A married narcissist, out of all narcissistic predators, causes the most angst to partners simply because he or she is more polished in the art of manipulation. You would think that a married narcissist would be more subdued in his pursuit of a secondary source of supply but he is not. He is gung-ho for the chase and will give his (or her) all during the love bombing stage as if the fact that he is married is nothing more than a minor detail. The pursuit process and the affair itself share no similarities to, say, how a “normal” married guy might go about it as he stumbles upon someone he finds attractive. No, the process of is completely different and it is this difference that sets the stage for the inevitable confusion and anxiety that befalls a target when the narcissist never gets around to leaving his wife.
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So, are there times when a narcissist will actually leave the wife and family to make good on a long-term affair? Sure, but it is a very, very rare occurrence and typically only happens when the wife calls him out and calls it quits. As long as the wife puts up with cheating or chooses to take him or her back, believing that the affair is over (which it never is), the narcissist will stay married until the end of time.
The girlfriend of a married narcissist will hear a myriad of excuses for why he hasn’t gone through with a divorce, all based around plausible deniability. In 95% of the cases, the divorce was never started but the narcissist can keep an affair dragging on for years and years simply by saying that it has and giving periodic bogus updates. So many women that I speak with have been fed ridiculous excuses for ions and it isn’t until they relay each one to me in a consultation and I pick it apart that they begin to see the light. I’ve come to the conclusion that a married narcissist is one of the most ferociously convincing deceivers on the planet.
In Part II, I will discuss more about the emotional fallout of loving a married narcissist but for now, I simply want to stress one all-important point: the married narcissist does not intend to ever leave his wife and family unless the time comes that he is literally kicked out the front door. It’s just not going to happen. And make no mistake – it’s not because he loves and adore his wife and children. He’s not going to leave his wife simply because he does not and has never felt that it was necessary! Where a “normal” guy who has a long term affair knows in his heart of hearts that he is doing something bad and must make a decision, a narcissist see neither as applicable to his situation. A married narcissist will say whatever his wife and lover need to hear in order to keep his charade going and then be damn proud when he gets away with it.
Compartmentalization is Key
Compartmentalization is the key to how a married narcissist handles his situation. Certainly all narcissists compartmentalize but the married narcissist is the King Pin master of how it’s done. To his lover, just as he did during the pursuit, the narcissist can make it appear that his married life is so far down on his totem poll that he can come and go as he pleases without question. If he feels pressure from the mistress, he simply books a luxury vacation somewhere tropical and off they go. The mistress, seeing that the narcissist is stress free, is all the more convinced that the marriage is on its last legs or possibly even over. The truth is that she is living in a compartment custom tailored to meet the narcissist’s extra marital needs. The wife is simply home in her compartment thinking her husband is away on business or away with friends. She, like the mistress, chooses to believe The Lie and the married narcissist gets the best of both worlds.
Like all narcissists, a married narcissist is not plagued by guilt, remorse, and anxiety when he or she does something wrong. A married narcissist does not consider the feelings of the spouse or lover when he subjects them to lies and shenanigans unless he feels he might get caught.
If you are a long-term lover of a married narcissist, you need to realize is that he’s been caught and forgiven 100 times over throughout the affair by his suspicious wife. No matter what he tells you, his wife does not hate him or cheat on him and she’s not a psycho. She does not ignore or neglect him or feel indifferent to the fact that his behaviors are suspicious and that he could possibly have a girlfriend. And, most important of all, she does not sleep in a separate bedroom and yes, he even has sex with her if he feels he needs to and maybe even because he likes it. Just because he is texting you at midnight does not mean he has his own room in the same way that his wife receiving texts and, more likely, phone calls on the weekends does not mean that he’s really away on business.
A married narcissist, when he needs to, always finds a way to make both sides happy so that he can continue his charade…this is part of the thrill of the game. Why on earth would he ever give it up? For all narcissists, let alone a married narc, life isn’t half as much fun if there is no one’s back behind which to do evil things.
Stay tuned for Part II where I will discuss the emotional fallout of a long-term romantic involvement with a married narcissist.
Are you involved with a married narcissist? Please leave your comments below!
Alison
February 10, 2022 at 2:52 amI was in a relationship 23 years ago and things went wrong and we both went separate ways , I got pregnant and we have a son but I never told him , we’ve seen each other on and off over the years but nothing ever got said about it . He’s always been a womaniser and I felt that it would of been wrong to tell him to try and trap him so I left it he since got married and had 2 kids with he’s wife but they separated 3 years ago I’ve found out he’s a narcissist and done read up about it , he asked me not long ago if my son was he’s because he’s always had that feeling I’ve admitted it now , and although he stays intouch he’s always nasty to me . Have I. Hurt him by not telling him or dose he not care ?
