Letting Go of the Narcissist = Releasing the Past

letting-go-of-the-narcissist
Zari Ballard’s Blog, TheNarcissisticPersonality.com

To begin to let go of the narcissist, we must release the past and choose to live in the here and now. This, my friends, is the only answer to the (heart) aches and pains that we feel after it finally ends with our narcissistic partner. There was nothing we could have ever done, no love we could have ever shown, and no words we could have ever spoken to this person that would have ever made a difference in the outcome.  It’s hard to accept and sadder than sad – I know. But it is what it is and life simply has to go on.

About an hour ago, I was actually on the fence about what to focus on for my next post. Then, I went to my email and found this from Daily OM as my horoscope for the day:

 

Release the Past
Aries Daily Horoscope (Daily OM)

You may notice mood swings today that may be due to memories from the past. There could be many emotional triggers that leave you feeling uncertain about how to handle various situations. You might feel that the past is more present to you than the present and that your ways of dealing with what arises doesn’t reflect who you are but rather who you were. Today would be a good time to become aware of these triggers and remind yourself that the past cannot hurt you. Should you feel that your thoughts about what happened previously affect your frame of mind, you can gently tell yourself that they have no power over you now. You might even repeat to yourself, “I am here in the now.” You could find that this helps you live more in the present and could help lighten your mood.

Reminding ourselves that the past holds no sway over us allows us to live in the present moment. It is easy for us to define ourselves and our actions based on either our past experiences, moods, or defense mechanisms. However, when we consciously bring ourselves into the now, our problems with the past dissipate. We see that there is very little in the present that threatens us and that the only thing in life we can change is our minds—we can’t change anything about the past. By releasing the power the past has over you today, you will discover the sweet wonders that await you in the present.

Wow. I instantly had to share this with you because it speaks of the one powerful Universal magic (solution) that actually has the potential to fix us once and for all…to take away our heartache forever…to fade the narcissist (and all his evilness) into total oblivion. It is the magic that makes a narcissist’s silent treatment our best friend and cognitive dissonance a figment of our imagination.  It is the magic that instantly creates the closure from the narcissist that we’ve been searching for. And this magic (solution), if we so choose to believe, is right at our fingertips all of the time.

Get the PDF Bundle: When Love Is a Lie &
Stop Spinning,Start Breathing for Only $5.99!

It is the power of the here and now…the power of the present moment. If we live in the here and now….if we choose to be mindful (no matter how hard it appears to be to do it) of only this moment and nothing else….if we practice this every day and especially each time a memory of the narcissist (good or bad) invades our thinking, we can finally detach from the pain. We can experience the pain, acknowledge it, and let it go. The here and now is the foundation for No Contact.

Because the truth is that in this very moment the N has no bearing on your life. In this very moment, he does not exist because he is not with you. It’s easy to maintain the No Contact Rule with someone who doesn’t exist! And the past…well, it’s the past…and the past (yesterday, last month, last year…) can not touch you in this very moment. It is behind you and you, therefore, must release it. Releasing the past is the logical thing to do – and you simply can’t argue with logic.

That which is behind you can not hurt you, my friend. Let your heart not be troubled. Believe in this and you too will become free. It will happen, I promise you.

zari - narcissist-abuse-support

(Visited 33,303 times, 1 visits today)

90 Comments

  • Kris

    February 27, 2017 at 3:27 pm Reply

    I met a toxic narc on POF 12/15. A liar from the second date,with numerous.profiles, followed by infidelity and constant deception.

    My wake up call was getting phoned by a woman he was also dating, who got into his phone, discovering six other “exclusive” girlfriends.

    Shortly after, yet another woman surfaced. I knew there were others but he always denied it, saying I was paranoid (due to the past cheating, which he denied but was verified by the other woman). had a new Facebook friend, who was friends with a woman I never met. My guy had said he had 1 date with her but they didn’t click. Logging on, I was stunned to see that woman, posting about MY boyfriend by name, with roses he gave her, gifts, etc. He was dating her for 9 months while with me, and not casually–they took a trip together! When I confronted him about the deception, he said I was crazy and why was I jealous, it was just sex! Yet he never gave me a single gift or remembered special days with me, which led to several fights. Yet he never corrected those issues, and now it’s obvious why. I was good enough to use but not to treat like a real girlfriend! I treated him well, and lovingly. That did hurt, and he is history. Now he is bad mouthing me to friends as his crazy jealous ex, but they are on my side. Some knew of the connection and we’re concerned.

