A narcissist is a pathological liar who will lie about anything and everything for the sole purpose of gleefully watching you sift through the word garbage. He/she also lies even when the truth is a better story. This means that he’ll lie about which super market he shopped at, where he stopped for gas, the hours he worked and what days he has off. He’ll lie about his past, his future, his family, and his exes. He’ll lie about his intentions towards everything – big or small – and he’ll tell you he loves you when he loves nothing at all.
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The narcissist lies by making things up and also by leaving things out – and he/she does it all in amazing detail. Some believe the N lies because he actually believes the lie but I disagree. I think that a narcissist lies (all the time) because it’s an easy way to devastate the recipient and because lying allows the narcissist/sociopath to recreate himself at will (and on a whim), thus creating an environment where he can always be giving himself props for getting away with something. To a narcissist, lying – just like the faking of emotions – is means to an end. He’ll lie so much about so many things that your head will spin. You become so fucking tired from sifting through his word-garbage for a speck of truth that you opt for the lesser of two evils – believing the lie. Sure, it’s the easy way out and exactly what the narcissistic partner wants but the alternative is even worse.
Narcissists and sociopaths live and breathe by a pathological relationship agenda from which they will never waiver – even if it takes years. And don’t you forget it.
I was thinking about my ex today and about all of the incredible lies he told me. I remember how, as the years passed, I could see this particular talent of his blossoming right before my very eyes. For example, to practice the art of pathological lying (I assume), he would tell at least one lie every day while, at the same time, deliberately leaving evidence of the truth – such as a store receipt – in plain view where I could find it. How crazy is that? Whatever I would find would almost always contradict what he had told me. And, because I simply couldn’t help myself, I’d have to address it and the ensuing conversations would go something like this:
Me: Where did you say you bought that book?
W: What book?
Me: The book you bought yesterday…the one about making guitars.
W: I don’t know…why?
Me: I’m just asking a simple question, that’s all. I thought you said you bought it at Bookmans.
W: Then that’s where I bought I it. What are you getting at?
Me: The receipt says Barnes & Nobles.
W: So? What’s the big deal? What are you accusing me of now?
Me: Well, it isn’t a big deal and I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just curious why you made a point of saying Bookman’s when obviously you were at Barnes & Nobles.
W: Jesus Christ! What’s the fucking difference? Why does it matter?
Me: It doesn’t matter! I just don’t get why you would deliberately lie about something so stupid?
W: Oh please…I’m so sick of this…What are you doing? Snooping around my receipts now?
Me: I wasn’t snooping, Wayne, it was right here on the counter.
W: Then obviously I wasn’t trying to hide anything! Could we get past this please?
Word garbage! Sure, we’re talking little lies here but a narcissist’s little lies are many – and they’re all intentional. When we feed into this nonsense, what are we really hoping to find? The truth? We already know what the truth is yet we become hellbent on hearing it from him (as if, by some miracle, that would ever happen). If we really wanted the truth, we need not look any further than the lie itself and therein lies all the justification we need for walking away. No human being on the planet should have to deal with all the lies that we deal with in just this one relationship! Why the hell do we put up with that? Why the hell do you put up with that? And how the hell does he keep getting away with it?
Long ago, based on my own experiences, I determined that the act of pathologically lying is nothing short of a deliberate narcissistic/sociopathic strategy for getting away with all the crap that a narcissist needs to get away with day to day. It isn’t a symptom of his disorder – it’s downright intentional! To tell a white lie here and there and only when absolutely necessary would do a narcissist no good because he is always up to no good and, therefore, it’s necessary to lie all the time. In a narcissist’s mind, the decision to lie as much as possible – if not all the time – is a no-brainer because it eliminates the possibility of him having to think too hard about lying specifically. He must create plausible denial every day, all day, and by honing his skills as a pathological liar, all bases are clearly covered. And although he may be slightly concerned about getting caught, he’s only concerned about the inconvenience it may cause for those first five or ten minutes just prior to him having to initiate a silent treatment and disappear into thin air. The fact that his/her lies have the potential to – and often do – cause great pain and suffering for the people around him (and particularly, his partner) doesn’t even enter into the equation.
So, the joke often told on narcissist recovery sites “How do you know a narcissist is lying? Because his mouth his open!” is about as true of a statement as anyone can make about a narcissistic partner. Everything he does, everything he says, all those ludicrous narcissistic behaviors that we ignore…all of that is based on the premise that he is, by choice, a pathological liar. Consequently, we can, if we so choose, spin ourselves silly trying to unscramble the narcissist’s mixed messages but it won’t give us anything better than what we’ve already got. In other words, it will never get better than the bad that we have already have!
