A narcissistic lover will always leave us with an uncomfortable feeling – a nagging suspicion of something sinister going on that we can’t quite put our finger on. It’s an anxious, something just ain’t right feeling that far surpasses any other feeling of discomfort we might have experienced in, say, any other dysfunctional relationship. You might even find yourself staring at the back of this person’s head wondering if you even know him at all.
I’m talking about the nagging feeling that you get when he “innocently” forgets to call even one time (and you’re not a jealous person) or when he tells you a ridiculous, illogical story to explain why he wasn’t at home this morning when you stopped by (to see why he hadn’t called last night) or when he changes his phone number, playing The Cell Phone Game, for the fifth time this year (out of the blue) and couldn’t care less about explaining that at all. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: those feelings.
And when you bring these feelings that you’re having to this person’s attention, the reaction is instantly defensive. You are accused of being insecure, called a Drama Queen, and made to believe that you’re making mountains out of molehills. As a result, you’ve probably begun to say nothing at all when these feelings arise for fear of initiating what you already know will be the punishment – a silent treatment, perhaps, or some similarly weird, unexplained disappearance lasting a week or two and maybe more. Is it his fault? Is it your fault? What the fuck is going on?
It’s time to start listening to your intuition (because it’s never wrong). It’s time to stop and recognize who and what you are dealing with, my friend. Passive-aggressive narcissistic manipulation can be the most spirit-breaking kind of abuse imaginable simply because it conducts itself in the background of your life all day, every day. Passive-aggressive behaviors are as covert as they are deliberate – make no mistake about this! And the partner who inflicts this type of emotional manipulation does it for the sheer joy of seeing you suffer while he/she gets away with emotional murder (among other things). This partner is a narcissist and the often undefinable nagging feeling we get is what inevitably trauma bonds us to this person. It’s amazing how easily this person can historically reject us no matter hard we try to be what they want us to be.
Make no mistake about this fact and who exactly is the enemy. YOU are NOT the problem.
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Sylvie
March 15, 2017 at 8:54 amI have to say I have read all of this and now the last 10 years and his behavior make so much sense now and how I felt. Part of me is so pissed off that I have not seen it till now. Now I have to get out because I deserve better but I’m still in the same house and I feel so insane at times and angry at being manipulated which he is still doing while I’m there. I keep telling myself it’s him, I don’t care, dear god, help me find peace to just ignore him and focus on you. I’m feeling completely overwhelmed at really having the control somewhat on my money and looking for the right path to get out of there .
Zari Ballard
March 25, 2017 at 3:29 pmHi Sylvie,
Yes, you have to get out because you deserve better, my sister. Don’t waste time being angry because we can get stuck on that, keeping us in limbo land. There will never be the closure we imagine or want so we have to put that aside and get down to business. Just make a plan and stick to it. Financially, however you have to work it, do it, whether it’s stashing money or making money so that you can be independent. As for the right path, you don’t have to look for it because there’s only one and it goes right out the front door. You can do this and we’re here to support you:)
Zari xo
Ann Mac
March 2, 2017 at 12:33 amNever knew I was a slow learner . . . 63 years to understand narcissism. My mother had a degree in it, and yes I was the scapegoat, brother the golden headed son. He stood guard at my bedroom door while his mate raped me and when school teacher who I confided in spoke to my mother assuring me all would be well, I was told in no uncertain terms to keep my mouth shut. I did so for 50 odd years.
And that missing something in my marriage, loss of self esteem and confidence I found once I left home, left me again in my marriage.
Been down the road of how could this have happened to me a reasonably intelligent person blah blah blah now learning what it’s all been about. “You’re so sensitive, I was only joking, you’re imagining it,” thinking I was going nutty, then a nurse overheard him when he thought no one was within earshot. She asked me “Are you an abused wife?”
Even then I stood up for him, “This is neither the time nor place to discuss this,” as I chundered then vomited. But it got me ‘googling’
And after sustaining a brain injury due to a fall, being at a loss to fully understand my world, staff at the hospital came to my side, some of them saying “I didn’t need to put up with what they observed when he thought he wasn’t being observed.”
Strange after 40 plus years of abuse, no longer able to work, and with very little money I separated.
Now it is about me, learning to take my life back, to be the person I once was for a short period of time. I am walking lighter, have a bit more energy and hope (helping other possibilities emerge) that I have enough time left in this life to be ME.
Zari Ballard
March 7, 2017 at 1:57 pmHi Ann Mac,
You, my sister, are a TRUE SURVIVOR. Thank God for those who listened (nurses, staff) on the sly and understood what was happening to you…how this person (the narc) was tormenting and gas-lighting. I am grateful that you are free and your story is an inspiration for so many. Without a doubt, you have been to hell and back many, many times. Bless you and I wish you nothing but happiness in this world…..
