Signs of a Narcissistic Partner/Personality

signs-of-a-narcissistDo you suspect that a partner or person you’ve just met has a narcissistic personality? If so, the narcissistic behaviors listed below will help you to decide. Typically, we’ve been with our partner for quite a while before we begin to investigate the behaviors that have been giving us that nagging, uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t quite right. For many (myself included), it’s this length of time that becomes our biggest regret as well as the biggest obstacle to our acceptance of the fact that this person that we love has a narcissistic personality disorder. I mean, who wants to believe that?

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As we’re all aware, this person could be a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, father, sibling, child, friend, or co-worker. Narcissism covers the gamut of human pathological relationship possibilities and has no geographic or demographic boundaries. In other words, they’re fucking everywhere.

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Recognizing Narcissistic Traits (Red Flags) in Someone New

Now, if you’re people-savvy enough to be reading this article before or during the initial stages of a relationship, then good for you. I didn’t begin my investigations until the eight-year mark of my involvement with a narcissistic boyfriend and this fact boggles my mind even today [See my book When Love Is a Lie for details].

Beware of the following Red Flags that indicate narcissistic traits or tendencies:

  1. You met him ONLINE or it appears that all of his exes were women that he met online OR he has several active online dating/social media profiles. The anonymous world of online dating and/or social media (particularly, FaceBook!) is a safe-haven and notorious stomping ground for textbook narcissists and sociopaths.  I would go so far as to guess that 7 out of 10 males that you might meet anywhere online are narcissists and sociopaths.
  2. A infamous narcissist tactic is that he/she will come on very strong right away, wanting or showing the willingness to spend 24 hours/day together. This is often referred to as love-bombing. Within days of meeting, you may even hear the words “I love you” or “You’re my soul mate” or “…we finish each other’s sentences” or “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met”. And sex with a narcissist is usually deliberately wonderful. When you’re not together, he’ll send lots of texts “just checking in”.
  3. He/she refers to at least one ex as a psycho or as someone “who just can’t/couldn’t let go”. You may even be told that the relationship became sexually incompatible or that the ex was a selfish person. You may even hear that this ex still bugs him and that he’s had to ignore calls or change his phone number because of it (this is a HUGE Red Flag because you’re next!). The ex who “still” bugs him is the usually the one he is cheating on with you.
  4. Even though he has his own place, he seems to like to spend a lot of time at your residence and somehow it always ends up that way (even if the date starts out at his house). There’s a reason why he prefers you two not be at his place right now.
  5. He/she showers you with gifts from the start (part of love-bombing) OR you find that you are paying for everything. Either way, it’s a Red Flag. If you have to pay for things, the excuse usually is something like “I didn’t get a chance to cash my check” or “I’ll make it up to you this weekend” or “I’m kinda short on cash but I’d really like to see you” OR (as my ex actually stated) “Wow…I’m sure glad you’re not one of those girls who expects me to pay for everything. I hate that.” (I should have excused myself to the ladies room and snuck out the front door!)
  6. The time you spend together is, for the most part, just the two of you. Although he may mention the names of friends in passing, you haven’t met any yet and he hasn’t expressed any interest in introducing you to them OR he’ll say, “I kinda like it being just me and you right now.”
  7. When a narcissist shares a story about himself, it’s usually a story describing something someone else did to him. If he talks about past jobs, the reason he was let go or fired was NEVER his fault and he sees nothing unusual about having many past jobs that he can say this about.
  8. It’s AMAZING how many things you have in common with this person you’ve just met. Trust me, no one has that many things in common with an absolute stranger. Beware of hearing too many responses that being with “You’re kidding! Me too!”

