Letting Go of the Narcissist = Releasing the Past

Zari Ballard’s Blog, TheNarcissisticPersonality.com

To begin to let go of the narcissist, we must release the past and choose to live in the here and now. This, my friends, is the only answer to the (heart) aches and pains that we feel after it finally ends with our narcissistic partner. There was nothing we could have ever done, no love we could have ever shown, and no words we could have ever spoken to this person that would have ever made a difference in the outcome.  It’s hard to accept and sadder than sad – I know. But it is what it is and life simply has to go on.

About an hour ago, I was actually on the fence about what to focus on for my next post. Then, I went to my email and found this from Daily OM as my horoscope for the day:


February 10, 2014
Release the Past
Aries Daily Horoscope (Daily OM)

You may notice mood swings today that may be due to memories from the past. There could be many emotional triggers that leave you feeling uncertain about how to handle various situations. You might feel that the past is more present to you than the present and that your ways of dealing with what arises doesn’t reflect who you are but rather who you were. Today would be a good time to become aware of these triggers and remind yourself that the past cannot hurt you. Should you feel that your thoughts about what happened previously affect your frame of mind, you can gently tell yourself that they have no power over you now. You might even repeat to yourself, “I am here in the now.” You could find that this helps you live more in the present and could help lighten your mood.

Reminding ourselves that the past holds no sway over us allows us to live in the present moment. It is easy for us to define ourselves and our actions based on either our past experiences, moods, or defense mechanisms. However, when we consciously bring ourselves into the now, our problems with the past dissipate. We see that there is very little in the present that threatens us and that the only thing in life we can change is our minds—we can’t change anything about the past. By releasing the power the past has over you today, you will discover the sweet wonders that await you in the present.

Wow. I instantly had to share this with you because it speaks of the one powerful Universal magic (solution) that actually has the potential to fix us once and for all…to take away our heartache forever…to fade the narcissist (and all his evilness) into total oblivion. It is the magic that makes a narcissist’s silent treatment our best friend and cognitive dissonance a figment of our imagination.  It is the magic that instantly creates the closure from the narcissist that we’ve been searching for. And this magic (solution), if we so choose to believe, is right at our fingertips all of the time.

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It is the power of the here and now…the power of the present moment. If we live in the here and now….if we choose to be mindful (no matter how hard it appears to be to do it) of only this moment and nothing else….if we practice this every day and especially each time a memory of the narcissist (good or bad) invades our thinking, we can finally detach from the pain. We can experience the pain, acknowledge it, and let it go. The here and now is the foundation for No Contact.

Because the truth is that in this very moment the N has no bearing on your life. In this very moment, he does not exist because he is not with you. It’s easy to maintain the No Contact Rule with someone who doesn’t exist! And the past…well, it’s the past…and the past (yesterday, last month, last year…) can not touch you in this very moment. It is behind you and you, therefore, must release it. Releasing the past is the logical thing to do – and you simply can’t argue with logic.

That which is behind you can not hurt you, my friend. Let your heart not be troubled. Believe in this and you too will become free. It will happen, I promise you.