    Don’t waste yourself on these monsters. They are nothing but drama with NO benefit.

  • Domo

    February 26, 2017 at 6:14 pm Reply

    I can’t thank you enough for your site and your books which I have bought and read, it’s been about a month of no contact for me and even though I thought it would get easier my mind still goes back to blaming myself sometimes for the relationship not working out… I was the one who initially ended it and asked her to move out, she was still married “separated” and also had 2 year affair with an ex boyfriend, 2 weeks after she ended it with him is when she started to pursue me. We had one lunch (we work together and I have known this person for over 8 years) and 2 days after we started being intimate. We would constantly keep contact by either texts, emails, phone calls and her regular visits to my house, after a few weeks she mentioned she wanted to get married after she would divorce her current husband, a week after she said she was being physically abused by him and she was moving away, I asked her to move in until she could find a place for her own and her daughter so within a couple of months of seeing each other she moved in.
    My gut feeling was always uneasy as if something was wrong, I kept telling myself that what’s wrong with giving this a shot and at least say that we tried so we continued on… certain remarks, looks, comments would make me think twice about her during all this time. She never stopped contact with her ex or husband which she claimed to be terrified of. It got to a point that my head could not handle it, one night she claimed that she had a last minute kids pool party and wanted to take her daughter, I knew it wasn’t true because her daughter looked sad as if she didn’t want to go… I snapped and when they came back that night I asked her to leave, I keep playing that night in my head every day ever since it happened last year.
    I keep telling myself that this was for the best and if our relationship kept going my bond was just going to keep getting stronger and make it harder to see what’s right in front of me. I am an empath codependent due to early childhood issues with my parents never being emotionally available (my mother suffers from chronic depression among other mental issues). I have read from top to bottom your books and posts but I always wonder if my ex narcissist (she fits almost every description perfectly) would have made it work with me and make the relationship better… when she left she said she wanted to stay together and hoovered me back only for her to have enough time to find another old and new supply then dumping me afterwards.
    I have been in many relationships including a divorce from years ago and break-ups although painful it just never felt this intense, I am working on healing and I do realize that it also takes time and it’s a very slow process but thanks to you I can always come here to read and learn more, thanks again for your support to people like us.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 4, 2017 at 6:35 pm Reply

      Hi Domo,

      So sorry you are going through this but it sounds as if your intuition – your gut feeling – finally started making some decisions. I don’t know why we doubt our intuition because it IS NEVER WRONG. We boot them to the curb because of a gut feeling then take them back after doubting ourselves only to have it happen again. Then we rinse and repeat. Yikes!!!

      I’m grateful that you find this site helpful and keep in mind I am available to speak with if you feel it would help. I talk with guys every day who been through the same exact thing as you so you are truly not alone. It’s a process to move forward but I am here to tell you that it WILL happen. It’s all about changing your perspective and I can help with that. Recovery is a team effort!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

  • Jonni Rosa

    February 9, 2017 at 5:06 pm Reply

    Hi Zari, i wanted to ask you a few questions and tell you about my story.

    My ex was diagnosed with NPD a while ago, but she refused treatment and denies that she has any issue.

    I started dating her exactly a year ago, back then i used to live in another state but we decided we should live together in her city. At first everything was extraordinary: she was respectful, gorgeous, treated me kindly everyday, understood my issues and tried to help me solve them. Until one day she started complaining that i stopped giving her the attention and admiration she needed, and all of a sudden, the housework soon became of my responsibility. She would blame me for the house not being clean enough, for not having enough time or money (i was currently working from home and not making a good amount of money). She would often triangulate (back then i didnt know that’s what she was really doing), telling me things her parents told her about me, that I should change this and that about myself, or have more money. She would often call me lazy, filthy, unattentive to her needs and feelings. I used to wake her everyday with her depression pills and a glass of water, the same before we went to sleep. I was always prompt to do anything she asked, and when I couldnt, she would say things like “if you were to do it later, i’d do it myself”. I always helped her with her studies, and i was always there when she had any kind of issue.

