Mentally letting go of the narcissist is never going to happen as fast as we’d like unless we starting taking credit for recovery time served. If we did that…if we realized that there are phases to the suffering post-break-up with a narcissist and that, for the most part, we’ve moved through them successfully without even knowing it, we wouldn’t be so inclined to give up and go back from whence we came – to the very person that caused us the initial grief.
Simply put, to break our addiction to the narcissist, we have to understand what all the suffering really means. I’m going to try to explain it so that everyone can find a place of peace. Believe me, when you “get it”, you can rest assured that recovery is around the corner.
If we gave ourselves the suffering credit that we deserve…if we weren’t so willing to give in and give up… we’d eliminate – at that point – the compulsion to break no-contact because we would know that it wasn’t the narcissist we were even missing!
Okay, Zari, what the fuck are you talking about?
I’m saying that we become The Suffering. It’s part of the game that we play with the narcissist and we’re left with the residuals. Most of us don’t realize that, when the final break-up with a narcissist occurs, our sadness and grief is actually less about the loss of the relationship than it is about the fact that we’ve become the suffering that was associated with it.
If you think about it, we spend far more time with The Suffering than we ever do with the narcissist himself/herself…so it’s natural to become attached to it. The sadness becomes a familiar connection…it keeps us in the loop all by itself. This is why the narcissist likes to keep us anxious and off-balance. His theory is that as long as we’re suffering, he can feel fairly confident that we’ll always be in the queue. For the most part, his theory is right but we have the power to change that by, say, believing in a “theory” like mine – that we can get past the suffering and out of the fucking queue much quicker if we first realize that it’s not all about him. We just think that it is.
It’s been weeks…months! I don’t even want the motherfucker back. So why am I so unhappy? All I want to do is cry. What the hell is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you but there are two phases of suffering. Listen carefully. Time and time again, in consultations, I hear this: Why am I still so sad? I don’t even want him back! What’s wrong with me? The person I’m speaking with is usually beside themselves with self-doubt. I explain that this particular form of cognitive dissonance is a good thing and that it’s different from the cognitive dissonance that makes us doubt the narcissist is even a narcissist. When you’ve reached the point of feeling nuts over the fact that you still feel sad, the worst of the suffering is actually over. You’ve passed through the first phase. In other words, you are no longer in denial!
It’s during that first phase that people will ask me “Are you sure he’s/she’s a narcissist? Are you sure?” (to which I typically respond, “The fact that you’re calling me tells me you already know the answer to that.”) Still, they may struggle or choose not to believe me. Two phone calls later, when I hear “He’s a narcissist. I don’t even like him! Why am I’m still crazy sad?”, I know that they’ve moved on to phase two and are now attached only to the sadness itself and while this attachment is actually more bittersweet than being attached to the narcissist, it’s far easier to let go of!
The problem is that the second phase of suffering is where it becomes dangerous because if we don’t understand it, we can easily give in to the depression and go back. This is why, if right now you are feeling the compulsion to make contact even though you’ve accepted the reality, it is imperative that you pay attention to what I’m trying to say. Listen up – you’re NOT crazy!
The feeling of having to let go – to be free of the madness – is often difficult to appreciate. I didn’t get it either at first. When my ex finally walked out (after 13-years), never to return, I couldn’t even cry – I knew it had to end. Yet three months later, I still felt crazy with undeniable grief. It took me awhile to understand that my attachment to the narc was long over. It was my attachment to the suffering itself that I had to get over…my addiction to the very drama that I hated…and THAT I could handle!
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At first we miss the delusions because although the madness wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t dull either. Being caught up in all that drama and chaos sure kept us occupied and on the edge of our seats. When all the narcissistic noise subsides, the silence is so deafening that we don’t even realize that we are coming back to SANITY. And believe it or not, Zen Therapy and Buddhist Philosophy will tell you that after madness, the first phase of SANITY may not infrequently be a form of depression. I swear to you, this is the way it works! Look it up! You don’t need professional therapy, you just to move through it. THIS TOO SHALL PASS – AND QUICKLY!
I’m done with the N and now I’m just stuck on the sadness. Everyone is sick of it and so am I. How do I get through the final phase?
By realizing this: our suffering changes nothing. When we’re with the narcissist, we suffer because we think it’s going to change something – either with the narc or the relationship – but it never does. For instance, when my ex would disappear or go silent I would suffer like no tomorrow, day after day, until he returned. I just couldn’t help it. The silent treatment was his favorite “punishment”. Then one day, I switched it up, deciding to have a ball while he was gone, and what do ya know? He still returned. Suffering or not, the result was the same. Pretty soon, I was counting down the days until my next “vacation”.