Recognizing Narcissistic Traits in a Long-Time Partner

  1. There are times his cell phone is off for long periods of time or he’s seems to always be out of cell minutes or he has a tendency to leave his phone in his car “to charge” or on vibrate when he’s with you or your calls seem to always have to go to his voice mail first before he calls back or when he does call, the background is unusually dead silent or hollow-sounding (indicators he has had to go elsewhere to call you). In addition, if you question any of this, he quickly brushes it off as no big deal and states that you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
  2. If YOU, for whatever reason, don’t answer your phone or respond to a text, a narcissist will become greatly offended or accusatory and may even subject you to a silent treatment as a punishment for not being available.
  3. He will change his cell phone number for no reason at all. With a narcissist, this typically means he is trying to avoid the calls of someone else he’s been seeing and is now blowing off.
  4. There will be unexplained disappearances and unexpected reappearances and he will become highly annoyed if there are repercussions or questions about any of it. If you think about it, it’s as if he pushes a relationship reset button whenever he feels like it, fully expecting to continue on as if he’d never been gone.
  5. He gives illogical and even ridiculous excuses when questioned about anything and nothing about any of it rings true. After awhile, it appears that he may even lie when the truth is a better story just for the sake of lying in general and this is exactly what a narcissist does to confuse you about what’s true and what isn’t so that you’ll eventually stop questioning everything! If pushed, a narcissist will use the tactic of plausible denial, twisting the truth and/or denying everything and admitting to absolutely nothing (even with evidence front and center) until he is blue in the face.
  6. He becomes highly accusatory for no reason and nothing you can say will dissuade him from his rant. This Red Flag can be used to your advantage because whatever the narcissist is accusing you of is usually precisely what he’s up to at any given time.
  7. He keeps a distance between you and his family and even if this isn’t openly apparent, you can simply sense it.
  8. He seems to have a completely different persona in the out side world and others may see him as a really funny guy. If he does have friends and co-workers, he spends a good amount of time talking badly about them to you behind their back. This Red Flag is also a give-away. Is there a girl at work that he talks a lot to you about but in derogatory tones…how annoying she is, how he can’t stand working with her? That’s the one he’s probably interested in.
  9. A narcissist will create chaos about nothing just to start trouble. This is particularly apparent on any occasion that is celebratory for you (i.e. birthdays) and also on holidays. He/she may even disappear at the same time every year. I call this tactic the Narcissist’s Seasonal Discard. If this happens regularly for any amount of time (my ex disappeared every October until after New Years for 13 years!), you can be fairly certain that he’s spending this time at his other place of residence with the person that he discards to be with you during the rest of the year!
  10. You’re starting to feel manipulated into asking no questions about anything this person says or does no matter how illogical it sounds. Manipulation is the key here because a narcissist can be very passive-aggressive. You’re reality is being created by a Narcissist Puppeteer and he’s very good at what he does! Executing this manipulation successfully is how a narcissist manages down your expectations of the relationship until he is able to do just about anything he wants and still return to your open arms.

Trust your intuition! Trust your gut feeling! The above are only a handful of the narcissistic ploys and tactics that a potential partner or a long-time partner or spouse can display to give themselves away – but don’t let too much time pass trying to figure it all out. If you suspect that something is up or if stories suddenly don’t make sense or sound even the slightest bit logical, confront! If the answers given aren’t good enough or if, more than likely, this person refuses to answer you at all or if you’re subjected to punishments simply for asking the question, it’s time to get out of this relationship or nip in in the bud before you get hooked.

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Lingering in the confusion and continually giving this person the benefit of the doubt leads to the type of codependency to hope that gets us nowhere. Narcissists are everywhere and they are the most patient of demons. A victim’s unhappiness is how the narcissist measures his control and he has all the time in the world to watch you suffer.


  • Jae

    April 4, 2017 at 5:59 pm Reply

    Just read your article. Im currently being ignored by my partner/ex. I have been reading about narcissistic personality disorder and I think its exactly him. I’ll start by saying him and I had an argument and he called me a few names. He’s done this before and I thought it was a one time thing (silly me) anyway I have always been taught to be strong and know my worth. I know I don’t want to be with someone who goes that low. So I tried to end it right there. He told me to think about giving him a chance. I said I will not be in a relationship with anyone who calls me names and puts me down/blames me for everythinggggg!
    The first day of silence I was shocked. Second day, again, a shock as he said he will do anything to keep me. Its now day five and Im starting to think wtf am I getting the silent treatment???? Is he waiting for me to contact him? His last words were if I can just throw us away after a few names then I must have NEVER cared. But thats not true, I just refuse to be put down again and again.
    How the hell did he twist this to make me feel like I did something wrong! Ugh!
    I needed to vent this so that I don’t contact him. Thanks for listening!


    • Zari Ballard

      April 14, 2017 at 2:32 pm Reply

      Hi Jae,

      I hope you’re doing okay! Please read all the articles on this website because it will bring great clarity to your situation. The problem is NOT you, it is HIM and you do not have to endure this. They will cross all boundaries and just when you think they have crossed them all and you are safe, they find one you didn’t even know you had.

      Stay no contact. It is the only way. If you need to talk about it, consider booking some talk time with me so we can work it out. Staying no contact will bring you amazing peace…you simply have to allow it to happen!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Carmel Schwartz

    February 24, 2017 at 9:22 am Reply

    I met a man online. We met for a drink and had a very pleasant time. At the end he said he would like to invite me to go out.
    Two days later he called very animated and invited me to see a performance of the ballet. The performance was a Saturday
    matinee. From the moment I met him before the performance he was cold as ice. During the intermissions he hardly communicated with me, I might mention the tickets were very expensive but he could afford the price. When the performance
    was over we walked out and I thanked him profusely for inviting me. He then proceeded to walk away and that was the end,
    I was completely in shock.

