Narcissistic Chaos – Creating Turmoil on Purpose

narcissist-chaosThe narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional.

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Everything that a narcissist does is done with the purpose of keeping you on your toes, afraid of his next move, wondering what he’s doing or not doing. You’re forever hoping he’s not doing what you’re imagining he’s doing (which, of course, he is!) and you may turn to super-sleuthing to prove yourself wrong or right. Super-sleuthing, because we feel desperate to find answers, often becomes an obsession, making it impossible for us to focus on anything else.  Combine that feeling with the fact that we usually aren’t sure what we’re even looking for – now that’s a recipe for emotional disaster! Again, this is all completely in line with the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda.  Again, it is absolutely intentional.

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This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner. The point of the behavior is to get us to react in the exact way that we do. In fact, inducing these reactions is a very effective way to condition us to behave according to his/her pathological agenda. Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs.

Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc. It’s a terrible way to feel and it’s all part of the narcissistic lover’s plan to control you. We become entirely different people than we were prior to meeting the narcissist and those around us find the changes not only noticeable but disturbing as well. Make no mistake – our appearance to others is all part of the narcissist’s plan as well and he/she will no doubt use this later when describing us as psycho to justify his own behaviors. And around and around it goes.

The more you suffer, the more he knows you really care and the bigger rush he gets….

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52 Comments

  • Ernest

    February 19, 2017 at 11:41 am Reply

    I find it interesting (and alarming) that these kind of discussions always use “he” and “him”. I assure you that Narcissism occurs at least as often in women.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 19, 2017 at 1:29 pm Reply

      Hi Ernest,

      As I’ve explained many times, I use “he” because I speak from my own experience and because using “he/she”, “him/her”, etc. in every sentence makes for a lame read. I’ve also addressed this issue directly to the guys in this letter of apology article to male victims. so please do read it. In addition to that, I have written a book specifically for the guys entitled When Evil Is a Pretty Face which speaks to the evils of the female narcissist – an entity, by the way, that I have always stated is far worse than her male counterpart.

      Male victims of female narcissists will find no bigger supporter online than myself and the members of this community, I promise you. I apologize for the gender reference but I do speak for and fully support both sexes in this very nefarious type of relationship.

      Zari:)

  • Noreen

    November 14, 2016 at 1:22 pm Reply

    Oh my gosh! I thought I was going crazy! These are my exact same story. My boyfriend of 18 months tried to control me in every way. We lived together, then he would throw me out. He took control of my house and made me go deep in debt. He caused me to lose my job and then when I tried being a real estate agent, he sabotaged it also. I see now it was to make me dependent and make it so that I couldn’t make it without him. Every time we would end, he would say terrible things about me and blame it all on me and then days or weeks after, would show up at my door, promising to change. This last time, he ended it two weeks ago by texting me that he was seeing someone else. Then of course he blames me for not making him feel special and that he didn’t think it would hurt me because I didn’t seem to care anyway. This was after I made sure he had an extra special birthday including a balloon ride! He has contacted me since, dumping off my stuff with a note saying he was sorry but …. And also sent me a long email also extensively blaming me and saying that he forgives me for all the awful stuff I did to him. I have not responded and now after reading your articles and these stories and reading more about narcissism, I know I can never speak to him again. I know this new woman is getting the love bomb right now and he is focusing his effort on keeping and controlling her, but I know as soon as he is dissatisfied with something she says or does, he will be showing up at my door again. I am preparing myself for that. It does hurt to think of him being with this other woman and that she is getting the best part of him right now, but I have to instead, remember all that crappy parts like when he would give me the cold shoulder as punishment or spin an argument into a crazy spiral of blame and belittling and contradiction. It is easier this time I think because I can see how crazy he is and is selfish reasoning behind his actions. I caught him in a blatant lie this time, and I think even he realizes I can’t possibly forgive him for it. But if he tries to show up, I’m prepared to ignore him or call the cops. I feel so much stronger now, thank you.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 21, 2016 at 2:06 am Reply

      Hi Noreen,

      I’m sorry for the delay in responding. I hope that you are still remaining strong and ignoring those hoovers. BLOCK his number and any number that he can call you from so that he can’t barge into your life with some benign request or comment anymore. If there’s a knock at the door, do not answer because he WILL go away. I used to get in the shower and turn the water on full blast so that I wouldn’t hear the knocks or the calling out of my name or the rocks against my third floor bedroom window. Eventually, he would go away and I would have a breather until the next time and they got farther and farther apart. You can do this!

      Stay strong and remain diligent. Block, block, block.

