Narcissistic Chaos – Creating Turmoil on Purpose

narcissist-chaosThe narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional.

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Everything that a narcissist does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re imagining he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right. Super-sleuthing, because we feel desperate to find answers, often becomes an obsession, making it impossible for us to focus on anything else.  Combine that feeling with the fact that we usually aren’t sure what we’re even looking for – now that’s a recipe for emotional disaster! Again, this is all completely in line with the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda.  Again, it is absolutely intentional.

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This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner. The point of the behavior is to get us to react in the exact way that we do. In fact, inducing these reactions is a very effective way to condition us to behave according to his/her pathological agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs.

Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you. We become entirely different people than we were prior to meeting the narcissist and those around us find the changes not only noticeable but disturbing as well. Make no mistake – our appearance to others is all part of the narcissist’s plan as well and he/she will no doubt use this later when describing us as psycho to justify his own behaviors. And around and around it goes.

The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….

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  1. Hi Zari,
    Hope everything is going well for you! I wanted to share a little good news. Maddie is out of her back brace and is almost finished with physical therapy! Yay!
    I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long, but honestly, I think it’s a part of the healing process. Not only did I need to go no contact (as much as possible), but I needed to stop replaying toxic painful memories in my head too many times…perhaps that was my own form of self abuse, I don’t know. I’m really to the point where I’m not consumed with thoughts of him anymore. In fact, I find it almost unbearable to talk to him. It’s awesome!

    This article really reminded me why he does the things he does. Once you see them for what they are (narcissist) you can almost predict their every move. I haven’t talk to him in probably a month and Maddie’s only talked to him via text twice since their visit over a month ago. We were having a nice birthday lunch with my husband when he called. I have no doubt that he knew it was Jeff’s birthday, so he thought he could rattle our cage a little and call during a happy moment….I didn’t answer the phone. He hasn’t attempted to call me again for several weeks! — Yep, once in a while, something so spectacular happens that my Gospel hand goes up and those walls I built, baby, they come tumbling down. My phone happened to be on the table when it vibrated with his call and Maddie just looked at it, rolled her eyes and we both kind of giggled over it, but moved right along. It was if a double rainbow-striped pegasus-unicorn hybrid sat down right beside us and helped us enjoy the rest of the day without him creating chaos. I think it was the first time neither of us spoke his name or even acknowledged that he called. A rare beautiful moment my friend.

    I finally heard from him today. He asked how Maddie was doing with her back etc. before I could answer, he said that his back has been killing him because he’s been playing “Polo”. I just moved the convo back to Maddie and told him how well she was doing in school. She got a lead singing gig and auditioned for the Oklahoma Opry and got in,(I know I’m a Mom and all, but my girl can sang!) Anyway, it was almost as if he became jealous of her achievements and so he abruptly said “I have to go to a meeting right now, I’ll call later.” Predictable much?

    Love you sister and can’t wait for your new book!

    Xoxo,
    Sherry

    • Sherry wrote…. It was if a double rainbow-striped pegasus-unicorn hybrid sat down right beside us and helped us enjoy the rest of the day without him creating chaos. HOW COOL!

      Hi Sherry!

      So great to hear from you and never worry about being away. I know I start whining when I don’t hear but you’re one of few that I don’t “worry” about, thank God, so it’s all about me wanting to hear “what’s up!” LOL I also remember how I started to pull away from the forums as I got better so I understand that it’s all part of the process. I need to remind myself of that more:)

      I’m so happy Maddie is getting better – yippee!!! I knew she’d survive the Water Park Tragedy because she’s strong like her mom. And congrats to her on the singing gig. She’s really going to be something special and you know it! I thought it was hilarious when you stated that you felt Donny got jealous over Maddie’s accomplishment because that’s exactly what happened. He can’t even hide it well…the narcissism shines on through like a big fucking spotlight! Trust me, the better Maddie does in life, the less you both will hear from him. How predictable can a person possibly be??? OMG!

      In a bit, I’ll send you the PDF version of my new book to your email so you can have a copy. Thanks for checking in because I always love to hear from you. Love to you and your awesome family!!!!