    After reading your articles I think he is narcissist. During our first meeting he did tell me that after many years of marriage, his
    wife told him “she no longer loved him” and wanted a divorce,


    • Zari Ballard

      March 1, 2017 at 12:06 am Reply

      Hi Carmel,

      I don’t know if he’s a narcissist but I’m sure glad that he didn’t hang around long enough for you to find out! Whatever and whoever he is, he is nothing nice. Yikes!! I dare say that you dodged an enormous bullet, sister. Whew! Forget it ever happened, seriously. The experience isn’t worth a second of your time. Unfortunately, narcissists and sociopaths LIVE on the internet and LOVE online dating so buyer beware the next time. But now that you’ve been researching it, you definitely know what to look for. This guy is a complete asshole!! Go forth and be happy:)

      Zari xo

      Zari xo

  • Martin Leahy

    February 1, 2017 at 10:09 am Reply

    7 out of every 10 men online are narcissists? And you’d like to be taken seriously?

    • Zari Ballard

      February 1, 2017 at 6:03 pm Reply

      Hi Martin,

      Actually, I’m already taken seriously and with good reason. Yes, 7 out of ten online and I’m talking about the dating dynamic. But before you jump to conclusions read this. I’m all about supporting the male victims because I actually think the female narcissist has the male narc beat hands down in the evil department. I’ve also written a book about it. So, things are not as they appear.


  • G.

    March 23, 2016 at 4:31 am Reply

    Hello Zari,

    I’m a student from Germany and I was in a 2-Month long relationship with an Narcisstist. Before him and before your Website I never knew what a Narcisststic Personality Disorder was. After that “glorious” experience I was devestated and I wanted to know what happened to me and was that whole thing even normal? The silent Treatment, the shift between the Angel and the Devil in a second, when they don’t have any use for you? I met him online, we talked and he was “head over heels” in me – i was still cautious. I wanted him to prove himself before I can fully trust him. He talked about how much we have in common – he is a Medical Student in his last year, I’m a Molecular Biology Major with the desire to study Medicine, same taste of Music, same taste in books, series, we are both classical – it was to perfect to believe. He talked about, when it still that good between us to get married, because he wants to have something serious and that I would be a perfect fit for him (after knowing each other a few days). I was still worried, cautious and he put it in the “Man who knows what he wants” – category. We met each other for a date after 2 weeks of knowing and we got together at this time. After that he completly changed – he almost called everyday (in the morning, in the afternoon, in the night) and after we got together the effort stopped. He called maybe once at night, the messaging was low and it was a constently battle. He told me it is because of the work, that he doesn’t have the time to write or to call me. When I did something wrong, the silent treatment took place, messages are getting ignored, my calls are getting ignored and my nerves were on ice. In the silent treatment he talked with girls, my Grandfather died and he disappered, he searched for problems, we fought and the silent treatment got into us. He cheated on me and got into a second relationship with a “easy-going” girl who is madly in love with him after talking a week. He doesn’t wanted to tell me, because he tought that I would recognize it, because of the lack of communication between us. He claimed to like her really much, that everything is my fault and if I behaved correctly that he would have gladly the future with me. He almost begged me that I shouldn’t write her and that she is a kind person with a great personality, that she will change everything for him and that I behave like a slut in bad times – I only went to the gym and the spa against his will (my slut behaviour). I was devestated, crying, begging – I thought that they only talk and not that they are in a relationship. He told me that I broke his heart and that he broke mine now. He said that I could always call him, when I need help or something. And that he would write me a message with his decision in a few days and we broke up. I was in pain – I couldn’t sleep the whole night, I deactivated my Facebook, I turned my “last seen…” in whatsapp off and I did nothing.

    I went into the No-Contact – I got no message from him about his decision and I didn’t cared. I booked a flight to London with my friend, I lost weight and I finally woke up. After he saw that I did nothing towars him, he went into a depressed state of mood – he changed his picture on whatsapp nearly everday with quotes like “If you give someone something what he doesn’t deserve, you will lose him.” I didn’t cared and I’m still in the No-Contact. It’s now 3 weeks since the breakup and I’m still mad as hell. Mad at me, because that happened to me and mad at him, because the whole situation wasn’t right. I don’t fully know if he is a Narcisstist – but everything speaks for it. In a nutshell :

    1. He hates people who are useless.
    2. He loves to prove himself.
    3. He argue you to the ground untill you share the same opinion about a subject.
    4. He is very insecure, but will never show it.
    5. He needs the attention – even if it means to hurt me.
    6. He laughs about other people.
    7. He said to me that I’m easy to manipulate.
    8. He needs to show of his brilliant intelligence (he is very smart and wants to get higher and higher)
    9. It’s always about him “Show me your empathy, I need to get some sleep, I’m working and I don’t have the time for your nonsense problems, I want to eat, I need to do this bla bla bla.)
    10. He always wants a sexual interaction – in a way like “I will give you a nice date and after that I want you to please me.”

