How the Married Narcissist Plays His Victims

marriednarcThe narcissist who is married is probably the most prolific of all the other narcissists because of the game he has ultimately chosen to play. Indeed, the married narcissist can live in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without appearing the least bit stressed about it. His abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all partners (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put him at a pathological level above the typical narcissist.

narcissist-abuse-consultationsThrough my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations:

  1. A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. He will have profiles on numerous dating sites that give his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he, obviously, is neither).
  2. A married narcissist typically – but not always – will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he is a narcissist with a good job and usually a good deal of money. At the very least, he is self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for the narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one that’s long-term without tipping off the wife. He may have a job that requires that he often travel out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means he can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with the narcissist’s mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones – one for each of his deceitful lives.
  3. A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the typical narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks her, the less chance that finding out he’s still married will cause her to leave the relationship. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse – any ruse – for as long as he possibly can. Some women have been involved with married narcissists as the mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.
  4. The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married and still be able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed about it? OR how can he be married if we’re always on the phone together? Because the narcissist compartmentalizes every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!
  5. A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reasons are that being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and it makes him feel (for a second) as if he’s actually a normal guy. The novelty wears off, however, and quick. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having both! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit! That’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.
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When the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out about the marriage (and she always does), the N will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that! He’ll spew his narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. The truth is that the wife is living the same life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. If the narcissist is especially pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.

What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married N actually convinces a long-distance lover to move to the city where he’s lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is) or that he’s already divorced or that he’s now separated. The truth is that the wife has probably caught on or, at the very least, suspects there’s a lover and the move, for him, is for convenience only because he can no longer just hop on a plane. I’ve heard from countless women who’ve moved clear across country – and even across continents – at the narcissist’s request only to be given the silent treatment immediately upon arrival. A married narcissist will even deliberately target a married woman, convincing her to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappearing himself soon after.

Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of the women that write to me who are involved with a married narcissist adamantly insist that they never – not in a million years – would have ever thought they’d be involved with a married man or cheat on their own husbands. It simply wasn’t part of their nature. Moreover, in as much as it causes them heartache to know she exists, not a single one has ever really bashed the wife. Why? Because deep down anyone involved with a narcissist knows that this guy is a fucking liar wherever he goes and to whomever he’s with at the moment. Typically, whether you experience the relationship as a wife or as a mistress, you eventually come to understand that the “other woman” is just like you.

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So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is the same person to each! He lies with the same believability and makes the same promises and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of…..it goes on and on. Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. It’s a codependency to hope that will get us in trouble almost every time.

Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then fucks up and is sorry for it. While I certainly don’t condone that behavior, I have to make clear that there’s a difference. As we all know, narcissism isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many, many behaviors. We come to recognize these behaviors as narcissistic tactics and this is why those who suspect that their lover or husband is a narcissist are always right. If he is with you, you can guarantee that there is some woman somewhere getting the silent treatment. The married narcissist is very good at what he does or he wouldn’t be a married narcissist!

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59 Comments

  • zar001

    March 24, 2017 at 3:28 pm Reply

    I have been married for 12 years and have 2 small children. I have been living a lie for 12 years and I am struggling to come to grips with what has happened. I recently found out my husband has been having an affair. A week later I found out about another affair. The affairs crushed me but what they did in the months that followed was open my eyes to things that I just didn’t see or want to see previously. For 10 years I have been following this man like his God. I have been loyal, supportive loving wife, friend and partner. I gave him my sole. I put my life and my kids lives in his hands and trusted him unconditionally. Over the years, I picked up the pieces in every bad decision he made in businesses… I went through financial turmoil, moved a million houses and also moved countries… I followed him like a blind bat never questioning but always defending and supporting him. He loved me.. loved his family… always had a plan.. I look back now and I think how could I have been so blind and stupid. How did I let some1 do this to me. After the affair was out in the open, and after the initial shock he begged for my forgiveness. After I agreed to work on our marriage and not destroy our family… a few weeks went by and I caught him with the other woman again. He then accused me of pushing him back to her as he couldnt handle me and my emotional state. He said I have issues and need help or he will leave me. Long story short he ended up leaving. My question is, have I been living a lie? I feel like I have woken up from a dream and that everything, all the love and happiness I have had in the past 10 years has been a lie. Why did he do this to me? Why and how do people destroy others. He is with the OW now.

