When we dump a narcissist or a narcissist dumps us, one of the first things that they do (to make themselves feel better) is embark on a smear campaign. Somehow, running a smear campaign provides the narcissist justification as to why we were never worthy of their presence to begin with. By talking smack around town about the discarded partner…by getting “the word out” about how horrible the ex is…the N feels pumped up and vindicated about however the relationship came to an end.
Most of us who’ve been involved with a narcissist have experienced being the target of a smear campaign at one time or another. It might even be that, with a break-up on the horizon, you’re worried in advance of what you already know will certainly be one. After all, breaking up with a narcissist isn’t exactly like any other break-up or divorce on the planet. If there are mutual friends, co-workers, or children involved, there will always be radioactive fallout but it’s not nearly as scary as it appears to be. In fact, by making one amazingly simple switch within our reaction to it, we can all but instantly change the dynamic of the smear itself. The key, my friends, is to say NOTHING at all…not a single world…and, believe me, there will be power in your silence.
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Naturally, when someone is talking shit about us to others, our first reaction is to want to defend ourselves. In many situations, of course, defending ourselves is the right thing to do but when the person talking smack about us is our narcissistic ex, I have found that silence on our part is the absolute – and only – way to beat him at his own game. In fact, I discovered that our silence during the smear campaign exposes him for the asshole that he really is. Our silence actually creates plausible denial in the smear, ultimately causing the truth to prevail.
The fact is that WE DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST DOUCHEBAGS. We just don’t. The fact is that a narcissist will talk bad about us to everyone anyway– his family, our family, our kids, mutual friends, co-workers – and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it. The smear campaign is one of the oldest narcissistic tricks in the book. Sure, we can run around behind him doing damage control or talking smack back but we’re dealing with a narcissist here and he will use our defensive reaction as proof that we are exactly as he describes. This is what he is counting on. This is, in fact, a narcissist’s end game throughout the entire relationship!
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I’m here to tell you that, throughout all of the N’s smearing during and after the relationship, all we ever have to do is be quiet and be normal and the N will quickly end up looking like the piece of shit that he is. Yes, it is hard to do but – OMG – the rewards are amazing and they come quickly. This strategy works, by the way, even with narcissists that are well liked and even loved in the community. It always works.
Think about the scenario objectively. Imagine that you’re part of a group and one of the couples that you know is in a tumultuous relationship. Together or apart, they’re always causing drama and within the group, everyone is annoyed. So, the couple finally breaks up and now you start seeing them each separately. You notice that the guy does NOTHING but talk shit about his ex for hours on end but when you see her, she says nothing about him at all. She doesn’t even talk – or want to talk – about the break-up. She just mingles with the group like she always has. It’s awkward at first because her ex is like the elephant in the room, having said some horrible things about her…but everyone soon gets over that. As time passes, who is going to look more favorable in your eyes? The person who talks all kind of smack about the ex or the the ex that is normal and nice and never even mentions the other one? The answer is obvious. I’m serious, even if the one half is spewing word garbage week after week that his ex is a murderer, the fact that she never utters his name and is as sweet as can be whenever you see her is going to cast doubt on everything he says. It creates plausible denial in her favor and, again, it always works! Eventually, he will have to stop talking.
Wayne – the ex of my book When Love Is a Lie – was a shit talker. It didn’t matter if we were together or broken up or where he was when he did it, if there were people within earshot that knew me or knew of me, he happily talked shit about me. Throughout it all, I said not a word. In fact, I was so silent about him, that most people who knew both of us weren’t sure if we were really even together. One couple pulled me aside and asked if I knew who he was!! Here’s Wayne talking crap about me to a group of people that we both know and they’re all thinking Holy Crap, does Zari even know this guy? She never even mentions him! Because of my silence, when the relationship was really over, these friends automatically gravitated towards me and they had been HIS friends to begin with. As a narcissist knows, silence can be very powerful. Ha-ha!
Was it hurtful to know that my ex never had a nice thing to say about me behind my back? Of course it was. It devastated me. Did I feel embarrassed sometimes to be around people KNOWING what he must be saying when I’m not there? Of course I did. But the truth is this: people really don’t want to hear about your drama and they will WELCOME your silence. We imagine that people hang on the narcissist’s every word but this just isn’t true. No one loves the narcissist unconditionally like we foolishly did. No one! The narcissist, if you allow him to talk unfettered, will eventually alienate the world. Everything he says inevitably goes out the window.
