I think that when a narcissist discards us, one of the reasons we wait for him to return (aside from the fact that he’s conditioned us to do so) is because we just can’t fathom the fact that he could actually give us up. And that’s what he does – he gives us up.
We think back to laughs shared, to all the things about us that he said made us different from the others, to the great sex, to the way we were always there when he needed us even though the favor was rarely returned, to the way we never cheated on him (even while he was cheating on us), to the way we’d allow him back without asking questions…we think and believe that everything we did for this person over the years actually stood for something. We believe that having a history together is special and, therefore, we assume that our partner must feel the same. We believe in the value of invested time. We imagine that couples who have these long complicated histories must be destined to grow old together, right? Once, while holding my hand and looking into my eyes, my ex even said those words to me…that we’d grow old together. Of course, he said it right after cheating on me as I sobbed over the betrayal but, still, he said it! (LOL)
Throughout the first three years of my relationship, during certain fights where it appeared that my mere presence in the room annoyed him, my ex would look at me in all my sadness and say as coldly he could, “I can take you or leave you”. I can remember in vivid detail the very first time he said that to me…how it felt like he’d reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Those six little words hurt my feelings sooooo bad that I spent the next 10-years trying to prove to him that we were supposed to be together …that he, in fact, couldn’t live without me! He would periodically make that statement with such narcissistic confidence that I was bound and determined to make him feel otherwise. In retrospect, of course, those six little words were the most telling and truthful words he ever said to me.
When we lament over the fact that the N can just give us up at a drop of a hat, we have to remember that all of the things we remember that we did for him were about as abnormal and unnatural as the way he reacted to them. In normal, healthy relationships, one partner doesn’t have to do hardly any of what we do in order to “prove” their love for the other partner. By consistently showing us his narcissistic indifference to our very existence, the narcissistic partner basically conditions us to jump through hoops if for no other reason than to show him/prove to him that we’re worth loving. In doing this, we provide him 24/7/365+ full-blown narcissistic supply.
When we first meet the narcissist who becomes our partner, we are usually at the peak of feeling good in our lives. Rarely, if EVER, does a girl/guy hook up with a narcissist at a low period in his/her life. This is why I beg to differ with outsiders who state that it is a victim’s lack of self esteem that keeps her/him in these types of relationship…that allows the narcissist to treat us like shit. On the contrary, it is our self-esteem and confidence that attracts the narcissist in the first place because it exemplifies for him our future demise at his own hands. This is why he has no problem sucking up during the Idolize phase…indeed, our eventual (and inevitable) fall from grace is well worth it. Everything is a means to an end to someone with a narcissistic personality. Initially, the narcissist makes us feel so special and so connected that we imagine (incorrectly) that there’s simply no way he could really discard us or give us up for someone else. But he does, over and over and over.
How can the narcissist just give us up? The same way, when it’s time for him to come back, he gives up the girl that he cheats on us with. We are no more important than her and she no more important than us in his eyes. Don’t forget that every time a narcissist hoovers and/or every time the narcissist returns, someone else somewhere is getting the silent treatment. Someone else somewhere is asking herself, “How can he just give me up?” In the narcissist’s life, making us feel like we matter is just one way to get to where he needs to be when he needs to be there. Then, when he needs to be somewhere else, off he goes. It’s a glorious game of rinse and repeat, over and over. A history together? What’s that? To a narcissist, ten years together is the same as ten weeks which is the same as ten days which is the same as ten minutes. To a narcissist, all relationships are not only meaningless, they are also timeless. This is why he can give you up.
The narcissist doesn’t just reject us, he rejects the entire history and, I’m sorry, but that’s fucking painful. It’s rejection with a capital fucking ‘R’ because it all means nothing. A narcissist can compartmentalize five different relationships so that each relationship means exactly the same to him. This is what he does. This is who he is. For us, it’s our co-dependency to hope that keeps us from accepting the futility of the relationship for exactly what it is! In your mind, if you could rewind and replay an entire movie of your relationship, analyzing every scene and conversation, you’d see that the N was actually fairly clear about how he felt about you. We just wanted to believe something else and he led us to believe it.
Everything we do and say and feel in our relationship with a narcissistic partner is about proving our worth and trying to get him to change his mind. We tell him “Mean what you say and say what you mean” but when he is clear about how he feels about us…when he says things like “I can take you or leave you”…when he abandons us for no reason at all…when he cheats on us left and right…we continue to jump up and down, demanding that he take it all back, take us back, that he can’t possibly mean those words or actions because, because, because…how could you just give me up?
