Once again, I’m compelled to present a slightly offbeat perspective to an aspect of the narcissist abuse recovery process – and this time it’s about forgiveness. Like many of my perspectives, this one differs greatly from the norm in that it doesn’t subscribe to any part of a “victim blame” philosophy. To the contrary, it makes the process of recovery easier by suggesting that victims can skip the most spiritually nefarious step entirely. Okay…so hear me out…
Several people that I “counsel” regularly have been entertaining a notion that is widely popular in mainstream self-help circles and it is this: that to fully heal and recover from a break-up with the narcissist, we will first have to actually forgive him. After all, it is explained, the narcissist is suffering…he just doesn’t know it. Wait..What? Needless to say, I don’t see it this way and will quickly (and enthusiastically!) nip this notion in the bud during each consultation, thankfully changing a few minds in the process. Here in this article, by presenting that same argument, I absolutely intend to change a few more.
In a nutshell, the core of my theory on forgiveness is this: you don’t have to forgive a narcissist for all the pain he has caused you. You don’t have to feel compassion about the fact that he can never truly feeeeeeel love. You don’t have to be sympathetic anymore towards the bad childhood that he can’t seem to get over. You don’t have to do any of this. Well, what about the ‘ole “forgive but not forget” thing? Can I do that? Well, what’s the point of forgiving if you’re not going to forget? The “forgive but not forget” strategy is what we use throughout the entire relationship. All it means is that we forgive the narcissist just enough to take him back and then we make ourselves sick not forgetting what he did. Hmmmm…it didn’t work for me. How’d it work for you? However, now, I’m making it easy for everyone by suggesting that, when it comes to the narcissist’s very special brand of evil, we don’t even have to forgive.
Did anyone see the recent story in the news about a father who was giving an impact statement in court just prior to the judge’s sentencing of his young daughter’s killer? This psychopath had killed 4 girls in the most brutal of ways and had been found guilty just months before. As is the norm, parents and family members of the victims are given time to stand before both the judge and killer and say whatever is on their mind. It’s often very hard to watch. Well, this dad is standing at a podium facing the judge with the killer seated directly behind him handcuffed at the lawyers table. As the dad begins to speak, he turns to face his daughter’s killer and the motherfucker grins at him. An evil “I-live-to-see-you-suffer” grin for all the world to see. This dad literally leaps up and dives head first over the table grabbing at the prisoner. The killer, still smiling, jumps up and out of the way and chaos ensues. The cops, of course, bear down on this poor father who is horribly distraught. He saw that grin and wanted to destroy it. The cops bodily remove this dad from the both courtroom AND courthouse and he never gets to say his peace. SHOULD THIS KILLER BE FORGIVEN?? He’s obviously a narcissist, sociopath, and psychopath all rolled into one and I bet there’s even a bad childhood behind it. DOES THAT MATTER?
So, now swap the psychopath with your narcissist. Sure, your narc didn’t kill anybody but you can bet he loves to see you suffer. With glee, he destroyed your sanity and squashed your self-esteem. He made you doubt yourself and what you knew to be true. He was a pathological liar who managed down your expectations so he could get away with everything. He thought nothing of disappearing without a word, leaving you in limbo, riddled with anxiety, and unable to move forward until he returned. And he always returned because he knew that he could. He broke promises to you and/or your children and never had your back. He’d make you feel insignificant and then call you insecure. He created chaos day to day and accused you of being dramatic. He was the master of passive-aggression and the keeper of secrets. He felt entitled to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted with anyone that he wanted at anyone’s expense…namely, you. Whatever he did to you, he expected you to do the opposite and to ask no questions while doing it. In the end, you became the tiniest reflection of your former self, almost unrecognizable. Yet, despite everything he’d done, you felt addicted to the very drama that you hated. You accept that recovery is a long process and you sadly hunker down. Meanwhile, he continues on without skipping a beat as if the history of the relationship never happened. Indeed, for him, you were no more important than the dirt on his shoe. Who would have thunk it? SHOULD THIS KILLER BE FORGIVEN? He’s obviously a narcissist and I’m sure there’s a bad childhood behind it. DOES THAT MATTER??