This strategy is foolproof…and why? Because in the end, the truth really does prevail and our silence allows it to happen. People aren’t stupid and not everyone buys into the narcissist’s shit. We only think they do because we’re the target. I don’t care WHAT he is saying about you or how awful it is…just stay silent! This means when daddy is talking smack about mommy to the kids, mommy, although she wants to, does not reciprocate. The kids will figure it out and so will everyone else – and all without you ever saying a word in your defense. In this case, silence is a foolproof solution to a very big problem and you will have finally beaten the narcissist at one of his own fucking games.
Has your narcissist subjected you to a smear campaign? Let me know in the comment section!
Caro
May 7, 2016 at 1:52 pmI’ve found smear campaigns are also bait. As long as you feel compelled to defend yourself, you’re validating the narcissist’s presence and staying hooked into their game.
I went no contact with a narcissist (or as I called him, “Mr. Big”, because he would vanish without warning and then swoop back into my life just to shit all over it). At this point, I hadn’t seen him in YEARS. He actually stood me up the last time we were to meet for a drink, and he’d since married someone else.
And yet … the moment I unfriended him on Facebook, he went ballistic and spent two years harassing me, alternating between being sweet/worried about me and angrily demanding to know where I was and what was I up to.
When that didn’t work, he apparently tried to start a smear campaign among everyone in his harem – people I also hadn’t seen in years and whose opinions I didn’t care about. I know because he told me in another email, saying he’d told “everyone” that I’d disappeared, because he was so worried about me, and all he can think is that I must have a problem and was I okay? It never crossed his mind that I wasn’t responding because I didn’t want to talk to him.
Very interesting game at play here, because the strategy I saw was twofold: first, by pretending to be worried about me, he hoped to come across as sweet and make me feel obligated to respond. Second, by roping other people into the game and shit talking me under the guise of being worried, he wanted me to get defensive and justify myself, which prolongs the relationship.
Joke’s on him, because I don’t justify myself to anyone anymore. I’ve never responded and I never will.
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2016 at 8:50 pmHi Caro,
He sure sounds like a Mr. Big, that’s for sure! And so typical for him to feel he can do whatever he wants to mess up your life but then he goes ballistic when you do something as slight (but obviously effective!) as block him on FB. Keep doing what you’re doing…the non-response. It’s the best advice!
Zari xo
Elena
May 3, 2016 at 8:18 pmNo contact and silence after the breakup. Two of the best weapons in a victim’s arsenal. What clued me into the smear campaign tactic was the red flags early on when a narcissist confides in you ABOUT someone else! I thought if he can speak like this about a close friend (relative, child, ex, co-worker…) what do they say about me to their so-called friends. I know now, it was labels like “psycho-bitch”, “needy”,”jealous” or other words that simply are not what others who have met me or get to know me have used. That’s one of your clues you are with an narcissist. Anyway, thank you again Zari for such a spot-on post. You always nail it on the head. What a great review for those of us who have gone no-contact. I sure pick them out quicker now and I run like hell.
Mimz
May 3, 2016 at 7:09 pmThank you so much for opening up my eyes I ‘ve been stuck with a narcissist for 5 yearsN it has been a roller coaster ride. Now I know why some things were happening in the relatioship. It has been a loveless,cold,confusing,frustrating relationship ever. I would sleep next to this man but could still feel the coldness in his sleep. Thank you, you have answered a lot of my Question.
Ashmom
May 2, 2016 at 12:15 pmWhat happened to my comment made this morn, about 6:30a, EST? I was saying how remembering that Narcs are NOT human helps to get one’s head on straight to stay away, no contact. It’s even harder when they spout trash to others but we have to again remember not to think of them and what they do in human terms. They are mutants, con-men, no feelings at all, cold blooded reptiles, ever see their empty eyes? This comment didn’t come out as good as my other, but I’ve no copy of it!
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2016 at 6:42 pmHi Ashmom,
It’s there…I see it. LOL It should have shown right after you posted it because you’ve posted before. In any case, I approved it manually so hopefully you can see it.
And oh yes….I’ve seen the empty eyes. It’s amazing how those eyes can stare right into yours while telling you the biggest, most deceitful lie on the planet and without batting an eyelash.
Zari xo
Ashmom
May 2, 2016 at 7:18 pmThanks Zari, I was up in the wee hours like 3am, read the post n was inspired. Slept a little more then posted my reply about 6:30 est. I thought I saw it later then thought it disappeared! LOL don’t mind me! But I like this post, important to do.
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2016 at 1:40 amLOL…no problem, girl!
xoxo
MC
May 2, 2016 at 6:46 amDear Zari,
Having this place to navigate this experience turns it into a spiritual path for me. Thanks to all those who comment too. So many understandings dawning when I was just spinning for years.