How can he simply reject all that history? You see, histories contain memories and we (the NORMAL folk) naturally get stuck on all that bittersweet. Narcissists don’t have the mental capacity to care about history and memories and this is because (and also why) he ‘s so good at being a narcissist. Recently, I discovered a possible neurological cause for this inability (or lack of mental capacity) to care about memories and even though it is not an excuse, it is certainly food for thought. The newly discovered neurological condition is call aphantasia and it is described as a person’s inability to visualize or voluntarily create in one’s mind’s eye mental images, real of imagined, of people, places or things. Literally, a person with aphantasia does not possess a “mind’s eye”. The canvas of this person’s mind is dark…a blank…and therefore, memories do not exist and, presumably, any history connected to relationships. Can this neurological “condition” be connected to narcissism? I do not know but it would certainly begin to put the puzzle pieces of the narcissistic personality together.
To a narcissist, to reject us is to reject all of the history that comes along…the history that we worked so hard to create in hopes that it would keep him from leaving. But it never does. He leaves anyway. Unfortunately, this is the destiny of the relationship from day one. It’s like putting our heart and souls and years of work into painting a masterpiece for the person we love only to have that person look at it with disgust and leave the room. He never appreciates the love we placed on that canvas with every brush stroke or how carefully we chose the colors. Now, this doesn’t mean that the painting wasn’t beautiful….it just means that the narcissist didn’t see...couldn’t see it. In all the chaos and desperation of a discard, we have to remember that it wasn’t us. The narcissist didn’t give up on us – he gave us up. And there’s a difference.
Never ever give up on YOU because without the N, the whole world is a canvas and your prettiest masterpiece is yet to be painted.
Stay strong…..:)
REPOST (14) UPDATED 05/2021
kellie
July 6, 2018 at 5:21 amZari, how does a narc cope with a life-threatening illness or injury to a Golden child? Are they capable of true empathy and concern for the child?
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2018 at 1:49 amHi kellie,
A narc can, of course, mimic an emotion but the truth is that they are detached from the entire situation. I hear it time and time again how the narc just isn’t “there” when the family needs them the most. For one, narcs, as a rule, simply can’t deal with a crisis if its not about them and therefore they can’t communicate or even commiserate in a productive manner. I would have to say that, in my opinion, if someone whom you think is a narc is actually being attentive at the bedside, emotional, and concerned over and about someone who is seriously ill or in a life-threatening situation – especially if this person is a child – then this person is likely not a narcissist.
I hope that helps and I’m sorry for the delay in responding…
Zari:)
HeNeverLovedMe
July 5, 2018 at 7:44 pmI just ended a three-year relationship with a man who I am now convinced is a narcissist. Both of my parents were raging NPDs and I have a long history of getting entangled with these vampires, romantically and otherwise. But I fell for this one harder than anyone before him, and he gradually managed down my relationship expectations exactly as you’ve described over and over on your site. Like many narcs, he’s very good looking, charismatic, and charming. (Beware a charmer! “To charm” is a verb, and it’s typically not in your best interest to be charmed.) He also frequently has financial trouble despite having a steady job for many years, accuses his exes of being “crazy” or of “talking to him worse than a dog.” This is all projection, as I’ve never let any man talk to me the way he does, nor have I ever met such a pathological control freak, and unlike him I’m on good terms with most of my exes. Why isn’t he? (RED FLAG)
Anyway, until I read this article, I couldn’t figure out how he could give me up so easily. We shared so many fun times and romantic experiences and laughs and passions, we had so much in common, he was so very good to my children from my previous marriage. And the sex was mind-blowing. The first year was magic, like something I thought only happens in movies. But then the predictable cycle of devaluing me began. He used the silent treatment. We would argue about something completely inane and inconsequential but that made him furiously angry, and then he would ignore me for days, walking through the house and acting like I wasn’t there while I stared at him in shock. He did this in front of my children, and to my eternal shame I let him. He would pick huge fights over nothing, especially when he knew I was already in a depressed or bad mood, and then once he saw that he’d gotten a rise out of me, he would smirk and point out how emotional I was and accuse me of loving to fight, while I gasped for air and didn’t recognize myself or the ugly words coming out of my mouth. I have never fought with anyone like I fought with him, and I swear to God Almighty that I never will again. It wasn’t me, it was nothing like me, and while I can’t blame him for my behavior, I also can’t believe the side of me that our fights brought out. I felt like I was losing my mind. Who was I, and how did I become this person? I never knew what to expect out of him on any given day. Push, pull, seduce, ignore, act as the world’s best father figure to my children while casually insulting me under his breath…it was traumatic, and I was addicted. He once broke down our bedroom door with a crowbar while drunk. A mutual friend witnessed it and told me later that it was the craziest thing he’d ever seen him do. The next day he was contrite and agreed to go to a therapist because I gave him a real ultimatum and said I would leave him if he didn’t address his anger and alcoholism. He saw that therapist a few times, said they mostly just talked about college football, and then stopped going completely. To hear him talk about it now, a year later, breaking down that door and swinging a crowbar around at me was no big deal and I overreacted, like I always do. The children were with their father that night, thank God. But I remember cowering in the bed wondering if I would have to protect myself with my gun once he finally broke through. I will never forget how scared I was that night. Our friend being there may have kept him in check.
