Calling out a narcissist as a pathological liar is not as important as pin pointing the type of lying that he does that really cuts us to the core: future-faking. By this, I mean that the narcissist talks about or hints at a future together to get what he wants from us right now. Indeed, his innate ability to future-fake is probably the narcissist’s most effective tactic for managing down our expectations and the biggest reason for why we stay in a relationship that is obviously so bad for us. In other words, it’s the depth and breadth of the lie that we become tethered to because it speaks to our heart’s desires…to what we’ve wanted all along. The narcissist, of course, knows this and thus will use his knowledge of our heartfelt desires to string us along until the end of time. It’s the part of the narcissistic pathological relationship agenda that lends itself to the fact that there is no boundary that a narcissist will not cross to get what he wants in the moment that he wants it.
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Now, mind you, what I’m talking about here goes far beyond the periodic broken promise because a periodic broken promise can be easily forgiven when followed by a promise kept. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the perpetual broken promise that carries the allusion of a promised future. It’s these types of broken promises that hurt the most because the lie itself is intensified by the authenticity of the way it’s presented. The narcissistic lover will spin us a future via promises containing all the words we want to hear. They’ll spin us a future via mirroring back to us all the things that we want from the relationship. They get us to stay or to come back or to wait for them to come back by faking a future with us that ultimately never happens. Future-faking is so much worse than ordinary lying because it shows how much of a pretender extraordinaire the narcissist really is.
For the first few years of my 13-year relationship, I made it so easy for my ex-boyfriend to future fake that he barely had to say a word – and he knew it. If he even alluded to doing something together in the “future”, I’d ride the fucking wave of hope right up to the shoreline where he’d gleefully slap me off my surfboard. Up until that point, of course, he’d have gotten whatever he wanted which was usually to stroll back in after several weeks of silence (with no repercussions or questions asked) or to have hot sex not after but during a fight or to distract me from catching him in a lie. For all of the above, he had no problem saying whatever it took to get the job done. Eventually, I grew defiant and combative whenever he even mentioned a future event because I knew it would never happen but that didn’t stop him from future-faking because to deliberately deceive me was… well… just too much fun!
Here are some of the ways that a narcissist will use future-faking to keep us in his queue of narcissistic supply:
- Future-faking during the idolize/love-bombing phase to make us think that this person really wants the same things that we do in life. This type of future-faking creates what I call the soulmate effect. Example: “Oh My God, that’s my favorite band too! Look, they’re coming in 4 months. I’ll get us some tickets – that’s a date!” or “You know, from the moment I saw you, I just KNEW we’d be together for a really long time” or “I can’t believe we like ALL the same things. I’ve never had that with anybody. YOU are the one for me.”
- Future-faking as a hoovering technique but only when we’ve had enough and have finally gone No Contact. Since a narcissist can typically lure us back with mere crumbs, future-faking is the emergency back-up in his bag of hoovering tricks. Example (by phone) “No, no no…don’t hang up! I wanna get married!” or (by text) “Hey it’s me. Look, I’m sorry. Let’s live together” or (in person) “Wait..look into my eyes. Can’t you see how much I love you? I want to grow old together.”
- Future-faking to end a fight. If, in the middle of a fight, the narcissist feels as if he may be losing, he’ll typically toss out some future-fakery to get you to relinquish control. Example: “Okay, okay..look, can’t we just stop this nonsense and get married or something?”
- Future-faking as part of conversation. Narcissists, as we know, thoroughly enjoy hearing the sound of their own voice and consequently will future fake just to keep the conversation going. Example: “Hey, I’ve been thinking that you could really help me start my business. What do ya think? Wanna do it together?” or “Remember when we talked about France awhile back. I think it’s time we started planning for that trip.”