      Love,
      Zari xxoo

  2. Hi.I’ve been married for 15 years.In the last three years I’ve seen the demon rear it’s ugly head.I do a lot of reading on npd. How well these people hide themselves. Some call it a mental illness but i think it’s a diseased perception of reality. They know full well the difference between right and wrong. They choose to do wrong and delight in the misery you suffer because of it.It’s insidious, deliberate and just plain evil.Absence of soul.I know why i feel so drained and don’t even recognize myself when i look in the mirror. Just as a snake wraps itself around it’s victim and slowly squeezes the life out it so is the narcissist. Feeding off of your emotions like a tick, stealing your honesty and laughter selling it as their own then selling their derision as yours. there seems to be an up rise with this pd. Or are we just noticing? If you could see the chaos i live in every day you just wouldn’t believe it. My children and i are suffering the outward manifestations of his inner turmoil. He’s got everything so jacked up. I feel like i’m suffocating. In August i spent 4 days on the cardiac unit. Thank god they found no blockage but the doctors kept asking me if i was under an unusual amount of stress.I am totally convinced his crazy making has affected my health. And your right they have you so broken it appears to outsiders like your the one with all the issues. He knows that I’m aware of his “dark passenger”. The look of hate that comes across his face makes me believe that something truly evil works through him. The only way to win with a narcissist is to not play the game. My brother told me i need to work on getting back to the person i was before i married him and he’s right. The one thing my husband hates most about me is i like myself. I do my best to be kind and show my kids the same.Look ahead of yourself, say “please and thank you” be aware that other people breath the same air as you and it doesn’t hurt to give a smile.It angers him that he can’t manipulate my boys into treating me with the same disrespect that he does. Evil can’t mess with that kind of love. Thanks for letting me share. It lets the poison out a little bit at a time.

    • Ellen wrote…It angers him that he can’t manipulate my boys into treating me with the same disrespect that he does. Evil can’t mess with that kind of love. BEAUTIFULLY SAID, MY FRIEND!:)

      Hi Ellen,

      Thank you for sharing and I hope you find your happiness and peace despite this albatross because you certainly deserve it. If you haven’t already, please read my books, starting with When Love Is a Lie. It’s a cheap and easy download from Amazon and it will empower you!! If you’ve already read it, re-read! You do NOT have to ride in the same car as his “dark passenger” and he does NOT have the right to create such stress and anxiety in your world. You sound like a wonderful, caring, loving mother and therefore your health is so important not only to your own future but to that of your children as well. IT’S TIME TO DEVISE A PLAN, GIRL!

      Stay strong, know that I appreciate you, and feel free to write anytime for support!

      Zari xxo

  3. Thank you again, Zari. Every single time I read one of your articles I simply cannot believe how similar “your” N was to “my” N, and to so many others N’s, I’m certain—-it is truly spine-chilling! I have read so many articles and been on so many different websites–all of them wonderful. However, for me, you are the person I understand/relate with the most. I’m not sure if it has to do with how you explain things/write, or if our N’s were the same type/degree of N, or what it is, exactly, but it doesn’t really matter in the end. It makes sense. You have helped me tremendously. I cannot stress that enough! I have read your book and am currently working on “Stop Spinning, Start Breathing.” So, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! In response to this article, I cannot tell you how many times “my” N would pick a fight for no reason and then disappear for a week, a month, two months, etc., and then show back up with no apology or LOGICAL explanation in sight. Typical N style, he would always want to “start over” and PLEASE give him another chance. I want. I want. I want. Like you, I began to know exactly what he was up to. After about 2 years into a 4 year relationship, I started getting the two week on, two week off rotation game. Then, as with you, each silent treatment lasted just a bit longer than the previous one. By the third year of the relationship I was so emotionally tired, so filled with deep sadness/despair and anger and hatred and rage that I had suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I barely knew who I was and wondered what hell happened to me. It was SOUL CRUSHING. I hated the bastard!! I don’t think I have ever felt so much hatred in my life. But that hatred, for me, led to strength. I stopped caring so much about him. I started boosting myself up and telling myself I WAS better than him. I deserved better. I wanted better. I am still struggling with it because, like you as well, I had 6 months of NC, was feeling fabulous–and here he comes again. Hoovering. I never even heard of that term before, but it was funny because, toward the end of my 2 week relapse, I had a notion to check my email and right there, on top, was an article on hoovering by Melania-Tonia-Evans. Coincidence? I think not. That was it for me. I have been NC now for a month and am getting happier again with each passing day :)

