The narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional.
Everything that a narcissist does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re imagining he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right. Super-sleuthing, because we feel desperate to find answers, often becomes an obsession, making it impossible for us to focus on anything else. Combine that feeling with the fact that we usually aren’t sure what we’re even looking for – now that’s a recipe for emotional disaster! Again, this is all completely in line with the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda. Again, it is absolutely intentional.
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This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner. The point of the behavior is to get us to react in the exact way that we do. In fact, inducing these reactions is a very effective way to condition us to behave according to his/her pathological agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs.
Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you. We become entirely different people than we were prior to meeting the narcissist and those around us find the changes not only noticeable but disturbing as well. Make no mistake – our appearance to others is all part of the narcissist’s plan as well and he/she will no doubt use this later when describing us as psycho to justify his own behaviors. And around and around it goes.
The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….
Mel
March 12, 2016 at 10:25 pmHow can you leave when you have two small kids? I’ve been isolated from the little family and friends I have left and have been made to feel like I’m dependent on him.
Sophie Warner
May 3, 2016 at 3:30 pmWhat’s keeping you – do the kids love him and you don’t want them to miss him or is it just that you feel you can’t manage? I’d say take the leap. You’ll find you’re already doing everything alone anyway and he is excess baggage, nothing more. Things can only improve without him. I’m just a reader btw, but I stayed with my narc ‘for the kids’ and have come to regret it. I’m now looking at leaving – but that’s 6 years damage done. Please, save yourself any more wasted time, just go! Enjoy life 🙂
Mimz
October 15, 2015 at 7:44 amAll the comments describe exactly the current relationship that am in. I knew all along that something was amiss and could not put my finger on it. We never discussed anything about me and my career or even my kids everything is about him. I’ve been in this for 4yrs in which he will disappear for 6-8 mnths and come back as if nothing happened. He is a Professor by profession and will blame it on his busy schedule. What I have realised is that he is a secret alcoholic, very very cold no emotions whatsoever, very insecure and jealous, very sneaky I have never met his friends or family, the only person I have met once is his so called son which I think he is lying about (ex girlfriend’s) and he even lied about his real identityand does not know that I know. He disappeared again last May and reappear in December and invited me to his new apartment which he gave me the keys. In March this year he went overseas for a month and lost his phone while he was there. While he was gone I fixed the apartment bought stuff and so on. A month after his return he started accusing me of having an affair with a security guard of the complex and I got pissed off and left. Everytime before he disappears he creates a chaos/arguments accusations of some sort and after that he’s gone. He never called to check how I was doing or anything, but am used to his silent treament I was kind of expecting it to happen. Until this day he hasn’t called. My question is: Will he ask if I should bring back the keys or what its been 4mnths now. I am gettin ready to move on and start NC. I have moved places and he doesn’t know, am tired of this nonsense I refuse to go on like this and I have never experience anything like this. Before he disappeared we hardly had sex and I could see he was punishing me for being honest about his behavior. I enjoyed reading all the comments good to know that am not paranoid or just imagining things. Awful indeed.
Zari Ballard
November 6, 2015 at 4:26 pmHi Mimz,
I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Your story sounds very much like my own. If you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, please do. It’s a cheap read from Amazon and you will resonate with every word on every page. My ex, too, would disappear and then reappear often with a brand new apartment and new promises to boot. What that’s all about, of course, is that they reappear to us while leaving someone else behind. Hence, the new phones and apartments. And then, when they’re ready to go back from whence they came, it all happens in reverse. It’s BULLSHIT.
As for his keys, toss them in the trash or stick them away or whatever you feel like but don’t send them to him or drop them off and, no matter what, why worry about it? If you’ve moved, then he can’t find you. Change your phone number or BLOCK him as well. Make it impossible for him to contact you for those keys. It’s likely he doesn’t even live in the same place or won’t be for much longer anyway. In his mind, those keys are an excuse to always keep you in the loop. He fully expects you to be wondering what to do with them. Don’t buy into it.
Stay strong and read the book…you’ll think you wrote it!
Zari xo
Narci Sist
December 2, 2015 at 11:07 pmUm, there are quite a LOT of NPD women out there. This article is very discriminatory. Narcissistic women destroy families, kids and men, causing many men to commit suicide specifically because articles like this make it sound like ONLY MEN are narcissists. The traits are the same, whether male or female.
