The narcissist will cheat no matter how great your sex life is together and no matter how willing you are to fulfill his every fantasy – and that’s a fact. Furthermore, if you, as the victim partner, behave like I did and refuse to wrap your head around this fact even after you discover that he’s a narcissist, you are setting yourself up for a the biggest fall of your life because inevitably, you will have to accept the horrible truth and it will hurt more than you can possibly imagine.
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I’m telling you now, right here, as the point of this article, that it is better to understand and accept the truth about “narcissists and sex” as soon after the “a-ha” moment as humanly possible so that you can get on with the process of recovering from the pain. For those of you who don’t consider sex to be the biggest connection you have to your narcissist, this advice still applies because no doubt you’ve amped up the sex in hopes that it will nip the cheating in the bud if you now give him what he wants…but it won’t. My point is that it just doesn’t matter whether the sex is good/great now (before you catch him cheating) or whether the sex becomes good/great later (after you catch him cheating). The motherfucker is going to cheat either way and no matter what he tells you. To “get this” you have to slither inside the twisted mind of the narcissist’s pathological relationship agenda and, believe me, I have and now I’m here to try to explain to you why he does it.
The narcissist, from day one, never intends to be loyal to you. In fact, loyalty never occurs to him at all until you bring it up the very first time and then his solution is to simply lie about it. It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t understand that normal people, for the most part, do not condone infidelity, it’s just that he feels entitled to cheat even if everyone else doesn’t. But the narcissist is smart, don’t forget, and, therefore he knows what he has to do, what he has to hide, and how he needs to act in order to wander anonymously through life (and especially from relationship to relationship) getting what he wants.
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So, from day one, even though you two have awesome sex together (and he seductively reminds you of this fact on a daily basis), he’s still going to crawl into bed with whomever he wants and he going to have a great time doing it and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Moreover, while he’s cheating, the narcissist is also busy managing down your expectations of the relationship to the point that he can actually disappear and reappear at will with nary a consequence because you’d much rather have him back – cheater that he is – rather than suffer the anxiety you feel while he’s gone. And besides, you can’t seem to ever really prove he’s cheating, right? So…well…maybe, then, it’s possible he really isn’t? Nope, sorry…there’s no chance of that but it’s exactly what he wants you to think and how he wants you to feel and this is how he’s able to get away with it.
My ex and I had really, really great sex for all the years we were together. And, although he treated me like shit and subjected me to unexpected, hurtful silent treatments every chance he could, disappearing like Houdini and reappearing with ridiculous alibis, I counted on the quality of our sex life to keep him from straying farther than our love connection allowed. Because I couldn’t fathom being with anyone else but him no matter how we were getting along, I stupidly assumed that, even in all of his awfulness, he ultimately would miss the sex and come back to me. Now, I’m sure that many times this is exactly what happened but little did I know that he had plenty to compare me to in the interim. It wasn’t until I caught the bastard red handed that I had to face the fact and even then I stayed because, as narcissists will do when caught the first time, he convinced me that once was enough and he’d never do it again. The truth, however, is this: the first time we catch the narcissist cheating is never the first time that it happened and it definitely won’t be the last time it ever does. For the narcissist, he’s happy to lie because that means he gets to still have the great sex while he hunts around for better.
Each and every single time that you are discarded or subjected to a silent treatment, the narcissist is cheating. He feels completely entitled to do this and this is why he gets soooooo angry when he gets caught or called out on his deceitful behavior. This is why he twists and manipulates the confrontation until you find yourself apologizing for the sole purpose of apologizing even though it was he who cheated! How many of you reading this have apologized….maybe even begged for forgiveness…after catching him in yet another fucking lie? Think about how ridiculous that is. Normal people that we love do not make us feel that way. Once, exasperated at my inability to stop crying as I repeatedly asked “Why? Why? How could you cheat on me?, my ex finally threw his hands up and screamed “Because I didn’t think it was any big deal, that’s why!!!!!” Ahhhhh…finally, he told me a truth.
