Letting Go of the Narcissist = Releasing the Past

letting-go-of-the-narcissist
Zari Ballard’s Blog, TheNarcissisticPersonality.com

To begin to let go of the narcissist, we must release the past and choose to live in the here and now. This, my friends, is the only answer to the (heart) aches and pains that we feel after it finally ends with our narcissistic partner. There was nothing we could have ever done, no love we could have ever shown, and no words we could have ever spoken to this person that would have ever made a difference in the outcome.  It’s hard to accept and sadder than sad – I know. But it is what it is and life simply has to go on.

About an hour ago, I was actually on the fence about what to focus on for my next post. Then, I went to my email and found this from Daily OM as my horoscope for the day:

 

Release the Past
Aries Daily Horoscope (Daily OM)

You may notice mood swings today that may be due to memories from the past. There could be many emotional triggers that leave you feeling uncertain about how to handle various situations. You might feel that the past is more present to you than the present and that your ways of dealing with what arises doesn’t reflect who you are but rather who you were. Today would be a good time to become aware of these triggers and remind yourself that the past cannot hurt you. Should you feel that your thoughts about what happened previously affect your frame of mind, you can gently tell yourself that they have no power over you now. You might even repeat to yourself, “I am here in the now.” You could find that this helps you live more in the present and could help lighten your mood.

Reminding ourselves that the past holds no sway over us allows us to live in the present moment. It is easy for us to define ourselves and our actions based on either our past experiences, moods, or defense mechanisms. However, when we consciously bring ourselves into the now, our problems with the past dissipate. We see that there is very little in the present that threatens us and that the only thing in life we can change is our minds—we can’t change anything about the past. By releasing the power the past has over you today, you will discover the sweet wonders that await you in the present.

Wow. I instantly had to share this with you because it speaks of the one powerful Universal magic (solution) that actually has the potential to fix us once and for all…to take away our heartache forever…to fade the narcissist (and all his evilness) into total oblivion. It is the magic that makes a narcissist’s silent treatment our best friend and cognitive dissonance a figment of our imagination.  It is the magic that instantly creates the closure from the narcissist that we’ve been searching for. And this magic (solution), if we so choose to believe, is right at our fingertips all of the time.

Get the PDF Bundle: When Love Is a Lie &
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It is the power of the here and now…the power of the present moment. If we live in the here and now….if we choose to be mindful (no matter how hard it appears to be to do it) of only this moment and nothing else….if we practice this every day and especially each time a memory of the narcissist (good or bad) invades our thinking, we can finally detach from the pain. We can experience the pain, acknowledge it, and let it go. The here and now is the foundation for No Contact.

Because the truth is that in this very moment the N has no bearing on your life. In this very moment, he does not exist because he is not with you. It’s easy to maintain the No Contact Rule with someone who doesn’t exist! And the past…well, it’s the past…and the past (yesterday, last month, last year…) can not touch you in this very moment. It is behind you and you, therefore, must release it. Releasing the past is the logical thing to do – and you simply can’t argue with logic.

That which is behind you can not hurt you, my friend. Let your heart not be troubled. Believe in this and you too will become free. It will happen, I promise you.

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58 Comments

  • Sylvie

    April 28, 2017 at 7:14 am Reply

    For me, I researched all I could, I learned yep that’s him, I doubted myself with what if I leave and he isn’t that? back and forth with the it’s all my faulth, then i just said i can’t do this anymore. I realized i had great sisters who said “would it matter?” The truth was, he had cheated and even if i say i forgive him, i don’t want to trust him again, I see him in a different way, i don’t want to be part of this maybe real maybe make belief life, he treated badly because he was so frustrated with me, my fault. I started to look at him and anything, i mean anything he would say to me would pretty much be a lie wether i had proof or not, would it matter, i felt it, and if i was wrong? The truth was still i didn’t trust him and he never gave me reason to trust him, but plenty not to, i tried to understand why would someone be like this, the end it doesn’t matter, I am not this person and i will not become him, which is exactly what was happening, i would rage, and get so frustrated, i would lie instead of having to deal with his bs, So why would i want to be with someone that when with them i felt this way, no matter him, or me or situations, doesn’t matter it was how i felt!!! And i was unhappy end of story , i deserve to be happy and as scared as i was of moving forward, i push dougt out of the way. Nothing good will ever be for me if i stayed, or if i didn’t feel deserving enough.