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  • Reland McClure

    August 10, 2016 at 3:17 pm Reply

    You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head! Many actually. I am 3/12 yrs out of a 28 yr marriage to a covert narc who ended it all with an in my face affair full of lies & deceit. It began 6 months after death of my mom, my dad passed a year & 3 months prior to mom’s passing. I was in so much pain from their deaths & he was unsupportive as I cared for them watching their cancers suck the life from them. As he saw it, I deserted him to care for them so since I chose my parents over him I’d have to suffer the consequences of my choice. He was cruel with her s words & actions choosing to make me pay buy watching him fall for another, rejecting me, lying to everyone adout me to justify his actions(his affair), sold our home, my inheritance, promising a reconciliation to keep me on th side & mind fucking me to keep control so he could see me fall on my ass. ( his words to a common friend) All of this was my fault & my choices destroyed homes his love for me. He stole part of the main net from the sale of our home & moved to another state leaving me with my car full of what I had left, a little money & nowhere to go. I was homeless, broken, empty, grief stricken & shell shocked. He was calm , happy & gone. I found a site called surviving infidelity & learned the emotional roller coaster I was on was normal & I wasn’t the lunatic he claimed me to be. I went to therapy until the money ran out( I draw a small disability check), & had to finally accept I’d never get closure & start over on my own. I thought my issues & damage was from how he ended 28 yrs of marriage & the head games he played damaged me beyond ever finding love again. Wrong! I was trying to heal & move four of the darkness & pain when a new man entered my life & is now my current husband. He had also just lost home & everything to his cheating ex bent forced to start over. I was lauhing again & feeling joy slowly returning. We have been through hell together & have much in common. He saw me at my darkest & most vulnerable. His kindness helped me find my way through the darkness & back to the light. Kindness! Such a simple but effective action. I’d lived in cruelty for so long I didn’t know what kindness from a man felt like. Taking baby steps we bonded, a relationship formed & I fell in love. I feel everything deeply & this love is the deepest I’ve known. Marriage scared me to death & im his first emotional love experience which scared him, lol! We parted briefly( a few months) when wild & weird circumstances brought us back together. I should be on cloud 9 as a newlywed! But something kept triggering me back to trust issues, feeling worthless, not good enough or worthy of happiness. I was battling demons again! Why? What was/is wrong with me?!? About 4 months ago I read an article about narcissistic abuse. I felt like I was reading my story! It was a punch in the gut I had no idea I was emotionally abused! Some days are great, normal……other days are a battle. I’m way past ex narc. The love murdered & long dead. Ended contact July 2014 & never looked back! I realize now the issues stem from the abuse and seeking an end to the side effects of the damage. I don’t want my husband to pay for the damage another created. I know that 28 yrs of constant push pull, damned if you do, damned if you don’t, made to feel inferior/ not good enough, etc doesn’t heal overnight……so now what do I do ? How do I conquer this again? Please, any insight would be greatly appreciated! Thank you! I hope to buy one of your books soon!
    A survivor sister, Reland

    • Zari Ballard

      August 22, 2016 at 12:30 am Reply

      Hi Reland,

      I just wrote you this long response and then somehow deleted it. Arrrrgh! Look, please consider booking a consultation with me so I can help you deal with this emotional residue. You deserve nothing but happiness and I do NOT want you to bring any of the baggage to this new love. 28 years is a lifetime to have had to suffer the nightmare but now you have to begin to see the experience through another perspective…almost as if you were watching a movie of someone elses’s life on instant replay. The good news is that, right now this minute, it is NOT your life anymore. You are FREE…which is truly amazing all by itself. YOU were never the problem and you have to know this in your heart to truly open to the new world.

      Please send me a message via the Contact page and I will send you my books in PDF so that you can get started. You are a survivor and there is a community of wonderful people here that would love to help. Keep reading through the articles and the comments underneath and you will find that underneath all that pain is a shiny new penny. Your light never went out, it was only muted. Love found you and now you must give it a full-on chance with everything that you’ve got!

      Stay strong, sister!!!

      Zari xo

  • Karen

    August 3, 2016 at 7:59 am Reply

    I paid for the bundle in Paypal & never received an email containing the links. I have written your website twice & got no response. I have started a claim with Paypal to get my money back. I would have liked to read these ebooks…

    • Zari Ballard

      August 4, 2016 at 5:34 pm Reply

      Hi Karen,

      I sent you an email with the books attached this morning telling you that I had sent the books before so to check your SPAM folder. Unfortunately, that’s where they go sometimes. For your inconvenience, I also refunded the money as well. Sorry about the hassle. I want you to read the books too:)

      Zari xo

  • Dawn

    May 17, 2016 at 11:11 pm Reply

    My husband is a narcissist. Everything you have written describes him! I am scared of him! I need to get away for my children and myself. I don’t know what will happen to us but I can’t continue this way.

