In relationships, the hoover maneuver is a narcissist’s claim to fame and there’s a simple reason for this: it rarely fails. This is fairly amazing given the fact that a hoover, by its narcissistic definition, is never a good thing and anybody who knows anything about narcissism knows this – including the recipient. Why knowing the consequences of hoovers doesn’t immediately deter a recipient from being a recipient can be credited to the narcissist’s excellent conditioning skills and his/her ability to manage down the recipient’s relationship expectations long before the first break-up and inevitable first hoover ever happens. Not only do recipients expect the hoover, they typically know it’s coming, often wish and even pray for it, and, in some cases, can actually will it to happen by using some backwards voodoo trick of their own creation.
I, for one, knew exactly how to induce a hoover and could often make it happen within 2 – 24 hours of whatever little trick I used to do it. I referred to my process as “smoking him out” and it rarely failed as well. I dare say that I was as good at inducing a hoover as he was at hoovering non-induced. My “smoking-out” tactics would vary depending upon the emotion that was crippling me at the time. If I was pandering to my broken heart, missing him desperately and willing to forget the fact that he vanished without a word if he would just come back, my tactic might be nothing more than delivering a weepy letter (if I knew where he was living) either by friend or by mailman or by me, “cabbing” to his apartment in stealth mode, slipping it under his front door, and then ordering the driver to high-tail it out of there as if we had just robbed a bank. In stealth mode, I’d always take a cab and I expected all cab drivers – whoever they happened to be – to fully participate in the adventure!
The problem with inducing a hoover from a place of sadness, however, is that it didn’t always work. After all, what fun is it for a narcissist to return if there’s no drama involved in the homecoming?? In these instances, I could smoke him out by changing not only the tone of the letter (from weepy to pissed off) but the delivery location as well. As we all know, narcissists hate it when our behaviors threaten to “out” them to the world and therefore I knew that sending a letter to his work (but not addressed to him, know what I mean?) or directly to his mother’s house where I knew she’d get to it first would make his head explode. This tactic prompted instantaneous hoovers if for no other reason than to eliminate the chance of a second letter coming!
Yes, there were times where I was an absolute participant in the narcissist’s hoovering game. Guilty as charged. I was the narcissist’s puppet even when he wasn’t right beside me pulling the strings. He conditioned me to react to his hoover before it even happened! Crazy, I know, but then why did I do it and why do hundreds of other women and men just like me do it too? Why do/did we willfully participate when we know/knew that the feel-good rush never lasts…when we know that the relief from the separation anxiety is merely fleeting (at best) when compared to the painful aftermath of the next sucker punch? Considering that we know exactly what is going to happen next, our behavior makes no sense at all!
My point in all of this is that a narcissist is only as successful as our willingness to participate in his game. When we induce a hoover or wait for a hoover or cry into our pillow wishing it would happen, we enable the narcissist to be a successful narcissist (meaning that we enable him to be as evil as he can be). If we don’t do any of the above…if we ignore the hoover or, better yet, eliminate the possibility of hoovers by blocking him from every angle…if we get on with life and allow his hoover to fall on deaf ears, the narcissist can do nothing other than fall away of his own weight. He literally disappears into the nothingness that he is. It has always been within our power to make him/her powerless! To ignore a hoover or to make it impossible for the narcissist to hoover at all gives US exactly what we’ve always wanted – the last and final word. In other words, we finally get to have closure.
To recover from the pain of this type of relationship, we must avoid lingering connections to the culprit. A hoover, even before it happens, is a connection that we are very reluctant to let go of. Our participation is in the waiting, the hoping, and the wondering of when and if the hoover is going to come. It is our own anticipation of a hoover that allows the narcissist to continue to waste our precious time even while he’s gone. How fucking crazy is that, my friends???
Block the narcissist. Make it IMPOSSIBLE for him or her to contact you via social media, email, text, landline, or cell phone. Change you number if you have to. Once you’ve done this, then whip yourself up a cocktail or two, sit back, and enjoy the fact that you have NOTHING TO WAIT FOR, NOTHING TO WONDER ABOUT, NOTHING TO ANTICIPATE. Appreciate the silence and find your peace. If you are really serious about letting the narcissist go, it’s time to begin taking charge of your recovery. It’s time to relinquish your participation in the hoovering phenomenon. A narcissist can’t hurt you if he can’t hoover!
snowpeak
June 20, 2016 at 8:44 pmI love your blog. Yes to all this. I became even abusive trying to ‘lure’ him out. I went a year with 6 months of silence in between and when I contacted him, it was as if nothing had happened. Then silence. Then the ignoring and indifference and my ‘behaviors’ escalated. I always managed to draw him out or get him to block me. Sometimes, the later was on purpose because I knew it was all so futile a d it was MY only way to stop me. He didn’t love me, so nothing was going to change. But I always knew how to mess with him. So sad, too, because I also always told him exactly why I was doing things. Never once did he express an ounce of remorse or apology for his role. I think that this internet ‘cry’ for closure didnt help. Before I understood what was really goong on, I thought that is what I needed. I ddidn’t have any words otherwise to describe what had happened to me. So that was one thing I kept begging him for. I had nothing else to hold on to for how someonecould have been so cruel and heartless. So that was also my excuse for creating hoovers. It was the only tiny bit of power I felt. Isn’t it just all so sad? That I became such a puppet and didnt even get how and why because my frame of life reference never included this levelof reality thiugh I think my narc mother was where it all started.