  • Wendie

    April 3, 2017 at 8:25 pm Reply

    Wow. I just found your blog and it’s REALLY GOOD. I’ve been ravenously devouring everything I can on this topic and have ingested an insane amount, so that’s really saying something!
    I have struggled unsuccessfully with the concepts of ‘mindfulness’ and ‘being in the moment’ for way too long. But you definitely put it in a way I could actually kind of grasp for once – a way that didn’t piss me off for lack of ‘getting it’ before.
    My problem is, I AM still enmeshed with my exN in many ways. Even though it’s been almost 2 years since my discard, I have to deal with the legal bee-ess of our divorce, finances, custody, and all the rest of the fall-out literally daily. I’m in a terrible situation with no help or attorney (or money) so I literally have no control over my life and am subject to the whims of the narcissistic abuse by proxy practically all the time!! I KNOW I need to be rid of it all to move forward but I’m very limited in what I have control over! (And my God – the kids – oi.)
    HOW do you get through the unending hell of the process and keep your sanity??

    • Zari Ballard

      April 8, 2017 at 12:18 am Reply

      Hi Wendi,

      You CAN get through the process and keep your sanity at the same time. If you haven’t read my book When Love Is a Lie, you should. If you want to send me a message using the Contact Me page, I’ll send it to you for free. It’s a quick and easy read and it will show you how I did it. It’s all about changing your perspective. They don’t have to have the control. How is it happening that you are not receiving any money for the kids? There’s got to be a way….

      Zari xo

      • Wendie

        April 15, 2017 at 9:30 am Reply

        Thank you, Zari! I sent you an email and would LOVE your book! But I don’t see it and I looked in my spam. Is there a search term I could use to look for it in there?
        Divorcing these psychos is hell!!

        • Zari Ballard

          April 16, 2017 at 2:17 am Reply

          Just sent it from my Yahoo email. Enjoy!…xo

        • Zari Ballard

          April 16, 2017 at 12:20 pm Reply

          Girl, I sent the book again (from my Yahoo address) to the email that you used to post here but it is getting kicked back to me and undeliverable. I will try to send from my Gmail and see if that makes it through.

        • Zari Ballard

          April 16, 2017 at 7:43 pm Reply

          Nope, got kicked back from my Gmail as well. I’m out of options.

  • Kris

    February 27, 2017 at 3:27 pm Reply

    I met a toxic narc on POF 12/15. A liar from the second date,with numerous.profiles, followed by infidelity and constant deception.

    My wake up call was getting phoned by a woman he was also dating, who got into his phone, discovering six other “exclusive” girlfriends.

    Shortly after, yet another woman surfaced. I knew there were others but he always denied it, saying I was paranoid (due to the past cheating, which he denied but was verified by the other woman). had a new Facebook friend, who was friends with a woman I never met. My guy had said he had 1 date with her but they didn’t click. Logging on, I was stunned to see that woman, posting about MY boyfriend by name, with roses he gave her, gifts, etc. He was dating her for 9 months while with me, and not casually–they took a trip together! When I confronted him about the deception, he said I was crazy and why was I jealous, it was just sex! Yet he never gave me a single gift or remembered special days with me, which led to several fights. Yet he never corrected those issues, and now it’s obvious why. I was good enough to use but not to treat like a real girlfriend! I treated him well, and lovingly. That did hurt, and he is history. Now he is bad mouthing me to friends as his crazy jealous ex, but they are on my side. Some knew of the connection and we’re concerned.

    Don’t waste yourself on these monsters. They are nothing but drama with NO benefit.

  • Domo

    February 26, 2017 at 6:14 pm Reply

    I can’t thank you enough for your site and your books which I have bought and read, it’s been about a month of no contact for me and even though I thought it would get easier my mind still goes back to blaming myself sometimes for the relationship not working out… I was the one who initially ended it and asked her to move out, she was still married “separated” and also had 2 year affair with an ex boyfriend, 2 weeks after she ended it with him is when she started to pursue me. We had one lunch (we work together and I have known this person for over 8 years) and 2 days after we started being intimate. We would constantly keep contact by either texts, emails, phone calls and her regular visits to my house, after a few weeks she mentioned she wanted to get married after she would divorce her current husband, a week after she said she was being physically abused by him and she was moving away, I asked her to move in until she could find a place for her own and her daughter so within a couple of months of seeing each other she moved in.
    My gut feeling was always uneasy as if something was wrong, I kept telling myself that what’s wrong with giving this a shot and at least say that we tried so we continued on… certain remarks, looks, comments would make me think twice about her during all this time. She never stopped contact with her ex or husband which she claimed to be terrified of. It got to a point that my head could not handle it, one night she claimed that she had a last minute kids pool party and wanted to take her daughter, I knew it wasn’t true because her daughter looked sad as if she didn’t want to go… I snapped and when they came back that night I asked her to leave, I keep playing that night in my head every day ever since it happened last year.
    I keep telling myself that this was for the best and if our relationship kept going my bond was just going to keep getting stronger and make it harder to see what’s right in front of me. I am an empath codependent due to early childhood issues with my parents never being emotionally available (my mother suffers from chronic depression among other mental issues). I have read from top to bottom your books and posts but I always wonder if my ex narcissist (she fits almost every description perfectly) would have made it work with me and make the relationship better… when she left she said she wanted to stay together and hoovered me back only for her to have enough time to find another old and new supply then dumping me afterwards.
    I have been in many relationships including a divorce from years ago and break-ups although painful it just never felt this intense, I am working on healing and I do realize that it also takes time and it’s a very slow process but thanks to you I can always come here to read and learn more, thanks again for your support to people like us.