He has always found reasons to get intouch over the last 23 years and we have sex . But I feel he hates the fact I’ve kept he’s son a secret
V
February 6, 2022 at 12:05 amI have been with mine for 14 years and knew the whole time he was married to my friend’s cousin. Just last week I finally decided to realize what he is. He got me when I had just gotten out of my first ever relationship, which was with a married man. I was so young and abused (my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder). I my long term Narcissist my dating history, now I see he used what used to his advantage, making me his perfect victim. I remember one of the first days I was hanging out with him as friends he asked me “Where you abused or something as a child.” I thought he was insightful and cared, really he was just picking his victim. He pursued me and love bombed me for a year before I would even see him in person. Then when I did he would whisk me away to destinations and nice dinners, expensive cloths (he would buy the same exact clothing for his wife while he was purchasing mine). All the while texting other girls and letting me know about it.
My whole idea of love, passion, everything were based on my belief that he loved me and still does. Now I am beginning to realize how sadisc he is to me, withholding kissing me, and laughing at the torture he puts me through. “I didnt let u talk to me and kept hanging up on you because I thought its funny to upset you” is completely sadistic. For 14 years I have been completely in love with this man. Triangulation is a given after we have gotten what I think of as close again. He always tells me abou tthe one he has lined up, sends me naked pictures of her, shows me the presents he bought her.. There are times he will not talk to me for months, not see me for years, but he always seems to know. How can I be in love with someone that does this?
Sadly, he isnt my last. After one time he left me for another, I was determined to find a new relationship…which ended up being with another narcissist, one not as smart or cunning and more with fits of rage. I had a child with him for all the wrong reasons…so I am currently dealing with two narcissists at the same time. I feel like I am in a snake pit and am just trying to keep my son from turning into one himself. I also feel like I have no idea who I am….14 years of me, are all a lie.
Karen
October 26, 2021 at 1:03 amMy married Narcissist started a proper relationship after his wife committed suicide! That was the only way he was ever going to leave.
Its a long sad story but needless to say, I went through exactly what she went through (for 5 years) and now he has someone new
Eliza
September 24, 2021 at 8:56 amI was with a married narc for nine years, I got suspicious that things weren’t as “completely over” with his wife and did some research via friends of theirs. It turned out that his wife didn’t know anything about me as he said she did. This wasn’t the first time he had done this either. He did it before he met me and his wife had found out and said that it would be over if he did it again. Well, he didn’t ever stop doing it! They really are scumbags. Be made you all sorts of reasons and showed me faked evidence that he was formally separated.
I contacted the ‘separated wife’ and find out she didn’t know anything about a separation! Showed her all the proof he had shown to me. I don’t know what the outcome will be. My impression is that she’ll keep allowing the cheating. I pointed out to her that he is definitely a narcissist. Whether she’s seeing that with clarity now, I don’t know. I hope so. I immediately ended it with him because I couldn’t be with a man who can lie to anyone as much as he did. He was also cruel and manipulative at times. As much as I was sad that he had lied to me for so long and had taken away my ability to choose what to do based on truth and not his lies, I was also vindicated totally in my suspicion about him being a narcissist, I know the prognosis for a narcissist is just ire abuse, constant lies and psychological slow torture and so it was healthy for me to go no contact. I’m praying tthat his wife leaves him and builds an emotionally healthy life for herself. She is a Reverend. She knows that God says we should reject narcissists. She’s also training to be a counsellor. Can you imagine going to see her as a counsellor knowing that she’s abusing herself as badly as that if she stays with him. Staying with a narcissist is the most dire form of self harm and self loathing. I think she wanted to blame me as much as him, but I showed her all the proof he showed me. I didn’t stand a chance and got out as soon as I knew what he is. I’m not saying it’s easy. But there is no choice if you want to live a life and not merely survive until you die. I hope she does the same and escapes. They don’t change, they don’t have real empathy, they lie, they are so anti harmony, any remorse is fake. All promises come to nothing.
Regi
June 30, 2021 at 7:33 pmWell my narc which I think is a NARC have been married for approximately 37 years. 4 adult kids all gone. He sleeps in the same bed and tells me he won’t end his marriage and tells me he doesn’t have sex with her, hehe! She is 60 and had hysterotomy and they are not “active”, he said they are friends. “she trust me” he says! 99% of time he meets week days to hide affair, “he has to go to the office” thing. He can rage and abuse me out of nowhere either because we have different political views or because I diminished his “wife looks” since I guess I am his “trophy cute hot babe”. Silence treatment is used a lot but since he knows I know his tactics he said last time “he need space”; except that I cannot speak my truth but when he finally “comes back” from rage or stopping punishing me, he asked me if only I change my jealousy. interesting! I am so tired and WTF!