When we dump a narcissist or a narcissist dumps us, one of the first things that they do (to make themselves feel better) is embark on a smear campaign. Somehow, running a smear campaign provides the narcissist justification as to why we were never worthy of their presence to begin with. By talking smack around town about the discarded partner…by getting “the word out” about how horrible the ex is…the N feels pumped up and vindicated about however the relationship came to an end.
Most of us who’ve been involved with a narcissist have experienced being the target of a smear campaign at one time or another. It might even be that, with a break-up on the horizon, you’re worried in advance of what you already know will certainly be one. After all, breaking up with a narcissist isn’t exactly like any other break-up or divorce on the planet. If there are mutual friends, co-workers, or children involved, there will always be radioactive fallout but it’s not nearly as scary as it appears to be. In fact, by making one amazingly simple switch within our reaction to it, we can all but instantly change the dynamic of the smear itself. The key, my friends, is to say NOTHING at all…not a single world…and, believe me, there will be power in your silence.
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Naturally, when someone is talking shit about us to others, our first reaction is to want to defend ourselves. In many situations, of course, defending ourselves is the right thing to do but when the person talking smack about us is our narcissistic ex, I have found that silence on our part is the absolute – and only – way to beat him at his own game. In fact, I discovered that our silence during the smear campaign exposes him for the asshole that he really is. Our silence actually creates plausible denial in the smear, ultimately causing the truth to prevail.
The fact is that WE DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST DOUCHEBAGS. We just don’t. The fact is that a narcissist will talk bad about us to everyone anyway– his family, our family, our kids, mutual friends, co-workers – and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it. The smear campaign is one of the oldest narcissistic tricks in the book. Sure, we can run around behind him doing damage control or talking smack back but we’re dealing with a narcissist here and he will use our defensive reaction as proof that we are exactly as he describes. This is what he is counting on. This is, in fact, a narcissist’s end game throughout the entire relationship!
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I’m here to tell you that, throughout all of the N’s smearing during and after the relationship, all we ever have to do is be quiet and be normal and the N will quickly end up looking like the piece of shit that he is. Yes, it is hard to do but – OMG – the rewards are amazing and they come quickly. This strategy works, by the way, even with narcissists that are well liked and even loved in the community. It always works.
Think about the scenario objectively. Imagine that you’re part of a group and one of the couples that you know is in a tumultuous relationship. Together or apart, they’re always causing drama and within the group, everyone is annoyed. So, the couple finally breaks up and now you start seeing them each separately. You notice that the guy does NOTHING but talk shit about his ex for hours on end but when you see her, she says nothing about him at all. She doesn’t even talk – or want to talk – about the break-up. She just mingles with the group like she always has. It’s awkward at first because her ex is like the elephant in the room, having said some horrible things about her…but everyone soon gets over that. As time passes, who is going to look more favorable in your eyes? The person who talks all kind of smack about the ex or the the ex that is normal and nice and never even mentions the other one? The answer is obvious. I’m serious, even if the one half is spewing word garbage week after week that his ex is a murderer, the fact that she never utters his name and is as sweet as can be whenever you see her is going to cast doubt on everything he says. It creates plausible denial in her favor and, again, it always works! Eventually, he will have to stop talking.
Wayne – the ex of my book When Love Is a Lie – was a shit talker. It didn’t matter if we were together or broken up or where he was when he did it, if there were people within earshot that knew me or knew of me, he happily talked shit about me. Throughout it all, I said not a word. In fact, I was so silent about him, that most people who knew both of us weren’t sure if we were really even together. One couple pulled me aside and asked if I knew who he was!! Here’s Wayne talking crap about me to a group of people that we both know and they’re all thinking Holy Crap, does Zari even know this guy? She never even mentions him! Because of my silence, when the relationship was really over, these friends automatically gravitated towards me and they had been HIS friends to begin with. As a narcissist knows, silence can be very powerful. Ha-ha!