The worst? He accused ME of always wanting war. Of never seeing how he was doing, say hello, etc. but just always provoking fights. It is mind boggling. The last time I reached out was on my brother’s death. True story. I felt I wanted to make peace with him as we are older. And I wanted to before he died so to speak. What a back fire that was. I was told he did me no wrong even though everything was a manipulation. I will never know what was ever true from his love bombing. Some stuff seems it was real, but when I look at the whole picture, it was all lies and fabrication. I was so hovered after 30 years. Nearly broke me and my life. This stuff is no joke.
Thanks for your site.
bnd
May 31, 2016 at 5:48 pmWhen with my N I would try to go NC, cut out texting, phone calls ect… the problem is the monkey dance, narcasist dont like being ignored… mine would immediatly retaliate by any means necesary; such as driving into your new car/some rediculous story of why it was your fault, fake sickness, pregnancies, push pull the kids until house would explode..
Jane
May 22, 2016 at 6:32 amIt’s almost impossible to remove a narccist. I’ve received the short texts ‘are you ignoring me?’ ….’I miss you’ ….’I don’t understand what happened’ …..’I’m sad’ …months after a rage and he moved on romantically.
Visits to my home under the pretext of returning shampoo & socks, none were mine.
Cards on my birthday, photos in the mail, accusations I’m playing games by ignoring me.
I have pointed out that he has a partner so all of this is inappropriate but he is deaf to logic.
I block him but he resorts to mail and visits. I have recovered my strength but fear him due to his angry tantrums. I am bland in my responses, logic is not understood which is so strange because he is intelligent.
Zari Ballard
May 23, 2016 at 4:30 amHi Jane,
If you’ve blocked him by phone, email, and social media, then start putting his letters back in the box marked “return to sender”. Is it happening every day? Every week? Or just on birthdays? I mean, he can’t be coming over all the time with shampoo and socks, right? If he’s really continually trying to stay in touch, tell his new girlfriend what’s going on or threaten to. That would make things a little complicated for him. If he knocks, don’t answer it and if he KEEPS coming by, get a restraining order so that he CAN’T. There ARE ways to keep him away although I agree they can be persistent when they are being ignored. If you do it long enough, you’ll piss him off and he’ll probably punish you by giving YOU the silent treatment.
If you’re truly scared of him, call the police. Most narcissists HATE to look bad or to be in trouble (especially with the law). It’s not a losing situation so you can’t just say “oh well”. Don’t give up. The truth is that he’s only doing this so that you can’t move on, not because he wants to come back or truly “misses” anything. You don’t say how long it has been since you broke up but the key is to NOT read the letters or notes, don’t answer the door, block his phone and everywhere else. There are ways…
Zari:)
Elizabeth1977
May 12, 2016 at 7:56 pmIve just stumbled here after trying to make sense of everything that has happened to me in the last 3 years. Ibe initiated the “no contact” rule once I was figured out I was a victim of a narcissist or sociopath, what have you. I am separated from my husband but we get along as we have a child.
I had been separated from my husband for a long while. He doesn’t live with me, yet he helps pay the mortgage for my house and contributes to his son. He is not a bad man, we just got married because we had gotten pregnant and our parents had pressured us. It wasn’t right for us.
Long story short, I met a man. Charming. We started off as friends and he was quite a smooth talker. However, I called him out on his somewhat cliche “flirting” and gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Why did I give him the benefit of the doubt? Well, he came from a cultural background I knew nothing about! He was Old Order Amish, had told me he had been excommunicated and that his Amish wife lived with her parents with two of their kids. He lived in his house with his oldest so. He had “three” kids”…. Lies.
He is a successful business man, owns three Amish companies and is very talented with his profession. He had a truck, drove, still dressed very Amish. Claimed he kept his beard because it was easier on his kids but would be shaving it soon.
For three years we did everything together. Travel, Adenture, great dates. He knew how to make me feel like a goddess! He was so cunning and smooth, that only in looking back on it, I can’t believe I did end up falling for some of what he said! He was a master at manipulating emotions. I believed everything he said hook, line, and sinker. Things became awkward when he claimed he couldn’t sleep over one night, then it became multiple nights. I never went to his house, his oldest son lived with him, and he felt it would be strange.
When I questioned him about suddenly not being able to sleep over, about 1.5 years into our relationship he claimed his “ex” was mad that he was seeing someone and that his son had told her he wasn’t at home much because he was dating an “English” girl and that caused an issue.
