Narcissists, Holidays, & the Seasonal Discard

narcissist-holidaysWith the holiday season upon us, those in relationships with narcissistic partners will be doing some extra special suffering. Narcissists are legendary holiday buzz killers and, if the narcissist is your partner, you could end up in any one of a number of situations depending upon your place in the narcissistic queue. Yes, as the holidays roll around, it’s time for the narcissist’s seasonal Devalue & Discard (D & D) and those who are the most convenient in the narcissist’s life will likely take the hit. Sound familiar?

Although it’s likely that you already know exactly what I’m talking about,  allow me to share a story or two about my own holiday experiences with a narcissistic partner and let’s see how close I get to hitting the nail on the head about your relationship:

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Almost every year for thirteen years, my ex, the Narcissist, would steadily ramp up the narcissistic chaos and turmoil until around mid-October and then, after creating some ridiculous blow-out,  he’d vanish until somewhere in January or February. Every year without fail for thirteen years. It was the most blatant narcissistic behavior  ever – the D & D before the holidays – and truly the most painful. I can vividly remember spending many of those Christmases cowered under the blankets in my dark bedroom, unable to get out of bed, while my son played with his new toys alone in the living room. He would leave every October for no reason at all, shutting off his phone and vanishing from whatever apartment he was living in, never to return to me until well after the first of the next year….long after the holidays were over. The pain of being abandoned at this time of year, every year, rendered me inconsolable. I never got used to it.

In December 23rd of 2009, after my N had been gone two months and I hadn’t a clue where he was living, I became determined to smoke him out. During “normal”, much shorter silences, I could usually do this with minimal effort but this time time I was stumped. I knew it called for drastic measures.  On a hunch, I used Facebook to send a quasi-anonymous message to the girl that he had cheated on me with the year before. If he was with her this year, the least I could do was make his holiday as miserable as he was making mine. As it turned out, my hunch was spot-on but the result was over-the-top. Within two days, the N, determined to keep me at bay, had me served with a Temporary Restraining Order on Christmas Eve at 8:00pm (an TRO, by the way, that he would break just a few weeks later when he suddenly returned).  When I heard the knock, I actually felt a wave of relief thinking it was him. I remember taking the paper from the Sheriff’s hands, shutting the door, and crumbling to the floor in my hallway, sobbing uncontrollably. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not get this guy to have a heart even though we – my son and I (his “family”, as he would say) – had been by his side for well over a decade.

Now that I think about it, I’m fairly certain that the 2009 Order of Protection was the only Christmas present the N ever gave me!

You see, narcissists are incapable of handling any time of year or any event (birthdays anyone?) where they might be expected to show responsibility and loyalty to the people that care about them. This is not to say that he doesn’t spend the holidays with someone somewhere -because he does. It’s just that he chooses the environment and/or relationship situation that is most self-serving to his seasonal narcissistic needs – whatever those may be – and that is where he’ll spend his time during that part of the year.  A narcissist is seasonal. Without fail.

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To make it work, the N will likely have at least two households where he is able to set up shop during the year – one being for the spring/summer season and the other being for the fall/winter season. Depending on which season he’s in, much of his time will be spent trying to thwart the current girl from finding out about the off-season girl. To eliminate unnecessary hassle, my ex would prepare for his post-holiday discard (from her) and eventual comeback (to me) in advance by getting a new cell number, a new apartment (or no apartment), and a new job (or no job). He would either connect or disconnect various aspects of his life in various combinations to make it happen. He’d make sure he had  everything in order long before he even thought about hoovering

The bottom line is this: when a narcissist comes back to you, he is vanishing from someone else. Of that, you can be sure. Then, when it’s comes time to dump you again, he has to do everything in reverse. The vanishing acts, of course, are also called silent treatments and we’re all familiar with that narcissistic tactic. At some point, it has to stop. At some point, we have to decide how we really want to spend the upcoming new year. Normal people do not act that way – even in the most dysfunctional of relationships. We become so accustomed to the neglect and abuse that we completely forget what “normal” even means.

Yes, the narcissist will ruin every holiday without fail for as long as you allow it. He has no intention of ever doing it differently no matter how he professes that “this Christmas will be different” during your on-season together. A narcissist simply can not keep himself from upping the chaos and turmoil during the events of the year where you or others would most like – or expect – to have his company.  This would include birthdays, anniversaries, births, deaths, and, of course, the festive holiday season. The narcissist’s seasonal D & D is one of his/her most prized strategies for breaking your heart because it never fails to do so. Even if every other narcissistic weapon in his arsenal were to back fire, the narcissist knows there will always be a holiday just around the corner where a disappearance or silent treatment would deliver a foolproof knock-out blow.

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Here’s the deal…our suffering changes nothing. You must remember this!

Don’t let it happen this holiday season. If you’re still in the relationship, the chances are that he will leave. While you can’t control his behavior, you can certainly control your reaction. Let him go and enjoy your holidays. If you’re out of the relationship and having a bit of relationship amnesia about his holiday behavior, let this article be a reminder of what you’re missing and be grateful for every moment that you’re missing it!

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Updated from original post of 10/2014.

 

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105 Comments

  • Kellie

    December 29, 2014 at 10:13 pm Reply

    My n bf distanced himself from me around July after I had an emotional crying fit. He kept contact with me all the time making up excuse after excuse why he couldn’t visit (mostly working or illnesses). He does have a demanding job but I know it was excuses. My phone got shut off the end of October, and he thought I was ignoring him. He sent an online message saying “I take it ur pissed”. I waited a day and told him my phone was shut off. Then a few days later I asked if he wanted me to be passed because it sure did seem like it. He said no that he had been wanting to see me but this and that. I said I didn’t know if it was lack of interest or circumstances. He said he had interest but it was circumstances.

    So he started coming back around. Calling me terms of endearment etc… A week before Christmas he came over. Everything was going well but I gave him a shirt to give his son. He doesn’t keep his son and doesn’t have contact but sends him things. He started opening up, then talking about his ex etc.. Showed some “emtional” or whatever. Got somewhat distant after.

    On Christmas Eve sent text asking about my well being. Nothing on Christmas. That night I sent one saying hope you had a good Christmas. Hours later I received “u up?” I said yes. He never answered. I sent one “why do you ask” ? No response. The next morning I got one saying “when did you say ur son is coming back home” ( this making me hopeful he was going to come over) I told him, he said ok. Later that day I found out he has an online dating profile saying looking for nothing serious and full of 1/2truths. I sent a message saying ” I’m upset” at 3 am. He immedialty texted back “why, I’m the one that got us a room and forgot to tell you” ??? Wth? I said for when? He said for that night, someone gave it to him but would be a waste of my gas. Then he said he was coming in the morning and he had a surprise. I guess the surprise was him not showing up. I sent a few messages out of anexity that day “excited about the surprise”. Nothing… So I sent one saying that when I was upset it wasn’t at him but something else. I said that I knew he was independent and I thought it was best if we didn’t see each other on his vacations from work (because this is always when we have more problem) that we could see each other on a regular day off. Of course no answer. I’ll probably wait a week and just pretend nothing happened as I know he won’t explain. I need to know what happened? Why he ruined my Christmas on purpose? I’m sure he is busy with new supply? But why the sudden niceness and then no show? And the purposely build up if anxiety in me? Please help! Sorry so long.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 10, 2015 at 1:43 am Reply

      Hi Kellie,

      Thank you for writing and I must apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I’ve been sick and although that’s no excuse, it really put me down for the holidays. I hope you are doing okay and I relate to your story because my ex was famous for ruining every single holiday season starting with Thanksgiving. This is what they do, girlfriend. And yes, the behavior will typically start with niceties and end with a silence and there will be nothing you have done to bring it on (as usual). The way I see it, the reason he does this way is so that you never see it coming and therefore do not have a chance yourself to ruin his holiday, know what I mean? Narcissists feel perfectly justified in behaving this way because they only think in terms of “a means to an end” in everything they do. The last thing he wants is for YOU to mess with HIS good time and so he does what he has to do which is confuse the hell out of you. While you’re sitting at home trying to figure out why and what happened, he’s continued on with his holidays without you and/or with someone else. If you put yourself in his shoes for a second (yuk!), you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.

      Let me know how it worked for you and if you’re okay. So sorry about the delayed response!

