Narcissists, Sex, & the No-Preference World

When it comes to narcissists and sex, we have to understand that the narcissist has no preference in who they fuck. No preference at all. In fact, a narcissist lives in a world of no-preference where he/she finds something fuckable in everybody. Once we understand and accept this, we see clearly that the problem isn’t us and that no amount of great sex that we have as a couple is ever going to change it. Yes, my friends, no back flip, triple sow-cow, or handspring cartwheel on our part will ever secure us as his preference over anything – ever. It’s simply not going to happen.

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zari - narcissist-abuse-supportAs I’ve explained before, my ex narc and I had amazing, over-the-top sex each and every time for 13-years straight. We even enjoyed a round of great sex on that very last day four years ago – the day that he walked out and basically never came back. For most of the years up until that point, it was this awesome sex phenomenon that caused me the greatest confusion. How can we have such terrific sex yet I still can’t kick the feeling that if the opportunity arises to fuck someone else, he’ll take it? It just doesn’t make any sense.

The truth, however, is that it does make sense. In fact, it makes perfect sense when you really examine how a narcissist thinks about relationships and about people in general. A normal person in a normal relationship is usually attracted to a certain type of person. This could mean that, for a guy, he likes blondes or brunettes or girls with big boobs or no boobs or whatever. For a girl, it could mean she likes men who are tall or who have an athletic build. The partners of these people usually come pretty damn close to matching that preference and we can assume that if and when these people choose to cheat, the person that they cheat with is going to match that preference as well.  If we’re involved with these “normal” people, we assume that if our partner cheats this “other” person is going to look…well…kinda like us, right? This is simply how it normally works and there’s no rocket science involved.

The narcissist, on the other hand, has no preference at all as to who he hangs out with. This is why we’re always shocked when we actually get a look at who it is they cheat on us with or who the partner is of a married narcissist. I hear it day in and day out and I went through it myself. In my mind, the other woman or whomever he would triangulate me with must certainly at least look like me or dress like me but that was never the case. At first, the discovery would make me feel better. As time passed, however, I became mortified as it slowly dawned on me that he had no preference at all. Suddenly, everyone everywhere was a threat! Tall, short, fat, skinny, blonde, or brunette…everywhere I looked, I saw competition. Yet, the great sex continued and I imagined it as the almighty connection that would always keep us together. Wrong again.

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The fact that the narcissist has no preference may also lead us to wonder (ever so quietly) if the narcissist perhaps swings both ways. All the homophobic rhetoric that a narcissist spews whenever necessary and when the subject arises suddenly means nothing. In fact, the more rhetoric my ex spewed about this gay guy or that gay guy or some sexual fetish or deviance, the more suspicious I became. All at once, I would put nothing past him. Not that he would EVER admit to such a thing or that I ever really had a reason to think that…it was just a feeling I got every once in awhile when he would disappear and there was no other girl to be found. I’ve come to believe that, because the typical narc would never admit to this particular behavior or take chances on being caught, narcissists who are curious about swinging both ways or periodically even do it, will go underground to places we’d never even think to look for them – let alone find them – in order to get it done.

My thinking is that narcissists don’t have preferences because they don’t feel loyalty and attachment. They simply don’t care about anything in particular. This is why they can swing both ways upside down and backwards without blinking an eye. This is why a narcissistic partner will leave you to go live or hang out in a place that is far beneath what you have to offer. One woman I spoke to was shocked that her narcissistic husband would leave her and the children and their beautiful home only to shack up with some girl in a trailer on the worst side of town. My ex did the same thing. He’d disappear from my upscale apartment in the mountains and two weeks later I’d find him living at a No-Tell Motel looking perfectly smug and comfortable. This is mind-boggling narcissistic behavior that only proves that a narcissist does not and will never know what he has no matter how good it is. He simply doesn’t care either way.

Narcissists are sexual opportunists who see the world as filled to the brim with opportunities and they’re always looking. We just happen to have been an opportunity that, for whatever reason, stuck after the initial encounter. And hell – since the narc has no preference whether we stay or go – he might as well let us hang around! This is indifference on a very grand scale yet, as is loving partner, we refuse to see it for what it is. Nothing is normal about any of it! To think that we can keep these people happy with love, comfort and great sex is our biggest misstep in the relationship and it will inevitably be our demise.

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Now, the good news – and yes there IS good news – out of all this is that the narcissist’s infidelity and no-preference behavior has nothing to do with us and we can walk away from the whole mess blame-free. We don’t have to worry what the new girl has that we don’t or why we weren’t good enough or if the narcissist is truly happy now because none of that matters! And because nothing matters, we don’t even have to forgive this person – he doesn’t deserve it.

