How the Married Narcissist Plays His Victims

marriednarcThe narcissist who is married is probably the most prolific of all the other narcissists because of the game he has ultimately chosen to play. Indeed, the married narcissist can live in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without appearing the least bit stressed about it. His abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all partners (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put him at a pathological level above the typical narcissist.

narcissist-abuse-consultationsThrough my phone consultations and correspondence with both women and men, I have been able to make the following observations:

  1. A married narcissist will typically – but not always – be an online predator so that he can keep the extramarital affairs long-distance. He will have profiles on numerous dating sites that give his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he, obviously, is neither).
  2. A married narcissist typically – but not always – will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he is a narcissist with a good job and usually a good deal of money. At the very least, he is self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for the narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one that’s long-term without tipping off the wife. He may have a job that requires that he often travel out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means he can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with the narcissist’s mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones – one for each of his deceitful lives.
  3. A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the typical narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks her, the less chance that finding out he’s still married will cause her to leave the relationship. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse – any ruse – for as long as he possibly can. Some women have been involved with married narcissists as the mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.
  4. The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married and still be able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed about it? OR how can he be married if we’re always on the phone together? Because the narcissist compartmentalizes every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!
  5. A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reasons are that being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and it makes him feel (for a second) as if he’s actually a normal guy. The novelty wears off, however, and quick. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having both! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit! That’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.
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When the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out about the marriage (and she always does), the N will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that! He’ll spew his narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. The truth is that the wife is living the same life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. If the narcissist is especially pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.

What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married N actually convinces a long-distance lover to move to the city where he’s lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is) or that he’s already divorced or that he’s now separated. The truth is that the wife has probably caught on or, at the very least, suspects there’s a lover and the move, for him, is for convenience only because he can no longer just hop on a plane. I’ve heard from countless women who’ve moved clear across country – and even across continents – at the narcissist’s request only to be given the silent treatment immediately upon arrival. A married narcissist will even deliberately target a married woman, convincing her to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappearing himself soon after.

Interestingly enough, 99.9999% of the women that write to me who are involved with a married narcissist adamantly insist that they never – not in a million years – would have ever thought they’d be involved with a married man or cheat on their own husbands. It simply wasn’t part of their nature. Moreover, in as much as it causes them heartache to know she exists, not a single one has ever really bashed the wife. Why? Because deep down anyone involved with a narcissist knows that this guy is a fucking liar wherever he goes and to whomever he’s with at the moment. Typically, whether you experience the relationship as a wife or as a mistress, you eventually come to understand that the “other woman” is just like you.

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So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is the same person to each! He lies with the same believability and makes the same promises and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of… goes on and on. Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. It’s a codependency to hope that will get us in trouble almost every time.

Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then fucks up and is sorry for it. While I certainly don’t condone that behavior, I have to make clear that there’s a difference. As we all know, narcissism isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many, many behaviors. We come to recognize these behaviors as narcissistic tactics and this is why those who suspect that their lover or husband is a narcissist are always right. If he is with you, you can guarantee that there is some woman somewhere getting the silent treatment. The married narcissist is very good at what he does or he wouldn’t be a married narcissist!


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  • Amy

    September 18, 2016 at 12:48 am Reply

    Thank you so much. I was married to high level with money. He would not let me have anything without his apptoval. Even when I caught him cheating (he pocket called me ) i recorded it with my cell phone. He still denied it. I have been away from him 3 years and still trying to financially recover. I am in debt to my eyeballs, thank God for payment plans. I am finally seeing where I got sucked in to his web. He adverised he was seeking a book keeper and since my company i was employeed at filed bankruptcy. He knew i desperately needed employment. When I interviewed for job i didnt realize i was interviewing for wife. His new wife #5 (from internet ) does not know any of his background all she sees is the lavish gifts. He even got her to pull her teeth and get dentures, so if they get in a argument that will be the first thing that he destories. It is very hard to recover from a high level narcissic. I moved completely out of state. Not only is he a high level narc he watches teen porn. But with money he hides it well. I pray 1 day he will slip and the local law enforcement will figure him out. Money or no money, will save him from that!

  • Sarah Fahmy

    September 6, 2016 at 3:18 pm Reply

    Zari u are really helping see me through a hard time…

  • Bex

    September 5, 2016 at 7:35 am Reply

    I am currently going through a divorce as I was sick of his lying and cheating. He now has a new victim whilst he is running my name through the mud making out he is the perfect boyfriend changing everything I asked for. I need advice do they ever learn or do they repeat history with lying and cheating. As I think maybe it’s the only way people will stop listening to his bs and wake up to realise he is the problem. Me and my kids have to live in this town with everyone turning their back on us

    • Zari Ballard

      September 23, 2016 at 3:42 pm Reply

      Hi Bex,

      Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to you. Listen, here is an article about the smear campaign. Mine used to do the same thing but, believe me, people don’t like these creatures any more than we do. It APPEARS that everyone is their friend but the truth is that people just don’t want to get involved and who can blame them? The best thing to do is to NOT feed into it. Don’t even try to defend yourself. You have to be confident in the truth that you know. As for people turning their back on you, what do you even need these people for? What is it you want them to do for you? I had no problem crossing those people off my mental “friend” list. If you continue to say nothing, it automatically puts you in a better light.

      And no, they never change – ever. Read through my articles…I’ve tried to cover every topic. The great news is that you really are FREE. Fight for what he owes you legally and deal with him with detachment and indifference if you have to interact because of the kids. You WILL get through this, I promise.

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Leanne McKenzie

    August 5, 2016 at 6:55 am Reply

    I have been involved with a man like this for nearly three years. He lied to me from day one, he told me he was seperated then i slept with him and the truth came out that in fact he was not seperated at all, he was married with four kids. One afternoon in a motel room with him i went outside for a smoke, he locked the door on me went through my phone, stole my friend’s phone number and texted her after i left, to come to his motel room!!!! She showed me his texts. Men like this care only about themselves. He broke my heart. I would advise any woman to run if they ever meet a narsassistic man. It’s not worth the pain.

  • Cat

    June 16, 2016 at 3:24 am Reply

    Oh gosh….I wish I’d found this sooner. As I’ve been reading these posts, they parallel what my life has been in the past several years. In some ways it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone, but in other ways it makes me feel so stupid not to have seen….especially when I could have read these and seen my situation unfolding.

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