The same way that you were able to move past phase one of suffering (missing the narcissist) without even knowing it – by accepting the truth – is how we get through phase two. Understand in your heart that our suffering changes not a fucking thing. It doesn’t change the world, our world, the narcissist’s world, the past, the future…not a thing. We can curl up in the fetal position, lose ten pounds, and even feel suicidal and the universe and everything in it just keeps moving. As I said, in many ways, the final phase – the final “let go” before mental freedom – is often that bittersweet sadness that makes our heart shatter…like the ending to a really sad movie. But the truth is that the movie is OVER and it’s time to exit the cinema.
When you get to the point that you still feel sad even though you KNOW you don’t miss the N, believe me, it’s done. Hold all that useless suffering – the suffering that changes not a thing – in the palm of your hand and blow it the biggest good-by kiss ever.
Think about it…if we can come to realize and accept that all the love in our hearts can’t convince a narcissist to care about right from wrong, then we can certainly realize that our suffering changes nothing and choose to be happy.
Felicia
June 10, 2016 at 8:57 amThis article is so me right now. I know what a scumbag this guy is, he’s proven it so many times. I almost met with him again because he initiated contact so I thought enough time had gone by and maybe he finally realized the error of his ways. Not to be. When I confronted him again about being so elusive AGAIN he got vicious and called me a bitch a whore a slut a cunt and went on about how selfish I am and that I have serious issues, that no man would want that. Just for saying he didn’t seem like a guy in love and excited to see me after he made plans and then boom like always I got the silence treatment all weekend. He gave me a bogus excuse that he was in the hospital and couldn’t call or text but I know better cuz he does this all the time. So I called him a liar and that’s when the filth started spewing out of his mouth. My mother always told me once an abuser always an abuser and each time it will get worse. And it has. The thing is I’m stuck in the misery too. Not that I want him still, but from all the years of the brainwashing, confusion and deception. His explosions keep getting worse.. Truth is he scares the hell out of me even though I know he is really just a coward and parasite, but I’m stuck in the suffering. For me it’s the silence and neglect and then coming back that has had the most effect on me. I refused to meet with him and I’m so proud of myself for doing that. Today I feel strong because I finally believe with all my heart that I DONT HAVE KEEP DOING THIS. I owe him NOTHING. He never loved me. He was using me. We didn’t ever have a real relationship. It was a game. Now I know that was his strategy to keep me hooked. To make me feel like I owed him and that I’m so screwed up nobody else would ever want me. The sadness and grief now comes from within for allowing this guy to do this to me. For being so stupid and vulnerable. For not having more respect for ME and getting rid of him sooner. That’s the struggle for me now. Forgivingg myself. ????
C
June 9, 2016 at 9:59 amI have a weird situation, Zari … I’ve been NC for two years, it’s been wonderful, I don’t miss the N at all … But now I’m actually afraid of him returning. He’d always Hoover me and make my life miserable. Life is great now! I don’t want that to get messed up.
I suppose this is a better response than missing him, but living with anxiety is awful. I keep telling myself he can’t come back, I blocked all avenues, but I know he was pissed and trying to force contact until I double blocked him everywhere. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, he can’t come back unless I allow it and even then, so what? He can’t hurt me, he’s got no leverage, we share no friends, he’s powerless.
Yet I’m still afraid. It’s like once NC took effect, I suddenly realized how dangerous and toxic he was. The idea of that reengering my life gives me hives.
Does anyone else experience this? I seem to see all these articles on hoping for the Hoover, but how do you cope with becoming totally disillusioned by the narcissist and actually being afraid of accidentally running into him, or him somehow breaking back into your life?
Zari Ballard
June 9, 2016 at 10:50 amHi C,
You’re situation isn’t weird at all…we all go through that. For me, it’s been three years and sure, I wonder every time I go out even to the supermarket that I might run into him. That’s always going to happen…I just prepare myself and keep going. Just last summer my ex sporadically came tapping at the door. When I didn’t respond, he dumped all my plants upside down on my welcome mat. Oh well! He tried the FB friend request too at one point…I ignored it and eventually he took it down. What are you gonna do? The truth is that narcissists are truly not that motivated to go out of their way to see us once it’s finally over. Sure, they might try here and there but if you haven’t heard a word in two years, you are spending far too much time thinking about it. I’m sure he’s busy elsewhere. We can’t control the behaviors of these creatures but we can certainly control our reactions to it. Like you said, he can’t “break into your life” unless you allow it. So if he tries, just don’t allow it. If life is wonderful and your completely over it, then just continue on. Enjoy the silence!!! LOL
Zari xo
C
June 9, 2016 at 4:16 pmThanks, this makes me feel loads better. I guess it helps that narcissists seem to be super lazy and pursue the path of least resistance.