      Zari xo

  • Jan

    November 13, 2016 at 10:44 am Reply

    Wow, thank you so much for writing this and I will get the book. reading the comments here has also brought light to mine eyes and so I thank you profusely for this, commenters! I have been the victim [no more] of 3 of these actually 4 bc I just discovered my mother has some traits of this as well. I am the daughter of a father who was never around, flying for business and showered us with gifts to replace real love. I learned this happened increasingly when I got older bc he had emotional trouble with seeing me as a woman, bc he was a womanizer. Early childhood was fun and easy, but things were weird there too like when he had me walk around the topless beaches of Nice, France, with him taking photos of women.

    FFWD – my daughters father was a total narcissist and would always be gone, totally self centered and played out his victimization at work on me when he came home. He spent hours just sitting in his truck in the driveway, avoiding us till it was time to eat or sleep. He had other issues but this was a major piece in my divorcing him back in 2009-11 [finalized in 2011] HE WAS NEVER THERE and was totally stunned that I wanted a divorce… yeah right buddy, I am an always will be a single mom. [3 moths prior to the D – He would leave before we woke up and come home after we were asleep — and never answered his phone, even when I was diagnosed with BC, he was ‘somewhere’]

    FFWD to now, i had been alone for 6-7yrs and met a guy I had been FB friends with through the Deadhead community [I thought they were more ‘with it’ and ‘cool’ bc I was] He saw me at a Dead and Co show in SF and I didn’t hear him, my friend did, but bc I am an intuitive empath seer HSP shaman lighworker [yah all of that! and an essene ] i had a voice tell me I was going to meet someoen that night. I realize now he had been psychically targeting me for a while…

    Things he did:
    He was a truck driver so I only saw him one a month or maybe once every two months but the time leading up and away from this was like a drug addict expecting a fix and then despondently desperate after the drug leaves. I became in a cycle of fear for the leaving bc afterwards he would get all weird and accuse me of being with other men. Yes, the sex was good, more than good and he seemed to activate me sexually like no-one i’d ever experienced before. this was the drug… I turned into someone I had wanted to be and had been craving to be seen as – a sexy vivacious woman, which I am so I thought this was good. He activated me and I had been dreaming of this kind of spiritual sexual connection bc I thought my marriage would bring this, but it did not.

    He gave us many things, later that I learned were tags he put on us to stake his claim to out energy, he liked us and we fed his need for psychic food. There were so many things but I resonate the most with the piece about the chaos bc I could never tell when he was going to “go crazy” and suddenly accuse me of trying to attract another man when he was away. He had, what I later learned was a genetic disposition called ‘morbid jealousy’ and ‘paranoia’ due in part to his lineage [italian and austrian] and also being ‘trained’ and raised by an older father born in 1910 who took him to Vegas a lot.

    I am guilty of hoping he would change and that I would somehow find that magic bullet that would make him be the person he was half the time… the dream lover, the kind sweet unconditional giver and provider. He was going to buy me a house in Utah, but it was a shotgun shape and this was telling… my other was fearing for me and showed me the plan for control he had been laying out of making me isolate through fear. I am learning so much now!

    3am arguments by video chat bc I though he needed to see me to be ok, I seriously thought he was going nuts on the road and that only I could save him. I see the road did make him nuts… he had been out there for 11years [he said that was 2x to the moon and back] and I think that would make anyone nuts. I felt like I had to stay on the phone with him on caffeine rushes to keep him awake or going so he could do his job and pay the bills. A true coda lady! I was ‘HELPING’. there were other factors too, his ex baby mama was jailed and the kid now 19 was motherless, but she just suddenly came on the scene when he met me… and now wanted a relationship with the son. I see now, this was the beginning of trying to make me jealous, the photos of exes on his profile, to get me off center. I wasn’t bc my love was strong for him and it was new for me… i am loyal and this is why when he was accusing me of cheating, it did not register, but later the gas lighting made me doubt myself and see that i possibly was looking at married men, even though i never pursued them. He made out that the thought was enough.

    Oh! and speaking of enough… there were past life karmic things to clear in the connection with R and so this was also a piece… [yes, I have been through the wringer!] There were catch phrases he’d say “ I AM NOT ENOUGH” meaning him and that he will ‘stay with me until I find someone better’ i mean WTF if thats the case, leave now right? what is that? cognitive dissonance? mind fuckery? yes all of the above.