    • Zari Ballard

      March 4, 2017 at 6:35 pm Reply

      Hi Domo,

      So sorry you are going through this but it sounds as if your intuition – your gut feeling – finally started making some decisions. I don’t know why we doubt our intuition because it IS NEVER WRONG. We boot them to the curb because of a gut feeling then take them back after doubting ourselves only to have it happen again. Then we rinse and repeat. Yikes!!!

      I’m grateful that you find this site helpful and keep in mind I am available to speak with if you feel it would help. I talk with guys every day who been through the same exact thing as you so you are truly not alone. It’s a process to move forward but I am here to tell you that it WILL happen. It’s all about changing your perspective and I can help with that. Recovery is a team effort!

      Stay strong!

      Zari xo

      • LB

        July 7, 2017 at 3:54 pm Reply

        Domo-
        I went through the exact thing as you..It’s been two days now since I broke it off. He was older married but “separated” and had found the love of his life in me. He asked me if we could move in together when things were good and so we did. Then he cheated on me with his ex and came back home, laying on my couch texting multiple other women. I didn’t want to believe it and never listened to my intuition even though I knew very clearly what was going on.
        He had a weird hold on me that I just couldn’t come to terms with confronting him or believing it. Eventually my body language gave me away and me avoiding him raised some suspicion in his head. He made me feel so great the night before like everything was going to be okay and then BOOM he dropped me the next day. I hurt so much and NC for a month and then he started creeping in again. This time would be different he said, he was going to get his own place, get everything with the divorce squared away etc. Few weeks later after bringing a few clothes over and creating a life that we had before he moved back in. He lasted few He lasted few weeks and cheated again with the same ex. He cried and wailed and said he’s messed up etc. and that this was it, it was a big awakening call to see what he was about to lose etc. shamefully, I accepted it. Three months went by and things were fine. But it’s funny because even though they are supposed to be great liars, they aren’t really that great if you just listen like Zari mentions. I watched and listened, very very patiently and would watch him change like i’m a burden in his life, irritated, not interested etc. when there was someone else. This time I wanted to be the one who left him so I just played along, until I had a massive panic attack and flinched every time he came near me to comfort me. It was the first time something like this happened to me. He gave up comforting me and left me to take care of myself giving me no explanation for what was going on in his mind or the messages that popped up on his phone from another woman. Fast forward to last week, per the divorce papers he was supposed to go over to his previous house to get it ready to put it up for sale. One night he stayed over there “arguing” until 2:30am. I had cooked for him and was waiting at home to have dinner with him. I called him multiple times but nothing. When he walked in he apologized and said we were arguing. What is there to argue about? Isn’t it done? That’s when I made my decision. I wasn’t going to be the loser this time, I was going to win and the only way to win was to discard him and wipe his ass out of my life. I told him I was going to leave and asked him to move out but he needed me until the divorce was final and so he was very sweet and said we could work it out, we should let her (ex) win, we were a team and that I was about to quit on us etc. But NO not this time. I stayed for 2 days and on the 3rd day I saw her calling him late at night. I flipped and he asked him to leave if not I would call the cops. He left (obviously went to her) and didn’t come back. He said some extremely hurtful things to me especially after I’ve helped him out so much and then called me the next day to apologize. July 4th, he spent the night there and of course he slept with her. July 5th I came back home and knocked all his stuff out and threatened him got him to leave and even while he was at the door he was trying to sleep with him. I shut him down gently instead of going through his raging tantrums and then he looked at me and in a month when all this is done maybe we can……

        I stopped him and said thanks for the keys- good luck with your life and walked away and never looked back.

        Today- I feel like SHIT and empty but I am going to be strong. We feel this way because they consume every minute of our lives that when they are gone it’s almost as if our “supply” has been taken away as well. No other relationships make you feel like this because we are drawn toward trying to make a wrong right and dealing with normal intelligent people is almost too easy. That’s how him and his ex worked for 20+ years…they played with each other’s mind.