    Thing is, sometimes I got really angry at her, sometimes even to the point of calling her names. I’d often blame myself for that behavior and everytime it happened i always promised I wouldn’t do that again. Until she needled me again and over and over. Soon i became her puppet, she would tell me how to look like, what to wear, what I should or shouldn’t do in public or around her family. She would forbid me to smoke (which actually is a good thing, except that her only reason for this was that she didnt wanna be seen dating someone who smokes). With all the stress, insecurity and low self-esteem, i couldnt quit smoking so I would often smoke while she was not around, and lie to her about it, because i couldnt tell her the truth, or else she would threaten to end the relationship, or give me the silent treatment. Soon i started to have many issues at work and consequently with money, too. She would ask me to buy her a horse, a new car, or pay for some vacation trip she wanted. I always tried to tell her we should first save some money before spending everything right away. She would never undestand, and say that it discouraged her to be in this relationship, but when we started dating i made it very clear i wasnt able to spend much, because one my kittens was sick and i needed to save for the treatment. That kitten died, and i spent a whole week in bed, without speaking to her because i was really depressed. Meanwhile, she invited one of her friends to our house and was hanging around with him instead of being supportive. Then, i found out she was talking bad about me to one of her girlfriends, that’s when I snapped at her and we had a huge fight.

    Sometimes, she would start an argument, and in the middle of it, she would often grab her phone and start ignoring everything i was saying, i always tried to ask her camly to put her phone down and listen to me, and after a dozen times, i sometimes would take her phone out of her hands, which eventually lead to her hit me, or threaten she would smash my notebook, and even one time she tried to choke me, all because i didnt wanna give her phone back until she listened to what i had to say.

    Aside from that, I didnt have any mood for any kind of conversation, with her and everyone. Didnt have any will to go out and have fun, or to talk about shallow daily things.

    She likes to help abandoned dogs, and soon i found myself taking care of the house, working, taking care of the 6 pets we had and also trying to be the perfect boyfriend. We lived in a not so hude apartment, and of course 6 pets was a little too much.

    At our first anniversary, i had literally no money and couldnt meet her (she was in another city for a month). I didnt send her any message nor did i call her, because i was expecting she would come to our house and spend the day together, she refused to come, saying she didnt wanna spend the day inside our house doing nothing. I had to ask one of my clients to pay in advance so I could meet her, and in our way back home, she started arguing about something silly that i said, telling me “i cant stand to listen to you anymore”. When we got home, after 8 hours, and of course, with all the 6 pets SHE wanted, our house was smelly. She then started screaming at me saying i was filthy, lazy, that i couldn’t keep the house clean enough, and that she wanted to break up before she cheated on me. I had to lock the doors because she wanted to leave and it was 3am and i was afraid she would get involved in an accident (she was stressed and sleepy), or that she would kill herself. 1 day after we broke up, i found out she had already planned a trip later that week.

    So, what i wanted to ask:
    is it possible that i could have saved this relationship if i was kinder to her? if i showered her with attention and admiration every single day? Could have i saved this relationship if i haven’t yelled at her so badly sometimes, or if i were more talkative, or even if i havent acted like a jerk sometimes?

    Thanks!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 5:59 pm Reply

      Hi Jonni,

      To answer your questions:

      is it possible that i could have saved this relationship if i was kinder to her? Nope, it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.

      if i showered her with attention and admiration every single day? Nope…again, it wouldn’t have made a single bit of difference. Nothing – but nothing – makes them happy except YOUR SUFFERING.

      Could have i saved this relationship if i haven’t yelled at her so badly sometimes, or if i were more talkative, or even if i havent acted like a jerk sometimes? Wouldn’t have mattered. She would have found something else to complain about.