Every time he traveled on business, he would make sure we had a massive fight right before he left so that he could go dark on me while he was gone. And he would seduce me with words, telling me all of the ways he was going to make love to me when I saw him, only to take a sleeping pill or drink himself into a stupor or simply go to bed in another bedroom as soon as the children were asleep and I was ready to go. He used sex as a weapon, doling it out less and less frequently to punish me while assuring me that he could have it with anyone he wanted if we broke up, and making sure I knew that he pleasured himself often because I picked so many fights and made his life so unhappy. It was my fault that he went to bed alone, you see. I had dared to disagree with him or complain about one of his more outrageous behaviors. They say all narcissists cheat; I never had any reason to think that he did, but he could have. As a very good-looking and athletic front man for a locally popular band who traveled constantly, he had many opportunities to cheat. I don’t know that he did, but he could have and I wouldn’t be the wiser. I have made an appointment with my doctor to be tested for STDs just in case.
When I ended things, which I did because after three years we were no closer to marriage than we’d been the first day I met him, and because I was sick to death of the gaslighting and narcissistic abuse and his rampant alcoholism, and I didn’t want to raise my children in a household where their mother was shacking up with a man outside of wedlock, he exploded with such rage and hatred that I still get chills thinking about it. The look on his face was one of pure malevolence and his voice changed to that old, high-pitched, almost old womanish tone that I know so well when he’s about to say something absolutely devastating. I’ve never made any secret about my intention to be married again one day, and he knew he’d been stringing me along for years with no intention of following through on all of his future faking. When I confronted him, the mask slipped off forever.
I’m still trying to figure out how this man fooled me for so long, and until just now, I couldn’t understand why he let me go without a fight. Surely I wasn’t so replaceable after all our shared history? But I see now that he doesn’t consider our years together to be a shared anything, and his “history” is whatever he wants it to be at the time, whatever suits him. He’s been divorced three times already (RED FLAG) and once remarked that he could barely remember any of his time with his former wives. I found that very odd, because I’ve been divorced for several years but can still completely remember many of the day-to-day aspects of my marriage, special days and occasions, etc. He told me it’s all a big blur to him, that he can barely remember what they even look like.
And now I know why–the women were all interchangeable cogs in his sick, narcissistic machine. And so was I, I just didn’t realize it yet.
I could go on and on about this but having spent the last two days feverishly reading the excellent articles and shared stories here, I know enough to give up on him and move on. A few days ago, I signed a lease on a new apartment that I will share with my precious children and beloved dog. I’ve joined several groups on Meetup to socialize with people in the area who share my interests. I have a newfound drive to succeed at my career, and I look forward to spending more quality time with friends and family. Most of all, I’m genuinely excited–elated, even–to be leaving this demented, broken weirdo behind. We own a house together but it sold very quickly and will be closing soon. That meeting at the lawyer’s office with our agent will be the last time he ever sees me–he just probably doesn’t know it yet. Full NC is just days away and I can’t wait. It still hurts, and I still miss him, but now I know that what I miss is the fantasy future I had planned out in my head. I miss the fake him, the liar, the confidence man, the soulmate who never existed. My need to be loved and my trusting heart overpowered my critical brain, but thanks to this experience, I will never let that happen again. My narc will never know this, but he has done me a tremendous favor by letting me see his true, monstrous self.