    I’m feeling relieved that I have the time to rebuild myself, but they are little demons inside of me that say “Maybe he is not a Narcisstic and he will be to his next girl a better man. Maybe he will be very happy now.” And it bothers me very much, because I suffered, I got hurt and I have to rebuild myself while he is having his fun now.

    I’m very greatful that I found your Website and the articels you have there.

    I wish you a good day! 🙂

  • Tracy

    November 22, 2015 at 7:24 am Reply

    Most of what you’ve written about narc traits are spot on.. Althu he never showered me with gifts.. I’d been dating on and off for a year.. Something as always felt off.. He was 2 hrs away so long distance. We’d have arguments as he’d never call only text. He’d let me down at a moments notice. I never visited him he always came to me. He thought he was god like. Looking at himself in mirrors. Constant attention. Asked if I loved him. If I’d not text him or send a pic of where I was or wat I was wearing he’d get peeved. Very protective of his phone. Told me his first wife divorced him because she thought he was unfaithful . His 14 year relationship with ex who’s he has a child with became boring sexually incompatable. He’d disappear for days or weeks came back saying it’s no big deal. Because I loved him I’d let it go. I then found an online dating profile. Confronted him. Said he missed me to much and he needed a boost. I knew at tht moment he had more to hide. So did something I’m embarresed about I took his phone while he was sleeping. Found he’d messaged 4 other woman. Sending filthy pics to. Also telling his ex of 14 years he knew he had a problem. Meanwhile trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I woke him told him wat I’d seen he called me sly and underneath. He’d put my health at risk over and over. I shouldn’t of snooped but my gut was right. He left saying nothing. No remorse nothing. Within minutes blocking me.. I did try 3 times to talk on his online profile. As tht was the only way. He’s ignored and blocked me there too… I’ve read so much in the last month on npd, sociopaths, bpd. Don’t know if this is the silent treatment I’ve read about. Or wether I now no to much and I’ll not get hooved. Which also I’m convinced he’s done before on a 3 mth sporadic text.. I miss him and part of me wats to hear again sad I know. But I’ve had the love bombing. Your my world to talks of children. Does this sound textbook. Or just a player.??? Pls help..

    • Tracy

      November 22, 2015 at 7:36 am Reply

      There is so much more… But I’d be here all day. I met him online. I’ve never met his daughter or family. It’s always us. He never was violent but he’d accuse me of bad behaviour and sends shitty messages. It was always on his terms. Defiantly not an equal relationship. Very vain.. He’d say if I turn heads oh well.. Cocky.!! He’d tell me I was to sensitive. But in a year.. Maybe 10 calls 7 weekend visits. One or two Skype calls. He’d say I’m glad we go Dutch and your not the type to make me pay for everything. He did shower me with compliments.. But so many things ring true with your articles. He was always tactile loving. If we’d argue and it was something he was or wasn’t doing. He’d want it dropped instantly. If not he’d disappear for a day or two… So confused…

    • Zari Ballard

      December 19, 2015 at 5:33 am Reply

      Hi Tracy,

      You might as well send an update since I took so long to respond. It will bump you to the top of the mist:) Well, all narcs are players, girl. And yes, he sure sounds like he has narcissistic qualities to me. At the very least, he’s a chronic cheater and a complete douchebag…that we know for sure. Sometimes whether he’s a narcissist or sociopath or however you want to define him isn’t even important. A person can be so bad that it doesn’t even matter WHY he’s bad, do you know what I mean? The bottom line is that he’s just a loser…a predator…a manipulator. Even if I told you that I thought he was “just” a player, you should run for the hills.

      I know that it hurts no matter what but you are so much better off without him. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will validate your obvious intuition and provide you with a whole bunch of answers. Sometimes we have to walk away without knowing ALL the answers and accept that what we DO know to be true is all the proof we need.

      Stay strong!!!