    How did I get deceived so badly. I also have come to the realisation that he must have been gambling . Nothing else makes any sense. I am now in financial ruin, he has left me with nothing and a load of debt I signed for. He says he will take care of it but ive been hearing that for 10 years. I just dont know who he is anymore. I just dont understand. Maybe someone can shed some light. How can someone deceive me for so long.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 14, 2017 at 1:54 pm Reply

      Hi zar001,

      Girl, I know that you don’t understand how someone could do this to you but you need to know that it is NOT you. He is going to do what he wants to do when he wants and with whomever he wants until the end of time. As hard as it is now, at least you are somewhat free. I’m glad he is gone. Take this time to reflect on what a good wife that you were and how he abused you and the situation itself. You WILL recover. It’s going to take work and he does need to pay financially but you also have to be proactive in becomeing more independent.

      Please read all of the articles on this website. There are over eighty of them and I tried to cover every topic. Also, please be sure to read all the comments in the section underneath each article…so many awesome people have written in and shared their story. You are not alone and we are here to support you…

      Zari xo

    • Tamia

      April 14, 2017 at 9:25 pm Reply

      Zar001 your story is exactly my story we were discarded on New Year’s Eve for a patient of his. He took my car , stopped paying all bills …. he’s a functional alcoholic. Please email me at tamia.harden77@gmail.com so that we can talk and support one another.

  • Gina

    March 23, 2017 at 10:19 am Reply

    PTSD from a Narc is a real thing. I fell or it as well but this was a good friend that I “thought” I knew for over 20 years. He was always a charmer but we never had romantic relations throughout the years because we were always with other partners and it never worked out. A few months ago, I reconnected with the Narc-hole through FB and realized he was married to his HS girlfriend. I messaged him how cute it was that they ended up together….this is when the loud warning red flags started that I ignored. He immediately bashed her and even called her a “C U Next Tuesday” he said that they are separated and he’s not living with her anymore. I believed him well because I’m a trusting person. I’ve always had great empathy for people. Hell, I went to school for social work. He knows exactly how to pick his prey. He’s what I would call a Superior Narc-Hole. I tried to comfort him like any friend would do. I said “Have you guys tried counseling?” He said no, she’s crazy and she will never admit to being a psycho. Now ladies, if you get involved with a man and they immediately start accusing their ex or current partner a psycho, you better RUN RUN RUN. But, I didn’t. Too late, the obsessive love bombing was in full force. I was addicted. I never received so much love so quickly and so passionately. I was hook the very same week and was craving it. We ended up talking all day and all night through text. I thought that he must be separated if he’s constantly talking to me up until 2am. After love bombing for two full weeks, devaluing started and I started to question him but still was very much hooked. He started to drift a bit but would come back with brief periods of love bombing and drift again. Desperate to keep my SOULMATE (common in victims to believe), I agreed to meet him for drinks. We ended up having sex that night and the very next day, I was discarded like garbage. The dreadful last stage of a narcissistic. You can’t believe someone who loved you so much could just toss you away. I was hurt and started to grow even more obsessive. I knew him so I knew where he and his wife lived, I knew his job, I knew his life and I stalked and quickly found out he went back to his wife the very next day. He got his narcissistic supply fulfilled from me and now he can get it from his wife. They are emotional vampires sucking out women’s emotions.

    Fine, I moved on. I figured well, I’m glad they are working things out. At that time, I had no idea he was a narcissistic because he put all the blame on his wife as to why the marriage was falling apart. He called her bipolar, crazy, psycho, controlling…you name it and I believe him. It’s her problem now, not mine.

