Breaking up with a narcissist is never easy but, with the right intention and the willingness to let a few things go, it certainly can be done. The good news is that the “rules” of breaking up with a narcissist are completely different than the rules that apply to even the most dysfunctional of “normal” relationships. When you break up with a narcissist, there are a whole slew of things that you simply don’t have to worry about.
For example, when you decide to leave a narcissist for good….
- You don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings because he doesn’t have any
- Because he’s never around, you really don’t even have to tell him you’re breaking up
- Even if you do break up in person, he’ll likely be so insulted (narcissistic injury) that he’ll start giving you the silent treatment anyway
- You don’t have to worry about running into him anytime soon because of his Houdini-like ability to vanish off the face of the earth
- And so forth and so on…..
Of course, in order to really break up and truly let go of the narcissist, you, as the victim, have to be able to give up a few of the things that have been keeping you from breaking up with him in the first place including:
- The need to have the last word because it will ever happen. The narcissist is a walking dictionary of last words and he’ll always have a better one.
- The need to hear him admit to every awful thing he’s ever done to you because he won’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about
- The need to first get reimbursed for all the money you’ve either spent on him or he’s “borrowed” from you because, again, he won’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about
- The need to have him grovel for forgiveness because, in the blink of an eye, he’ll have you groveling for forgiveness and you won’t even know how he did it
- The need to break-up but then still get closure-style revenge (somehow) because chances are he’s already thought ahead and his revenge on your revenge will be much worse
- And so forth and so on
Yes, ending a relationship with a narcissist is easier than you think because the reality of the situation is that you’ve been broken up the whole time! Just because the narcissist disappears without saying a word doesn’t mean he hasn’t broken up with you – because he has. Silent treatments are just break-ups in disguise intended to make you imagine that the possibility that you haven’t been dumped for good still exists.
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Recently, I received a heartfelt email from a reader who wondered if No Contact still counted if she decided to implement it during a silent treatment. Of course it does! You can turn a narcissistic silent treatment around anytime in your own mind just by saying “This is NOT a silent treatment. This is No Contact and I’ve just dumped YOU!” My point is that, since the narcissist is never around anyway, you can break up with him anytime simply by not being there when he gets back. You can just as easily block HIS phone and change YOUR phone number – as he does to you – but you must do it with one thing that’s different: the intention.
Again, the silent treatment is a narcissist’s way to avoid you dumping him by keeping you confused as to whether he just dumped you. He intends to return because his intention – always – is to keep you from moving on from the pain he has caused (although he’s been moving on the whole time). You have to understand how the narcissist is really thinking…the evilness and indifference of his plan…and accept it as truth – because it is! Once you grasp the facts…that he doesn’t and has never loved you, that he is going to play this cat and mouse game forever and ever, that he will never change and, therefore, wanting to get even and have closure and hear “I’m sorry’s” is just a waste of more time…once you “get” all of this, it will become amazingly clear to you that dumping the narcissistic partner is far easier than you ever thought possible.
Now, when you co-parent with a narcissist, things are slightly different but only technically. The truth is that narcissists are no better parents than they are partners. Narcissists walk out on their families to be with other partners all the time and don’t have the slightest problem doing it. No problem at all. So, if you don’t have the strength to end it while he’s still living with you, then wait for him to leave (and you know he will), change the locks, tell the kids, and start the process of divorcing his ass.
I’m not saying that your decision to finally break-up for good isn’t going to be sad – because it will be. What I am saying is that, if you stay focused and mean what you say and say what you mean, to actually break-up with the narcissist, to end it, to stop the insanity once and for all isn’t going to be that hard. The hard part is always within us – the victim – and it always has to do with our inability to be honest with ourselves about the intention of the “break-up”. If your plan, deep down, is to go No Contact in hopes that he will end his silent treatment, you may as well just sit and wait for the hoover and save yourself the trouble. He’s going to do all those awful things narcissists and sociopaths do whether you love him or not, remain loyal to him or not, wait for him or not, or break-up with him or not.