The truth is that someone who makes a bad mistake but has total remorse and a narcissist who abuses freely with a clear conscience should not be forgiven equally. One deserves forgiveness and the other does not. If you say to the mistake-maker, “I realize that you’re sorry and I forgive you. I know you’re a good person and we all make mistakes. Now let’s just move on”, the mistake-maker is likely going to burst into tears with appreciation. If you say to the narcissist, “I want you to know that I forgive you for everything because deep down I understand that you’re just an empty soul that deserves compassion”, the narcissist is likely going to burst into laughter. Why waste perfectly good forgiveness?
We don’t need to become martyrs to heal. We’re not obligated morally or spiritually or mentally to forgive all the bad people in our lives – particularly someone like the narcissist who knows no boundaries. Maybe I think this way because whenever I see or hear the words narcissist, healing, and forgiveness in the same sentence, I automatically hear Jesus on the cross whispering Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. I don’t know about you, but I, for one, don’t have those kind of credentials. I really believe that this forgiveness thing we speak of…well…sometimes it’s better left to the higher ups.
Okay, Zari, you’re the only self-helper that thinks like that. What do you want me to do – become a bitter old person? Of course not. I’m actually saying that you don’t have to do anything at all about the narcissist except go no contact. The rest – the healing – will take care of itself, no forgiveness required. You don’t have to prove anything to anybody, least of all the asshole that caused all this to happen. Believe me, the narcissist could care less – and has always cared less – about your compassion and forgiveness capabilities unless it was serving him. He counts on your forgiving nature and compassion to do what it’s always done…keep you in his loop. In order to appreciate compassion and forgiveness, a person must first understand it – and vice versa. A narcissist can do neither.
In normal break-ups with normal partners, as time passes and wounds start to heal, the grief and anger simply fades. Some of us even, after time, become and remain good buddies with an ex. Do we forgive this person for the pain that was caused to us? Sure, but it’s different. It’s not a conscious effort to forgive. It just happens. The truth is that we healed first and then the “forgiveness” happened – naturally. We didn’t need to forgive to heal. We healed first and somewhere along the line we forgave. After a normal break-up, wounds heal naturally and ex partners who are “normal” will naturally be forgiven.
The narcissist is different. The break-up isn’t normal. The entire relationship isn’t normal. If you think about it, all we ever did was forgive. We forgave the narcissist every fucking day for every fucking thing during the relationship. In order to be close to this person and to love this person, our entire existence with him was about forgiveness. Forgiving was what we did. We forgave his narcissistic behavior, his cheating, his indifference. Forgive, forgive, forgive. And what good did it do us? No good at all. Moreover, when we weren’t forgiving him, we were busy begging him to forgive us – even when we did nothing wrong. My ex was so good that he could get me to both forgive AND forget just by saying that he didn’t even remember why we broke up! I’d be so relieved he was back, I’d think “Okay! Me either!” Good grief…so, what does all this forgiveness even mean?
Once we go no contact, we just need to be done. If all our forgiving throughout the relationship couldn’t heal us OR him, why would it heal us after the fact? The only person we might need to forgive at the end is ourselves for allowing it all to happen but, even then, that particular process should be swift, effective, and then put behind us. We need to trust the normal order of things in the Universe. Unlike a break-up with a normal asshole, there will not come a time down the road where we will FEEL like being buddies with the narcissist because…well…we just won’t. Forgiveness will not happen naturally this time because it’s not supposed to. But you will still heal.
Psychologists and textbooks and many of the other blogs about narcissism will not agree with me on all of this but I guarantee that I’m right. I think logically and it’s not logical for me to ever think that we need to forgive our narcissistic abusers for all of the awful things that they did in order for us to get better. I’d much rather be mad than sad because I know my feelings will naturally adjust. I paid my forgiveness penance and so did you. And, by the way, you are still the compassionate and forgiving person you were before the N. He hasn’t turned you into a cold uncaring monster. Everything that you were before the N…it’s still there. It just got muted, that’s all. He can’t take it from you and even if he could, forgiving him for all the grief he caused is no way to get it back. You forgiving yourself and getting on with life is what does that.
