Sex, Lies and The Narcissistic Personality

narcissists-lieRecognizing, for the first time, that your long-time lover has a narcissistic personality can be a devastating discovery. Narcissistic behaviors like the silent treatment are often catalysts for the discovery and for many, the shock never goes away, lingering long after the narcissist has given the Discard and disappeared to find other sources of supply. Often many years will pass during the relationship before the “good” partner finally even begins to do the research needed to validate his/her suspicions and put a label on the questionable behaviors of the other partner. With so much time invested in a relationship, it’s difficult to accept that the love you thought you shared with someone was, indeed, a farce….but the sad truth is that, with a narcissistic partner, a farce is all it can be.

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Someone with a narcissistic personality is very adept at getting exactly what they want out of a relationship – even if they have to bleed the other person dry. Sex, lies, and passive-aggressive manipulation are the three more powerful strategies in the narcissist’s arsenal of emotional weapons and he will use each one to prove just how expert a marksman he truly is. Having a narcissistic personality disorder means constantly having to search and seek out new and better means of supply to fulfill his/her relationship agenda. Since a narcissist is unable to feel remorse, guilt, sympathy, or empathy, the fact that his main source of supply (i.e. the loving partner) must often be destroyed and resurrected over and over again in order to keep him happy (and interested) matters not. The more the “good” partner suffers, the more alive the disordered partner feels – and around and around it goes.

The main point to remember about a partner with this disorder is that they can not ever be fixed – and nor do they care to be. Narcissists like themselves just the way they are. Narcissists have no problem abandoning families and loved ones and then acting as if these loyal individuals never existed. Often, a narcissist will disappear for weeks or months, only to reappear on the doorstep as if nothing happened. In my 13-year relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend, I accepted this behavior over and over even though it devastated me. Even now, two years after the final Discard, I can’t believe that I allowed that to happen. But I did. Hundreds of times. What narcissists do is manage down the relationship expectations of the victim to the point that the narcissist can pretty much come and go as he/she pleases without repercussions. It’s nothing short of severe emotional manipulation and abuse and you must always be aware of this.

Narcissism, unfortunately, has become an epidemic in today’s social networking lifestyles. These sexual and emotional predators enjoy the challenge of online dating where they can wear their masks quite a bit longer and catch the very vulnerable. Learning to recognize the signs/behaviors of the narcissistic personality can prevent the abuse from ever happening to you at all OR it will give you the confidence to finally and permanently go “no contact exit the game.

Do you suspect that your partner is a narcissist? If so, Zari Ballard’s book will either confirm your fears, give you the courage to exit the game, or both!

Grab a copy of “When Love is a Lie” from Amazon for only $3.99 OR click here to download the book in PDF. 

Recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and get on the road to recovery!

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45 Comments

  • Marilyn Atkinson

    November 14, 2016 at 6:59 am Reply

    Iam still in contact with my narcissistic friend? We had a relationship but it was too draining for me the devalue, the discard, wash, rinse and repeat#!!!! Now we have a sort of platonic friendship where he will text me about anything but not our relationship. He never talks sexually to me I told him I didn’t like it and I have set boundaries and limits we he seems to abide by. Then again I do not think my narcissist was high on the spectrum because some of the things you mention do not apply to him. I don’t know if he is a narcissist or has some other sort of personality disorder. I now get on better with him now that I don’t keep displaying my feelings for him and tell him that I love him because deep down I know I still do but I will never let him know that. I promised myself that he would not make me hate him and I don’t and I feel better for being like that with him because what is hate another negative emotion.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 15, 2016 at 12:26 pm Reply

      Hi Marilyn,

      My guess is to keep on doing what you are doing – keeping sex or anything sexual out of it. This will keep you from getting the full-on effect of his behaviors that you obviously felt before. The last thing you want to do is feel that again, right? Having said that, you have to decide if it’s a “friendship” worth keeping at all. His intentions – as well as his definition of what “friendship” really is – will always be different than yours. You certainly don’t have to “hate” him at all but you do have to watch how much energy you put into any relationship when you’re not getting anything in return of value.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Marilyn Atkinson

        November 16, 2016 at 2:19 am Reply

        Thank you for that Zari. My contact with him is infrequent to say the least. I had just had enough of him to be fair. I am an educated woman and hold down an important position. I really didn’t have time for his silly games and I told him that. I am now seeing someone who is so far away from Roy’s narcissistic love it feels wonderful. I don’t know what he was Zari narcissist or whatever else but I now know he wasn’t my reality. Love to all Marilyn