As I always say, since the narcissist admits to nothing, we have to be confident in the truth that we know and go forth. Make no mistake about it – there is a world of people out there that appreciate everything about you!







  • Cheryl

    March 29, 2017 at 8:09 pm Reply

    Dear Zari: Wow, great article and also describes exactly what I went through and how I felt. The “no preference” is a very plausible explanation of that behavior. My narc and I also had off the chart sex and in fact, just like you, we had a real intense romp the very last night, before he walked out of my life. I too wrote a poem Zari when I was really deeply depressed and profoundly sad, I called it Memories, I made the poem all about the things and places we had been and done together, it was straight from my heart, I too sent it too him thinking it would make a difference, of course that was before I fully realized what the heck had happened to me, that I had been shattered, my heart raped and my soul annihilated by a narcissist. Of course, he never responded to it. When I asked him if he received it, he said it was beautifully written and left it at that. My head was still spinning widely at that point. I also have another theory on the great, mind-blowing sex phenomenon and that is I feel that the narc is actually making love to themselves, you are just a vehicle, a body for them, they are so in love with themselves, they highly craft themselves on this skill as another means to hook you in, I don’t know if that makes any sense. I’m doing so much better and I feel stronger and healthier everyday, it’s people like you and blogs like this one that are sooooo helpful because no one really understands unless they experience it and I don’t wish the experience on anyone. Thank you Zari. I wish everyone on this blog peace and healing.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 9, 2017 at 6:31 pm Reply

      Right on all counts, Cheryl! Peace and healing to you too!…xo

  • MomR

    March 21, 2017 at 6:57 pm Reply

    My ex narc always referred to himself as a trysexual…he would try anything. I have seen the things he slept with, that’s the best way to describe them. The last one…the one that made him my ex, OMG I never thought of myself as beautiful, this one is the worst…no teeth, bleach blond hair, about 6ft tall and out weighs me by at least 100 lbs…he told me she was a whore, and she will do what ever he tells her to do…that ended it for me

    • Zari Ballard

      March 22, 2017 at 4:20 pm Reply

      MomR wrote…My ex narc always referred to himself as a trysexual…he would try anything. HILARIOUS & TOO PERFECT. TRYSEXUAL!!

      Okay, MomR, I’m using the term “trysexual” from now on! You made me laugh right out loud. Leave it to a narc to describe himself in such a unique way. It sounds like you know EXACTLY what I mean when I say narcs have no-preference at all. Hope that 6ft. bleach blond toothless Neanderthal works out for him! So glad that you’re free…

      “Trysexual” – I love it!!!

      Zari xo

  • Marie

    February 19, 2017 at 6:16 pm Reply

    This article was very interesting and I can relate to a lot of it. When I was dating my ex he was sharing with 3 guys initially when he started university. Once when I was staying there my ex was showering (he had OCD and took over an hour to shower etc) one of his flat mates told me they thought he was gay until they met me! I was embarrassed and thought it was because of how long he took to shower. He used to have pictures of near naked kickboxing men on his walls and he used to always turn and look at men in the street vocally admiring their bodies. I just thought this was his body building obsession. When we married he made me cut my hair short then he nearly always made me lie face down to have sex (vaginally). He hurt me a lot and never seemed to care in fact he got annoyed if I told him it hurt me. When I was pregnant he was cheating on me coming home at 10, 11 or 12pm after work. When I confronted him he called me paranoid and said he was working. His bosses wife told me he wasn’t at work when I said to her you’re working him too hard. He refused to move out to his brothers house 5mins down the rd. H kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant and locked me up for over an hr. He tried to have anal sex and I had to hit him to get him off me. One night I was tired and asleep by 8pm. He came to bed and got angry because I had made the bed with the sheets not high enough to cover his neck. He undid the sheets and flicked me onto the floor and sneered at me and demanded I remake the bed with the sheets high enough to cover his. I ended up having to leave my dog and cat behind and took my 8mth old daughter to live at my parents. That ended a nightmare as my mother very cold and nasty. My ex despised her. Later after divorcing him I stopped contact with my parents and my ex and his 3rd wife started having my parents over at their place. This was just to look good. My daughter told me the wife’s sister and mother rolled their eyes when my mother sang happy birthday loudly at my daughters birthday. My daughter said “I don’t know why they ask her over they don’t like your mum”! I knew it was to be able to say my ex is estranged from her parents but we see them. Just so they look wonderful. He despised my mother and used to deliberately come home late to miss seeing them when we were married.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 24, 2017 at 4:00 pm Reply

      Wow Marie,

      I am so glad you out of that situation but I am sorry that you still have to deal with it in such bizarre ways. You are exactly right WHY he has your parents over…just to prove a point, how tolerant he is and “accepting”…YUCK! Yes, he is a weird man and everything you describe represents, to me, a very deviant sexual side. We probably don’t even want to GUESS at what was really going on behind the scenes during your relationship and marriage.