    Late January, we start texting again. Slowly though, I’m cautious but he’s pleading for my help. He’s feeding on my empathetic personality and I fell right for it again. He claimed she abuses him mentally and physically. He’s trapped and doesn’t want to be with her. The love bombing starts up again and I eat it up like candy. Too late, my heart is invested in this sick man. I can’t let it go. You know ladies, it’s an addiction. You WANT to believe he is telling you the truth. You believe the fantasy that he, in fact does miss you and loves you. You are caught up in his web again and it gets much worse every time you go back to Narc. This time, he is displaying a lot of jealously because I’m a very sexy and beautiful woman. I’m petite with a lot of curves in the right places. For a Narc, I was the type he craves. They need a beautiful woman because they feel beautiful through us. His wife is very beautiful as well. Jealously meaning I was single and I get a lot of male attention in my life as well as social media. He hated every guy that asked me out. He said they were all no good. He hated that I had tons of male guy friends on social media ooogling over my pictures. He demanded I unfriend and block a lot of them….I did. In fact, I remained faithful to him even though I was the single one! I even gave him my FB email and password so he can see for himself that I wasn’t talking to all these guys. He accused me of talking to guys all day long. He accused me of not wanting him anymore. It only made me act more in love with him. The Narc Game. The more they question your feelings for him, the more they KNOW you will show them you love them. He always did this “You don’t love me.” “You don’t miss me.” “What do YOU want to do in bed to me.” I started to get sick of it and he knew it. I started to play my own game. I put him in the friend zone. I would send him messages “I think we are best as friends.” “I’m so happy we are friends.” I drilled the word friend in every message I sent him. He grew even more jealous. He is never up early but on Valentines Day at 7am, he sent me a Happy Valentines Day with hearts etc message. I responded “Same to you bud. I’m so glad I have a FRIEND like you! Have a great day.” He messaged back “That’s what I am? A friend? Whatever.” I slowly started to fade and try to walk away from the fog. Being involved with a Narc makes you screw up in life. You live in a fog. You are always thinking of them. Your work slips, you become forgetful, you are in constant daydreams and confusion. I changed my FB password in case he ever did actually check my personal FB info. I wanted OUT but was still so very hooked. I’m disgusted with myself that I’m so in love with a married man. When I cut off my narcissistic supply, he runs to his wife and she’s always willing to give it to him…until he’s bored and either comes back to me or finds a new victim. Ladies, Narcs are ALWAYS bored and looking for their next victim. ALWAYS!

    March (this year), the love bombing picks up stronger than ever. I’m actually thinking that maybe I’m the one. I yell and demand he tell me the truth about his feelings. He swears he loves me. He actually cried, Narcs can produce real tears if they fear their supply isn’t believing their lies. He convinced me that he loved me but there’s a problem. Back in Dec when I was hurt from him tossing me aside after sleeping with him, I sent his wife a FB message and because we aren’t friends on FB, it went into her spam folder. Well, she got the message on their wedding anniversary trip this week! I received a FB friend request and I accepted and we talked for a few days about everything. I was honest and up front. The Narc-hole had the nerve to text me and demanded that I block his crazy wife and if I cared for him, I would block period. I ignored his request. Narcs seek victims that have similar qualities. Kind hearted, nurturing women who are typically desired by men. They need that empathetic beautiful woman to be a trophy for them that hides how ugly they are inside. Narcs get off on the women that are latched on to. Narcs are ugly inside and have very poor self esteem and so they view themselves through us and form this delusional persona about themselves. My Narc actually convinced that he was a “rock star” because of it. I actually grew to really enjoy his wife because we are a lot alike in some ways. Will she finally divorce him? Probably not. She’s been hooked on him since high school over 25 years ago. But, she can’t let go. I get it. She’s got a family with him. She loves him. She’s addicted to him. Hell, I would be lying if I said I didn’t still love him. But, we remain friends on FB and we both blocked him. It’s drives him crazy that we both blocked him when he was demanded that we block each other. It’s a game and it can get ugly and dangerous if you don’t play it with a clear mind. You have to out smart a Narc. You always need to be 10 steps ahead of him. This game me and his wife are playing on him just began this week. It’s not the healthiest thing to do but it’s helping us both cope with what he’s done. Hopefully, she will divorce him and find a man that will treat her right. I can’t continue to stay friends with her if she stays married to the Narc-hole.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 3, 2017 at 2:42 am Reply

      Hi Gina,

      Well, we can try to be ten steps ahead of the narc but it rarely works. If you really want to be free, you need to stay away from both of them. This guy, as much of a dick as he is, is her husband and they have been together forever. She will leave him in her own time and nothing you tell her will ever change that. Keep him blocked and back out gracefully from the wife. It’s best to cut off the friendship and get on with your own life. When two women are hanging out and blocking the same narc, what it really means is that one is waiting for the other to leave the scene. I’ve seen it happen so many times. In doing this, the narc is winning anyway because don’t forget – he really doesn’t care if he’s with EITHER of you physically as long as he’s in both of your heads. And it looks to me like he sure is….

      Stay strong!

      Zari:)

  • Palestinian cheater

    February 23, 2017 at 8:03 am Reply

    I have the worse encounter with a self centered bastard palestinian who married a filipina woman. The liar told me its okay to do business with him but behind my back he was sending signals to his wife that he liked me. We never had anything and told me its okay he was divorced and we can do business together.