    • Hi Jodi,

      Wow…you had to deal with a two-week on/two-week off too??? OMG…that IS spooky. I don’t know why I’m still amazed by the similarities but I am every time. And it’s true, when I read stories like yours and others, in my mind I’m picturing myself and Wayne. It’s like an instant replay of certain scenes over and over. It’s as fascinating as it is sickening, isn’t it? Lord Help Us All!! LOLOL

      Keep getting happier every day and ignore those hoovers. And even though I know you know this, ignore those hoovers and stay on the path. These creatures are not only demonic, they ARE psychic and they instinctively KNOW when we’re feeling good. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but – shit – it sure feels that way doesn’t it????

      Stay strong, girl! You’re doing everything right. And thank YOU for all the kind words about my articles and my website….it was always meant to be a place of support for all of us to meet and share and recover! And, believe me, I feel honored privileged everyday to be able to speak with all of you:)

      Zari xo

  4. I’ve just worked out that the guy I have been seeing is a narcissist. I have read every article on this site, everything that it written he has been doing to me. I thought I was going crazy with what I have been going through.
    Now I’m lost, don’t know what to do. At present he is giving me the SILENT TREATMENT, which is torture. I know that I shouldn’t want to have contact with him.. Why do I still want to hear from him?? This is so not good, my life has been turned upside down.

    • Hi Kerrie,

      I’m sorry you’re hurting and I wish I could take all that pain away. As you already know, all these guys/gals (who are narcissists) are all the same. They work from the same playbook and their agenda is all about hurting and using the ones that care about them. During my 13-year relationship with an N, I thought the silent treatment was going to be the death of me. Seriously. It’s the cruelest, in my opinion, of the narcissist’s tactics but it’s also the one that we can turn around to our advantage. How? By simply not being there when he returns and not responding to hoovers in any way. By blocking him at every turn…making it impossible for him to contact you via phone and social media. This is the only way and it’s called No Contact. Please, if you can, download my book, When Love Is a Lie, from Amazon because it will empower you to make the right decisions going forward. It will also reinforce what you already know as the truth about this narcissist in your life.

      There comes a time when we really have to ask ourselves if this is how we want to live out the hours of this short life we’re given. Narcissists never ever change – it’s absolutely impossible – and the only reason that they return again and again is to make sure that you never move on from the pain. This being true, our options are clear. It’s time to create your own happiness.

      Please, please read the book and my other ones if you can. Stay educated at this site and others like it and stand strong. Learn to appreciate the silence and use it wisely…it’s a blessing in disguise, I promise.

      Zari xxoo

      • Thanks Zari for your advice. I have been reading everything on this site to help me understand more. In one way its a relief to know that it wasn’t me, but it is devastating to know that the whole relationship was just a lie.
        I had caught him a number of times lying but chose to ignore it, going against my better judgement. I had been single for a number of years and to finally find someone that I thought wanted to be with me was a great feeling and now to realise it was all a lie is hard to accept.
        He lied about everything, where he lived, being on dating sites, his work and how he felt about me obviously.. I recently caught him on a dating site after he was receiving messages from other women, this is how I worked out where he lived as well. I confronted him about it and now he has removed himself from these sites or hidden his profile and of course has now become SILENT again. This is the 5th time he has put me through this torture.
        We had only been seeing each other for 4 months, a short time compared to most of your readers but everything that you have written he has managed to do. Continually accusing me of having other lovers, silent treatment, withholding sex as punishment, cheating, demoralising me, blaming me for everything in the relationship.
        I have never met anyone like this before, for a person male or female to be so heartless and cruel is astonishing.
        My work, friends and family have suffered along with me. I barely sleep and resorted to sleeping tablets to get even a few hours a night.
        I feel like a fool to have let such a fucking asshole into mine and my sons life. He has a small daughter whom I met and I am actually worried about what influence he is having on her.
        I loved how you put that we don’t want closure we want revenge that is so true. I think guys like this should be outted on social media and formal complaints made to dating sites making them aware of these so called men, so they can’t inflict pain onto women. If this was a child molester or rapist they would be broadcasted all over the media. Why should they be allowed to get away with this unacceptable behaviour? This type of emotional and physical abuse is just as damaging to women and men.
        Though I want revenge badly I believe it is more my job to alert women about the PRICK that has destroyed what faith I had in finding true love.
        Sorry about the rant but I am so angry about how this is happening to not just me but to alot of women and men.
        Kerrie