So you may as well stop suffering and begin the process of setting yourself free!
Updated & Reposted
S F
August 19, 2016 at 8:22 pmThank you for this. I just “broke up” with a narcissist. We had a 2 yr relationship in our early 20s that was all bad for me. He used me and it finally ended when I found someone new. Then 20 years later he finds me on fb and what started out as a friendship turned into me cheating on my husband and kicking him out all because this now 41 year old man convinced me that he had changed. I bought it hook, line and sinker. Let him meet my kids because he didn’t want to be a secret. He bought groceries and spent money on them. That part bothers me the most. He told my daughter that he loved me. But a month and a half later, after I loaned him money, he stopped talking to me. I was devastated. I ended up finding out he had another girlfriend while we were together. That’s when I looked up narcissists and sociopaths and I couldn’t believe how everything fit him to a tee. So now he is still trying to keep in contact, on his terms of course. It’s been a month since he discarded me. I blocked his number and he started emailing me. I finally told him today in an email that I’m done and it’s over. My husband and I are working on our relationship and he forgives me for what happened. He also acknowledges his part (we were already having trouble in our marriage). I feel like I was lucky because the narc showed his true colors in less than 3 months. I feel for anyone that is in this situation, especially for years. Even for the short time it was, I feel so violated. I am getting better with every passing day, but the feelings of still wanting him are there, even though I know what he is. I know I’ll get passed this. It will just take time.
Jennifer
March 16, 2016 at 2:21 amGood day seems that I left a marriage for this —— ???? I really don’t believe I’ve done that I I have to be very honest about GOD that led me to this site and on a whim I just entered a search criteria and this site came up. I am a nurse and I didn’t specialize in pyschiatry even standard pychiatry deals with schizrophenia etc however N stands gruesome pathetic unbelievable
I am in this relationship for 22 yrs. Thankfully never married him and have two children with him whom he’s never supported. I didn’t trust him thought that I’m doomed to stay in this relationship but ladies take note Psalm 91 and God getting u out of the fowlers snare. For self preservation I listened to Lady a song written by Lionel Richie and making that as GOD singing it to me and making the Lord ur Maker your husband I may sound overtly religious however He has been my strenght. I had something to compare him to aand that being my husband this ass sought only to embarass
Zari Ballard
March 18, 2016 at 7:13 pmAmen, sister! I’m grateful too that you were led to my blog and I hope you find nothing but comfort and validation here. I’m here to support you. I survived and you can too!
Zari xo
Maryam
November 25, 2015 at 1:08 amSince I’ve started reading your articles Step by step I get improved.. It was such a relief to know all about my narcissist ex bf and yes breaking up with that jerk was easier than what I thought before.. Know I completely get over him and move on easily, I’m happy without any regret or wishes to take him back 🙂 thank you very much…
JulianneUK
August 2, 2015 at 6:45 amHello Zari
I’ve been in a ‘relationship’ (I can’t even call it that…) with a narcissist I met online, for four draining years.
The hot and cold, seduce and discard, I recognise so very clearly from reading your blog. ‘Crock of Shit’ is indeed a very good way to describe it.
The guy I met was super charming, a real dream boat (aren’t they all)…4 years later, and I am an emotional wreck and seriously out of pocket financially.
I can’t bring myself to list the whole relationship debacle here, it is too awful! Lets just give an example….I went to spend a weekend with him recently after he encouraged me and bombarded me every day….As soon as I got home he ignored me, then said he was going away for a week ‘incommunicado’ to meditate and think about his life …YEAH RIGHT!
After that week (someone else no doubt….) he was back on the scene, schmoozing me again to go over for a holiday, days of texts and sending me pictures (always of him he he he how narcissistic is that?) then…this weekend, he has vanished.
My (I am sorry to say) pleading texts have been met with stony replies. I asked for a time to talk to him and he said He wasn’t able to answer, and could I be patient. 🙁
My response, for the first time in 4 years, has been to tell him where to go.