      Zari xo

      • Kellie

        January 12, 2015 at 11:22 pm Reply

        Thanks for your reply. I really hope you are feeling better! I don’t know what happened after I left this comment, but I sent him a text saying I thought it was best we didn’t see each other on his work holidays anymore. He didn’t answer me for 3 days. Then there was text after text about being sorry, etc.. Then text after text about him being a failure, self destructive, etc… I ended up having to build back up what seemed like someone ready to kill themselves.

        He came over and cried for two days about all his past and present failures. He confessed he was an addict always looking for his next high (used to be drugs)… that he had been using new people to get high. He said he wanted him, etc… play a part in my son’s life etc.. The next day he deleted his dating profile on his own terms ( I never mentioned I knew ). He also wiped out his phone of contacts, etc.. However, ever since he is now in the state of funk, depression, etc.. I don’t know if he’s mourning the lost of his new supplies or disappointed in himself. :-/ Just so freaking confusing.

        • Zari Ballard

          January 22, 2015 at 6:07 am Reply

          Hi Kellie,

          Jesus…are you SURE you aren’t dating my ex-boyfriend? In those two paragraphs that you wrote, you described Wayne to a tee…the whining about the drug habit and his failures and how he has always wanted to be in my son’s life (yet broke every single promise he ever made to him)…the wiping out of the contacts and deleting profiles to “show me” he meant what he said…me feeling as if he was perhaps feeling suicidal. Yes and even the funk, hiding in his apartment (or so it seemed), sleeping, being depressed…blah blah blah. So what’s really going on? Well, it very well may be that they feel bad about the fact that THEY CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING THEY WANT RIGHT THEN…THAT THEY CAN’T BE HIGH AND/OR BE COMMUNICATING WITH ALL THOSE GIRLS ON THE DATING SITE WHEN THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH US AND OUR SON AND WHOA IS ME…I FEEL SO BAD FOR MYSELF!!!! WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT??? MAYBE I JUST NEED TO TAKE A FEW DAYS OFF…YEAH THAT’S IT. I’LL JUST SLIP INTO A FUNK AND MOPE AROUND. AT LEAST I’LL HAVE TIME TO MYSELF AND SHE WON’T EXPECT ME TO DO THE “BOYFRIEND” THING BECAUSE I’M REALLY NOT INTO IT RIGHT NOW. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GETTING DEPRESSING AND IT’S MAKING ME DEPRESSED. WHERE’S ALL THE FUN? AM I MISSING IT? WELL, FUCK, I’M JUST GOING TO MOPE AROUND UNTIL I FEEL BETTER AND THEN I’M OUGHTA HERE. TOO MUCH TO DO. AND I WONDER WHAT THAT HOT GIRL ON THAT DATING SITE IS THINKING BECAUSE I NEVER DID GET BACK TO HER. DAMN! I HATE THAT. I’LL HAVE TO CHECK TOMORROW. NOW, I KNEW KELLIE WAS GONNA CHECK IT SO I TEMPORARILY DE-ACTIVATED IT. I’M SO SMART. I’LL HAVE IT BACK UP IN A MINUTE. ANYWAY, IT SURE IS BORING AROUND HERE BUT – HELL – I NEED THE REST. I DESERVE IT.

          You get the idea. It’s all about him. While he’s moping around, you need to be thinking long and hard just how long you want to put yourself and your son through this. I know it’s not easy but I know you know what you need to do. Life is only going to get shorter and we must make the best of what is left for us. You deserve to be happy.

          Stay strong and keep me updated…. I do appreciate it!

          Zari xo

      • Kellie

        January 19, 2015 at 3:24 am Reply

        Well he lasted 17 days and reactivated his online dating profile. He’s been very bitter the past two weeks. I sent a message today about my birthday yesterday no answer. I waited 8hrs, sent another ” what no happy birthday from you” no answer, yet his account on pof has been active several times… When you don’t exist, you don’t exist. I’m thinking he’s bitter on his dependence on my supply

        • Zari Ballard

          January 22, 2015 at 4:57 am Reply

          Hi Kellie,

          Well, first of all, Happy Birthday! You should consider giving yourself the biggest gift of all and that is going No Contact on the narcissist in your life once and for all. To text him about the birthday played right into his hands and I have no doubt he ignored it but with a smirk on his face. Narcissists are never alone, as you know, and there’s no reason on this earth that any of his antics – including the dating profiles and silent treatments – should ever be acceptable. We tend to forget what’s normal in this life, learning to accept his crumbs of attention as if this is all we deserve or could ever hope to get from a person we care for. The insanity must stop and only you can do it.

          Block him. Change your phone number. Stop looking online for his profiles. Don’t answer the door or read letters or email. Believe me, I’ve been there, done that and it’s futile to say the least. Enjoy the silence for a change and think real hard about the time between now and your next birthday. Since he is NEVER going to change (nor does he care to), only you can change how that year plays itself out. And he’s not bitter about his dependence on your supply because…well…narcissists don’t really care either way. If he was dependent on your supply, he wouldn’t be hitting the dating sites or ignoring your birthday. The truth is that the fact that YOU texted him on YOUR birthday shows your dependence, not his and, believe you me, he knows this all too well and will milk it for all it’s worth. Narcissists NEVER sit around feeling bitter about anything…they just keep moving along in their nasty ways until they’re ready to come back. Unfortunately, the supply that we provide for a narcissistic partner is simply one of convenience because it takes mere crumbs to get us to snap to attention when he gets bored with whatever else he happens to be doing. In fact, as his “girlfriend”, we are really secondary on the supply chain and all the rest come first. It’s hard to wrap our heads around that because we always think of it in reverse. But we’re wrong. And so is everything about this guy and the relationship.

          Stay strong! I have confidence you will do the right thing, sister!

          Zari xo

  • Amy

    December 29, 2014 at 7:28 pm Reply

    Zari, I a, staying strong and I am reading your books. It has been tough but your books are helping. Got an email at work today how he doesnt want to argue anymore. lets discuss it, and please i forgive you. i love you and I FORGIVE YOU> (He forgives me??) Heh. unreal. He forgives me for the abusive and the crazy making tactics, he forgives me for telling me to leave that night, when i chose to leave because i cant deal with it anymore. How nice that he forgives me. He wants to start the new year right. After blocking, i get fake emails and texts. How he only wants to talk to me and i just have to say sorry/ he misses me and my daughter so much. He never lived with another. I think thats how i got so close and so clued in to how odd certain things are.. like thinking about about finding double same valentines day cards. … Did u ever get fake emails? and his mom texted me, I didnt reply. I have a big heart and i hate anyone being upset but none of this is normal. .
    Thank you SOOOOOOO MUCH .. Your books are really helping me see the veil amongst everything. xo.

    I trully wish everyone the best.. Keep staying strong,.. empowerment to each other.

    xoxo

    • Zari Ballard

      January 12, 2015 at 8:23 am Reply

      Hi Amy,

      Happy New Year to you and I have to apologize for taking so long to respond. I do hope that you came through the holidays unscathed although I know he was hoovering. Please drop me a line when you can to let me know how that turned out and if you were able to keep him at bay. The holidays are the worst because it brings out the “best” in the narcissist (as disingenuous as it is). If you have to, re-read the books because there’s always something you missed the first time around that will help.

      Stay strong, sister! I look forward to an update from you…:)

      Zari xo

      • Amy

        January 12, 2015 at 6:25 pm Reply

        Zari.