Okay, that’s valid. I can understand that: the Amish I have met are quite arrogant about being “better” than those outside their world, as in, us “English”.
2 years in things were getting weird, so I did what I told myself I wouldn’t do, I ran a background check on him and discovered he had four kids.
I questioned him on it and he did the most saddening heart wrenching pitty story ever. Basically to sum it up, much less emotionally and eloquently than he did (he was so fucking convincing). He was a monster who ruined his family and he had gotten into trouble living a double life and lost a lot of money at strip clubs etc. and he was afraid that he would never be able to start over with a past like his, and any woman would judge him for what he did to his kids and his wife. He even CRIED! Crocodile tears that were so authentic! OMG, I fell for his sob story AGAIN….hook, line, and sinker.
I can’t believe it. And yet, I did believe him. He spoke of “second chances” and how everyone deserves them and we could have a second chance together and be happy. Yep, he painted a really nice picture of being happily ever after and how he’s always be there for me. And he did bomb me constantly with “I love you’s” “I miss you” “You are amazing” etc., etc.,
So, after this round of my questioning things, we talked about how we should introduce our kids to each other and we planned a camping trip…. Which seemed to get pushed off! Ugh. But I still thought, well, if he is willing to get out kids together, then he must be serious.
Again, things began to not add up again. Mind you, he is also VERY religious, I figured it was due to his Amish background. And in my mind, I kind of used the idea of him being extremely religious as a band aide against the possibility that he would be so evil! He always gave me the sad story about how he never wanted to be Amish but had no way out. He only had an 8th grade education and his parents threatened to disown and shun him if he left the Amish, even before he chose baptism. He figured he’d be successful one day and save up enough money to leave. However, he married Amish and thought he had chosen a woman who would choose to leave with him when that time came! But she didn’t want to and she wanted to stay Amish.
Their bishop allowed them to separate (which I found out is becoming more of a thing in Amish culture, when dealing with excommunication, and few other issues). Divorce is forbidden in the Amish church, so if a spouse chooses divorce they can never come back to being Amish! The remaining spouse has to honor the marital law of the church and cannot remarry unless their divorced spouse died!
There is one case however where the Amish church did sanction a divorce for an Amish couple, neither was excommunicated, and both remain Amish. I’m not sure if they are allowed to remarry, but they are divorced and both are still Amish and in attendance at the same “church district”. I have met them and it’s an interesting situation and a very long story.
Anyway, my BF did a lot of charity work through his companies. He invited me to events but he made sure they coincided with other plans I had: as in he knew to ask because he knew I couldn’t. Once, for the hell of it, I said sure I can go, I canceled my other plans. He was excited, “yippie” so feigned. Three hours later he calls again saying that his youngest son was going to be there and he isn’t quite comfortable with his dad dating yet. Also some of his Amish relatives were going to be there and he thought it would be just too uncomfortable.
Hmmm, now I started digging up the fundraising organizations events and the ministry programs he does. Searches led me to flyers that mentioned “he and his wife and family would be providing the food for the event”
What?!
My blood was boiling!!!!!! I did more digging found pictures of him with his Amish family all over the FB pages of these events. Being Amish, obviously his family was not posing, they were just part of the crowd scene, but in a few he was sitting next to his wife with his arm around her and a NEW BABY ON HER LAP!!!!!! WTF!!!
So I found more info and learned that they had a sixth child (yes SIX) not four…. SIX!!!!!!! During the Summer of 2014…. Right smack in the middle of our relationship! Which coincided perfectly with him suddenly not being able to sleep over my place!!! That monster was waiting for number 6 to arrive.
I found out from mutual associates that he was ALWAYS married. That he has a long history of leading double lives. He has been in trouble with his church community before and has been excommunicated several times. The story about strippers was real! He had been in trouble for coke too! He had a driver who kept his car parked at his house, so his driver, would pick him up, and drive him out of Lancaster, to where his house was then he’d get in his truck and pay his driver to well to keep it quiet!
I began screen capturing everything I found online. Then, I sent it all to him. He never responded to that message and the images attached. I know he read it but he never once responded. He went into “silent mode”. Caught in his own game!
I cut him off cold turkey after that. It felt great. All was well for almost three weeks, then he began sending me emails. I ignored them, then it was FB messages, I and blocked him (yes, Amish people use the Internet and have FB through their businesses!) they are quite savvy with technology as long as it’s not in their house! All of the Amish I’ve met have smart phones, lap tops, solar chargers for these things, some even had Apple Watches and Fitbits! They get around trouble with the church because they have “kids” old enough (rumpsringer) and that they technically claim they bought that stuff for their “kids”.
