Welcome to my two-part article series on compartmentalization as it relates to narcissism in relationships. This article, Part 1, will describe the psychological mechanism of compartmentalization and how narcissists use it to juggle multiple relationships and situations without having his/her worlds collide. I believe that an understanding of this narcissistic tactic is vital to our recovery because, as you’ll see, it explains everything – and I mean everything – that we experience. Once we “get it” about compartmentalization, then – and only then – can we truly begin to connect all of the suspicious dots within our relationship in a meaningful way.
Invariably, online definitions describe compartmentalization as a defense mechanism that a person uses to keep certain beliefs and relationships separated from one another so that they don’t conflict. For those who are particularly good at it, like narcissists and sociopaths, it means being able to get away with just about anything including keeping one lover from ever finding out about another or from lies ever becoming truly tangled. Compartmentalization is what narcissists do before, during, and after a Discard. Compartmentalizing is how the narcissist keeps partners (or only certain partners) from ever meeting his friends and family members. Compartmentalization is the perfect explanation for how the narcissist can just leave you without giving a fuck…why your history with a narcissist means absolutely nothing…why he appears to simply vanish during a silent treatment and why he’s so adept using the Cell Phone Game to keep you at arms length even when you think you are “together”.
Imagine the narcissist’s twisted head as being like a building that contains a whole bunch of empty rooms – or compartments – to which he is the only key holder. Over time, the narcissist fills these compartments, each with a single scenario from his life and each scenario having little or no knowledge about the existence of the other compartments. By carefully keeping tabs on the contents of each compartment and by controlling all levels of communications and interaction, the narcissist keeps the potential for conflict and confrontation to a bare minimum as he moves from one to the other. The biggest benefit, of course, to compartmentalization is that the narcissist can behave one way while visiting one compartment and behave completely differently when visiting another. And since the narcissist is a pretender extraordinaire and master chameleon, the fact that he’s has to basically lie through his teeth during each visit isn’t even an issue. In fact, that’s the easiest part of the strategy!
In another article series on this site called A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist, I use actual pieces of blog posts written by a very popular online sociopath to prove my point about how a narcissist thinks. To prove my point about compartmentalizing, I’ll use yet another blurb from that same blog:
For me, my Game Theory is not only one fashion of handling life, it’s also the concept of compartmentalization. As many people have commented, trying to keep everything in order (in regards to the lies, half-truths, manipulations, “games,” etc.) would be exceedingly difficult (for a sociopath/narcissist). And it would be, if the sociopath’s mind operated as a normal person’s. Everything in my mind is organized sort of like folders (compartments) and folder groups that you might find in, say, Windows Explorer; everything has its place. When a situation presents itself or I am with a certain friend or friend(s), I simply “open” up that folder and behave accordingly. When one’s mind is organized in such a way that no thought co-mingles with others, you don’t have the problem of “remembering all of the lies,” because you have everything you need neatly stored away, waiting to be accessed at the right time. This same concept of compartmentalization applies in all walks of (my) life, whether it be love, friendships, work, etc. Another benefit to compartmentalizing is that it enables oneself to keep track of “friend circles”, thus ensuring that none of these circles cross in any way; this can allow for you to more easily adapt to any number of given situations per friend circle. For example, for each different personality, I just find another lover (in addition to or instead of one you may already have). I find myself involved in many different circles, but almost as a ghost; I can walk in and out of these circles almost unnoticed and never be missed.
To imagine life as a narcissist, we must imagine ourselves moving in and out of these compartments whenever it served a beneficial purpose. A narcissist might have separate compartments for you, his other girlfriend(s), his work relationships, his family life, his guy friends, his time at the gym or in the band or at the bar or home alone at his apartment. Then, when it’s convenient, he just moves in and out of the little rooms like a snake, carefully closing the door behind him when he arrives and also locking it tight when he leaves. He might be giving you the silent treatment while hanging out in the compartment next door and you won’t even know it. Or he can be having a regular sex life with three different women who all think that they’re his only girlfriend. When a person is a pathological liar and has no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse, compartmentalization is the way to go!