        Happy New Year. I am doing the best I can and staying strong as I am able.
        I almost caved but by reading and having a close friend who has been reading on Narcissm help me I am overcoming not falling back into the fog. He almost had me convinced. Hoovering, trickery. wow are they good. After sitting outside my work for 2 hours I saw him for 5 minutes. Im sending you the jift of it,. ( It was funny because i prayed that day on the way into the office to please give me a sign. When we were talking his phone rang, and it was another girl. How funny the same name of me._ We spoke to her and she was sommeone who was HIS FRIEND> for 4 years.. married, and someone who they dated each other on and off. how funny i never heard of her. and calling him right at that moment). Anyways, he insisted hed do anything in his power to show me he was sorry. he wanted us to come home. so he said hed go to therapy. I told him IF he did therapy and he admitted his manipulations that id conscider. So we scheduled therapy for Thursday. The time being he got sick. ( Monday) Not justyfing it but he really was sick,. He was supposed to let me get my car back. I even said id make him soup, (god knows why because hellsay im so heartless.) Waited to hear from him, I texted him and he kept walking in circles about he was sick. IM SO GLAD I STUCK TO MY GUNS AND DIDNT GO HOME> (however not once saying ok well how can we get the car to you). trying to piss me off im sure. and it worked. so i told him to forget it. got a ride and told him how pathetic it was.. of course i was selfish and inconsciderate because he was sick . He called me those names, after the day before he was crying out side my work.. Crocidle tears im sure. Then he went to not talking to me for 3days, to not showing for Therapy.. (BUT im sure you guessed, he wasnt showing. even my sister in law guessed he wasnt showing. ).I showed of course. Because being that I actually have a heart and I actually am a kind person I trully hoped he would show. However in that time of not showing it helped me. I am thankful he didnt show because through it all, he said he forgot as I FORGOT he was sick. All smoke and mirrors. RIGHT? I am seeing through it all… This last time of his word and not showing to a therpist, where the therapist felt bad for me. . Right then and there I knew what i knew in my head, i just had to know with my heart. Nothing can ever make me ever go back to the N. now. I dont want anyone feeling bad for me. I just want to get through this. and recover and never deal with him again ever. It has been since December 15th and i have not gone back. . Still at my parents no home or car, but working on establishing it all again for me which is what I once had until i gave it all up for him. I think after reading your books all the things that make sense now. God, so text book. I am picking up from where my daughter and I left off and he continues to send me projections and things of how I NEVER cared. HOW im heartless, he was sick and i just dont care and i never fight for him. but I am staying strong. He even tries to get his mom involved . She texts me and I can almost see how they almost work as a team? can this happen?
        Regardless im starting a blog. and Im starting to do things i used to love to do.. emitting my own frequency and putting out positive energy and loving ME> i gave up so much.
        I will keep in touch. I just want to know if things ive mentioned are things they do.
        They are soo tricky and good at what they do. ..
        Such monsters in trying to make u feel bad and blaming you. .
        BUT in the end. I am staying true and strong. staying by the facts and logic. And knowing that I will never go back.. Only forward to bigger and better. Yes i hurt somedays. but it gets better. and once you at least see through that fog. and I go back into your books and comments and notations and think ALL LOGIC. . We deserve better in this world..
        I am thankful for you and those who help in the fight. xoxox

        Sorry its alot of rambling. But thank you. Im protecting my spirit. and my daughter and I. Im so blessed i found you that day.. Your books have helped me more then you will ever know and I will only ever promote that and try to help others in knowing that there are people in this world that are worse then MONSTERS>

        much love and hugs to you 🙂
        thank you .Amy xoxoxox

        • Zari Ballard

          January 12, 2015 at 11:10 pm Reply

          Hi Amy,

          You and your daughter are going to be just fine, girlfriend:) I can feel it in my bones. I know it’s hard but starting from scratch means that life from now is going to be on YOUR terms and the sky’s the limit – for both of you. Just keep in your mind that the only reason a narcissist returns again and again is to ensure that you never move on from the pain – and that is the ONLY reason. Crocodile tears are just that and they mean nothing. As for the mom, oh you bet they can work as a team. The ex I speak of in the books…his mom was a narcissist too and although I really liked her in the beginning, he did his best to keep us separated, eventually turning her against me, so that he would always have a safe house to do whatever he wanted (and where I knew that I wasn’t welcome). So clever, right? It’s best to simply cut all ties that bind no matter who it is because any connection that has anything to do with him is only going to come back to bite you. It really is like starting with a clean, sparkling canvas on which you can paint any beautiful picture of your life that you want. It’s all yours!

          You’re doing so awesome and I’m really proud of you. I knew you could do it from day one…my faith has never wavered! Stay strong, sister, and always keep in touch with me even if it’s just a quick update because I’ll be wondering:)

          Much love and many hugs back,
          Zari xoxo

          • Amy

            January 13, 2015 at 6:03 pm

            Thank you for your kind words and inspiring support. Yes they are very clever, until you see through it all. I will definately give you reviews on Amazon and continue to fight the good fight. To this day he tried to communicate with, fake texts, fake emails, calls, how i never cared and I am shallow . That he cannot believe a woman would do these things. Now i see its all projection. I know we will be ok. I have a story way even before him, and i will not do anything anymore then live for ME. I will keep you posted. It helps me, and I read everyday new things and your posts, and others whom have been through what we have.
            I really am thankful. and blessed for your thoughfulness that day.
            You really helped.

            Have a beautiful day!
            xoxoxox Amy

          • Zari Ballard

            January 22, 2015 at 6:13 am

            Hi Amy,

            The best thing we can do is read and learn and write and share…and stick together. There is strength in knowledge and numbers and we’ve got to stay the course. As you say, live for YOU and the person that you were BEFORE he weaseled his way in. In doing this, remain committed to the end result – your sanity – and never give up no matter what distractions he tosses your way. SEPARATION, DETACHMENT, AND INDIFFERENCE……those three are the key!!!

            Zari xo

          • Amy

            January 13, 2015 at 9:02 pm

            The thing that kills me most is the nicey nice to mean name calling. Like night and day. Like a school yard bully because hes finally not getting his way. I almost caved and thankfull i didnt. i saw through it. so now its all my fault now. once again. and how i never wanted anything he did. Like give me a break. its repulsive. All i want is my daughters picures and my family pictures from the house. i dont want anything else. i dont care. . if i could get them id be happy. but i wish theyd magically appear.
            And others reaching out, see how i am. all proxy like u say. Everyone will be cut out. I want no part of any of it. Its maddening.

            Thanks Zari for always listening:) xoxoxo

          • Zari Ballard

            January 22, 2015 at 6:08 am

            Anytime, girlfriend! I’m here to support you….:)

            Zari xo

  • Patty

    December 26, 2014 at 3:46 pm Reply

    I found your website at 3am on 12/26, after sobbing for close to 24 hrs. Now, it took 5 yrs before I heard “narcissistc”, and it knocked the wind out of me. I thought I was losing my mind. I never thought such people existed. The veils of lies and excuses evaporated, and I was a clump of a fool in a pile of emotional ruins. I saw how he sabataged friendships and potential jobs, then used the threat of “get out!” if I didn’t act/ say/ be who he wanted… invisible unless he needed me. The “i can handle this phase” was next, followed by “no I can’t” phase. I decided to leave. No training, no money, no place to go, no money to get there. I got on disability for severe anxiety- quietly banked every dime. Got a small lawsuit settlement- banked it. Then, I screwed up. We’re in a hotel at $1800/month. I found a dive mobile home. Took my savings, bought it, spent $ and 9 months fixing it up. He said “we’ll flip it”. I said the money was borrowed from long lost ex and needs to be paid back ASAP. That was 2 yrs ago. Once he realized I’d get the profits (AKA have money), and 9 months of 12 hr days of me working round the clock on it… THEN he decided we’re not moving. Mobile home is in his name. So, I can hear you asking, “why didn’t you buy it yourself and kick him to the curb?” Because there is lot rent and credit/income checks to be approved. I didn’t have enough income in govt $$ to cover the lot rent. So, here we are…. sitting in a mobile home that is now worth $25k (total investment was $10k and sweat equity). A guardian angel, who knows nothing of Narc, stepped in and said, “let me buy you a house, it’ll stay in my name- if I die, it goes to you”. The issue? How do I get my money out of this mobile home? Part of me (especially 3 am 12/26) has visions of him leaving for work and me having the moving company pull up and take EVERYTHING, down to the wall plates and bathrm vanity. There isn’t much. Street value of about $3k. The other option is to say “yay! we have a house!” and sell the mobile home, and quickly get the money from him through paying contractors, and buying appliances, etc… let hm do some construction work… then wait til he throws one of his infamous temper tantrums and boot him to the curb.