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When our partner is a narcissist, we are constantly trying to figure out why and there’s no need. We know the answer. By being a narcissist’s enabler…by choosing to question his nonsense and then BELIEVE IT, we become a quasi-participant in the trauma bonding and fairly responsible for setting up the cognitive dissonance and uncertainty that will surely come later. We undermine our own intelligence! Just because we don’t like the truth doesn’t make it any less true! And that’s okay – we don’t have to like it. But, in order to be free, we do have to accept it as well as all the pain that comes with it. The good news is that, while the answer may be permanent, the pain that we feel is not. It will go away but not by avoiding it and only after we allow ourselves to feel it.
Be good to yourself, my friends, and don’t cut yourself short (God knows the narcissist does enough of that). Acceptance will save you hours of suffering time and, believe me, letting go of the narcissist will add years to your life. Stop sifting through the narcissist’s word garbage for specs of truth when his pathological lie is the only truth you need.
linda Robarge
May 16, 2016 at 5:16 pmOh my God, Do we know someone like that?It’s unbelievable the torture and torment he put my daughter through in the 5 years they were together.He alienated her from her family and friends.If we had gatherings they would show up for maybe an hour, and lord forbid it looked like she was having a good time because that meant it was time to leave.He was so phony and fake it makes me sick now to think we ever accepted him into the family.When others were noticing things first and bringing it to our attention, we’d just bite the bullet for my daughter’s sake.Big mistake!!He belittled her and emotionally abused her to the point where she tried to take her own life.She had suffered with depression for many years and with medication it was under control, but with him in her life all the medication in the world couldn’t help.When she ended up hospitalized is when she finally left him.But he took their daughter and to this day still has her, after all when your brought into court and it’s said you tried taking your own life, well needless to say my daughter had no leg to stand on even with a lawyer.He got physical custody.So I could go on and on but she is better today.She goes to counseling weekly, she’s on medication, she attends workshops, etc.She sees her daughter weekly but it’s strictly according to the agreement she signed in court.No extras, no nothing.If she suggest something that has to do with their daughter it’s an automatic no.He has the control which he loves, he also loves making her pay for leaving him.The story out there about what happened is all lies,he has everyone believing he’s the one who was hurt, he did nothing,he did all he could for her and her other 2 children.That is all lies!!He did nothing for her 2 children other than tell them when they did things wrong .Didn’t really pay much attention to them and especially when their baby was born.Everything was about his daughter, no one else although he would never watch his daughter.Or ever change her diaper, the first 3 years of her life my daughter did everything, and that got her nothing.He has custody which he always threatened her with taking their daughter, and he did just that.He takes no responsibility for what he drove my daughter to do, none!!He is the true meaning of a “Narcissistic Pathological Liar”
Howard
June 24, 2016 at 10:48 pmHaving suffered dreadfully from a long-term relationship with a narcissistic, pathological liar, I think your descriptions are good so far as they go. But I think these people, who certainly incite no pity from me, are actually extremely vulnerable, and that vulnerability drives them as much or more than anything. For example, in my relationship (on and off for 16 years), every time I broke up or threatened to break up with this sick girl, she went into full panic mode and swore undying love/allegiance/fidelity to me. Why? Because the idea that someone would throw her away was the most dangerous thing that could happen to her fantastical illusions of being the most special snowflake in the entire world. There was a real threat to her very existence when I threatened to leave her; that threat must also have been present from day-to-day and motivated a thousand small lies that tended to present her as a very special person, and a few hundred humongous lies designed to keep me from finding out things like she was cheating on me constantly and she had no real friends. Someone asked in another comment, what can you do do bring an N down? I think you can bring them down. Call their bluff. Tell them you see through their lies and think they are losers. Tell them everyone around them knows they’re liars and losers, which is why they have no true friends. And then break off your relationship with them totally. This will cut so deep into their narcissistic core that you should watch out for blowback, and it won’t cure or convert them … but it will hurt them and it will tend to keep them away from you in the future (again, watching out for attempts at revenge if you’re dealing with someone with sociopathic tendencies, which are not uncommonly linked with pathological lying, narcissistic tendencies).
Dee
May 13, 2016 at 10:12 pmIt’s about 1:00 a.m. and as I am reading about the narcissist and comments from others my heart is racing. I felt so alone until now. I am living this life with a narcissist! It’s so hard to explain it to anyone! He knows how to “put on a show” when around other people! I am married nearly 25 years and he has gotten worse over time to the point that I can’t go on like this too much longer. I try to ignore it because of my two children (20 and 23) who live at home and are suffering emotionally because of his actions. He has never had a relationship with them and I am treated more like a servant than a partner. I hope I have the inner strength to someday move on and find happiness for my children and myself.