The idea of writing about future-faking was actually provided to me by a lovely woman who, during a phone consultation, lamented the fact that her narcissistic ex would continually make meaningful plans and then vanish into thin air. Shortly before the final discard, during a peaceful moment, he’d even urged her to start planning for a trip to Paris for the following year – something they had both expressed an interest in doing together over the years. Excited, she went to work, making the plans, researching the details….getting ready for what would undoubtedly be a trip of a life time. The fact that this was his idea and that he appeared excited it gave her hope that he actually meant it…that despite his ridiculous and unexpected silent treatments, he obviously intended to be around for the future, for the TRIP. Unfortunately, this was not to be when, shortly thereafter, over something ridiculous and unrelated, he simply vanished never to be heard from again as if the plans were never made. To her, obviously, this was devastating and hard to wrap her head around. When I labeled his behavior as “future-faking”, she was shocked by the fact that, here again, was another universal behavior so typical of the narcissistic personality that there was actually a term to describe the nonsense. I remember feeling that same shock. It’s the kind of shock that prompts us to review and re-label so many moments from the relationship. It’s the kind of shock that makes us shake our heads in sadness, wondering why the hell we allowed ourselves to stay in the relationship beyond perhaps not the first but – hell – at least the second time that it happened.
Seriously, how many futures need to be faked before we realize that fakery is all it’s ever going to be? When does it become time to reconcile the blame? In my case, the answer to that would have to be thousands or 13-years worth or whatever number the last faked future was before he never came back to me. In all honesty, it took me years to not realize but rather accept that my ex’s ability to future fake was just that – an ability – and that he never ever planned to follow through with anything that took place in a future time beyond, say, the next ten minutes. I had realized plenty before that but coming to a point of acceptance was a whole other thing. To accept that the person we love is a future-faker means realizing and accepting the reality that this person is NOT normal and NOTHING about this behavior is acceptable. There ARE people in the world who mean what they say and say what they mean…but the narcissist that we love/loved is NOT one of them. Hindsight may be twenty-twenty, my friends, but let’s be grateful that it happens at all. What happens after that is up to us and all we can do is the right thing.
Sylvia
June 4, 2018 at 4:14 pmLord jesus this is 100% what happened for 2 years in my relationship with a narcissist. I got tired of the future faking and said hey, 2 years is “it” (obviously I was exploited and crushed all the while, but that’s a side point). My life/job happens to be incredibly fast-paced, even for the general population, and to be honest, I got sick of his laziness lmao. After seeing 2 years of him legitimately stuck in the same place where he started, I was amazed he was still sitting there like a little princess, expecting someone to save him (and spent money for EVERY BASIC NEED when he didn’t have a bank account!) while he looked pretty. Idk how these people live with themselves or sleep at night. I’d probably commit suicide if my self-image was so fragile and dependent on other people (by quantity, too). Like, wow. I would theoretically pity him and the rest but I really don’t. Not worth our time.
Zari Ballard
June 7, 2018 at 3:15 pmHi Sylvia!
Thanks for sharing and I love what you said about the pity and how it’s not worth your time. If a narc doesn’t feel sorry for himself, why should we?? Best to just leave and get on with it. Good for you for getting out after two years…you rock, girl:)
Zari:)
NarcNonsense
April 5, 2018 at 10:26 amI’m going through this now I believe. I’ve only known my SO for four months but he’s always played the infamous soulmate role with me. We’ve already had a rocky past due to mistrust issues concerning him in the short time we’ve known each other. He does recognize his faults and does apologize (after a blame pity show) but I do agree, there is still trust issues with us. Almost immediately into the relationship, he mentioned that he wanted a future with me. At first, I was all up in red flags over this but he’s is a Grade A Organic Grass Fed narcissist so I would lull in and out of reality in his future faking. Just two weeks ago, he and I had a disagreement by the idea of getting married this summer (three months away). I said I wasn’t ready and would need time and he was understanding but a bit disappointed by that. Since that and prior, but more so lately, it’s constant “My Wife this. My wife that.” “You’re my wife” “What’s my wife up to?” Every single day he drills it to me that I’m his wife and just last night, he made me tell him why I honesty want to marry him which I did with great thought and he did the same back. Still, that nagging feeling of ambiguity lingers in me and slaps me back into reality. Today I decided to turn the tables on him! I said “I’ve changed my mind. Let’s get married this summer as you said earlier. I’m willing to move forward and join you in wanting a future of marriage and a family with you.” That is another hot button of his, even though he’s got a vasectomy, he is obsessed with having kids with me and wants a reversal to do so. Yup, and names already picked out! So, what does Mr. Marriage do? He suddenly became rational and level headed. “I really want that too but let’s work on recovering from our past first and work on us.” So, I in response acted like the narcissist! “But baby I love you and I want to get married now. I….(dramatic movements) I…just feel so much passion for you that I just know it’s the right thing to do!” I’ve been down the future fake road with previous men in the past so I know the role. This can go either way. He can feel like he’s a rat trapped in a corner and begin to devalue and discard. If this happens, it can be the subtle fade out or it can be a full blown sabotage. If I’m his most desired source of supply now, he can eventually go with the storyline and continue to push marriage hoping I will behave in the moment.
