Debunking the Narcissist’s Smear Campaign

smear-campaignWhen we dump a narcissist or a narcissist dumps us, one of the first things that they do (to make themselves feel better) is embark on a smear campaign. Somehow, running a smear campaign provides the narcissist justification as to why we were never worthy of their presence to begin with. By talking smack around town about the discarded partner…by getting “the word out” about how horrible the ex is…the N feels pumped up and vindicated about however the relationship came to an end.

Most of us who’ve been involved with a narcissist have experienced being the target of a smear campaign at one time or another. It might even be that, with a break-up on the horizon, you’re worried in advance of what you already know will certainly be one. After all, breaking up with a narcissist isn’t exactly like any other break-up or divorce on the planet. If there are mutual friends, co-workers, or children involved, there will always be radioactive fallout but it’s not nearly as scary as it appears to be. In fact, by making one amazingly simple switch within our reaction to it, we can all but instantly change the dynamic of the smear itself. The key, my friends, is to say NOTHING at all…not a single world…and, believe me, there will be power in your silence.

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Naturally, when someone is talking shit about us to others, our first reaction is to want to defend ourselves. In many situations, of course, defending ourselves is the right thing to do but when the person talking smack about us is our narcissistic ex, I have found that silence on our part is the absolute – and only – way to beat him at his own game. In fact, I discovered that our silence during the smear campaign exposes him for the asshole that he really is. Our silence actually creates plausible denial in the smear, ultimately causing the truth to prevail.

The fact is that WE DON’T HAVE TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST DOUCHEBAGS. We just don’t. The fact is that a narcissist will talk bad about us to everyone anyway– his family, our family, our kids, mutual friends, co-workers – and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it. The smear campaign is one of the oldest narcissistic tricks in the book. Sure, we can run around behind him doing damage control or talking smack back but we’re dealing with a narcissist here and he will use our defensive reaction as proof that we are exactly as he describes. This is what he is counting on. This is, in fact, a narcissist’s end game throughout the entire relationship!

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I’m here to tell you that, throughout all of the N’s smearing during and after the relationship, all we ever have to do is be quiet and be normal and the N will quickly end up looking like the piece of shit that he is. Yes, it is hard to do but – OMG – the rewards are amazing and they come quickly. This strategy works, by the way, even with narcissists that are well liked and even loved in the community. It always works.

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Think about the scenario objectively. Imagine that you’re part of a group and one of the couples that you know is in a tumultuous relationship. Together or apart, they’re always causing  drama and within the group, everyone is annoyed.  So, the couple finally breaks up and now you start seeing them each separately. You notice that the guy does NOTHING but talk shit about his ex for hours on end but when you see her, she says nothing about him at all. She doesn’t even talk – or want to talk – about the break-up. She just mingles with the group like she always has. It’s awkward at first because her ex is like the elephant in the room, having said some horrible things about her…but everyone soon gets over that. As time passes, who is going to look more favorable in your eyes?  The person who talks all kind of smack about the ex or the the ex that is normal and nice and never even mentions the other one? The answer is obvious. I’m serious, even if the one half is spewing word garbage week after week that his ex is a murderer, the fact that she never utters his name and is as sweet as can be whenever you see her is going to cast doubt on everything he says. It creates plausible denial in her favor and, again, it always works! Eventually, he will have to stop talking.

Wayne – the ex of my book When Love Is a Lie – was a shit talker. It didn’t matter if we were together or broken up or where he was when he did it, if there were people within earshot that knew me or knew of me, he happily talked shit about me. Throughout it all, I said not a word. In fact, I was so silent about him, that most people who knew both of us weren’t sure if we were really even together. One couple pulled me aside and asked if I knew who he was!! Here’s Wayne talking crap about me to a group of people that we both know and they’re all thinking Holy Crap, does Zari even know this guy? She never even mentions him! Because of my silence, when the relationship was really over, these friends automatically gravitated towards me and they had been HIS friends to begin with. As a narcissist knows, silence can be very powerful. Ha-ha!