He started leaving me messages on my phone, so I blocked him there! My saving grace, where personal contact is concerned, is that he is currently in trouble with his church again and was told that if he choosing permanent excommunication then he wouldn’t be able to attend his kids’ church singings and youth groups. LOL. So this Amish dirt bag is back to horse and buggy, no truck for him! Hahahaha
Thank god because I have a feeling he’d show up at my place begging me to forgive him. Not going to happen! I’m not talking to him! I laugh because this is a 40 year old man that has now stooped so low that he’s made fake profiles across social networks to attempt to friend me and spy on me 🙁 ugh!!!!
I was told that their fifth child was a late term miscarriage five years ago. His wife had found out about more of his double lives and had a nervous breakdown and lost a child late in the pregnancy! She has forgiven him so many times over. I feel so bad for her! She is part of a culture that doesn’t give her much recourse or help in her situation! It’s all about forgiveness and acceptance, and being subservient 🙁 I hope that she can stay strong. Poor thing! I’m so glad to be rid of him.
So, I guess it’s pretty obvious that narcissistic monsters exist across all cultures! Sadly.
Zari Ballard
May 14, 2016 at 2:59 amHi Elizabeth1977,
What an interesting story…and I had to laugh with you at this: So this Amish dirt bag is back to horse and buggy, no truck for him! Hahahaha Yes, narcissism spans all cultures. I know this because of my phone consultations and the fact that I speak with people all over the planet AND IT’S THE SAME STORY. Amazing. I am so glad that you are out of this and I appreciate that you sympathize with his wife. So do I. We have to because we know exactly what she’s going through. Maybe someday she too will find a way but you…you’re free and clear and I’m so happy for that. No truck for him!!! I love it!!!
Zari xo
Elizabeth1977
May 14, 2016 at 5:51 pmZari,
I’m mad myself for feeling so weak and unknowing in this relationship. Part of me feels like, had he not been Amish, I would have been a whole lot less sympathetic :/ He really was a Prince Charming too. The more I read up on narcissism the more I’m seeing what he is. He loved seeing how much he could get away with.
His children are innocent in all of this and they don’t deserve the unhealthy marriage their parents have 🙁 and yes, I feel horrible for his wife. She can’t leave 🙁 unless she is willing to walk away from being Amish.
I did go to my doctors and have a full physical and Pap smear after I found out about his past and the fact he was still actually with his wife and me, and from the looks of his FB account…. A bunch of others. Thank god results were good. But I was so disgusted and grossed out.
Knowing what I know about the Amish now, I’ll never look at them the same again :/ I’m not judging them all as like him, it’s just the whole romanticized idea of the Amish being plain and peaceful and godly just isn’t true. There is no pedestal for them, they are humans and just like the rest of us with the same problems :/
Zari Ballard
May 29, 2016 at 4:27 pmHi Elizabeth1977,
It only goes to show that nothing in this world is at it appears AND NO DESERVES A PEDESTAL. But having said that, how could we possibly know? It’s normal – and human – to assume that the person we love or are attracted to is telling us the truth. What good does it do to blame yourself over something you could not possibly have known? Blame is completely counter-productive. I’m waving my magic wand and hereby declare you BLAME FREE!
Zari xo
Amy
May 10, 2016 at 12:44 pmWe lived together for 5 months before an ugly breakup. Argued back and forth for a couple weeks till i went into nc. Is it hoovering to contact me after 2 weeks of nc and start texting me and send pictures for a week then just stop responding?
Zari Ballard
May 14, 2016 at 2:37 amHi Amy,
Yes, it’s hoovering alright and the abrupt stop is all part of it. You need to BLOCK him so that he can’t text you and send pictures even if he wants to. Blocking at all avenues (to the best of your ability) is the key to No Contact.
Zari xo
Amy
August 10, 2016 at 8:29 amThanks I just saw this reply months later after stupidly getting back with him letting him take me on a vacation and was planning to move back home to him. Then found out his lame ass was active on dating sites. I confronted him and poof lol. Haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks. Imagine that. I think he’ll stay gone this time though.
Jenmy
June 25, 2016 at 2:07 amLike a fragile vase that had been dropped,
I was shattered in pieces when I met you.
You were a bit broken yourself, and between the two of us,
I romanticized the illusion that our broken pieces could come together
so we could each be whole again.
But your pieces hurt; they cut me with your sharpness, broken dates, unanswered calls, “forgetting” to call, and at the end, utterly failing to acknowledge my entire existence. Your pieces sliced into my already troubled heart and damaged Spirit.
For a moment, I had had dreams, hope, and faith in romantic love and companionship.
My damaged insides had begun to heal with your protective touch and empty promises.
Every sense flooded me with emotion I have never before felt:
My eyes looked so deeply into those vulnerable and loving blue eyes of yours, as I felt our truths were expressed within a mere glance at each other.
When you were so ill and vulnerable, you trusted me to be there and I was privileged to watch you sleep. I studied every contour of your peaceful beautiful face as you slept, all the while you were subconsciously playing with my hair, along with grabbing my hand to place in yours during those few dark and beautiful nights in which you let me in.
Your smell was the perfect mixture of masculinity and tenderness. It moved parts of my mind and body that I did not know existed.
