Narcissistic hoovering so often becomes our epic downfall after a break-up with an N simply because we allow it so easily to lure us back to the abyss. It is this hoovering – this preferred narcissistic tactic of our toxic insignificant other – that invariably sucks us in for another no-win round of cat and mouse time after time after time. It is the hoovering that gets the best of us – more often than not – and makes it nearly impossible for us to put an end to the narcissistic nonsense.
Why do narcissist’s hoover and why does it appear to have such a hypnotic effect on the broken-hearted? I mean, how can this be considering that he who hoovers is, without a doubt, the perpetrator of the original crime? Why do the victims of a narcissist not only expect to be hoovered but will even wait for it, hope for it, and even beg for it at some point in the relationship? Because there are always a slew of questions about the hoovering maneuver in the wonderful emails I receive from website visitors and from readers of my book, I thought the time was right to create the following Hoovering Q & A:
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What exactly is hoovering?
Hoovering is an “action” that describes how a narcissist tries to weasel his way back into your life after a break-up or after he’s vanished for a period of time (i.e. a silent treatment). A “hoover” is the tactic he uses to do it.
What are hoovering tactics?
Hoovering tactics, which come in many forms (text message, email, letter or card, by proxy via someone else, phone call/voice mail, etc.), are always deliberately subtle at first in order to hide the deception behind it. How the hoovers continue is based upon your response to the first few. Also, because each relationship is unique and your narcissist has created a mental list of all the special things he can use to tug at your heart strings or pull on your conscience, he or she will combine/include what he knows about you with his hoovering methods.
So, for example, text message hoovering tactics out-of-the-blue after a silent treatment could involve:
- text messages pretending to be oh-so-sweet: “Hi. How are u? Are u ok?” or “R u there?” or “Hey, it’s me:(“
- text messages on special occasions: “Its my b’day. Really miss u being here” or “Happy b’day. Wish I was there”
- text messages about the kids (especially if they’re not his): “Hi. I was thinking about Joey today. Is he ok?” or “I know u hate me but wanna wish Suzie a Happy 8th b’day”
- text messages about a convenient upcoming event: “Foo Fighters r coming. Wanna go? Couldn’t go w/o u”” or “R u going to Maggie’s wedding?”
- text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before (one of my ex’s favorites): “Hey, I was thinking, wanna go bowl a few strings?” or “Hey wud u like to go for a drink?”
- text messages about bogus family illnesses (including his own) (another of my ex’s favorites): “My mom had a stroke. need to talk to u” or “I don’t no, think I might have cancer. Can I c u?”
- text messages about sex: “Don’t u miss us being together?”
- text messages that attempt to flip the hoover back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did u just drive by?”
- text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response (my ex’s all time favorite and it usually worked): “I know what u did” or “U better tell ur boyfriend to stop calling me” or “I know u hacked into my fone” or ” or “I’ve moved on. Why r u bugging me?”
All of the above can be swapped for use in emails, letters, notes taped to cars, voice mails…you get the idea. The point is..it’s all a crock of shit to get a response from you so that communication is initiated and he can worm his way back into your life.
Why does a narcissist begin to hoover?
A narcissist hoovers for a few different reasons (none of them good, by the way) but the main one is to keep you from ever moving on from the pain that he caused you. Successful hoovering (i.e. you responding) keeps you in the queue with all of the narcissist’s other victims (and there are always others) and this, in turn, ensures that he will never run out of narcissistic supply.
What has happened to the narcissist for him to start the hoovering?
A narcissist only hoovers because things aren’t going his way wherever he’s at – and that’s the only reason. So, if the narcissist in your life starts hoovering suddenly after a long (or brief) absence, it’s because 1) he’s had enough fun with whoever he left you for, 2) his current fling did something he didn’t like and he’s getting ready to blow her off, 3) his current fling is getting too close to finding out about you or others and he knows the end is near anyway, or 4) he’s in need of something you’ve got (i.e. money, transportation, sex, etc.)
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What will happen if I fall for his hoovering tactics?
He will expect the relationship to pick up where it left off with no repercussions from you and the next time he leaves (and he will leave again) he’ll make sure it’s more painful for you than the time before. Nothing good ever comes from falling for a hoover.
And it only takes one (1) response from you for the hoover to be successful. If you notice, a narcissist will often hoover with a text or email or phone call that gives you hope and then, as soon as you respond in kind, he disappears. That’s his way of just checking on your status in his queue of victims – and then he goes back to whatever or whoever he was doing.
Is it ever possible that the narcissist really misses me and feels bad about what he did?