    So, why was I crying all through Xmas? Shortly after we met, we spent a lot of the first few years homeless. For the past ten yrs, I pet/ house sat for 3 days over Xmas. Every time I left, or returned, I said “this is the last yr I’ll do this, I want to go to the family cemetary on Xmas”. This yr I stayed “home”. Well, he does hardwood floors, which I am highly allergic to. he used my car for Sept/Oct for work, returning it like the wood aisle at home depot. I dont’ drive much, maybe 3 times/month. (When HE lets me have gas- how pathetic is that?) Now that it is cold, windows are up, heater is on, spores are activated, I’m sick. Didn’t cross his mind that w/bad lungs, raging sinusitus, getting into my car filled with dust was not an option. His solution? Ignore it. Xmas morning- I’m up at 5 am in one bdrm. 7 am- he’s up. 1st-wish FB friends Merry Xmas. 2nd- play video games. 3rd-feed walk dog. 4th Make instant oatmeal. 4th- wish me a Merry Xmas in a sarcastic voice, see that I have been sobbing (I NEVER cry), 5th walk away and not talk to me all day. The turkey, my 1st Xmas dinner in 20 yrs, is still in the fridge, uncooked.

    but the gift he gave me? (Not, “buy and wrap” type- never got one of those). The gift he gave me is finding these books, this website, and finding a way to get myself back. I’ve often thought that I don’t even know who I am anymore- and I don’t have the energy to rebuild me… and where to I start? All I know, have known, for 16 yrs is being ignored, terrorized, threatened, and emotionally raped (emotional boundaries are a joke to him). I will get out of this, I will rebuild, and then pay it forward.

    Big question…. how to get my money back. I really need it for rehabbing my next house.
    The budget for purchase price is low, so it will be a rehab, and code won’t pass title without inspections passing, meaning $$$.

    Suggestions?

    • Patty

      December 27, 2014 at 10:08 pm Reply

      Update… We haven’t spoken since Xmas morning, though living together. My choice. He’s in the “come closer, so I can slap you” phase of being “nice” by getting me coffee and leaving on the counter, shampoo’ing the liv rm carpet, etc. “Too little, too late, pal!: is my thought. Started reading your books. “Your suffering is a Narc’s reward for a job well done”. Love it! Perfect. Well, i have high cholesterol, he constantly brings McD”s/Pizza/etc home. I’ve learned long again “eat it or starve”. Well, I reclaimed my power! He can throw anything my way…. junk food, dust (allergies), etc… doesn’t mean I have to accept it. So, I’m slowly working on a dozen eggs… lunch/ dinner. He brought McD’s yesterday- put it on counter. I put it in the trash. It’s about not being heard…. about food I can’t eat, holidays, having choices. Incredibly empowering! It’s been three days since a conversation… and a cold day in hell before it happens. OH! I found a support group about an hour away. They have online chat meetings, too! Right now, as I’m slowly getting back to me, I wonder how I strayed so far away from me… and am astonished as to how many choices I have (except what to eat). Come Monday morning when he goes to work, I’m going to get money from my emergency cash and make a beeline to the grocery store!!! 36 hours! Yaaay! So, looks liek he gave me a great Xmas gift… the final knife in the heart that pushed me over the edge of “tolerating”… my turn to ignore- I’ve learned how to do it from the best! LOL!

      • Zari Ballard

        January 2, 2015 at 10:29 pm Reply

        Hi Patty,

        Well, Happy New Year to you and I’m certainly glad to find your update and that you’re feeling better, more empowered! And thank you for reading the books, my friend. Please do leave a review at Amazon when you have a moment – it would be most appreciated:) Now, though, we still have the issue of the trailer and the finances and what you will do to take care of yourself. I’m a little confused about the trailer because of the fact that it is in his name. If that is the case, I fear there is nothing you can do ever to recoup any of the money that he does in fact owe you. If you have any money left at all, please keep it to yourself and make your plan of escape. You know all too well that none of this is ever going to get better and that you’ve fallen into a co-dependency pattern with this person (perfectly understandable, by the way). The fact that you were homeless together for awhile struck me as the perfect conduit for becoming even more connected to the abuse than would happen normally. Being homeless, with or without a partner, is a very helpless situation and I can imagine that when your are with someone and going through it…well…the tendency to want to stick things out with this person must be intensified because anything else that happens after that has got to look promising. I’m not sure if that makes sense and I hope you understand what I’m getting at. The truth, of course, is that it is only the circumstances that make it appear promising and it is absolutely an illusion. The narcissist will not appreciate your history together and all you have been through as a couple. He will be just as mean to you in an $1800.00/mo hotel room as he would if you two were homeless together and he is when you’re both in the trailer. He sees each situation as no different than the other (compartmentalization). They are not capable of happiness except for when they see that you are NOT happy…it is the only thrill they get so therefore they spend a whole lot of time trying to be the asshole that are!

        I want to try as best that I can to give you advice about the money so maybe you could explain it a little better. What do you think that your options are?

        Zari xo

    • Zari Ballard

      January 2, 2015 at 10:32 pm Reply

      Hi Patty,

      Please see my response to your “Update”/2nd post. Thank you!

      Zari xo

      • Patty

        January 3, 2015 at 8:33 pm Reply

        Thanks for the reply. I reread my posts, and can see how it was confusing. My reason for saying “$1800/month hotel” was that it was a dive for NE USA, and my taking my “savings” and getting us into a mobile home at one third the monthly expense. Of course, I told him “I borrowed it and it needs to get paid back”. Income- many years ago I got onto disability, which isn’t much monthly income. Not enough for a room in a rooming house, let alone an apt. So, the new house that was offered by a friend- I would just pay taxes and utilities. The issue is getting my money back from the mobile home to pay for the repairs/ appliances. I thought maybe if I tell the SOB that “the money needs to be invested in the house or he’ll (the buyer) will throw us out” would work. But, knowing him and his unscrupulous nature, he’d say “don’t care, see ya” and take the money and run. Or, working from his “what is yours is mine” perception, while the excitement of moving is still fresh, I could tap him for most, if not all of the money from the sale of the mobile home- then boot him out. He really has no place to go, so that’s in my favor that he sticks around until the upgrades are done on the house with the proceeds from the sale of the mobile home. God, I want this to be over…. At least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Jean

    December 25, 2014 at 6:44 am Reply

    Girls im honestly sorry to read all your stories. Men like this are evil. I’m going through this at the age of 20 (just turned) I spent 3 years with a narcissit who is 8 years old than me. I left him after he asked to borrow my inheritance money I recieved. It’s a long story but he’s a piece of shit. I can completely understand what some of you mean when you say they take off or turn distant and you expect it every so often and You’re so conditioned to thinking its normal and he will come back. No! Once your out of this tangled web of lies and abuse you see how messed up HE is. My ex tried to blame me for every bad thing in his life, he made good money but his terrible money management was my fault, him missing rent after I gave him my portion and he was paid, after he came home from a work trip broke somehow it was my fault for making him depressed about his money issues when rent was due the next day and I find out he has no money. Three days after I got inheritance he was asking for almost half of it. Ladies these men are SCUM. I’m disgusted by the way he treated me and even I still have moments of sadness for the relationship I HAD. not the one we shared because his feelings and what he contributed weren’t genuine like mine were to him. Christmas is a funny time of the year, last year was our first Christmas together in our new place, I spent 500 dollars on his gifts (a whole cheque) he had a new gold watch, clothes, everything he asked for. What did he get me? Three things from the dollar store along with dollar store candy some cheap makeup and said he would pay for my personal training (I thanked him for the dollar store gifts) when I asked him for the money so I could pay my trainer I found he told me he would only be able to go half with me… When he said he would pay for it. This Christmas I have plenty of money in savings, was able to buy some beautiful gifts for my siblings and parents and not blow my budget. It’s only been three months since I left him but I know once I get through New Years and Valentine’s Day I’ll be good. I hate holidays like this simply because im single, but i think if any of us think back on pervious holidays they were full of drama or didn’t pan out to be what they should have been. I love this article! Definitely going to keep reading on here, knowledge is power and we will ALL get past these people. Merry Christmas everyone focus on the people in your life who love you truly. They’re what’s important.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 1, 2015 at 10:52 pm Reply

      Dear Jean,

      At just barely 20 years old, you are so wise, girl, and there isn’t anything to add to your words of wisdom. It’s obvious that you understand what happened to you and that you “get” the dynamics of this kind of relationship…that it’s all about the narcissist and that these types of creatures will never ever change. More importantly, you’ve clearly got a grasp on what and who is REALLY important in this life. YOU, sister, are going to be just fine!

      Happy New Year to you and please do stop by to write here any time!

