but always with misogynistic images or phrases. I soon got mad and called him a jerk. He got offended and then, when I stoped talking to him again he asked me to talk. The only thing we spoke about was about him being a jerk. He stood up and deny it all the way, instead he told me I was the jerk.
    After that I decided no to spoke to him again, and when he discovered that, he blocked me on social media and gave away the thing I gave him as gifts to people who I knew. On christmas he texted me wishing me a happy holliday. When we got back from vacations I kept ignoring him, two weeks later, he asked me why I was so angry at him. I did not answerd, so he went out and catch me on a hallway and tried to get me into a classroom so we would “speak”. I just ignored him as if he was not even existing and continue walking. He trxtrd me something like “i see how we are, we don’t need to fix anything” and blocked me away.
    After that we met at my house to “speak” and he just told me to back off, we would never be anything and that Inhad to give up on him. He was dating a girl his age who was smart, loving and really understood him, but that she was not his type, and that that was thr main resson he would date her, because he didn’t like her physically.
    He told me he would be visiting me, that he trully loved me and that I was very important to him. I told him I believed none of the things he told me, and keep my tears inside. He went and not knew about him for two weeks. I went to a party where he took his new girl and did not get a bad reaction from me… Actually I felt good to see them together and see how he was trying to make me jealous. After that party he started sending me videos with funnysexual content.
    One day he got sick, with flu (he said he had influenza) and made a big deal out of it. I did not believed him and just gave him words of advice and pretended to be worried about his health.
    He started texting me everyday with stupid things and then, he just stoped doing it.
    I don’t know what to do now… I can’t go “no contact” with him for now and he is driving me crazy with his texts and then not texting back, or running away every time he see me

    • Zari Ballard

      March 14, 2017 at 3:06 pm Reply

      Hi Confused,

      If you continue reading at my website – all the articles – you will find one for every narcissistic behavior that you describe in your post. He’s about as narcissistic as they come and she (his other gf) is a victim as well. He tells people what they want/need to hear in order to get what they want. I don’t know why you say that you can’t go “no contact” because you CAN. It’s the only way to end the nonsense. He doesn’t care about you any more than he cares about her and he never did. These monsters are con artists and the game just never gets old for them. What you allow, will continue, my dear. Save the rest of your life and let him be her problem forever and ever.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Clay

    February 24, 2017 at 7:59 pm Reply

    That was the best thing i have read and it all fits…thanks for helping me recovering from a narsisitic wife….