Joanne
June 5, 2016 at 8:55 amHey Zari 🙂
Once again your posting exactly what I need to hear at exactly the right moment…..its almost a year to the day of my final discard….after confronting him on my way home from vacation i felt so empowered & thought this is it im good!!! well not so much this week I had a dream about him and all week im feeling sad and thinking about “us” AGAIN….i feel like im being hoovered by my dreams !!! this is insanity.!! My suffering does not exisit or matter to anyone because no one knows ….the effort & time im putting into suffering is wasted time it changes nothing & your so right on its the suffering that im in a relationship with now its not even about him. Thank you sista! hugs xoooxxxo
Zari Ballard
June 5, 2016 at 11:22 pmHi Joanne,
Nice to hear from you, girl! Yes, our suffering changes not a fucking thing. The truth is that we paid all those suffering dues DURING the relationship so we DESERVE to be off the suffering hook. When you feel like suffering, get thee to the supermarket florist shop, buy yourself a couple bouquet of flowers (carnations – tons of colors, cheap, and they live for two weeks sometimes!) and put them in vases all over the house. I do it every week and it has changed the way I perceive a room in my house when I walk into it now. Simple but effective:)
And the dreams…yes, that will happen. It seems so real that when you wake up it’s as if you just saw him. I had a dream not long ago that I was somewhere he was at and he walked over and was talking to me with his face two inches from mine. He was being nice enough but I was very uncomfortable and I kept moving my head, dodging him from side to side, and he would just move his face right along with it. Then I got very sad and just turned and started walking away and it was like his head dislodged from his body and was keeping right up with me. He was saying “Come on Zari. Please” and then I was running and then I woke up. Yikes!!! I felt sad, I’ll admit it, because it felt at that sleepy second as if I had just seen him. So I got up and walked around for a bit, put the radio on, and went back to bed and I was okay. It’s only a dream, sista! It’s only a dream.
Remember what he looked like when you stopped by and saw him. Oh yeah…and how YOU looked! Nope – not a match anymore!!!
Hugs to you….Zari xo
Sick of BS
June 4, 2016 at 12:35 amIt’s the old saying: Is this guy really into me? I think stone-walling explains that. If he had questions…he’d be in contact…esp from those men U know have arrogance & seem to fear nothing.
Sick of BS
June 4, 2016 at 12:15 amI just WARN – don’t play back sociopaths compared to womanisers esp those that really have affiliation with ur friends, workmates or family. They ARE cold empty souls…hugely jealous of life better than theirs…so, don’t bother flashing it….be PROUD to move on with it – with authenticity. Their life is always a facade….they will do anything to have themselves win…they ARE EVIL…all nice when they felt in control.
Sick of BS
June 3, 2016 at 11:30 pmThe GAME of narcissistic sex players (& worst sociopaths who are REAL narcissists & pathologically self serving)…is best seen on the U-tube of ask Chazz Ellis…self-proclaimed womaniser at one stage in his life (not sure I’d believe him tho…since once a player – ALWAYS a player as the saying goes)..BUT the Utubes do explain the GAME ladies.
to KNOW when someone is playing games…it will RING clear…hearing it from the WOLF himself.
Zari Ballard
June 4, 2016 at 12:50 amHi Sick of BS,
The only thing about these videos is that these guys are playing upon the people that they spend their whole life hurting. While they might be helpful in some ways, not so sure if I’d want to give them the satisfaction of watching. Plus, don’t forget that these videos bring money if the clicks add up. Nothing a narc or sociopath does is random. Just sayin’.
Zari:)
Soul sucked out Kris!