Karly
August 3, 2015 at 5:14 amNarcissist are an awful species. But the narcissistic sociopath is even worse. These people have not an ounce of empathy, care, concern, love for anyone but themselves. They don’t care who get hurts, dies or destroyed. As long as they get their way. Soullous humans they are
NancyVarcoeWillis
November 7, 2016 at 5:03 pmKarly, you hit the nail on the head. Yes, info on sociopaths/narcs/psychopaths would fill a library. Maybe two. A third one for those in the throes of trying to understand, and eventually processing this horrid fact. Welcome to the miasma of cognitive dissonance. Time helps. You said it all in a few sentences. There are no “buts” — we know. Get out. Don’t concern yourself with their new conquests – they do not matter. Remember when you were small and your parents said (always irked me!!) “You’ll understand when you’re grown up.” — well, just give it time – time to process – and you will understand. Yes, it’s just unthinkable. You’re not alone.
Becky
May 3, 2015 at 3:09 amUntil I found Zari’s books I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my husband of 38 years. Thank you Lisa. I read your post and saw that there are others that have that many years and finally see the truth.
This is my first post but I will be back.
Thank you Zari!!
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2015 at 12:03 pmHi Becky,
We’re here whenever you need us…..:)
Zari
Becky
May 4, 2015 at 2:16 pm28 hours NC. 6 months of grovelling, crawling, begging, going fucking crazy and I am doing ok. Today I am Postponing and Pretending. That really does help. Tomorrow I will face tomorrow. Just get through today!! But I am also reminiscing the past. Now that I see him for what he is makes it all so much clearer. I feel sorry for the son of a bitch. He doesn’t even see it!! He is now buying hookers, spending $300 a weekend at strip clubs and on other women. Our old “house” – it was never a HOME – burned 3 months after I moved out. He now lives at his sisters, sleeps on a couch and lives out of Walmart bags and eats Burger King. He has gotten 2 more credit cards and has racked them to the top already. (Of course I know because I stole the bills out of the mail!! AND destroyed them so he got behind on his payments!! ) I love it!! I have a very nice place and have made it my home. He is really going down hill fast. Is that normal? Do narcissists ever hit bottom like an addict? Anyway, today I see that I was the one that kept him from going to the gutter. HAHA!! Without ME he is a piece of shit!! LOL!!! I am SOOOO much better than him! Gotta share this because this is what I had to deal with when I told him yesterday I was onto him and he was OUT of my life. He stood across the room with this smirk on his face and said “You want to fuck me, don’t you? I can see it! You want to. Come on – fuck me! You know you want to!!” That was it for me. He will NEVER touch me again. He thinks his penis is some kind of magic wand! HA!! Not for me! In fact HE IS NASTY!! I know I am going to make it this time. 38 years and I see him for what he is. Been a long road. If I fall I WILL get back up. I have this place and these people to help me now. Thanks for listening. Love for any comments you have. I don’t want to be over confident at this point. I just want be more aware of his tactics every day.
Zari Ballard
May 16, 2015 at 9:03 pmBecky wrote…..Our old “house” – it was never a HOME – burned 3 months after I moved out. He now lives at his sisters, sleeps on a couch and lives out of Walmart bags and eats Burger King. He has gotten 2 more credit cards and has racked them to the top already. (Of course I know because I stole the bills out of the mail!! AND destroyed them so he got behind on his payments!! ) I love it!! At first I thought you were feeling so sad for the monster and then HAHAHA!!!! Good for you!
Hi Becky,
Thank you for sharing and I can tell that you’re going to make it just fine. Whether or not they go downhill or hit rock bottom usually depends on what “other” scenarios they’re juggling at the time that you end it. If they’re at a point where they can just jump into another situation that will keep them afloat, then it will appear that they are doing quite well. If, as mine did and yours too, they’re on a relative’s couch eating burgers and buying hookers, then to us that would appear as if they’re going downhill. The truth, however, is that it only appears that way because a narcissist, since they view everything in their life on the same emotional level, is usually somewhat okay with however it works out. When it gets a bit too inconvenient, they may slither back but other than that, it simply becomes an easy, unencumbered opportunity to seek out that new supply. Bastards!