Seth
November 27, 2017 at 1:16 pmI am a victim. I’m really hurt right now and I’ve tried everything I can to understand this.
The sabatoge I’ve experienced is mind numbing. I don’t know how I can ever trust again.
Zari Ballard
December 18, 2017 at 12:16 amHi Seth,
It’s not about ever trusting again. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many narcs out there and they are so good at what they do, that we are simply not going to know them off the bat. The only thing we can do is escape quicker. I’m sure that’s not the answer you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. You will “trust” just like you did the last time and the time before but this time, hopefully, you will be vigilant and aware. It will be okay….
Zari:)
Melanie
November 9, 2017 at 9:29 amI’ve been in my “relationship” with my son’s father for 6 years now. It of course has been on and off. Each time harder than the last. When he were a “family” (basically he ‘claimed’ me on social media). he didn’t want me to work so I stayed home and took care of our son. After 3 years of being beaten, cheated on, and humiliated, I finally left him and got on my feet. His world fell apart. He lost his job and his house. He was forced to move in with his aunt but (him being also an alcoholic) that wasn’t ideal for him. So he begged to live with me. I let him and had the stupid idea that we were a family again. A couple months later, he started a fight over something so stupid I can’t even remember and left. Silent treatment again. This went on for about a year. I was transferred to another city for my job. He, of course still not having his shit together, begged to come with me. I let him. My son loves him so bare in mind that’s even harder to let go. He got a job with his friend working out of town (about 5 hours away) building manufactured homes. I knew while he was gone he would find someone to “comfort” him while he was away because he can’t go without it for more than 3 minutes. After about a month of him going there every few days to work, I found out he has been talking to his ex (one of the ones he cheated on me with when were a ‘family’). Something clicked (I guess an “A-ha” moment) and I immediately kicked him out. Of course during this fight he was saying things like “I’ve been getting good pussy!” or “No one is ever gonna want you!”. I didn’t react, I just waited for his Uber to come get him. I thought he would do the right thing and find somewhere close to his kids (he has twins with another woman and they don’t even know him, but the mom and I are very close) but instead he opted out for the woman 5 hours away who he had been fucking for about a month. 4 days later, HE MARRIED HER. That is the part I do not understand. I’m used to him finding another victim, and I’m even used to finding out he promised to marry these victims. But this time, HE ACTUALLY MARRIED HER. Now, once again I’m getting the silent treatment even though we have a son together. He doesn’t ask to talk to him and if he does he says “Hey you silly bitch, how about you stop being a fucking cunt and let me talk to my son!!” He knows I will not answer those. Our son is only 4 and cant dial a phone so when he send me disrespectful messages like that, I just ignore them until he can be respectful (which NEVER happens). I know he wants me to say no or ignore him so I look like the bad guy but I know he truly doesn’t care about his any of kids. The only thing shocking is the marriage. I don’t understand it and I don’t think I will. He has now known this girl for TWO months and has been married for almost a month. Can someone please shed some light as to what in the actual fuck he might be thinking???
WB
October 11, 2017 at 8:13 amIt took me over 20 years to figure it all out. She had me dancing to her tune for years. I thought I was going mad, on a whim I searched for “lack of empathy” and the light finally switched on. She had NPD. Recently she had mentioned another guy that she had met in a bar, I instantly told her that what she was doing was called triangulation and asked her why she did it? She of course didn’t have a plausible answer, I had obviously hit a nerve because she went in to full silent treatment. A few weeks later she’s back but now I am completely aware of her MO and decide to call her out on everything with the result that once again I am persona non grata. She really is a wretched human being.