The fact that a narcissist is capable of having a long-term relationship with one person while carrying on a similar affair with one (or more) other persons is a constant source of angst for all of us. And I believe it’s not the cheating itself that is the biggest issue but rather the narcissist’s lack of conscience/emotion that appears to go with it. How does he do it without feeling a single thing? When confronted with an affair, my ex was able to fake remorse for only a day or two before he threw up his hands in exasperation and screamed “Get over it! I just didn’t think it was any big deal!” Excuse me? No big deal? This way of thinking, of course, isn’t normal because even an asshole knows that cheating is hurtful. But the narcissist, in his non-emphatic way of thinking, doesn’t see it that way. So, as hurtful as my ex’s response was to me, he was actually telling me a snippet of truth but at the time, I sure didn’t see it that way either and it caused me great distress.
In Part 2 of this article series I’ll go into depth about the lack of emotion and empathy in the narcissistic personality and how it works in perfect sync with the art of compartmentalizing.
Kay
September 1, 2015 at 2:01 pmI am married to a narcissist – almost 4 yrs and planning to divorce him. I couldn’t put my finger on the “compartmentalization” that he practiced all the time.. I just thought it odd that every time he visited his children – I was never with him. They were never invited over. We only saw them (together) on Xmas Eve when he insisted they all come as it was “HIS” holiday. I have never been invited to his daughter’s house ( husband and 3 children) and she lives TWO BLOCKS AWAY. He told countless lies about me – one daughter called me PSYCHOTIC? Seriously?? Every time we’d break up – and there were so many breakups I lost count — he’d LIE. The popular character assassination they love to indulge in. I could never understand why they didn’t like me. He compartmentalized in other areas, as well – not to the degree of family — but enough where I felt isolated and excluded. Horrible way to live. I added up the pros/cons of staying with this lying, conniving, untrustworthy, undependable, irresponsible, immature man/child.. and I’m outa here. I have the resources – we combined nothing – and I still kept my own house.. I will not be treated like a piece of garbage one more day. I will go on to live a happier life. He will not. Hugz.
Zari Ballard
September 17, 2015 at 12:07 amHi Kay,
You go, girl! I hope to God that you’re still feeling as strong as you did two weeks ago when you wrote your post. (Forgive me for not responding sooner – I’m in catch-up mode). When the narcissist is your husband, things become complicated of course but not impossible. The fact that you’ve combined nothing and that you retained your own home shows amazing fortitude on your part. Take advantage of your intuitive good judgement and get out of there. You absolutely DO deserve to be happy, sister.
Stay strong!!
Zari xo
Diane
April 19, 2015 at 8:58 amDearest Zari,
You are once again, on the mark. And my ex, once again, faithfully followed the narcissist’s script.
When he and I started dating the first time — about five years ago–he referred to his “nurse”, the woman assigned to him following the diabetic stroke he had a few years before and which almost killed him. He said that they had become friendly but that she had stopped speaking to him because she didn’t like the way he talked to her. “I have problems with anger” he conceded.
Not much more about her until about a year ago, after he had hoovered back a year and a half after the first breakup. One Sunday morning at 8 a.m. she called and he hot footed to another room to talk. When he came back to the bed ( for more sex), he explained that was his nurse. “Does she have a name,” I inquired. He said he couldn’t remember.
I believed him. He is forgetful about a lot these days. I believed it might be possible. The mind is a terrible thing to lose and I had been suspecting that he was quietly losing his.
He then started talking about the nurse’s boyfriend who had a fishing boat on a small carribbean island. (I see now, they probably both compartamentalize.) Why he suspected I might be interested is beyond me.But back then, patiently listed to all of his crap.
He told me that he had decided not to introduce his nurse/friend to me because they joke around in a way that I wouldn’t understand. I had not inquired about the “nurse” and never thought anything of their relationship. Why he volunteered this information, I realized, was just an opportunity to push my buttons, make me jealous. By then, I was beginning to get that he was emotionally manipulative. He seemed to derive a certain pleasure from getting a rise out of me.
Sick. Sick. Sick.
It was not long after that the silent treatment went into effect. I am proud to say that this time, I never pleaded with him to talk to me again.
Zari, I never thought much of her, his nurse, until that early morning call — which he took.He hated when I took calls when we were together. He is not a big telephone talker so I was surprised he took this one.
During the course of reading your postings, I began to wonder if they had been seeing each other. And then I saw this latest posting. Although it has been six months since the silent treatment and we last talked, my experience with him continues to resonate with me. It’s a devastating nightmare that I am still recovering from. I am now attending weekly or twice weekly co-dependants anonymous to break my addiction to these kinds of toxic relationships. Believe me, I have invested a lot of time in similar dead end relationships. This is a pattern I beed help in breaking. I am now more than ever committed to putting my needs and interests first. I am taking my self out to hear music I enjoy, taking up jewelry making and looking forward to retiring to a warmer clime. I am no longer putting my life on hold waiting for him to follow up on his empty promises, and manipulatative hints about what might be.