        • Hi Kerrie,

          Yes, I agree that these bastards are dangerous but the abuse, as we know, is so deliberately passive-aggressive that unless you’ve been knee deep in it, you just don’t get it. So, it’s hard to explain to others….and this is why even when we “warn” or “out” these guys, they just keep on keeping on. Sure, they might disappear for awhile but they really do have it figured out. It’s amazing what we put up. I, too, spent many months never even knowing where my ex lived as well. Like you, I had to figure it out, track him down, put the pieces of the puzzle together. Then, as soon as I had it nipped, he’d pop back up, tapping at the door like a little rat, and back into the abyss I went. I talk about this all in my books and especially the “mommy guilts” that I felt, just like you, about putting my son through all that crap all those years. Thank God children are so resilient and forgiving and we can start making new memories going forward. It’s all we can do.

          Although I usually don’t recommend this, I will say that there IS a website where a girl can list a name. I forget what it’s called but you have to sign-up (free) and then you can fill out his profile with his name and so-forth. Who even know if this works because I can imagine that we end up looking bad in some way and he comes up the victim. But I used to think this way: Being a girl, we KNOW how girls think and even if, say, we “outed” him to the new girl and she shrugs off what we tell her because she’s so “in love”, we’d have STILL put the “bug in her ear” and that’s the whole point. From that moment forward, it will always be in the back of her mind and eventually it will all come together.

          You stay strong, girl, and don’t let this get you down. The point is that they will never change – not for you, her, or the next ten people. And, yes, we DID waste a whole lot of time swimming in the nonsense but at least now you know and what’s really important is that you know you’re in good company!!! It’s not much of a comfort but it’s all we got!! LOL

          I’m thinkin’ of ya….hang in there and be happy!!!

          Zari xxoo

          • kerri – name him. i think everyone on this site should name the narcissists in their lives to out them and save future victims from the pain you are all going through. it’s by standing together like this, and creating a not-datable list, that we finally have the power to end unpoliced pathological behavior – and with our own hands, how satisfying.

          • Hi Candy,

            I have no problem naming him at all – WAYNE – and if you get a chance to read my book When Love Is a Lie you’ll see that his name is all over it! LOL There is a site (and the name is failing me right now) but it’s a site just as you describe where girls sign-in and put up a profile (with the name) of the narcissist so others can check if their new boyfriend’s name is on the list. If you search for it, you’ll find it I’m sure and get a kick out of it. I found it along time ago and I thought it was the greatest thing but decided to take it one step further and write a few damn books about him. And so I did! :)

            Thanks for writing!!!

            Zari xo

  5. Thank you for this and reminding me of the garbage I left behind! I never understood why my narc always seemed to create drama, over the stupidest little things. Like one time, he told me not to open a bottle of lotion over his beautiful carpet–I didn’t even spill anything on it but he practically threatened me over it. Or another time when he threw a hissy fit over some people in front of us at the grocery store who had 11 rather than 10 items in the express lane (which is a bit annoying, but that I didn’t think was worth his extreme reaction). However, after reading this, now I have a better understanding of why he stirred the pot and that I was not the crazy one! I’m a very agreeable and peaceful person most of the time and I suppose that was too boring for him.

    • Hi Christine,

      You just keep on being agreeable and peaceful, girl! We spend so much time in the narcissist’s world that we forget what’s normal in this life. These guys are useless on this planet (only they don’t know it). If we aren’t suffering, they aren’t happy….in fact, as I describe in my books when I speak of the pathological agenda, our suffering is a narcissist’s reward for a job well done! Now, without him in your life creating shadows, you can shine, Christine!!!

      Zari xxo

  6. After reading these comments on this website, I decided to post in hopes that I can journal and find some since of comfort in sharing my story. I have dated a narcissist (same one) in 2010 and he eventually disappeared and now he has returned (more financially stable) and is much more torturous than before.