I know it hurts, sisters and brothers, and I understand that when we really love someone, the sex becomes a very special connection. Under normal circumstances, this connection can play a big role in the monogamy of the relationship. Under normal circumstances, a great sex life is a bonus simply because normal couples in love really do prefer to just fuck ONLY one another. Narcissists are incapable of feeling this connection but are more than happy to lie about it in order to appear normal and keep you (and all the others) as narcissistic supply. The narcissistic behavior of seduce and discard is part the process of trauma bonding. To be free of this demonic partner, we have to accept this fact, forget about finding closure, go no contact, and move on with our lives even though the pain is deep. We have to put away our jealousy of his newest partner because he WILL do the same to her as well. He’s not sad over his “lack of” emotion towards sex at all because he knows he’s really good at faking it. The Narcissistic Lie is his solution to Lack at all times.
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Is his/ her faking the sexual connection really going to be okay with you now that you know the truth? The fact that a narcissist will cheat no matter how great the sex is between the two of you NEVER CHANGES and you deserve so much more in this life.
YOU, my friend, are never the problem. Decide from this moment forward that you will accept nothing less than the respect that you deserve.
Shamim
June 25, 2015 at 2:45 amThank you Zari for opening my eyes been with a crazy narcissist since i was 21 and stayed for 3 years , 5 months ago after an agonizing silent treatment i bought him an earphone and i sent him a text saying i got a surprise for you he showed up the next day , by the way i wrote a little note saying i wish u luck where ever u go in life etc honestly i meant for the gift to be a goodbye gift upon reading the note all of a sudden he became kind and loving 3 days later he sent me a text full of thank yous and hearts and kisses i thought he had changed 3 months passed in the meantime every time i sent him a text he responded immediately (he lives outta town by the way) but stopped sending kisses and stuff after a while .So 2 weeks ago he showed up and he was kind and loving but when he showed up 4 days after that he was as cold as ice still i sent him a text saying hope u get home safe take care but he didn’t responded it was then that i came upon your website and realized what was going on the whole time it blew my mind so i sent him a goodbye text to which he didn’t respond either i started No Contact and i hope he never shows up again.Thank You Again you saved my life .
Anne
June 11, 2015 at 10:22 amBTW I seem to find out what’s going on with him in detail. The dumb ass uses my computer to check his email and forgets to logout. It was like telling me “come on in and see what I am up to now.” SMH
Zari Ballard
June 15, 2015 at 7:51 amHi Anne,
You somehow need to make it so he’s not able to do that (log in and out of your computer). Of course he’s doing it on purpose so that you can stay focused on his ass. So typical. Narcissists are nothing if they’re not predictable.
Zari xo
Anne
June 11, 2015 at 10:12 amFor me it has gotten to the point that I can laugh about it now. He rages and acts like my 5 year old grandson when he gets caught in his stuff. Now he thinks I am on hold while he goes back to the one he left to come back to me in the Winter. kol She is his Spring and I WAS his Winter. Like Zari said she will eventually find her way here to this site. I flip the script on him this time and did not respond to his calls or his hoovering. Last hooverI got he asked me to pray for him. WTF. lol Said he is dealing with him mom and that’s why I have not heard from since April. lol Give me a break. I know he is seeing “ole girl” now so I have had enough and have moved on, I have given him all I had to give and I have nothing left for him. He is somebody else’s PROBLEM now. He told me at one point that he is a “broken man” and he knows something is wrong with him. If that’s the case then he needs to get himself fixed and stop wrecking havoc on all these women he has gone through. Gaslighting —- this is new for me —— before we stopped seeing each other, he would call me and act like I called him at different hours of the early morning. Who does This is the last hurrah for me. I feel for everyone on this site but you will make it, I have come a long way and that is why I can say his games are funny to me now, I can see through him and have had enough. I wish him will and all the other victims he will collection along the way.
that?
Zari Ballard
June 29, 2015 at 1:04 pmHi Anne,
My ex, too, asked me to pray for him and told me he was a broken man. And I can’t COUNT the times that he disappeared only to return weeks later claiming his mother had been fucking with his head. Holy Crap – they are nothing is not predictable!
Hope you’re staying strong & doing well!
Zari xo
Meredith
May 15, 2015 at 9:22 amGreat article!
Would you say that this applies to sociopaths as well?
