Triangulation is a passive-aggressive manipulation tactic used by narcissists and sociopaths to instill feelings of jealousy and insecurity in their partners. It’s a tactic by which narcissists can create thrilling illusions of popularity, making themselves out to be far busier and more socially-in-demand outside of the relationship than they really are. This narcissistic strategy, like all the others, slips quietly into the relationship over time so that you – the loving partner – barely know it’s happening until you start to get “that feeling”.
When the narcissist triangulates, victims find themselves feeling jealous of people, places, and things that, under normal circumstances, wouldn’t warrant a second glance. If you’ve always known the narcissist to be a loner, triangulation makes it appear that you’ve been wrong all along. If the narcissist has always had “friends”, triangulation is used to milk his popularity for all it’s worth. Either way, the desired result is that you feel anxious, suspicious, and insecure about every little thing.
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You may even begin to feel guilty about your jealous thoughts and doubtful of your ability to act “normal”. When and if you do confront the N about your suspicions, he’ll call you delusional or needy or bi-polar and he will never admit to anything at all. He’ll look at you with a blank stare and claim he doesn’t have the slightest clue what you’re talking about… “Fine,” he’ll say, “I guess I can’t tell you anything about anyone. All I’m trying to do is make conversation with you. You’re so insecure.” And the triangulation will continue.
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Narcissist always triangulate – even if you don’t know they’re doing it. Patient as always, the N will simply do it and do it and do it until you fucking get it…until he breaks you of all that confidence and security that made you attractive to him to you in the first place.
The thing that makes triangulation so amazing is that it’s extremely flexible and can actually involve absolutely anything – even inanimate objects. My ex spent most our years together triangulating me with his cell phone…his cell phone! At any given time, his phone was either glued to his hand, hunkered down in the pocket of his jeans, locked inside his car attached to the charger, mysteriously lost (when he was with me) and then mysteriously found (after he got home), conveniently “out of the area” and unable to get a signal, turned off, out of minutes, not working properly (until a call came in), on vibrate (so that I wouldn’t hear it ring), suddenly unable to receive texts, or suddenly able to receive only texts. He always had a myriad of crazy-making excuses as to why I couldn’t see it, hear it, know about it, or get within five feet of it. In my mind, that cell phone had long legs, cute hair, and a great ass. As a bonus gesture, my ex would, during a silent treatment, even change his number, making me insane. Whether or not his phone, at any given time, really did contain the numbers of random girlfriends, I never really knew…but he sure jumped through hoops to make me feel that it did. Sound familiar? Believe me, The Cell Phone Game is all about triangulation.
A narcissist will triangulate whenever he senses that you feel a little too comfortable in your own skin or (God forbid!) a little to relaxed within the relationship. For example, if he starts a new job, he’ll triangulate by casually mentioning – just one too many times – the bubbly receptionist and how much she reminds him of his ex or his sister or even you. He may let it slip oh-so-casually that he shared a secret with her in confidence that only you had known about or worse, in the middle of a fight he might say something like,
NARC: “See? I knew you’d act this way. Even Jessica knew it. She told me you’d do that and she was right. She doesn’t even know you and she knows you!”.
PARTNER: Really? So, you talk to her about me? You complain to her about your girlfriend and she comments? What kind of girl does that? What the fuck?
NARC: Oh, here we go. (snickers) See what I mean? I gotta learn to keep my mouth shut. Doesn’t matter who I’m talking to, you’d have a fit. We were just talking that’s all. We talk about a lot of things.
PARTNER: Really? That’s nice. Why are you talking shit about me to anyone – let alone the girls at work? Do you have any clue how that makes me feel?
NARC: Stop starting shit and I won’t have anything to talk about. I gotta get back to the office.
I had the above conversation countless times with every new job he would start. Some narcissists, like my ex, will even set the stage before triangulation so that the inevitable betrayal will have the most impact. To do this, they may claim, at first, to actually hate the very female that later will quietly become the “confidante” OR they’ll go for long periods not mentioning anyone at all and then – BANG – suddenly some person you never even heard about appears to be his best friend. Yes, the narcissist will intentionally allow us to develop a false sense of confidence and security before he smacks us back to reality.