Still, I am haunted by the smoke and mirrors and illusions that surrounded our relationship. Was anything about us real?
This post and this exploration of compartmentalization — a very Bill Clinton-like thing to do–does indeed help me figure some things out. It helps me understand how vastly different our mindsets and values are. I simply have no desire to compartamentalize–my intimate relationships. That level of deceit and dishonesty is beneath me.
Knowledge is power. Thank you for your commitment to to sharing knowledge with us. After what those of us following this postings have been through, truth is indeed welcome.
Best,
Diane Marie
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2015 at 5:39 pmHi Diane,
So great to hear from you! I love the Bill Clinton reference to compartmentalization – so right you are!! He is the Master!!
Yes, unfortunately, it all starts coming back to us little by little…all those clear signs of the narcissist’s manipulation that we let pass as it was happening (no doubt because he was keeping us so busy with far more important chaos). And I’m sure you are exactly right about the nurse because, like little children, the narc ALWAYS gives himself away in everything that he does. This is why every trip the N took with “the guys”…every silent treatment that occurred for no reason at all…every phone call that catches the N off-guard and spawns a story…every “negative” comment about the bankteller that cashed his check…all of it is suspect!! Your ex’s mentioning of the nurse was probably done not so much to push your buttons but rather “to get it out of the way” (the lie by omission) since the call had just happened. But just IN CASE you were having a suspicion, the immediate sex, of course, was to make you think “Well, he’s having sex with me so she’s no big deal…”. OR we could really go out on a limb here and say that he WAS trying to make you jealous while relying on the fact that you, a person who he KNOWS tries so hard to NOT be a jealous person, would REFRAIN from acting jealous, whereby allowing him to continue the charade with the nurse unfettered!!!! Holy Crap – it’s enough to make us breathless. There is end to the rabbit hole, is there, girlfriend???
I’m so glad that you wrote because you often cross my mind…our phone conversation and everything that happened…the fact that you are still exploring the deception, taking it all in, moving forward day by day is an inspiration to me and should be for all of us. Survival is so very possible. The best to you always, my friend:)
Zari xo
Christine
May 4, 2015 at 11:37 pmI’m glad you’re out of that situation now because from what I’m reading, it sure is making me suspicious as well! Your gut instinct is spot on. Why not introduce you to this nurse, if it’s all so perfectly harmless? That excuse about them supposedly joking in a way you wouldn’t understand is complete bullshit (excuse the French but there’s no other word for it). I think that if he were an upstanding guy and if this person were just a platonic friend, he would have introduced you to her. The secrecy behind the phone call is also very suspect. What is the need for secrecy, if there’s nothing to hide?
That just isn’t normal in a good relationship. My boyfriend has been proud to introduce me to his good friends and family. It makes me realize how awful being with the narc really was (when he treated me like a dirty little secret). When a man actually cares about a woman, he’ll want to make her a part of his world and integrate her with the rest of his life. Not to mention, he’ll be transparent with her, to build trust. Narcs are just incapable of this.
I’m glad you’re putting yourself first now and not lowering yourself to his level. We all deserve to only be with those who will match our integrity.
jane
April 17, 2015 at 10:14 pmI am divorcing a sociopath/narcissist. I filed 17 months ago after discovering he was paying a 28 year old woman for sex. He was 59 at the time. I recently learned he has had a 10 year relationship with a woman who is currently 34. He is 60. His daughter is 32. That woman has a 6 year old child. No idea if it is his. All the time he has been seeing her, he’s been paying for sex with prostitutes. I met a guy from my high school at a wedding 6 months ago. It was instant attraction. We have many of the same friends (so, this felt safe). We see each other just a couple times a week when he’s in town (he lives in 2 states and travels, like stbx, a great deal). He also seems to have former girlfriends everywhere. He’s 62 and has been single for 37 years but lived with someone for 5 years until a year ago. He says he will call and then doesn’t call. He makes plans with me and then cancels with various excuses. He’s canceled as many dates as he’s kept. I know this is a mess but I keep seeing him because I enjoy his company and he’s way more attentive than stbx ever was. And everyone likes this guy…. And he’s a future faker for sure. Asked me to Vegas for New Years Eve and then went to Florida. Said he’d come to Florida in March and canceled. Invited me to the Kentucky Derby 3-4 times (no recent mention). Asked me to Colorado, AZ and CA in the coming weeks (but nothing actually planned re dates, places to stay, etc). People tell me I am pretty. I am highly educated and smart and I am self supporting. I am well known and respected. WTF is wrong with me.