      Zari xo

    • Lorena

      April 23, 2016 at 2:29 am Reply

      I don’t want to give advise but I want to let you know that you are not alone. I think my x is a narcissist. He showed three signs. He sent me consistent texts wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. He did not shower me with gifts but he was extremely generous with me. I thought that he was a doctor so he did so because he simply could afford it and was being kind. He also told me he loved me too soon. I watched several videos about narcissism. I came across this because I have gone to Al-Anon meetings and therapy for many years. I discovered that my empathic nature and background of codependency traits made me a perfect candidate for this apathetic individual. I am not giving advice but from my experience I would not overlook the warning signs. In my case there are three 1 texting consistently 2 saying I love you too soon and 3 Telling me that he divorced his x wife because she was a crazy. He showed no regard for my feelings by consistently pressing me to have children when I have a life threatening blood disease. I played a role because I kept saying that I would see a doctor because I did not want to lose him. I told him that I could relapse or die if I had a child. So I looked at his PHONE one day too and what did I find…. a message telling his x (who is a friend
      ) that he most likely will end it with me because I can’t have his baby. I stayed with him in the ER the night before because he had high blood pressure. I did not want to bring it up because I did not want him to be re admitted. However, he was all over me…kissing me and such so I asked, “Why are you all over me if it is over? As you text your friend?” He replied, “Well I wanted children but you did not follow through with your doctor visits.” Then he said, “Can I date other women.
      You know how badly I want a family and if I don’t find someone to have a baby can I come back to you?” I was so appalled.
      He made me sick with a headache and fever but I would not back down or dare give him the cards. I said, ”
      I am not second best not do I want to be your friend. Perhaps I need to think about what I want to do now.” It was just horrible. We dates for nine months. I met his entire family and he was available. I understand that he wants children but I did tell him what a risk it was from the beginning. I procrastinated seeing a surrogate doctor as he wished because I was afraid of which I told him shortly before my last visit that I booked my appointment. I was brave because I refused to shut my mouth. Then a strange thing happened in the car. He asked, ‘What do you want to do?” After he traumatized me. I have not heard from him in three days. I believe that I have acquired more knowledge about the type of men that i have attracted by working on myself and I refuse to go back for more. I believe he discarded me because I have not heard from him for a few days. I believe that if you are confident and love yourself that you will not be a target for such men. I used my friend’s email for this message board and prefer to keep my identity private. I believe that we must work together to share our experience strength and hope. No one should go through this at all. No one should endure such misery.

  • JMG

    September 9, 2015 at 2:32 pm Reply

    I read thru all of these Red Flags and the majority of them rang true. The ones that didn’t still stuck with me, because even tho many were word for word in their descriptions of my ex-N, the ones that weren’t were the complete opposite or close to…
    for example:
    #4 in the first list states that the Narc will like to spend the majority of their time at YOUR place rather than theirs. With my N that was the polar opposite, he NEVER liked to come to my house. I was ALWAYS expected to make the drive to him. If he ever found himself at my house he would act so strange. Fidgity(sp), nervous and uncomfortable to name just a few. Enough so that when my kids were introduced to him, he gave them a really strange vibe. He would stay maybe a night or 2 at the most, but I was expected to stay for days on end at his place. My oldest daughter even commented on the fact that he acted completely different at his house, in his surroundings, than he acted at our house. In his element he was charming and nice and could actually hold a conversation. He was hospitable and fun. When he wasn’t in his own surroundings, or being introduced to “my people” he was almost a social moron. I’m wondering, does that follow with anti-social tendencies? It is still so strange to me.

    #3 in the second list talks about frequent phone number changes. Mine never did that, although he was extremely shady when it came to his cell phone AND his iPad. If I was anywhere in the vicinity, his iPad was hidden or locked in his truck and his phone was on silent with a passcode in place and tucked in his pocket. If I ever picked his phone up if he left it sitting somewhere purely on accident, even just to hand it to him, I was accused of snooping. Yet my phone was always left out on the counter, never on silent and he would come at me saying I was the one who was being shady with my phone. If it was in my purse, I was hiding something, if it was on vibrate, I was hiding something. Yet what he did was over looked. He was/is theee worlds worst hypocrite, pathological liar and serial provoker.

    #4 in the second list it states that Narc’s will do unexplained disappearing acts. Mine never did. He was ALWAYS in contact with me. Almost to the point of it being harassing at times, especially when I was at work. Granted, I would get the “silent treatment” quite often, but they’d be for a day or two and there would still be minimal contact on his part just to keep control, but to actually go days and days or weeks and months without any contact with him and he then just turns back up, was unheard of for me. If he saw that I had posted on Facebook or Instagram, I could count on a call or text from him commenting negatively about what I was doing that he didn’t know about. I would sometimes use Facebook posts to manipulate contact if he was giving me the all-too-familiar “cold shoulder routine”. I believe he was obsessed with me to the point that he HAD to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with and if I didn’t get back to him in a short amount of time, then I was accused of cheating among other things. If I was on my way to his house and I hadn’t arrived in the amount of time it took to come straight there, he’d accuse me of “stopping off” to another mans house. He told me numerous times after it got really bad, that he owned me, that I was HIS property. That I was going to be ruined for anyone else but him and that he would never stop trying with me. I was scared to death.