      Zari xo

  • MovingOn

    December 25, 2014 at 1:19 am Reply

    I met my N last April and dated him until the end of august, after becoming fed up with all his lies. A week later he rented out the house next to mine and a week after that I found out I was pregnant (later found out he sabotaged my bc). I tried to make a go off things for our child but had a horrible pregnancy, sick the entire time and contractions the last two months of it. Around March I tried to discuss my fears of us being parents, not 5 sentences in he screamed if you can’t trust me we are over. I continued to hang on and gave birth prematurely a month and a half later. He helped out very little and went about his life, finding other women. Mid-June I gave the ultimatum that is was me or his other girlfriend, he chose her and has been with her ever since. He brings her home constantly and flaunts her kids every chance, playing with them in the yard, babysitting, etc while only spending the court order 2 hours per week with our daughter. At our child support hearing he had said he would be moving in sept (end of his lease) but here it is I am glad that I didn’t end up with him and have been using our lawyers for commu dec and he is still there. I never let on that him living next door irritated or bothered me and have been using our lawyers for communication the last month but feel stuck in my recovery. Normal break ups you don’t have to see your ex every single day, I am lost on how to get the mental space needed to move on fully and would love whatever advice I can get.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 1, 2015 at 10:44 pm Reply

      Dear Moving On,

      Welcome to 2015 and I hope your ex moves away! I am at a loss as to what to tell you to do that you haven’t already been doing. When I respond to letters, the first thing that I do is put myself in the shoes then person writing and your shoes, I must admit, made me very uncomfortable. How the hell do you do it? I can’t even imagine having to live next door to that monster because I know exactly how he thinks and, yes, I have no doubt he is flaunting his life in front of you. I am also shocked that his new “girlfriend” would even be okay with the situation…what kind of girl would do that and what has he told her that would even convince her that any of it – ANY of it – is okay?

      Now, having said all that, let’s figure out what your options are. Given the fact that you still live there, I am assuming that you own this house or are in the process of owning it (have a mortgage), right? If you were only renting, I would think that you would have moved out long ago to get away from such a horrible situation. Is it at all possible for you to perhaps rent out your house for a few months (on a month-to-month basis or short-term lease) until he leaves? Or perhaps, do you have a close friend who lives in a decent/convenient area who would swap with you? I know it sounds crazy but I can GUARANTEE that if you leave that house, he will also leave because he is ONLY living there to ruin your life and the life of that baby. It’s none of his business where you move to or why you are leaving or who lives in the house while you are not there so it’s not as if you owe him an explanation at all. Believe me, I understand that to do any of this with a baby is overwhelming but, My God!, what choice do you have?

      Other than the above, I have to say that not letting the bastard know how you feel about him being right next door is all you can do. Personally, I would be a lunatic and probably to the point that he would leave on his own just to get away from me. That of course could be your other option. SHOW him and his girl how much you hate it and he just might leave overnight. Right now it’s all too easy for him to stay there. He only has to walk next door for a two-hour visit and the rest of the time, since you act normally, he gets to fantasize about how miserable he is making you. Maybe you should give him what he wants. Turn it around. Make him sorry for what he wishes for. Other than that, girl, I would find a way to get out of that house. How much do you really love it? Is it worth your sanity to stay there? This is what you have to figure out.

      Please let me know your thoughts on this….

      Zari xo

  • Anonymous aka Diane

    December 23, 2014 at 8:11 pm Reply

    Zari–

    Something I did not share in our consultation, which makes this holiday especially painful is that I am also estranged from my adopted daughter for similar reasons I am going no contact with the ex. There was double trouble here with two non empathetic people who I have tried to enable “to death.” It’s different with a child of course. You can just stop speaking when they are young. I should have terminated the adoption before it was finalized. But you know me. I will stick with a bad situation through thick and thin. But as she grew older –she is now 23 — and slowly pushed me away with her lack of caring, lack of respect, stealing, lying and conning her way into a pregancy with her Facebook friend, I have had to distance myself physically and emotionally from her. Just let it go.

    She has returned to live with her birth mother who lost custody of her when she was a toddler and this past October, around the same time the ex launched his silent treatment, she delivered twins.

    She is unmarried, and has no education or skills to speak of and in spite of what she told the babies’ father about the $400K trust fund I have established in her name (one of many lies) literally doesn’t have a pot to piss in. Neither does the birth family she now lives with on the opposite coast. Thank God for tax payers.

    Between the narcissistic ex boyfriend and the naricissitic estranged daughter I am experiencing ferocious mood swings. I go from despondency to joy. The joy is finally understanding that my co-dependency in these toxic relationships is what extended them far beyond their expiration date. I am what you call an over nurturer–all in the name of love. BUT I DON’T HAVE TO DO THAT ANYMORE.

    Yes, it is a profound disappointment not to have what I always hoped would be the picture perfect Christmas. The handsome boyfriend. The beautiful daughter. The even more beautiful twin grandbabies. The big Christmas tree with lots of presents underneath. The dog, the cat, my 90 year old mother.

    Well I still have the pets and the mother — my initial toxic narcissist who has mellowed with age. Thank God for that! At the end of the day, I guess I have a lot to be grateful for.

    Happy holiday to all of you and thanks for listening to my pre Christmas rant!

    Wishing all of you an empowered life in 2015!

    • Zari Ballard

      December 27, 2014 at 10:22 pm Reply

      Hi Diane,

      You can rant pre-Xmas, post-Xmas, anytime that you need to! In fact, we did discuss your daughter and the painful estrangement (albeit briefly) and oh-my-God of course this is causing you additional pain. I am so sorry! The female narcissist is even more sinister and cold than the male narcissist and especially to family members. There is no way you could have ever known that things would turn out this way with her….you went through with the adoption because you wanted to give this person a good life. I imagine that her increasing coldness and deception must have been very disturbing over the years. We expect that of teenagers and maybe even young adults and in the early years we can blame it on adolescence and peer pressure and a number of things. Eventually, things level out and relationships with parents connect again but this isn’t the case with narcissistic children. Just as they will do as adults, the compulsion to follow that awful agenda is seemingly ingrained somewhere in their brains. Although it is only my opinion, I do think it has much to do with the very initial birth environment….the distance…neglect…who knows? Their awfulness is somehow predetermined from day one and from then on, it never waivers. It’s mind-boggling when you realize that justifying their own false sense of entitlement in life is the one thing that they ALWAYS follow through on.

      At some point, you know, your daughter may hoover as well and you may just end up having a whole lot to do with those twins! You are absolutely correct in backing away – especially now while the situation with that other fool is so fresh. This is such a weird time, Diane, and, as I type this, I’m thinking that perhaps the fact that Xmas has passed and now New Years is rolling around is a blessing in disguise. It’s best to get the hardest times out of the way RIGHT NOW so that next year it won’t be nuthin’ but a thing! And a new year is a fresh slate no matter how you look at it. Be diligent about your plans for the upcoming months. Break 2015 into “chunks” – maybe four chunks of three months or 3 of 4 – and take it one chunk at a time. Create an attainable goal/accomplishments for each period and focus only on that during that time. It could be something as simple as “I’m going to meditate every morning for 20 minutes” or “I’m going to create a gratitude journal and write in it every morning and night” or “I’m going to go to Jamaica and lie on the beach and do nothing but soak up the sun” or “I’m going to sign up and start a class or TEACH a class or…” anything you want. But do it for yourself and no one else and you’ll discover a whole other version of perfection that simply makes a lot more sense. Girl, your people-pleasing days are over!!! LOL

      Here’s to getting back to normal and recognizing it when we get there! I’m thinking of you:)

      Zari xo

  • Amy

    December 23, 2014 at 6:30 pm Reply

    It has been on and off 4 years with the 42 year old, Narcisst master of disguise tattoo artist, love of my life that has no empathy whatso ever.
    I am finally done. After giving up everything i have after moving in with him 3 months ago, I packed a bag along with my daughter and left. Yet its all my fault. Years of blame, projection that I know now is projection, crazy making, non empathetic, verbal abuse. I gave that man my all. everything. and in return i lost basically everything i own, but i have my sanity and my daughters safety. Saftey from the manipulation he started to play to her. It has been days and i still cant even get a paid of my daughters roller skates from the house . I requested my things back that he picked and chose to leave outside on the porch. Im 35 years old, had everything raised my daughter alone, and was doing ok until i met this inhuman of a man. I will be ok, but wow. the things you dont realize until u are out of the fog. I found you today and I am so thankful. Its Christmas and Im sad but the same time angry, that I allowed to be sucked in so many times to someone who trully doesnot care. Your stories are trully helping me. Id rather have no home and no car and be back with my family then ever have to deal with him again. Is it n ormal to get repetative late emails.. He will text me at 3:33 a.m to say.. im so hurt you were my everything, and im nothing to you

    • Amy

      December 23, 2014 at 6:44 pm Reply

      His second place, his studio. I was just to blind to see it.
      Makes sense as to why people would say things like that in the past. Somone admitted it once of having him as a f buddy for a bit there. It makes me sick that I gave my all to someone like that. Pathetic.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 23, 2014 at 8:51 pm Reply

      Hi Amy,

      Thank you for sharing, sister, and your post made me very sad. As soon as I am done with this response, I am going to send the PDF versions of all three of my books to the email that you used to comment here. My gift to you and I want you to read them all starting with When Love Is a Lie. You will see that we lived the same life with the same monster and you will become empowered to start your new life in the upcoming new year narcissist-free.