I am very distressed by this and could do with someone to talk to. Is your phone service completely confidential?
Despite it all…and it has been the gimmest experience of my entire life!…I still have a sense of humour. Every time he sent a picture of himself…which was daily! I thought ” you vain sod”…and he never asked for a pic of me he he.
Look forward to any comments at this very very difficult time.
Thanks everyone
Julianne
Sheryl Lockard
July 20, 2015 at 7:57 pmJust downloaded your book. Incredible! Been with an N for 5 years. He was unfaithful from the beginning, lied, disappeared and threatened suidcide on an average of once a week. Moved in with him a year ago. He became silent, meaner, and thru temper tantrums constantly. Usually happened when I would ask him for help with projects or he was caught contacting other women. I moved into my own home 6 months ago and continued to see him, dinner and so on. I have been repulsed sexually because of his unfaithfulness, sex once in the last 6 months. I was so frightened to totally disconnect from him for fear he would kill himself. I know of one attempt. He was great to be with the past 6 months but last week the garbage started again. I am an intelligent women and have had many life changing moments. Some good and some devastating. I won’t beat myself up for being deceived by an N. So far so good no pain, no desire to call him, just a quiet breeze of freedom. Have always loved music and dancing, today was the first time in years that I heard the words to a song and felt the music, what a renewal. As for your book it reinforced everything I already knew plus more. Thank you so very much. As for today I am at peace, no longer feel frightened, have no desire to hear from him and don’t give a damn about his welfare. As for revenge not even an issue, I see him as a contaminated, vile, sick human. The No Call rule is in place. Everything is blocked. As for those that are suffering in an N relationship, please read Narcissist Free it is a suvival guide, great reinforcement for moments the pain comes back and it could save your life.
Zari Ballard
July 23, 2015 at 6:33 pmSheryl wrote…I won’t beat myself up for being deceived by an N. So far so good no pain, no desire to call him, just a quiet breeze of freedom. Have always loved music and dancing, today was the first time in years that I heard the words to a song and felt the music, what a renewal. Amen!
Hi Sheryl,
Thank you for writing and for reading my book. If you can, I would so appreciate it if you’d leave a review at Amazon:)
I love the way you have expressed the immediate feelings you are having…the breeze of freedom and finally hearing music and feeling it. Those feelings will come and go and then one day very soon you will realize they are here to stay. That they have come back. I’m grateful that you have your own place where you can recover in peace and I’m grateful that you aren’t beating yourself up. How can we really blame ourselves for caring about another human soul or about assuming that the person we love is telling us the truth? Neither is a flaw by any means. The key is to understand that this person can not be fixed and does not want to be fixed and that we deserve to be happy.
Stay strong and feel free to write anytime. I am here to support you!
Zari xo
Misty
July 9, 2015 at 7:18 pmGood evening everyone and Zari
These people have serious serious traumas that they are running from in their childhood. Like these people are soooooo fucked up; you have to be to inflict pain on someone and are happy about it. My N was classic for all of these characteristics. In my case, I couldn’t understand why I was in a relationship but felt alone all at the same damn time. Then it clicked….this is also a familiar feeling. Why was it familiar? My mother is a narcissist. How your able to be on this constant roller coaster ride? In my case, I was raised by a Narc so I’ve been “taught” how to deal with this. It seems to be the typical. Co dependent and narcicissists fit like a hand in a glove. During and after my relationship I did a lot of reflecting and soul searching; these people will tear you into pieces. I thank him for waking me up; making me see he’s not the only person who had issues in the relationship. No contact is the only way; it sends them into a tailspin….and I LOVE watching this bitch squirm…..to listen to a vm to hear him distraught? EPIC!!! What goes around comes around. Best revenge? Become the whole person you were meant to be and be happy. Isn’t it a sad life that the only way you can be happy is because of another person? That’s a narc life and thats sad.