Was it hurtful to know that my ex never had a nice thing to say about me behind my back? Of course it was. It devastated me. Did I feel embarrassed sometimes to be around people KNOWING what he must be saying when I’m not there? Of course I did. But the truth is this: people really don’t want to hear about your drama and they will WELCOME your silence. We imagine that people hang on the narcissist’s every  word but this just isn’t true. No one loves the narcissist unconditionally like we foolishly did. No one! The narcissist, if you allow him to talk unfettered, will eventually alienate the world. Everything he says inevitably goes out the window.

This strategy is foolproof…and why? Because in the end, the truth really does prevail and our silence allows it to happen. People aren’t stupid and not everyone buys into the narcissist’s shit. We only think they do because we’re the target. I don’t care WHAT he is saying about you or how awful it is…just stay silent! This means when daddy is talking smack about mommy to the kids, mommy, although she wants to, does not reciprocate. The kids will figure it out and so will everyone else – and all without you ever saying a word in your defense. In this case, silence is a foolproof solution to a very big problem and you will have finally beaten the narcissist at one of his own fucking games.

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32 Comments

  • Sandra

    December 3, 2016 at 2:22 am Reply

    When it’s been over a year and it’s still goes on trying to make me lose my job is pretty annoying

    • EmmaFrancis

      January 3, 2017 at 9:23 am Reply

      Not working well for me either, 3 years and the narc is still at it. Although I lost it a few months ago, so I guess I am partly to blame.

  • Callie

    November 1, 2016 at 4:25 pm Reply

    Thank you for this information as to how to deal with a smear campaign. I am dealing with this at the moment and have been very upset today by the blatant lies he is telling his family, then I get criticism from them. This is despite the emotional, sexual and financial abuse I have suffered over the years, most of which they are aware of. I tried to defend myself today but I think I will try staying silent in future. I cannot have another day like today when I let it get to me so much.

  • Nancy Arensdorf

    October 29, 2016 at 6:43 pm Reply

    I got entangled with a narcissist 2 years ago but at the time I thought of him as a young kid with a big crush on me. He said a couple of vulgar things to me and watched and stared at me at every opportunity. I stopped talking to him and he never asked why. Forward to last month, when I asked for help for something simple at work and to meet me at my cubicle at a certain time. He decided to be with one of his so-called girlfriends. I let off steam on my own facebook page but didn’t mention his or her name. A coworker read my post and told me to take it down, unfortunately he showed the post to ‘N’ The following week I found out that ‘N’ & a male friend took this to HR. I wasn’t brought into HR or my supervisor’s office but was talked to by a member of my Union. A coworker and friend told me to keep quiet and not to bring it up. From that point ‘N’ has yelled insults at his so-called girlfriend and trained her to do most of his jobs so he can strut around the office and do nothing. It made me feel good to know that through this I have found I have more friends and he has more enemies.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 29, 2016 at 11:33 pm Reply

      Hi Nancy,

      I’m glad that you feel you have more friends but how is that so given that you were the one who apparently got into trouble? You have co-workers reading your posts, telling you to take them down and keep quiet, showing them to the N who then, along with another co-worker, took it to HR which in turn caused you to get spoken to by the Union. Wtf? Sounds like you are getting a raw deal. Just sayin’.

      Zari:)

  • Talcarey

    September 29, 2016 at 1:30 pm Reply

    I am looking for smear campaign and I came across your site.I will remain silent it’s his friends anyway. I just want him to leave ,he thinks my apartment is his.I will just have to b e patient.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 30, 2016 at 6:52 pm Reply

      Hi Talcarey,

      Yes, be patient and silent. The reward will be that you – even to his friends (even though they won’t admit it) – will emerge as the sane one. As a response to the smear campaign, our silence works pretty much every single time.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Feeling-defeated

    September 14, 2016 at 7:30 am Reply

    I have been scouring the Internet to try and find out how to deal with this exact thing! We live in a very small community and my ex is a very well known and highly regarded member of our community. He is on a mission it seems to win people to his side. I’ve had several people approach me and say “your ex told Jane you don’t like me, you’re mad at me, etc.” He builds deniability into his covert aggression. He doesn’t directly tell a person I don’t like them (which is often untrue), he goes through a third party that he knows will relay the message. The way he operates is somewhat evil genius like. He uses nuggets of truth, such as “she won’t talk to me anymore” so he gets to be the victim (conveniently leaving out the reasons for this. Ie: he’s a serial cheater, was using prostitutes, he broke into our home when I was out of town and went through my mail, stole things, is dissipating marital assets, etc.) Its like he uses my reactions to his behavior as the way to paint himself as the victim (because he doesn’t tell the whole truth of what he did). He might say something like (this is an actual documented conversation)

    “yes, I hurt her and for that I’m sorry. I’ll never talk bad about her. I only want the best for her. I will tell you though that if it wasn’t for me she would have aborted our child”

    There is no truth in that whatsoever! And of course he said it to someone who is anti-abortion. It’s like he knows just the right buttons to push in people and uses that to elevate himself as victim and myself as evil.