    We had a lot of fun at concerts, but there was always some weird disconnect there like he was in with the band and I was a giddy gal hooting and hollering dancing my ass off. It was fun, but it was trippy. I’d always feel like I wanted him, I was very turned on and needy I think and I own that… I probably have an issue with self control and bc of my upbringing need to look at that. [I’ve been in therapy most of my life and am navigating this well therapy free I believe now, but I must speak on this next part bc its important…]

    This brings me to the tech infiltration. Bc of my sensitivities, and our online relationship, I feel that he spies on me through my cellular level and technology. I have no contact now but I feel him in the air around me haunting me like a ghost bc he knows I am sensitive like that. I am a medium. So on this level it is a psychic warfare of sorts. How does one undo this kind of infiltration on the energetic levels? Well, I have been working with an exorcist and many light worker friends who have been helping me raise my frequency and unloose me from this psychic vampire. He wrapped me in wire [psychically] to the point of when I healed from this I broke out in a physical rash all over my outside perimeter [not under arms or back of legs funnily enough] only where he crush hugged me one night in the truck. He asked if he could do this and I let him, but I didn’t understand what he was doing psychically. My friend dewired me and I am free now but not without the scars from the sores. I got strep which turned into a scarlet fever of sorts, I didn’t understand and this all happened on my move and coincided with the breakup. Yes, 3 fold whammy… I am strong!!! Leo here. He is a Sagg and i think signs and karma play a part in these things… SO, I had a huge move [10yrs in same place to far away, away from family, sick and a huge breakup]

    I was only with him for 9 months but every full moon we had a drama. He created them… I wasn’t allowed to go to shows w/o him bc he was hawk eyeing me remotely constantly. It was so hard, I had very acute awareness [even now] of his energy around me. They try to keep their food scared and isolated. I felt like I was dying many times, I felt like my skin was on fire. [That was the wire – a psychic control system he put in place to make me feel like I was nuts and needed him to be ok.]

    So, I am free, but I continue to fight on the psychic levels… there is still program running that down the road, I’ll need him and he’ll be there for me. He said it. I believed it. That when my mother dies and I have no one – no where to go, he’ll be there for me… to control and keep me safe… in his clutches.

    I am still working on that one… its in my brain. He played on my fears. He knew how to read me. He seemed like a pedophile too. I didn’t see anything in real but for some reason I’d reach out psychically to my daughter to make sure her soul was ok. Sometimes this would happen during sex when she was asleep in the other room… this freaked me out bc he seemed to get more excited when this occurred. BIG RED FLAG. I didn’t believe this would happen in real, but the thought was ‘around’. And I am getting warm just typing this truth bc I have not shared this openly with many.

    I am still working on releasing this short but impactful relationship and I hope my sharing this helps others as your shares helped me.

    I want to say to the men who are victims of female narcs, I understand your need to be heard. Please keep speaking up. This seems to be more prevalent with the men victimizing the women but I know it happens both ways. I think/believe that the genders flip sometimes… he accused me of being more like a man and he was a woman. He started the relationship off like that… with that mind fuck but later i realized it was bc of the past life stuff where I was a man and he was a woman and he did act like one. Leo is a masculine sign and I have always been strong… a light warrior and courageous contender in the fight for truth. I think thats why God has had me experience this… this dynamic bc I see that there is hope here. This is why I believe I could have changed him. In fact I have a friend, a younger woman in Canada, who seemed to exactly mirror my experience with her guy while I was experiencing mine! it was soooo weird!!! its still on with them, but she has surrendered to the lessons and is working with him… he is an addict as mine is and as I am/was. WE are all in this together… i think its a pretty sick world no? we have to learn to raise our frequency and stay aware of ourselves as best we can. I have another old man friend who just wrote me yesterday [knows little of my plight] and he said ‘Jan, and about the men – you dont need one.’

    I’ll stop there as I can go on lol [member of on and on and on anon lol] and say thanks for reading… God bless us all.

    • Zari Ballard

      November 14, 2016 at 1:03 am Reply

      Wow, Jan…thank you for sharing all that. Right now, I am convinced, this is a time of spiritual warfare on this planet and these creatures – narcissists, sociopaths, etc. – are minions of a very dark side. I understand about the psychic connection you felt because I felt it as well…however, since then, I have come to the conclusion that it is more a demonic connection than it is anything else. For people to truly connect with one another on any spiritual or psychic level (remotely or otherwise) that is worth anything, they have to have empathy…they have to have a soul, a heart and, as you know, these people lack all of the above. Sure, the sex is great but it’s hardly worth it in the end when we realize we have to save our very lives.

      I loved your post – thank you so much for sharing!

      xo

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