      Thank you for sharing, sister, and I hope you find all the happiness that you so dearly deserve:)

      Zari xo

  • Jackie

    February 15, 2017 at 8:06 pm Reply

    All of these articles are really helping me lately. My ex moved on so fast. And I know comparing to the new partner is never good, even in normal breakups. But with a narcissist, who’s already confused the fuck out of you, broken you down over time, it’s especially baffling and gut wrenching when they move on. And move on fast. I thought his new girl was similar to me style wise and had sort of similar facial features, but then overall she had some differences or things about her and in general that he’d never seem to go for or contradicted what he described as preferring. But then I still thought “maybe she’s more like me than I thought though. Maybe she is his type”. But then I remembered the above. And every single one of his past girlfriends have been very different. Have had different interests. Different looks/styles. Backgrounds. Body types. He always described to me his ideal body type being a fatter ass and smaller boobs. And how I was perfect. Mmhmmm….

    Well I have an example of absolutely no preference and just wanting to have someone for his own benefit, convenience, and pleasure too. This happened when he once slipped during what was I guess supposed to be a compliment. He used this example to emphasize I suppose that I was definitely his type (even though clearly narcs don’t necessarily have one) where he described being in a relationship with a woman who he wasn’t even attracted to. He said she physically was not attractive to him. Her boobs were too large and she had a flat ass. He told me how when they had sex, he’d focus on other things. Like one time an episode of family guy was on and he even told me what episode it was and how he paid attention to that! WOW. No normal person would be with someone that they weren’t interested in or totally attracted to. But narcissistic people don’t care! They’ll go along with and into anything (and anyone) if it benefits them. Sick.

    I look back to the couple love letters he got while with me from long distance people. When I looked these people up, they also weren’t anything like what I’d imagine him with. Well, if I reflect, that’s because he didn’t care! These people were flirting with or emotionally giving him something for his ego and likewise. These women so fondly spoke of him. That “see we were meant to be!”. They adored him and appreciated him and were so happy he felt the same ways, mentioned how they texted and skyped every day and smiled each time their phone lit up with his name, and one went on about how she’d fly across the country for him if he ever needed anything and she knew he’d do the same for her. He had to be speaking in certain ways to these women for them to even feel THAT compelled to pour their guts out. And it’s gross he didn’t actually mean it! These people lived far away. These women probably didn’t even know he was in a relationship with me or that I existed either.

    When I found the one love letter to him months after it was written, I enjoy now after the fact how one of his justifications or odd comments was also, “I’m so unhappy, but talking to these women means nothing! I’m staying with you and I’m with you! even though I’m unhappy. I’m really trying here! doesn’t that say a lot?!” Hmmm. Yeah it says you’re selfish, creepy, shady among other things.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 24, 2017 at 4:42 pm Reply

      Hi Jackie,

      Sorry it took me so long to push your post through. I’ve been running behind, girl. I’m grateful that you found the articles helpful. It sounds like you get it…..and yes, these people are sick in the head. It’s a no-preference world to a narcissist and we make no difference to them – no difference at all!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Christine

    February 2, 2017 at 5:23 pm Reply

    Boy does this hit the nail on the head, yet again! A lot of times, survivors spend too much time blaming themselves for the narcissist’s cheating…wondering, “why am I not good enough?” Well, you ARE good enough for the RIGHT person! All of this nonsense only has to do with the narcissist’s disordered thinking, not you at all. You could give the narcissist someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model, is as brilliant as Marie Curie and as rich as Oprah Winfrey…and the narcissist would STILL eventually get bored with her and cheat on her with anyone else who came along, just for the thrill of something shiny and new. Shoot, I really think a narcissist would cheat on my beautiful, brilliant and rich example with someone ugly, stupid and poor, if the opportunity arose.

    Narcissists are hollow deep down inside, with an inability to ever form deeper emotional attachments. So they’re constantly seeking something “new” to try to fill that void inside them. So they’re open to anyone and everyone, without any real “preference”–they have to cast a wide net to constantly have something new. I’m willing to bet the next target was someone my exact opposite–or perhaps even another man (from what I saw and heard from him, I sometimes had a niggling doubt about his sexual orientation and wouldn’t even be surprised if he were ever with another guy. Not necessarily from being attracted to them as a gay man would be, but just for the novelty and switching things up from women).