    I am guilty of knowing the signs all too well from my prior experience with him but he came back with the charismatic personality and was showering me with gifts and taking me places and going out of his way to win me back.

    He appeared to have changed in a sense that he was more accommodating to my needs (not emotional) but things that I wanted (He still created chaos and drama but it was mostly in his own life and not mine) (He is also very childish in his behaviors and often delusional). Slowly that all started to where off and the true N appeared. Once he was able to regain my trust he started make crazy accusations and his demands begin to be more extensive. He was never satisfied with any sacrifices I made for him and it would always be one sided about his needs and forgoing my needs.

    Eventually, I just could not stand to torture myself anymore because I was in a tailspin trying to focus on my life, work, school, home, kids, etc. and nothing satisfied him so I eventually decided to end the relationship.

    Shortly after ending the relationship, my son contacted me and informed me that my friend who is the administrator of a training program that my son attended put him out of the school for an incident that did not pertain to the school at all in an attempt to hurt me. After I confronted him, he agreed to let him return because I called him on his childish behavior and he needs to grow up. Then he contacted me the next day and begged for my forgiveness and asked could we hookup for the weekend… Being a fool, I complied and he went out of his way to have a pleasant weekend without confrontation and after that he reversed it on me and said he wanted some space to focus on his daughter… I just lol’ed when he did this because this fool just spent 200 dollars on a hotel, 150 dollars on dinner and breakfast and then gave me 400 dollars to pay a bill… all to try to repair his bruised ego (I would have taken the loss on the relationship and kept my 750)…. but my point is his desire for revenge is so strong that he is willing to anything to destroy me.

    After this situation, about two weeks after, my dog became very ill and slowly deteriorated over the course of a week. I have no idea why I decided to contact him for emotional support but I did. I text him and informed him of my dog and the situation and he was very gracious in letting me know that he would do anything to assist me in my dog’s recovery (even drive two hours for treatment for my dog). I was totally SHOCKED by his response. Thirty minutes later, he text me again and said FYI, I AM THE HAPPIEST I HAVE BEEN IN YEARS… (As I thought, here we go with the BS)… I didn’t want to allow him to take me there and just responded that is awesome. The next day I make the decision to put my dog to sleep because he was miserably in pain and I text him to tell him that I was going and he replied GOOD LUCK! After it was done, he text me with a several messages that said the following: Are you okay? That was the biggest dog right? Respond please? ARE YOU OKAY?… I finally responded and I said yes and his reply was BE HONEST, did you pay that bill that I gave you the 400 dollars… I was like wtf… but once again… I try to avoid showing him that he is pushing my buttons. He responded and told me that he would meet me (we live about 1 1/2 distance from each other) half way to be support. I reluctantly agreed with the thoughts racing in my mind of my loss and not wanting to go home and so I went.

    Once I arrived at Cracker Barrel (where we agreed to meet) we talked (very coldish) and he make a couple of jokes and as we started to warm up he decided that he needed to inform me (two hours after my dog’s death) that he was seeing someone and he was truly happy. I knew the blow was coming but I was numb already so I just decided to get up and leave before I committed murder. He had this smirk on his face that was priceless. The lengths that he goes to to make my life miserable has truly amazed me. There is always that chaos, drama-filled deflecting his foolishness onto me and trying to control me and destroy me. I have been on a downward spiral since the passing of my dog and have entangled in his web of drama and chaos where he is always the victim and my needs are never met and I truly feel like I don’t even like myself for putting up with this BS.

    These type of people are true monsters because they intentionally try to destroy you. It is funny because on our last date, we went to see Nightcrawler and I swear I turned and looked at him in the movies and said… That is so you!

    I wanted to share my story to heal (it is much more) and to finally put these issues to rest. This is only one small part of my life and I will recover and I will!