May 31, 2016 at 9:02 pmHello Zari & everyone! Omg!?! This literally is what I have been feeling lately & not knowing how to express it or how to process it!!! I felt like this could have been my own story written out! However I do have a question?!? I am at that movies over point & the ass baggery things he’d do the “tells” the facial expressions or lack of expression!? The body language the constant avoiding or the cell phone game omggggg I have fantasized about running that thing over again & again!!! Lol It is REAL!! Some people “friends” think I am dramatic!?! Which makes me angry now!!! But whatever at this point! My question is see we have been together 14yrs married & dated back in school…. I am at the f it point & I wish I could get in “The Way Back Machine” lol & get back the last 2yrs especially of searching digging looking at stuff knowing damn well he had already done his “watch this hand while the other hand rearranges the compartments routine”….!!! I have literally allowed him to convince me to give up all that was “me” or “mine” my career is shot to you know what which hurts badly knowing he HELPED build it knowing I loved it but he did not like me having I’d guess the attention or compliments which is pretty crappy of anyone to do to you but he just seemed to enjoy it!!! So my point or question along w/ all the giving up & in & settling for things etc he managed to put a wedge between me & my family etc etc so that now I literally have no car or my own money I have to ask before I buy a burger but he can do whateverrrr he wants never says anything to me (obviously) so I have to find a way to maintain some level of “self worth” & get some kind of “life” again & find a way to I guess coexist with all of the fuckery & that nagging feeling where the “bs” alarm is like going off & it usually is right on!?! Grrrr…. We have a sweet & very very empathetic creative & all around NORMAL little boy & he senses I feel awful & says he is lucky he has me things like that?!? He is very in tune to feelings….. I have read some where that it can be done?!? But right now I am confused I am done repeating the same movie so to speak & want to have a life but I really have no options & believe it or not he’s a great dad to our son & I can’t imagine taking that from my son?! I figure I have already been through a special level of hell!?! & back! So if there is anyway to coexist I need to know the secrets!!! I also found that I now know that his dad literally is like a puppet master & that he “trained” his kids ( he has 2 sisters that are OMG!?! ) & lately he has been working his butt off & I saw or well was here & his dad did not know & came in reaming him about how he should jump when told & sucks as a dad & that quote ” I see your CRAZY wife has not cleaned the house”….. Grrrr asshole! I wish I had recorded it all!!! I have never seen my husband (N) just clam up & not hardly even try to speak just got treated like as they say a red headed step child & I can’t help but feel like what a sob & I have like the other lady mentioned become a “martyr” trying to get the very a-hole that broke me to see that he is not the “loser” his dad literally screamed at him that he was !? It was all I could do not to come out from our room where I was sitting & let him have it finally since he did not think I was there?!?! I don’t know what to make of it all?! I know his dad taught them that “therapy is bs!!!” I feel like he says that because a therapist will call BS & he does not want to be shown for what he really is?!!? I have tried therapy w/ my N hubby & it went South fast she knew the whole act apparently & she told him what was what & well he told her she was just a therapist not a doctor with no RIGHTTTT to tell him what was up w/ him ?!?!? & told her she was a B & to F off or go F herself!?! It was baddddd….. So anyway I am sorry for the all over the place message lol I tend to go in 100 directions all of the time & that is also something I want to stop doing! & be selfish & focus on myself & son for once!!!! Thanks in advance for any advice I know I sound like a total crazy person….!!!! Thanks!!! Kris
Zari Ballard
June 24, 2016 at 5:18 pmHi Kris,
Well, it’s been a month since you wrote and normally I would ask for an update so I can respond appropriately but I’m going to take a guess and say nothing has probably changed on your end. It sounds as if you’ve already decided that you have no options and that there is no way out. Although you’re looking for help, you have more or less resigned yourself to this fate. You must already know that he is never going to change. Co-existing with a monster is always going to be just what it is. Plus, it sounds as if you have some psycho control freaks as in-laws as well. I don’t envy your situation and I wish I had some quick-fix answers.
I don’t know what your career was but it can’t possibly be shot to the point that you can never re-coup any of it. If you want a means of support, you will have to get back to work someway, somehow. Then, you can plan an escape for down the road and hopefully eventually a divorce or to be at least on your own with your son. Your husband’s bad is as good as it’s ever going to get so what do you have to lose? In the meantime, I would stop discussing your marriage issue with “friends” because it blurs the truth. When you stop talking about it, complaining about it, your husbands true colors will inevitably show through and you may possibly get some sympathy and/or support out of it. They may realize that you were right after all and not just being dramatic. But this won’t happen until you go quiet about it. As for hubby, living each day with detachment and indifference is about all you can do. For him, this game of manipulation and emotional abuse will never get old. He likes it this way and only you can change it for yourself.
Don’t accept this as your fate for life. Take little steps. It may take awhile but it will give you hope. Get back to work whether he likes it or not. You must take a stand with this so you can have your own money. Once you do that, I believe that the rest will fall into place even if it’s slow-going.
Good luck, sister!
Zari xo