    The first time I took a rude in his car, he was so confident to take me out and buy me a meal and a friend of his supposedly ex-wife he was fucking saw us and got jealous and she told her. His wife was older than him by ten years and clearly angry with the idea his younger hubby was seen with a younger woman, she attacked me in her worked place. Telling everyone I was not a Virgin and she was. She told everyone I had relationship with him 3 years back. The bastard didnt even show up to stop her

    He told me to leave everything to him so he will make the ugly old bitch pay. Promised to marry me and that begged to accept him because he will protect me from.the fucking woman. He called her a bitch and ssid bad about her family, even told me he had sex with her sister.

    He told me he’d go to Holland with me and we will start new there. He tricked me to go to their house and meet his parents but he took me to the beach where I had no choice but stay overnight. We were in a wartorn country. It was difficult to be alonr in the streets.

    Months later I was trying to file a cimplain against his wife and he disappeared with her. He went to Holland with her and denied she was with him. He told me he wants to test how it is to be an asylum seeker and he said in a year time he will come and get me. He begged me bot to leave her.

    He called my mother to reassure her he was coming to get me.

    And a year passed he never came except I found out he had an affair with a domestic helper from hongkong.he said he was using her to make me jealous.

    After that he changed. He became abusive and accused me that I was thr one cheating on him. He borrowed money and necer returned. Even took money from mom. on the second year of waoting, we found out he posted pix of his new daughter who looks like the bitch he said he married. So I told my mom I wont talk to hin anymore and just to retrieve what he borrowed.

    He started threwtening he will post naked photos of me. He even authorized his old wife he said he divorced to post my photos and videos. Then he said he regret making her involced with a bitch like him.

    I ranted in social media but his wife was brainwashed by the liar that she made a group of people know who I was and that she was planning for the Arabs to feast on me

    So I fought back and sent to this palestinian jerk his naked photos and the post became from public to may be just her friends.

    I cant believe after all the trouble he caused me, he managed to hurt me, lie to me and lift up the woman he made her hurt me just by of the gossips he made about me. He used my secrets and made it open and secretly messaged people to make a scenario that I owed him money when I never took from him. He borrowed money and told me he wont pay because my friend Luis borrowed money from him and never paid and when we called Luis he said he settled his debt before this guy left for Holland and before he left Philippines. He insulted my mother and had a relationship with me for the purpose to make the wrong of his wife right. She and him worked hand Un hand to play my life and take our money and bow they post pictures together abd her so proud of her cheating husband for what he dis for her.

    I didnt have the intention to steal him. I was in good faith he was already divorced. As my lover, I thought he was free. He wasnt he made me a mistress made me bad jn the eys of my family and made me bad to all the people who knew us.

    He fucked his wife while he used my money. He fucked her while he was showing himself to me
    He made me fight with another girl and made it looked like I was the bitch running after him.
    He accused me of cheating and verbally abused me when the truth was he was with a wife all along.
    He played mind game with me and managed to take my money and made us beg for my own money
    Managed to tell me its my fault and that it wasn’t the first time I got hurt.

    For the first time in my life he let someone raised a hand on me that even my own mother and father never did to me and he was a coward to runaway and play me so he just save his face to his wifes family.

    I still dont know how to getover it. I have a new guy but im scared he will destroy us because he always warned me he will never let me have another man. He is a bastard really.

    I didnt have bad intentions. But I know the fault will be mine because no one will belillece me. People will only have compassion for evil women with kids and not single girls.

    People criticize women who get involved with married men but not all single women want to be that some of us are just victims of love by married narcissist and I think before people criticize us and take the side of the wife: keeping a man like that aint a lost for me. No matter what uf he can manage to insult and take the money of a senior citizen, played the life of my dad and my mom and took advantage of my situation since I was a bread winner; it was enough to let him be with his wife and the thought he is cheating her because he thinks he deserve and adventure is just enough hell for him. He knew I was afraid to lose my job because my dad was sick and I had a mentally brother retarded brother I was supporting.

    I saw their photos and I asked myself, okay I am a whore for being with him but how she managed to forgive him despite he bragged he cheated her 13 years together. Afyer my incident, I found out he was living in with another girl and now he manipulated me to have a relationship with him. He was the leader of the Palestinians who was frinking and fucking women and taking photos of them as an insurance.