Thank you so much for sharing and I welcome it any time….
Zari xoxo
Sarah
December 19, 2016 at 12:02 amI’m 21 (was 19) at the time I started this toxic relationship with this fellow and it’s incredible how completely soul crushing it is to be involved in a co-dependant, misery trap with individuals like this. I’m almost ashamed to admit I was only intertwined in the mind games for 9 months (in comparison to many of you all enduring years) but I wanted to share some of my experience for healing purposes.
These creatures are subhuman. Preying on the warmth and lightness in your character. Entirely devastating with their mind games and triangulation tactics.
“See! I told you she was crazy, look how she gets mad and says I can’t hangout with *Sabrina anymore” … After he obnoxiously flashes cheeky and knowing glances at his “friend” that he invites over, ’cause well he insists they’ve known eachother forever and they’re completely, in every way, shape and form just friends.
So… if you’re just friends why do you ridicule her character to me in private and tell me how permiscious she is? Why do you tell me she tried to kiss you a few years ago, but you turned her down? Why is she turning her head to the side and giggling while holding eye contact for an agonizing amount of time, while i’m standing right beside you?
I can feel by the rushed silence and shushes when i enter the room that you’ve already briefed your close confidantes about my supposed “jealousy issues.”
At this point I start to question everything. Reality starts to slip. I start to think “What if this is all in my head?” “What if i’m the problem?” Appetite diminished, the headache of anxious insomnia follows suit. What’s real? Is echoing throughout my mind as his control over my sanity grips ever so slightly tighter.
This is an excerpt from my journal, detailing my experiences with psychological and emotional abuse. I send my condolences to anyone, male or female who have suffered the inner turmoil delt to you by the hands of these type of people who gain nourishment for their egos on your suffering. Please note that if you had similar thoughts such as I did (as listed above) you are not alone. You are not “crazy.” You are not an overly jealous maniac. It’s all a game and you have to put your cards down and leave the table.
Lol sorry for the poker reference but, c’mon i’m trying not to leave on such a meloncholy note ?
Much love to you and your family’s
-S
*name changed
Zari Ballard
December 26, 2016 at 7:28 pmHi S,
Thank you for sharing a piece from your journal – I appreciate you! Whether it’s nine years or nine months, the pain can be just the same. YOU are NOT the crazy one, dear girl. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will completely understand the mindset…the what and why of HIM, the monster. And a monster he is. You are so, so young. I promise you that if you nip this in the bud now…kick his sorry ass to the curb…in a year from now, you will feel back to your old self and ready to live life. Learn from ALL OF US HERE and don’t re-live our mistakes. YOUR INTUITION IS ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. If you feel strange about a look or a glance or if he talks bad about a girl and then suddenly they are hanging out, it’s ALL WRONG. He is TRIANGULATING you to instill this jealousy. He WANTS to keep you on the edge of your seat because this alone will keep you in the queue. Do not stand for it!
I hope you had a good Christmas, girlfriend, under the circumstances. Start planning your new year without him being any part of it and be sure to write anytime. I am here to support you….
Zari xo
Alou
November 30, 2016 at 6:32 amHere’s one! He says “I don’t make you feel bad. People are responsible for their own feelings”. Well, I say people can make you feel good, (via a compliment, etc) so people can also make you feel bad. Which brings to mind, cheapskate thst he is, I don’t believe he ever paid a compliment, which is FREE ffs! What a dick.
Zari Ballard
December 2, 2016 at 7:40 pmHi Alou,
Mine said the same thing! It’s such a manipulative comment given that the narcissist INTENTIONALLY CONTROLS the state of the very feelings that he dismisses. This is how they avoid accountability. The narcissist may not have any sincere feelings of his own but he sure understands exactly how feelings work in the world of relationships. This is the entire con of the narcissist’s game. Yikes! It’s awful!
Zari:)
Zari Ballard
May 23, 2016 at 10:26 amHi Judy,
Thank you for leaving words of encouragement for others and I’m so sorry that you’ve been inundated with narcs all your life! I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many of these monsters walking the planet that we’re never going to know them off the bat. All we can hope for is to get away quicker each time as we recognize the signs. And as you say, we can’t control their behaviors but we CAN control our reactions. We have to know this. Our suffering changes nothing. Not a thing. The less time that we allow ourselves to suffer, the quicker we’ll move along.