      • Marilyn Atkinson

        November 17, 2016 at 5:00 am Reply

        Hi Zari as I said in my earlier reply to thank you. I have just ordered your book When love is a lie from Amazon just to set myself straight about narcissism. As I do not know if my former boyfriend was or wasn’t. I think if I read your book I may find out things that yes he was a narcissist. He certainly had some traits but not all of them but maybe I was just being selective in wanting to see only what I wanted to. I will give you some feedback when I have read the book. Marilyn xxxx

        • Zari Ballard

          November 17, 2016 at 6:12 pm Reply

          Hi Marilyn,

          I hope you enjoy it! Believe me, if your ex is a narc, you’ll see yourself on every page. I just finished another little book called Narcissism In a Nutshell which lists and describes the 13 most blatant behaviors of a narcissistic partner. I think maybe I’ll send it to you in PDF to the email that you use to post your comments. It will give you a jumpstart! Watch for it….

          Be sure to send me your feedback here and also to post a review on Amazon. It really gets the message out. Remember that knowledge really IS power and that recovery, in these types of relationship situations, is really a team effort:) I’m here to support you…

          Zari xoxo

  • Marilyn Atkinson

    November 13, 2016 at 12:58 pm Reply

    I left my narcissistic ex weeks ago and do nc. Since I put into play nc I have been bombarded with texts I miss you, I love you, I will stop playing games with you which tells me he knows exactly what he is doing. No my darling you will never stop playing your f…..g games because that is your sad little life and will be till the day you die. You are not worthy of my love, my time, my presence, you are not my reality you sad bastard. Love to all who are suffering you will see your day with your monster like I have. Marilyn x

  • Tara

    September 25, 2016 at 9:18 pm Reply

    I just broke up with my narcissist tonight. He ironically discarded me because he didn’t like my reaction when I found out he had been lying and hiding other women he’d been texting that he met on okcupid. This was the fifth time I caught him in a year. And I kept relapsing and taking him back. I miss him right away. I would’ve never tolerated cheating ever in the past and I’ve let him do this so many times and I just kept giving him love. More and more love hoping he’d stop. He has manipulated me to the point that I was begging him not to leave me tonight. Bawling my eyes out begging him. I love him and I was begging him to stay. It was pathetic. I’m in so much pain. II’ve read all the books and websites and researched NPD to death. I know what it is, I know that he had every single “symptom”. I know I was abused but he has messed with my head so incredibly much that all I want to do is run to him right now. I know it’s wrong but the pain is so bad. He made me feel like it was all my fault. He told me it was all my fault. When I read your book, I highlighted any sentence or part that directly described what he did to me and the whole book is yellow highlighted. Even with all that knowledge I feel addicted and can’t stop crying. None of my friends understand what I’m going through. They don’t understand how deeply deeply hurt I am. Or why I want him back. I know he’s bad but why am I wanting him so much? Why is it hurting so much? How am I going to be strong enough to stay away for good?

    • Zari Ballard

      October 7, 2016 at 8:28 pm Reply

      Hi Tara,

      Thank you for writing and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. You will recover from this, I promise, but you have to give yourself a break. We become attached to the perpetrator in the same way that hostages become weirdly attached to their kidnappers. And, no, nobody but someone who has experienced it will ever understand. You have to change your perspective of the situation and this takes time and determination. At some point you simply have to ask yourself if this is way that you want to spend the rest of your life, girl.

      Please read through the articles on this site because they will help get you through it. Also, be sure to read the comments below each article because you will see literally thousands of stories just like your own. We are all here to support you. If you feel like talking about it, I can give you a boost toward recovery so please consider a consultation. There are many options and you don’t have to feel isolated or alone in this at all. We all understand.

      Stay strong, sister. You are perfect just the way that you are:)

      Zari xo

    • Broken-train wreck

      November 16, 2016 at 12:32 am Reply

      Tara,
      Hi, I too have recently begged on my hands and knees one more chance! And his response was,Why? You’ll just do it again. Because you just keep getting worse, and worse, & worse.” So no forgiveness, the next day as I went about my business ignoring him. He texted me from work like nothing ever happened. As usual. Then a day later he told me about how “his ex just kept getting worse and worse and worse. Until he finally got a divorce.” And it dawned on me that he said that same thing to to me. The crazy thing is, that I met his ex before she was his ex. And she really was as bad as he says. So that’s why I am so confused! As well as the fact that everyone keeps saying that an N doesn’t have any empathy nor can they love. And anow exceptional list of other things that my possible N’s personality does not fit into the criteria. Because he is capable of empathy and can love. Because I do believe that N truly loved me until my attention got diverted in another direction. Thenot he changed. So I believe that as long as he is the only one that I love and pay attention to, he is faithful to and spends all of his time with. But I don’t know if I can get his love back. Or if I even want to.

