Narcissists, Sex, & the No-Preference World

When it comes to narcissists and sex, we have to understand that the narcissist has no preference in who they fuck. No preference at all. In fact, a narcissist lives in a world of no-preference where he/she finds something fuckable in everybody. Once we understand and accept this, we see clearly that the problem isn’t us and that no amount of great sex that we have as a couple is ever going to change it. Yes, my friends, no back flip, triple sow-cow, or handspring cartwheel on our part will ever secure us as his preference over anything – ever. It’s simply not going to happen.

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zari - narcissist-abuse-supportAs I’ve explained before, my ex narc and I had amazing, over-the-top sex each and every time for 13-years straight. We even enjoyed a round of great sex on that very last day four years ago – the day that he walked out and basically never came back. For most of the years up until that point, it was this awesome sex phenomenon that caused me the greatest confusion. How can we have such terrific sex yet I still can’t kick the feeling that if the opportunity arises to fuck someone else, he’ll take it? It just doesn’t make any sense.

The truth, however, is that it does make sense. In fact, it makes perfect sense when you really examine how a narcissist thinks about relationships and about people in general. A normal person in a normal relationship is usually attracted to a certain type of person. This could mean that, for a guy, he likes blondes or brunettes or girls with big boobs or no boobs or whatever. For a girl, it could mean she likes men who are tall or who have an athletic build. The partners of these people usually come pretty damn close to matching that preference and we can assume that if and when these people choose to cheat, the person that they cheat with is going to match that preference as well.  If we’re involved with these “normal” people, we assume that if our partner cheats this “other” person is going to look…well…kinda like us, right? This is simply how it normally works and there’s no rocket science involved.

The narcissist, on the other hand, has no preference at all as to who he hangs out with. This is why we’re always shocked when we actually get a look at who it is they cheat on us with or who the partner is of a married narcissist. I hear it day in and day out and I went through it myself. In my mind, the other woman or whomever he would triangulate me with must certainly at least look like me or dress like me but that was never the case. At first, the discovery would make me feel better. As time passed, however, I became mortified as it slowly dawned on me that he had no preference at all. Suddenly, everyone everywhere was a threat! Tall, short, fat, skinny, blonde, or brunette…everywhere I looked, I saw competition. Yet, the great sex continued and I imagined it as the almighty connection that would always keep us together. Wrong again.

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The fact that the narcissist has no preference may also lead us to wonder (ever so quietly) if the narcissist perhaps swings both ways. All the homophobic rhetoric that a narcissist spews whenever necessary and when the subject arises suddenly means nothing. In fact, the more rhetoric my ex spewed about this gay guy or that gay guy or some sexual fetish or deviance, the more suspicious I became. All at once, I would put nothing past him. Not that he would EVER admit to such a thing or that I ever really had a reason to think that…it was just a feeling I got every once in awhile when he would disappear and there was no other girl to be found. I’ve come to believe that, because the typical narc would never admit to this particular behavior or take chances on being caught, narcissists who are curious about swinging both ways or periodically even do it, will go underground to places we’d never even think to look for them – let alone find them – in order to get it done.

My thinking is that narcissists don’t have preferences because they don’t feel loyalty and attachment. They simply don’t care about anything in particular. This is why they can swing both ways upside down and backwards without blinking an eye. This is why a narcissistic partner will leave you to go live or hang out in a place that is far beneath what you have to offer. One woman I spoke to was shocked that her narcissistic husband would leave her and the children and their beautiful home only to shack up with some girl in a trailer on the worst side of town. My ex did the same thing. He’d disappear from my upscale apartment in the mountains and two weeks later I’d find him living at a No-Tell Motel looking perfectly smug and comfortable. This is mind-boggling narcissistic behavior that only proves that a narcissist does not and will never know what he has no matter how good it is. He simply doesn’t care either way.

Narcissists are sexual opportunists who see the world as filled to the brim with opportunities and they’re always looking. We just happen to have been an opportunity that, for whatever reason, stuck after the initial encounter. And hell – since the narc has no preference whether we stay or go – he might as well let us hang around! This is indifference on a very grand scale yet, as is loving partner, we refuse to see it for what it is. Nothing is normal about any of it! To think that we can keep these people happy with love, comfort and great sex is our biggest misstep in the relationship and it will inevitably be our demise.

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Now, the good news – and yes there IS good news – out of all this is that the narcissist’s infidelity and no-preference behavior has nothing to do with us and we can walk away from the whole mess blame-free. We don’t have to worry what the new girl has that we don’t or why we weren’t good enough or if the narcissist is truly happy now because none of that matters! And because nothing matters, we don’t even have to forgive this person – he doesn’t deserve it.

As I always say, since the narcissist admits to nothing, we have to be confident in the truth that we know and go forth. Make no mistake about it – there is a world of people out there that appreciate everything about you!

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22 Comments

  • Sarah A

    May 8, 2017 at 10:58 am Reply

    Hi everyone. I have only just come across this website and what I’ve been reading about narcissistic personality disorder has made my jaw drop in recognition. I wish I had understood this ‘condition’ before as I’ve always questioned MYSELF for the problems in my relationship with my ex partner and have lost a lot of self esteem from what I’ve gone through over the last 2 years.