Christine
April 9, 2015 at 10:49 pmThis shows how differently narcissists think than the rest of us! It’s the utter lack of emotional connection and empathy for their partners that truly repels me the most. That’s what truly hurts the most, that we aren’t as unique and special to them as we thought we were, if they can so easily replace us with someone else in another compartment. Not to mention, that they don’t care about how we’re feeling while giving us the silent treatment. Given that emotional connection and empathy are cornerstones for a healthy relationship, I’m so glad to be out of that quagmire now.
Well, that’s why WE should also compartmentalize THEM away from the rest of OUR lives–into a musty, dusty box of the past that should be locked up and never opened again! (oh heck, then throw away the key too!)
Emma
April 20, 2015 at 5:55 amHi Christine
yes and how scary regarding sex. -me- little bambi eaten by the wolf.( alias me (innocent dickhead) thought…. as i had not ever experienced such fantastic sex with a man like i did with N – just innocently thought it ( as us women do) that must have been the same way for him but no….. sadly this is not the reality… i have now been subjected to the silent treatment again for the millionth time now for 9 weeks and am on NC and hope to be free one day from this nightmare. he does not care if he has sex with me again – the power and control is more important. this is what has killed me the most. i thought that the sex (as it was so good – alias love for me) was really important to him but no his ego is the most important thing and his power is more of a kick for him. so so shattering… that actually blows me away…. or alternately makes me want to vomit. so so scary and so frightening that we have been in bed with a maniac that can manipulate so so much. i am very sad albiet destroyed with shock.
Christine
May 4, 2015 at 11:12 pmEmma, I’m so sorry you went through that and months ago, that could have been me who wrote that…believe me that I have been there and done that. Hang in there! You weren’t eaten by the wolf, because you’re here and developed the self-awareness to leave that drama behind. You may feel a bit bruised, but you weren’t destroyed. Right now you’re still reeling and might not see it, but recovery is possible. I have been where you are and now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been with a real, loving relationship and other good things happening in my life. If it happened for me, it can for you too. In hindsight even the sex wasn’t as great as I thought it was at the time, because it wasn’t based on any real emotion (and for me, it needs to have some emotional component to be good, not just physical). Hang in there!
Jean
April 9, 2015 at 11:47 amlooking forward to part 2….
Be blessed
Zari Ballard
April 12, 2015 at 12:01 amThanks…Part 2 should be up in less than a week.
Zari xo
Sweet One
April 6, 2015 at 11:31 pmThanks Zari! I always wondered how my ex could keep all his lies straight. It’s just incredible how their minds work. No wonder I was kept in the dark about him all this time. It’s sickening the lengths they go to. I wonder how they all follow the same pattern? I guess it’s just a honed skill they use over the years but you’d think they would still be somewhat different in their methods? But so far just about everyone’s story is the same. Especially how much pain and suffering they leave us in after D&D. How they get us so addicted to them that we can’t say no when they come back. It’s scary but ty for shedding some light!
Zari Ballard
April 26, 2015 at 12:48 amHi Sweet One,
I’m so late getting back to all and so sorry! Isn’t it crazy when you figure out why nothing they ever said to you added up (but you could never figure out the variable)? Your guess is as good as mine why they are ALL the same worldwide but, to be fair, I have to say that a narcissist personality is considered a “disorder”. If this is true, then that would explain the consistencies but I don’t care about that. The fact is that we are dealing with adults who KNOW right from wrong but simply don’t care. They will stomp on a person’s SOUL to get what they want and then move on without a smidgen of guilt or remorse. In fact, they will blame YOU for the end of the relationship. So creepy and such a waste of time.
If you get a chance to read my books, please do because you will relate to all of what I write. I did it for 13-years and lived to tell about it – and so will you! Thank you for writing and please do as often as necessary. This is a place of support:)
Zari xo
zora
April 5, 2015 at 5:21 pmWow is all I can say. This explains so much.