No. A narcissist has no conscience and, although he knows the difference between right and wrong, he doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t miss you or love you or miss the kids or have nostalgic thoughts (not like we do anyway) or feel sorry for what he did or for hurting you. Nope, it’s none of that. He might be missing the sex but that will only be temporary because after you’ve let him back in, he will eventually leave again to go back to wherever he was because he now misses that sex.
Well, I hope the above clarifies the hoovering method of the narcissist a little. As always, no contact is the only way to rid yourself of the narcissist. The more we understand the reasoning behind each and every hoover and that it’s all a big crock of shit, the better our chances of recognizing and ignoring future hoovers.
Yeny
August 23, 2016 at 3:39 amI couldnt tell whether my ex was a narc or not but considering his behaviours full of lies im pretty sure he is. He left me a year ago after almost five years together. He started “seeing” someone two months after our split according to what he said but nothing serious. He started to hoover me after one month after the break up. His words were that he missed me, loved me and that i was the best person in his life. I thought he loved me but he didnt have any intention of working things out so he expressed it and i stopped contact. One month had passed and here we go again, same story, same rejection. He has been doing the same for a whole year and me stupidly thinking he was sincere. Last time he hoovered me he said he didnt want me to be with anybody. He didnt even want to think about that. I stopped contact with him because he told me he was still with that girl, that he liked her, but nothing serious because he wanted to be single. LIE!! Last sunday i saw a post he made on twitter in which he clearly said he was dating this girl and they were in love. They are a couple. He posted this on the same day he was telling me he didnt want to see me with anyone and that he was sure if i did it i would miss him as much as he misses me. Btw, i forgot to delete him from that account and im sure he thinks i dont use it either thats why he posted it. Last time we talked he said he would never call me again. I changed my number so i can be sure he wont. What should i expect?
Zari Ballard
September 5, 2016 at 6:28 pmHi Yeny,
Good for you for changing your number. Stick with no contact. This narc is a complete asshole and this is a game for them that never gets old. You can only do what you can do, girl. With the number changed, it will be harder for him to hoover and, honestly, narcs are just not that motivated to go out of their way (unless they are desperate). Stay away from all that social media shit and enjoy your FREEDOM. You did the right thing.
Zari xo
Tania
July 29, 2016 at 7:29 amHi I was with a narc for nearly seven years and a year after we broke up he has started hoovering me, I remembered that I had a strange number he had on his phone so I text to see if they were in a relationship with him and they were for a year which is exactly when we split up!!!! He had been texting me to say he had changed and telling me to listen to songs made me feel ill I don’t know if I did the right thing but she asked me to forward the messages I expected a backlash from him but nothing!! I suppose he was found out big time I just feel so sorry for his new supply 🙁
Zari Ballard
August 8, 2016 at 1:45 pmHi Tania,
Unfortunately, he somehow talked his way out of all those messages or she found a way to justify them in her own mind. At least she has the bug in her ear now. I hope you have him BLOCKED so that he can’t contact you ever again. It’s the only way to move on. Stay strong…
Zari:)
Sarah
June 28, 2016 at 12:44 pmHi Zari
I just want to thank you for this fantastic blog. I’ve just broken up with a Narc but didn’t really realise that’s what he was until reading this!
I keep coming back to it whenever I start feeling that sense of loss and despair, and it makes me smile when I’m reminded that I’m actually losing NOTHING and instead I’m escaping a total a**hole.
Unfortunately we are still living in the same house temporarily but the NC will begin in earnest as soon as I move out.
You’re helping me through this in a big way.
Sarah x
Zari Ballard
June 28, 2016 at 4:43 pmHi Sarah,
Thank you for reading at my blog and I’m grateful to help in any way that I can:) I hope you’re able to make an escape soon now that you know that this shit is UN-FIXABLE! LOL I’m rooting for ya!
Zari xo
Karen
June 13, 2016 at 8:52 amI think my exN hoovered from the start. He put me in a social media profile spot of his that states “we ran out of time” , “we had good times and bad times, our closest friends know about this, no need for specifics” “she will always have part of my heart” Funny thing about this is that his current supply seems to be ok with this as I know she sees it regularly. I have been no contact for over a month now, but I know that his reason for having that blurb about me is to get me to contact him or to use as a way to contact me eventually. I see it for what it is, I feel sorry for her because she hasn’t seen the real him yet. It should be a huge red flag to her that he continues to have something so obvious about an ex. He’s blocked in every possible way and I only found out about it through a mutual friend. The more I read, the more alarmed I get as I put the pieces together…ugh
Betty
June 10, 2016 at 1:33 pmHi there I don’t even know where to start my N left me 3 months ago and it’s been pure hell. He has put me on block and when he does say something to me it’s to make me feel guilty. Example it’s not a good time to come and see u I’m losing everything I can’t pay any thing. And then when I message back it’s TTYL I have to go back to work at least I got a job. Then I am put on block again. Can someone tell me y they do that? I have been going through this I love u and then he up and leaves thing for 14 years or more is this a hoover technique or am I just wasting time I don’t eat I don’t sleep I’m going crazy I don’t even know if he is a true narc can someone please help me
Zari Ballard
June 21, 2016 at 1:29 amHi Betty,
Look, the fact that you’re here at my blog tells me that you already know the answer to whether he’s a narc or not. And if you want to know why he does what he does, download my book When Love Is a Lie from Amazon because it will explain it all OR just read through all 75 articles on this blog AND all the comments underneath. Go to the Category drop down in the sidebar and dive in. All the information you need is right here.