Zari Ballard
July 14, 2015 at 4:29 pmMisty wrote…Best revenge? Become the whole person you were meant to be and be happy. Isn’t it a sad life that the only way you can be happy is because of another person? That’s a narc life and thats sad.
Amen, sister! Feel free to share your insight anytime….
Zari xo
Rebecca
April 29, 2015 at 1:28 amI am going threw this again with another narc and I need help. This one was worse. Engaged, new home, loved up all in three months then boom left me an started a silent treatment. I’m going insane. He wrks four shops up from me and he keeps walking past constantly an I hav to see he’s daughter cos she goes to the same school as my kids an he tells her to tell me things. I have no idea what to do. This one is so different yet the same. I can’t believe I fell for it but I need help getting threw this any ideas on wtf I’m doing
Zari Ballard
May 2, 2015 at 6:12 pmHi Rebecca,
Of course I remember you and I am so sorry that you are going through this again. Look, unless we allow ourselves to heal from the first one, how are we ever supposed to be able to recognize another one? Not enough time had passed, girlfriend, and this is why it happened again. I have been without a boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years now and, while I can’t say that it hasn’t been lonely at times, I can definitely say that when and if I do meet someone I will bring no baggage to the relationship because I have healed from that motherfucker. Moreover, any narcissist in the crowd (and there are millions out there, don’t forget) is going to take one look at me and run in the other direction. He’s going to know that I know what he’s all about even if we’ve never met each other. So, if you’re asking yourself how it could possibly have happened, the answer is easy. The new dude was a narcissist and he saw you as the perfect target. Narcissists LOVE to feed off unhealed, rebounding ex-girlfriend’s of other narcissists!!! OMG…it’s a big part of what they do. So that’s all it is, sister. Don’t make this second asshole into more than what he was and this second relationship into more than what it was. It hurts me for you that there was an engagement and new home involved – Yikes! And even more so that his shop is just down the road and his kid is at the same school as yours. But it is what it is and you must pick yourself up and kick his ridiculous narcissistic ass to the curb. A narcissist only returns again and again to ensure that you never move on from the pain and that is the only reason. So, when and if he does stop in to say “hi” as he walks past the shop or finds a reason to talk to you at the school or happens to text some benign little question (“how r u?”), tell him to fuck off (or better yet – don’t answer). In fact, block him right now!!!
And for you, just move on and enjoy your life making up the time that the first narc took from you. We DO NOT have to be perpetual victims EVER! Thank God this one only took up a small amount of time. You’re okay and always going to be okay but you’ve got to heal first. I’m not saying that you have to do any endless soul-searching or pay for therapy or any of that at all….I’m just instructing you to let some time pass. If we don’t let time pass (because it really does heal all wounds), narcissists are going to be attracted to us like frigging magnets and we’re going to let it happen because we’re still so hurt from the first one. It’s not forever….it’s just for awhile. Have fun, be happy, and the next time he walks by and your eyes happen to catch his, flip him the fuck off and turn around to keep doing what you’re doing. Do you understand, sister?? I love you and I’m sending you a HUGE hug across the miles….
Keep me updated:)
Zari xo
Joe
May 11, 2015 at 10:17 amHi Rebecca, I’m sorry to hear what your going threw!
I’m a guy and my story is about my female Narcasist and what I’ve learned threw all the years is to understand NPD know there tricks and somehow shake them off . When you start thinking of him shake like a dog when it get out of the water , that will remove the thought from your mind . Another thing to remember is not how great the person was but think From start to finish. What I mean is in your mind think about the relationship from when it started and see it to the end and unstand why it ended ? The abuse, the lies, how he feeds off your emotions . Understand that he feels for only himself ! Your just a toy to him !
My personal motto Is to use my Ex’s line ! I dont Care ! Keep saying that in your head and shut down and thought of him . Also I use to keep a rubber band on my wrist and any thought of her I would snap it hard and that would recorrect me .
Lots of luck and dont let him pull you in to the Crazyness of his empty world !
One last line I use to say , If you dance with the clowns your bound to join the circus ! So dont do it !