Narcissistic Chaos – Creating Turmoil on Purpose

narcissist-chaosThe narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional.

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Everything that a narcissist does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re imagining he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right. Super-sleuthing, because we feel desperate to find answers, often becomes an obsession, making it impossible for us to focus on anything else.  Combine that feeling with the fact that we usually aren’t sure what we’re even looking for – now that’s a recipe for emotional disaster! Again, this is all completely in line with the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda.  Again, it is absolutely intentional.

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This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner. The point of the behavior is to get us to react in the exact way that we do. In fact, inducing these reactions is a very effective way to condition us to behave according to his/her pathological agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs.

Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you. We become entirely different people than we were prior to meeting the narcissist and those around us find the changes not only noticeable but disturbing as well. Make no mistake – our appearance to others is all part of the narcissist’s plan as well and he/she will no doubt use this later when describing us as psycho to justify his own behaviors. And around and around it goes.

The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….

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  • Peaches

    January 12, 2018 at 11:53 am Reply

    Thanks so much for creating this sites. I have been reading this for the past 5 hours after stumbling upon it by pure accident. This is the only sites which has written about this insidious type of abuse in a way that has actually quelled my feelings of anxiety and abandonment (5days in, 6th attempt at No Contact, 10 1/2 years of psychological torture, two kids)
    I am so grateful to have found this Information. I have read many other sites, but this one is extensive in knowledge, and also in personal experience, a lot of other writers come across as “observers” to this problem, not “victims” or people with much experience. Their advice is always brief, yours in the other hand is precise, but littered with person accounts of your own, and never an ounce of judgement. It is refreshing to say the very least. Thanks again so very much for the time you have put in to this to offer support and clarification to people such h as myself.

  • jaclyn

    October 3, 2017 at 12:02 pm Reply

    Is it done on a subconscious level? Because it’s hard for me to imagine a person actually thinking “Ok, she’s too comfortable. Time to shake her up a bit.” He’s been in and out of my life on one level or another for almost 30 years. And it’s like, even when we don’t live in the same town, barely talk, or may not talk at all….he KNOWS when I’m getting used to life without him and starting to do well, so here he comes again. Even though we have not seen each other in over 2 years.

    • Zari Ballard

      October 9, 2017 at 7:09 pm Reply

      Hi Jaclyn,

      Why is it hard to imagine a person thinking like that??? It sounds as if this is EXACTLY what this guy has been doing for THIRTY YEARS. Knowing just when to reappear so that it has the most impact and prevents you from moving on IS WHAT A NARCISSIST DOES. It’s done on a conscious level. He knows what he’s doing, he just doesn’t give a shit. And even if it was SUBconscious, after thirty years…does it even matter? Stop the nonsense and get on with your life before he wastes more of it.


  • gloriaThompsonnarcisstic chaos

    September 11, 2017 at 9:15 am Reply

    I knew every time he was on his way to cheat he would start a argument he’s phone would start ring about every ten minutes this means he’s flying monkeys knew he had money he would take a bath jump in I called his ho mobile his 360 z with convertible top after almost 17 years of abuse mental and verbal lets not forget emotional I walked away just when I knew he was planning on moving one of them in I knew I was being discarded I had been packed for two days I acted so sad when I got in my car I laughed all the way to the freeway entrance I decided while he was so wrapped up with her I could right out she was my out he still in his love bombing stage she’s been around a couple of years wanting to be in my shoes only to see later how sick he is I pray for her but better her than me I love me now and it’s time for healing

  • christopher g wren

    July 23, 2017 at 10:06 am Reply

    Zari , Thank you for keeping it equal in Gender

    • Zari Ballard

      July 23, 2017 at 8:11 pm Reply

      Your welcome, Christopher:) Thanks for visiting and come by any time….

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