I was sitting on my bed crying, obsessing about my ex husband when I came across your website. I spent hours reading…that I am not alone. I get so angry when I feel so down and defeated. It’s not like I want him back. I find myself thinking of him/our ugly marriage way too often and all the shit he put me through in 6 years…only 4 of them married.

I got an email from him about a month ago and it set me off. He basically blamed, denied, minimized excused all his lying on me! But, the in same email he acted like he was taking accountability for all the lies. But he wasn’t. I know, confusing.

From the very beginning of our relationship he lied. Stupid, unnecessary ridiculous lies. He gets caught over and over again and not once in 6 years did he EVER come clean, fess up with out an all out brawl. He played the victim, pouted, lied more, called me crazy, paranoid yet he was caught in a lie. This could last for days, weeks and even months his adamant denial yet I looked at him like he was bat shit crazy. He often wondered why I wasn’t sexually attracted to him anymore. Really? It was the most maddening, bizarre, irrational, chaotic relationship I have ever been in, I basically waterboarded myself for 6 years. Yet in the email he couldn’t understand why I got so upset, erratic and unhinged when these situations went on and on. In the email he stated, ” I started lying because of your reactions.” however he neglected to say it was because of the chronic, habitual lying that I would get so upset. He’s the master of manipulating situations.

It was shocking for me to have him watch me be so hurt, upset, angry for MONTHS yet he never felt the need to make me feel better and admit the lie. I never saw, shame, remorse or a hint of regret even when he FINALLY he’s admitted he lied. I have never had anyone do this to me. Yet I saw the red flags prior to us marrying. I don’t know what I was thinking. I feel ashamed.

I certainly don’t want him back. But, it’s like I am still suffering. The divorce went fast but of course he lied on 2 Sworn Financial statements. Lol…of course. Why am I obsessing about this situation and feel so bad? How do I move forward?

It was the 2nd marriage for both of us….no kids, our kids are grown. I don’t to date but I am OK with that as it’s only been 3 months since the divorce. I feel damaged yet at one time I felt really good about myself. I am not some weakling, I raised 2 beautiful kids alone. I am smart, funny, have a great job yet I feel like crap. I have to move forward but I am finding it more difficult than I imagined.

Thanks

Hi Jeff,

I’m grateful that you are free. Stay true to yourself and be confident in the truth that you know. I find that the guys who go through this are really blown away by the deception more than the girls are with their male narcs. Understand that it is what it is and don’t spend too much time trying to figure it out. No matter what, the relationship was just not sustainable and we have to find comfort in this and know that we did the right thing. The lying is absolutely mind-boggling…narcs can train us to be accepting of this. We don’t want to make waves….and this is how we stay entangled. What we allow will continue.

Stay strong!
Zari

Her BS wasn’t confined to the “Type of Lies” either. . . .it also involved the NUMBER OF LIES. It was like there was a secret competition, among professional liars, to see who could tell the most lies within a given time frame. And her goal was to take the #1 position.

It was mind-blowing.

I initially thought the reason it was so easy to pick-up on the lies or notice how her previous stories changed was due to her not being very intelligent. Looking back, I think her lack of intelligence was an factor, but the primarily reason was due to the number of “supply” dispensers she was playing with. She couldn’t remember what lies she told to whom.

She simply DID NOT care. When pressed on the issue, she always had some whacked justification for it. Her mentality. . . .justification is always greater than truth and honesty. lol

Hi Larry,

First of all, this is my blog and I write about my personal experience with a narcissistic boyfriend so this is why you see “he/him”. Secondly, I’ve explained all this in this article to the male victim of the female narc. And finally, I’ve actually written a book just for the guys called When Evil Is a Pretty Face. I realized long ago that female narcs were even WORSE than their male counterparts and that the victims don’t have a whole lot of support. I’ve done the best that I can to help. No prejudice here, brother…

Zari:)

Hi Natalie,

I am so sorry to hear your story…to me, having a narc parent has got to be the worst of the worst. My heart goes out to you. I don’t believe, however, that you need to be stuck in the horror. There is a way out. You are not doomed to a life of ducking and dodging her smear campaign. There are many women who call me about a narcissistic parent so, if you can, get some consultation time with me so we can work out a strategy. I’d need to know more about her MO and the abuse you suffered. You don’t have to live this way, girl, and please do not give up. You are worth all the love in the world…SHE, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve a thing. Again, we can find a way out. Please reach out to talk…a new year is coming!

Zari xo

I have lived with a narcissistic man for almost 5 years and recently moved out. I have put up with his constant lying and now his constant degrading names and threats since I will not come back. He is furious as he is not getting his way and feels that he is never wrong. He has a past of many marriages of which he also lied about. He is imcapable of showing or feeling any compassion except his feelings. It is very impossible to ever make him feel anything real He fooled me and fools everyone that does not live with him…I stayed for longer then I should because he had a heart attack and I was the only one to care for him. Which I did 27/7 for 3 months. The only ones that really know him are his exs..and there is not one person with a good thing to say about him, which of course he says they all lie…but not him…its a very sad way to live life…I am trying to break free completely from him…we have a home which I am on the deed so we have that connection…The home is the one he threw me out of and put my clothes in a garbage bag, yet denies doing that…He needs help.. but I can not help him nor do I want to try…..

Hi Sandy,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is very hard when the narcissist is your own child and they use their behaviors to control even the parent/child dynamic. You can only do what you can do. As best you can, do not let this rule your life and your happiness. View your daughter with a certain level of detachment and this will curb some – not all – of the behaviors but perhaps enough so that you can see the grandkids. And when you are with the grandkids, just be the best grandma you can be, exhibiting the behaviors that are appropriate so that they at least get an example. I wish there was an easy answer but the truth is that we can’t control the behaviors of other people, we can only control our reactions to them. As for your daughter, she is a grown-up and she knows right from wrong, she just doesn’t give a shit. This is an impossible mindset to change so you can only do what you can do and no more. In your own quiet way, you will make a difference where it will count later.

Zari xo

These people can be high functioning, they can be ordinary on the surface, they are impossible to detect until you observe closely & begin to question their information.

She was crying and begging for forgiveness and said now she doesn’t want to lose me,she doesn’t want it to end like…I think she just disliked the fact,the moment and the way that i discovered everything.

Yeah but that’s not what we’re talking about here. A female narc WILL do that….the accusing YOU of exactly what SHE is doing or accusing you to distract you from asking her the same questions. If this is the case for you, then by all means wash your hands of it. THAT is what we’re talking about…:)

Hi Gwen,

You CAN handle this, I promise. I know what it appears now that he’s with this new person but it is not the reality. He will do it to her and to the next one and the next one and on and on. It’s not about her being prettier and younger because the truth is that he has no preference. I wrote an article about this. It’s all about what he can get away with day to day. You don’t have to buy ANYONE’S BS…she will learn as well but better her than you right now. If you’d like to speak about it, please consider booking a consult. I can help you change this perspective. YOU are perfect just the way that you are. HE is the one with the problem. I know how you feel…it’s a mindset issue and this can be changed!

Stay strong and please know that I am here to support you….

Zari xo

My relationship with a pathological liar because he found someone who would by his BS and is younger and prettier. I’m devastated and not sure I can handle this.

You hit the nail on the head, Tali. I couldn’t have said it better than that!

Zari xo