      As you know, there is nothing you could have ever done to change the situation. No amount of love in the world would ever be enough and all they feel is entitled to hurt us. Forget the roller skates – there’s always a thrift store some where that will have everything that you left there. Block his number so that he can’t text you or call you. Make it impossible for him to communicate because you already know that it will all be bullshit and it will be all about him. End it for you and for your daughter. I, too, was a single mom and my relationship lasted 13 long years. Please promise me you will find a way to read the books as soon as you can. I know they will help you get through the holidays! Life is too short to ever allow these bastards to fuck with us the way that they do. Nothing about anything they do is normal and we must DEMAND normal from now on.

      Write me anytime and I will now send you the books. Block him – you MUST do that or else you will remain open to his neglect and abuse. A narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain he has caused you – and that is the ONLY reason no matter how he may try to convince you otherwise. It is his ONLY intention. End the insanity once and for all. You deserve to be happy:)

      Stay strong and write anytime! Enjoy the books, sister…believe me, you are not alone in the fight!

      Zari xo

      • Resa

        December 26, 2014 at 9:01 pm Reply

        Zari,

        Thank you for you generosity to Amy! Your book was one of the first i read when I began learning about these inhuman whatever there!’

        Blessings to You,
        Resa

        • Zari Ballard

          December 27, 2014 at 9:33 pm Reply

          Thanks, Resa….all we can do is be here to support each other:)

          Zari xo

      • Resa

        December 27, 2014 at 12:15 am Reply

        opps meant to say whatever they are!

      • Amy

        January 8, 2015 at 1:59 pm Reply

        Zari,

        thank you again so much. Its so hard but thesse books and your kindness and faith help.

        Amy
        xoxo

  • Krista

    December 21, 2014 at 6:05 pm Reply

    Well…I’ve been going around in circles in my head after reading “When Love is a Lie” yesterday. I could relate to so much in the book…the silent treatments, the behavior that makes me feel like I’m going crazy even though I know I’m not, etc. But I still have this nagging little doubt in my brain telling me that I’m overreacting and maybe I’m just misunderstanding him. I’m finding it hard to believe that he’s not a narcissist after reading about the holidays, though. How last Christmas he bought me a candle holder even though I bought him nice presents (he didn’t even get me a candle to burn! Haha). He said he would take me away for a weekend for my Christmas present and when the weekend came said he didn’t have the money. Or how in February for my birthday he got me a cake…and I was shocked! As we ate it at 7PM his sons asked “why are we having cake?” And he replied “oh it’s just krista’s birthday.” Or how the first time he broke up with me was the week before Easter when he was supposed to come meet my family. And how he begged me back by telling me every single thing I needed to hear this Labor Day Weekend. And then promptly disappeared 3 days before this Thanksgiving telling me that he just needed space until the weekend and then we could get together because he was stressed. Haven’t seen him since. He occasionally calls or sends a nice text and says that he’s stressed about his sons and doesn’t have time for me right now but wants me to wait for when he’s ready. I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m going crazy! No Contact starts today! Enough is enough. This has been the worst holiday season I have EVER had.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 23, 2014 at 8:37 pm Reply

      Hi Krista,

      Thank you for writing and for reading my book. It sounds like you’re ready to read my second book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing, which is all about managing the memories that keep us addicted to the bullshit just trying to figure it all out. If you haven’t read it yet, I think it’s time:)

      Honestly, girl, the signs are all there. This guy is a narcissist and he’s never going to stop his crap until YOU end it. The reason he sends a text every so often is only to ensure that you never get a chance to move on….to keep you in the queue in case his current fling doesn’t pan out. And, believe me, a narcissist is NEVER alone although they try to make you think that so that you hang in there, waiting indefinitely for them to return. Narcissist’s are master jugglers…so much so that YEARS can go by without one girl ever finding out about the other or even being able to find concrete evidence. You are NOT overreacting and should NOT continue to think that. The fact is that narcissists condition us to FORGET WHAT “NORMAL” IS. It simply is NOT normal for anybody to behave that way, to neglect you and avoid you and break promises and plans. You shouldn’t be willing to accept that anymore under any circumstances. If you do, you will waste so much of your precious time. Life is too short for that, girlfriend.

      Block him. Make it so he can not communicate with you under any circumstance. It is the only way. Otherwise, the game is going to repeat itself like a broken record for as long as he can get away with it. And if he comes back, you can bet that someone ELSE is getting the silent treatment. And around and around it will go. What we allow will continue.

      Thank you again for writing and you know that I’m here if you need me. Please leave a review for the book if you haven’t already and for God Sakes get the second one. Make 2015 a year that is all about YOU for a change. It’s a fresh start and if you leave the narcissist behind, you will be well on your way to finding the happiness you deserve:)

      Zari xo

      • Krista

        December 29, 2014 at 8:14 pm Reply

        Thanks so much Zari. You’re so right about narcissists conditioning us to not know what’s normal. This seriously resonates with me! I know the way he treats me isn’t normal it’s just been so many years of this treatment that I think I was forgetting what normal was. It makes me sick to think it’s been almost three years of the same nonsense. I’m definitely going to read the book you recommended. Thanks so much for all of the help and hope you give to every one of us.

        • Zari Ballard

          January 2, 2015 at 8:33 pm Reply

          Hi Krista,

          Happy New Year to you and thank you for the kind words. Please do get the book and use it to begin the year with an “I can do..” attitude. Allow no one to interfere with your goals – no one! If we all stick together, keeping each other strong by offering our stories and support, no one will be able to touch us. Stay strong, sister!

          Zari xo

  • Chachi

    December 18, 2014 at 1:53 am Reply

    It’s been a really shitty and emotional day for me. Against my better judgement, I sent a text message to the prick in my life who I believe is a narcissist because a therapist told me that is what he is. The last time I sent him a text, he totally ignored me. This morning the son of a bitch texts me saying ” I ignored u on purpose to see how you would react”. OMG…I totally lost it and spent the next 45 minutes sending the asshole two five page text messages. After the first text I sent him, he wrote ” Ok, enough….no more…EVER”. In my text I told him how he isn’t mentally capable of caring about another human life and how he isn’t capable of loving anyone because he doesn’t know how. I told him he is a narcissistic, shallow, judgemental, cold heart asshole. He couldn’t deal with hearing this and this is why he told me enough and no more. My second text message was brutal….even I can’t believe I said everything I said to him. I told him he is a loser, that he has no skills and has to live with his sister even though he is 52 years old because he makes shit money at his shit job and that any retard can drive for a living. I told him I HATE him for treating me live I am a piece of fucking shit and ignoring me and I told him he better have a good excuse to tell God when he asks him why he keeps hurting me so much. I told Ed I could tell him in a text that I have stage 3 breast cancer and he still wouldnt answer me back …when I told him they found cysts on my liver, he never said a goddamn thing about that so i know he would react the same way if I said I have cancer. I told ed he enjoys conflict and chaos and that he is always looking for a fight. Well, he got exactly what the fucker wanted…to upset me, to get my attention, and to start a fight with me. I was so upset, when I went to the gym this morning, I hurt myself lifting weights because I was using them aggressively as I was so pissed off at Ed. I started balling my eyes out during my workout and as I fought back the tears, I felt as if I was suffocating…I felt short of breath and felt like I was having an asthma attack. I almost stopped working out but then the suffocating feeling passed and I continued my workout until I burned 1,000 calories. I told Ed I believe he is gay. I told him his anorexic and ” slim” ex even told me he is gay. I told him she also told me that he sleeps with his sister. I told him he is a dog because only dogs like bones. I’m still pissed off at him for texting me after I sent him before and after pictures of me and my weight loss in a beautiful 4 dollar christmas card I purposely bought just for him—-saying that I am ” OK” but that everyone knows 180 is too much weight and that I am acceptable at best but that men want slim women. I’ve worked so hard to lose 105 pounds …and ed knows I weigh 210, not 180…not sure I understand why he chose 180 for a number but non the less, he really hurt me judging me the way he did and I felt so insulted…and I told him even when I am as thin as his anorexic ex, I know he STILL won’t like me. I told him if he liked me, he would initiate conversations and text me but that I am the one who always texts first. And i told him he thinks he can come waltzing back into my life after not speaking ( texting ) me and just expect me to welcome him back with open arms because i have always waited in the wings for him and i have NEVER asked him for any explanations as to why he suddenly stopped talking to me once again…in 27 years he has gotten used to me always being there and always letting him back into my life. The problem is so much time will pass between us and I get wishy washy and forgive him and let him back into my life only for him to fuck me once again. It’s a cycle between us and only I can break it once and for all. I wanted to wrap my car around a tree this morning..that is how much he upset me…and he doesn’t give a fuck that he hurt me…he doesnt give a fuck about me at all. In fact, he’d throw a party if I did die! He enjoys and gets his jollies from hurting others. And he has probably murdered someone before, too…it wouldn’t shock me in the least if he has…that is the kind of monster this fuck is. He has NO remorse for hurting me. He simply doesn’t care. I envy the bastard. It must be nice to not care…to not have that emotion and feeling. I hate ed with every fiber of my being and I want my life back. I want to be loved back for once . I don’t deserve this emotional mind fuck game playing. He’s 52 yrs old…this game playing bullshit is so high school. Oh let’s ignore her and see how she reacts….what a fucking fuck. I hope he gets his, he’s a drunk and needs a drink daily to cope with his shitty and miserable pathetic life. I really would love to see someone fuck him in the head the way he has fucked me. I truly believe I would not be bipolar today had no I not ever met the son of a bitch. I was normal before he entered my life. It’s been an emotional roller coaster ever since. I hate that no matter how long I go with the no contact, I can’t erase him from my mind. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and never think of him ever again…to wake up as if he had never been in my life, as if I had never met him…as if he had never been born.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 19, 2014 at 7:58 pm Reply