Zari Ballard
May 14, 2016 at 2:02 amHi Dee,
I remember sitting at night until the wee hours reading… just like you. It’s a shocker and, at the same time, it’s a relief to know that we’re not alone. I too hope that you find the strength to leave…God knows that you deserve it. 25 years is far too long to put up with the nightmare. Maybe you should take the girls and run….or kick him out. Get a strategy now because another year will go by in the blink of an eye…
Be strong and keep reading and learning. I’m here to support you….recovery is a team effort:)
Zari xo
rose
March 21, 2016 at 12:12 amawesome.great to find this.i want to find ppeople i can bond while dealing with the dilemma
Brenda
February 24, 2016 at 6:49 amSomeone above asked who knows what’s going on in their minds. Well, my narc left his 4th step from being in AA 20 years ago. Jere gors: They only care about themselves and their feelings. What they can get from you. They do not care about your feelings. They do not know what love is. They are in love with love and feeling good. The rush ends and they need a fresh new supply. Usually more than one at a time. They like the drama. They like chaos. They project their stuff onto you calling you the drama, controlling, selfish, cheating, lying one when they are doing it. Honest and empathetic relations are impossible so they get their way through manipulation – if that doesn’t work then on comes the intimidation, bullying and threats…they cannot change. You are not the problem. Get out. Dump them. Show no emotion and move on. To reason with them is to open yourself up to crazy making that will make your head spin. Because that’s what they do – spin the truth. Yes, they like to leave clues for you to find. It’s all a game to them. And they are always right in their eyes. If you point out differently, you will pay. I read someone say – get to where you can laugh at their games. That is a good place to be.
We must take their ‘power’ away. Don’t react. Don’t care. Pray to become indifferent to them and then you will be free.
Zari Ballard
March 1, 2016 at 7:12 pmHi Brenda,
That about says it all. You summed up my whole blog in that one paragraph! Well said…..
Zari xo
Katie
April 22, 2016 at 7:35 pmThank you for all the great insight! It teally helps me to make sense of it all and to stop trying to reason with my soon to be ex-husband. And I am the one being called unreasonable – Ha! Just need be strong, calm, confident and businesslike. I have a question. We have two teenage children. I am trying to shield them from our conflict and I vow not to talk negatively about their father. But how do I deal with him making promises to them and then not following through? I know I shouldn’t get in the middle of their relationship but I feel I need to explain him to them somehow.
Zari Ballard
April 30, 2016 at 1:31 amHi Katie,
Co-parenting with a narc is the worst. You are doing the right thing about staying silent about HIM to the kids no matter what HE is saying. They will remember that down the road, trust me. As for the broken promises, all you can do is have a back-up plan in your head for that day in case you have to soften the blow. The way I see it, you HAVE to get in the middle of that…when he blows them off…and the best way to do it is to say…”Nope, I guess it’s not working out with dad again today. You know how he is. How about we go to…..”. Kids should never have to sit around sad when they get blown off by the narc and you’re the only one who can fix that. It’s not fair, to be sure, but down the road, the memories that YOU make with the kids are going to be the only ones that they member growing up…so you have to make the best of it. I hate narcs…they can’t love their children anymore than they can love their partners.
Best of luck, mom…..you rock!
Zari xo
Lady L
December 11, 2015 at 11:13 pmZari, I forgot to mention to you something, it is funny. I had ordered your book “When Love Is A Lie”, kindle version, July 2014. This is around the time I started to figure out what was going on in our relationship, but this is the funny part, I read it, then ended up deleting it, because I was doubting my self and he was using the “honeymoon” faze on me reeling me back in. I just reorded it again last night and also ordered your workbook “Breath and Stop Spinning. Thank you for using the pain you experienced in life to help others, and help me.
Zari Ballard
December 13, 2015 at 6:21 amHi Lady L,
LOL…I’m so glad that you’ll get a chance to read it again! The more we know…the more we educate and share with each other, the better. Recovery is a team effort:)
Stay strong!