    • Hi Monique,

      Thank you for sharing your story and please forgive me for taking so long to get to your post. I had actually read this a week ago and was contemplating my answer and somehow got sidetracked…I’m so sorry. First of all, my sympathies on the passing of your dog and what a complete scumbag for DELIBERATELY being EXTRA mean and cruel at such a time. Although it doesn’t surprise me, it still makes me sick because I can completely relate. The biggest key, for me, in mentally breaking free from the narcissistic nonsense was in realizing – finally and for good – that this person I had loved for so many years never (not once) had my back in times of need. Having each other’s back is so much a part of being in a healthy, committed relationship and I think we forget this or perhaps take it for granted. Who in their right mind would even THINK of sending you texts of that nature when you’re dog is so ill and then right after you’ve had to put him to sleep? Who in their right mind would even THINK of asking to meet you right then only to tell you that he is seeing someone else?? Can you even imagine doing that to anyone? No. This is what I go on and on about in my books – the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and it still blows my mind. I feel very sorry for what happened to you. I am so sorry about the loss of your dog and this guy is typically despicable.

      If you can, my friend, please read my first book When Love Is a Lie. It’s downloadable from Amazon and it’s based on my 13-year relationship with a guy just like your ex. My ex, too, would go out of his way to get revenge on the very fact that I even existed it seemed. The meaner he could be and the sadder I was during a discard, the more confident his smirk became. And this kind of shit would come just a day after a rather calm, peaceful weekend – a weekend that, without a doubt, a planned set-up from the get-go. WHO DOES THAT??? A narcissist, that’s who.

      Writing IS healing and I welcome you to write and share here whenever you like. Again, I apologize for the delay and please know that this site is a place of support. Stay strong….a new year is just around the corner!

      Zari xo

  7. I just left him 3 days ago and I went through a cold turkey state this weekend eating, crying and pulling my hair and talking to myself, I have always left him and he comes back in his sheepish style and I run back to him like a starving cat, I took the decision many times but I keep going back to get hurt more.. looking back in reality my life is much better without him I have my own freedom now, with him I wasn’t allowed to go out or talk to anyone, took all my humane rights away and I always allowed him although that deep inside my heart and my mind I was giving myself to an abuser. I used to think that I deserved to be raped and subdued to doing explicit intimate things with him, I thought to myself that he would not cheat on me cause I used to please him in everything. my life went out of the window I gave him my life, I hardly went to work, I was neglecting my daughter my house my pets, I was dedicated to him 24/7. things were going really well and his mind started to panic he used to tell me not to raise my hopes that he’s not going to change his cheating ways or that our relationship wasn’t eternal, he fried my brain to the extent of not eating or sleeping, I lost weight and he started throwing little suggestions to put on weight cause I looked sick and unsexy, my self esteem disappeared, I couldn’t look myself in the mirror cause I think I am ugly and fat..the list of damage is endless I am going to look for help cause I am in pieces

    • Dear Nadia,

      Good Lord, girl, you must pull yourself up by the boot straps and find your way home. This monster has done everything possible to break your spirit but now is the time to really get started on your recovery. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie because you will see yourself on every page. In this book I discuss my 13-year relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend and how he made me half insane by the time it was over. But I also talk about how I changed my thinking so that I couls get on with things. I neglected everyone and everything too thinking that if I only gave him what he wanted he wouldn’t leave me. But he always did. And when he returned, I took him back with a nary a question of where he was or who he was with. All I wanted was the anxiety to go away even if it was only temporary. I know exactly how you feel but I’m here to tell you that it does get better. You deserve to be happy.

      There comes a time where, no matter how awful we feel and how desperate we are to make this person love us, that we have to ask ourselves if this is REALLY how we want to spend the rest of our lives. I know that you know this but this guy’s “bad” is as good as it’s ever going to get. No one – but no one – should ever have to settle for that. Please get the book because it will empower you to see this for what it really is with a lot less pain.

      Stay strong, sister, and understand that you are not alone in the fight. Feel free to write anytime because I am here to support you:)

      Zari xo

    • Yeah, i know where you are coming from. They rob you of your life..and make you an extension of them. My opinion, cares or concerns never mattered..only his. he’d have to pretend to care, love…feel anything. It was all an act, to benefit him of course. He ruined holidays, special events and birthdays. I suppose he thought he had to be the source of happiness, or how i felt. He made sure i felt like shit, because he did! he beat, raped and did all kinds of abusive things to me. he was a very sick man, very sick! i finally left, after..many attempts and going back to him. however, after 11 years…and suspecting he had done something really bad. Right under my nose, that was it for me! long story short..I had no contact with him, cut him out of my life for good. i made a promise to myself, after so many failed attempts to stay away from him. That, if i could ever get away from him one last time, i would never see or hear him again. I did just that. i didn’t miss him, or nothing about him. my love had turned to hate, that was even before i had left him. So, i made it out alive, knowing he would run a smear campaign on me. All that didn’t matter to me, i knew what to expect from him…i knew him well. It helped me to appreciate my new found freedom. my freedom felt so good, unlike how he made me feel.