I’ve had the misfortune of loving one for the past 7 years. I’ve always wondered if our sex held any real meaning for him whatsoever.
Zari Ballard
May 16, 2015 at 6:11 pmHi Meredith,
Thank you for visiting my website and I used to wonder the very same thing about the sex. In fact, it was a big point of contention and the one thing that really kept me hanging on. It’s hard to fathom that they really don’t care but unfortunately this is the case. If you get a chance, my book When Love Is a Lie will help you understand that question because I go into it in great detail.
As for your first question, to me, narcissists and sociopaths are exactly the same with the sociopath being capable of taking the evilness to a slightly more elevated level. Readers will describe their partner’s behaviors to me and it is only once in a while that I label them a sociopath. Of course, there may be others that disagree but I can only go by my experience. So, yes, without knowing anything about the person you speak of, you can safely assume that a sociopath at least has all of the characteristics of the narcissist and then some. I hope for your sake that you’ve been dealing with a narcissist (which is bad enough) and perhaps not a sociopath and, either way, I am so sorry for what you have gone through.
Stay strong and I’m here if you need me….
Zari xo
Anne
June 11, 2015 at 9:51 amJust remember, it’s all about them. We are just a means to an end to a Narc. They are not normal and “love has nothing to do with it, cuz they don’t love they just take!
Simon
March 29, 2015 at 1:24 amHey Guys,
It’s really good to know I am not alone in all of this. I have been on and off with a female N and only realised about Narcissism when I was looking for an explanation for some of her behaviours.
Initially she left her ex for me as I can only imagine that she had milked him dry and he had had enough of her ways. Initially she wanted no commitment and the ability to swing between us both. I was not ok with this and eventually got to the point of saying, I am not going to be an emotional cushion for you to sit on every time shit hits the fan with him, and vice versa. To which she committed to myself as she feared losing this new source of emotional support. I believe I have some narcissistic qualities myself, yet lean more towards being Co-Dependent.
To say that there was an equal flow of energy between us would be far from the truth. It got to the point that when any type of verbal support was offered to contribute to the relationship, it was always about “I can’t give anything at the moment” “Selfish to be selfless” and all that self absorbed talk. She would go back to her parents house on several occasions where her mother Babies and Rescues her as she is way too overbearing and controlling to the point of where N has an eating disorder as well. It recently got to the point that she would hit herself in what I can only imagine is escaping the emotional pain and also taking away from the issue by creating a bigger issue. I recently got sick and that didn’t seem to matter one bit, and it got to the point of me being drained to which she ran back to her parents. I supported her doing this yet the very next day she screamed at her mother and the drama began at home. I rescued her and stated it was probably safer to stay at mine. The next morning she was demanding to go back home where I set a boundary that whilst she needs to work on herself, it’s not the best that we see each other, or her ex as we don’t help with her emotions. (She had already jumped straight back into communication with the ex when going back to her mums) There seemed to be a pattern of her jumping between the two of us and now the three of us. Less than a week later she wanted to see the ex to see “exactly why she left him”
She ended up sleeping with him and then apparently that was the light that she needed to see in order to realise that she loves me.
I am now copping all the regret, guilt, shame, promises from both her and her mother and it’s doing my head in. On one hand I fell for her as she is very young, on the other hand, she has cheated several times before. I really feel the best thing I can do for herself and myself is not let her back into my life. Am I crazy to even accept the idea that she needed to see him, yet actually slept with him? There is a big difference there and I am not prepared to go through all this pain myself whilst she learns important life lessons.
Thanks for hearing me vent and I appreciate all the support, its scary to know that this Narcissism doesn’t just affect males and apparently there is a 20% increase of cases in todays youth.
Zari Ballard
March 29, 2015 at 1:04 pmHi Simon,
Thank you for sharing and you’ve sure been through the ringer! The more that I hear from you guys, the more I see that female narcissists have their male counterparts beat down even in the chaos/drama department. Yikes! If you can, give a read to my newest book, When Evil Is a Pretty Face because it’s all about the strategies of the female narcissistic partner and how to recover/separate from the nonsense. Females have an easier time of getting away with the bullshit simply because 1) they’re girls, and 2) because society, as a whole, participates in the game by allowing them to do it. And the men, as victims, don’t have the sympathizers. It’s not fair and I’m sorry about it. It is my hope to change the stats on that a bit by giving the men as much support as I can.