I’m glad you come here, Judy! Stay strong and know that we’re here to support you:)
Zari xo
Aminata
October 18, 2016 at 11:14 pmHi zari I just want to say I have read your book when live is a lie and its blown me away as have been married to a narc now for 15 years but have suffered many times with the lies and cheating game I have two boys and after reading your book it’s made me realize I am not going mad as at one point the stress and gasligting sent me almost crazy and I’m a strong independent women so really struggled with it and ended up on antidepressants something I never thought I would of taken …..in fact it helped me take a step back and look at this monster and now I see all for what it is and have come off the tablets. I am still find it hard to get away as the NC rule is difficult due to having my boys and working nights hence he knows I need to have him their for them at night so I guess a bit more suffering till the time comes …I just live a life of silent treatment and when ever he can he wants to head off to his so called mates every weekend leaving me and boys as has no interest in us as a family and that’s what really does it for me ,also I asked myself the questions u mention in the book about if you died today what memories would my boys have and ur right they wouldn’t be all good when it comes to their father making their mother happy.also birthdays Xmas and holidays have all been ruined my husband is now building his own house abroad and has totally kept me and kids out of it but tells all his friends it’s a family house I really feel he is just sorting his future out and does not care for his boys future why did I get caught up in this ???? It’s axe me feel such a fool being sucked I to the games but now I don’t play as he wants but it’s still hell.thanks for your support through the book it’s helped a lot x
Zari Ballard
October 28, 2016 at 6:10 pmHi Aminata,
Stay strong, girl, and do what is best for you and your boys. You WILL survive without this man…I promise you. Don’t beat yourself up over anything. These people are very good at what they do. But DO plan for your escape. This life is to short to put up with this nonsense. Get on your feet and kick his ass to the curb when he least expects it.
Keep an eye on those memories. When I thought that about my son, it changed the whole picture.
Stays strong and I’m here to support you:)
Zari xoxo
Shoshannah
November 19, 2015 at 5:13 pmExactly, from the very beginning, even when everything was ‘good’, long before he started to show his true colors or even before I would ever think there might be any true colors, I had that – ‘a nagging suspicion of something sinister that we can’t quite put our finger on’. After the first time we got intimate, he didn’t call me for a month. Well, he didn’t have to. It was just a fling. But, as it hapenned when we were both abroad, I did expect at least a text asking if I came back home safely or something like that. Then, after the first time we actually slept with each other. he left my bed, said only: ‘do you think we should continue?’ and didn’t contact me for a week, until I did contacted him, as I just couldn’t stand it any longer. Not to mention that the sex was also… odd. Great – technically speaking (yes, his experience). But it was definitely the coldest, the most impersonal act I have ever experienced. I felt like a porn star or like a masturbation tool. It was very odd, as we’ve known each other for years. It wasn’t just some stranger who could f*ck me and then walk away with no explanation. It was my best friend, my supervisor, who I have treated like a father-master figure for years. I was explaining it all by either our difficult situation (it was an affair) or by his insecurities. But the fact is, I spend hours on the internet searching for answers, trying to make sense out of his behaviors. I was devastated. I was taking sedatives! – from the very begining, before he got to do anything wrong to me. Just like his behaviors, I was explaining my reactions either by our difficult situation or by MY insecurities. Instead, these were obvious red flags. I should have listened to my gut screaming.
Shoshannah
November 19, 2015 at 5:30 pmActually, when I think about it all… I have read so much within the past 6 months about those disorders and it sometimes scares me… for the more I know, the more I realise how dangerous this man is. He’s nothing to compare to many other narcissists that I have read about. He’s not like Mr. Big, he’s more like Ted Bundy (he has never killed anyone, as far as I’m concerned, he is a well situated intelligent man with no criminal record, but all the creepiness of him is more Ted Bundy-like than Mr Big-like). That’s how I think of him now… after all I saw and after all the knowledge I’ve gained. I am out for 6 months and I live in a different country. But I think I was some kind of a supply that he always wanted to lure in, he’s got divorced for me, I rejected his proposal, then I rejected him completely, I gave him a rather brutal discard (not proud, but you know how they drive you to the worst). Sometimes I am really worried about a possible revenge. Even though everything is rather quiet now, I am afraid that 6 months and just a few hundreds of kilometres would not be much for Ted Bundy. Sorry, I know this is off topic, just wanted to share. Maybe I’m paranoid, maybe I’ve read too much… but my gut still makes me anxious sometimes.
Trice
October 28, 2015 at 2:42 pmI am soooo happy I’ve come across this website!! The wealth of information is undoubtedly helpful! Thank you!! I have been so hurt by this evil son of a bitch! On October 25, I finally decided enough is enough after 2 years of being off and on. I hated the way he made me feel. I can no longer take the lies and the games. I’ve said I’m done before, but this time is for real and by the strength of GOD I PROMISE MYSELF TO NEVER GO BACK!!!! i always thought I was overreacting at times and he would swear it as all me and I was crazy but it’s really him!! You just don’t understand how I feel. I feel so angry and hurt and confused. I never want to see him again. I wish I could hurt him like he’s hurt me, I really do. I was so good to him (like we all were in relationships with the N). Ugh.
I’m just relieved to have all this information and to finally take the honest step in moving forward. Tired of lying to myself and being lied to. Thanks again for this website