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Mk
September 10, 2018 at 11:53 amI couldn’t agree more & there is actually an article, http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/articles/Structures-of-Forgiveness.pdf, that discusses the the word’s actual meaning & the concept of rote forgiveness for everything under the sun advocated, but actual translation from hebrew has not seemed to reflect the biblical top-down limited release of a debt meaning of the word at it’s origin. Notice, even quote,”father forgive them”, is Jesus asking higher power to grant forgiveness, not himself. Vengeance Is God’s realm, not man’s & if one thinks about the word itself, for-give, it screams… ‘give forward’. Mere mortals can forgive personal slights, but for most serious mortal sins? You are correct & not alone, not a mere human’s job. If one feels a need to “forgive’ to rid self of some evil stench remaining, …giving it up to the higher power is another approach to your thesis of “must forgive, NOT”. It was such a relief, b/c there is such a desire for some sort of justice & , whereas it’s out of one’s hands, it feels as though (especially if of strong faith) that in some realm or another, the issue will be addressed. It was such a relief & out of one’s hands.
Zari Ballard
September 16, 2018 at 10:12 pmHi Mk…thanks for the link….
Deja
January 7, 2018 at 1:40 pmI read your article and it was definitely an eye opener. I never realized how much abuse I was going through mentally until my last break up with my narcissistic ex. We would always do the make-up to break up thing but this time I knew it had to be for good. He started to become much more controlling & started to look at me disgusted than in admiration. The last two months of our relationship we were looking for places together in a small, college town (not too sure if you are familiar with Normal, IL) where Illinois State Univeristy is located. Anyway, he knew that I had no place to stay and that my expected move out date was January 13th. Long story short, the break up ended due to past behaviors reoccurring which he was in complete denial about. I drove from Chicago to normal which is a 2 hour drive away, just to clarify where our relationship was headed. I will admit I told him that I did not want to go through with moving in with him because I started to see his selfish ways come back into the picture. He claimed that by me saying that, that it was my way of walking out on him. He allowed me to stay the night after our discussion because by this time it was very late at night & he knew I had no place to go. The next morning we woke up together which is when he usually would roll over & be intimate with me…none of that. It might have lasted for about 5 mins, if that. I attempted to later wrap my leg around him & asked him what time he had to be at work. He shrugged his shoulder as though he didn’t want me to know, which then I repeated my question & the same action was repeated. I nudged his shoulder & he looked back at me in disgust as though I was a bother. He roughly pushed my knee off him. I turned around & laid on the other side of the bed & about 30 mins later he put his hand on my thigh and at this point I was only in my underwear. His remark was, “Still no clothes on huh?” I put on my clothes, left out the door, feeling so belittled. I text him saying that I needed to leave to clear my head. His response, “Where are you at?” I replied, “At a park.” His mom knew something was going in & I explained the situation to her & also how I really had nowhere to go because him & I were planning on moving in together which she knew. She offered for me to stay at the house until I got back on my feet, but how I could I do that with him living there as well, along with his two little sisters who I was close with. I stayed for about two days before I just decided to leave back home & make it work in Chicago? Was leaving the right thing to do? Or does it make me look weak to a narcissist who’s only mother allowed me a place to stay and I didn’t take the offer? Also, I viewed his Snapchat where he went to a strip club that he would always make fun of & say the college kids go there’s to receive lap dances from what he called, “trashy women who probably have daddy or baby daddy issues & smell like old cigs.” I was the longest girlfriend he ever had. 3 years…of course it was a mental draining, rollercoaster ride for me. I met his family, even the ones closest to him. I don’t care to be with him or at least I don’t think I do. He says he doesn’t wish to be with me ever again but how much of that do I know is really true. Especially since he still has me on Facebook, snapchat & my number. He still holds on to the cards that I would write him & even the stuffed animal he bought me. Is there anyway that a person can get through to a narcissist? Should I allow him to stay connected with me on social media to see me moving on? How does someone get help? I don’t wish to get his younger sister involved or even his mom because they know his ways, they don’t even care for him, but what’s the best way to get this man help?