Thank you again for writing and feel free to do it anytime…I appreciate you:)
Zari xo
Simon
March 31, 2015 at 2:34 amWow, you hit the nail right on the head there. A girl flickers her eyelashes and I melt. Not this time though.
Zari Ballard
March 31, 2015 at 8:54 pmHi Simon,
Yes, say “not this time” and stick to it. Narcissistic women will use everything they’ve got and then some to get their hooks in. Stay strong and commit to those boundaries. Boundaries are our only protection from narcissistic predators of both sexes.
Zari xo
Leslie
February 23, 2015 at 8:14 pmHi Zari,
I have been in a relationship with a N for almost 2 years. I need to get out of this relationship. The times that I have tried,have failed. My N has worked 7 months out of the 24 that we have been together. He also has addiction issues, and I have suspected cheating, although I have not caught him “red handed”. At first, it was the GREAT SEX that had me so wrapped up and in love. I knew he wasn’t a catch when we met, but like most, I thought with the love from a good women, I could change him. Yep, It was silly, but we had this connection, and I thought he was the one. I’m ready to let go. But this is my problem. He lives with me, and drives one of my vehicles. I have tried dropping him off at his Mother’s home, and leaving. I got a call 10 minutes later from his Mother stating he took a bunch of pills, So what do i do? I turn around. Deal with a bunch of silly drama, and end up taking him back home with me. My N is clearly trying to keep relationships with his Ex wife, and mistress. (mistress is 15 years his senior, may i add). The mistress also had his “love child”. I honestly can not deal with the current N craziness, much less the ex and the old mistress. I haven’t even mentioned the insane lying, and the constant roller coaster emotions, as he deals with not doing drugs, although I know he hasn’t stayed clean. Oh boy, I could go on and on. So I guess I can say “I see the light”. We have broken up several times, but I always take him back, or end up apologizing for something he did in the first place. When we break up, It’s always full of drama.I just want to be able to sit down and talk about going our separate ways. But anytime I ask to “chat” about our relationship, here comes the craziness! I’m ready to endure the anxiety of not having him, as hard as it is to say. The things that were great, are not great anymore. Resentment will eat you up. I need to move on.
Zari Ballard
March 8, 2015 at 12:24 amHi Leslie,
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry that has happened to you. It sounds like this guy has him hands full with enough women (including his mother – just like mine did) and you should be on your way. We become addicted to the very drama that we hate and this is the frustrating part. We actually MISS it when its gone as unhealthy as that is. But we have to let go or this will be your life forever. You don’t need to discuss anything with this jerk. Just leave him and get someone to take the vehicle back. Change your number…block him…do whatever you have to but LET HIM GO. Nothing is worth all that drama and eventually it will take it’s toll on you if it hasn’t already.
Stay strong and I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy!
Zari xo
Leslie
March 11, 2015 at 5:24 pmThanks Zari. Your encouragement is overwhelming. I really appreciate it, and look forward to reading your book!
Zari Ballard
March 14, 2015 at 9:45 pmHi Leslie,
Hope you’re doing well and understand that, no matter what, you just need to stay focused. Read the book, all the articles here and on similar sites and get all the knowledge that you can. I know you can do it! Stay strong….
Zari xo
Laura
February 16, 2015 at 11:18 pmIve never left a comment before but after reading this article i had to! Im typing this while in full knowledge that right now my on and off narc is out and up to no good!
My story goes that we both knew each other when we were younger but reconnected after i had just come out of a 3 year relationship with a child. My N swept me off my feet, said all the right things, told me he loved me after 2 weeks and was pregnant and moved in together after 2 months! I thought i finally found my happy ever after even saying to my mum (who i now dont talk to because of him) it felt too good to be true….little did i know it was….
I dont want to write the ins and outs but 3 years have now passed and although i have a second beautiful boy it has been utter hell. The number of girls are well into double figures, although ive never had difinitive proof so ive always clung on to the hope that nahh he loves me too much to do that to me! Ive had the silent treatments and have been at the point of sitting in a room and rocking driving myself crazy with wondering how long it will last etc. one min im too fat and then im too thin, im a slag for having a male friend, dumping me every few weeks only to come back to give ‘give me another chance’ lol.