Zari:)
Brenda
May 25, 2016 at 4:09 pmBeen 6yrs.never going back this time. Every arguement is to bring up the past before we met and afterwards. So arguments contain same subjects for 6 years. Had enough! I’m 69, he’s 75. We both are young at our age.
Zari Ballard
May 29, 2016 at 1:39 amOMG…good for you Brenda! You’re an inspiration for all of us here and I have no doubt you are young for your age. 60 IS the new 50, after all. I spoke with a woman who’s narc was in his 80’s and still giving her the silent treatment. Like I always say, for these creatures. time stands still and the game just never gets old.
Thanks for writing and come back often to share…I always appreciate it!
Zari xo
Sarah
May 23, 2016 at 10:26 amHi there,
Just a little advice please, I think my ex is a narcissist, it has been two months since he finished the relationship and I have been reading up a bit on it. I am still not certain if he is, however before I realised he might be I went NC for my own sanity, there has been a few occasions where he text me about his mail about a month ago and I said I would redirect to him if he sent me his address, he didn’t send address but continued to text me the next week about the mail, I rose to the bait and fired off something not so nice as I was really trying to stay NC. This felt wrong and that this was what he was aiming for. He then posted a picture on FB of him and a new women that he met a week after we split… Again I rose to the bait and actually rang him, in a state of tears. Needless to say he was very cold, and had no qualms about telling me that he had made a connection with this other person, it all seemed he was doing it and saying to make me hurt. Which it blooming well did! but at the same time when talking to me putting words in there like darling….
Anyway sorry this is long, I just find it confusing, the upshot was that I did send him a rant (not very nice I know) about what I thought about his behaviour.. And although that probably justified for him that I am a loony! But I thought hell with it all I did was try and support, understand and love him and never do or say anything nasty, and I felt like well that’s the last straw he’s definitely gone I have nothing to lose.
1 month later…This past Saturday morning at 3am I had a missed call from him, I totally ignored it and didn’t contact him back. I then had emails yesterday morning him asking when he can collect his post (I had decided any post would be returned to sender which I have been doing as I don’t have his address) I emailed polite explaining this, he then sent another asking when I would be paying my part of the loan for a car we got together, he knows I cannot afford it at the moment because I am left paying the rent on the flat we shared. So I nicely explained this again, then a further email from him accusing me of throwing his post away. It was clearly an attempt to push my buttons and I just said no I haven’t done that and told him enough emails now. I then received another email saying can I see you later for a chat! This totally threw me I was not expecting that. i replied what do you want to talk about. Assured him that I will not throw his post away and that I will pay the loan and that I am trying to just get on. His reply was I just wanted to see you don’t worry….
This sounds a lot like the hoovering thing, but now I can’t stop thinking about him and thinking have I done the right thing. 60% knows I have, but the other 40 is playing on my mind! And I am thinking perhaps it isn’t hoovering….
Some much needed advice please
Thank you
Sarah
Zari Ballard
May 30, 2016 at 3:21 amHi Sarah,
Oh dear…a week has passed since your post and anything could have happened. Of course, it was a hoover. A big one, as a matter of fact. Please tell me you didn’t fall for the bait. LOL Please write with an update so it can get bumped to the top and I can better respond. I hope you’re okay!
Zari xo
Simone Wisenthal
September 27, 2016 at 10:16 amSarah (as all those in Sarah’s situation), No Contact (NC) is there for YOUR sanity and protection. It is a time for healing and objective distance, and is useful in non-abusive relationships just to make yourself stronger until you run into your ex again.
But for breakups with a narcissist, NC is your new way of life.
This is because narcissists are emotional vampires who need Supply in order to exist. If you embargo their supply, not only do you get much needed time to heal, but it forces your narc to move on down his contact list to find the next potential victim to hoover, leaving you alone.
Your email shows so painfully what heartache awaits those who do not go No Contact but gladly rise to the bait every time your narc needs a fix.