Your voice whispered the most beautiful words I have ever heard. Hearing those words transcended all doubt that you loved me and that I would be safe in giving you the honor of protecting my heart.
Whether those words were lies or half truths, I know now I misunderstood the most important part of it all. Words can be said to make me fall in love, but without action behind them, they are meaningless platitudes.
With regard to touch, I can say that your hugs and affection created in me feelings of infinite safety and security that required no words, nor any weapons. You could protect my gentle heart with just your embrace.
The loving touch in intimate moments is far too painful to think about.
Finally, the literal taste of your lips and kisses on the skin will forever remain in the crevices of my memory and how I long for another delicious taste…
and then there is the hardest of all to admit…
I experienced a figurative taste of what happiness and love felt like. In retrospecT, I was so much better off not knowing true love and just bopping along ignorant and unaware that feelings so strong do exist. The short lived taste of perfection will fuck me up for years. There is now a part of my soul that knows it can experience a beautiful, respectful, stimulating, trusting, passionate and loving relationship. Now that I have a taste for it, how will anything else ever be good enough?
fuck; how was I so wrong and gullible? My inner bullshit detector failed across the board.
When I gave up fighting the losing battle to put us perfectly together, I focused on putting my own pieces back together as one.
The problem with that is that I’m missing the pieces that represent my heart, hopes, and faith in man. You took those pieces of me and mangled them so badly, I will need time to make new ones on my own. For my heart, soul, hopes and trust have been so altered that they don’t fit in me, or that damned vase, anymore.
Go ahead and keep them; I need to make new ones on my own this time.
In the meantime, don’t touch the parts that did remain intact. I was able to retain a little self dignity and compassion for others. No matter how much I want to give everything to you to fix, my head knows that my remaining good pieces will be further damaged and cut by your illusory “support”.
So keep the broken crap: yours and mine.
I will remake my self, but this time with a stronger foundation, unbreakable walls and protective outside layers so that my precious inside pieces will not be subjected to harm again, nor will I be hurt by anyone’s bullshit. And bullshit you are, despite the pretty package.
Thank you for the lesson. I just wonder how you faked it so perfectly. I guess we are both just pathetic stereotypes of ourselves.
Love always, anonymous.
Jamerican
March 23, 2016 at 3:14 pmThank you for this!! I only dated him for 5 months and a month ago we met up in South Carolina for a show… He has a management business so that hides the fact that he is using women! The day we were to leave and go our separate ways I was invited to have lunch together and he said no he’ll talk to me later and decline. Since then he was distant and then started giving me the silent treatment but if I said I was leaving he would say “I’ll call you later” to make me wait or stay and would call then silent treatment again! We’re long distance and my calls began to become unanswered and video messages were declined. Low and behold a week ago I got online and boom this idiot is a narcissist! I knew something was wrong!! He’s been trying to get money out of me and I wouldn’t budge! I was beating myself up over the silent treatment all this time! What finally did it for me was that weekend we spent together he left the lunch to go see another woman the night after we Spent together!!! He met someone right under my nose. That proves why he became distant he found another victim he could manipulate because I would not feed into his antics. Today is day one of no contact. I’ve deleted video chat and blocked his number. I left social media open only for a few days to watch what he will do and if nothing is alarming I shall block there too soon: I feel so sorry for the other women who has no clue! Thank god his mask fell off. And I thought I would be crying and sad!!!! No honey because I realize I was begging like I did something wrong until the girl I bonded with for the event that weekend told me what went down! She saved me heartache. I am so breathing great right now. I told him never to contact me again and I know who he was and blocked blocked blocked … Good rithens!!!
Zari Ballard
April 30, 2016 at 1:56 amHi Jamerican!
So sorry it has taken me sooooo long to respond and to moderate your post. It has been a month since your post and I hope all is well and you are still feeling strong and NOT SAD and that he is still blocked. Let me know and keep that good feeling going:) He’s nothing but a piece of shit and you deserve to be happy!
Zari xo
Enlightened
March 2, 2016 at 2:22 pmN hoovered for the first time today since discard almost three weeks ago. I have initiated NC as best as I can but we work together. I love my job and I do not want to give it up. He has taken enough from me. I don’t want him to have the satisfaction of taking that too.
Hoover was via text and seemed innocent enough, but after doing extensive research the last couple weeks on NPD, I knew exactly what to expect. I didn’t want to completely ignore him because we do work together and I don’t want it to affect my job. I gave very short one word answers but when he started playing the victim and being aggressive and trying to make me feel guilty- I stopped responding.
Just wondering if you have any advice about working with and ex who is an N. Seems like I need a modified version of NC. Possibly the gray rock method? Just feel like I’m walking a fine line because I am trying to somewhat keep the peace, avoid tantrums, blackmail, etc.