      Hi Chachi,

      Well, you and I have known each other a long time and I have to say that that is the most realistic, clearly stated, aggressive, grounded message you have ever posted here!! Bravo!! I wouldn’t even care if you didn’t really text him all that, just the fact that all those words came out of your head is good enough for me. I hope you can understand that….I believe you needed to get that out because it’s been bottled up inside for over two decades now that you’ve known this jerk. Block that bastard from ever being able to text or call you again. Let this new year coming up be all for you, okay? I know you are hurting but I truly believe that just coming to this realization to the point that you clearly stated to him all the things you have been thinking and know to be true is an enormous breakthrough. Don’t feel upset about sending the initial text because, if you hadn’t, all of that anger would have stayed bottled up. Do you understand what I mean, sister? I am very proud of you right now. Seriously, I had to re-read your message because it doesn’t even sound like you. Wow! It’s as if you just burst out of a cocoon by venting all that…to him and in your message here. Don’t be sad for too long…be the butterfly you were meant to be, girlfriend. He’s just the rat he’s always been and always will be and you sound like you’re done with that fucking bullshit once and for all. [btw…I love the part where you told him you heard that he slept with his sister! MUHAWHAHAHAHAH!!!!!]

      Love,
      Zari xo

      • Chachi

        December 20, 2014 at 5:32 am Reply

        Thanks Zari..I will keep on keeping on…but I must admit I am a little worried about retaliation…I’m certain Ed is beyond pissed off and I worry that somewhere down the road, he is going to do something to me…years ago someone poured motor oil all over my car…on my birthday…and Ed and I had been fighting at the time so naturally he was the first person I thought of but when I asked him if he did that, he said he is guilty of many things but would never do that…but I have learned the narc always knows all the right things to say even if he doesn’t mean it and although I never was able to prove he did it, in my heart, I know he did. So, I’m worried he will flatten my tires next time or something along those lines. It may not happen for a long time…maybe even a year or two but the narc always resurfaces eventually and I just hope things don’t go badly. I’ve thought of getting a restraining order but a friend of mine said that wouldn’t do anything but add fuel to the fire. Maybe I’m wrong and Ed won’t look to get even…a part of me almost feels bad for all the things I said but I had to get it all out once and for all. Ed needs to learn that he can’t play games with people and not get a negative reaction from them. I mean, he admitted to purposely ignoring me…so yeah, I’m gonna be pissed off, did he expect I’d be like, oh, that’s ok Eddie, I don’t mind you ignoring me, I enjoy talking to a brick wall waiting for them to text me back only to find myself still waiting and waiting. I wish I never wasted 4 dollars on a nice christmas card for him…he had no intentions of ever sending me one back and planned to continue to ignore me straight through the holidays had I not texted him asking him if he dropped dead. I want a guy who wants to pursue me, who will text me without me texting him first…and will call me and visit me…

        • Zari Ballard

          December 23, 2014 at 8:13 pm Reply

          Hi Chachi,

          I honestly do not believe that Ed will try to retaliate. I really wish you would just block his number and be done with it. He has his life and you have yours. He is never going to be a decent guy…you must realize that. I know that you will find someone to make you happy but it’s not going to happen until you let this go once and for all. He’s not worth a second of your time and he never was.

          Stay strong!

          Zari xo

    • Anonymous aka Diane

      December 19, 2014 at 9:13 pm Reply

      Dear Zari and others,

      Being ignored — erased — is especially difficult at this time of the year. It seems that the entire world is celebrating being with loved ones, friends, family, etc. And here I am, still trying to recover from the whiplash I suffered when he decided to stop communicating, stop calling, hang up the phone abruplty on October 9th, mount his horse and ride into the sunset.

      The other times this happened I kept calling, going as far as to drive to his apartment expecting to discover his lifeless body sprawled out on the floow. Once, I even sent a plant to his house — apologizing for whatever it was that unleashed this passive aggressive wrath I triggered.

      This time I did things differently. When he hung up the phone on October 9th after I told him I could not accompany him to Jamaica for three days at my expense, I knew that this was another silent treatment–something I told him that he could not keep doing. He did it anyway and I have not uttered a word. OK, i did send an announcement a couple of weeks later to a small birthday dinner I was having for myself. He never responded.

      Who does this?

      Most of the time I am strong, reflecting on how this is not someone I want, need in my life. But there are those moments, when I want to break down and wail at the meanness of this all. Deliberate meanness is what it is. No heart. No soul. People who care about others, who form bonds and attachments, react in such a way to such a mysterious loss.

      But is it really mysterious? Haven’t I been down this lousy path before? Don’t I read your stories, the blogs, the dozens of web pages describing these people and the spirit crusing games they play with us? Don’t I know that this is a sickness that cannot be fixed, is not rational, is best to walk away from and not look back? I know all that. Still, in my weak moments–like today–I glance backwards and wonder what the hell was this all about.

      Love and healing to all of us.

      Diane

      • chachi

        December 21, 2014 at 2:17 am Reply

        I wish I could be like the narc I know and not feel…they have it so easy…the don’t feel emotion…they don’t love…they don’t care. imagine living a life where you never care…it must be nice to not feel, to not care, ever.

  • Mariana

    December 7, 2014 at 11:03 pm Reply

    Mine is absent right now, as he was this time last year, and as he was, he says, from the woman before me, a couple of years ago. I don’t believe he’s seeing someone else, though that could just be naivety. He lives with his elderly parents, and he has a lot of mental health problems. He isn’t on social media and I have no way of checking up on him, even if that was a good idea.

    And it’s over, so why would I want to know if he’d been cheating on me?

    He used to accuse me of cheating on him, but he’s clinically paranoid – thinks people are trying to poison him, etc.

    A couple of times his mother said she didn’t recognise my voice on the phone – was that because other women were calling?

    I always saw her as the other woman really – he has never left home for long, and he’s 50.

    Ah, who knows.

    I suspect he just doesn’t want to “reward” me with his presence at Christmas.

    And being with him those last few weeks was horrific. He was threatening violence to people, he was angry and hostile and oh God I hated being with him. But now all the lonely craving has set in, of course.

    I do sometimes wonder if he was seeing a man. He did have a few friendships with men much, much younger than him, which I thought was odd, and he is fairly homophobic.

    I should probably have an STD test.

    How depressing all this is.

