Sex, Lies and The Narcissistic Personality

narcissists-lieRecognizing, for the first time, that your long-time lover has a narcissistic personality can be a devastating discovery. Narcissistic behaviors like the silent treatment are often catalysts for the discovery and for many, the shock never goes away, lingering long after the narcissist has given the Discard and disappeared to find other sources of supply. Often many years will pass during the relationship before the “good” partner finally even begins to do the research needed to validate his/her suspicions and put a label on the questionable behaviors of the other partner. With so much time invested in a relationship, it’s difficult to accept that the love you thought you shared with someone was, indeed, a farce….but the sad truth is that, with a narcissistic partner, a farce is all it can be.

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Someone with a narcissistic personality is very adept at getting exactly what they want out of a relationship – even if they have to bleed the other person dry. Sex, lies, and passive-aggressive manipulation are the three more powerful strategies in the narcissist’s arsenal of emotional weapons and he will use each one to prove just how expert a marksman he truly is. Having a narcissistic personality disorder means constantly having to search and seek out new and better means of supply to fulfill his/her relationship agenda. Since a narcissist is unable to feel remorse, guilt, sympathy, or empathy, the fact that his main source of supply (i.e. the loving partner) must often be destroyed and resurrected over and over again in order to keep him happy (and interested) matters not. The more the “good” partner suffers, the more alive the disordered partner feels – and around and around it goes.

The main point to remember about a partner with this disorder is that they can not ever be fixed – and nor do they care to be. Narcissists like themselves just the way they are. Narcissists have no problem abandoning families and loved ones and then acting as if these loyal individuals never existed. Often, a narcissist will disappear for weeks or months, only to reappear on the doorstep as if nothing happened. In my 13-year relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend, I accepted this behavior over and over even though it devastated me. Even now, two years after the final Discard, I can’t believe that I allowed that to happen. But I did. Hundreds of times. What narcissists do is manage down the relationship expectations of the victim to the point that the narcissist can pretty much come and go as he/she pleases without repercussions. It’s nothing short of severe emotional manipulation and abuse and you must always be aware of this.

Narcissism, unfortunately, has become an epidemic in today’s social networking lifestyles. These sexual and emotional predators enjoy the challenge of online dating where they can wear their masks quite a bit longer and catch the very vulnerable. Learning to recognize the signs/behaviors of the narcissistic personality can prevent the abuse from ever happening to you at all OR it will give you the confidence to finally and permanently go “no contact exit the game.

Do you suspect that your partner is a narcissist? If so, Zari Ballard’s book will either confirm your fears, give you the courage to exit the game, or both!

Grab a copy of “When Love is a Lie” from Amazon for only $3.99 OR click here to download the book in PDF. 

Recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and get on the road to recovery!

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47 Comments

  • rogo

    April 9, 2017 at 3:38 am Reply

    what if the narcissist is your mother??

    • Zari Ballard

      April 9, 2017 at 5:46 pm Reply

      Hi Rogo,

      In my mind, having a narcissistic parent – especially when it’s your mom – must be horrible and I’m sorry if you are going through that. I speak with people often who struggle with this in their life and it’s not easy. It depends a lot on how old a person is and whether they can leave the home and sometimes how far they can get. If there are grandchildren, this can cause a whole other set of problems because the narc grandma is either missing all together (which isn’t always bad) or completely in your business (always bad!).

      The truth is that dealing with a narcissist mom has got to be about changing your perspective and not allowing her to “hurt” you (no matter how hard she tries). Even though she’s your mom, you have to remove the “personal” aspect and treat her, in many ways (but not all), like any other narcissist. Sometimes, if the situation is conducive, you have to cut the ties completely. She can’t be allowed to interfere in your own family if you have one. You’d have to put your foot down no matter what the consequences…take a stand for your own life.

      It’s very difficult, I know, and you just inspired me to write an article about this. It’s a delicate balance to deal with a narcissistic parent and the reasons are obvious. But you, as a true and loving person, deserve to be happy and there truly are strategies to help you find that. I’m happy to support you….stay strong, my friend…

      Zari:)

  • Marilyn Atkinson

    November 14, 2016 at 6:59 am Reply

    Iam still in contact with my narcissistic friend? We had a relationship but it was too draining for me the devalue, the discard, wash, rinse and repeat#!!!! Now we have a sort of platonic friendship where he will text me about anything but not our relationship. He never talks sexually to me I told him I didn’t like it and I have set boundaries and limits we he seems to abide by. Then again I do not think my narcissist was high on the spectrum because some of the things you mention do not apply to him. I don’t know if he is a narcissist or has some other sort of personality disorder. I now get on better with him now that I don’t keep displaying my feelings for him and tell him that I love him because deep down I know I still do but I will never let him know that. I promised myself that he would not make me hate him and I don’t and I feel better for being like that with him because what is hate another negative emotion.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 15, 2016 at 12:26 pm Reply

      Hi Marilyn,

      My guess is to keep on doing what you are doing – keeping sex or anything sexual out of it. This will keep you from getting the full-on effect of his behaviors that you obviously felt before. The last thing you want to do is feel that again, right? Having said that, you have to decide if it’s a “friendship” worth keeping at all. His intentions – as well as his definition of what “friendship” really is – will always be different than yours. You certainly don’t have to “hate” him at all but you do have to watch how much energy you put into any relationship when you’re not getting anything in return of value.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • Marilyn Atkinson