    He wasnt a loss just I wish I can sue her and him. But Holland is a different place. I dealt with him without bad intentions and the world and her friends was cheering for his wife for the things they did to me.

    I dont understand the world. But it’s my fault. I trusted a dirty bastard like him. I dont know how to cope and I feel so much anger.

    • Zari Ballard

      February 24, 2017 at 5:28 pm Reply

      Girl, your post was exhausting to read and I hope to God you are finding your way. I don’t understand the world either but I can tell you that it’s not your fault and that self-blame is non-productive. All we can do in this life is live and learn. It’s obvious that narcissism is the same across cultures and nationalities and continents. However, it sure does sound scarier where you’re at than it is here in the states, sister! Please be safe and stay away from this group of people…they are nothing nice and have no place in your life now or in the future.

      Thanks for visiting and I’m here to support you….

      Zari xo

      • Palestinian married narc cheater with multiple gf

        February 24, 2017 at 11:40 pm Reply

        Thanks zari,

        Sorry it was quite long. Ive noticed too much typos because I was shaking. I just found out 7 mos ago. And the nerve he had to tell my mother he was divorced. They say its not my fault too but it feels really bad how one man can make a promise he wont hurt me and managed to disrespect my family.l after we helped him without bad intentions

        Like I said this narc managed to get his wife attack me before I even had a relationship with him. He pretended to be in love and wanting to marry me. So he can have sex with me and secretly take pictures as an insurance to scare me off and I dont think his wife is a victim, I think his wife is as evil as he is because she wants to save her face after she wrongfully attacked me and accused me after seeing me with him because of the gossips one jealous girl spread. I fell in love with him and thought he was protecting me from his 44 year old filipina wife he referred to as some jealous bitch who could not accept he divorced her and some woman he said he did not chose to marry because he got her knocked up before marriage and he was afraid to be imprisoned because he is a Muslim.

        Until now I cant believe I got involved with their fucked up marriage and imagine for two years the wife didnt post any family pix of them just now after we confronted the guy with the truth. Maybe brainwashed her well too. I mean how can she be proud of this bastard and have another daughter with him while this sick jerk cheated her with so many women. It’s sickening how he can introduce himself to my mother while his wife was pregnant, do Internet sex, have Internet relationship with another filipina online and pretend to be struggling and borrow money then disrespect my ailing dad and mom after they sent money for him on his posts in tango.

        Your article explained well what I went through only worse. I had two years of hardships zari, and had I read ur book or this article, I would have handled this situation much better.

        I cried so much when I found this website. I felt even more stupid when every item you enumerated pointed out perfectly what I went through. With two college degrees, I made myself dumb just by letting a Muslim palestinian in my life who laid out my life in public just to cover up his philandering.

        I wish that the world would have compassion for us and that not all women who got involved with married men are trying to steal husbands. Not all wives are victims and some are plainly involved in their husbands sickening activities because they dont want to break their families and your right, they project they are happy on photos necause they got kids and they really use their families to make them feel good. And they hide their evil ways behind the innocence, cuteness and goodness of their kids.

        So when people see them, his image as a father to three wonderful kids would surpass the image of him as lying cheating dirty narc.

        I thought even karma don’t work on them. Because I feel these people find reasons to hurt women just because some married man hurt them before so they think they can hurt you too. Then he can simply point his fingers and put the blame on the girl then tell everyone she was the dirty woman who had relationships with married man and he can make himself and his wife the victim now

        I regret telling him my life. He used every story of my past against me.

        Anyway I will try to move on.. I will follow your works. It opened my eyes really well zari.