Now, to be clear, it’s completely normal for a couple to expect to share stories and have conversations about co-workers and friends…but nothing about these conversations are normal. Everything involving a narcissist has a slightly sinister edge to it. He can take a perfectly normal behavior – such as chatting amicably with his partner about casual events – and turn it upside down. It’ll be the passive-aggressive way he slips his clues into conversations or it’ll be the inflection in his voice or the attitude with which he says it. Above all else, it’ll be the strange way that whatever he is saying is making you feel. Triangulation is intended to make you doubt not only your importance in the narcissist’s life but your importance in the world in general. It’s a master tactic in the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and it is intended to wreck you.
A narcissist will triangulate you with a girl, a guy, his mother or some other relative, a co-worker, a newly acquired acquaintance (that you will never meet), the landlord, a neighbor, the bartender, his boss…it goes on and on. The possibilities are endless. The sky’s the limit! And this person he speaks of may not even be his next target…or maybe she is…you’ll never know for sure. As a distraction to the whole thing, he may even triangulate you with one person while he cheats on you with another. More often than not, this other person will have no idea they’re even being used to triangulate. It’s all a glorious mystery! The intention, as always, is to ultimately trauma bond you to the madness. The narcissist will never let you relax. Ever.
Triangulation may manage down your expectations of the relationship to the point that you become quietly complacent. I became very quiet in the last few years, tangled up in cognitive dissonance and confusion. After all, the last thing I wanted to do was make a big deal about nothing. His words, however, intentional or not, were my biggest clues as to what he was up to. By listening carefully instead of letting it all get to me, I slowly turned his ploy to my advantage. I learned how to read my narcissist like a book. Good or bad, I simply listened, storing information in my organized brain like I would in a file cabinet. Then, later, when I was alone, I’d pull out the files one by one and obsess about the phantom competition. It was a vicious cycle.
For those who’ve never been involved in this type of relationship, it’s hard to understand the dynamics of the triangulation strategy. Since there’s rarely proof to support our case, we often sound like jealous whiners with nothing to whine about. The sad fact is that triangulation becomes just another part of the nonsense that victims become addicted to. When, in fact, it should compel us to leave, it does the exact opposite. We instead become obsessed with holding on to our “position”. We completely forget what is and isn’t a “normal” part of romantic human interaction. Being subjected to this weirdness day after day changes who we are as a person – inside and out. It’s the death of a heart by a thousand cuts and yet another inexplicable reason why the aftermath – the emotional collateral damage – of narcissist abuse is so traumatic. Think about it and think about your life.
No one forces us to ride emotional roller coasters. In true love, there is no competition, real OR implied. Get a new attitude and take your power back. Life is so short and you deserve to be happy!
Have you been triangulated by a narc? Let me know in the comment section!
Dawn Lenore Sonntag
July 23, 2019 at 5:35 amReading this makes me feel sane again and realize how crucial mo contact is.
Annabelle
June 24, 2019 at 11:48 pmI don’t know if this is triangulation or not. My sister-in-law will say things like “that’s because he’s smart.” “That’s because she’s smart.” I feel that in her saying that, she is indirectly trying to tell me I’m stupid.
Zari Ballard
July 26, 2019 at 1:09 amHi Annabelle,
No, that’s not triangulation but I would say it’s “word passive-aggression” because it’s an insult done in a covert way. Not a nice person, this sister-in-law!
Rye
April 25, 2019 at 10:04 amWow, thank you so much for this, it has really helped me to see clearly. After 10 years with a married narcissist, and 3.5 in recovery after leaving him, I had recently started seeing someone whom I had always thought to be the “perfect” man for me. We started having very long dates (the longest I have ever had), even to the point to me staying at his place for a couple of days in a row (still only a platonic friendship, though full of expectations I think). Suddenly, after lovely days together, he does this weird thing and takes me to a social club where he starts neglecting me and flirting with other women in front of me. I guess the 10 years with my ex have taught me something, because instead of staying I left after a while with a polite excuse. After that, he has asked me out again several times, but I have always refused. However, we kept texting and now suddenly he seems to be giving me the silent treatment (a blessing in disguise probably). Now I learn about this triangulation thing and begin to see the light, understanding also his frequent references to female friends. One thing I am sure of is that I would rather never date again than start a relationship with another N. I am in my 50s already, so enjoying life with friends, family and hobbies seems a much better prospect. I have been reading your blog for a couple of hours today, and it has helped me a lot, both with regard to my ex and to my current love interest.