Was it hurtful to know that my ex never had a nice thing to say about me behind my back? Of course it was. It devastated me. Did I feel embarrassed sometimes to be around people KNOWING what he must be saying when I’m not there? Of course I did. But the truth is this: people really don’t want to hear about your drama and they will WELCOME your silence. We imagine that people hang on the narcissist’s every word but this just isn’t true. No one loves the narcissist unconditionally like we foolishly did. No one! The narcissist, if you allow him to talk unfettered, will eventually alienate the world. Everything he says inevitably goes out the window.
This strategy is foolproof…and why? Because in the end, the truth really does prevail and our silence allows it to happen. People aren’t stupid and not everyone buys into the narcissist’s shit. We only think they do because we’re the target. I don’t care WHAT he is saying about you or how awful it is…just stay silent! This means when daddy is talking smack about mommy to the kids, mommy, although she wants to, does not reciprocate. The kids will figure it out and so will everyone else – and all without you ever saying a word in your defense. In this case, silence is a foolproof solution to a very big problem and you will have finally beaten the narcissist at one of his own fucking games.
Has your narcissist subjected you to a smear campaign? Let me know in the comment section!
Rachael
April 14, 2017 at 10:04 pmHow do I effectively support someone whose ex narc husband is doing a smear campaign and my client believes he is out to destroy her. He may be actually doing a smear campaign, I am not sure, but this is her reality and it is causing great distress. Because she has trauma perceptions could be distorted. And, we do know that narcs do smear campaigns.
So how do I effectively support someone who believes there is a smear campaign occurring? Client is not in the place to hear that he is targeting her unhealed wounds and that on a vibrational level she is contributing to this reality. So how do I validate her reality and help her through this challenging time without sounding trite? I keep reminding her to keep working on her healing but I don’t think this is enough in the way of support. Also, she still has to see him because they have kids. Finally, anything I say to try and support seems to make her more upset and angry and her response is “you don’t understand, he is the worst of the worst, a covert, malignant narc” as she is crying. Thank you for any input you can provide! I don’t know that suggesting staying silent would be effective, I just don’t think she will take it in because this is causing her so much distress.
Zari Ballard
April 25, 2017 at 3:48 pmHi Rachael,
I apologize for the delay in responding. You didn’t state what type of “client” this person is and how you are trying to help her. If you are trying to heal her in a spiritual way, she may not be ready for that. If he is indeed a full-on narc, then she probably IS dealing with a smear campaign. However, the best way to deal with it IS to stay silent. There’s no way to defend oneself against the smear except to not engage…it automatically puts the targeted person in a better light. This type of counseling, however, may not be your specialty and that’s perfectly okay. She shouldn’t expect you to understand it fully if this is not what you do. I find it very admirable that you are seeking ways to help her through it…it shows that you truly care.
I coach people all the time via phone consultations and I’m telling you that there is NO easy fix. It takes a lot of work to get to a place of peace where the narc can not hurt you. Although I am sure that she has already been reading and studying the hurtful behaviors, you should tell her that you are trying to heal her in a different way (if you are…I do not know). I deal with the co-parenting situation everyday in conversations and there ARE strategies for dealing with it and keeping your sanity but she has to be willing to try. All you can do is tell her that you’ve been researching her issues and trying to help. Send her my way or to this website. In the end, you just may have to say that she’s not being proactive and allowing you to do your work. There is no magical answer…it’s all about the passing of time and changing our perspective of what has happened.
Best of luck to you, sister:)
Zari xo
Iman
April 7, 2017 at 5:20 amDear Zari,
My Name Iman, now i am in Jakarta, Indonesia.
i am afraid all my communication will be intercept, abuse and sabotage. I am like hopeless now.
I have been a target from someone that i knew 9 years ago, i just know now that she doesn’t have empathy. Until now i have been abuse all the time, i cannot report to police or anybody because she is very clever. I cannot show the prove. she can play in the grey area.