Zari Ballard
March 3, 2016 at 12:12 pmHi Enlightened,
Well, since leaving the job isn’t an option (although you can always maybe someday try for a BETTER one), then the gray rock method is best. If you can’t be separated physically, then you have to find a way to mentally separate. No matter how much I loved my job, it just wouldn’t be worth it to me to be around the ex-narcissist. These aren’t normal people and therefore these aren’t normal break-ups. He will hoover until the end of time…why? Because, for an N, the game just never gets old. If you can still move on and see him every day, more power to you. Yes, Gray(est) Rock Method is best!
Best of luck, sister!
Zari:)
Enlightened
March 3, 2016 at 2:47 pmZari,
Thank you so much for your response. Your words have been so helpful to me through all of this.
I was panicked yesterday when I wrote and just looking for some advice because of the shock of the first hoover, so I didn’t disclose my full story. To be honest, I am also extremely ashamed an embarrassed. You see, not only do I work with the N but he is married and so am I. I would have never thought in a million years that I would ever be unfaithful. I still honestly don’t know how it happened. I just became completely consumed with this creature who I thought to be my soulmate, one true love, the absolute love of my life. And that is the hardest part- even though I feel like I am going to be able to save my marriage, I still feel like N (his fake image, not the real him) was the love of my life. I have never felt a connection so deep with another person in my entire life. And on every single level.
You once wrote that married Ns are quite possibly some of the worst and I couldn’t agree more. My N was absolutely gifted at lying and manipulation on every level. When we met I made it clear that I would never leave my husband and child. My N used that against me constantly. He has children also and that is the reason he claimed he stayed with his wife. He was VERY heavy on the idolize phase and was so smooth I’m not even sure when the devaluing actually started. See, he had me believing that he was so absolutely head over heels, madly and desperately in love with me that he just didn’t know what to do with himself. Anytime he was mean, immature, insensitive, distant or giving me the silent treatment I always let him get away with it because it just proved how desperately he wanted to be with me. It was all my fault because I wouldn’t leave my family. It was all my fault that we would never be together. All he wanted was me forever and he knew he would never have me. Now, if that isn’t master manipulation at its finest I don’t know what is. I mean can you believe what an absolute mind F**K this was?? And I did want to be with him, more than anything. Looking back now I realize it is because of the constant push/pull love addiction spell he had me under. But the feeling I had when I was with him, when things were good is truly the best I have ever felt in my entire life. I loved who I THOUGHT he was, and to be honest I think I always will. Sad I know. And to make things even more pathetic and ridiculous, he is an alcoholic. I know it’s crazy- being desperately in love with an alcoholic N. Pathetic 🙁
He used his drinking to control/validate as well. He knew how much I worried about him and I would beg him to stop. He let me know that I was the reason he drank. It was all just too much, the pain of not being with me. Wow he really loves me I would say to myself, no one has ever felt this strongly about me before. There was a time when I had to start distancing myself from him. I was ready to end it and he must have sensed it. He became a complete monster. Saying I had lied and led him on, I had completely ruined his life. I wouldn’t leave my husband for him and I was telling him I loved him only to go home to be with another man. I realize now that a lot of projecting was going on. Not sure if that is when he found his new supply (maybe one of many, who knows). All I know is that he was accusing me of things that I had never been accused of in my entire life and I hated it. I tried desperately to make him realize how much I loved him and I that I would love him forever, unconditionally. Things got better after that for a little while, as they always do, then he dropped the bomb. He had stopped drinking and he was so clear and level headed and reminded me so much of when we first met. He was very serious about his sobriety and I was his number one cheerleader. Supporting him when he needed it and allowing him all the space and time he needed to work through everything and focus on himself. I was a Ns dream come true! He knew he never had to commit to me and he could get away with absolute murder because he had conditioned me to not only accept but also expect his behavior. I don’t know what happened inside me, maybe I had finally had enough of the roller coaster, deceiving my husband, living without my true love, that I decided I wanted to be with him. I was ready to leave my marriage. Now, looking back I think I knew deep down that I could never really do that, and also that N would never really do it, but each and everyday I felt like I was losing more of my mind, more of him and more of who I was. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I called his bluff. His initial reaction was the relieved, ecstatic one that I had always imagined and hoped for. It was very stoic and reserved. He assured me he did want to be with me but how could we really do it? He couldn’t leave his kids. This is the same person who not two weeks before had said he would do anything for me (that was his favorite and most used line by the way). I once told him we couldn’t be together because we couldn’t leave our kids, because his kids needed him and his response was ‘but I need you’. Ugh. So he had obviously changed his mind but still wanted to keep me on the hook. He said he wanted to get through his first ninety days and I agreed that would be good for both of us. I have him space. MORE SPACE. All the while remaining loving and supporting and encouraging in every way. I even kept up with what day of sobriety he was on to be able to congratulate him at milestones. Well, he just stopped communicating. All of a sudden for no reason at all, as they so often do. I texted and asked him to at least tell me why he wasn’t talking to me and he replied ‘nothing to say’. Wow. So I unfortunately said I hoped he would change his mind because I missed talking to him. Two days later I started googling and cracked the code. I felt so much relief and so much heart crushing pain all at the same time. How could it all have been a lie? All of it? Everything? But it was. It was all so dramatic and beautiful, painful and passionate and romantic. It was magic. But it wasn’t real. And that still hurts me to my core. My feelings for him were so real and they always will be. I realize HE was never real and it hurts and I’m still trying to accept it. I have been doing a good job. Until the first hoover text came yesterday and he tried to make me feel guilty for not being supportive. After a three week silent treatment? Really? So glad I see through the bullshit now. I didn’t respond to the last text and I know that must’ve made an impact because it is so the opposite of any past behavior he grew to expect from me. I really don’t want to leave my job but I’m not sure if I will be able to stay here long term. Just the anticipation of seeing him, trying to avoid eye contact, wondering if a hoover is coming- it’s a lot to deal with. I honestly feel nothing when I see him though- let me be clear about that. He is merely a shell, a body. My only reason for avoiding eye contact is to make sure he realizes he no longer has power over me. I do not feel emotional or intimidated at all. You always say to trust your gut, and my gut is telling me that he knows I’m done. That I called his bluff and he has nothing to hide behind anymore. I think the text yesterday was just a test to see if I was still here, desperately waiting for him and loving him unconditionally. I think I made it pretty clear I’m not. But in the end, it may be best for me to leave.