This on the smear was very helpful. The pain is enormous when contemplating the destruction of our social world. Not only does the N destroy trust in an intimate relationship, but takes away the safety net of friends family society. Some of us have to move and even then the smear follows. It is hard to believe a human being could be that harsh.
Learning just how contrived they are, that everything said to us was manipulative, my attachment is shrinking. How they establish this obligation we have to them. It’s amazing. What we put up with! That is a great shame to bear I find. The craving for love is exploited. Rather than just giving us the little juice we would ride on for days weeks months, they tear at us. I don’t quite understand the desire to devalue discard destroy. They could have it all. Why are they so destructive? Why can’t they be nice and up front about their fickle ways? It’s self defeating for them too. But not my problem now!
Smear hurts like hell. Silence is the balm.
Lots of love to everybody,
MC
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2016 at 10:17 amHi MC,
The reason the narc is so destructive is because our suffering is his reward for a job well done, that’s why! It literally makes them feel ALIVE. Being nice and/or telling the truth (which they WILL do when pushed) is way too normal for a narc and won’t have nearly the same invigorating affect. They simply don’t see their behavior as self-defeating…not one bit.
Thank you for sharing, girl, and I wish you nothing but the best:) Come back and visit as often as you need….
Zari xo
Tyker
May 2, 2016 at 4:56 pmI’m trying to Skype with you. 90 minute session for $55. But no reply back Zari.
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2016 at 6:37 pmYes, I have responded three times and this is now my fourth response. This is also the third name that you’ve used with the same email address which is unusual. It doesn’t seem logical to me that you’re not receiving my responses at all given that I’ve sent them two different ways. I’d be happy to chat with you but you have to take it from here. Pay for the consultation using the consult page and I will contact you that way. I just checked and there are no new requests for 90-min consultations…just the hour and 4 1/2 hour sessions and I don’t see your email.
Zari
Sabrina
May 2, 2016 at 4:29 amZari keep them comin’! These incredibly well written no nonsense articles seem to arrive just when I really need them! It is true . It’s so hard to keep silent when they are smearing you . Just when you are at your most demoralized as a result of all the shit they’ve done , shutting up in the face of ALL the downright evil crap they have done is HARD ! VERY HARD!!! It is the only way though . The N I was with for 12 years , was “once ” the owner of a very successful restaurant . He has a ton of friends, and many movers and shakers , doctors lawyers politicians on and on and on!!! Blab blah blah blah but just under that thin very thin facade is a man so full of rage it would make the devil himself cower! While he absolutely NEEDS TO rub elbows with them all pretend in his mind he is one of them he is in reality so full of shit its mind bending. He does however leave a huge trail of enemies , people he has completely screwed over , financially and every other way you can think of ! When it comes to women ?! That is his speciality in the devil department and I am living testament to this fact! Yet here he is after losing his business due to his high roller irresponsible behavior , literally destitute suffering from diabetes so bad that he’s about to have his legs amputated , no longer able to function in the ” man department after a lifetime of “living large” yet he managed to find another very attractive women who he is now living with and claiming to be so happy!!! For Christ sake!!!??? How do they do it!! After only 3 months of walking away after a zillion times of going no contact I just could not tolerate the abuse and went no contact ! His brother comes to me at work one day , tells me he had a massive heart attack and like the idiot I am I go to see him at the hospital in intensive care .AMAZING ! Even on their death beds they are still capable of the most incredible cruelty. He wasted no time dropping the bomb about this wonderful women he had, how I need to move on and find someone I can tell what to do ! Exasperating!!! Here’s a monster who is all about CONTROLLING ! I’m so mad at myself for going there!!! Here is this piece of garbage who I did literally everything for , including giving him 50k after he convinced me to sell my beautiful home because he wanted to start fresh in our own home ( that never happened as he used my money to pay his many creditors) Let me not go any further it’s just unbelievable how duped I was ! The final blow ? He tells me “she’s done so much for me!” In 3 months ??? Just like the 13 years I literally made a doormat of myself for this garbage never happened!! Please Zari! Please ! Just tell me in the end these VAMPIRES WILL GET THEIRS!! I don’t believe revenge isn’t sweet!!! Please answer
Ashmom
May 2, 2016 at 3:20 amGirl, u bring the truth. It’s tough to take the high road and move ahead when the narc turd keeps running their mouth along w their enabling buddies. The thing to remember is that they are empty beings, not human in any way. The more one keeps in mind how inhuman they are in their warped thoughts and actions, the better off one is to be strong. Stop putting human traits on them and forgetting that the narc does and thinks nothing human-like. You will start to see how useless they are and how ignoring them should do the trick.