Any one must be never talk about me (she play ‘please do not tell act’). I am afraid it will be boomerang to me, or twist the story that I am predator and she only a victim. In my country usually woman get domestic violence, so when I defense myself, no one trust me. In most people mind, woman usually a victim not a predator. That is way I fell always hopeless. She is expert play with our logic, Expert of reading people/what people will react after her social setting and Pathological liar.
In my opinion she also have ability power and money. So she can convince (too good to be true story) everyone to abuse me. She want to destroy my mental, career and human relationship. All my email account, phone, social media, message, anything can be intercept. I am not sure this email can be intercept too.
She always smear/black campaign/character assassination, defamation, play victim, drama, gossip, rumor about me, all my defense word can be twist and like boomerang that can attack me again, like say i am the mentally unstable/crazy one, have an infectious disease, addict to drug or have criminal record, terrorist, etc. I also have attention to detail to everything so that is easy to spread the rumor. She also has steal many data (video/sound record/photo etc.) of my privacy and my politic opinion and will be spread out to convince everyone, so politic person will attack and humiliate me. I have pace many manipulation situation using people surrounding me that exhaust my commonsense. Usually after abuse she always convince people that it is a joke. I also afraid she has ability to kill me but looks like an accident.
Every time i search for the job, somehow every employer canceled my contract because smear campaign without prove based. So i cannot search job to abroad, because somehow it will fail. Luckily I still can stay in my current job, but outside that, my life full of abuse and sabotage. Now i live in constant fear there is no sign it will be end. Now i have little anxiety and fear/phobia to meet people in public are. But i hope it will recover soon if it is over.
In my opinion she also has ability to track people from people signal phone. she has privilege and easy to get it. So she will easy to send chain message to spread the rumor. I am like in an isolation area. Many people surrounding me has bad assumption about me, but they never tell the true.
Yes i had have mistake, sometime i defend my self, after i read your article, i will be silent.
She always stalking/smear me Silently/secretly/indirectly etc, with her technology ability and convince people, so she will know what I am doing almost every time at any place and it will be abuse or sabotage.
Iman
Zari Ballard
April 16, 2017 at 2:44 amHi Iman,
I’m sorry that it took me so long to respond and I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope for you that it is over, my friend, so that you can go on in your life. I know that the smearing is tough, female narcs are so good at it, but the best thing is to stay silent and do not try to defend yourself to others. Think about how you feel when you see someone bad-mouthing another. This is what she looks like to others even if they don’t say anything, do you know what I mean? To me, when we try to defend ourselves, the words never come out right. So it’s best to let them talk and spew their dirt. In the end all that matters is that you are free.
I wish you all the best. Try to read all of the articles here because they will help you cope and to know that you are not alone. Write here anytime, my friend!
Zari:)
tara tann
March 14, 2017 at 1:02 amHi Zara. My brother is currently the victim of his wife’s smear campaign and I am having to watch him suffer which is awful. She has made a discusting lie about what he’s done to her and police are involved . When. That wasn’t enough she then made one of the children lie to say he has hit them which is also lies. I guess she didn’t want to share them. All this camera completely out of the blue and my brother had no incling of it coming at all. I have done a testament to police and social services as has my brothers ex partner to try and support the fact she is mentally I’ll. But from what I see narcissist personality disorder is so hard to diagnose. My brother has a solicitor on the case for contact as he now hasn’t seen his children for three weeks. He has never even been away for a night from them before. So far she has ensured he’s lost his home and possibly access to kids and job if the police beleive her. There’s no evidence anywhere to suggest they were in a violent relationship and as police have her phone I hope they will see this. We have all remained silent but it is very very hard!!!! She has posted stuff on Facebook too.
He is living with me at the moment and I have to watch this pain she is causing him it’s just devastating. I just hope the professionals can see through it somehow. For the record my brother has many professional people willing to testify if need be including a police Sargent. Be grateful for any advice or positive stories!!