  • Disappointed

    February 20, 2017 at 10:25 pm Reply

    Hi Zari- I have struggled with a break-up 6 months ago and I mostly struggle with feeling like a fool and for the waste of time I spent. I am a compassionate person who fell for a man (the Narcissist) who a the time was in the process of losing his grandmother, uncle and then a slow hard death of his mother. Through the whole year and a half it was mixed messages of how much of a blessing I was as I helped him emotionally with, in particular his mother’s death, but the whole time I started catching onto the fact that although he reluctantly referred to me as his girlfriend initially but for the sake of all the medical help needed and I as a medical professional could assist with, it made sense to refer to me as that. We “seemed exclusive” and he did the talk of the future, sent me love songs, sent me to spend time with his dying mom and we did grow close. I loved his mom. Meanwhile, on Facebook, there were so many women and so much evidence that I was likely not the only woman in his life, never a picture of us and always still single status. He would often suddenly change plans on me and when I acted upset, since it was a Saturday night and I had no other plans since I planned to be with him, he would make it into my problem of not understanding that he needed his time “alone”. Lots of silent treatments in particular due to the fact he withheld sex and even intimate kissing from me, knowing that was important to me. Again this started out amazing and one day it just stopped and he had a million excuses why he would not engage with me in that. He wanted me with him in his bed but would turn his back to me at night. Yet talk of a future and plead with me to hang in there with him when he was difficult. Due to the hospice and death of his mom, I was compassionate and put my needs aside and was loyal. I became close to all of his family and did things his way ever single time. After her passing, he did indeed seem very sad. I was with him at her death and funeral. but about a month after her passing, I did start to question him about things. He started calling me insecure. He would not directly answer my questions about if he was talking to other women on Facebook. Let me add that he made it clear that there were at least 100 women before me……but he wanted to settle down NOW. And he continued to withhold compliments and affection most of the time. Yet spoke of his believe every woman should be called beautiful he would not call me that. It was very hurtful. One day, he gaslit me after he knew I was upset and concerned about the topic of the affection witholding and also more and more suspicious with things I had seen and observed. He literally raged at me, as his phone blew up with texts from who knows who, it is like he let the flood gates open and the next day he walked out the door of his house where we were sleeping and never said a word to me, it was OVER. After the silent treatment, he said he needed a break and I didn’t understand him and how it is with the death of his mom. I was insensitive. He kept giving out a bit of hope here and there he was coming around again after one of many other times but this time, he drifted and became more and more resentful of me and then appears to now several months later found a new victim but he refuses to admit it to me. He refuses to admit ONE single thing he did that was a lie. IT is so infuriating. And like many, I feel so hurt that I stood by him through all of the deaths and all of the hardship believing he was just going through a tough spot. He was the one who promised it would get better. But it seems atypical to me that he withheld sex and kissing yet wanted me. Ironically, after we broke up he saw me and went back to wanting sex with no strings attached again which he had always told me he had two lists before we met the sex list or the friends list. He asked which list I wanted to be on and I looked at him like I had NEVER heard such a thing. He started me on the sex list and apparently moved me to the other. I am most upset because he sold me on the, I would never introduce you to my family if I didn’t plan to have you around for ever. And the sudden discard that was because I was figuring him out I know. So I am 6 months out and he is now randomly sending me things again. Like a song about being sorry and a jerk. But doesn’t want to discuss it or any further talk about feelings. He then sent me a random text about his other grandma dying and the anniversary of the one grandma dying as well. I don’t know if this is what you refer to as hovering. Is this what you would call a Narcissist. I will tell you I have been destroyed and left with so many questions. I even wrote him an email saying what decent man does this? Lies and deceives and just drops a person after all this without even sitting down and having a talk and then lying by omission about not having a new friend. It is maddening. And yes calling me crazy when he is the one doing the crazy things. My friends are sick of hearing about it. And I am tired of thinking about it. So yes I want it to stop. I wish there was Karma for people like this. his attempts at recontact are not for nostalgia or for anything positive correct? I suppose it throws me off with all this death…..but he is playing the victim card with me. And I just think ..wow with all that, that was all a lie? wow!!! His poor mom wanted him to marry me. He had her fooled even!!!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 28, 2017 at 5:27 pm Reply

      Hi Disappointed,

      Did we talk because your story sounds very familiar…and by that I mean like someone recently described that to me during a consultation?? I don’t know for sure….. but, anyway, you have to understand that he will never ever change and there’s nothing you could have done to change anything. Unfortunately, when you met him you definitely had something that he needed – compassion and, therefore, the willingness to shoulder a good part of the responsibility of taking care of his dying family. As a narcissist will always do, he used you. I know that’s a tough thing to hear but we all have to hear it. This would explain his sudden discard – everyone who was dying is dead! This is what they do. Now, with the other grandmother dying, he “hoovers” just to see if there’s any chance you’ll maybe step in to see this one off. The last thing a narcissist wants to do is have to appear that he gives a shit about anyone – even a dying family member. Sure, they do seem sad when a relative or parent dies but it only lasts for a minute. They’ve got much better things to do!!

      Remember, a narc’s whole life is about what he can get away with. Do NOT speak to this man and you actually should have him blocked on everything so that he can’t just pop in and out. If you have questions, book some time with me so that we can talk about it. I’m thinking now though that we already did maybe after you wrote this because I am running behind with my responses. If not, we should talk because you need a pep talk, girl, and that’s what I’m do best!!

      Zari xo

  • Marie

    February 15, 2017 at 12:37 pm Reply

    I’m crying right now realizing it all was a lie. It have been three years since we broke up and he never hovered or contacted me. Not that I want him back but it makes me wonder , did he thinks he ruined me? How come he just discarded without any attempt to Hoover? We dated nine months

    • Zari Ballard

      February 17, 2017 at 10:55 pm Reply

      Hi Maria,

      I just responded on another of your posts but I will reiterate that the fact that he has left you alone for three years is A VERY GOOD THING. Hoovering is NOT a sign of love or anything of the sort and all it causes is grief. Please do not waste a second of your time worrying about this or wondering. Have you been waiting all this time? It’s not worth it, sister. It really isn’t. The time for you to put it behind you and go forth is now. You deserve to be happy and he doesn’t deserve another second of your thought time.