    #7 in list two says the Narc will keep you distanced from his family. In my situation, we were ALWAYS around his family. They sang his praises, he had them snowballed into thinking that he was this AMAZING person, this is probably why we were always around them, so that they could enforce what a “good guy, real deal” he was. I was always around his daughters, I spent hours alone with them throughout our relationship. It was MY family who was avoided. I was isolated from them so much so that my only sister and I, who is my best friend, went from speaking, texting everyday, to only speaking a couple times a month. He wanted NOTHING to do with my family, which was fine because there was no love lost between them. They all saw how he changed me into an anxious, depressed mess of a person. They all hated him and he knew it. But it definitely all started because he would never come around. In the beginning we would make plans for him to come with me to my family gatherings, everyone would be excited to FINALLY be meeting him, just for him to bail last minute because he started a fight or some chaos, and I’d be left making excuses for him as to why he didn’t show.

    I know that everybody’s relationshit with these parasites are different and very much the same all at once. I guess I am just looking for some validation maybe? Or maybe validate someone else? See if anyone else out there finds that the lists of Narcissistic /Psychopathic traits can be so textbook of the person you were/are with, and yet you find that the traits that are the opposite of what is listed are still very much disordered in their own right. I hope this all makes sense 🙂

    • Zari Ballard

      September 16, 2015 at 4:13 pm Reply

      Hi JMG,

      I looked over your exceptions to my list and I have to comment on each because if you really look at it, you DID see those behaviors – albeit in slightly different versions. Our experiences really are the same. For instance, you guy may not have changed his phone number (mine really ENJOYED doing that – it was a special kind of punishment!), but, as you explain, he without a doubt played The Cell Phone Game. Hiding his phone, hanging on to it for dear life, putting it on silent, accusing you of snooping (as a distraction)…it’s all the same. As for your narc and the “family” dynamic, he may not have kept you from HIS family but he kept you from YOURS. It’s just a different version of the same behavior. Narcissists do what makes them comfortable. Obviously, he had a family that made him feel GOOD (i.e. they didn’t see through him) so it doesn’t surprise me at all that he wanted to be around them. At the same time, he made sure that you didn’t have the opportunity to do the same with yours. And the silent treatment – just because you didn’t get it for long periods of time doesn’t make it any less narcissistic. Narcissists have different reasons for doing the same behaviors. One girl that I am consulting with has an N that was ALWAYS in contact with her…always having to know where she was…so how could he possibly be cheating? Well, he was. As long as he was sure where she was at, he would sneak it in. Narcissists cover their asses all the time and a silent treatment is a silent treatment. As for wanting to be at his house, again, we’re back to where he was the most comfortable. PLUS, at his house, he was in control. Also, it was all about putting YOU out…expecting you to make the drive and stay for days> when my ex wasn’t torturing me at my house, he expected me to that as well. I don’t know how long you’ve been with this guy but the length of time has much to do with it as well. These behaviors creep up slowly over time and they evolve…takes years in many cases.

      So, the truth is that your guy’s behaviors are NOT opposite of any of those traits. They are, in fact, almost exactly the same. He sounds like a textbook case to me…If you can, read my book When Love Is a Lie because it will open your eyes to how these behaviors and manipulations really work.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • linda tijerina

    August 20, 2015 at 8:50 pm Reply

    I got involved w/a narcissist married man (pathological liar).. Im still seeing him & i don’t know why. I’m shocked w/myself cuz i know i deserve much better. He will n3ver leave wifey, they have a son, she’s pregnant w/twins . This monster doesn’t respect nor love his wife, no respect for women, period. This is a roller coaster ride, 2 say the least…. Help

    • Zari Ballard

      September 4, 2015 at 9:27 pm Reply

      Hi Linda,

      Forgive me for taking so long to respond and I am sorry that you are hurting. Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will empower you to get off that roller coaster from hell that everyone who has ever come to this website has ridden. I explain what happened to me and how I recovered and you will see yourself in my words.