Zari Ballard
May 4, 2019 at 12:02 amHi Rye…I am always happy to help. Knowledge is power!
Tasia
March 18, 2019 at 3:02 pmSorry this happened to you, glad you got out. I am recovering from 12 years of Narc emotional abuse. We moved to a different town, new neighbors, new friends. Hard to get away from all of them 100% as the worst ones are close family members surrounded by flying monkies. If I would of realized this sooner I would of not refriended them on facebook. So I just have to be careful to only post positive things on facebook and never give to much information for them to feed off of.
Tasia
March 18, 2019 at 2:40 pmFor me, it is my adult daughter that I allowed to spend to much time around narc aunt and uncle when she was a teen. I did not know that they were Narc, only now do I fully understand how wrong it was for me to let her go there, all they did was sit around and talk smack about me. I know this from very reliable sources. Also when my youngest daughter (we are very close) would go over there she would always come back and tell me all the sneaky, snide things they would say about me when she was there. I started figuring out they were a bad influence and to late for my oldest who is also Adhd and bipolar, was not easy raising her at all.. So now as an adult out on her own for several years, decided to come over one evening, unannounced, expecting us to drop everything to entertain her. So it ends up that she picked a fight with her little sister over a rain coat that my oldest lost somewhere in this wide world but somehow thought that her little sister found it and I was helping her hide it.. Things blew up, she went into a rage, stormed out the door said she loved me but hated her little sister. Then marched out the door with her brainwashed/control freak boyfriend. After years of this type of abuse from her, my youngest and I just let her go. We dont have the coat, I dont even remember ever seeing this coat. A couple hours later, my husbands phone starts blowing up when he gets home from work. Its her, she is calling me and her little sister every filthy name in the book, (what a surprise) Telling him lies about me or exaggerating the truth in her little messed up brain. She has blocked me on her phone and social media but still VERY much in contact with my mother, mother in law, her Narc aunty uncle and many other family member and friends. All of course convinced that I am the horrible mom that she describes. Its all a lie but nobody seems to believe me except my daughter and husband. So now she only messages her dad once in awhile, bragging about how she is starting to make it big in the modeling business and making lots of money ect ect. When he says something like, “You know, we all love you, Me, Your Mom and little Sister” This causes her to rage and blow up his phone. He doesnt know what to do, he is a very super strong positive person, he is nearly impervious to insults, he is tough. But she is trying to wear him down. I am staying calm and slowly looking up information to help him. I dont want to tell him what to do, he has to come to this on his own or she will be proven right. She also likes to always accuse him that it is not really him messaging her on his phone, but me… Please, I dont want to talk to her or about her, I have put up with many years of mental abuse from this child of mine and I am much happier with no contact but she is making that very difficult…sigh… Not sure what to do next except stand my ground, and keep having a positive life with my husband and one remaining child.
Hanna
March 1, 2019 at 7:37 pmHi Zari
I started new job last yr and a married man soon became my “friend”. He was careful to be platonic for a long time. Always texting, stopping to talk in halls, putting chocolates on my desk & generally making me feel very special in various ways. I was hooked & enjoyed his attn. Then after 6 mos he wanted to spend time at night outside work hrs.
Then he started love bombing me. I am beautiful, always about my appearance, or my clothes or hair. Of course I was flattered to the hilt. I new it was wrong to hang out with a married man but by this time I was incredibly attached. He started dropping hints about having various female “friends”. They were in his words all platonic. He did favors for the women & and their families, made Halloween costumes, built rooms in their basements. All this when his wife was working the evening shift. He had all the time in the world.
Triangulation started when he mentioned helping these friends all the time or complaining about something they did. He mentioned his wife was suspicious of him spending so much time with them & their families. He swore it was all platonic. He also used a co-worker, his wife or other women in the office to subtly drop hints something might be going on.
He put me on the back burner after 4 mos of seeing me & having making out. He then announced how he wanted to hang out with another co-worker who was a good friend for quite awhile. I knew exactly who she was even no name was mentioned. He had been doing favors for her & her family so he could hang out with her & was frustrated at ” not getting anything back”.
I was devastated but NEVER once let on to him. I was stoney faced. This was also the case when he mentioned other women as described earlier. Didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. Privately tho I was anxious and hurt.