        Zari’s book helped me so much to understand that it’s NOT me. I am NOT crazy and I am VERY capable of having a normal relationship with someone who loves ME and not with someone who can’t even love themselves. They are just envious of you and bring you down so they can feel superior about themselves. Thank your stars and erase everything! Good Luck!

    • Zari Ballard

      July 10, 2017 at 1:44 am Reply

      HERE IS A REPLY FROM LB (he sent to me by mistake) You can respond to him above at his post if you like:)

      Domo-

      I went through the exact thing as you..It’s been two days now since I broke it off. He was older married but “separated” and had found the love of his life in me. He asked me if we could move in together when things were good and so we did. Then he cheated on me with his ex and came back home, laying on my couch texting multiple other women. I didn’t want to believe it and never listened to my intuition even though I knew very clearly what was going on.
      He had a weird hold on me that I just couldn’t come to terms with confronting him or believing it. Eventually my body language gave me away and me avoiding him raised some suspicion in his head. He made me feel so great the night before like everything was going to be okay and then BOOM he dropped me the next day. I hurt so much and NC for a month and then he started creeping in again. This time would be different he said, he was going to get his own place, get everything with the divorce squared away etc. Few weeks later after bringing a few clothes over and creating a life that we had before he moved back in. He lasted few He lasted few weeks and cheated again with the same ex. He cried and wailed and said he’s messed up etc. and that this was it, it was a big awakening call to see what he was about to lose etc. shamefully, I accepted it. Three months went by and things were fine. But it’s funny because even though they are supposed to be great liars, they aren’t really that great if you just listen like Zari mentions. I watched and listened, very very patiently and would watch him change like i’m a burden in his life, irritated, not interested etc. when there was someone else. This time I wanted to be the one who left him so I just played along, until I had a massive panic attack and flinched every time he came near me to comfort me. It was the first time something like this happened to me. He gave up comforting me and left me to take care of myself giving me no explanation for what was going on in his mind or the messages that popped up on his phone from another woman. Fast forward to last week, per the divorce papers he was supposed to go over to his previous house to get it ready to put it up for sale. One night he stayed over there “arguing” until 2:30am. I had cooked for him and was waiting at home to have dinner with him. I called him multiple times but nothing. When he walked in he apologized and said we were arguing. What is there to argue about? Isn’t it done? That’s when I made my decision. I wasn’t going to be the loser this time, I was going to win and the only way to win was to discard him and wipe his ass out of my life. I told him I was going to leave and asked him to move out but he needed me until the divorce was final and so he was very sweet and said we could work it out, we should let her (ex) win, we were a team and that I was about to quit on us etc. But NO not this time. I stayed for 2 days and on the 3rd day I saw her calling him late at night. I flipped and he asked him to leave if not I would call the cops. He left (obviously went to her) and didn’t come back. He said some extremely hurtful things to me especially after I’ve helped him out so much and then called me the next day to apologize. July 4th, he spent the night there and of course he slept with her. July 5th I came back home and knocked all his stuff out and threatened him got him to leave and even while he was at the door he was trying to sleep with him. I shut him down gently instead of going through his raging tantrums and then he looked at me and in a month when all this is done maybe we can……

      I stopped him and said thanks for the keys- good luck with your life and walked away and never looked back.

      Today- I feel like SHIT and empty but I am going to be strong. We feel this way because they consume every minute of our lives that when they are gone it’s almost as if our “supply” has been taken away as well. No other relationships make you feel like this because we are drawn toward trying to make a wrong right and dealing with normal intelligent people is almost too easy. That’s how him and his ex worked for 20+ years…they played with each other’s mind.

      Zari’s book helped me so much to understand that it’s NOT me. I am NOT crazy and I am VERY capable of having a normal relationship with someone who loves ME and not with someone who can’t even love themselves. They are just envious of you and bring you down so they can feel superior about themselves. Thank your stars and erase everything! Good Luck!

  • Jonni Rosa

    February 9, 2017 at 5:06 pm Reply

    Hi Zari, i wanted to ask you a few questions and tell you about my story.

    My ex was diagnosed with NPD a while ago, but she refused treatment and denies that she has any issue.