    I discovered that he was cheating on me just 3 weeks ago with an ex of his (from 3 years ago). We’d just had a fabulous, relaxed weekend together where he was being very affectionate towards me, holding my hand, etc, and lots of physical closeness and fantastic sex. Then 3 days later, he invites this woman to his place for sex. I’ve suspected for quite a while that he has been playing the field, but this was the first real proof that I had. I drove over to his place unannounced and was listening at his door and heard everything (including their long sex session)! I’m not proud of doing that but this is what they drive you to do with their constant deceit. I’m glad that I did because now I know for sure exactly what he is capable of. No doubt there have been many others before this one. I felt absolutely gutted as you can imagine and also quite disgusted that she would sleep with him, knowing that he was in a relationship with me. Though I imagine he was very persuasive and told her otherwise. Narcissists lie about almost EVERYTHING! I also believe that he is probably capable of doing this with men too.

    The thing is that they make you question yourself – ‘Why wasn’t I good enough?’, ‘Why would he do that when we just spent a fantastic weekend together?’, ‘What did I do wrong?’- it almost drives you crazy trying to figure it out. But it’s not about YOU, it’s about THEM and their constant need for approval and feeling desired by as many people as possible. They will take it from wherever they can get it. Narcissists are takers not givers and it’s impossible to change them because they are ‘happy’ as they are.

    It’s so true that narcissists are charming and the highs with them (and the sex!) can be the best you’ve ever experienced. But, in the end, it’s all about them and manipulating you for their own needs. My ex will never realize that his behaviour is unacceptable because narcissists have absolutely zero empathy. Yes, they can feign empathy but it’s only to get what they want from you. They tend to be very intelligent and manipulative and know how to play on your weaknesses.

    Another thing to watch out for is, because of their addictive personalities, they tend to overuse social media a lot! My ex was never off Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, etc, and I knew he was being secretive because he was always checking his mobile phone, putting it on silent when he was with me and sending sneaky messages early of a morning and late at night – clearly not something he would be doing with his male friends. He would carry his phone everywhere with him, even into the bathroom, and it was placed face down at all times. Of course, if I ever asked him who he was messaging at such times (which I rarely did) he would react very angrily and make out that I was being too ‘needy’. When you get attacked verbally like that, you stop asking questions. That’s why they turn it round on you. Social media has made it so easy for people to cheat these days and you can be sure that a narcissist will take full advantage of this! He would even sit across the table from me at breakfast looking at semi-pornographic photos of women on Instagram and would often make sexual comments about other women or flirt with them while we were out together. This is done to undermine your self confidence and exercise control over you. Quite sad really! I also saw in his internet history that he had been on a dating site and when I asked him about it, he first denied it and then when I pursued it he said it was just out of ‘curiosity’. Haha, yeh right! He also used to masturbate (a lot!) Sometimes so much that he had nothing left when he was with me. There’s no greater love than a narcissist’s love for themself!

    Like so many people who have commented here, I thought that if I made fewer ‘demands’ of him and sacrificed my own needs, that he would somehow realize the error of his ways and start appreciating what he had with our relationship. Of course, I now know that will never happen. When I confronted him about having sex with that woman, he never said a single word to me for 3 weeks (quite heartbreaking after being together for 2 years). He then sent me an email saying that he ‘missed me’ and when I said that I knew exactly what he had done, he denied it completely and said that I had ‘issues’. How low can you go! So, I know he has no feelings of guilt or wrong-doing and will have already moved on with this woman – his next ‘victim’. At least I can feel slightly comforted that he will eventually do the same to her and it was nothing that I did wrong. I have a chance to get better and live a great life, when he will always have to scheme and lie to get his next fix.

    I’ve now gone completely No Contact with him as I can’t put myself through the pain anymore of being picked up and then dropped suddenly by him for no apparent reason (he’s split up with me, completely out of the blue, at least 6 times in the last 2 years). I’m emotionally exhausted and feel like I have completely lost myself! It won’t be easy, because I loved him dearly and gave him absolutely everything I could. But, clearly, it wasn’t enough and never would be! Narcissists get bored very easily and constantly need excitement in their life. The pursuit of other women is one of the easiest ways to get this stimulation that they crave. He is completely incapable of being faithful to anyone.

    Despite everything, I haven’t given up hope and in time will feel ready for a relationship with someone who treats me with love, honesty, kindness and respect. We all deserve that, don’t we…

    Thank you so much Zari for this wonderful website which has been an incredible source of support for me during a really low time. Also to everyone who has been so frank and shared their experiences on here. These narcissists create so much sadness and hurt with everyone they touch. It’s terrible and tragic.

    • Lorie

      June 17, 2017 at 8:59 am Reply

      Sarah I cannot believe your story!! Your story is my story and it pretty much freaks me out. You will get through this. Just keep no contact. I have been no contact for over a year now. Where I failed in the past is because I wanted to hear why… why could he do this to US… we were so happy, or so I thought. BUT if he doesn’t get it he can ask someone else as I am not going to explain it. The devastation the affairs and the ex-girl friend had on me was horrendous, BUT IT GETS BETTER. It is not that I don’t think about it or that I am not sad. Its just I am over the Sherlock Holmes detective work and you know what you know. They will lie about it no matter what.

      Stay Strong and come here often as it helps to read other stories. Your story has helped me and I appreciate that. I know its hard to write it, even though it feels good to write it.

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