I hate the fact that he has pictures of me, yes ‘those’ kind. I hate he had countless emails of me pouring my heart out to him, asking for forgiveness for things I didn’t even do, begging him to let me love him. It makes me sick. I would also hate to think that he would ever try to use those against me or blackmail me in some way. I have WAY more dirt on him. Enough to bury him personally and professionally and he knows it. Hopefully knowing that and the fear of being exposed for the fraud he really is will deter him from antagonizing me. Is that just wishful thinking?
I appreciate your input and I am taking your advise about looking for a new job to heart. I appreciate you more than you know. You are a kind spirit and I feel blessed to be able to connect with you.
Thank you so much! xx
Zari Ballard
March 20, 2016 at 9:09 pmHi Enlightened,
My God, I am so late in getting back to you – anything could have happened:( I hope you are still doing well (as can be expected) and thank you so much for sharing your story. Yes, a married narcissist is the worst of the worst and ESPECIALLY if the other partner is married as well. He will use that against you until the end of time…YOUR marriage. I see it all the time and I have consultations with so many in that same situation. Married narcs are so slick and so very manipulative…it’s as if only YOU are the guilty party and it would be oh so different if just YOU left your partner, then all would be well. Sooooo many women have done just that only to be discarded INSTANTLY. So very crippling and so very INTENTIONAL. Thank God you did not get that far. Something – that little voice I always speak of – was talking to you loud and clear.
That being said, it has been over two weeks since your post and I am wondering how you are. If you feel like it, shoot me an update. Stay strong and, yes, the job is an issue. Even the strongest most confident woman in the world would have a hard time with that one day in and day out. If you feel nothing, more power to you and maybe you should stick it out to prove to him that he is nothing more to you than the piece of shit that he ultimately proved himself to be. Then again, you don’t have to prove ANYTHING. Get a better job and say by-by!! Do it all!! LOLOL I wish you nothing but the best.
Be safe and stay focused. Sorry again for the delay and I’ll be quicker the next time:)
Zari xo
Enlightened
March 6, 2016 at 4:58 amZari,
Thank you so much for your response. Your words have been so helpful to me through all of this.
I was panicked yesterday when I wrote and just looking for some advice because of the shock of the first hoover, so I didn’t disclose my full story. To be honest, I am also extremely ashamed an embarrassed. You see, not only do I work with the N but he is married and so am I. I would have never thought in a million years that I would ever be unfaithful. I still honestly don’t know how it happened. I just became completely consumed with this creature who I thought to be my soulmate, one true love, the absolute love of my life. And that is the hardest part- even though I feel like I am going to be able to save my marriage, I still feel like N (his fake image, not the real him) was the love of my life. I have never felt a connection so deep with another person in my entire life. And on every single level.