    I’m so thankful to be done with that nonsense, and now married to a good man who leaves me with no doubt as to his devotion to me. A true partner goes out of his way to show loyalty, not cause you to question it. These cretins don’t operate like “normal” people, so stop applying “normal” standards of behavior to them. These creatures may have been in your past, but don’t have to be in your future.

    • Suzi

      February 3, 2017 at 10:42 am Reply

      Brilliant summary. Really important for women to make that mental leap from the torment of aspiration in trying mould and measure ourselves against an impossible fantasy goddess, when in actuality if they are female and have a pulse that will suffice to feed the narcissist’s insatiable needs.

      • Christine

        February 6, 2017 at 4:41 pm Reply

        Thanks Suzi! Your comment is really spot on. Instead of self-improvement, we should learn to cultivate self-respect…and know that we’re worth more than the narcissist’s narrow world.

        • Zari Ballard

          February 6, 2017 at 6:20 pm Reply

          I agree…self-respect instead of self-improvement! I “get it” and I think I’ll write an article about that. xoxo

  • Sue

    February 2, 2017 at 8:11 am Reply

    Many thanks for your response and refund that is greatly appreciated. I think your absolutely right I think the problem potentially was my end. Profuse apologies for the curt tone I was just frustrated with the communication channels not being viable and was very keen to finally get to speak with you directly. Our email contact has been invaluable and helped immensely on this long and relentless journey.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 2, 2017 at 8:24 pm Reply

      All good and I’m grateful we will get to speak after all! I am looking forward to it!….xo

    • noemail

      February 3, 2017 at 9:55 pm Reply

      It’s insane how true it is, and how mine would try to make me live up to that impossible ideal, yet like you said, I know a pulse and being female would have been enough. It does not help when you already have perfection issues. I wanted to live up to that so badly that it became like a job for me – how to be more more more – but now I am slowly healing and learning that I am enough and it’s ok to be ordinary because I am ALSO extraordinary.. I hate the internet and social media for creating this nightmare too …. now you can see who they like, follow, etc. Mine did that to triangulate me, make me feel insecure so much so that I was convinced that his hollow ass (he literally does have a skinny ass, too), was a player and able to capture these VS types.. meanwhile I was the best he’ll ever get, but he chipped away at my self-esteem with his covert abuse. NEVER AGAIN!! NO way. That life sucked the life out of me. Vampires who are insecure, empty and shallow pretending to be so much more and bringing full of life dynamic people who are sensitive and loving– down….

      • noemail

        February 3, 2017 at 9:56 pm Reply

        Zari – it’s me – in LA 🙂 Thanks for the great chat yesterday

        • Zari Ballard

          February 5, 2017 at 8:02 pm Reply

          It was awesome, girl! I’m here if you need me and you know that!

          Zari xoxox

  • Suzi

    February 1, 2017 at 11:47 am Reply

    Zari. I have send you numerous emails about our consultation slot and have paid in advance. As the communication channels you offer appear to be not viable I would appreciate you refund my fee ASAP.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 1, 2017 at 6:26 pm Reply

      Hi Sue,

      I have already sent you an email stating that I will send you a refund. Since you chose to make a statement here, I feel compelled to defend myself by saying that the lines of communication that I offer are VERY viable and I dare say that you are the only one in the UK that has ever had difficulty. I have been corresponding with you for months now both in email and here on the website, providing answers to your questions and trying to help. When you asked about consultations, I had explained long before Xmas that when I speak with people in the UK, Viber is a wonderful way to do it. The connection is crystal clear with no interruptions. You chose to wait until after the New Year which was fine and when you did make the advanced payment for a consultation (as everyone does), I worked with the time difference (7 hours) and your schedule and set a date for this past Friday at 4pm. Again, we corresponded about Viber but for some reason you basically refused to work with this application and instead requested that I download Whatsapp for our session which I did. On Friday, I was ready and waiting at 4pm but you were unable to get through. We tried for a half an hour and I texted for details so that I could try fixing it on my end but you claimed it was your service at the hotel that was the issue and it would be better if we connected this week. Now, here it is Wednesday and I expected that we would speak. Instead you’ve requested a refund which is no problem at all but the reason for it is not that there is no viable way to communicate. I speak with people in the UK more than I do in the states! However, two people must cooperate in order for it to happen. I was more than happy to be flexible no matter what.

      I hope that you find the support you are seeking. Hopefully, the few months of communications that we have been having via email and here have helped you in some way. Nothing about being with a narcissist is ever easy.


    • Zari Ballard

      February 2, 2017 at 8:22 pm Reply

      Just letting you know I have received your email and we’re all good! We’ll talk within the next couple of days. No worries, sister!….xo

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