Thank you & I hope to hear from you soon?
Zari Ballard
February 9, 2018 at 12:01 amHi Deja,
I know it has been a long time since you’ve written but I want to help. Please repost an update so I can catch it and respond accordingly. I hope that you have realized that yes, you DID make the right decision. Who cares what you “look” like to a narc’s mother, sisters, or to HIM??? There is no help for narcissism. It can’t be fixed or cured – not with love, therapy or any magic pill. Please read my book When Love Is a Lie to get the details of my own story and how I changed my perspective to see it clearly. A narcissist KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG, GIRL. He simply doesn’t give a shit and quite honestly, neither should you. He is a very bad person and you saved the rest of your own life by going to Chicago. Please update me and I will look for it….
Zari xo
Marie Verdi
November 27, 2017 at 9:28 pmI’m 19 years old, I grew up in a home with a narcissistic father who did many awful things to my family and I. He love bombed my mother, and married her. He cut off her ties from her family and friends, meanwhile he would end up having many women on the side and used excuses to my mother, who at the time felt like she was worthless and she had no one else but him. The moment they married he would spend the next 15 years of marriage abusing her, even assaulting her. Then me and my brothers came into the picture. He started out with emotional manipulation, as as time went on, he became physically abusive. He would beat us, throw us at the walls in the house, we were constantly hiding. He had once made my arm completely bruised from using a piece of metal. He had at one point, when I was eight, nearly killed my brothers and I in a car because he was beating and yelling at us and nearly lost control of his car. Every time he ever mistreated any one of us, he always found ways to make us feel like we DESERVED it. And when you’re a little girl who’s supposed to look up to her parents, it really puts yourself down. He would always yell about how much he hated us and how he regretted having us. When I was about 9, my mom had enough strength to leave. But he wasn’t going to let us go that easily either. He constantly sent people to harass my mom, he would stalk our place, call numerous times. He would try to get us taken away from our mom because we were all she had at the time. My mom didn’t work (surprise, surprise the man took her outta college too before she could get her degree), so when she left my dad, she left her financial support. We were broke for some time, but my mom seemed more willing to cut off her hand than let him come near us again. We’ve spent time healing, and even though I have some issues after what he did to us all those years, I had a chance to enjoy my teenage years. I don’t know about the forgiveness part. Almost everyone tells me FORGIVE! FORGIVE! But, I don’t know if I can do it, especially since he is STILL bothering us, not to mention as I said before, I’m still dealing with some of the ramifications of his actions. But thank you for your words Zari. <3
In a way, I think I know how I can start. And hey, I don't want to spend my life dealing with what happened in my early life. I got a bunch of years to go god willing, and I don't intend to have any pass.
Zari Ballard
December 18, 2017 at 12:26 amHi Marie,
Well, as the article shows, I obviously don’t push the “forgiveness” strategy as something that must be done before a person recovers. My God -Nothing that you describe deserves an iota of forgiveness – in fact, quite the opposite. Why should he get a forgiveness pass before YOU get better? Nope, not here. You are free to go forward and never look back. Don’t listen to anyone but what your heart wants and your intuition is never ever wrong. Best to you, sister:)
Zari xo
Guy caulkett
August 9, 2017 at 3:40 pmI do he,s my brother. guy caulkett
Anouska
July 10, 2017 at 6:31 amSo it s not just me. I hate him, regret him and have not desire to forgive him. The bombing the triangulation I sensed. I was right!
Only I didn’t know the I was connecting the dots ending with description of a narcissistic man.
I doubt my own gut feeling cause I was accused by him to prejudge his actions.yet his actions didn’t reflect words. Remember ladies always check his actions.
I never really questioned his career as for me IT is all the same. And he apparently was a successful ceo who bankrupted and reset the boton. I always believed he was working towards a new project. Turns out he had to rain in as financial situation was not good.
Extend the luxury to a loser that even introduced me to his daughter to keep up the lies. Desgusting.
He claimed he introduced me to his family, and my ass he introduced me to his mum and sister as Sam on a quick stop over on mother’s day.