    There has to be something more I can do than just do nothing.

    I just don’t know how to deal with this. There are so many people that won’t even speak to me anymore. It’s like dealing with a schoolyard bully that everyone is afraid of.

  • HopelesslyDevoted

    September 13, 2016 at 1:20 am Reply

    Hi Zari

    I’ve never posted to your forum before and stumbled upon it tonight. I’ve posted to one once last year and did not receive feed back nor any replies. So I am hoping to get something from this. My N and I were together for 3 years before we broke up, and been doing hoover, smear,discard for a year since. In the beginning he was so sweet and mirrored just about everything I would fall in love with. There were many flags which were followed by proof. Drugs, gambling, lies, alcohol, other woman. He would swear he would change, he pulled many grand gesture at beginning when exposed (proposal, a dog) he grew detached, angry, refused help, would not leave because he had no where would not let me leave as I basically pulled all the weight. I started writing to an ex of mine from nearly a decade prior, he found letters and went ballistic. I immediately became defensive I could not believe despite the 3 years of what he put me through he felt this trumped it. He immediately started a smear campaign within the building, to people whom I introduced him to, he’d call my family obscene hours and contact my friends. He behind my back took an apartment immediately below, withheld rent, slowly took my belongings and moved out behind my back all while bragging he was doing so. This was a year ago. I am still in the same building as I am financially unable to leave and been here for 4 years before the 3 we were together. Several months after he moved out I started to get to know someone, through one of the friends he wooed with his pity party she informed him he immediately went cut throat told every one he’d been trying to win me back and I was now messing around on him. Even though he’d had a girlfriend in this time whom he kept secret and informed me she was just a friend (whom he made park next door telling her I’d damage her vehicle, or he’d message and say I’d like to talk and then she would show up and when I’d cry he’d message and say you’re disrupting my company)
    There was much more. I called off whatever it was with the guy I was getting to know and focused on me. Went back to school started working out attended counseling made am mends to friends within building apologizing for the months prior and how they involuntarily became involoved. I learned to stop defending begging crying and finally had a routine set in place. All the while he had the nerve to send me requests to sex sites he’d join. I could hear him parade girls and party company at all hours. He’d taunt me with the dog we shared having her on balcony and when I’d go outside say “there goes mommy she left us huh” eventually it all stopped then one night 3 months later he messages me at 3am and says “May I come up and sleep” I almost fell off my chair. I actually laughed out loud. I was dying of hysteria yet in that one message all my strength seemed to dis appear. I caved and allowed him to come up. I tried to keep my ground I just wanted to be civil and felt he may he in trouble and I could not live with if I did not at least see what was wrong. Needless to say I was baited immediately. He’d quit his job, he was without food, money, the dog as well, he was on verge of eviction. I still loving the man he portrayed to be in beginning ached. I went out and got him groceries, I gave him money for anything he asked, including rent. Things seemed different at first. We would do stuff he never was before, but something was off. Then it started all over. Ignored messages, being gone out all night, not keeping his word, only messaging when he needed something and if I could not provide it the emotional abuse began. I was losing my ropes fast and started to become “crazy” with defense and shock and wanting to make him see who he was. However any time he did something he would justify it with you hurt me. I finally got the nerve to go no contact. Within 24 hours he went insane he was sending me pages, obscene hurtful spiteful nasty things, he was playing music all hours called me all hours accused me of being every name. He was drinking and nearly kicked in my door to stop the fight I finally opened it. I figured it would at least stop the harshness. I said in my mind don’t react. So while he stood there in front of me screaming alternating between how much he loved me and how I ruined his life and he could not believe he wasted years on me. I just stayed silent. This lead to me being slapped in the face 11 times. He threw things, broke photos. I remained silent still. He eventually left and then sends me a message saying “he’s sorry he let us get to this point and he knows he’s in wrong” I was truly and still am feeling crazy now. I have tried calling womans help and also community resources I do not have any leads. I’m trying to make the best of my situation. I helped him catch up on 3 months of rent when I should have let him get evicted.I am now in financial ruins but secured his N palace. However because I withdrew helping his hydro got cut. He showed up at my door with one of his friends whom he told me in the past abuse woman and kill people and so forth. He showed up with him and an extension cord. I felt I had no choice but to say he may run it for using my hydro. He put me on spot. I said within minutes of him leaving I changed my mind and he told me I cannot. I tried shutting it off and it lead to many threats. The police do nothing. He charms everyone. Police. By law. Strangers. But I’m made out to he crazy one who is trying to leave him without hydro or is sending him messages back to his slander but I apparently won’t leave him alone. As of recent it’s become unimaginable. I do not know what to do any longer. I’m so angry that I can’t focus on actually staying silent. I was used for money and discarded. The dog we shared he’s had here for weeks as he cannot feed her and when he goes out all night she gets him a noise complaint. This is his last bait. I have asked Repeatedly to get her gone to door etc and he tells every one look how crazy she is. So I’ll say I’m keeping her then and then it is followed with more threats. I sincerely feel lost. Everything I accomplished is nearly gone now I feel emptied then when we were together. While I know writing to my ex was wrong I do not think that this justifies nor defends and trumps all he did for the 3 years prior.
    Does this ever stop? Will I ever escape him? Will I ever be free ? Am I actually the bad one for reacting? I am at a total loss and often just wish I could disappear. It makes me so depressed to think he is the better one and how he brags to people about all the abuse he has and is doing to me. I know it’s his game but I feel he’s won at everything and I’m left with nothing and need to just accept he will always have some form of control over me.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 16, 2016 at 5:14 pm Reply