  • Grace

    September 16, 2016 at 8:54 pm Reply

    I met Cliff on plenty o fish 12/15. On our first meet, he never made eye contact. I asked why he’d never married at age 50, and he made a joke. I could tell he was not into me. I was surprised when he called the next day for another date! I said no because there’s no chemistry. He excused it by saying he’s shy, and he said “I will treat you like a queen if I’m lucky enough to date you.’

    What followed was his insistence that we be exclusive. Little did I know that only restricted my dating others, not him. He would text 30 times a day and profess to miss me, but make no effort to see me. Why did I continue? I am 56 and divorced many years. Ive never had continued attention from men I’ve dated casually, let alone a request for exclusivity.

    I ended our situation when he had an affair with my friend and denied it. She told me the truth. He lied constantly about not seeing others, only to be caught in lies. He refused to let me come to his house because he had two roommates, one is a woman. Well, it’s his house, they’re paid boarders! No sensible man prefers to pay $125 for a motel room for intimacy for a few hours when his own home is five minutes away, or let his sex life be impeded by boarders. He claims the woman isn’t a fwb but he lies constantly. He later lied and claimed I was welcome there any time, which is very false.

    I told him goodbye, and I believe this time he has several hot replacements that have his attention, because he only tried emailing me five days after no contact. Before, he would blow up my phone with dozens of messages.

    He really got under my skin. I pity any woman who is conned by him. He’s definitely not all that!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 25, 2016 at 11:20 am Reply

      Hi Grace,

      Wow…be glad that you are free of THAT creature, girl. He sounds like the typical narcissistic predator on Plenty-o-Fish and let the other girls have at him. Shake yourself off and get back in the swing. Block him and refuse contact no matter what. He shouldn’t be abler to toss you a text whenever he feels like it – and, believe me, he WILL try at some point and when you least expect it just like they all do. Leave no doors ajar…like you say, HE’S DEFINITELY NOT ALL THAT!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Judy

    April 6, 2016 at 6:39 pm Reply

    I’m just fed up with it all it drains the life from me the constant games changing the rule so they always seem to get to win. I’m seriously having to be in constant conflict with the narc to.get anything I would.like even.getting them to agree to anything is a battle a conflict having to really stand up and be justified when you know your right and the are wrong. I really need to get these books I feel lost plus it’s just getting alot worse. I can’t stand to be around this person it’s a real bad feeling of dread it has cause. It’s not a good vibe of energy being manipulated and emotionally controlled really gets me so down. Note to self p.smust invest in this book : ).I just pray it for any help. I’ve even cut all my hair off like the woman in the film bitter moon. Someone said if you cut your own hair it means you’ll start afresh. Either that or I’ve gone totally bananas from the stress of being driven insane by the constant mind games Fingers crossed he just goes a long walk and gets lost. Hate his bloody guts.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 8, 2016 at 5:42 pm Reply

      Judy wrote…. Someone said if you cut your own hair it means you’ll start afresh. Either that or I’ve gone totally bananas from the stress of being driven insane by the constant mind games

      I don’t know who told you that but it’s YOUR interpretation that’s true. It doesn’t work that way. You have to be feeling good FIRST and then cutting your hair becomes a symbol of empowerment…of you happily starting over. If you cut it all off while you’re still feeling sick and wounded, that is typically NOT a good sign. Girl, you need to book a talk with me. Something has to give here…worried about you.

      Zari xo

      • Judy

        April 13, 2016 at 7:27 pm Reply

        Hi thanks for the reply no need to worry Zari but thanks that’s so kind. I’m trying to learn not to react to the games or being drawn into them by the way I react. Someone wrote that they would focus on themselves and less on the narc they don’t like it when we are happy and content with ourselfs. I found this to be true but the things I’ve learned and I now see it for what it is and them for what they are. Yes I cut my hair it felt great zari Dont want to blow my ow trumpet but I’ve learned I’m abit more smarter than all my narc :p that’s why I’ve not gone completely bananas : ) took a while to figure it all out Zaria and I shall get you’re books. That’s just it they like to play the guessing game and other games they are very childish and clever at that but not very smart but they can be dangerously messed up. No point in wasting time trying to figure them out you’ll be forever trying to figure them out and what they do who they really are. And time is perseus it’s not forever but my time is mine. I found that these kind of people do take alot of time up without us even realising it. But once realised that I’ve got to be the grown up when dealing with a narc. It’s Very difficult they’ll never change. Just got to remember they are what they are. Thanks Zaria. x