Right after the end, or at least I hope, he decided a way to make money was becoming an escort. As he was broke. Fast forward 3 months he has not sell the house, he he s broke and not job prospect because you know, a usual 9-5 job is beneath him. Karma has worked faster than expected. I am happy he s hopefully suffering at least a little bit. I m glad he s got tonnes of debt. I am glad he has to sell the house. And I hope he end up in mamy house. It s not about revenge it s justice. BTW he s 41!
P
June 19, 2017 at 6:34 pmZari…I have been in a five year long relationship with a narcissistic man. Although I did not know about his mental malfunction until about three years in. He was the first person I met after the end of a 22 year long marriage with a man who was not a narcissist. He was somewhat controlling but he was definitely not a narcissist.
I consider myself an intelligent, self-sufficient, self-supporting, levelheaded individual. I have my own business I own my own home and I have raised four children to adulthood. I am 52 years old. I was raised in a Christian home and in church my entire life so this topic, forgiveness, is one that I have struggled and wrestled with the entire length of this relationship. I have never been involved with any man in my entire life that I could not walk away from and did not in fact walk away from when the relationship became unhealthy. Not with this one. I often say that I did not fall for him. He tripped me. I will also note that he is married. While I did not know this in the beginning as he told me that he was separated, working on the divorce, I was gullible and I believed people and accepted him at at face value. Something that I had lived my life by, and had never had a reason to reconsider. The first and probably only time we had ever had any type of a meaningful conversation was when we first met, telling each other about our situations. Everything that he said he was experiencing was something that I had just gone through. Every single bit of it was bullshit. He owned two homes, four hours apart and he was very good at making his “separation “believable. She resided in one home and he resided in the other. Or so I thought. I have always maintained my own residence and always had my own private place to go to. Is live from where I stood was believable. I thought I had met my prince charming …. we had everything in common and in fact met for the first time playing cards. Which was a social thing for me weekly. He owned boats, he is a charterboat captain, A former police officer, an army vet and his current occupation is a private investigator. Lucky me. I could go on anon about the love bombing. I will also tell you that I did not have sexual relations with him for seven months after we met. I was 45 years old at the time. And believe me he could not understand that for even half of a second. And he pushed. I of course was not willing to share myself with someone physically unless I knew this was a sure thing. I was not a whore and I did not sleep around. I was faithful to my husband. I had a moral ethic and values that I have lived by my entire life. And this man caused me to step over, step on, chew up and shit on every single one of them. By the time I found out that the divorce was bullshit it was way past too late. For the first two years, I call that my stupid stage, he was A Chamaeleon. And after we had sex for the first time, it was never the same. The stories don’t change. He triangulated me with bullshit accusations of another man, who I was in fact very good friends with, constantly accusing me of cheating. Imagine that a married man accusing me of cheating. That should’ve been the first red flag and I should have ran like hell. But I didn’t. For some reason he was able to make his jealousy seem like he was loving me. My life of course was an open book…. he met my children, became involved with my life and had expectations of me as though I was his wife. Of course he never lived by the same rules. Things were up and down and I had no knowledge whatsoever of what a narcissist or someone with NPD even was. He was constantly telling me that it was his PTSD from his time in the service,that was causing him to behave the way that he did. Poor guy. It became my life’s mission to love and nurture and “fix him “. What it really was was me tying my own noose. Three years ago we became business partners in a T-shirt company. Against everything we had agreed on, Which was you get a divorce and we will become partners, I ended up paying for the trademark, it was a business that we came up with together and it was supposed to be something that we started when we could be together, ….he ended up bullying that with bullshit about needing to make money and ended up taking the businesses forward. At around the same time, I decided to take my 35-year-old niece with me to the beach, they had never met, where he lived, wanting another member of my family to meet my wonderful fisherman., and on the very first night that he met her he created a narcissistic chaos tantrum that sent her out the door to “talk to him”… ans ended up with me finding them alone in his home that night hours later only to find out three months later that they had been carrying on a relationship underneath my nose the entire summer. Little did I know that my niece is borderline personality. Two of them!!!!!! And I had no idea what the hell that meant anymore than I knew the hell that I was about to experience and have continued to struggle with to this very day. Two of the closest people to me, I “forgave” them both… but did I? No I didn’t… I told myself I did… but know it was just another way to cope and Braille my way through what I can only explain as emotional torture… my whole world came crashing down around me in a way that I cannot even explain. I am telling you that Hollywood could not write the script of these past five years. And I still loved that son of a bitch even then. I could go on and on about the battle within my soul and my reconciling my love for this man and all that he has done to me. They both managed for months to convince me that they had not had “sex” only other things. As though that wasn’t bad enough. If your dick is out. You’re having sex. They had sex. They still lie to this day. And I somehow wanted to believe that it was not true, and I managed to convince myself that they really haven’t done “that “… She is no longer a part of my life and her other borderline behaviors have resulted in her being banished from the family altogether. Needless to say, and it was a daily routine of trying to cope with the businesses and keep him at arms distance, all the while, in between, falling back into the trap and on and on and on it has gone…I have ONLY been with him. This last fall 2016 he created a situation with the businesses that ultimately sent me to an attorney. I transferred my interest in the company to another partner, and I completely blindsided him. The attorney put a stranglehold on him of no contact. He managed to wiggle around that making sure I got the I miss you I love you I can’t live my life without you messages from him through other friends, and ultimately I broke no contact after two months. I thought I was going to die. The habit of him was excruciatingly gone. My phone did not ring, no one texted me. Deafening silence from a device that had been used to transmit 8000+ text messages a month… The reality of that was abuse itself. I am now two days no contact again and my email is blowing up. I’ve had tracking devices found on my car I’ve been physically emotionally spiritually and mentally crucified. My children have watched me go through this relationship with this man in shocking bewilderment. I have become a person that I do not recognize. Short tempered, quick to react, crazy in my own right. Depressed one day anxiety ridden the next. And I have been lost for days in your articles. This particular one has brought peace to my very soul. Something I do not experience very often anymore. I do not have to forgive this son of a bitch that to this very day claims that I am the love of his life and that he wants a future with me and that he wants to marry me. All the while I’m a cheating whore piece of shit at the same time. Of course he still has not found that divorce court yet. Although to this very day he claims that those papers are about to be signed. I have looked back and pathetically must admit that I have experienced triangulation and degrading at least once a month every month since the day we met. Mostly centered around this man that he accuses me of cheating with, with the most vile horrible degrading language and berated verbal abuse that anyone could ever imagine. Always followed by hoovering that was just a fervent and believable and he gets my heart every time. I would never in my life had ever considered being involved with a married man considering my marriage ended because of my exes infidelity. There are days I can hardly get out of bed because of the debilitating anguish and guilt. So many times I have almost knocked on his wifes door but stop short because of my own shame. I can only imagine what his wife has a lived through. He has admittedly said that he has cheated his entire marriage ” because she is just a “tyrannical bitch.” And of course all of his “infidelity” stop when he met me because we are soulmates you see. Bullshit !!! you have to have a soul to have a mate, he has and is neither. Of course he takes no responsibility for his behavior with that former niece of mine, and and and and. God only knows how many others. This is a very brief look into all that has happened over these long five years. But I wanted to say thank you. I do not have to forgive him. And I won’t. Freeing words were never as clear as yours have been. My words to him now are fuck you prince charming and the horse you rode in on.
I met him less than six months after moving to North Carolina from California. I had a very small family base here. Obviously with their own mental disorders that I did not know about. My entire family and friend base is 3000 miles away. So much of this has been suffered through alone. Nobody wants to admit this type of relationship. And then add that I was the mistress, well I don’t really need to say much more about that It was after that awful summer that I started reading. And once I did I knew exactly what he was. I am embarrassed, ashamed and guilt ridden from my own participation and lack of strength to walk away from this man. There are days that I just want to run as far away as I can get. I have managed to hang onto my money although that has been very difficult over the years as there have been a few occasions where my involvement with him has rendered me broke. After the three months he spent running around with my niece both of them lying to me, I at least had enough bitch left in me to protect my finances and I never bought him one more thing. This of course was a challenge to him. One he has not surrendered. He still claims that he loves me and that we are going to be together forever. That is a word I no longer believe in at all.