      Hi Hopelessly Devoted,

      OMG…what a nightmare you are going through. I understand that you are financially unable to leave that building but until you do, I feel that he will continue to torment you. Now, I don’t understand when you say “he is the better one” because you can’t possibly believe that, right? The physical abuse is unacceptable – I know how they will sometimes use that intermittently and especially when you are not reacting to what they are saying. Mine used to smack me across the head as he ranted and raved if I had my head in my hands and my fingers in my ears to block him out. Afterwards, of course, I would get the apologetic text as well. Everything they do – all day, every day – is about what they can get away with. That’s all it is. If they can get away with cheating, leaving and returning, sending a three-word text and being allowed back in, getting rent money or help with anything like that, they will. This is what they do. This is who they are. No matter what, it is still better to not react – for your OWN sanity. However, when I say that, I don’t mean “put up with it” because I don’t mean that. He need NOT be allowed in your apartment anymore – ever. Who cares about your neighbors? Are they really people who matter because it sure doesn’t sound like it. They sound like a bunch of flying monkeys who don’t have the balls to tell him he’s wrong about what he’s doing. You writing an ex – so what!! It has nothing to do with it AT ALL. You will never be able to change him OR his minions so don’t even try and certainly don’t fret about it.

      A narcissist only has control over us because we allow it. Is there absolutely no place you can go to get away from him? No friends OUTSIDE of that building or family that understands? If not, you will have to muster the courage to move along with your life while planning or saving for a way to get the hell out of there. YOU HAVE TO BE CONFIDENT IN THE TRUTH THAT YOU KNOW. You do not need to defend yourself to him or to anyone any more. You don’t have to answer the door. Block his number so that he can’t call you or email you or leave a voice mail. Deadbolt the door. Get a gun. Enough is a enough.

      I know your finances are hard but when and if you can, please consider booking a consult with me so that we can talk about it. He did NOT win ANYTHING. It’s all fake and who cares what anyone else thinks??? Let him smear all he wants and you just say nothing. You know what he did and so does he! He’s a cheater and a liar and a thief and you are NOT doomed to a life of suffering. But do know that he will not, can not – nor does he care to – ever change. This is as good as he gets. Stop thinking he’s the BETTER one when the truth is he’s the biggest loser ever.

      Thank you for sharing and feel free to write anytime, sister. I am here to support you….