    • Zari Ballard

      May 30, 2016 at 8:32 pm Reply

      Hi Dawn,

      It kills me when people write that they are afraid. There has got to be a way out. Please consider booking a consultation so we can brainstorm a strategy. You are NOT doomed to stay in this relationship and as long as you and the children are together, you WILL survive. Is there family that you can stay with? Please write me back with an update.

      Zari xo

  • Michele

    May 7, 2016 at 5:07 pm Reply

    My narcissist will leave a gift card and $ every other week in an envelope saying I’m sorry. Its been 8months and i did the no contact for 7 months until i did express he needs to stop.well he didn’t and I know he’s moved on. I just need him to stop. It brings up hurt over and over. What can I do

    • Zari Ballard

      May 11, 2016 at 2:52 pm Reply

      Hi Michelle,

      Well, my suggestion is to change your perspective about the situation…and you start that by gathering up all the gift cards as they come in and then grab a girlfriend and go shopping. That should be your first order of business. (It’s so typical of a narc to move on yet still be trying to keep you in the queue.) Secondly, try to stop looking at it as hurtful and start seeing it as pathetic and irrelevant because that’s what it is. If all he’s doing is leaving gift cards and money every other week, you’ve gotta know that he’s really not motivated to take it any further. Is he mailing them or dropping them off? I suppose, if he’s dropping it off, you could get a restraining order to make it so he legally CAN’T come by your place. I know it’s a big step and an uncomfortable one but it may be what you have to do. I, for one, would look at it as GIFTS AND MONEY THAT I DESERVE and I would spend every bit of it. Eventually, he WILL stop. OR you could, each time he either leaves an envelope or sends it, just take it and drop it in another envelope and send it back to him. Do this enough times and he’ll get the message, believe me.

      Hope that helps…

      Zari xo

  • Hope

    April 9, 2016 at 8:51 am Reply

    Dear Zari,

    I need help ! I am not living in the states .There are no support groups where I live.
    I have been involved with a married narcissist for the past 22 months. He is married with kids. He is a very famous artist. Loved and admired by many. I am also married with kids. He was a friend on facebook. I comented once on one of his pictures. After that comment he wrote to me and called me using facebook phone. He insisted that we meet in person. I didn’t really want to . One day he asked where I am .I was at the mall so he just showed up. I thought it very romantic .I was attratted to him instantly. He made me laugh like no one ever did. My farher passed a year earlier, that was devaststing for me. My daughter was depressed and had suicidal thoughts and admited to the hospital .I was stuck in a loveles marriage. And he made me laugh. His paintings took my breath away .He was exciting in every way. He was handsome, with money and I felt he could get me. After our first meeting he got cold and then warm again .I never understood what he wanted nor felt .After we had sex I told him that we are both in loveless marriages. I want him as a friend and lover. He was insultaed by my honesty .Earsed me from his facebook and other medias. I really didn’t understand what I did wrong .I called him .We continued seeing each other whenever it suited him .He promised me gifts and help. But they were just words. He traveled a lot abroad for his art shows. He shared everything with me. I quickly realized that he shared with many others as well. The red flags came to me quickly .But I chose to ignor them. Everything was about him . He showed me his paintings , clothes he purchased , expensive tgings he bought for his home .He wanted my opinion. He would disapoear for weeks. Then contact me again. Promising the moon… just words. I am not sure if I should continue. If you will read all this ? Please give me a sign.

    • Zari Ballard

      April 24, 2016 at 12:06 am Reply

      Hi Hope,

      No, you should NOT continue. Block him from ever being able to contact you again. Stop checking his social media and block him from yours. Cut all the ties that bind. This man is a player and without a doubt a narcissist extraordinaire. I have no doubt he has women strung along all over the world…his little minions. Make the choice to NOT be one of his harem and cut him off. You do not have to tell him as you owe him no explanation whatsoever. Move on with your life and care for those around you that love you and need you. Life is too short and we all deserve to be happy. Say no more!

      Zari xo

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