You are awesome. Your advice is good true and right. And I just wanted to say thank you.
Even God Himself does not forgive someone who is not repentant. It’s so simple and something that I have struggled with this entire time. The light is on. Thank you Zari.
Zari Ballard
July 10, 2017 at 1:06 amHi Ashley,
Thank you for sharing and for reading my post:) Do NOT be ashamed for participating, sister. I have come to the conclusion that we will never know these creatures right off the bat. We can read about them and try to analyze it but the truth is that we will never fully wrap our heads around it because we can never be THEM. And thank God for that!
Do not fall for his ruse any longer. Go forth and be free in this life. There simply is no more time to waste…
Zari xo
Susan
June 15, 2017 at 10:07 pmDear Zari,
you can’t even imagine or…probably you know very well how the still-recovering human being can feel while reading your words and having that: ‘Ah-ha!’ moment of bright understanding of the horrible puzzle – the relationship with narcisst. I am grateful for finally finding out that not only me does see all that “forgive what he did to you to feel better” as a ummm crap. I can’t count how many times I was told by people I tried to make understand what I went and still going through kept repeating that only forgivness can free me from all that “pain, burden & co.” (I have to smirk that moment). Oh, really? He does NOT deserve my forgivness at all as I already forgave him during the relationship far more than anyone – who has never been with a narc – can imagine.
What I am still unable to do is to get rid of shame and guilt because I feel deeply hurt and remeber when I at the very beginning HAD a glimmer of intuition about then narc-partner…I had known who he really was, I felt it somehow and…and…was attracted to him anyway. What does it say about me? And how to forgive (?) myself for being so naive? stupid? “sooo good girl”…blah blah…and letting him did to me of all what he has done to me? And I felt guilty as I always was blamed by him for all what was bad in relationship. I apologised and asked him for forgivness even after he dumped me, too! He as a response said directly to my crying a river eyes as he “was proud because of leaving me”.
Yep, I know what you wrote: “been there, done that” – what a humilating experience, what an excruciating memory. And I loved him so deeply that after all of that I find myself as (almost? not yet?) unable to really love ever again.
Oh my, this is not easy. Especially knowing very well about his smear campaign still leading against me – echoes of that haunted me even after NC since November and blocking him, his friends, mutual friends and literally everyone who might be a friend with him. Sigh. A new happy life with someone else started immediately after breaking up with me, of course. And he denied when I had a sneaky feeling that he was cheating on me. I know she is a new supply, let’s call it as it is, but it does nothing to ease pain and that feeling of simply being USED.
Not easy thing to do: to belive in myself again and what is even more difficult to belive in reality where I am in a new relationship now and still hardly belive in the fact of being treated well and with respect. Can anyone relate to that? I am talking about being still suspicious while the closest one shows (not talks!) that he cares of me is stable and faithful. It is like what IS a normal way of doing things in relationship – is STILL something so new to me. Yep, I know that what was with ex, the narcisstic one, was far beyond anything what can be called normal but still…
Anyway: I am glad that I found your site and that I spent this another sleepless night reading your posts. So good to see that what I PREVIOUSLY belived in (“you do NOT have to forgive him to heal your wounds as he has NOT deserved it ever!”) resonates not only with the strings of my broken soul.
PS: I would appreciate if you hide my email as I am still afraid ex can find out my post even not having any contact with me. He wrote once to me, Xmass time (so classical…pfff) and with blaming me and patronising style (again: typical) and I was almost sure I strictly establish a rule to the email box to delete any messages from his addresses. Not as good as I thought – corrected it but had few bad hours after all of that. I DID NOT ANSWERED on that email, though – should I consider it as a victory? A bitter one.
It last the anxiety inside me till now and I do not want him to know anything about me so…I know you understand it. Susan is…the chosen name and still, I think you will understand it, too.
How to remove that fear from me and re-establish the faith in anything that IS good and honest? ;-(