        • Zari Ballard

          March 4, 2017 at 6:15 pm Reply

          Hey girl,

          Thanks for writing again…I’m glad you found my site too! I do want to make a point clear, though, and I want you to think about what you are saying. First of all, as you know, here , at least on this website, there is compassion for women who get involved with married narcs because we all know how convincing a narc can be when he’s after something and how easily it is to fall for the ruse. However, having said that, I have to take issue with your take on the wife of the narc. She actually IS a victim, just like you otherwise she wouldn’t be married to him. He triangulates her with you and you with her to keep you both in competition with each other. In order to get her to do his bidding whether it’s against you or anything else, he has to lie to her in the same way that he lies to everyone else. Now, I’m not saying she should have physically attacked you at all – of course not and I’m so sorry that happened – but that is her husband/father of kids and obviously she wanted, unfortunately, to keep her marriage together for probably the same false reason that you wanted the relationship. Wives (and especially if they have families) don’t usually take kindly to the women that are having affairs with their husbands and that’s just a fact – at least in this country. It may be different over there, but here it is a definite no-no. HOWEVER, there is an understanding, when it’s all said and done with a narc involved, that everyone who is involved with him is a victim. To keep his comfy home life, he’s going to lie to HER about YOU. To keep his comfy affair and all the benefits that go with it, he’s going to lie to YOU about HER. So, it’s not your fault or even her fault…IT’S HIS FAULT BECAUSE HE IS THE NARCISSISTIC CULPRIT. Triangulating and keeping everyone filled with lies so that he feels oh-so- popular is what a narc does, girl! He creates “victims” everywhere he goes. Sad but true…

          You deserve better, sister…kick him to the curb and all his awful drama with it. To be happy is ultimately your best revenge….

          Zari xo

  • L.

    February 19, 2017 at 10:20 pm Reply

    Wow, this was my life for a year. I’ve driven myself crazy wondering how he was able to pull it off, but now it’s clear, she was in a time out!
    He did everything you spoke of, I didn’t know he was married, and when I found out he said they are separated and he would file immediately because he wanted a relationship with me. He told me he never loved her, yet they had 3 children and are married 20 years, this year! He lived apart from her for three years, so I believed it!
    Fast forward 12 months, he had an excuse for the divorce not being final, the lawyer never returned calls, or there was a change to be made in the paperwork, etc. His mom would always back up his lies so I believed everything. I had asked him why he waited 3 years to get divorced, his reply was he didn’t want to “upset her” and he was protecting his pension. I never understood why she would be “upset” if they weren’t together? I’d question that too, he’d then get upset and say he didn’t want to talk about it. Now seeing him with his new supply, I feel bad for his wife, she really is a victim too 🙁

    • Zari Ballard

      February 24, 2017 at 5:05 pm Reply

      Hi L.,

      Yes, his wife is a victim too. Married narcs are so good at what they do that they are the people that regular narcs LOOK UP TO. Married narcs can juggle their worlds without every having them collide. It IS truly amazing. The wife – especially if there are children – will usually become fairly submissive and accepting of his behavior, choosing to always look the other way and to count on the fact that the “marriage & family” will eventually bring him back to the fold. It becomes just a pattern of life for her.

      Meanwhile, the girlfriend just sees the single or “separated” man that the narc portrays and continues on. By the time she catches on to the game, it’s usually far too late to back out easily. I hope that you are out of it or on your way. It is no way to live and he will never give up the stability of the home where he doesn’t have to pay child support and where he always has a “safe house” for when the extracurricular activities don’t work out.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Kate

    January 31, 2017 at 9:10 am Reply

    I’ve been “dealing”? With this for 40 years! He got me when I was 17 and he was 26. I was an easy mark and he had me buffaloed, bullied, I was told I was mentally ill, he cheated, lied, all the things the other women list! I was so much in love with him, so in love! I thought I was sooo lucky! Wheat farmer! Great life, very fortunate BUT…….turmoil, fights NEVER resolved! Total disregard for my feelings EVER! As heart wrenching and sad as I have ever felt, I have finally come to understand I was never loved like I gave my love to him ever! He can’t give love and it isn’t my fault, there is not enough love I can give to him, won’t make a dent! Tough pill to swallow ! In counseling and have an attorney! Still scared to death though!
    Kate

    • Zari Ballard

      January 31, 2017 at 11:48 pm Reply

      Hi Kate,

      Wow…40 years! More power to you, girl! No, it was never you and it was never your fault. Narcissists can never be fixed – not with love, therapy, or any magic pill – nor do they care to be. It is a futile existence always trying to get the same as you give with these people. If you ever want to talk about it, book some time with me. I’d be happy to help you through it and offer all the validation that you need. Good for you for getting an attorney…get what you deserve and then some. 40 years is a lifetime but you CAN start anew, I guarantee it. Do not be scared – this is the beginning of a very awesome thing. Freedom is priceless…

      Stay strong and contact me if you need to…I’m here to support you:)