      Zari xo

  • Constan

    February 4, 2017 at 11:03 am Reply

    My narc left me and my daughter after 3 yrs…he walked maintaining his squeaky clean image..dropped us just like that. I didn’t understand how this could me done when it seemed we were all happy and we treated each other well. Well it took him leaving and not calling to see who he really was. My first narc experience . He was judgemental of others ..seemed to be uncomfortable in his own skin but was very quiet charmer always seemed like he cared. Left 3 ex wives because of what they did to him, everyone of those stories he told shocked me because he was so good to me how could these woman have treated him this way.?? Everyone in his life wronged him especially his dad. Who abandoned them when he was 10..went from woman to woman he despised his dad. But still talked to him on the phone when he called and acted as if nothing was wrong. My narc hadn’t cried since he was 10. Lacked intimacy . ..sex with him always felt distant. But he always did the right thing he claimed he loved my daughter and me and always told us we were his family. I didn’t realize or see all the narc flags until he walked out on us. Then I realized who and what he was because it forced me to research why someone would walk out when things seemed fine. Well they were not. He insisted on paying all the bills while we were together but he left me knowing I was only working part time. I may have talked to him on the phone a few times after he left keeping him updated on my job seeking he would always say you will find something. Still maintaining his squeaky clean image…I hadn’t heard from him in months until he sent a text saying to make sure I put the utilities bill in my name etc etc…and about me renewing lease on my own…since
    Our lease ended in Jan on 31…that’s when I proudly responded telling him I found a great job a few months ago and that I can afford to stay in the house. I got no response!! He had been paying half the rent until the lease ended. He also had keys. I also sent him a text a week later asking for the keys..no response they just shoes up in the mail. It was as if he was angry ..I thought I would have gotten a response like glad you are doing well but a week later all I got was a weird text from him saying…Don’t text me or v mail me I’M in a relationship. I responded back saying .. Congrats ..I will keep you both in prayer..,have a blessed night..and since I have not heard anything. BTW he moved around the corner when he left me. This has all been an eye opener. I am healing day by day. And now that I know what I was dealing with I feel stronger . ..I cried for 5 months when he left because I could not understand what happened. I know it hurt my daughter she never talks about him . When he left I told her he had to move because of his job…I was trying to protect her. I survived through this but I look at people now and it seems I can see through them..almost like I can feel what’s really going on with them regardless of the face they put on. I don’t get out much I go to work and come home . I’m finding myself again and praying for those going through the same. I’ve always had a big heart for people especially homeless and I feel one day Iwill be able to reach out and help others once I am healed from this.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 5:29 pm Reply

      Hi Constan,

      Yes, I love the part “But he always did the right thing he claimed he loved my daughter and me and always told us we were his family.” What a way to treat family! My ex narc did the same thing to me and my son after 13-years. His tone in the texts is typical as well. They reach out just to ensure that you never move on from the pain they have caused you. It’s a vicious cycle and it will never ever stop…not with the new girl or anyone that comes after. If I were you, I would block him from being able to text you or email you or whatever. Go NO CONTACT to his silent treatment. he doesn’t deserve a minute of your time ever again! Read my book When Love Is a Lie because you’ll see yourself on every page.

      Stay strong, sister!

      Zari xo

  • nancoise

    January 26, 2017 at 1:12 pm Reply

    Thanks so much for this. Your article is great. It finally hit home with me. A narcissist friend dumped me after more than twelve years of close friendship, or so I thought, and the rejection was terribly painful and even sent me into depression for a while. But as you point out, those years and all that love meant nothing to her, she lied and manipulated to keep me close, and she not only changed the friendship, it’s as if it never happened for her. I’m now an acquaintance, but I run into her and it drags me down every time. It’s so liberating to own my own co-dependence in this case and affirm to myself that the love I offered her and her family was real. No love is wasted. I go on!

    • Zari Ballard

      January 28, 2017 at 7:08 pm Reply

      Thanks for writing, Nancoise…stay strong! No love is wasted – amen!…Zari xo

    • Jonathon

      February 9, 2017 at 12:00 pm Reply

      Imagine thinking they are ‘the one’ and then they dump you like a toy,tell you you are rubbish and try and delete your past with them, (revisiting with you the same places you went to when your first dated, and you can feel them deleting you from memory) I don’t know if its worse or not. When you see them again with a new boyfriend you feel pity for their next victim. Friendship is more complex. The betrayal still hurts I am sure.

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