Narcissistic Chaos – Creating Turmoil on Purpose

narcissist-chaosThe narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional.


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Everything that a narcissist does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re imagining he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right. Super-sleuthing, because we feel desperate to find answers, often becomes an obsession, making it impossible for us to focus on anything else.  Combine that feeling with the fact that we usually aren’t sure what we’re even looking for – now that’s a recipe for emotional disaster! Again, this is all completely in line with the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda.  Again, it is absolutely intentional.

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This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner. The point of the behavior is to get us to react in the exact way that we do. In fact, inducing these reactions is a very effective way to condition us to behave according to his/her pathological agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs.

READ  Narcissists Manage Down Our Relationship Expectations

Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you. We become entirely different people than we were prior to meeting the narcissist and those around us find the changes not only noticeable but disturbing as well. Make no mistake – our appearance to others is all part of the narcissist’s plan as well and he/she will no doubt use this later when describing us as psycho to justify his own behaviors. And around and around it goes.

The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….

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  1. How can you leave when you have two small kids? I’ve been isolated from the little family and friends I have left and have been made to feel like I’m dependent on him.

    • What’s keeping you – do the kids love him and you don’t want them to miss him or is it just that you feel you can’t manage? I’d say take the leap. You’ll find you’re already doing everything alone anyway and he is excess baggage, nothing more. Things can only improve without him. I’m just a reader btw, but I stayed with my narc ‘for the kids’ and have come to regret it. I’m now looking at leaving – but that’s 6 years damage done. Please, save yourself any more wasted time, just go! Enjoy life 🙂

  2. All the comments describe exactly the current relationship that am in. I knew all along that something was amiss and could not put my finger on it. We never discussed anything about me and my career or even my kids everything is about him. I’ve been in this for 4yrs in which he will disappear for 6-8 mnths and come back as if nothing happened. He is a Professor by profession and will blame it on his busy schedule. What I have realised is that he is a secret alcoholic, very very cold no emotions whatsoever, very insecure and jealous, very sneaky I have never met his friends or family, the only person I have met once is his so called son which I think he is lying about (ex girlfriend’s) and he even lied about his real identityand does not know that I know. He disappeared again last May and reappear in December and invited me to his new apartment which he gave me the keys. In March this year he went overseas for a month and lost his phone while he was there. While he was gone I fixed the apartment bought stuff and so on. A month after his return he started accusing me of having an affair with a security guard of the complex and I got pissed off and left. Everytime before he disappears he creates a chaos/arguments accusations of some sort and after that he’s gone. He never called to check how I was doing or anything, but am used to his silent treament I was kind of expecting it to happen. Until this day he hasn’t called. My question is: Will he ask if I should bring back the keys or what its been 4mnths now. I am gettin ready to move on and start NC. I have moved places and he doesn’t know, am tired of this nonsense I refuse to go on like this and I have never experience anything like this. Before he disappeared we hardly had sex and I could see he was punishing me for being honest about his behavior. I enjoyed reading all the comments good to know that am not paranoid or just imagining things. Awful indeed.

    • Hi Mimz,

      I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Your story sounds very much like my own. If you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, please do. It’s a cheap read from Amazon and you will resonate with every word on every page. My ex, too, would disappear and then reappear often with a brand new apartment and new promises to boot. What that’s all about, of course, is that they reappear to us while leaving someone else behind. Hence, the new phones and apartments. And then, when they’re ready to go back from whence they came, it all happens in reverse. It’s BULLSHIT.

      As for his keys, toss them in the trash or stick them away or whatever you feel like but don’t send them to him or drop them off and, no matter what, why worry about it? If you’ve moved, then he can’t find you. Change your phone number or BLOCK him as well. Make it impossible for him to contact you for those keys. It’s likely he doesn’t even live in the same place or won’t be for much longer anyway. In his mind, those keys are an excuse to always keep you in the loop. He fully expects you to be wondering what to do with them. Don’t buy into it.

      Stay strong and read the book…you’ll think you wrote it!

      Zari xo

    • Um, there are quite a LOT of NPD women out there. This article is very discriminatory. Narcissistic women destroy families, kids and men, causing many men to commit suicide specifically because articles like this make it sound like ONLY MEN are narcissists. The traits are the same, whether male or female.

  3. Narcissist are an awful species. But the narcissistic sociopath is even worse. These people have not an ounce of empathy, care, concern, love for anyone but themselves. They don’t care who get hurts, dies or destroyed. As long as they get their way. Soullous humans they are