I am free.
Thank you so much for this blog, your articles, and your replies to the people who share their stories. You may not be fully aware of how many lives you’ve saved, or how much comfort and support you’ve given to so many, so let me make it clear: you are doing God’s work here. Thank you, Zari!
Zari Ballard
August 12, 2018 at 2:22 amDear HeNeverLovedMe,
What a great post…thank you and I apologize for the delay in responding. Trying to catch up but I am a good month or two behind:( You typed the best three words I could read…I am free…and you need to be proud of yourself. The hardest thing to wrap our head around is the fact that we really weren’t that important. Once I grasped that, like you I felt free. We make ourselves out to be far more important than we are in their lives…but this is normal. As normal humans, we WANT TO BELIEVE THAT THIS PERSON WE LOVE IS TELLING US THE TRUTH. You can’t fault yourself for that. Be thankful you got out at three years…you made the correct choice for you and your family! I am so sorry for what you went through…it sounds like it was a complete nightmare. I wish you the best in your life…peace, happiness, and all that. You deserve it all, sister:) Thank you for sharing…I loved it:)
And yes, to be “charmed” is a bad thing because it smacks of being being under a spell and we know how a narcissist can do this……Good for you for breaking that spell!!
Zari:)
Dillan
June 16, 2018 at 4:38 pmI would also like to add that women can narcissists too. I have seen it with both men AND women. My mother I know for a fact now is one right down to the bone. This was a great read but I think people should be aware that both sexes can be narcissists.
Zari Ballard
June 30, 2018 at 12:08 amHi Dillan,
As I always say, the female narcs are actually the worst and there’s an article on this website saying so. I also wrote a book for the guys about the female narc. However, since this blog is about what I’ve learned from my own experience, I write about the boyfriend:)
Zari
Kay
April 29, 2018 at 6:36 pmI apologize for my spelling lol, I also meant to say imean thought would something to’ him’ not ‘me’. I’m never letting him back into my life ever again. He can go do whatever he does, without me. I learned a really hard lesson. It was & has been very heartbreaking & difficult, but the lesson was worth it. He called me weak once and guess what, HE WAS WRONG. 🙂
Zari Ballard
May 12, 2018 at 9:34 pmGood for you, Kay! Hell yeah he was wrong! And by the way, he was only projecting. There is no weaker deep down than an empty narc:)
Zari xo
Kay
April 29, 2018 at 6:24 pmThe thing here that really stood out to me is the fact that the narcissist can just earase it all like all the special moments you find important he or she didn’t cherish or hols it dear the way we do. I noticed this when my ex came back into my life, he came back to me full force convieniently forgetting the abuses in the past that devastated me. Then he forgot alot of times that were special to me that I thought would mean something to me. I think he also got me mixed up with other women, cuz he would bring up things that never happened with us. He also did things to hurt me on purpose, cuz he new he could use that due to the fact it bothered me that he ‘forgot’ so much, he would act like he forgot my birthday or how old I am. Maybe he just convieniently’ forgot’ it all just to escape the consequences of past abuse, after all it was all just a lie, he never loved me anyway. And he acted like I should just get over it all, he let time pass (plus he was busy with someone else as i cryed & obsessed over him for months on end) before he returned maybe thinking id just be so happy thinking he changed or thought about things, but he didnt, he just never truly apologized unless I told him he should. He’s so fake it makes me sick.
She
March 22, 2018 at 2:36 pmGreat article.
I was actually broken when I met N. One of the first things he said to me: “You don’t look happy.” I was on the brink of leaving a very sad marriage. I was vulnerable. He rescued me (Ha!) I cried on and off for two years about my broken marriage. He was very comforting and heroic. Then I spent the next four years crying about what N did to me. I’m two months out,. He discarded me, but the hoovering continues. No contact.
I understand that a typical N has no empathy, but he does. I’ve seen him cry many times about various things. He cries during movies. He cries because he’s hated and has no friends. He cries because his mother hates him. He cried like a baby when my dad died. He cries talking about how much he loves his own dad.
But everything else: he’s text book.
Mark
October 6, 2017 at 6:40 pmZari, does an N ever have a .melt down? Do they go home after fakeing there life all day and then just be drained and cry like a baby?
Zari Ballard
October 9, 2017 at 6:49 pmSorry…I did answer your question either below or above this post…