      Lock the doors, block her phone number, and get on with your life. She may return but that will only be to ensure that you never move on from the pain she has caused you. It will just be a check to see if you’re still in the queue and then she will do it all over again. I guarantee it. Now that you’re free, stay that way and live your life. You deserve to be happy!

      Zari xo

  • Peppermint

    January 22, 2017 at 7:18 pm Reply

    I just wonder why it is easy to let go of non-narcs but hard to let go narcs when we are already presented with all the hurtful things they did which are worse that what non-narcs did to us… especially the mental tortures during silent treatments. I’m in no contact (again he he 3rd time), but daily the thoughts of him seems like hoovering in my mind when actually no hoovering yet is happening. I wish there is hypnotism where my memory of him will completely disappear from my mind so I do not have to battle every single day. Every time before his ghosting, he will leave i love you words then I would response the same. Now before the recent one, I did not reply. Because deep in my heart I know they were empty words with no meaning. when I was googling for silent treatment I found your site. Thankful I found this. I am so amazed as how you can describe every thing I went thru in words I could not say. But you spot them all on. Truly God is using your past although painful to be a tool to help many to understand what we are going through.

    • Zari Ballard

      January 24, 2017 at 12:47 pm Reply

      Thank you for the kind words, Peppermint! Years ago, I made my discovery about what/who I was dealing with by googling about the silent treatment as well. This was my narc’s favorite tactic and it nearly killed me. If you get a chance, please read my book When Love Is a Lie because it is my story and you will see yourself all over it, I guarantee it:) YOU CAN DO THIS…xoxox Zari

    • Suzi

      January 25, 2017 at 11:24 am Reply

      Hi Peppermint. I so can empathasize with your post and trying to rid ourselves of the ghostly enduring pain that lingers when you are in the midst of N/C this I have found one of the most difficult things to navigate. It punctuates are whole daily existence. As I to am at rudimentary stages of my another attempt of intiaiting N/C (all other tries have been more silent treatments to illicit responses), what I have found that works today is the “postpone and pretend” a technique Zari recommends which puts the all consuming hurt and wanting to reach out on hold just for a moment. Then subsequently pretend to be ok and do something else, work, organise the kids, watch a programme that way I think we get a little stronger and delay any addictive response. I absolutely am with you on the hooks from emails that leave you yearning to respond with every sinew of your body and mind. Read Zari’s books there lies a road back to a free and non obsessive life. Zari – Really looking forward to our first real time conversation your reprogramming of my rose tinted, addicted mind-set is much needed to help me through the agony of a truly committed N/C