You are doing fine, sister, and everything you’re feeling is so normal. You just continue to Postpone & Pretend every day and one day you won’t even have to think about it – you’ll just do it without pretending. Enjoy your home and make it your own. You MUST go no contact and block every avenue of communication. As long as he can easily send a text, make a call, get a message, or whatever, you will be connected. Cut the ties that bind, girl, and get on with the life that you deserve:)
Keep me updated…I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Rose
March 23, 2015 at 3:43 pmHi! This website has been a sanity saver. I never could understand why he went into such tantrums over some of the smallest things while I put up with huge insults or irrational behavior. I thought I could predict when he was going to loose it and tried to prevent them. I am still confused over the last one. What he is accusing me of saying is unrecognizable in the words I actually spoke. But this will be his version he tells his coworkers (his friends) that all thought highly of me. I even refused to answer him when arguing sometimes and said he would just twist words around. And of course I know they will believe what he says. He isn’t going to tell anyone who doesn’t since he only surrounds himself with people who idolize him.
I know I hung on because when things were good, it was a good relationship and I made excuses for his behavior when he had his hissy fit thinking he was sabotaging us. I thought when he finally saw I wasn’t going to abandon him and try to work things out when we disagreed, the episodes would diminish. The “walking on eggshells” is all too familiar. The latest argument accusing me of being such horrible person that is no where close to what I am is a new level of verbal abuse.
I am amazed at the familiarity in everyone’s stories. Continued strength to everyone.
Lisa
March 20, 2015 at 9:07 pmHi Zari, I have read When Love is a Lie, now reading Stop Spinning, Start Breathing. Everything you say about the narcissist is sadly so true. I have been married to mine for over 40 years. I found out in the 38th year he was a serial cheater from the year one till year 38 when I only confronted him because of his emotional abuse of the silent treatment and cold shoulder that I suffered anguish over all those years and finally a light went off in my head. More like an explosion. I call it my epiphany. My whole life with him was a lie. He would give love and attention one day and the next pick a fight and withdrawal all love and devotion with his silent treatments. For years I worked hard to be perfect because of his constant withdrawal of love and care. I succeeded in personal perfection as a women, mother, wife & homemaker. We were envied by what people saw, what they saw he gave me in gifts & life style, many of my friends wanted to be me. I found out, got him to admit what he was by telling him I saw lies on his face. That confession took me 5 months to get after his last 3 week silent torture. I knew that last time it was never me, it was always him. He had the nerve when I called him at work about how he was treating me, he said that after a 45 year relationship we had nothing in common and he had been unhappy for over 10 years. He did that to try and scar me. I was not scared, during those 3 weeks, I relived our life of 38 years in my mind and there was a lot of things he had to answer for that got brushed under the rug. I started questioning him about the past, after 5 months one day I told him that there were lies written all over his face and today was the day he answered all of them. He did. Shocking, he had been serial cheating, having affairs with the most disgusting hard up women in the world. Some I knew of, some I had seen. Not to be believed. He had to go to therapy for his “sex addiction”. But as you and I know he will always be a narcissit. Only now I do not play back. I am still with him, too late to start over for me. The really sad story is that a year after his confession our son was killed, my husband was fired from his job, kind of the result of our son’s death. Too long of a story but all related to his behavior’s through out our lives. His living in his own sneaky, separate self life. He destroyed a lot of lives in our family. He tries to play the victim now, but he will never bring me down again. Normal people do not realize that there can be people like this. They are monsters, they feed on you and you don’t even know it. This one was a pervert behind a desk too. Ask him why he did what he did, he does not know, so he says. Claims he was not looking to replace me. Tries to tell me because of his therapy I need to separate the man from his behavior. I don’t think so, what people do when they think no one is looking is who they are. There is definitely something missing in these kind of people. There is no reaching them. It is all fakery. So that is a little bit of my story. Thanks, for putting your story out there for people like me to read. It helps. Lisa
Carrie
July 7, 2015 at 9:08 amIt is not to late for you to leave him! That’s called learned helplessness, and I can relate, because I’m dealing with it right now too. I have been brainwashed to feel like I could never afford or take care of myself. Or I have felt like I have no other options, because I have been isolated and I have no friends and my family is even more abusive than he is. And sometimes change is hard, you don’t want to leave your home, etc. But, I will get out. I will be financially independent. I will make it on my own. I have hope, I hope you can have it too.