He would also, at the end of our dates, frequently mention how many text msgs he had or that there was one from his “friend”. Frequent one week disappearances started to happen which became the norm. He ranted about how busy or tired he wasn’t that we couldn’t hang out. At work however he texted a lot and asked me to lunch or coffee, then hug tightly then hold my hand on the way back to work. Of course after that he went totally MIA for a week. I felt totally manipulated by this man. Sometimes he threw in there that things were slowing getting better with the wife. WTF?
Do you think he was a narcissist or simply insecure? I read insecure guys can pull these stunts due to low self esteem.
I have gone NC for close to 3 wks & haven’t heard a word. Have I been discarded at this point? I hope so because this experience nearly cost my job due to lack of sleeping & poor performance reviews.
What effect do you think my overt non reaction to his crap had on him?
Moving On
July 3, 2018 at 12:50 pmOh the PHONE GAMES!! Must be bad service, my phone doesn’t work here, darn phone company, blah, blah, blah…Funny how that darned phone company knows it’s ME calling and drops THAT call, but none of the FRIENDS calls. Has the world’s longest list of phone numbers on the cell, or on FB, Twitter, etc. Half don’t know him, and the other half don’t WANT to know him, but it makes him look like he has FRIENDS. While he taunts me, saying “You don’t have any friends.” (I do, but they don’t qualify apparently, because they HATE him!!) We worked at the same place our entire careers, and he tells me darn near everyday, “The people at work hate you.” After I retired my BOSSES made it their business to come by my house and tell me “We didn’t hate you, we hated HIM, but when we tried to tell you what a shit he was, you wouldn’t listen.” They were right, but I’m listening now. And thank you bosses, you didn’t have to take the time after I retired, so your actions tell me what a total shit he was!!! According to him, my entire family is shit and may not come in the house, but HIS family, that specializes in lying, cheating and stealing can tromp through my house when ever they please. He even left me entirely alone in the forest, miles from any town, in his efforts to isolate me. He agreed, in public, with a trailer trash piece of shit waitress about how my race, Mexican, is ‘sub human’ (dehumanizing). He had to be ordered to assist me, by our boss, when I was going through chemotherapy, because he thought he shouldn’t be bothered, but was more than happy to accept sympathy from his ‘friends’ about his ‘poor wife’ going through chemo…
Someone else mentioned ‘shell person’ in reference to the narc they had to deal with, and I can tell you that’s absolutely true. A narc has no idea how to act in any given situation, because they have no empathy. If you can’t imagine what it’s like to walk a mile in anothers shoes, you have no empathy, and thus do not have the ‘normal’ range of human emotion to draw on when emotional responses are called for. Narc’s FAKE emotion based on what everybody else is expressing. If you’ve ever seen a narc alone, struggling to come up with the appropriate response, you know what I mean. A narc’s non personality will change rapidly, depending on the group they’re with. But the funny part is, a narc is content with expressing the wrong emotion at the right time, as long as it gains them the spotlight they seek. Thats where FB trolls come from. They don’t care if you love them or hate them, just give them attention!! Oh, and if you’re with a male narc, understand that as soon as you have kids, your sham of a marriage is over. Narcs do not compete with kids for attention, but instead, seek ways to get rid of the kids. Because they’re competition. Your marriage is over. But it won’t be as civilized as “Honey I want a divorce.” Oh HEAVEN’S no!! First the drama that keeps them in the spotlight…the not so subtle affairs (because if he really hid this stuff well, how would you ever find out and give the narc the pain he’s seeking to wring from you?), the mysterious phone calls. The phone calls really aren’t mysterious, but he will MAKE them so. My wonderful narc husband used to randomly throw women’s names into conversations, and two seconds later claim that he didn’t, and I was a nut (gaslighting, cognitive dissonance). Last time I attempted a civil conversation, he had already rewritten history back to the stone ages to reflect his own personal glory….
I’m gonna say it loud…IF YOU CHOOSE TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH A NARC, YOUR LIFE IS OVER UNLESS YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE. That’s the beginning and the end. There is no middle ground with a narc. It’s about them or hit the road. If you think that you can CHANGE a narc, you are FOOLING yourself. I wised up after 20 years and I’m glad, but thats 20 years I could have had a real husband, and a real life, and looking forward to a real future with my grandchildren. Don’t waste your life like I did. You. Will. Not. Change. Them.
Zari Ballard
September 17, 2018 at 3:19 pmThank you so much for sharing your story, Moving On! Sending hugs….xo