  • Reland McClure

    August 10, 2016 at 3:17 pm Reply

    You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head! Many actually. I am 3/12 yrs out of a 28 yr marriage to a covert narc who ended it all with an in my face affair full of lies & deceit. It began 6 months after death of my mom, my dad passed a year & 3 months prior to mom’s passing. I was in so much pain from their deaths & he was unsupportive as I cared for them watching their cancers suck the life from them. As he saw it, I deserted him to care for them so since I chose my parents over him I’d have to suffer the consequences of my choice. He was cruel with her s words & actions choosing to make me pay buy watching him fall for another, rejecting me, lying to everyone adout me to justify his actions(his affair), sold our home, my inheritance, promising a reconciliation to keep me on th side & mind fucking me to keep control so he could see me fall on my ass. ( his words to a common friend) All of this was my fault & my choices destroyed homes his love for me. He stole part of the main net from the sale of our home & moved to another state leaving me with my car full of what I had left, a little money & nowhere to go. I was homeless, broken, empty, grief stricken & shell shocked. He was calm , happy & gone. I found a site called surviving infidelity & learned the emotional roller coaster I was on was normal & I wasn’t the lunatic he claimed me to be. I went to therapy until the money ran out( I draw a small disability check), & had to finally accept I’d never get closure & start over on my own. I thought my issues & damage was from how he ended 28 yrs of marriage & the head games he played damaged me beyond ever finding love again. Wrong! I was trying to heal & move four of the darkness & pain when a new man entered my life & is now my current husband. He had also just lost home & everything to his cheating ex bent forced to start over. I was lauhing again & feeling joy slowly returning. We have been through hell together & have much in common. He saw me at my darkest & most vulnerable. His kindness helped me find my way through the darkness & back to the light. Kindness! Such a simple but effective action. I’d lived in cruelty for so long I didn’t know what kindness from a man felt like. Taking baby steps we bonded, a relationship formed & I fell in love. I feel everything deeply & this love is the deepest I’ve known. Marriage scared me to death & im his first emotional love experience which scared him, lol! We parted briefly( a few months) when wild & weird circumstances brought us back together. I should be on cloud 9 as a newlywed! But something kept triggering me back to trust issues, feeling worthless, not good enough or worthy of happiness. I was battling demons again! Why? What was/is wrong with me?!? About 4 months ago I read an article about narcissistic abuse. I felt like I was reading my story! It was a punch in the gut I had no idea I was emotionally abused! Some days are great, normal……other days are a battle. I’m way past ex narc. The love murdered & long dead. Ended contact July 2014 & never looked back! I realize now the issues stem from the abuse and seeking an end to the side effects of the damage. I don’t want my husband to pay for the damage another created. I know that 28 yrs of constant push pull, damned if you do, damned if you don’t, made to feel inferior/ not good enough, etc doesn’t heal overnight……so now what do I do ? How do I conquer this again? Please, any insight would be greatly appreciated! Thank you! I hope to buy one of your books soon!
    Sincerely,
    A survivor sister, Reland

    • Zari Ballard

      August 22, 2016 at 12:30 am Reply

      Hi Reland,

      I just wrote you this long response and then somehow deleted it. Arrrrgh! Look, please consider booking a consultation with me so I can help you deal with this emotional residue. You deserve nothing but happiness and I do NOT want you to bring any of the baggage to this new love. 28 years is a lifetime to have had to suffer the nightmare but now you have to begin to see the experience through another perspective…almost as if you were watching a movie of someone elses’s life on instant replay. The good news is that, right now this minute, it is NOT your life anymore. You are FREE…which is truly amazing all by itself. YOU were never the problem and you have to know this in your heart to truly open to the new world.

      Please send me a message via the Contact page and I will send you my books in PDF so that you can get started. You are a survivor and there is a community of wonderful people here that would love to help. Keep reading through the articles and the comments underneath and you will find that underneath all that pain is a shiny new penny. Your light never went out, it was only muted. Love found you and now you must give it a full-on chance with everything that you’ve got!

      Stay strong, sister!!!

      Zari xo

  • Karen

    August 3, 2016 at 7:59 am Reply

    I paid for the bundle in Paypal & never received an email containing the links. I have written your website twice & got no response. I have started a claim with Paypal to get my money back. I would have liked to read these ebooks…

    • Zari Ballard

      August 4, 2016 at 5:34 pm Reply

      Hi Karen,

      I sent you an email with the books attached this morning telling you that I had sent the books before so to check your SPAM folder. Unfortunately, that’s where they go sometimes. For your inconvenience, I also refunded the money as well. Sorry about the hassle. I want you to read the books too:)

      Zari xo

  • Dawn

    May 17, 2016 at 11:11 pm Reply

    My husband is a narcissist. Everything you have written describes him! I am scared of him! I need to get away for my children and myself. I don’t know what will happen to us but I can’t continue this way.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2016 at 8:32 pm Reply

      Hi Dawn,

      It kills me when people write that they are afraid. There has got to be a way out. Please consider booking a consultation so we can brainstorm a strategy. You are NOT doomed to stay in this relationship and as long as you and the children are together, you WILL survive. Is there family that you can stay with? Please write me back with an update.