Christine
July 9, 2015 at 4:00 pmCarrie, you’re so right that it’s never too late to leave and make a fresh start for yourself. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be pulling for you and Lisa! Just from what you’ve said and the hope and determination you’re showing, I have faith that you can do it because that’s the first step. Hey, these narcissists weren’t always in our lives and we managed to live without them before, didn’t we? So why not believe it’s possible to do that again? I know women who left horrible long-term marriages and start over in their 50s and beyond (and sometimes, even find better men than the ones they left). I don’t think there’s ever any “expiration date” when it’s too late to start new.
Nadia
February 16, 2015 at 10:53 amI just left him 3 days ago and I went through a cold turkey state this weekend eating, crying and pulling my hair and talking to myself, I have always left him and he comes back in his sheepish style and I run back to him like a starving cat, I took the decision many times but I keep going back to get hurt more.. looking back in reality my life is much better without him I have my own freedom now, with him I wasn’t allowed to go out or talk to anyone, took all my humane rights away and I always allowed him although that deep inside my heart and my mind I was giving myself to an abuser. I used to think that I deserved to be raped and subdued to doing explicit intimate things with him, I thought to myself that he would not cheat on me cause I used to please him in everything. my life went out of the window I gave him my life, I hardly went to work, I was neglecting my daughter my house my pets, I was dedicated to him 24/7. things were going really well and his mind started to panic he used to tell me not to raise my hopes that he’s not going to change his cheating ways or that our relationship wasn’t eternal, he fried my brain to the extent of not eating or sleeping, I lost weight and he started throwing little suggestions to put on weight cause I looked sick and unsexy, my self esteem disappeared, I couldn’t look myself in the mirror cause I think I am ugly and fat..the list of damage is endless I am going to look for help cause I am in pieces
Zari Ballard
February 28, 2015 at 10:16 pmDear Nadia,
Good Lord, girl, you must pull yourself up by the boot straps and find your way home. This monster has done everything possible to break your spirit but now is the time to really get started on your recovery. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will see yourself on every page. In this book I discuss my 13-year relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend and how he made me half insane by the time it was over. But I also talk about how I changed my thinking so that I couls get on with things. I neglected everyone and everything too thinking that if I only gave him what he wanted he wouldn’t leave me. But he always did. And when he returned, I took him back with a nary a question of where he was or who he was with. All I wanted was the anxiety to go away even if it was only temporary. I know exactly how you feel but I’m here to tell you that it does get better. You deserve to be happy.
There comes a time where, no matter how awful we feel and how desperate we are to make this person love us, that we have to ask ourselves if this is REALLY how we want to spend the rest of our lives. I know that you know this but this guy’s “bad” is as good as it’s ever going to get. No one – but no one – should ever have to settle for that. Please get the book because it will empower you to see this for what it really is with a lot less pain.
Stay strong, sister, and understand that you are not alone in the fight. Feel free to write anytime because I am here to support you:)
Zari xo
Natalie
April 25, 2015 at 4:03 pmI’m so sorry Nadia. Please stay strong. I hope you have family and freinds to support you?
ally
April 30, 2015 at 4:55 pmYeah, i know where you are coming from. They rob you of your life..and make you an extension of them. My opinion, cares or concerns never mattered..only his. he’d have to pretend to care, love…feel anything. It was all an act, to benefit him of course. He ruined holidays, special events and birthdays. I suppose he thought he had to be the source of happiness, or how i felt. He made sure i felt like shit, because he did! he beat, raped and did all kinds of abusive things to me. he was a very sick man, very sick! i finally left, after..many attempts and going back to him. however, after 11 years…and suspecting he had done something really bad. Right under my nose, that was it for me! long story short..I had no contact with him, cut him out of my life for good. i made a promise to myself, after so many failed attempts to stay away from him. That, if i could ever get away from him one last time, i would never see or hear him again. I did just that. i didn’t miss him, or nothing about him. my love had turned to hate, that was even before i had left him. So, i made it out alive, knowing he would run a smear campaign on me. All that didn’t matter to me, i knew what to expect from him…i knew him well. It helped me to appreciate my new found freedom. my freedom felt so good, unlike how he made me feel.