        November 16, 2016 at 2:19 am Reply

        Thank you for that Zari. My contact with him is infrequent to say the least. I had just had enough of him to be fair. I am an educated woman and hold down an important position. I really didn’t have time for his silly games and I told him that. I am now seeing someone who is so far away from Roy’s narcissistic love it feels wonderful. I don’t know what he was Zari narcissist or whatever else but I now know he wasn’t my reality. Love to all Marilyn

      • Marilyn Atkinson

        November 17, 2016 at 5:00 am Reply

        Hi Zari as I said in my earlier reply to thank you. I have just ordered your book When love is a lie from Amazon just to set myself straight about narcissism. As I do not know if my former boyfriend was or wasn’t. I think if I read your book I may find out things that yes he was a narcissist. He certainly had some traits but not all of them but maybe I was just being selective in wanting to see only what I wanted to. I will give you some feedback when I have read the book. Marilyn xxxx

        • Zari Ballard

          November 17, 2016 at 6:12 pm Reply

          Hi Marilyn,

          I hope you enjoy it! Believe me, if your ex is a narc, you’ll see yourself on every page. I just finished another little book called Narcissism In a Nutshell which lists and describes the 13 most blatant behaviors of a narcissistic partner. I think maybe I’ll send it to you in PDF to the email that you use to post your comments. It will give you a jumpstart! Watch for it….

          Be sure to send me your feedback here and also to post a review on Amazon. It really gets the message out. Remember that knowledge really IS power and that recovery, in these types of relationship situations, is really a team effort:) I’m here to support you…

          Zari xoxo

  • Marilyn Atkinson

    November 13, 2016 at 12:58 pm Reply

    I left my narcissistic ex weeks ago and do nc. Since I put into play nc I have been bombarded with texts I miss you, I love you, I will stop playing games with you which tells me he knows exactly what he is doing. No my darling you will never stop playing your f…..g games because that is your sad little life and will be till the day you die. You are not worthy of my love, my time, my presence, you are not my reality you sad bastard. Love to all who are suffering you will see your day with your monster like I have. Marilyn x

  • Tara

    September 25, 2016 at 9:18 pm Reply

    I just broke up with my narcissist tonight. He ironically discarded me because he didn’t like my reaction when I found out he had been lying and hiding other women he’d been texting that he met on okcupid. This was the fifth time I caught him in a year. And I kept relapsing and taking him back. I miss him right away. I would’ve never tolerated cheating ever in the past and I’ve let him do this so many times and I just kept giving him love. More and more love hoping he’d stop. He has manipulated me to the point that I was begging him not to leave me tonight. Bawling my eyes out begging him. I love him and I was begging him to stay. It was pathetic. I’m in so much pain. II’ve read all the books and websites and researched NPD to death. I know what it is, I know that he had every single “symptom”. I know I was abused but he has messed with my head so incredibly much that all I want to do is run to him right now. I know it’s wrong but the pain is so bad. He made me feel like it was all my fault. He told me it was all my fault. When I read your book, I highlighted any sentence or part that directly described what he did to me and the whole book is yellow highlighted. Even with all that knowledge I feel addicted and can’t stop crying. None of my friends understand what I’m going through. They don’t understand how deeply deeply hurt I am. Or why I want him back. I know he’s bad but why am I wanting him so much? Why is it hurting so much? How am I going to be strong enough to stay away for good?

    • Zari Ballard

      October 7, 2016 at 8:28 pm Reply

      Hi Tara,

      Thank you for writing and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. You will recover from this, I promise, but you have to give yourself a break. We become attached to the perpetrator in the same way that hostages become weirdly attached to their kidnappers. And, no, nobody but someone who has experienced it will ever understand. You have to change your perspective of the situation and this takes time and determination. At some point you simply have to ask yourself if this is way that you want to spend the rest of your life, girl.

      Please read through the articles on this site because they will help get you through it. Also, be sure to read the comments below each article because you will see literally thousands of stories just like your own. We are all here to support you. If you feel like talking about it, I can give you a boost toward recovery so please consider a consultation. There are many options and you don’t have to feel isolated or alone in this at all. We all understand.

      Stay strong, sister. You are perfect just the way that you are:)

      Zari xo

    • Broken-train wreck

      November 16, 2016 at 12:32 am Reply

      Tara,
      Hi, I too have recently begged on my hands and knees one more chance! And his response was,Why? You’ll just do it again. Because you just keep getting worse, and worse, & worse.” So no forgiveness, the next day as I went about my business ignoring him. He texted me from work like nothing ever happened. As usual. Then a day later he told me about how “his ex just kept getting worse and worse and worse. Until he finally got a divorce.” And it dawned on me that he said that same thing to to me. The crazy thing is, that I met his ex before she was his ex. And she really was as bad as he says. So that’s why I am so confused! As well as the fact that everyone keeps saying that an N doesn’t have any empathy nor can they love. And anow exceptional list of other things that my possible N’s personality does not fit into the criteria. Because he is capable of empathy and can love. Because I do believe that N truly loved me until my attention got diverted in another direction. Thenot he changed. So I believe that as long as he is the only one that I love and pay attention to, he is faithful to and spends all of his time with. But I don’t know if I can get his love back. Or if I even want to.

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