    I started dating her exactly a year ago, back then i used to live in another state but we decided we should live together in her city. At first everything was extraordinary: she was respectful, gorgeous, treated me kindly everyday, understood my issues and tried to help me solve them. Until one day she started complaining that i stopped giving her the attention and admiration she needed, and all of a sudden, the housework soon became of my responsibility. She would blame me for the house not being clean enough, for not having enough time or money (i was currently working from home and not making a good amount of money). She would often triangulate (back then i didnt know that’s what she was really doing), telling me things her parents told her about me, that I should change this and that about myself, or have more money. She would often call me lazy, filthy, unattentive to her needs and feelings. I used to wake her everyday with her depression pills and a glass of water, the same before we went to sleep. I was always prompt to do anything she asked, and when I couldnt, she would say things like “if you were to do it later, i’d do it myself”. I always helped her with her studies, and i was always there when she had any kind of issue.

    Thing is, sometimes I got really angry at her, sometimes even to the point of calling her names. I’d often blame myself for that behavior and everytime it happened i always promised I wouldn’t do that again. Until she needled me again and over and over. Soon i became her puppet, she would tell me how to look like, what to wear, what I should or shouldn’t do in public or around her family. She would forbid me to smoke (which actually is a good thing, except that her only reason for this was that she didnt wanna be seen dating someone who smokes). With all the stress, insecurity and low self-esteem, i couldnt quit smoking so I would often smoke while she was not around, and lie to her about it, because i couldnt tell her the truth, or else she would threaten to end the relationship, or give me the silent treatment. Soon i started to have many issues at work and consequently with money, too. She would ask me to buy her a horse, a new car, or pay for some vacation trip she wanted. I always tried to tell her we should first save some money before spending everything right away. She would never undestand, and say that it discouraged her to be in this relationship, but when we started dating i made it very clear i wasnt able to spend much, because one my kittens was sick and i needed to save for the treatment. That kitten died, and i spent a whole week in bed, without speaking to her because i was really depressed. Meanwhile, she invited one of her friends to our house and was hanging around with him instead of being supportive. Then, i found out she was talking bad about me to one of her girlfriends, that’s when I snapped at her and we had a huge fight.

    Sometimes, she would start an argument, and in the middle of it, she would often grab her phone and start ignoring everything i was saying, i always tried to ask her camly to put her phone down and listen to me, and after a dozen times, i sometimes would take her phone out of her hands, which eventually lead to her hit me, or threaten she would smash my notebook, and even one time she tried to choke me, all because i didnt wanna give her phone back until she listened to what i had to say.

    Aside from that, I didnt have any mood for any kind of conversation, with her and everyone. Didnt have any will to go out and have fun, or to talk about shallow daily things.

    She likes to help abandoned dogs, and soon i found myself taking care of the house, working, taking care of the 6 pets we had and also trying to be the perfect boyfriend. We lived in a not so hude apartment, and of course 6 pets was a little too much.

    At our first anniversary, i had literally no money and couldnt meet her (she was in another city for a month). I didnt send her any message nor did i call her, because i was expecting she would come to our house and spend the day together, she refused to come, saying she didnt wanna spend the day inside our house doing nothing. I had to ask one of my clients to pay in advance so I could meet her, and in our way back home, she started arguing about something silly that i said, telling me “i cant stand to listen to you anymore”. When we got home, after 8 hours, and of course, with all the 6 pets SHE wanted, our house was smelly. She then started screaming at me saying i was filthy, lazy, that i couldn’t keep the house clean enough, and that she wanted to break up before she cheated on me. I had to lock the doors because she wanted to leave and it was 3am and i was afraid she would get involved in an accident (she was stressed and sleepy), or that she would kill herself. 1 day after we broke up, i found out she had already planned a trip later that week.

    So, what i wanted to ask:
    is it possible that i could have saved this relationship if i was kinder to her? if i showered her with attention and admiration every single day? Could have i saved this relationship if i haven’t yelled at her so badly sometimes, or if i were more talkative, or even if i havent acted like a jerk sometimes?

    Thanks!

    • Zari Ballard

      February 13, 2017 at 5:59 pm Reply

      Hi Jonni,

      To answer your questions:

      is it possible that i could have saved this relationship if i was kinder to her? Nope, it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.

      if i showered her with attention and admiration every single day? Nope…again, it wouldn’t have made a single bit of difference. Nothing – but nothing – makes them happy except YOUR SUFFERING.

      Could have i saved this relationship if i haven’t yelled at her so badly sometimes, or if i were more talkative, or even if i havent acted like a jerk sometimes? Wouldn’t have mattered. She would have found something else to complain about.

      Lock the doors, block her phone number, and get on with your life. She may return but that will only be to ensure that you never move on from the pain she has caused you. It will just be a check to see if you’re still in the queue and then she will do it all over again. I guarantee it. Now that you’re free, stay that way and live your life. You deserve to be happy!

      Zari xo

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