      Let your heart not be troubled, sister. I am here to support you. Get the book and you will see that there is indeed a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I promise you that:)

      Zari xo

  • Anon

    June 16, 2015 at 5:28 pm Reply

    I was with my ex for nearly 3 years, everything was fine up until about 6 or 7 months into our story, she worshipped me at first but then she was always seeking attention from guys and stuff where she works which I didn’t like. When I picked her up on it she would go into denial and then a rage and dissappear for like a month at a time sometimes 2.

    We were going on holiday to France and two weeks before the holiday she breaks up with me speaking to me like i was shit and left me to go alone, but when I was checking in for the flight she calls me upset saying she wanted to come etc.

    When I got back from holiday we got back together and all was fine. But then there was a guy that worked with her that told her he wanted her (I know this because she told me previous) he was texting her when i was with her which made me angry, I challanged her on it and she admitted she shouldnt have done it but then a day later went silent on me for weeks.

    People were already telling me that she wasn’t for me anyway. She even told me her charachter was shit when we first started dating.

    She used to say one thing to me then do another. She lied and sneaked. How she said she felt and how she acted were sometimes in conflict.

    We get back together again then the same thing happens with her attention seeking which she told me she would stop. (I really think she needed the attention) her friend even told me that I should leave her.

    Anyway another break up and she is texting with some guy and lying to me about where she was (I know this because I asked her friend if she was with her when she told me she was, her friend said she wasn’t with her) that tells me she is doing something that she shouldn’t be doing in a supposedly monogamous relationship.

    She even said to me that I will learn when she dissappeard for months as if she was teaching me a lesson.

    Because I wasn’t in the best shape mentally I ended up seeing another girl which was wrong of me but my mind was in another place, when she found out about this she starts texting me telling me I will never find anyone as good as her etc.

    I had to break off with the other girl because in truth I was not being fair to her which is completely put of charachter for me.

    And because of my feelings……
    we get back together……………….

    there is much more detail in this but I am keeping it simple.

    Here comes the end..

    We break up again… which makes me go crazy.

    I was angry and wanted to teach her a lesson, I wanted to break off with her but I didn’t at the same time.

    She drained me emotionally sucked the life out of me infact. Trying to make me jealous and stuff (I am not a jealous person but I want respect the same way I give it)

    I went out kissed one girl and had taken a pic of us togeather then had another girl in my house that I kissed but did not sleep with but I had taken a pic of her in my bed. So I sent them to someone that i knew would show her.

    The next couple of days she comes out of her silent treatment saying that she really loved me and how could she possibly get back with me now that all these people have seen the pics. She even got the same tattoo as me and sent picture messeges of it…

    She then told me that I will always be in her heart but 1 month later starts putting pics of how happy she is with her new boyfriend on facebook. It had been 8 months since the break up and I still think about her, I have been with other girls but nothing serious.

    I do go into her facebook now and then and she favourites thinks we used to do and has favourited movies we have went to see togeather.. ( why is she doing that? )

    She can’t contact me as I have changed my number and removed my Facebook now but I think she knows I look now and again.

    At the end on the phone I was angry and told her I had no feelings for her and she told me she loved this new guy and she wanted to treat him right..

    I wonder if she does.

    I would never go back to it.

    • Tania

      July 30, 2015 at 3:24 pm Reply

      Checking in on some of these characteristics. I know this person I met was very derogatory and condescending towards others, but didn’t fit all the areas of criteria. He would often say he didn’t care about others, and they had to make him care about them, but he wanted people to like him. He’d go out of his way to either start arguments with coworkers, or make them laugh, depending on his mood. He said he wanted people to like him but he was laughing on the outside and crying on the inside. (That seemed like a really weird statement to me.) He told one of my friends he’s only intersted in “the thrill of the chase” and he would go around hitting on every attractive female at work around Valentine’s Day. It struck me that he doesn’t seem to have any concrete friendships and randomly talks to a lot of various different people about himself every now and then. It also seems to be just him trying to get random validation/attention. We ended up bonding over shared interests and he told me his father was an alcoholic and abusive, and he had brain cancer at one point that he had to battle, and I felt really bad for him, and I feel that he manipulated me into feeling sorry for him. He convinced me to date him and there seemed to be this cold, vacant interior to him that I had never ever seen before. When we were together physically it was cold and rather mechanical, although he was a very good kisser. He wanted to do everything at certain times, in a kind of routine, and he preferred if we didn’t break the routine. When I started to move in, he would not let me move in a lot of my items. When he broke up with me he stated he was confused and he didn’t have romantic feelings for me after all, ever after telling me several times that he had taken down “his walls” for me and that he loved me, and that I was special, and this was after I denied him a night of being together physically because I was too tired. At first he seemed upset, after the break up, but for some reason asked why I didn’t get mad at him (I was crying a lot) and I said it would do no good. Later when I saw him at work he actually smiled at me while I was crying, and the look in his eyes creeped me out. After I tried to get closure, he was remarkably cold and disinterested in what I had to say. He kept asking me if I had closure and trying to get me to leave because I was crying again. I said I wanted to be friends and he said he would like that, but when I tried to text him he’d never answer, and kept saying it was “too soon” which is something he has maintained. I had deleted him off of Facebook and he would not re-add me. He also didn’t seem to want to answer me when I talked to him at work about this and I had to force it out of him. I don’t really talk to him anymore because I think he is at least toxic, if not a complete narcissist. What do you think?