SinglePigeon
August 17, 2017 at 2:58 pmOMG…unbelievable!! This describes my relationship of the past three (wasted!) years TO A TEE! Every time I would attempt to leave him, he’d take me shopping for an engagement ring he never intended to buy. Every time I raised doubts about his sincerity, he’d drag me across the country to family events to show how “serious” he was. He’d set his OWN deadlines for engagement (“I don’t want to waste MY time, either…!” he’d moan) and blow through them like a drunk driver blowing through stop signs. There was always some kind of excuse, usually that he was ABOUT to propose but I ruined it by either bringing it up or “failing to improve” in one of the areas on the forever changing and growing list of things he wanted me to improve upon for my “own good”. When I finally wised up and moved out, he tried to turn things around and acted like HE was the one who broke up with ME and told me he had all the money saved up for an engagement ring and he wanted to take six weeks to “get things in order so we can have a brand new start” when he came back to propose. He said exactly what any woman would want to hear (before she realized he was full of baloney) but all it did was piss me off further because it made me realize he thought I was stupid enough to still believe all his pretty, candy-colored lies. I went No Contact cold turkey and have not heard from him in two months now (whatever happened to “six weeks”? Where’s my ring? LMAO…!) and I cannot wait to tell him where to shove it WHEN he comes crawling back (although I truly hope he doesn’t…after learning far more about him and his motivations/manipulations in his absence than I ever did in our three wasted years together, he completely repulses me and I would not piss on him if he were on fire). The only thing I am sad and scared about is the possibility that I will find another one just like him – definitely more cautious and probably a bit paranoid as I head back into the dating world again!
Zari Ballard
September 28, 2017 at 2:38 pmHi Single Pigeon,
Don’t be overcautious about dating again. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are so many polished narcs out there, we will never really recognize them right off the bat. The only thing we can hope for is that we get out quicker. Use everything you have learned to make better (not necessarily “perfect” but better) decisions in the future.
Zari xo
Jenny
July 27, 2017 at 2:15 pmThis post really got to me because it is exactly what my narcissistic ex had been doing to me until just recently We divorced in 2011 and I finally got to a place I was really happy and no longer thought about him. Then both my parents passed away in 2015 withing 7 weeks of each other and he swooped in… Before I knew what had happened, I was in a quasi FWB relationship with him, with a “maybe in the future” a permanent romantic relationship “hook”. Another 2 years wasted, and I’ve finally come to my senses. He always told me he never lied, and being a very manipulative “word smith”, I learned that I had to listen exactly to what he said, not what I THOUGHT he said. He even got so confident and secure of my love for him, that he started sharing some of his ability to manipulate with words. For example, after telling me he would never sleep with my friends out of respect for, he said “You got to listen more carefully. I said I’d never “sleep” with your friends. I didn’t say I wouldn’t have sex with them.’ And then he smiles. Of course he never went ahead and promised not to have sex friends, even when I called him on the fact that the phrase “sleep with” meant “having sex”. Before reading your post, I had no idea this is a common manipulative technique narcissists use on their partners. So thanks. I feel much better, even if I my love was manipulated by him. I no longer have that nagging doubt that he “might really love me”, which was his way of hoovering me back into being a source of narcissistic supply for him.
Zari Ballard
August 2, 2017 at 10:53 pmHi Jenny,
I am so sorry about the loss of both your parents…and only 7 weeks apart?? It doesn’t surprise me in the least that a narc would swoop in…it is what they do…it is who they are. I’m grateful to have been able to shed some light on the situation. These people are so twisted and they will future-fake and waste your life away if you allow it. Narcissists know right from wrong, they just don’t give a shit and this is why nothing he does away from you will ever be conducive to the “relationship” you and he have together. He’ll always be up to no good….Stay strong, sister:)
Zari xo
Jenny
August 6, 2017 at 6:39 pmThanks Zari.
The reason why this article really hit home for me was because this was my narcs favorite phrase when it came to talking about a relationship with me:
“Who knows what the future will bring.”
Haha! Seriously. These guys really do betray themselves through the things they say.
But I think even this was a carefully thought out and deliberate action on his part, not a Freudian slip. It was a all game to him. Our little relationship dance. He wanted to see just how aware I was of his tactics and word manipulation. He was bored and this was fun for him. I think he loved how he could tell me the “truth” – that a relationship with him would always remain in the future – knowing that this isn’t what I “heard” tho. This way he could say “I didn’t lie to you. I told you the truth. You just didn’t listen” Which was really just fancy double speak on his part. He knew full well what I had understood him to mean because I was smart enough to tell him exactly what I heard him say. But he did nothing to correct any misunderstandings I had.
I finally got tired of hearing it because it meant nothing, and told him so. He stopped. I figured it out so it wasn’t fun any more I guess.