      Zari xo

  • Sonja Wright

    January 18, 2017 at 8:32 am Reply

    Hi my husband has just left after he was court out in texting email and then admitting at marrage counseling. He worked in gladston Qld and i am very sick with EDS3 and Fibromaliga i became very ill over 7yrs with the marrage, he was having affears and i would question him and he denied, and would litroly mentally abuse me. I thought i was going crazy. As that is what thay wont you to think. I am unable to express my pain but it does become better over time. I am going threw the devourse and have found out a lote in his ill dealings. In this course of questioning him about what these papper trails regarding money where. My car is stolen. I believe he arandged it. I am telling you to run far away. I am saying to you go and speak with a physioligist as the reason we take on these man are because we are missing somthing that they pretend to have, its a magnet they see it. As they no what to look for. I have been in hospital recovering with chronic pain. As a wife of a Narcissist untill i am able to legaly devours i am not angry with you. As i no how this type of man works, as i am allso a victim as was the wife before me and the one before her. He has stolen so much from me and i dont just mean money. Dont alow this person to take from you as the longer you are with them the longer and harder it is to put him out of your head. Go no contact. He doesn’t love anybody they dont understand love. I gave my husband all the love any woman could give. And bolieve me it didn’t matter. Dont fool yourself and alow him anymore head space. At least you are able to go. I am stuck sorting out my devours and all that goes with realy bad Narsasist abuse from him. He worked for work cover and i was injured. I was vonrable he love bomed me for 6 to 9 mths and then first hom visit had me bolieve he was my sole mate, worked threw door and picked me up took me to bedroom. Abuse of his power. I was so vonrable and he took advatage. Just run wile you are able because i promise you the outcome is no difrent. Good luck his name was Joe

  • A

    January 4, 2017 at 4:52 am Reply

    I am not sure whether the married man I had an affair with is a narcissist. He seemed so genuine and caring. Despite my knowing he was married, I though that I was giving him something that was missing in his marriage, that i was special to him.

    It all started about three years ago he sought me out at work to wish me happy birthday, but as I was off that day and he left a post it note. The office assistant told me the next day that she thought he had a crush on me and that she had told him to invite me to a coffee. I e-mailed him to thank him for the birthday note and he suggested coffee. I accepted met him for coffee, saw a wedding ring on his finger and thought to myself ‘phew, he’s married, he’s asking me for coffee to be friendly, and not interested me in that way’. I became relaxed more and more as we met for coffee again and again. The coffees turned into lunches. Looking back, he would stare at me at times with that soppy, infatuated look. Was it real?

    One day, he offered to give me a lift home. At my front door he asked if I was going to invite him in for a cup of tea. I was going to anyway and said yes. We chatted and then as he left he hugged me. The next day I received a text saying he had really wanted to kiss me and should he have. I replied probably not.
    We continued to meet for coffees and have lunches together. He would always pay me compliments and say things that started to hint at more than friendship.
    He pursued me for a whole year before I finally couldn’t resist him and fell for his charms. We began an affair which started about two years ago. During this time he used to tell me how beautiful I was, that I could trust him and that he would look after me. He texted every day saying how much he adored me and couldn’t wait to see me. Despite knowing that he was unlikely to leave his wife, I continued with the affair and developed feelings for him.

    Around May this year he told me had decided to leave his wife. His reason was that he was bored. Now I did not immediately think that this meant he wanted to be with me properly, even though he would drop things into the conversation like why hadn’t he met me 27 years ago and ‘what would your mother say if you turned up on her doorstep married, because you had eloped?’.

    Fast forward to September, he started to be less communicative. I thought it was because he was getting a hard time with his wife – the divorce was to her totally out of the blue. In October while he was visiting me I found he was seeing another woman. He was texting her while I sat right next to him and I could see a text from her from which it was obvious that they had slept together. I confronted him and he admitted he was seeing another woman. He then said ‘I’m a s*&t, you can shout at me, scream if you want to’. I didn’t but said that he clearly wanted to be with her and he should concentrate on her. His response was that he was not WITH anyone. He said what we had was good and he wanted to continue seeing me. He left shortly and anyway I went to see him at his work place a couple of days later. The office door was shut and he was on his mobile. He didn’t see me through the narrow window, so I hung back thinking he was dealing with a work call and would hang up shortly. Then I heard how he was talking and just knew he was speaking to the new woman. I heard him mention his wife and that how things were crap and how he wished they could just run away together. That sounded familiar – he had said the same to me in the past. Then I heard him say I love you, and asking whether she had time for a coffee at 8. After a while I had heard enough, so I went up to the door and knocked. He motioned me to come in although he was still on the phone. He calmly said ‘a work colleague has just come to see me so I’ll catch you later ’.