  • degina utt

    April 2, 2016 at 2:04 am Reply

    i married my 3rd husband.he was a virgin,he had been raised in christian schools.very strict family.we dated 2yrs in secret he was scared of his parents reaction.when we married he acted like he fell in shower cause he was scared of sex.after sex he would feel it was a dirty sin.he would ignore me.we would be going to church he would get mad pull over throw the keys in the woods!he would quit his job an go to bed for days as i begged him to talk he would say shut up leave me alone.i was a cna paying all bills he ran a cash register at a meat market he tithed his hole check said if he didnt hed look like a goon.i would iron his shirt hed say collar wasnt right an throw his shirt an go back to bed.he had to call his parents everday an tell them how i made him mad when we went to church an he shook hands with pastor he was so nice we got out of church his tone changed our air was out in car i couldnt roll down windows til we got off lot cause he said wed look like goons!i finally called his parents an said come get him!he threw his keys in woods again! now hes met a older lady with grandkids,she probably draws disability cooks country meals has her own house hes got photos on facebook people comment how happy he looks this woman post:im so blessed to have this man in my life! they r marrying in april ever photo of them is a place i took him for the first time. they disgust me but why am i looking at them on social media? why am i angry! help me please

    • Zari Ballard

      April 14, 2016 at 2:03 am Reply

      Hi Degina,

      Now, I don’t know enough about this guy to say he’s a full-blown narcissist but what I DO know (from what you’ve shared) is that he’s 1) a BULLY, 2) a BULLY and a user, 3) a BULLY, a user, and a church con man…oh and did I say he’s a BULLY??? Good God…he sounds very strange. Honestly, I’m not so sure about that “virgin” thing and same goes for the “dirty-sex” claims that he was making…but you never know. I do have a feeling that there’s something odd about his parental ties but I don’t know what it is…something seems “off”. I’m also not sure if he really tithed his whole check….did you SEE him tithe his whole check every week or did he just TELL you that’s what he was doing? If you actually saw him doing this, HE IS A SICK MAN, GIRL. Quitting his job and going to bed for days…he’s either a big crybaby or he’s got some kind of depressive disorder. BUT WHO CARES??? LET HIM GET MARRIED….HE IS A CREEPY PERSON.

      Look, can you go to a different church? Can you avoid anyone and everyone that you know will happily give you updates on his whereabouts and what he’s doing? Cut the ties that bind. You know those keys will be in the woods again…this is no innocent dude. HE is, in fact, a GOON to beat all GOONS. All narcs make themselves appear to be so happy on FB…it’s really silly and, yes, you need to stay away from it. When I stopped looking, so much of my anxiety and angst went away. This is where that saying “what we don’t know won’t hurt us” comes in very handy.

      You’re angry because of the wasted time and the wasted vows AND THAT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL. It’s much better to be mad than sad, my friend. From here on in, I’d skip the marriage part and keep it simple. I don’t know what town you’re in but I picture it small where everyone knows each other’s business. I hope that I am wrong and that you can pull away, creating distance between you and ALL of the nonsense.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Jane Louise

    November 8, 2015 at 8:49 am Reply

    it is the lies which make recovery so long, so hurtful and different from other relationships. After my relationship I discovered that it he is a classic narcissist, silent treatments, controlling my wardrobe through comments and controlling my social circle (he made it impossible we meet up with mine).
    I was deeply unhappy but couldn’t put a finger on why.
    He accused me of ignoring him if I wasn’t able to answer my phone immediately, yet he was gone for days with focusing on his work.
    Once I went no contact I was open to understanding how I ended up in such a frightening relationship. The hurt compounded by a new supply instantly. After a good six months no contact he broke through, proof he cheats but he doesn’t see it like that. I worked out that one discard arrived when he was already in full swing of another relationship.
    The Hoover stopped abruptly, so I checked his online profiles and sure enough he is active and clearly grooming another victim. He has his current supply, me and various online supply lines all on the go. He so boyishly innocent, sweet and fun when you first meet but the truth is he is manipulative, untrustworthy, very spiteful, jealous, judgemental and comes with psychotic rages once you are under the spell. All of us are vulnerable to these people, they lie and there is no way to detect it because they believe own their lies themselves despite all of the evidence they deny and blame others.
    hard to get your head round the lie factor once release they rolled you over for no logical reason or purpose. The motivation is what exactly ?

  • christen carter

    September 7, 2015 at 7:38 am Reply

    All articles are 100% true and complete eye openers . thank you !!!

    • Zari Ballard

      September 12, 2015 at 12:16 am Reply

      Your welcome, Christen, and thank you for reading!

      Zari xo

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