  8. Hi Zari, I have read When Love is a Lie, now reading Stop Spinning, Start Breathing. Everything you say about the narcissist is sadly so true. I have been married to mine for over 40 years. I found out in the 38th year he was a serial cheater from the year one till year 38 when I only confronted him because of his emotional abuse of the silent treatment and cold shoulder that I suffered anguish over all those years and finally a light went off in my head. More like an explosion. I call it my epiphany. My whole life with him was a lie. He would give love and attention one day and the next pick a fight and withdrawal all love and devotion with his silent treatments. For years I worked hard to be perfect because of his constant withdrawal of love and care. I succeeded in personal perfection as a women, mother, wife & homemaker. We were envied by what people saw, what they saw he gave me in gifts & life style, many of my friends wanted to be me. I found out, got him to admit what he was by telling him I saw lies on his face. That confession took me 5 months to get after his last 3 week silent torture. I knew that last time it was never me, it was always him. He had the nerve when I called him at work about how he was treating me, he said that after a 45 year relationship we had nothing in common and he had been unhappy for over 10 years. He did that to try and scar me. I was not scared, during those 3 weeks, I relived our life of 38 years in my mind and there was a lot of things he had to answer for that got brushed under the rug. I started questioning him about the past, after 5 months one day I told him that there were lies written all over his face and today was the day he answered all of them. He did. Shocking, he had been serial cheating, having affairs with the most disgusting hard up women in the world. Some I knew of, some I had seen. Not to be believed. He had to go to therapy for his “sex addiction”. But as you and I know he will always be a narcissit. Only now I do not play back. I am still with him, too late to start over for me. The really sad story is that a year after his confession our son was killed, my husband was fired from his job, kind of the result of our son’s death. Too long of a story but all related to his behavior’s through out our lives. His living in his own sneaky, separate self life. He destroyed a lot of lives in our family. He tries to play the victim now, but he will never bring me down again. Normal people do not realize that there can be people like this. They are monsters, they feed on you and you don’t even know it. This one was a pervert behind a desk too. Ask him why he did what he did, he does not know, so he says. Claims he was not looking to replace me. Tries to tell me because of his therapy I need to separate the man from his behavior. I don’t think so, what people do when they think no one is looking is who they are. There is definitely something missing in these kind of people. There is no reaching them. It is all fakery. So that is a little bit of my story. Thanks, for putting your story out there for people like me to read. It helps. Lisa

    • It is not to late for you to leave him! That’s called learned helplessness, and I can relate, because I’m dealing with it right now too. I have been brainwashed to feel like I could never afford or take care of myself. Or I have felt like I have no other options, because I have been isolated and I have no friends and my family is even more abusive than he is. And sometimes change is hard, you don’t want to leave your home, etc. But, I will get out. I will be financially independent. I will make it on my own. I have hope, I hope you can have it too.

      • Carrie, you’re so right that it’s never too late to leave and make a fresh start for yourself. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be pulling for you and Lisa! Just from what you’ve said and the hope and determination you’re showing, I have faith that you can do it because that’s the first step. Hey, these narcissists weren’t always in our lives and we managed to live without them before, didn’t we? So why not believe it’s possible to do that again? I know women who left horrible long-term marriages and start over in their 50s and beyond (and sometimes, even find better men than the ones they left). I don’t think there’s ever any “expiration date” when it’s too late to start new.

  9. Hi! This website has been a sanity saver. I never could understand why he went into such tantrums over some of the smallest things while I put up with huge insults or irrational behavior. I thought I could predict when he was going to loose it and tried to prevent them. I am still confused over the last one. What he is accusing me of saying is unrecognizable in the words I actually spoke. But this will be his version he tells his coworkers (his friends) that all thought highly of me. I even refused to answer him when arguing sometimes and said he would just twist words around. And of course I know they will believe what he says. He isn’t going to tell anyone who doesn’t since he only surrounds himself with people who idolize him.