Now a days i find i am the one who will ignore him for days and weeks. 6 weeks was my longest and i felt great..until i let him back! I dont know why i do it. My pull is that he will move on and be really happy with someone else and then i will see it really was all me because everytime he comes back hes sooo lovely then after a week something changes in the air and its like im walking on egg shells and then he explodes, dissapeares (like he has now) and then gives a lil text to make sure im still there in between being with whoever it is i guess! Everyone gets so angry with me and fed up with me when i constantly take him back because they have never experienced N abuse. I now have no one left he has become my only outlet which maybe another factor why i take him back! I would love to have some advice from people who know what im going through, knowing hes out today up to no good should make me want to leave for good but i know i will cave in. I once found a note with 8 girls numbers on it and one girl said she had been seeing him and i still took him back! This was not me 3 years ago! Please help! Xxx
Zari Ballard
February 26, 2015 at 11:40 pmHi Laura,
Thank you for sharing your story and I’m grateful that you found your way to my website. I understand completely the “pull” that you feel as I went through the exact same thing for 13-years. I’d be strong for awhile and then I’d find myself weakening and then desperate and the next thing I knew I was back at his door. But 99% of the time, it was him disappearing from me over every little thing or when he felt he needed to go back to whoever was waiting (and enduring, no doubt, a silent treatment) in his other life. It just about killed me. I wrote all about it in my book When Love Is a Lie and I really think you should read it. I took my ex back too even after I found out about a girl he had been seeing for over a month. It’s ridiculous. And there’s always more than one, believe me, but we may never even find out about the others. Narcissists are Master Jugglers and they can keep one relationship from ever even finding out about the others often for years. It’s amazing.
Please get the book…it’s downloadable from Amazon and it’s a cheap and easy read that will empower you to make the right decisions going forward. There is a way out mentally and I explain how I was able to change my perspective of the relationship so that when he did finally walk out (after a good day together) and never ever returned, I didn’t cry and, for the first time in 13-years, I didn’t go looking for him. I’m not saying its easy, I’m just saying it’s possible. So many of us here have been there done that and we know exactly how you feel. Those who have never experienced the weirdness of the manipulation and the depth of the betrayal that a narcissist puts forth will NEVER get it. This is why we must all stick together!
Stay strong, sister! You are not alone and I’m here to support you:)
Zari xo
Laura
February 27, 2015 at 11:39 pmThank you zari, it has been just over a week since i sent that comment, and i did indeed take him back, he is now doing it again tonight, so your response could not have cone at a better time. Tomorrow morning i plan to wake up and change my number and make it day 1 of the final NC, because i cant handle the lies anymore for him to then twist it and say the only reason i think hes up to stuff is because im guilty minded, even though he admits hes lied about where hes been! Its insanity! I struggle though, i do sometimes lay in bed and wish id never wake up in the morning, because the shear lack of respect and care and utter rejection (until he comes back) crushes me, how can someone be like this to another human being that adores them. Its literally killed me inside but yet i go back for more. I hope i pull something out the bag this time because i really need to be free so i can be the best mum i can be for my kids and start enjoying life again xxx
Zari Ballard
February 28, 2015 at 10:43 pmLaura wrote...Tomorrow morning i plan to wake up and change my number and make it day 1 of the final NC, because i cant handle the lies anymore for him to then twist it and say the only reason i think hes up to stuff is because im guilty minded, even though he admits hes lied about where hes been! Its insanity! It’s the only way!!!
Hi Laura,
Look, if we can’t do it for ourselves (which we ALL have trouble with), then we simply have to do it for the kids. God knows we neglect them enough as we go through this bullshit and the guilt of that along with the abuse is surely a killer! I know and I’ve been there, done that. It’s clear that you know what’s up, girl, so get it moving. Change that number and begin life one day at a time, postponing the sadness for 24 hours every time you open your eyes in the morning and living your day pretending all is well. I call it the game of Postpone & Pretend and it really does work. You can do it…I know that you can!!!
Stay strong!
Zari xo