      • Jodi Styles

        November 22, 2016 at 1:54 pm Reply

        my now ex N. told me all the time that he demands respect from me, my last words to him walking out the door was BTW dumb ass, you earn respect you cant demand it. we were married for 20 years. don’t ever stay with a narcissist, they will rip you of your dignity.


  • JulianneUK

    March 13, 2015 at 3:19 pm Reply

    Oh dear.
    I’m having an afternoon of reading about narcissism…and the more I read, the more I know I am a textbook case!
    I met him online…..he ‘love bombed me’…..checked in all the time with little notes and emails……It turned into a longer relationship where I became the long distance version of Miss Marple, honing my detective skills as I realised something was definitely ‘amiss’. The sex….gawd, let’s not even go there 🙁
    I am currently in the being discarded phase and oh my goodness…what a contrast 🙁 I am now a psycho bitch (one of the politer terms)….and much more 🙁
    Only one good thing…I have retained my sense of humour, and boy I’m gonna need it! 🙂

    • SuziQ

      May 11, 2016 at 11:03 am Reply

      Hi Zari,

      The more I read about this, the more I realize that I am a textbook case…My aha moment came from talking to his ex wife. She had been discarded and then he was hoovering and started talking to her while I was getting the silent treatment. I reached out to her and was amazed how our stories matched. He has since come back to me. I discarded him but have not been able to do the ‘No Contact’ yet. I am working on it. He keeps coming back and asking me to take him back. Thank you for the reinforcement I need to go ‘No contact’. I keep reading this site over and over again. I hope to be completely clean of my ‘N’ addiction soon.

  • Cristina

    January 26, 2015 at 2:31 pm Reply

    Does the narcissist know he/she is a narcissist?

    • Zari Ballard

      February 2, 2015 at 9:58 am Reply

      Cristina asked….Does the narcissist know he/she is a narcissist?

      Hi Cristina,

      I believe that narcissists and sociopaths know that they are different from most others in the world but until we tell them so, they don’t have a name for it. When I first blurted it out in the middle of a fight “You’re just a fucking narcissist!” – my ex didn’t respond at all. Instead, he started googling the word and figuring it out…in other words, he became fascinated by his own freaky disorder (just as a good narcissist would!). You see, when I say that they know they are different, it’s more like What the hell is wrong with the rest of this world? Why is everyone so emotional and attached to everyone? Too bad they can’t all be like me . Watching and studying the world around them is how they become so good at mimicking the emotions needed to get a desired result. Life is a game whereby the narcissist plays by an entirely different set of rules that everyone else on the game board. They compartmentalize everything and everyone so that no one thing or person in their life is any more important or less important than the next. It truly is bizarre and, in a way, very sad…but the fact that it’s sad should never be our problem. The bottom line is that narcissists can never be fixed and, therefore, we must separate from the madness!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Cristina

        February 2, 2015 at 3:07 pm Reply

        Thanks, Zari.
        Yeah, they sure are “different”, alright. It just amazes me how they all use the same tactics as if they went to a “Narcissism 101” class!
        One good thing that has come out of this is I feel I will never get ‘tricked’ by one of these types again now that I know the signs and understand how they operate.
        I still struggle a bit feeling bad that this person I thought I was so close to is nothing but a farce. I will start to get jealous that he is with someone else then have to remind myself what is really going on, and who he really IS. Then I feel sorry for her because I know what she is inevitably going to have to deal with. Unless you don’t mind being part of a harem, then dating a narc winds up being a total nightmare to any woman he will ever date.

        That is so typical how your ex responded when you called him a narcissist. They are so proud of themselves when they get us upset. I noticed that about the Narc I dated, also. There was more than one occasion when I expressed that I was hurt by something he had done or DIDN’T do… and he lit up light a light bulb all happy that he could affect my emotions in that way. It showed I cared about him so he only focused on the fact he could affect me. I could tell he didn’t feel bad at all for hurting my feelings! NO Contact and moving on with our lives is definitely the only thing to do.

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