    I know I hung on because when things were good, it was a good relationship and I made excuses for his behavior when he had his hissy fit thinking he was sabotaging us. I thought when he finally saw I wasn’t going to abandon him and try to work things out when we disagreed, the episodes would diminish. The “walking on eggshells” is all too familiar. The latest argument accusing me of being such horrible person that is no where close to what I am is a new level of verbal abuse.

    I am amazed at the familiarity in everyone’s stories. Continued strength to everyone.

  10. Until I found Zari’s books I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my husband of 38 years. Thank you Lisa. I read your post and saw that there are others that have that many years and finally see the truth.
    This is my first post but I will be back.
    Thank you Zari!!

      • 28 hours NC. 6 months of grovelling, crawling, begging, going fucking crazy and I am doing ok. Today I am Postponing and Pretending. That really does help. Tomorrow I will face tomorrow. Just get through today!! But I am also reminiscing the past. Now that I see him for what he is makes it all so much clearer. I feel sorry for the son of a bitch. He doesn’t even see it!! He is now buying hookers, spending $300 a weekend at strip clubs and on other women. Our old “house” – it was never a HOME – burned 3 months after I moved out. He now lives at his sisters, sleeps on a couch and lives out of Walmart bags and eats Burger King. He has gotten 2 more credit cards and has racked them to the top already. (Of course I know because I stole the bills out of the mail!! AND destroyed them so he got behind on his payments!! ) I love it!! I have a very nice place and have made it my home. He is really going down hill fast. Is that normal? Do narcissists ever hit bottom like an addict? Anyway, today I see that I was the one that kept him from going to the gutter. HAHA!! Without ME he is a piece of shit!! LOL!!! I am SOOOO much better than him! Gotta share this because this is what I had to deal with when I told him yesterday I was onto him and he was OUT of my life. He stood across the room with this smirk on his face and said “You want to fuck me, don’t you? I can see it! You want to. Come on – fuck me! You know you want to!!” That was it for me. He will NEVER touch me again. He thinks his penis is some kind of magic wand! HA!! Not for me! In fact HE IS NASTY!! I know I am going to make it this time. 38 years and I see him for what he is. Been a long road. If I fall I WILL get back up. I have this place and these people to help me now. Thanks for listening. Love for any comments you have. I don’t want to be over confident at this point. I just want be more aware of his tactics every day.

        • Becky wrote…..Our old “house” – it was never a HOME – burned 3 months after I moved out. He now lives at his sisters, sleeps on a couch and lives out of Walmart bags and eats Burger King. He has gotten 2 more credit cards and has racked them to the top already. (Of course I know because I stole the bills out of the mail!! AND destroyed them so he got behind on his payments!! ) I love it!! At first I thought you were feeling so sad for the monster and then HAHAHA!!!! Good for you!

          Hi Becky,

          Thank you for sharing and I can tell that you’re going to make it just fine. Whether or not they go downhill or hit rock bottom usually depends on what “other” scenarios they’re juggling at the time that you end it. If they’re at a point where they can just jump into another situation that will keep them afloat, then it will appear that they are doing quite well. If, as mine did and yours too, they’re on a relative’s couch eating burgers and buying hookers, then to us that would appear as if they’re going downhill. The truth, however, is that it only appears that way because a narcissist, since they view everything in their life on the same emotional level, is usually somewhat okay with however it works out. When it gets a bit too inconvenient, they may slither back but other than that, it simply becomes an easy, unencumbered opportunity to seek out that new supply. Bastards!

          You are doing fine, sister, and everything you’re feeling is so normal. You just continue to Postpone & Pretend every day and one day you won’t even have to think about it – you’ll just do it without pretending. Enjoy your home and make it your own. You MUST go no contact and block every avenue of communication. As long as he can easily send a text, make a call, get a message, or whatever, you will be connected. Cut the ties that bind, girl, and get on with the life that you deserve:)

          Keep me updated…I’m here to support you:)

          Zari xo