      Zari xo

  • Stacey

    August 31, 2016 at 7:37 am Reply

    While I agree with this article to an extent. In the long run this generally tends to happen. The short term however it can be very damaging especially if you have children. Most people will go out of their way to protect a child and feel sorry for the poor defenseless female and will jump on her bandwagon and testify or write letters to the court , which can be very damaging in a custody battle. Narcs are very good at gathering flying monkeys who will jump to do their bidding. My husbands ex moved 45 minutes from him, so to a different town. She has been able to poison the well in that town to such an extent that even the police believed that my husband was a piece of crap. She’s very good at playing the victim. These people don’t know and have never met him. To her “friends” out there she a good mother who has a horrible ex. But to the people who truly know her she’s a monster. She’s very good at keeping these parts of her life separate. Even the people who know what she’s truly like wont help. They fear being subjected to her wrath and don’t want to get involved. She wont stop until she sees that person destroyed. From what I’ve seen the squeaky wheel gets the most grease. People will give in and appease her just to get her to leave them alone. She badgers, bullies and generally makes peoples lives miserable until she gets her way.

    • Zari Ballard

      September 2, 2016 at 11:51 pm Reply

      Hi Stacey,

      Okay so you see that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So then what you suggest is that the victim partner run a smear campaign as well or go around defending herself/himself about every little thing or act as atrocious as the narc? What exactly is this grease that she gets? Fighting back might appear to be a good thing but the truth is that the victim will never win. The narc will always have a better campaign, meaner words, more time, and more people to say it to. My other thought is who cares what her “friends” think or what the people in this town where she lives think?? If your husband goes into this town, he better be on his best behavior is all I can say in order to prove her wrong. Again, he should say nothing when he rolls in.

      My son’s dad did a number on me…he talked smack everywhere he went, court included, and to anyone who would listen. I chose to say nothing and everyone eventually gravitated away from him. Eventually I won. People got sick of listening to him whine. The judge got sick of listening to him lie.

      Now, it’s definitely harder when the narcs a girl because she gets the sympathy so all the more reason to say nothing. Now, I’m not saying to say nothing in court – that would be ridiculous. Of course, you do what you can do…he needs to stand up for himself, write letters, get his own witnesses, etc. But I sure wouldn’t stand in front of a judge and criticize or argue with his ex in the courtroom. As I say in my co-parenting articles…detachment and indifference. Let them dig their own parental grave. He has to act like the better person. The alternative is to act like her.

      I’m a little uncomfortable with the fact that she has so many people who are willing to lie in court to protect HER child even when they don’t know this guy at all…that’s weird to me and I’m not sure I understand it. Something about that makes me uneasy. What is it that makes her stories so believable that people who don’t even know your husband are not only willing to lie in court – perjure themselves – to do her bidding in a custody battle?? What exactly does she do…threaten them??? Something about that is just odd to me. I mean I know of flying monkeys and convincing narcs but for a narc to move to an entirely new town, convince everyone in it including the cops that your husband’s a bad guy to the point that NO ONE – even those who know she’s bad and are friends with your husband – will help on the side of the truth is just plain bizarre. What is her wrath exactly? If she’s that bad, I would think that you’d have no problem gathering evidence on your end (hidden voice recordings, emails, voice mails…) that would show her true colors.

      Anyway, I hope that things work out for you, I really do. Please feel free to write anytime to update. I would love to know how this turns out.

      Zari:)