      Zari xo

  • Michele

    May 7, 2016 at 5:07 pm Reply

    My narcissist will leave a gift card and $ every other week in an envelope saying I’m sorry. Its been 8months and i did the no contact for 7 months until i did express he needs to stop.well he didn’t and I know he’s moved on. I just need him to stop. It brings up hurt over and over. What can I do

    • Zari Ballard

      May 11, 2016 at 2:52 pm Reply

      Hi Michelle,

      Well, my suggestion is to change your perspective about the situation…and you start that by gathering up all the gift cards as they come in and then grab a girlfriend and go shopping. That should be your first order of business. (It’s so typical of a narc to move on yet still be trying to keep you in the queue.) Secondly, try to stop looking at it as hurtful and start seeing it as pathetic and irrelevant because that’s what it is. If all he’s doing is leaving gift cards and money every other week, you’ve gotta know that he’s really not motivated to take it any further. Is he mailing them or dropping them off? I suppose, if he’s dropping it off, you could get a restraining order to make it so he legally CAN’T come by your place. I know it’s a big step and an uncomfortable one but it may be what you have to do. I, for one, would look at it as GIFTS AND MONEY THAT I DESERVE and I would spend every bit of it. Eventually, he WILL stop. OR you could, each time he either leaves an envelope or sends it, just take it and drop it in another envelope and send it back to him. Do this enough times and he’ll get the message, believe me.

      Hope that helps…

      Zari xo

  • Hope

    April 9, 2016 at 8:51 am Reply

    Dear Zari,

    I need help ! I am not living in the states .There are no support groups where I live.
    I have been involved with a married narcissist for the past 22 months. He is married with kids. He is a very famous artist. Loved and admired by many. I am also married with kids. He was a friend on facebook. I comented once on one of his pictures. After that comment he wrote to me and called me using facebook phone. He insisted that we meet in person. I didn’t really want to . One day he asked where I am .I was at the mall so he just showed up. I thought it very romantic .I was attratted to him instantly. He made me laugh like no one ever did. My farher passed a year earlier, that was devaststing for me. My daughter was depressed and had suicidal thoughts and admited to the hospital .I was stuck in a loveles marriage. And he made me laugh. His paintings took my breath away .He was exciting in every way. He was handsome, with money and I felt he could get me. After our first meeting he got cold and then warm again .I never understood what he wanted nor felt .After we had sex I told him that we are both in loveless marriages. I want him as a friend and lover. He was insultaed by my honesty .Earsed me from his facebook and other medias. I really didn’t understand what I did wrong .I called him .We continued seeing each other whenever it suited him .He promised me gifts and help. But they were just words. He traveled a lot abroad for his art shows. He shared everything with me. I quickly realized that he shared with many others as well. The red flags came to me quickly .But I chose to ignor them. Everything was about him . He showed me his paintings , clothes he purchased , expensive tgings he bought for his home .He wanted my opinion. He would disapoear for weeks. Then contact me again. Promising the moon… just words. I am not sure if I should continue. If you will read all this ? Please give me a sign.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 24, 2016 at 12:06 am Reply

      Hi Hope,

      No, you should NOT continue. Block him from ever being able to contact you again. Stop checking his social media and block him from yours. Cut all the ties that bind. This man is a player and without a doubt a narcissist extraordinaire. I have no doubt he has women strung along all over the world…his little minions. Make the choice to NOT be one of his harem and cut him off. You do not have to tell him as you owe him no explanation whatsoever. Move on with your life and care for those around you that love you and need you. Life is too short and we all deserve to be happy. Say no more!

      Zari xo

    • J. Anderson

      March 10, 2017 at 11:06 am Reply

      If I were to advise the person receiving unwanted gift cards, As a victim of a narcissist myself, I would call him stingy, and say I want more. They can’t stand looking like a cheap person! Then , spend , spend. You probably would get rid of him faster! They are real sick people who could get help, but won’t.

Share your thoughts! Only first post is held for moderation. Zari does her best to reply to all:)

Optimization WordPress Plugins & Solutions by W3 EDGE
Get Zari's Book
Read more:
Narcissists, Facebook, & Cell Phones – Oh My!!

How on earth did narcissists and sociopaths ever pander their diabolical wares before the invention of cell phones, Facebook, and other forms of social media? For those of us who’s...

Close