    I said after Saturday it didn’t feel right to leave things as they were and said I just wanted him to be honest and truthful. So he told me he started seeing this woman around April. I asked whether he had strong feelings for her and he said at this moment in time yes. So I said you’ll be shacked up with her soon then. He said it was complicated because she was married and there were kids involved. I said but you ARE sleeping with her and he replied that this had only been recently. He held my hand and said ‘I’m a s&*t’. I asked why and he replied ‘I should be sweeping you off your feet and taking you away from all this’. And I replied ‘That doesn’t make you a s&*t, you think you’re a s&*t because you’re dumping your wife, have been seeing me and are seeing another woman’.
    I asked what made him go after her and he said she’s nice, pretty. If I hadn’t found out about this other woman, would he have carried on seeing me? And if things didn’t work out with her I would have been none the wiser I guess – t

    The stupid thing is I slept with him again. When he was round my place he was texting the new woman, lying and pretending it was his mate. He is so infatuated with this new woman that he can’t even stop texting her when he is supposedly want to spend time with me!

    I slept with him thinking I would be able to make him see how much I cared and remind him of what he had but may be also for proof for myself that he doesn’t really love this other woman. How sad is that?! He used the same tactics on her as me, I know -invited her to coffee, which turned to lunches before arranging to sleep with her. Guess he was making sure of the new woman before reducing contact with me?

    He has been married three times. I asked him if he had ever really loved any of his wives. He just explained why he had married them, nothing about whether he had or had not loved any of them. He married his third wife because he felt sorry for her because she was being abused by her ex husband.

    I asked him why he had gone after this new woman. He said she was nice, pretty, intelligent, but it was complicated as she is married and there are kids involved. So he has deliberately targeted a woman despite knowing she is married.
    He said he has treated me like s**t, but has never said sorry. He has moved out of his marital home now and his divorce is going through. I feel sorry for his wife because she has been diagnosed with breast cancer and he decided to leave her when she needed him. He even told me it would have been easier for him if her diagnosis had been terminal. I really was shocked.

    I am finding it hard to deal with this, the lies and deceit, having anxiety attacks.
    I know I need to be rid of him but find it difficult to let go and stop thinking and obsessing about him and the new woman.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 10, 2017 at 5:15 pm Reply

      Hi A,

      So sorry this has happened to you but you have to know that this guy is nothing more than a narcissistic player through and through. He loves nothing and no one but himself and the only thing he really cares about is “collecting” women for his queue. This other woman is going to end up like you and everyone else. Everyone in his life he views on the same emotional level, meaning he doesn’t care about you any more than he cares about her any more than he cares about all his ex-wives. You have to grasp this concept because it is true. He will tell each one – you included – what they need to hear to get what he wants and to keep everyone on the hook. Run as fast as you can and ignore all of his attempts to contact you. He is worthless and useless and his admitting to be “a shit” is a cop-out and means nothing. If you continue on, another year will go by and the another. Do not waste a single minute.

      Stay strong, have no jealousy, and move on, sister!

      Zari xo

    • Sick of BS

      January 20, 2017 at 11:17 pm Reply

      They are purely self-centred monsters, love…there is NO love on their part (EVER) BUT there is an insatiable need for attention…it’s what feeds their crazy EGO…& ppl giving them time & attention…has them DELUDE themselves…they must be impt…even tho, they know…they have LIED to ppl to get it.
      It’s madness…but that is what psychopathy IS [a serious mental health disorder – hard-wired of the brain…so, untreatable…1 in 25]….pure MORAL insanity…there is NO rules, no guidelines…it’s ALL about them.
      Well, it’s ALL about U now….if anything I learnt from a sociopath…is get SELFISH & esp STOP the ppl pleasing (even Oprah said that)…a sociopath won’t put up with anyone, that fails to give him attention…so, why should U? I doubt…U’r not trying to juggle 6 relationships at once, like he is…so it really shouldn’t be that hard.
      CUT the arse…move on & realise there are better ppl than that out there…he’s out there looking for them all the time…maybe, not as exciting as the sociopath circus…BUT, it’s just a circus (& always will be)…let it leave town.

      • Sick of BS

        January 21, 2017 at 12:31 am Reply

        3/4 of diagnosed sociopaths are MALE…don’t forget that women

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