Zari xo
Lady L
December 11, 2015 at 11:03 pmFirst I wanted to start by saying thank you Zari and everyone that has posted to this website, your stories have helped in so many ways. My story begins 2 years ago, when I met him, he swept me off of my feet with his charm (which I now know is called “grooming”), he told me how smart I was, how pretty and the list goes on. He bought me clothes, took me out to very exspensive resturants, bought me other gifts. Of course I was caught up in all the excitement that I had met a man with money, who wanted to spend it on me, to see that I would be paying for it all,with alot of pain and disappointments. About a month into our relationship I started to feel things were not right, but I just could not figure out what, so I shrugged it off as being paranoid. His charm however started to get old fast, I started to feel he was very fake.Then this gut feeling that he was messing around with other women, just would not stop haunting my mind, so being I thought he was a normal guy, I asked him if he was fooling around with someone else, he told me no every time I had asked. But I just could not shake the feeling and by the 3rd month, he was walking with me in the park one afternoon and says so matter of fact,like he was ordering a burger and fries, he says to me, “I think we should stop having sex during the week”, with no emotion or real good reason. I asked again if he was seeing someone,he just laughed it off and said no again. Well I thought what a strange thing for him to say to me, especially when we had just met and were getting along so well. Because of this I secretly recorded him in his home while I was at work, and caught him talking to another women on the phone, flirting with her, telling her all kinds of things, and mentioning that he probably would not stay with me, that we were not working out because I was “Weird” as he put it. I did several recording and caught many other lies, he even mocked me behind my back to his friends on the phone, when we had fights and I apologized to him. Just recently his exgirlfriend called, he told her they would talk again real soon, I had asked why he told her that, he claims that he just said that to get her off the phone, well the very next morning I caught him talking to her again, and again he ended the call with claiming they would talk again soon,he does not know I know about this call. Our sex life is all but non existent, after his announcement of no more weekly sex, we only had sex on the weekends, then every other weekend, then every two weekends, to once a month, and now it is going on 7 months and he does not even try with me.Throughout our realationship he has rejected me time and time again, We now live together or rather I live in house, he convinced me to quit my job so that we could travel together and spend more time together, so I did, and we hardly go on trips and he is always in his office working, and ignoring me most of the time. I finally told him, I wanted to go back to work, he told me that if I do, that I must sign every dime of my checks over to him, to pay all the bills. He does not even need help paying the bills, he makes very good income, we live a upper middle class lifestyle, I told him no, he is not getting my money. After coming to this site and reading articles and reading posts, I found out what I am dealing with, I don’t even know who I live with, I have many more things, at which I cannot add because the list is exhaustive at best. My friend is helping me move out soon, I am done and moving on.
Zari Ballard
December 13, 2015 at 6:31 amHi Lady L,
That is a very sad story and I hope to God that you get out of that house FAST. He is a piece of shit and doesn’t deserve to have you sharing his space. Based on those recordings (which told you everything you needed to know), you had to have known that nothing would change if you moved in. Now, I hope, you’ve accepted that NOTHING will change EVER and that moving out is the only way that you’ll ever have a decent life. Money is fun and all and, sure, a narcissist with money can be a blast at times (many, many ladies on here have suffered a Mr. Big!) but you only have one chance at one life and only you can make that happen.
Re-read the books and all of the articles here and stay focused. MOVE OUT as fast as you can…you have no other option and it will be a new and better beginning. Please let me know what happens…I’m here to support you…..
Zari xo
m
December 7, 2015 at 9:03 amZari-
Your blogs, comments, articles are right on! you’ve bn through it so you get it, as we all read, post there is the common thread—
Liars, Fake, Users, Ego, Hollow, Insecure, Cheaters, NO Remorse, period…
they drink, they don’t drink. they like country music, they don’t. they likike blondes, they don’t. they like drugs, they don’t. they dnt like trashy, girls, they do. they love you, they don’t. the List goes on!
IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE SUPPLY AT THE TIME, PERIOD…..
They have no Identity, constant supply to meet their needs, Revolving Door they are, period….
7years ex bf NARC, I set boundries, ddnt nag, just observed. They do like Drama, Chaos, THATS their life, period….
They never stray from their pattern, Never
just mke some adjustments w/ea supply!!!!
Guys Don’t lie, girls don’t listen, fact…
NARCS are better at the game, its a game…
I’m recovering slowly, going thru it, letting the toxicity leave my body…its work yes
One thing I’m proud of I ddnt do anything crazy, excessive trxts, calls, bombard him, bash him, stalk him, I did my pain in private. To him No it dsnt matter, I’m glad I saved some dignity for me, others of his clan? they gave him what he wanted a reaction…
the smug treatment&just mvng on was enough for me, how dare you F*****!
I know what went on, an I was dam classy&fabulous…
My view on men, life, relationships, giving is much different perspective FRM now on
I wont go against my gut, ignore red flags, overdo no more….
I maintain who I am, I WONT settle.
Most don’t want to be alone, I don’t but I am for now, I’m dng my work, re-training my brain.
I’m in counseling, N/C 34 days( after the Hoovering just 4mos ago) I’ve blocked him, deleted his messages, gott rid of most of our memorabilia…
I accept it over, I accept his choice to blindside me, I accept hell nvr change..
he’s not happy, he’s not miraculously wonderful to his supply’s!!!!!
they use to gain, fake like they’ve done it all on their own
lightbulb will hit EVRYBODY gng thru this,
YOULL see them in a diff light…
age isn’t a factor, wre both in mid-40’s
its abt you, the new you!!!
thres a teeeny part of all of us that will be wtf??? w/NARC…
strength!!! Re-train your brain…
Ty to EVRYBODY for these sites&info
to help validate this&heal!!!!
Zari – your bluntness I love
😉
Zari Ballard
December 7, 2015 at 6:53 pmThanks, m! I’m always glad to see you:) Keep it up…I love your inspiration and motivation…
Zari xo