  • Robyn

    July 22, 2016 at 4:30 pm Reply

    I definitely agree. my N is a lesbian. She told me she had my back 100% and would “NEVER” leave my side she told me that me and my daughter meant everything to her. I guess when she realized that I don’t have anymore money she decided to go shopping for her next target. I cant believe I actually went to court to fight for full custody of my daughter so that we could be a happy family that she wanted us to be. It was all a waste of money and my time. I turned my back on family members and most importantly my mother for this disgusting piece of shit. I new she was cheating the day she told me I couldn’t come up to her job anymore. She started taking her phone with her everywhere she went. She started to criticize me on my weight, how I dressed and complained about not giving her enough space when before she was complaining about me not giving her any attention. She lied and told me that I shouldn’t feel like I have to compete for her and that I am all she wants and needs. She would get super heated when I would look up her facebook page only to find out that she has her status as “single” she would say stuff like “why the fuck are you looking on my facebook?” ” I can give you my password it aint shit!” (she never gave me her password mind you) every time I would see something out of the ordinary on her facebook she would basically snap at me and change the status then months later it would go right back to how it was. she broke up with me on May 9th, the day after mothers day she claimed that she changed her relationship status to “single” because she knew I was “lurking on her shit” Lies! She was planning on breaking up with me and she got caught. She humiliated me at her job in front of her co workers she said that I’m making a fool out of my self she got up in my face as if she wanted to fight me. I assume that her new supply was there to show off in front of. she was this different person I never knew. I took it to the next level and keyed her car. The look on her face when she saw it was stunning. She called me a bitch, she belittled me. I asked her if she loved me? She said “yeah I love you” Then I said no you don’t cause you wouldn’t treat me this way. ” she said alright I don’t now get the fuck out of my car” I asked her “who is she?” she acted as if she had no idea what I was talking about. on May 20th, she said that she loved me and she has been with me too long to leave and that she wasn’t going anywhere. on May 23rd she said that we were not together. I said “I thought you loved me?” she said “ahh I lied, and come and get your shit because I’m not going to be wagging this stuff around” I was crying and she literally mocked me and called me a bitch. I came to meet to get my stuff and she literally said she doesn’t have time for me and she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore(she never had to begin with) and she isn’t ready for a relationship. I said “but your already talking to someone though” She simply said “I’m not talking to anybody” she showed me a picture of my daughter on her screen saver on her phone and said “everytime I open my phone this is what pops up…but I don’t care right?” and walked off and slammed my car door. I did the NC for a month and low and behold I went on her facebook page and saw that she posted on June 28th 2016 that she has been in a relationship since May 21st 2016. I said to myself “wow! this bitch just sat up here and lied directly in my face” I guess she knew I would look on her page and because I was doing NC she had no story to tell to her friends, co-workers, or girlfriend about me because I left her alone and because I was moving on I feel like she put May 21st to finally get something out of me. I called and told her that she is coward. I even revealed my fb account and messaged her saying “your a fucking liar I cant believe you would do some shit like that. but you never lie right your a girl of your word” she blocked my number so I messaged her through this texting app and she replied “first ima start with…I’m not about to read all that bullshit you just wrote so stop texting me…second, I have a girlfriend and I love her so stop texting me your feelings bye…” I said “I hate you and lol you love her? I thought you wasn’t ready for a relationship? what happened liar?” She simply said ” Leave me the fuck alone! when I told her that she was going to the same thing to the girl she is with. she said “later, I’m at the club I have no time to argue with you” ever since then, I have not spoken to her its be 2 weeks and 3 days I plan on never speaking to her again. Its been really tough but I have to be strong and not give in. she makes me seem like I’m this crazy psycho who keyed her car because all she asked for was “some space” when really she is the crazy one who said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me 2 months ago and get married on the 25th of May. Now she wants nothing to do with me and act as if I never existed.

    • Zari Ballard

      July 23, 2016 at 3:05 am Reply

      Hi Robyn,

      Thanks for writing and sharing your story:) To me, the girl/girl relationship with one being a narc is an extremely difficult dynamic. First of all, female narcs in general are the worst of the worst in the evil/mean department because society basically enables them to be that way. Guy narcs can’t be so overt…they have to do things much more secretly. Secondly, the betrayal when it’s girl/girl, in my mind, can be so much more devastating because it is two-fold: one way is the betrayal of the couple dynamic and the second way is the betrayal simply because girls grow up thinking that girls are supposed to stick together, know what I mean (lovers or not!). Girls are naturally close to each other even if their not lovers so when the betrayal hits both ways – WHAM!

      All that being said, this girl is very typical. She is just a mean female narc. Do not fear – she will NOT be any better with this new target or with any of the ones that come after. Just do what you’re doing and make sure to BLOCK HER AND KEEP HER BLOCKED. I wouldn’t be surprised if she reared her narcissistic head on the premise of being “friends”. This would be bullshit after how she behaved and do not fall for the ruse. She did it to you once and she’ll happily do it all over again.

      Stay strong….I’m here to support you….

      Zari xo

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