Tara
Zari Ballard
March 24, 2017 at 10:26 pmHi Tara,
I apologize for the delay in responding. It sounds as if your brother is having a very difficult time but I’m glad that he has so much support. I have to take issue, though, with one comment that you mention and that is about the ex being mentally ill. Narcissism is not a mental illness…it is a personality disorder and there is a huge difference. I also have to say that I don’t believe for a minute that your brother never saw anything coming. If she is indeed narcissistic, he would have known long ago that there have been problems. I’d have to know more of the story but did he have a good relationship with his children? Who exactly did the mother make the kids lie to? Is he forbidden by the courts to see them? Did she kick him out? Or did the cops remove him after the incident? Usually, the police have to have some kind of proof, bruises or whatever, before they just up and take someone to jail so again I’d need to know more. Are they in the middle of a divorce?
It appears that your brother has a lot of support so if the truth is on his side then he doesn’t have a lot to worry about. Unless the courts have forbidden him to see the children, if he is paying child support or working it out, he should have no problem getting visitation. I wouldn’t push the “mentally ill” part…she is the children’s mother…and this would need a doctor’s diagnosis. In court, to have an entire family of the father saying the mother is mentally ill may not be beneficial to your brother. Again, narcissism is not a mental illness by anyone’s definition..especially the courts. Often the best way to handle a smear campaign based on no facts is to say nothing. It automatically puts the quiet partner in the better light.
Zari:)
Sandra
December 3, 2016 at 2:22 amWhen it’s been over a year and it’s still goes on trying to make me lose my job is pretty annoying
EmmaFrancis
January 3, 2017 at 9:23 amNot working well for me either, 3 years and the narc is still at it. Although I lost it a few months ago, so I guess I am partly to blame.
Callie
November 1, 2016 at 4:25 pmThank you for this information as to how to deal with a smear campaign. I am dealing with this at the moment and have been very upset today by the blatant lies he is telling his family, then I get criticism from them. This is despite the emotional, sexual and financial abuse I have suffered over the years, most of which they are aware of. I tried to defend myself today but I think I will try staying silent in future. I cannot have another day like today when I let it get to me so much.
Nancy Arensdorf
October 29, 2016 at 6:43 pmI got entangled with a narcissist 2 years ago but at the time I thought of him as a young kid with a big crush on me. He said a couple of vulgar things to me and watched and stared at me at every opportunity. I stopped talking to him and he never asked why. Forward to last month, when I asked for help for something simple at work and to meet me at my cubicle at a certain time. He decided to be with one of his so-called girlfriends. I let off steam on my own facebook page but didn’t mention his or her name. A coworker read my post and told me to take it down, unfortunately he showed the post to ‘N’ The following week I found out that ‘N’ & a male friend took this to HR. I wasn’t brought into HR or my supervisor’s office but was talked to by a member of my Union. A coworker and friend told me to keep quiet and not to bring it up. From that point ‘N’ has yelled insults at his so-called girlfriend and trained her to do most of his jobs so he can strut around the office and do nothing. It made me feel good to know that through this I have found I have more friends and he has more enemies.
Zari Ballard
October 29, 2016 at 11:33 pmHi Nancy,
I’m glad that you feel you have more friends but how is that so given that you were the one who apparently got into trouble? You have co-workers reading your posts, telling you to take them down and keep quiet, showing them to the N who then, along with another co-worker, took it to HR which in turn caused you to get spoken to by the Union. Wtf? Sounds like you are getting a raw deal. Just sayin’.
Zari:)
Talcarey
September 29, 2016 at 1:30 pmI am looking for smear campaign and I came across your site.I will remain silent it’s his friends anyway. I just want him to leave ,he thinks my apartment is his.I will just have to b e patient.
Zari Ballard
September 30, 2016 at 6:52 pmHi Talcarey,
Yes, be patient and silent. The reward will be that you – even to his friends (even though they won’t admit it) – will emerge as the sane one. As a response to the smear campaign, our silence works pretty much every single time.
Stay strong!
Zari xo