    • Zari Ballard

      December 9, 2014 at 6:47 am Reply

      Hi Mariana,

      I am responding to this post before your first one only because I read too many things in your message that simply apply to my own ex’s behavior so I simply had to share immediately.

      You wrote:

      Mine is absent right now, as he was this time last year, and as he was, he says, from the woman before me, a couple of years ago. I don’t believe he’s seeing someone else, though that could just be naivety. Mine disappeared every October – late January every year and I’d have to say that each time I relied on my belief that he probably wasn’t cheating on me to get me through it until he came back. I was wrong and, more than likely so are you. There’s a reason why he leaves every year. He’s expected someplace else.

      He lives with his elderly parents, and he has a lot of mental health problems. He isn’t on social media and I have no way of checking up on him, even if that was a good idea. Most single male narcissists have a safe haven (a room and an address) at one or both of their parents home where we think they’re living when their not with us. My ex, who is also 50, did the same thing for 13-years (minus a couple of times that he actually rented his own apartment which was always short-lived and even then he still used his parent’s address). Thinking that this is where they live also provides us comfort. The truth, however, is that they have no home of their own but that doesn’t mean they have no place to live or go. It’s just as easy for them to camp out at another person’s house as it is for them to camp at our house while still maintaining the parent’s home as “where they live”. Mine wasn’t on social media either and it was hard to find ANYTHING on him ANYWHERE but he was out there and he cheated.

      He used to accuse me of cheating on him, but he’s clinically paranoid – thinks people are trying to poison him, etc. Trust me, a narcissist only accuses his partner of EXACTLY what he’s up to at any given moment. Please read my most current article where I talk about this very thing. Mine ex, too, accused me of cheating and – yup! – he even accused me of trying to poison him a few times. And he thought people were following him too (on and off). This is all a distraction strategy to keep you from focusing on what he’s REALLY doing. Boyfriends who really believe their girlfriends are cheating do not leave them alone every year over the holidays. It’s not logical. As for you guy being “clinically” paranoid, I don’t buy that for a minute. Everything you describe is typical behavior of a narcissistic dude who is juggling a couple things, that’s all. You might as well have been dating MY ex – sounds like the exact same guy.

      And being with him those last few weeks was horrific. He was threatening violence to people, he was angry and hostile and oh God I hated being with him. But now all the lonely craving has set in, of course. Narcissists always ramp up the volume of chaos a couple/few weeks right before they disappear. Mine did it every single time – that’s how I started to know that a silent treatment was on it’s way!! And, yes, I had the same lonely craving and this is intentional as well. They make a lot of noise so that the inevitable silence will be deafening and we will become so sad for missing them that when they return, we’ll take them back with little if any repercussions. This is called managing down our expectations of the relationship so that we eventually accept just crumbs of attention – and it works every time. Or as long as we continue to allow it.

      I do sometimes wonder if he was seeing a man. He did have a few friendships with men much, much younger than him, which I thought was odd, and he is fairly homophobic. I had the same suspicions about my guy and I have no doubt that our intuitions are spot-on. The narcissists that engage in covert homosexual activity are the ones who can put up the biggest front – safe havens at mom’s, no social media (that you know of), full of mental distractions and accusatory nonsense, etc. And mine had a love/hate relationship with his mom which did, in fact, make her the other woman over all those years. And let me say this….I too could never really find hard evidence about girls. Although certainly there was one he admitted to years ago and a few mysterious phone numbers that I traced to females after that but no hard proof. SO WHY THEN DID I STILL GET THAT NAGGING FEELING? Could it have been the odd male friends (young) or just men friends that he might speak of in passing yet I never got to know any of them. Or the phone numbers that I found that I did call and guys answered. Or the fact that he was fairly homophobic and made sure to tell me the odd story here and there of how some guy made a pass at him and how mortified he was. Something about all that always left me with a feeling that he was telling a lie – again. Like he was telling me “on purpose”. There were other, more personal things over the years that left me thinking that and I’m sure you have plenty of other reasons yourself.

      I should probably have an STD test. Yes, you should. My ex came back after the holidays passed for about two days before he disappeared again. During those two days it felt to me like he just came back for sex. It was very strange. Then, two weeks later, I get a voice mail from a pay phone number (he always conveniently had no phone when we’d break up and a new number when he returned) and it’s him telling me he just found out he had an STD and that I must have given it to him and what a slut I was. I was mortified. THEN, the next day, I received a call from the local Health Department telling me that he indeed had been treated for an STD and they were given my name as his previous partner and that they suggested I get checked as well. In my state, they won’t treat you unless you give them a name of who you might have infected or who may have infected you. Freaking out and PISSED, I got myself checked not once but twice and I was NEGATIVE. At first I was relieved of course but then something slowly dawned on me: he had already KNEW he had the STD when he came back for those two days. He had wanted to infect me so that he could BLAME me….but his fucking plot backfired when, thankfully, it didn’t happen. Sure enough, a month later he shows up, BEGGING me to believe that he had no clue HOW he got that STD and he heard that you can be BORN with it and blah blah blah. I was so disgusted by not only the STD itself but by the way he probably got it and the kind of sleazebag (most likely a guy) he got it from…so sickened by the thought, in fact, that I just let it go, choosing to forget it instead of listening to the ridiculous lie. After that, I periodically (and secretly) checked myself so he learned his fucking lesson on his end although I’m sure he kept being a sleazebag because they just can’t help themselves. Here’s my point: check yourself. Your intuition is always right, sister. Even if you can’t prove it and have no way to even begin to do that, you’re STILL right.

      I know it’s depressing and if you read through the comments here, you will see a zillion stories that are just too close for comfort. It’s like we all lived the same life with just some slightly different than others. But your story and mine – pretty much identical. It just is what it is.

      Please, if you can, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because you will see yourself on every page. It details my relationship and it also explains how I mentally got myself out of it…how it ended and how I survived it. Please read it – it will empower you, I promise. We’re all in the fight together, sister, so don’t feel alone.

      Stay strong and write anytime!

      Zari xo

      • Nat

        December 22, 2014 at 7:13 pm Reply

        The guy I’ve spent the last 7 months living with started behaving odly a few weeks ago after I had taken him back for being aggressive. He would go missing turning off his phone, was secretive, telling me he was going to bed early only to find him online and then denying it!! I tried to end it and he cried, we decided to try and then he spoke to me like shit on the Thursday so again we argued and I said we needed to part only again came the tears, I truly believed he loved me. How stupid am I the day after it was over and he was leaving all this on the phone whilst he was at work. So I packed his stuff and put it outside his work, he called me a whore?? And then got really nasty shouting the police drove past and h ran over to them saying I was harrasing him. He tried to get me arrested! All the time I just wanted the truth and now he won’t take my calls. I’m a mess, we had Christmas planned, how do I get over this. I know he’s with someone, I’m not eating or sleeping I’m a complete mess

        • Zari Ballard

          December 24, 2014 at 12:30 am Reply

          Hi Nat,

          I am sorry you are going through this. The scenarios that you describe sound amazingly like ghosts of my own Christmases past! Let’s see, as I describe in the article, my ex had me served with a restraining order on Xmas Eve one year and “pretended” to be on the phone calling the cops during numerous fights where I was calling him out on his behavior. Yes, it’s pretty sickening. And it’s amazing how, even while they’re crying and carrying on, begging us to come back, we STILL can’t kick the nagging feeling that they’re with someone else. The reason for that, of course, is because we’re right – OF COURSE they’re seeing someone else. It’s what they do – juggle relationships – and they’re fairly good at it. And when we call them out on it, we’re whores. OF COURSE!!!

          Look, if you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, please download it from Amazon and read it tonight. It’s a cheap read and you will see yourself on every page. It will confirm and validate every suspicion you’ve ever had. The bottom line, girl, is that you KNOW what’s up and you just need to get out. Block his phone so he can’t call or text you. Cut off all avenues of communication. If he comes to the door, don’t answer it. If he leaves a note, rip it up. As you’ll read in the book (which is all about my 13-year nightmare), I would make myself nuts, not eating or sleeping, trying to get him to answer the phone, leaving desperate voice mails, making midnight drive-bys…..and I’d do it all after catching HIM doing something behind my back. He would punish ME for catching HIM. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Stop the insanity. Take the reigns and turn his silent treatment into your No Contact. It’s the only way to save the rest of your life.

          Stay strong and get the book….you’ll be so glad you did!

          Zari xo

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