You once wrote that married Ns are quite possibly some of the worst and I couldn’t agree more. My N was absolutely gifted at lying and manipulation on every level. When we met I made it clear that I would never leave my husband and child. My N used that against me constantly. He has children also and that is the reason he claimed he stayed with his wife. He was VERY heavy on the idolize phase and was so smooth I’m not even sure when the devaluing actually started. See, he had me believing that he was so absolutely head over heels, madly and desperately in love with me that he just didn’t know what to do with himself. Anytime he was mean, immature, insensitive, distant or giving me the silent treatment I always let him get away with it because it just proved how desperately he wanted to be with me. It was all my fault because I wouldn’t leave my family. It was all my fault that we would never be together. All he wanted was me forever and he knew he would never have me. Now, if that isn’t master manipulation at its finest I don’t know what is. I mean can you believe what an absolute mind F**K this was?? And I did want to be with him, more than anything. Looking back now I realize it is because of the constant push/pull love addiction spell he had me under. But the feeling I had when I was with him, when things were good is truly the best I have ever felt in my entire life. I loved who I THOUGHT he was, and to be honest I think I always will. Sad I know. And to make things even more pathetic and ridiculous, he is an alcoholic. I know it’s crazy- being desperately in love with an alcoholic N. Pathetic 🙁
He used his drinking to control/validate as well. He knew how much I worried about him and I would beg him to stop. He let me know that I was the reason he drank. It was all just too much, the pain of not being with me. Wow he really loves me I would say to myself, no one has ever felt this strongly about me before. There was a time when I had to start distancing myself from him. I was ready to end it and he must have sensed it. He became a complete monster. Saying I had lied and led him on, I had completely ruined his life. I wouldn’t leave my husband for him and I was telling him I loved him only to go home to be with another man. I realize now that a lot of projecting was going on. Not sure if that is when he found his new supply (maybe one of many, who knows). All I know is that he was accusing me of things that I had never been accused of in my entire life and I hated it. I tried desperately to make him realize how much I loved him and I that I would love him forever, unconditionally. Things got better after that for a little while, as they always do, then he dropped the bomb. He had stopped drinking and he was so clear and level headed and reminded me so much of when we first met. He was very serious about his sobriety and I was his number one cheerleader. Supporting him when he needed it and allowing him all the space and time he needed to work through everything and focus on himself. I was a Ns dream come true! He knew he never had to commit to me and he could get away with absolute murder because he had conditioned me to not only accept but also expect his behavior. I don’t know what happened inside me, maybe I had finally had enough of the roller coaster, deceiving my husband, living without my true love, that I decided I wanted to be with him. I was ready to leave my marriage. Now, looking back I think I knew deep down that I could never really do that, and also that N would never really do it, but each and everyday I felt like I was losing more of my mind, more of him and more of who I was. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I called his bluff. His initial reaction was not the relieved, ecstatic one that I had always imagined and hoped for. It was very stoic and reserved. He assured me he did want to be with me but how could we really do it? He couldn’t leave his kids. This is the same person who not two weeks before had said he would do anything for me (that was his favorite and most used line by the way). I once told him we couldn’t be together because we couldn’t leave our kids, because his kids needed him and his response was ‘but I need you’. Ugh. So he had obviously changed his mind but still wanted to keep me on the hook. He said he wanted to get through his first ninety days and I agreed that would be good for both of us. I have him space. MORE SPACE. All the while remaining loving and supporting and encouraging in every way. I even kept up with what day of sobriety he was on to be able to congratulate him at milestones. Well, he just stopped communicating. All of a sudden for no reason at all, as they so often do. I texted and asked him to at least tell me why he wasn’t talking to me and he replied ‘nothing to say’. Wow. So I unfortunately said I hoped he would change his mind because I missed talking to him. Two days later I started googling and cracked the code. I felt so much relief and so much heart crushing pain all at the same time. How could it all have been a lie? All of it? Everything? But it was. It was all so dramatic and beautiful, painful and passionate and romantic. It was magic. But it wasn’t real. And that still hurts me to my core. My feelings for him were so real and they always will be. I realize HE was never real and it hurts and I’m still trying to accept it. I have been doing a good job. Until the first hoover text came yesterday and he tried to make me feel guilty for not being supportive. After a three week silent treatment? Really? So glad I see through the bullshit now. I didn’t respond to the last text and I know that must’ve made an impact because it is so the opposite of any past behavior he grew to expect from me. I really don’t want to leave my job but I’m not sure if I will be able to stay here long term. Just the anticipation of seeing him, trying to avoid eye contact, wondering if a hoover is coming- it’s a lot to deal with. I honestly feel nothing when I see him though- let me be clear about that. He is merely a shell, a body. My only reason for avoiding eye contact is to make sure he realizes he no longer has power over me. I do not feel emotional or intimidated at all. You always say to trust your gut, and my gut is telling me that he knows I’m done. That I called his bluff and he has nothing to hide behind anymore. I think the text yesterday was just a test to see if I was still here, desperately waiting for him and loving him unconditionally. I think I made it pretty clear I’m not. But in the end, it may be best for me to leave.
I hate the fact that he has pictures of me, yes ‘those’ kind. I hate he had countless emails of me pouring my heart out to him, asking for forgiveness for things I didn’t even do, begging him to let me love him. It makes me sick. I would also hate to think that he would ever try to use those against me or blackmail me in some way. I have WAY more dirt on him. Enough to bury him personally and professionally and he knows it. Hopefully knowing that and the fear of being exposed for the fraud he really is will deter him from antagonizing me. Is that just wishful thinking?
I appreciate your input and I am taking your advise about looking for a new job to heart. I appreciate you more than you know. You are a kind spirit and I feel blessed to be able to connect with you.
Thank you so much! xx